I spoke2 some pages back of the Westchester County Despair Association, which was founded by George Creel and which has a large membership in our immediate3 section. As I stated then, any city-bred man who turns amateur farmer and moves into our neighborhood, and who in developing his country place has a streak4 of hard labor5, is eligible to join this organization. And sooner or later—but as a general thing sooner—all the urbanites who settle up our way do join. Some day we shall be strong enough to club in and elect our own county officers on a ticket pledged to run a macadam highway past the estate of each member.
Our main claim to qualification was based upon the water question; and yet at the outset it appeared to us that lack of water would be the very least of our troubles. When we took title to our abandoned farm, and for the first time explored the bramble-grown valley leading up from the proposed site of our house to the woodland, we several times had to wade6, and once or twice thought we should have to swim. Why, we actually congratulated ourselves upon having acquired riparian rights without paying for them.
This was in the springtime; and the springs along the haunches of the hills upon either side of the little ravine were speaking in burbly murmuring voices, like overflowing7 mouths, as they spilled forth8 their accumulated store of the melted snows of the winter before; and the April rainstorms had made a pond of every low place in the county.
In our ignorance we assumed that, since there was now plenty of water of Nature's furnishing, there always would be plenty of water forthcoming from the same prodigal9 source—more water than we could possibly ever need unless we opened up a fresh-water bathing beach in the lower meadow of our place. So we dug out and stoned up the uppermost spring, which seemed to have the most generous vein10 of them all, and put in pipes. The lay of the land and the laws of gravity did the rest, bringing the flow downgrade in a gurgling comforting stream, which poured day and night without cessation.
This detail having been attended to, we turned our attention to other things. Goodness knows there were plenty of things requiring attention. I figured at that period of our pioneering work that if we got into the Despair Association at all it would follow as the result of my being indicted11 for more or less justifiable12 manslaughter in having destroyed an elderly gentleman of the vicinity, whom upon the occasion of our first meeting I rechristened as Old Major Gloom, and of whom we still speak behind his back by that same name.
The major lived a short distance from us, within easy walking distance, and he speedily proved that he was an easy walker. I shall not forget the first day he came to call. He ambled13 up a trail that the previous tenants14, through a chronic15 delusion16, had insisted upon calling a road; and he found me up to my gills in the midst of the preliminary job of trying to decide where we should make a start at clearing out the jungle, which once upon a time, probably back in the Stone Age, as nearly as we might judge from its present condition, had been the house garden.
We had been camping on the place only a few days. We climbed over, through and under mystic mazes17 of household belongings18 to get our meals, or to get to our beds, or to get anywhere, and altogether were existing in a state of disorder19 that might be likened to the condition the Germans created with such thoroughgoing and painstaking20 efficiency when falling back from an occupied French community.
I trust we are not lacking in hospitality; but, for the moment, we were in no mood to receive visitors. However, upon first judgment21 the old major's appearance was such as to disarm22 hostility23 and re-arouse the slumbering24 instincts of cordiality. He was of a benevolent25 aspect, with fine white whiskers and an engaging manner. If you can imagine one of the Minor26 Prophets, who had stepped right out of the Old Testament27, stopping en route at a ready-made clothing store, you will have a very fair mental picture of the major as he looked when he approached me, with hand outstretched, and in warm tones bade me welcome to Upper Westchester. He fooled me; he would have fooled anybody unless possibly it were an expert criminologist, trained at discerning depravity when masked behind a pleasing exterior28.
When he spoke I placed him with regard to his antecedents, for I had been on the spot long enough to recognize the breed to which he belonged. There is a type of native-born citizen of this part of New York State who comes of an undiluted New England strain, being the descendant of pioneering Yankees who settled along the lower Hudson Valley after the Revolution and immediately started in to trade the original Dutch settlers out of their lands and their eyeteeth.
The subsequent generations of this transplanted stock have preserved some of the customs and many of the idioms of their stern and rock-bound forebears; at the same time they have acquired most of the linguistic29 eccentricities30 of the New York cockney. Except that they dwell in proximity31 to it, they have nothing in common with the great city that is only thirty or forty miles away as the motorist flies. Generally they profess32 a contempt for New York and all its works. They may not visit it once a year; but, all the same, its influence has crept up through the hills to tincture their mode of speech with queer distinctive33 modes of pronunciation.
The result is a composite dialectic system not to be found anywhere else except in this little strip of upland country and in certain isolated34 communities over on Long Island, along the outer edge of the zone of metropolitan35 life and excitement. For instance, a member of this race of beings will call a raspberry a "rosbry"; and he will call a bluebird a "blubbud," thereby36 displaying the inherited vernacular37 of the Down East country. He will say "oily" when he means early, and "early" when he means oily, and occasionally he will even say "yous" for you—peculiarities which in other environment serve unmistakably to mark the born-and-bred Manhattanite.
The major at once betrayed himself as such a person. He introduced himself, adding that as a neighbor he had felt it incumbent38 to call. I removed a couple of the family portraits and a collection of Indian relics39 and a few kitchen utensils40, and one thing and another, from the seat of a chair, and begged him to sit down and make himself at home, which he did. He accepted a cigar, which I fished out of a humidor temporarily tucked away beneath a roll of carpet; and we spoke of the weather, to which he gave a qualified41 and cautious indorsement. Then, without further delay, he hitched42 his chair over and laid a paternal43 hand upon my arm.
"I hear you've got Blank, the lawyer, searching out the title to your propputty here."
"Yes," I said; "Mr. Blank took the matter in hand for us. Fine man, isn't he?"
"Well, some people think so," he said with an emphasis of profound significance.
"Doesn't everybody think so?" I inquired. "Listen," he said; "my motto is, Live and let live. And, anyhow, I'm the last man in the world to go round prejudicing a newcomer against an old resident. Now I've just met you and, on the other hand, I've known Blank all my life; in fact, we're sort of related by marriage—a relative of his married a relative of my wife's. So, of course, I've got nothing to say to you on that score except this—and I'm going to say it to you now in the strictest confidence—if I was doing business with Blank I'd be mighty44, mighty careful, young man."
"You astonish me," I said. "Mr. So-and-So"—naming a prominent business man of the county seat—"recommended his firm to me."
"Oh, So-and-So, eh? I wonder what the understanding between those two is? Probably they've hatched up something."
"Why, isn't So-and-So above suspicion?" I asked. "I wouldn't say he was and I wouldn't say he wasn't. But, just between you and me, I'd think twice about taking any advice he gave me. They tell me you've let the contract for some work to Dash & Space?"
"Yes; I gave them one small job."
"Too bad!"
"What's too bad?"
"You'll be finding out for yourself before you're done; so I won't say anything more on that subject neither. I could tell you a good deal about those fellows if I was a-mind to; but I never believed in repeating anything behind a man's back I wouldn't say to his face. Live and let live!—that's my motto. Anyhow, if you've already signed up with Dash & Space it's too late for you to be backing out—but keep your eyes open, young man; keep your eyes wide open. Who's your architect going to be?"
I told him. He repeated the name in rather a disappointed fashion.
"Never heard of him," he admitted; "but I take it he's like the run of his kind of people. I never yet saw the architect that I'd trust as far as I could sling46 him by the coat-tails. Say, ain't that Bink's delivery wagon47 standing45 over yonder in front of your stable?"
"I think so. We've been buying some things from Bink."
"You've opened up a regular account with him, then?"
"Yes."
"Well, I wouldn't reflect on Bink's honesty for any amount of money in the world. Of my own knowledge I don't know anything against him one way or the other. Of course, from time to time I've heard a lot of things that other people said about him; but that's only hearsay48 evidence, and I make it a rule not to repeat gossip about anybody. Still"—he lingered over the word—"still, if it was me instead of you, I'd go over his bills very carefully—that's all!
"I don't blame any fellow for trying to get along in his business; and I guess the competition is so keen in the retail49 merchandising line that oncet in a while a man just naturally has to skin his customers a little. But that's no argument why he should try to take the entire hide off of 'em. They tell me Bink's bookkeeper is a regular wizard when it comes to making up an account, 'specially50 for a stranger." He took a puff51 or two at his cigar, meantime squinting52 across our weed-grown fields. "Don't I see 'Lonzo Begee chopping dead trees down there alongside the road?"
"Yes; I believe that's his name. He only came to work for us this morning. Seems to be a hustler."
"Does he, now? Well, ain't it a curious circumstance how many fellers starting in at a new job just naturally work their heads off and wind up at the end of the second week loafing? Strikes me that's particularly the case with the farm laborers53 round here. Now you take 'Lonzo Begee's case. He never worked for me—I'm mighty careful about who I hire, lemme tell you!—but it always struck me as a strange thing that 'Lonzo changes jobs so often. I make it a point to keep an eye on what's happening in this neighborhood; and seems like every time I run acrost him he's working in a different place for a different party.
"And yet you never can tell—he might turn out to be a satisfactory hand for you. Stranger things have happened. And besides, what suits one man don't suit another. I believe in letting a man find out about these things for himself. The bitterer the experience and the more it costs him, the more likely he is to remember the lesson and profit by it. Don't you think so yourself?"
I told him I thought so; and presently he took his departure, after remarking that we had purchased a place with a good many possibilities in it; though, from what he had heard, we probably paid too much for it, and he only hoped we didn't waste too much money in developing. He left me filled with so many doubts and so many misgivings54 that I felt congested. Within two days he was back, though, still actuated by the neighborly spirit, to warn me against a few more persons with whom we had already had dealings, or with whom we expected to have dealings, or with whom conceivably we might some day have dealings.
And within a week after that he returned a third time to put me on my guard against one or two more individuals who somehow had been overlooked by him in his previous visits. Rarely did he come out in the open and accuse anybody of anything. He was too crafty55, too subtle for that. The major was a regular sutler. But he certainly did understand the art of planting the poison. Give him time enough, and he could destroy a fellow's confidence in the entire human race.
He specialized56 in no single direction; his gifts were ample for all emergencies. When he tired of making you distrustful of those about you, or when temporarily he ran out of material, he knew the knack57 of making you distrustful of your own judgment. For example, there was the time, in the second month of our acquaintance I think it was, when he meandered58 in to inspect the work of renovation59 that had just been started on the stable. He spent perhaps ten minutes going over the premises60, now and then uttering low, disparaging61, clucking sounds under his breath. I followed him about fearsomely. I was distressed62 on account of the disclosures that I felt would presently be forthcoming.
"Putting on a slate63 roof, eh?" he said when he was done with the investigation64. "Expect it to stay put?"
I admitted that such had been the calculation of the builder.
"Nothing like being one of these here optimists," he commented dryly. "But I want to tell you that it's the biggest mistake you ever made to put a slate roof on those sloping gables without sticking in some metal uprights to keep the snow from sliding off in a lump when the winter thaws65 come."
It had always seemed to me that snow had few enough pleasures as it was. Though I had given the subject but little thought, it appeared to me that if sliding off a roof gave the snow any satisfaction it would ill become me or any one else to interfere66. I ventured to say as much.
"I guess you don't get my meaning," he explained. "When the snow starts sliding, if there's enough of it, it's purty sure to take most of those slates67 along with it. And then where'll you be, I want to know?"
"Is—is it too late to put up some anti-sliding thingumbobs now?" I asked.
"Oh, yes," he said comfortingly; "it's too late now unless you ripped the whole job off and started all over again. I judge you'll just have to let Nature take its course. I see you've got a chimney that don't come over the ridge68 of the roof. Are you calculating that it'll draw?"
"I rather hoped it would—that was the intention, I believe."
"Well, then, you're in for another disappointment there. But if I was you I shouldn't fret69 myself about that, because it'll be some months yet before you'll be building a fire in the fireplace, what with the warm weather just coming on; and you can have the top of the chimney lifted almost any time.... I don't want to alarm you needlessly; but it looks to me like mighty faulty drainpipes the plumber's been putting in for you. You'll have to snatch all that out before a great while and have new pipes put in proper. Don't it beat all what sharpers plumbers70 are? But then, they're no worse than other artisans, taking them by and large. F'r instance, what could be a worse job than that plastering in your bedroom, or those tin gutters71 up yonder at your eaves? The plastering may stay up a while, but the first good hard storm ought to bring the gutters down. I don't like your masonry72 work, either, if you're asking me for my opinion; and I see the carpenters are slipping in some mighty sorry-looking flooring on you."
I am not exaggerating. I am repeating, as accurately73 as I can, a conversation that really took place.
For a while the major was in a fair way to spoil the present century for me. If the inhabitants of the countryside were in a conspiracy74 to strip the pelfry off a fresh arrival and divide it among them as souvenirs, if there was no honesty left anywhere in a corrupted75 world, what, then, was the use of living? Why not commit suicide according to one of the standard methods and have done with the struggle, trusting that the undertaker would not be too much of a gouge76 and that the executors of the estate would leave a trifle of it for the widow and the orphan77?
But, after a spell, during which from the various firms, corporations and persons who had been traduced78 by him we uniformly had considerate and fair and scrupulously79 honorable treatment and service, we began to disregard the major's danger signals and to steer80 right past them. He, though, wearied not in well-doing. At every chance he dropped in, a poison viper81 disguised as a philanthropist, to hang another red light on the switch for us. It was inevitable82 that his ministrations should get on our nerves. I began to have visions centering about justifiable acts of homicide, always with the major for the chosen victim of my violence.
It was after having such a dream that I figured myself as getting into George Creel's Despair Association by virtue83 of having to stand trial over at White Plains for murder. As a matter of fact, I spared the major; and at last accounts he was still going to and fro in the land, planting slanders84 on all likely sites. I take it that there is one counterpart for him among every so many human beings; but it is in the country where every one has a chance to find out every one's business, and where the excuses of being neighborly and friendly give him opportunity for plying85 his trade that he is most in evidence.
点击收听单词发音
1 eligible | |
adj.有条件被选中的;(尤指婚姻等)合适(意)的 | |
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2 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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3 immediate | |
adj.立即的;直接的,最接近的;紧靠的 | |
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4 streak | |
n.条理,斑纹,倾向,少许,痕迹;v.加条纹,变成条纹,奔驰,快速移动 | |
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5 labor | |
n.劳动,努力,工作,劳工;分娩;vi.劳动,努力,苦干;vt.详细分析;麻烦 | |
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6 wade | |
v.跋涉,涉水;n.跋涉 | |
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7 overflowing | |
n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的,充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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8 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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9 prodigal | |
adj.浪费的,挥霍的,放荡的 | |
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10 vein | |
n.血管,静脉;叶脉,纹理;情绪;vt.使成脉络 | |
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11 indicted | |
控告,起诉( indict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12 justifiable | |
adj.有理由的,无可非议的 | |
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13 ambled | |
v.(马)缓行( amble的过去式和过去分词 );从容地走,漫步 | |
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14 tenants | |
n.房客( tenant的名词复数 );佃户;占用者;占有者 | |
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15 chronic | |
adj.(疾病)长期未愈的,慢性的;极坏的 | |
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16 delusion | |
n.谬见,欺骗,幻觉,迷惑 | |
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17 mazes | |
迷宫( maze的名词复数 ); 纷繁复杂的规则; 复杂难懂的细节; 迷宫图 | |
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18 belongings | |
n.私人物品,私人财物 | |
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19 disorder | |
n.紊乱,混乱;骚动,骚乱;疾病,失调 | |
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20 painstaking | |
adj.苦干的;艰苦的,费力的,刻苦的 | |
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21 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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22 disarm | |
v.解除武装,回复平常的编制,缓和 | |
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23 hostility | |
n.敌对,敌意;抵制[pl.]交战,战争 | |
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24 slumbering | |
微睡,睡眠(slumber的现在分词形式) | |
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25 benevolent | |
adj.仁慈的,乐善好施的 | |
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26 minor | |
adj.较小(少)的,较次要的;n.辅修学科;vi.辅修 | |
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27 testament | |
n.遗嘱;证明 | |
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28 exterior | |
adj.外部的,外在的;表面的 | |
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29 linguistic | |
adj.语言的,语言学的 | |
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30 eccentricities | |
n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 );反常;怪癖 | |
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31 proximity | |
n.接近,邻近 | |
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32 profess | |
v.声称,冒称,以...为业,正式接受入教,表明信仰 | |
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33 distinctive | |
adj.特别的,有特色的,与众不同的 | |
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34 isolated | |
adj.与世隔绝的 | |
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35 metropolitan | |
adj.大城市的,大都会的 | |
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36 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
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37 vernacular | |
adj.地方的,用地方语写成的;n.白话;行话;本国语;动植物的俗名 | |
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38 incumbent | |
adj.成为责任的,有义务的;现任的,在职的 | |
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39 relics | |
[pl.]n.遗物,遗迹,遗产;遗体,尸骸 | |
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40 utensils | |
器具,用具,器皿( utensil的名词复数 ); 器物 | |
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41 qualified | |
adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
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42 hitched | |
(免费)搭乘他人之车( hitch的过去式和过去分词 ); 搭便车; 攀上; 跃上 | |
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43 paternal | |
adj.父亲的,像父亲的,父系的,父方的 | |
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44 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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45 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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46 sling | |
vt.扔;悬挂;n.挂带;吊索,吊兜;弹弓 | |
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47 wagon | |
n.四轮马车,手推车,面包车;无盖运货列车 | |
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48 hearsay | |
n.谣传,风闻 | |
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49 retail | |
v./n.零售;adv.以零售价格 | |
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50 specially | |
adv.特定地;特殊地;明确地 | |
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51 puff | |
n.一口(气);一阵(风);v.喷气,喘气 | |
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52 squinting | |
斜视( squint的现在分词 ); 眯着眼睛; 瞟; 从小孔或缝隙里看 | |
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53 laborers | |
n.体力劳动者,工人( laborer的名词复数 );(熟练工人的)辅助工 | |
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54 misgivings | |
n.疑虑,担忧,害怕;疑虑,担心,恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 );疑惧 | |
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55 crafty | |
adj.狡猾的,诡诈的 | |
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56 specialized | |
adj.专门的,专业化的 | |
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57 knack | |
n.诀窍,做事情的灵巧的,便利的方法 | |
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58 meandered | |
(指溪流、河流等)蜿蜒而流( meander的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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59 renovation | |
n.革新,整修 | |
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60 premises | |
n.建筑物,房屋 | |
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61 disparaging | |
adj.轻蔑的,毁谤的v.轻视( disparage的现在分词 );贬低;批评;非难 | |
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62 distressed | |
痛苦的 | |
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63 slate | |
n.板岩,石板,石片,石板色,候选人名单;adj.暗蓝灰色的,含板岩的;vt.用石板覆盖,痛打,提名,预订 | |
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64 investigation | |
n.调查,调查研究 | |
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65 thaws | |
n.(足以解冻的)暖和天气( thaw的名词复数 );(敌对国家之间)关系缓和v.(气候)解冻( thaw的第三人称单数 );(态度、感情等)缓和;(冰、雪及冷冻食物)溶化;软化 | |
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66 interfere | |
v.(in)干涉,干预;(with)妨碍,打扰 | |
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67 slates | |
(旧时学生用以写字的)石板( slate的名词复数 ); 板岩; 石板瓦; 石板色 | |
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68 ridge | |
n.山脊;鼻梁;分水岭 | |
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69 fret | |
v.(使)烦恼;(使)焦急;(使)腐蚀,(使)磨损 | |
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70 plumbers | |
n.管子工,水暖工( plumber的名词复数 );[美][口](防止泄密的)堵漏人员 | |
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71 gutters | |
(路边)排水沟( gutter的名词复数 ); 阴沟; (屋顶的)天沟; 贫贱的境地 | |
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72 masonry | |
n.砖土建筑;砖石 | |
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73 accurately | |
adv.准确地,精确地 | |
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74 conspiracy | |
n.阴谋,密谋,共谋 | |
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75 corrupted | |
(使)败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)腐化; 引起(计算机文件等的)错误; 破坏 | |
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76 gouge | |
v.凿;挖出;n.半圆凿;凿孔;欺诈 | |
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77 orphan | |
n.孤儿;adj.无父母的 | |
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78 traduced | |
v.诋毁( traduce的过去式和过去分词 );诽谤;违反;背叛 | |
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79 scrupulously | |
adv.一丝不苟地;小心翼翼地,多顾虑地 | |
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80 steer | |
vt.驾驶,为…操舵;引导;vi.驾驶 | |
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81 viper | |
n.毒蛇;危险的人 | |
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82 inevitable | |
adj.不可避免的,必然发生的 | |
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83 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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84 slanders | |
诽谤,诋毁( slander的名词复数 ) | |
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85 plying | |
v.使用(工具)( ply的现在分词 );经常供应(食物、饮料);固定往来;经营生意 | |
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