He had just emerged from one of those crucial experiences of life, which, more than the turning of the earth upon its axis4, serve to age a human being. For perhaps the first time in the brief span of his remembrance, he had scrutinized5 himself in the pitiless light of an intelligence higher than his own everyday consciousness; and the sight of that meaner self, striving to run to cover, had not been pleasant. Just why his late interview with Andrew Bolton should have precipitated6 this event, he could not possibly have explained to any one—and least of all to himself. He had begun, logically enough, with an illuminating7 review of the motives8 which led him into the ministry9; they were a sorry lot, on the whole; but his subsequent ambitions appeared even worse. For the first time, he perceived his own consummate10 selfishness set over against the shining renunciations of his mother. Then, step by step, he followed his career in Brookville: his smug satisfaction in his own good looks; his shallow pride and vanity over the vapid11 insincerities he had perpetrated Sunday after Sunday in the shabby pulpit of the Brookville church; his Pharisaical relations with his people; his utter misunderstanding of their needs. All this proved poignant12 enough to force the big drops to his forehead.... There were other aspects of himself at which he scarcely dared look in his utter abasement13 of spirit; those dark hieroglyphics14 of the beast-self which appear on the whitest soul. He had supposed himself pure and saintly because, forsooth, he had concealed15 the arena16 of these primal17 passions beneath the surface of this outward life, chaining them there like leashed tigers in the dark.... Two faces of women appeared to be looking on, while he strove to unravel18 the snarl19 of his self-knowledge. Lydia's unworldly face, wearing a faint nimbus of unimagined self-immolation, and Fanny's—full of love and solicitude20, the face which he had almost determined21 to forget.
He was going to Lydia. Every newly awakened22 instinct of his manhood bade him go.
She came to him at once, and without pretense23 of concealment24 began to speak of her father. She trembled a little as she asked:
“He told you who he was?”
Without waiting for his answer she gravely corrected herself.
“I should have said, who we are.”
She smiled a faint apology:
“I have always been called Lydia Orr; it was my mother's name. I was adopted into my uncle's family, after father—went to prison.”
Her blue eyes met his pitying gaze without evasion25.
“I am glad you know,” she said. “I think I shall be glad—to have every one know. I meant to tell them all, at first. But when I found—”
“I know,” he said in a low voice.
Then because as yet he had said nothing to comfort her, or himself; and because every word that came bubbling to the surface appeared banal26 and inadequate27, he continued silent, gazing at her and marveling at her perfect serenity—her absolute poise28.
“It will be a relief,” she sighed, “When every one knows. He dislikes to be watched. I have been afraid—I could not bear to have him know how they hate him.”
“Perhaps,” he forced himself to say, “they will not hate him, when they know how you— Lydia, you are wonderful!”
She looked up startled and put out her hand as if to prevent him from speaking further.
But the words came in a torrent29 now:
“How you must despise me! I despise myself. I am not worthy30, Lydia; but if you can care—”
“Stop!” she said softly, as if she would lay the compelling finger of silence upon his lips. “I told you I was not like other women. Can't you see—?”
“You must marry me,” he urged, in a veritable passion of self-giving. “I want to help you! You will let me, Lydia?”
She shook her head.
“You could not help me; I am better alone.”
She looked at him, the glimmer31 of a smile dawning in her eyes.
“You do not love me,” she said; “nor I you. You are my friend. You will remain my friend, I hope?”
She arose and held out her hand. He took it without a word. And so they stood for a moment; each knowing without need of speech what the other was thinking; the man sorry and ashamed because he could not deny the truth of her words; and she compassionately32 willing to draw the veil of a soothing34 silence over his hurts.
“I ought to tell you—” he began.
But she shook her head:
“No need to tell me anything.”
“You mean,” he said bitterly, “that you saw through my shallow pretenses35 all the while. I know now how you must have despised me.”
“Is it nothing that you have asked me—a convict's daughter—to be your wife?” she asked. “Do you think I don't know that some men would have thanked heaven for their escape and never spoken to me again? I can't tell you how it has helped to hearten me for what must come. I shall not soon forget that you offered me your self—your career; it would have cost you that. I want you to know how much I—appreciate what you have done, in offering me the shelter of an honest name.”
He would have uttered some unavailing words of protest, but she checked him.
“We shall both be glad of this, some day,” she predicted gravely.... “There is one thing you can do for me,” she added: “Tell them. It will be best for both of us, now.”
It was already done, he said, explaining his motives in short, disjointed sentences.
Then with a feeling of relief which he strove to put down, but which nevertheless persisted in making itself felt in a curious lightening of his spirits, he was again walking rapidly and without thought of his destination. Somber36 bars of crimson37 and purple crossed the west, and behind them, flaming up toward the zenith in a passionate33 splendor of light, streamed long, golden rays from out the heart of that glory upon which no human eye may look. The angry wind had fallen to quiet, and higher up, floating in a sea of purest violet, those despised and flouted38 rags of clouds were seen, magically changed to rose and silver.
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1
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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axis
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| n.轴，轴线，中心线；坐标轴，基准线 | |
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scrutinized
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| v.仔细检查，详审( scrutinize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6
precipitated
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| v.（突如其来地）使发生( precipitate的过去式和过去分词 )；促成；猛然摔下；使沉淀 | |
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illuminating
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| a.富于启发性的，有助阐明的 | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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9
ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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10
consummate
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| adj.完美的；v.成婚；使完美 [反]baffle | |
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vapid
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| adj.无味的；无生气的 | |
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12
poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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13
abasement
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| n.滥用 | |
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14
hieroglyphics
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| n.pl.象形文字 | |
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15
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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16
arena
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| n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台 | |
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17
primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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18
unravel
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| v.弄清楚（秘密）；拆开，解开，松开 | |
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19
snarl
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| v.吼叫，怒骂，纠缠，混乱；n.混乱，缠结，咆哮 | |
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20
solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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21
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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22
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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23
pretense
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| n.矫饰，做作，借口 | |
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concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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evasion
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| n.逃避，偷漏(税) | |
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banal
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| adj.陈腐的，平庸的 | |
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inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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28
poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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29
torrent
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| n.激流，洪流；爆发，(话语等的)连发 | |
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30
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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31
glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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32
compassionately
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| adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地 | |
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33
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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34
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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35
pretenses
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| n.借口（pretense的复数形式） | |
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36
somber
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| adj.昏暗的，阴天的，阴森的，忧郁的 | |
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37
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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38
flouted
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| v.藐视，轻视( flout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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