I beg to say, that I use those last expressions advisedly, sir, and not in the sense in which they are now used by Jackanapeses. There were no Jackanapeses when I was a boy, Mr. Hood. England was Old England when I was young. I little thought it would ever come to be Young England when I was old. But everything is going backward.
Ah! governments were governments, and judges were judges, in my day, Mr. Hood. There was no nonsense then. Any of your seditious complainings, and we were ready with the military on the shortest notice. We should have charged Covent Garden Theatre, sir, on a Wednesday night: at the point of the bayonet. Then, the judges were full of dignity and firmness, and knew how to administer the law. There is only one judge who knows how to do his duty, now. He tried that revolutionary female the other day, who, though she was in full work (making shirts at three-halfpence a piece), had no pride in her country, but treasonably took it in her head, in the distraction2 of having been robbed of her easy earnings3, to attempt to drown herself and her young child; and the glorious man went out of his way, sir — out of his way — to call her up for instant sentence of Death; and to tell her she had no hope of mercy in this world — as you may see yourself if you look in the papers of Wednesday the 17th of April. He won’t be supported, sir, I know he won’t; but it is worth remembering that his words were carried into every manufacturing town of this kingdom, and read aloud to crowds in every political parlour, beer-shop, news-room, and secret or open place of assembly, frequented by the discontented working-men; and that no milk-and-water weakness on the part of the executive can ever blot5 them out. Great things like that, are caught up, and stored up, in these times, and are not forgotten, Mr. Hood. The public at large (especially those who wish for peace and conciliation) are universally obliged to him. If it is reserved for any man to set the Thames on fire, it is reserved for him; and indeed I am told he very nearly did it, once.
But even he won’t save the constitution, sir: it is mauled beyond the power of preservation6. Do you know in what foul7 weather it will be sacrificed and shipwrecked, Mr. Hood? Do you know on what rock it will strike, sir? You don’t, I am certain; for nobody does know as yet but myself. I will tell you.
The constitution will go down, sir (nautically speaking), in the degeneration of the human species in England, and its reduction into a mingled8 race of savages9 and pigmies.
That is my proposition. That is my prediction. That is the event of which I give you warning. I am now going to prove it, sir.
You are a literary man, Mr. Hood, and have written, I am told, some things worth reading. I say I am told, because I never read what is written in these days. You’ll excuse me; but my principle is, that no man ought to know anything about his own time, except that it is the worst time that ever was, or is ever likely to be. That is the only way, sir, to be truly wise and happy.
In your station, as a literary man, Mr. Hood, you are frequently at the Court of Her Gracious Majesty11 the Queen. God bless her! You have reason to know that the three great keys to the royal palace (after rank and politics) are Science, Literature, Art. I don’t approve of this myself. I think it ungenteel and barbarous, and quite un-English; the custom having been a foreign one, ever since the reigns12 of the uncivilised sultans in the Arabian Nights, who always called the wise men of their time about them. But so it is. And when you don’t dine at the royal table, there is always a knife and fork for you at the equerries’ table: where, I understand, all gifted men are made particularly welcome.
But all men can’t be gifted, Mr. Hood. Neither scientific, literary, nor artistical powers are any more to be inherited than the property arising from scientific, literary, or artistic13 productions, which the law, with a beautiful imitation of nature, declines to protect in the second generation. Very good, sir. Then, people are naturally very prone14 to cast about in their minds for other means of getting at Court Favour; and, watching the signs of the times, to hew15 out for themselves, or their descendants, the likeliest roads to that distinguished16 goal.
Mr. Hood, it is pretty clear, from recent records in the Court Circular, that if a father wish to train up his son in the way he should go, to go to Court: and cannot indenture17 him to be a scientific man, an author, or an artist, three courses are open to him. He must endeavour by artificial means to make him a dwarf18, a wild man, or a Boy Jones.
Now, sir, this is the shoal and quicksand on which the constitution will go to pieces.
I have made inquiry19, Mr. Hood, and find that in my neighbourhood two families and a fraction out of every four, in the lower and middle classes of society, are studying and practising all conceivable arts to keep their infant children down. Understand me. I do not mean down in their numbers, or down in their precocity20, but down in their growth, sir. A destructive and subduing21 drink, compounded of gin and milk in equal quantities, such as is given to puppies to retard22 their growth: not something short, but something shortening: is administered to these young creatures many times a day. An unnatural23 and artificial thirst is first awakened24 in these infants by meals of salt beef, bacon, anchovies25, sardines26, red herrings, shrimps27, olives, pea-soup, and that description of diet; and when they screech28 for drink, in accents that might melt a heart of stone, which they do constantly (I allude29 to screeching30, not to melting), this liquid is introduced into their too confiding31 stomachs. At such an early age, and to so great an extent, is this custom of provoking thirst, then quenching32 it with a stunting33 drink, observed, that brine pap has already superseded34 the use of tops-and-bottoms; and wet-nurses, previously35 free from any kind of reproach, have been seen to stagger in the streets: owing, sir, to the quantity of gin introduced into their systems, with a view to its gradual and natural conversion36 into the fluid I have already mentioned.
Upon the best calculation I can make, this is going on, as I have said, in the proportion of about two families and a fraction in four. In one more family and a fraction out of the same number, efforts are being made to reduce the children to a state of nature; and to inculcate, at a tender age, the love of raw flesh, train oil, new rum, and the acquisition of scalps. Wild and outlandish dances are also in vogue37 (you will have observed the prevailing38 rage for the Polka); and savage10 cries and whoops39 are much indulged in (as you may discover, if you doubt it, in the House of Commons any night). Nay40, some persons, Mr. Hood; and persons of some figure and distinction too; have already succeeded in breeding wild sons; who have been publicly shown in the Courts of Bankruptcy41, and in police-offices, and in other commodious42 exhibition-rooms, with great effect, but who have not yet found favour at court; in consequence, as I infer, of the impression made by Mr. Rankin’s wild men being too fresh and recent, to say nothing of Mr. Rankin’s wild men being foreigners.
I need not refer you, sir, to the late instance of the Ojibbeway Bride. But I am credibly43 informed, that she is on the eve of retiring into a savage fastness, where she may bring forth44 and educate a wild family, who shall in course of time, by the dexterous45 use of the popularity they are certain to acquire at Windsor and St. James’s, divide with dwarfs46 the principal offices of state, of patronage47, and power, in the United Kingdom.
Consider the deplorable consequences, Mr. Hood, which must result from these proceedings48, and the encouragement they receive in the highest quarters.
The dwarf being the favourite, sir, it is certain that the public mind will run in a great and eminent49 degree upon the production of dwarfs. Perhaps the failures only will be brought up, wild. The imagination goes a long way in these cases; and all that the imagination can do, will be done, and is doing. You may convince yourself of this, by observing the condition of those ladies who take particular notice of General Tom Thumb at the Egyptian Hall, during his hours of performance.
The rapid increase of dwarfs, will be first felt in her Majesty’s recruiting department. The standard will, of necessity, be lowered; the dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller; the vulgar expression “a man of his inches” will become a figure of fact, instead of a figure of speech; crack regiments50, household-troops especially, will pick the smallest men from all parts of the country; and in the two little porticoes51 at the Horse Guards, two Tom Thumbs will be daily seen, doing duty, mounted on a pair of Shetland ponies52. Each of them will be relieved (as Tom Thumb is at this moment, in the intervals53 of his performance) by a wild man; and a British Grenadier will either go into a quart pot, or be an Old Boy, or Blue Gull54, or Flying Bull, or some other savage chief of that nature.
I will not expatiate55 upon the number of dwarfs who will be found representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis56; because I am inclined to think that this will be a change for the better; and that the engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will tend to the improvement of the public taste.
The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs, sir, it will be necessary to alter, in some respects, the present regulations. It is quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve a becoming dignity on state occasions, if required to walk about with a scaffolding-pole under his arm; therefore the gold and silver sticks at present used, must be cut down into skewers57 of those precious metals; a twig58 of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently preserved; the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, will be used in lieu of the mace59 at present in existence; and that bauble60 (as Oliver Cromwell called it, Mr. Hood), its value being first calculated by Mr. Finlayson, the government actuary, will be placed to the credit of the National Debt.
All this, sir, will be the death of the constitution. But this is not all. The constitution dies hard, perhaps; but there is enough disease impending61, Mr. Hood, to kill it three times over.
Wild men will get into the House of Commons. Imagine that, sir! Imagine Strong Wind in the House of Commons! It is not an easy matter to get through a debate now; but I say, imagine Strong Wind, speaking for the benefit of his constituents62, upon the floor of the House of Commons! or imagine (which is pregnant with more awful consequences still) the ministry63 having an interpreter in the House of Commons, to tell the country, in English, what it really means!
Why, sir, that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of the mortar64 in St. James’s Park, and leaving nothing of it to be seen but smoke.
But this, I repeat it, is the state of things to which we are fast tending, Mr. Hood; and I enclose my card for your private eye, that you may be quite certain of it. What the condition of this country will be, when its standing65 army is composed of dwarfs, with here and there a wild man to throw its ranks into confusion, like the elephants employed in war in former times, I leave you to imagine, sir. It may be objected by some hopeful jackanapeses, that the number of impressments in the navy, consequent upon the seizure66 of the Boy-Joneses, or remaining portion of the population ambitious of Court Favour, will be in itself sufficient to defend our Island from foreign invasion. But I tell those jackanapeses, sir, that while I admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones precedent67, of kidnapping such youths after the expiration68 of their several terms of imprisonment69 as vagabonds; hurrying them on board ship; and packing them off to sea again whenever they venture to take the air on shore; I deny the justice of the inference; inasmuch as it appears to me, that the inquiring minds of those young outlaws70 must naturally lead to their being hanged by the enemy as spies, early in their career; and before they shall have been rated on the books of our fleet as able seamen71.
Such, Mr. Hood, sir, is the prospect72 before us! And unless you, and some of your friends who have influence at Court, can get up a giant as a forlorn hope, it is all over with this ill-fated land.
In reference to your own affairs, sir, you will take whatever course may seem to you most prudent73 and advisable after this warning. It is not a warning to be slighted: that I happen to know. I am informed by the gentleman who favours this, that you have recently been making some changes and improvements in your Magazine, and are, in point of fact, starting afresh. If I be well informed, and this be really so, rely upon it that you cannot start too small, sir. Come down to the duodecimo size instantly, Mr. Hood. Take time by the forelock; and, reducing the stature74 of your Magazine every month, bring it at last to the dimensions of the little almanack no longer issued, I regret to say, by the ingenious Mr. Schloss: which was invisible to the naked eye until examined through a little eye-glass.
You project, I am told, the publication of a new novel, by yourself, in the pages of your Magazine. A word in your ear. I am not a young man, sir, and have had some experience. Don’t put your own name on the title-page; it would be suicide and madness. Treat with General Tom Thumb, Mr. Hood, for the use of his name on any terms. If the gallant75 general should decline to treat with you, get Mr. Barnum’s name, which is the next best in the market. And when, through this politic4 course, you shall have received, in presents, a richly jewelled set of tablets from Buckingham Palace, and a gold watch and appendages76 from Marlborough House; and when those valuable trinkets shall be left under a glass case at your publisher’s for inspection77 by your friends and the public in general; — then, sir, you will do me the justice of remembering this communication.
It is unnecessary for me to add, after what I have observed in the course of this letter, that I am not — sir, ever your
Constant Reader.
TUESDAY, 23rd April 1844.
P.S. — Impress it upon your contributors that they cannot be too short; and that if not dwarfish78, they must be wild — or at all events not tame.
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1
hood
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| n.头巾，兜帽，覆盖；v.罩上，以头巾覆盖 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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earnings
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| n.工资收人；利润，利益，所得 | |
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politic
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| adj.有智虑的；精明的；v.从政 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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preservation
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| n.保护，维护，保存，保留，保持 | |
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7
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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savages
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| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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reigns
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| n.君主的统治( reign的名词复数 )；君主统治时期；任期；当政期 | |
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13
artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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prone
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| adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的 | |
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hew
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| v.砍；伐；削 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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indenture
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| n.契约；合同 | |
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dwarf
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| n.矮子，侏儒，矮小的动植物；vt.使…矮小 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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precocity
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| n.早熟，早成 | |
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subduing
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| 征服( subdue的现在分词 )； 克制； 制服； 色变暗 | |
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retard
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| n.阻止，延迟；vt.妨碍，延迟，使减速 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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anchovies
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| n. 鯷鱼，凤尾鱼 | |
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sardines
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| n. 沙丁鱼 | |
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shrimps
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| n.虾，小虾( shrimp的名词复数 )；矮小的人 | |
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screech
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| n./v.尖叫；(发出)刺耳的声音 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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screeching
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| v.发出尖叫声( screech的现在分词 )；发出粗而刺耳的声音；高叫 | |
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31
confiding
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| adj.相信人的，易于相信的v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的现在分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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32
quenching
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| 淬火，熄 | |
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stunting
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| v.阻碍…发育[生长]，抑制，妨碍( stunt的现在分词 ) | |
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superseded
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| [医]被代替的，废弃的 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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conversion
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| n.转化，转换，转变 | |
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Vogue
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| n.时髦，时尚；adj.流行的 | |
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prevailing
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| adj.盛行的；占优势的；主要的 | |
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39
whoops
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| int.呼喊声 | |
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40
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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41
bankruptcy
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| n.破产；无偿付能力 | |
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42
commodious
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| adj.宽敞的；使用方便的 | |
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43
credibly
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| ad.可信地；可靠地 | |
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44
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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dexterous
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| adj.灵敏的；灵巧的 | |
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46
dwarfs
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| n.侏儒，矮子（dwarf的复数形式）vt.（使）显得矮小（dwarf的第三人称单数形式） | |
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47
patronage
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| n.赞助，支援，援助；光顾，捧场 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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eminent
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| adj.显赫的，杰出的，有名的，优良的 | |
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regiments
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| （军队的）团( regiment的名词复数 )； 大量的人或物 | |
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porticoes
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| n.柱廊，（有圆柱的）门廊( portico的名词复数 ) | |
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ponies
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| 矮种马，小型马( pony的名词复数 )； ￡25 25 英镑 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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54
gull
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| n.鸥；受骗的人；v.欺诈 | |
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55
expatiate
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| v.细说，详述 | |
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56
metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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57
skewers
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| n.串肉扦( skewer的名词复数 )；烤肉扦；棒v.（用串肉扦或类似物）串起，刺穿( skewer的第三人称单数 ) | |
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58
twig
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| n.小树枝，嫩枝；v.理解 | |
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mace
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| n.狼牙棒，豆蔻干皮 | |
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bauble
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| n.美观而无价值的饰物 | |
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impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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constituents
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| n.选民( constituent的名词复数 )；成分；构成部分；要素 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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mortar
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| n.灰浆，灰泥；迫击炮；v.把…用灰浆涂接合 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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seizure
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| n.没收；占有；抵押 | |
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precedent
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| n.先例，前例；惯例；adj.在前的，在先的 | |
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expiration
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| n.终结，期满，呼气，呼出物 | |
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imprisonment
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| n.关押，监禁，坐牢 | |
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outlaws
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| 歹徒，亡命之徒( outlaw的名词复数 )； 逃犯 | |
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seamen
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| n.海员 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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prudent
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| adj.谨慎的，有远见的，精打细算的 | |
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stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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76
appendages
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| n.附属物( appendage的名词复数 )；依附的人；附属器官；附属肢体（如臂、腿、尾等） | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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78
dwarfish
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| a.像侏儒的，矮小的 | |
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