Now a change took place. She was no longer vitally consumed about the child, she took the strain of her anxiety and her will from off him. And he thrived all the more for it.
She was thinking inside herself, of the sun in his splendour, and his entering into her. Her life was now a secret ritual. She always lay awake, before dawn, watching for the grey to colour to pale gold, to know if clouds lay on the sea’s edge. Her joy was when he rose all molten in his nakedness, and threw off blue-white fire, into the tender heaven.
But sometimes he came ruddy, like a big, shy creature. And sometimes slow and crimson5 red, with a look of anger, slowly pushing and shouldering. Sometimes again she could not see him, only the level cloud threw down gold and scarlet6 from above, as he moved behind the wall.
She was fortunate. Weeks went by, and though the dawn was sometimes clouded, and afternoon was sometimes grey, never a day passed sunless, and most days, winter though it was, streamed radiant. The thin little wild crocuses came up mauve and striped, the wild narcissus hung their winter stars.
Every day, she went down to the cypress7 tree, among the cactus8 grove9 on the knoll10 with yellowish cliffs at the foot. She was wiser and subtler now, wearing only a dove-grey wrapper, and sandals. So that in an instant, in any hidden niche11, she was naked to the sun. And the moment she was covered again she was grey and invisible.
Every day, in the morning towards noon, she lay at the foot of the powerful, silver-pawed cypress tree, while the sun strode jovial12 in heaven. By now she knew the sun in every thread of her body. Her heart of anxiety, that anxious, straining heart, had disappeared altogether, like a flower that falls in the sun, and leaves only a little ripening13 fruit. And her tense womb, though still closed, was slowly unfolding, slowly, slowly, like a lily bud under water, as the sun mysteriously touched it. Like a lily bud under water it was slowly rising to the sun, to expand at last, to the sun, only to the sun.
She knew the sun in all her body, the blue-molten with his white fire edges, throwing off fire. And, though he shone on all the world, when she lay unclothed he focussed on her. It was one of the wonders of the sun, he could shine on a million people, and still be the radiant, splendid, unique sun, focussed on her alone.
With her knowledge of the sun, and her conviction that the sun was gradually penetrating14 her to know her, in the cosmic carnal sense of the word, came over her a feeling of a detachment from people, and a certain contemptuous tolerance15 for human beings altogether. They were so unelemental, so unsunned. They were so like graveyard16 worms.
Even the peasants passing up the rocky, ancient little road with their donkeys, sun-blackened as they were, were not sunned right through. There was a little soft white core of fear, like a snail17 in a shell, where the soul of the man cowered18 in fear of the natural blaze of life. He dared not quite see the sun: always innerly cowed. All men were like that.
Why admit men!
With her indifference19 to people, to men, she was not now so cautious about being seen. She had told Marinina, who went shopping for her in the village, that the doctor had ordered sun-baths. Let that suffice.
Marinina was a woman of sixty or more, tall, thin, erect20, with curling dark-grey hair, and dark-grey eyes that had the shrewdness of thousands of years in them, with the laugh, half mockery, that underlies21 all long experience. Tragedy is lack of experience.
“It must be beautiful to go naked in the sun,” said Marinina, with a shrewd laugh in her eyes as she looked keenly at the other woman. Juliet’s fair, bobbed hair curled in a little cloud at her temples. Marinina was a woman of Magna Graecia, and had far memories. She looked again at Juliet.
“But when a woman is beautiful, she can show herself to the sun? eh? isn’t it true?” she added, with that queer, breathless little laugh of the women of the past.
“Who knows if I am beautiful!” said Juliet.
But beautiful or not, she felt that by the sun she was appreciated. Which is the same.
When, out of the sun at noon, sometimes she stole down over the rocks and past the cliff-edge, down to the deep gully where the lemons hung in cool eternal shadow; and in the silence slipped off her wrapper to wash herself quickly at one of the deep, clear green basins, she would notice, in the bare green twilight22 under the lemon leaves, that all her body was rosy23, rosy, and turning to gold. She was like another person. She was another person.
So she remembered that the Greeks had said a white unsunned body was unhealthy, and fishy24.
And she would rub a little olive oil into her skin, and wander a moment in the dark underworld of the lemons, balancing a lemon-flower in her navel, laughing to herself. There was just a chance some peasant might see her. But if he did, he would be more afraid of her than she of him. She knew of the white core of fear in the clothed bodies of men.
She knew it even in her little son. How he mistrusted her, now that she laughed at him, with the sun in her face! She insisted on his toddling25 naked in the sunshine, every day. And now his little body was pink too, his blond hair was pushed thick from his brow, his cheeks had a pomegranate scarlet, in the delicate gold of the sunny skin. He was bonny and healthy, and the servants, loving his gold and red and blue, called him an angel from heaven.
But he mistrusted his mother: she laughed at him. And she saw, in his wide blue eyes, under the little frown, that centre of fear, misgiving26, which she believed was at the centre of all male eyes, now. She called it fear of the sun. And her womb stayed shut against all men, sun-fearers.
“He fears the sun,” she would say to herself, looking down into the eyes of the child.
And as she watched him toddling, swaying, tumbling in the sunshine, making his little bird-like noises, she saw that he held himself tight and hidden from the sun, inside himself, and his balance was clumsy, his movements a little gross. His spirit was like a snail in a shell, in a damp, cold crevice27 inside himself. It made her think of his father. And she wished she could make him come forth, break out in a gesture of recklessness, a salutation to the sun.
She determined28 to take him with her, down to the cypress tree among the cactus. She would have to watch him, because of the thorns. But surely in that place he would come forth from the little shell, deep inside him. That little civilised tension would disappear off his brow.
She spread a rug for him and sat down. Then she slid off her wrapper and lay down herself, watching a hawk29 high in the blue, and the tip of the cypress hanging over.
The boy played with stones on the rug. When he got up to toddle30 away, she got up too. He turned and looked at her. Almost, from his blue eyes, it was the challenging, warm look of the true male. And he was handsome, with the scarlet in the golden blond of his skin. He was not really white. His skin was gold-dusky.
“Mind the thorns, darling,” she said.
“Thorns!” re-echoed the child, in a birdy chirp31, still looking at her over his shoulder, like some naked putto in a picture, doubtful.
“Nasty prickly thorns.”
“Ickly thorns!”
He staggered in his little sandals over the stones, pulling at the dry mint. She was quick as a serpent, leaping to him, when he was going to fall against the prickles. It surprised even herself. “What a wild cat I am, really!” she said to herself.
She brought him every day, when the sun shone, to the cypress tree.
“Come!” she said, “Let us go to the cypress tree.”
And if there was a cloudy day, with the tramontana blowing, so that she could not go down, the child would chirp incessantly32: “Cypress tree! Cypress tree!”
He missed it as much as she did.
It was not just taking sun-baths. It was much more than that. Something deep inside her unfolded and relaxed, and she was given to a cosmic influence. By some mysterious will inside her, deeper than her known consciousness and her known will, she was put into connection with the sun, and the stream of the sun flowed through her, round her womb. She herself, her conscious self, was secondary, a secondary person, almost an onlooker33. The true Juliet lived in the dark flow of the sun within her deep body, like a river of dark rays circling, circling dark and violet round the sweet, shut bud of her womb.
She had always been mistress of herself, aware of what she was doing, and held tense in her own command. Now she felt inside her quite another sort of power, something greater than herself, darker and more savage34, the element flowing upon her. Now she was vague, in the spell of a power beyond herself.
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1
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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goad
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| n.刺棒，刺痛物；激励；vt.激励，刺激 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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7
cypress
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| n.柏树 | |
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cactus
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| n.仙人掌 | |
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grove
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| n.林子，小树林，园林 | |
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knoll
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| n.小山，小丘 | |
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niche
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| n.壁龛；合适的职务(环境、位置等) | |
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jovial
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| adj.快乐的，好交际的 | |
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ripening
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| v.成熟，使熟( ripen的现在分词 )；熟化；熟成 | |
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14
penetrating
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| adj.（声音）响亮的，尖锐的adj.（气味）刺激的adj.（思想）敏锐的，有洞察力的 | |
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15
tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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16
graveyard
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| n.坟场 | |
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17
snail
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| n.蜗牛 | |
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18
cowered
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| v.畏缩，抖缩( cower的过去式 ) | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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underlies
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| v.位于或存在于（某物）之下( underlie的第三人称单数 )；构成…的基础（或起因），引起 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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fishy
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| adj. 值得怀疑的 | |
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toddling
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| v.（幼儿等）东倒西歪地走( toddle的现在分词 )；蹒跚行走；溜达；散步 | |
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misgiving
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕 | |
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crevice
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| n.(岩石、墙等)裂缝；缺口 | |
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28
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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29
hawk
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| n.鹰，骗子；鹰派成员 | |
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30
toddle
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| v.（如小孩）蹒跚学步 | |
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31
chirp
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| v.(尤指鸟)唧唧喳喳的叫 | |
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32
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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onlooker
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| n.旁观者，观众 | |
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34
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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