Chapter 17

David Barrows.

“I have lived long enough.”

MACBETH.

Before I proceeded to open this letter, I reasoned some time with myself. The will by which I had come into possession of Ada’s effects was, as I knew, informal and possibly illegal. But it was the expression of her wishes, and there had been no one to dispute them or question my right to the inheritance she had so innocently bequeathed me. At the same time I felt a hesitation¹ about opening this letter, as I had about using her money; and it was not till I remembered the trust she had reposed² in me, and the promise I had given her to support Mr. Barrows’ good name before the world, that I summoned up sufficient determination to break its seal. My duty once clear to me, however, I no longer hesitated. This is the result:

September 23d. —Evening.

My Beloved Ada:— Could I by any means mitigate³ the blow which I am forced to deal you, believe me it should be done. But no words can prepare you for the terrible fact I am about to reveal, and I think from what I know of you, and of your delicate but strong soul, that in a matter of life and death like this the most direct language is what you would choose me to employ.

Know then, dearest of all women, that a duty I dare not fly from condemns⁴ me to death; that the love we have cherished, the hopes in which we have indulged, can have no fulfilment in this world, but must be yielded as a sacrifice to the inexorable claim of conscience and that ideal of right which has been mine since I took upon myself the lofty vocation⁵ of a Christian⁶ minister.

You, my people, my own self even, have thought me an honest man. God knows I meant to be, even to the point of requiring nothing from others I was not willing to give myself. But our best friends do not know us; we do not know ourselves. When the hour of trial came, and a sudden call was made upon my faith and honor, I failed to sustain myself, failed ignominiously⁷, showing myself to be no stronger than the weakest of my flock — ay, than the child that flies before a shadow because it is black, and he does not or will not see that it is his father’s form that casts it.

Such lapses⁸ on the part of men professing⁹ to lead others demand heavy penalties. I feared to lose my life, therefore my life must go. Nothing short of this would reinstate me in my own eyes, or give to my repentance¹⁰ that stern and absolute quality which the nature of my sin imperatively¹¹ demands.

That I must involve you in my sorrow and destruction is the bitterest drop in my cup. But dainty and flower-like as you are, you have a great nature, and would not hold me back from an act necessary to the welfare and honor of my eternal soul. I see you rather urging me on, giving me your last kiss, and smiling upon me with your own inspiring smile. So sure am I of this, that I can bear not to see you again; bear to walk for the last time by your house, leaving only my blessing¹² in the air. For it is a part of my doom¹³ that I may not see you; since, were I to find myself in your presence, I could scarcely forbear telling you whither I was going, and that no man must know till all has been accomplished¹⁴.

I go, then, without other farewell than these poor words can give you. Be strong, and bear my loss as many a noble woman before you has borne the wreck¹⁵ of all her hopes. When I am found — as some day I shall be — tell my people I died in the Christian faith, and for the simple reason that my honor as a man and a minister demanded it. If they love me they will take my word for it; but if questions should arise, and a fuller knowledge of my fate and the reasons which led me to such an act should in your judgment¹⁶ seem to be required, then go to my desk, and, in a secret drawer let into the back, you will find a detailed¹⁷ confession¹⁸ which will answer every inquiry¹⁹ and set straight any false or unworthy suspicions that may arise.

But heed²⁰ these words and mark them well: Till such a need should arise, the manuscript is to be kept inviolate²¹ even from you; and no matter what the seeming need, or by what love or anxiety you may be driven, touch not that desk nor drawer till ten days have elapsed, or I shall think you love my body more than me, and the enjoyment²² of temporal comfort to the eternal weight of glory which is laid up for those who hold out steadfast²³ to the end.

And now, my dear, my dear, with all the affection of my poor, weak, erring²⁴ heart, I hold out arms of love towards you. Farewell for a short space. When we meet again may it be on equal terms once more, the heavy sin blotted²⁵ out, the grievous wrong expiated²⁶.

Till then, God bless you.

DAVID.

Do not wonder at my revealing nothing of this in our late interviews. You were so happy, I dared not drop a shadow one day sooner than was necessary into your young life. Besides, my struggle was dark and secret, and could brook²⁷ no eye upon it save that of the eternal God.

1 hesitation   

n.犹豫，踌躇

参考例句：

• After a long hesitation, he told the truth at last.踌躇了半天，他终于直说了。
• There was a certain hesitation in her manner.她的态度有些犹豫不决。

2 reposed   

v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Mr. Cruncher reposed under a patchwork counterpane, like a Harlequin at home. 克朗彻先生盖了一床白衲衣图案的花哨被子，像是呆在家里的丑角。 来自英汉文学 - 双城记
• An old man reposed on a bench in the park. 一位老人躺在公园的长凳上。 来自辞典例句

3 mitigate   

vt.（使）减轻，（使）缓和

参考例句：

• The government is trying to mitigate the effects of inflation.政府正试图缓和通货膨胀的影响。
• Governments should endeavour to mitigate distress.政府应努力缓解贫困问题。

4 condemns   

v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的第三人称单数 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地

参考例句：

• Her widowhood condemns her to a lonely old age. 守寡使她不得不过着孤独的晚年生活。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The public opinion condemns prostitution. 公众舆论遣责卖淫。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

5 vocation   

n.职业，行业

参考例句：

• She struggled for years to find her true vocation.她多年来苦苦寻找真正适合自己的职业。
• She felt it was her vocation to minister to the sick.她觉得照料病人是她的天职。

6 Christian   

adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒

参考例句：

• They always addressed each other by their Christian name.他们总是以教名互相称呼。
• His mother is a sincere Christian.他母亲是个虔诚的基督教徒。

7 ignominiously   

adv.耻辱地，屈辱地，丢脸地

参考例句：

• Their attempt failed ignominiously. 他们的企图可耻地失败了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She would be scolded, abused, ignominiously discharged. 他们会说她，骂她，解雇她，让她丢尽脸面的。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹

8 lapses   

n.失误，过失( lapse的名词复数 )；小毛病；行为失检；偏离正道v.退步( lapse的第三人称单数 )；陷入；倒退；丧失

参考例句：

• He sometimes lapses from good behavior. 他有时行为失检。 来自辞典例句
• He could forgive attacks of nerves, panic, bad unexplainable actions, all sorts of lapses. 他可以宽恕突然发作的歇斯底里，惊慌失措，恶劣的莫名其妙的动作，各种各样的失误。 来自辞典例句

9 professing   

声称( profess的现在分词 )； 宣称； 公开表明； 信奉

参考例句：

• But( which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. 只要有善行。这才与自称是敬神的女人相宜。
• Professing Christianity, he had little compassion in his make-up. 他号称信奉基督教，却没有什么慈悲心肠。

10 repentance   

n.懊悔

参考例句：

• He shows no repentance for what he has done.他对他的所作所为一点也不懊悔。
• Christ is inviting sinners to repentance.基督正在敦请有罪的人悔悟。

11 imperatively   

adv.命令式地

参考例句：

• Drying wet rice rapidly and soaking or rewetting dry rice kernels imperatively results in severe fissuring. 潮湿米粒快速干燥或干燥籽粒浸水、回潮均会产生严重的裂纹。 来自互联网
• Drying wet rice kernels rapidly, Soaking or Rewetting dry rice Kernels imperatively results in severe fissuring. 潮湿米粒的快速干燥，干燥籽粒的浸水或回潮均会带来严重的裂纹。 来自互联网

12 blessing   

n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿

参考例句：

• The blessing was said in Hebrew.祷告用了希伯来语。
• A double blessing has descended upon the house.双喜临门。

13 doom   

n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定

参考例句：

• The report on our economic situation is full of doom and gloom.这份关于我们经济状况的报告充满了令人绝望和沮丧的调子。
• The dictator met his doom after ten years of rule.独裁者统治了十年终于完蛋了。

14 accomplished   

adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的

参考例句：

• Thanks to your help,we accomplished the task ahead of schedule.亏得你们帮忙,我们才提前完成了任务。
• Removal of excess heat is accomplished by means of a radiator.通过散热器完成多余热量的排出。

15 wreck   

n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难

参考例句：

• Weather may have been a factor in the wreck.天气可能是造成这次失事的原因之一。
• No one can wreck the friendship between us.没有人能够破坏我们之间的友谊。

16 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

17 detailed   

adj.详细的，详尽的，极注意细节的，完全的

参考例句：

• He had made a detailed study of the terrain.他对地形作了缜密的研究。
• A detailed list of our publications is available on request.我们的出版物有一份详细的目录备索。

18 confession   

n.自白，供认，承认

参考例句：

• Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
• The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。

19 inquiry   

n.打听，询问，调查，查问

参考例句：

• Many parents have been pressing for an inquiry into the problem.许多家长迫切要求调查这个问题。
• The field of inquiry has narrowed down to five persons.调查的范围已经缩小到只剩5个人了。

20 heed   

v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心

参考例句：

• You must take heed of what he has told.你要注意他所告诉的事。
• For the first time he had to pay heed to his appearance.这是他第一次非得注意自己的外表不可了。

21 inviolate   

adj.未亵渎的，未受侵犯的

参考例句：

• The constitution proclaims that public property shall be inviolate.宪法宣告公共财产不可侵犯。
• They considered themselves inviolate from attack.他们认为自己是不可侵犯的。

22 enjoyment   

n.乐趣；享有；享用

参考例句：

• Your company adds to the enjoyment of our visit. 有您的陪同，我们这次访问更加愉快了。
• After each joke the old man cackled his enjoyment.每逢讲完一个笑话，这老人就呵呵笑着表示他的高兴。

23 steadfast   

adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的

参考例句：

• Her steadfast belief never left her for one moment.她坚定的信仰从未动摇过。
• He succeeded in his studies by dint of steadfast application.由于坚持不懈的努力他获得了学业上的成功。

24 erring   

做错事的，错误的

参考例句：

• Instead of bludgeoning our erring comrades, we should help them with criticism. 对犯错误的同志， 要批评帮助，不能一棍子打死。
• She had too little faith in mankind not to know that they were erring. 她对男人们没有信心，知道他们总要犯错误的。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹

25 blotted   

涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干

参考例句：

• She blotted water off the table with a towel. 她用毛巾擦干桌上的水。
• The blizzard blotted out the sky and the land. 暴风雪铺天盖地而来。

26 expiated   

v.为（所犯罪过）接受惩罚，赎（罪）( expiate的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• The thief expiated his theft by giving back the amount stolen and by reforming. 那小偷送回全部偷窃物并改过自新，以为他的偷窃行为赎罪。 来自互联网

27 brook   

n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让

参考例句：

• In our room we could hear the murmur of a distant brook.在我们房间能听到远处小溪汩汩的流水声。
• The brook trickled through the valley.小溪涓涓流过峡谷。