I recognized the voice; it was that of an elderly woman, Mme Gabin, who occupied a room on the same floor. She had been most obliging since our arrival and had evidently become interested in our concerns. On her own side she had lost no time in telling us her history. A stern landlord had sold her furniture during the previous winter to pay himself his rent, and since then she had resided at the lodginghouse in the Rue2 Dauphine with her daughter Dede, a child of ten. They both cut and pinked lamp shades, and between them they earned at the utmost only two francs a day.
"Heavens! Is it all over?" cried Mme Gabin, looking at me.
I realt. Death ever rose between me and all I loved; I can remember how the thought of it poisoned the happiest moments I spent with Marguerite. During the first months of our married life, when she lay sleeping by my side and I dreamed of a fair future for her and with her, the foreboding of some fatal separation dashed my hopes aside and embittered3 my delights. Perhaps we should be parted on the morrow--nay, perhaps in an hour's time. Then utter discouragement assailed4 me; I wondered what the bliss5 of being united availed me if it were to end in so cruel a disruption.
My morbid6 imagination reveled in scenes of mourning. I speculated as to who would be the first to depart, Marguerite or I. Either alternative caused me harrowing grief, and tears rose to my eyes at the thought of our shattered lives. At the happiest periods of my existence I often became a prey7 to grim dejection such as nobody could understand but which was caused by the thought of impending8 nihility. When I was most successful I was to general wonder most depressed9. The fatal question, "What avails it?" rang like a knell10 in my ears. But the sharpest sting of this torment11 was that it came with a secret sense of shame, which rendered me unable to confide12 my thoughts to another. Husband and wife lying side by side in the darkened room may quiver with the same shudder13 and yet remain mute, for people do not mention death any more than they pronounce certain obscene words. Fear makes it nameless.
I was musing14 thus while my dear Marguerite knelt sobbing15 at my feet. It grieved me sorely to be unable to comfort her by telling her that I suffered no pain. If death were merely the annihilation of the flesh it had been foolish of me to harbor so much dread17. I experienced a selfish kind of restfulness in which all my cares were forgotten. My memory had become extraordinarily18 vivid. My whole life passed before me rapidly like a play in which I no longer acted a part; it was a curious and enjoyable sensation--I seemed to hear a far-off voice relating my own history.
I saw in particular a certain spot in the country near Guerande, on the way to Piriac. The road turns sharply, and some scattered19 pine trees carelessly dot a rocky slope. When I was seven years old I used to pass through those pines with my father as far as a crumbling20 old house, where Marguerite's parents gave me pancakes. They were salt gatherers and earned a scanty21 livelihood22 by working the adjacent salt marshes23. Then I remembered the school at Nantes, where I had grown up, leading a monotonous24 life within its ancient wallis and yearning25 for the broad horizon of Guerande and the salt marshes stretching to the limitless sea widening under the sky.
Next came a blank--my father was dead. I entered the hospital as clerk to the managing board and led a dreary26 life with one solitary27 diversion: my Sunday visits to the old house on Piriac road. The saltworks were doing badly; poverty reigned28 in the land, and Marguerite's parents were nearly penniless. Marguerite, when merely a child, had been fond of me because I trundled her about in a wheelbarrow, but on the morning when I asked her in marriage she shrank from me with a frightened gesture, and I realized that she thought me hideous29. Her parents, however, consented at once; they looked upon my offer as a godsend, and the daughter submissively acquiesced30. When she became accustomed to the idea of marrying me she did not seem to dislike it so much. On our wedding day at Guerande the rain fell in torrents31, and when we got home my bride had to take off her dress, which was soaked through, and sit in her petticoats.
That was all the youth I ever had. We did not remain long in our province. One day I found my wife in tears. She was miserable32; life was so dull; she wanted to get away. Six months later I had saved a little money by taking in extra work after office hours, and through the influence of a friend of my father's I obtained a petty appointment in Paris. I started off to settle there with the dear little woman so that she might cry no more. During the night, which we spent in the third-class railway carriage, the seats being very hard, I took her in my arms in order that she might sleep.
That was the past, and now I had just died on the narrow couch of a Paris lodginghouse, and my wife was crouching33 on the floor, crying bitterly. The white light before my left eye was growing dim, but I remembered the room perfectly34. On the left there was a chest of drawers, on the right a mantelpiece surmounted35 by a damaged clock without a pendulum36, the hands of which marked ten minutes past ten. The window overlooked the Rue Dauphine, a long, dark street. All Paris seemed to pass below, and the noise was so great that the window shook.
We knew nobody in the city; we had hurried our departure, but I was not expected at the office till the following Monday. Since I had taken to my bed I had wondered at my imprisonment37 in this narrow room into which we had tumbled after a railway journey of fifteen hours, followed by a hurried, confusing transit38 through the noisy streets. My wife had nursed me with smiling tenderness, but I knew that she was anxious. She would walk to the window, glance out and return to the bedside, looking very pale and startled by the sight of the busy thoroughfare, the aspect of the vast city of which she did not know a single stone and which deafened39 her with its continuous roar. What would happen to her if I never woke up again-alone, friendless and unknowing as she was?
Marguerite had caught hold of one of my hands which lay passive on the coverlet, and, covering it with kisses, she repeated wildly: "Olivier, answer me. Oh, my God, he is dead, dead!"
So death was not complete annihilation. I could hear and think. I had been uselessly alarmed all those years. I had not dropped into utter vacancy40 as I had anticipated. I could not picture the disappearance41 of my being, the suppression of all that I had been, without the possibility of renewed existence. I had been wont42 to shudder whenever in any book or newspaper I came across a date of a hundred years hence. A date at which I should no longer be alive, a future which I should never see, filled me with unspeakable uneasiness. Was I not the whole world, and would not the universe crumble43 away when I was no more?
To dream of life had been a cherished vision, but this could not possibly be death. I should assuredly awake presently. Yes, in a few moments I would lean over, take Marguerite in my arms and dry her tears. I would rest a little while longer before going to my office, and then a new life would begin, brighter than the last. However, I did not feel impatient; the commotion44 had been too strong. It was wrong of Marguerite to give way like that when I had not even the strength to turn my head on the pillow and smile at her. The next time that she moaned out, "He is dead! Dead!" I would embrace her and murmer softly so as not to startle her: "No, my darling, I was onlyzed that she was drawing nearer. She examined me, touched me and, turning to Marguerite, murmured compassionately45: "Poor girl! Poor girl!"
My wife, wearied out, was sobbing like a child. Mme Gabin lifted her, placed her in a dilapidated armchair near the fireplace and proceeded to comfort her.
"Indeed, you'll do yourself harm if you go on like this, my dear. It's no reason because your husband is gone that you should kill yourself with weeping. Sure enough, when I lost Gabin I was just like you. I remained three days without swallowing a morsel46 of food. But that didn't help me--on the contrary, it pulled me down. Come, for the Lord's sake, be sensible!"
By degrees Marguerite grew calmer; she was exhausted47, and it was only at intervals48 that she gave way to a fresh flow of tears. Meanwhile the old woman had taken possession of the room with a sort of rough authority.
"Don't worry yourself," she said as she bustled49 about. "Neighbors must help each other. Luckily Dede has just gone to take the work home. Ah, I see your trunks are not yet all unpacked50, but I suppose there is some linen51 in the chest of drawers, isn't there?"
I heard her pull a drawer open; she must have taken out a napkin which she spread on the little table at the bedside. She then struck a match, which made me think that she was lighting52 one of the candles on the mantelpiece and placing it near me as a religious rite1. I could follow her movements in the room and divine all her actions.
"Poor gentleman," she muttered. "Luckily I heard you sobbing, poor dear!" Suddenly the vague light which my left eye had detected vanished. Mme Gabin had just closed my eyelids53, but I had not felt her finger on my face. When I understood this I felt chilled.
The door had opened again, and Dede, the child of ten, now rushed in, calling out in her shrill54 voice: "Mother, Mother! Ah, I knew you would be here! Look here, there's the money--three francs and four sous. I took back three dozen lamp shades."
"Hush55, hush! Hold your tongue," vainly repeated the mother, who, as the little girl chattered56 on, must have pointed57 to the bed, for I guessed that the child felt perplexed58 and was backing toward the door.
"Is the gentleman asleep?" she whispered.
"Yes, yes--go and play," said Mme Gabin.
But the child did not go. She was, no doubt, staring at me with widely opened eyes, startled and vaguely59 comprehending. Suddenly she seemed convulsed with terror and ran out, upsetting a chair.
"He is dead, Mother; he is dead!" she gasped60.
Profound silence followed. Marguerite, lying back in the armchair, had left off crying. Mme Gabin was still rummaging61 about the room and talking under her breath.
"Children know everything nowadays. Look at that girl. Heaven knows how carefully she's brought up! When I send her on an errand or take the shades back I calculate the time to a minute so that she can't loiter about, but for all that she learns everything. She saw at a glance what had happened here--and yet I never showed her but one corpse62, that of her uncle Francois, and she was then only four years old. Ah well, there are no children left--it can't be helped."
She paused and without any transition passed to another subject.
"I say, dearie, we must think of the formalities--there's the declaration at the municipal offices to be made and the seeing about the funeral. You are not in a fit state to attend to business. What do you say if I look in at Monsieur Simoneau's to find out if he's at home?"
Marguerite did not reply. It seemed to me that I watched her from afar and at times changed into a subtle flame hovering63 above the room, while a stranger lay heavy and unconscious on my bed. I wished that Marguerite had declined the assistance of Simoneau. I had seen him three or four times during my brief illness, for he occupied a room close to ours and had been civil and neighborly. Mme Gabin had told us that he was merely making a short stay in Paris, having come to collect some old debts due to his father, who had settled in the country and recently died. He was a tall, strong, handsome young man, and I hated him, perhaps on account of his healthy appearance. On the previous evening he had come in to make inquiries64, and I had much disliked seeing him at Marguerite's side; she had looked so fair and pretty, and he had gazed so intently into her face when she smilingly thanked him for his kindness.
"Ah, here is Monsieur Simoneau," said Mme Gabin, introducing him.
He gently pushed the door ajar, and as soon as Marguerite saw him enter she burst into a flood of tears. The presence of a friend, of the only person she knew in Paris besides the old woman, recalled her bereavement65. I could not see the young man, but in the darkness that encompassed66 me I conjured67 up his appearance. I pictured him distinctly, grave and sad at finding poor Marguerite in such distress68. How lovely she must have looked with her golden hair unbound, her pale face and her dear little baby hands burning with fever!
"I am at your disposal, madame," he said softly. "Pray allow me to manage everything."
She only answered him with broken words, but as the young man was leaving, accompanied by Mme Gabin, I heard the latter mention money. These things were always expensive, she said, and she feared that the poor little body hadn't a farthing--anyhow, he might ask her. But Simoneau silenced the old woman; he did not want to have the widow worried; he was going to the municipal office and to the undertaker's.
When silence reigned once more I wondered if my nightmare would last much longer. I was certainly alive, for I was conscious of passing incidents, and I began to realize my condition. I must have fallen into one of those cataleptic states that I had read of. As a child I had suffered from syncopes which had lasted several hours, but surely my heart would beat anew, my blood circulate and my muscles relax. Yes, I should wake up and comfort Marguerite, and, reasoning thus, I tried to be patient.
Time passed. Mme Gabin had brought in some breakfast, but Marguerite refused to taste any food. Later on the afternoon waned69. Through the open window I heard the rising clamor of the Rue Dauphine. By and by a slight ringing of the brass70 candlestick on the marble-topped table made me think that a fresh candle had been lighted. At last Simoneau returned.
"Well?" whispered the old woman.
"It is all settled," he answered; "the funeral is ordered for tomorrow at eleven. There is nothing for you to do, and you needn't talk of these things before the poor lady."
Nevertheless, Mme Gabin remarked: "The doctor of the dead hasn't come yet."
Simoneau took a seat beside Marguerite and after a few words of encouragement remained silent. The funeral was to take place at eleven! Those words rang in my brain like a passing bell. And the doctor coming--the doctor of the dead, as Mme Gabin had called him. HE could not possibly fail to find out that I was only in a state of lethargy; he would do whatever might be necessary to rouse me, so I longed for his arrival with feverish71 anxiety.
The day was drawing to a close. Mme Gabin, anxious to waste no time, had brought in her lamp shades and summoned Dede without asking Marguerite's permission. "To tell the truth," she observed, "I do not like to leave children too long alone."
"Come in, I say," she whispered to the little girl; "come in, and don't be frightened. Only don't look toward the bed or you'll catch it."
She thought it decorous to forbid Dede to look at me, but I was convinced that the child was furtively72 glancing at the corner where I lay, for every now and then I heard her mother rap her knuckles73 and repeat angrily: "Get on with your work or you shall leave the room, and the gentleman will come during the night and pull you by the feet."
The mother and daughter had sat down at our table. I could plainly hear the click of their scissors as they clipped the lamp shades, which no doubt required very delicate manipulation, for they did not work rapidly. I counted the shades one by one as they were laid aside, while my anxiety grew more and more intense.
The clicking of the scissors was the only noise in the room, so I concluded that Marguerite had been overcome by fatigue74 and was dozing75. Twice Simoneau rose, and the torturing thought flashed through me that he might be taking advantage of her slumbers76 to touch her hair with his lips. I hardly knew the man and yet felt sure that he loved my wife. At last little Dede began to giggle77, and her laugh exasperated78 me.
"Why are you sniggering, you idiot?" asked her mother. "Do you want to be turned out on the landing? Come, out with it; what makes you laugh so?"
The child stammered79: she had not laughed; she had only coughed, but I felt certain she had seen Simoneau bending over Marguerite and had felt amused.
The lamp had been lit when a knock was heard at the door.
"It must be the doctor at last," said the old woman.
It was the doctor; he did not apologize for coming so late, for he had no doubt ascended80 many flights of stairs during the day. The room being but imperfectly lighted by the lamp, he inquired: "Is the body here?"
"Yes, it is," answered Simoneau.
Marguerite had risen, trembling violently. Mme Gabin dismissed Dede, saying it was useless that a child should be present, and then she tried to lead my wife to the window, to spare her the sight of what was about to take place.
The doctor quickly approached the bed. I guessed that he was bored, tired and impatient. Had he touched my wrist? Had he placed his hand on my heart? I could not tell, but I fancied that he had only carelessly bent81 over me.
"Shall I bring the lamp so that you may see better?" asked Simoneau obligingly.
"No it is not necessary," quietly answered the doctor.
Not necessary! That man held my life in his hands, and he did not think it worth while to proceed to a careful examination! I was not dead! I wanted to cry out that I was not dead!
"At what o'clock did he die?" asked the doctor.
"At six this morning," volunteered Simoneau.
A feeling of frenzy82 and rebellion rose within me, bound as I was in seemingly iron chains. Oh, for the power of uttering one word, of moving a single limb!
"This close weather is unhealthy," resumed the doctor; "nothing is more trying than these early spring days."
And then he moved away. It was like my life departing. Screams, sobs83 and insults were choking me, struggling in my convulsed throat, in which even my breath was arrested. The wretch84! Turned into a mere16 machine by professional habits, he only came to a deathbed to accomplish a perfunctory formality; he knew nothing; his science was a lie, since he could not at a glance distinguish life from death-and now he was going--going!
"Good nighought helped to calm me. It had just occurred to me that I had witnessed a case similar to my own when I was employed at the hospital of Guerande. A man had been sleeping twenty-eight hours, the doctors hesitating in presence of his apparent lifelessness, when suddenly he had sat up in bed and was almost at once able to rise. I myself had already been asleep for some twenty-five hours; if I awoke at ten I should still be in time.
I endeavored to ascertain85 who was in the room and what was going on there. Dede must have been playing on the landing, for once when the door opened I heard her shrill childish laughter outside. Simoneau must have retired86, for nothing indicated his presence. Mme Gabin's slipshod tread was still audible over the floor. At last she spoke87.
"Come, my dear," she said. "It is wrong of you not to take it while it is hot. It, sir," said Simoneau.
There came a moment's silence; the doctor was probably bowing to Marguerite, who had turned while Mme Gabin was fastening the window. He left the room, and I heard his footsteps descending88 the stairs.
It was all over; I was condemned89. My last hope had vanished with that man. If I did not wake before eleven on the morrow I should be buried alive. The horror of that thought was so great that I lost all consciousness of my surroundings--'twas something like a fainting fit in death. The last sound I heard was the clicking of the scissors handled by Mme Gabin and Dede. The funeral vigil had begun; nobody spoke.
Marguerite had refused to retire to rest in the neighbor's room. She remained reclining in her armchair, with her beautiful face pale, her eyes closed and her long lashes90 wet with tears, while before her in the gloom Simoneau sat silently watching her.
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1
rite
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| n.典礼，惯例，习俗 | |
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rue
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| n.懊悔，芸香，后悔；v.后悔，悲伤，懊悔 | |
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embittered
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| v.使怨恨，激怒( embitter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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assailed
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| v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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knell
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| n.丧钟声；v.敲丧钟 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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musing
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| n. 沉思，冥想 adj. 沉思的, 冥想的 动词muse的现在分词形式 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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crumbling
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| adj.摇摇欲坠的 | |
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scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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livelihood
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| n.生计，谋生之道 | |
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marshes
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| n.沼泽，湿地( marsh的名词复数 ) | |
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monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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reigned
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| vi.当政，统治（reign的过去式形式） | |
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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torrents
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| n.倾注；奔流( torrent的名词复数 )；急流；爆发；连续不断 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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surmounted
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| 战胜( surmount的过去式和过去分词 )； 克服（困难）； 居于…之上； 在…顶上 | |
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pendulum
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| n.摆，钟摆 | |
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imprisonment
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| n.关押，监禁，坐牢 | |
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transit
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| n.经过，运输；vt.穿越，旋转；vi.越过 | |
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deafened
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| 使聋( deafen的过去式和过去分词 )； 使隔音 | |
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vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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disappearance
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| n.消失，消散，失踪 | |
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wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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43
crumble
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| vi.碎裂，崩溃；vt.弄碎，摧毁 | |
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commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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45
compassionately
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| adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地 | |
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morsel
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| n.一口，一点点 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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48
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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49
bustled
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| 闹哄哄地忙乱，奔忙( bustle的过去式和过去分词 )； 催促 | |
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unpacked
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| v.从（包裹等）中取出（所装的东西），打开行李取出( unpack的过去式和过去分词 )；拆包；解除…的负担；吐露（心事等） | |
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51
linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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chattered
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| （人）喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 )； 唠叨； （牙齿）打战； （机器）震颤 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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rummaging
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| 翻找，搜寻( rummage的现在分词 )； 海关检查 | |
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corpse
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| n.尸体，死尸 | |
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hovering
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| 鸟( hover的现在分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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bereavement
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| n.亲人丧亡，丧失亲人，丧亲之痛 | |
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encompassed
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| v.围绕( encompass的过去式和过去分词 )；包围；包含；包括 | |
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conjured
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| 用魔术变出( conjure的过去式和过去分词 )； 祈求，恳求； 变戏法； （变魔术般地） 使…出现 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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waned
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| v.衰落( wane的过去式和过去分词 )；（月）亏；变小；变暗淡 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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knuckles
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| n.（指人）指关节( knuckle的名词复数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝v.（指人）指关节( knuckle的第三人称单数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝 | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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dozing
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| v.打瞌睡,假寐 n.瞌睡 | |
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slumbers
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| 睡眠，安眠( slumber的名词复数 ) | |
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giggle
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| n.痴笑，咯咯地笑；v.咯咯地笑着说 | |
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exasperated
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| adj.恼怒的 | |
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stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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85
ascertain
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| vt.发现，确定，查明，弄清 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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lashes
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| n.鞭挞( lash的名词复数 )；鞭子；突然猛烈的一击；急速挥动v.鞭打( lash的第三人称单数 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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