BOOK OF HUSBANDS CHAPTER ONE

FOR A LONE¹ WOMAN
IN A GREAT
RESTAURANT
LOOKETH PITIFUL;
BUT AN HUSBAND
LOOKETH LIKE A
REAL TIP

Verily, my Daughter, an husband is a Good Thing. He giveth the house a “finished” look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate.

He suggesteth ready-money, and is an adornment² like unto a potted palm upon the piazza⁴.

When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is as a certificate of respectability; yea in the eyes of society, he is better than a written recommendation.

Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as a centerpiece, and more impressive than cut flowers and a butler in livery.

When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a choice spot within hearing of the music.

For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband looketh like a real tip.

When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring with flying16 feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much credit.

Yea, when thou goest forth⁵ to shop, saying “Send this thing to Mrs. Jones”, the clerk shall treat thee almost as an equal.

Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall come unto thy teas with an easy mind, knowing thou canst have no designs upon them. Thy family shall call thee “settled”, and no woman shall call thee “Poor Thing!”

Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine husband less them thine ideal, weep not, but be of good cheer.

For what profiteth it a woman, though she have every other luxury in all the world, and have not a little husband in her home?

17
CHAPTER TWO

A perfect husband, who can find one?

For his price is far above gold bonds.

The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and he shall have no lack of encouragement.

He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth home all his shekels.

He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from off the dumbwaiter. He starteth the kitchen range. He considereth his wife, and kisseth her occasionally.

Six days of the week doth he labor⁶ for his moneys, and upon the seventh doeth chores within the house for relaxation⁷.

With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower⁸ and washeth the dog.

He layeth his hands to the parlor⁹ curtains and putteth up the portieres.

He hooketh his wife’s dresses up the back, without mutterings.

18 He putteth the cat out by night.

He is not afraid of the cook.

His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes in the draperies.

For he doeth his smoking on the piazza.

He weareth everlasting¹⁰ socks and seweth on his own buttons.

His overcoat doeth him two seasons.

Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a dress suit without grumbling¹¹.

The grouch¹² knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth not expect chicken salad from left-over veal¹³, neither the making of lobster¹⁴ patties from an ham-bone.

His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth among the officers of her Club, by the fit of her gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth meagrely upon a sandwich that he may adorn³ her with fine jewels. He grumbleth not at the bills.

19 He openeth his mouth with praises and noteth her new frock. And the word of flattery is on his tongue.

He perceiveth not the existence of other women.

He may be trusted to mail a letter.

Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none like unto him.

Yet have ye all seen him—in your dreams!

20
CHAPTER THREE

Behold¹⁵, my Daughter, the Lord maketh a man—but the wife maketh an husband.

For Man is but the raw material whereon a woman putteth the finishing touches.

Yea, and whatsoever¹⁶ pattern of husband thou selectest, thou shalt find him like unto a shop-made garment, which must be trimmed over and cut down, and ironed out, and built up to fit the matrimonial situation.

Verily, the best of husbands hath many raw edges, and many unnecessary pleats in his temper, and many wrinkles in his disposition¹⁷, which must be removed.

Lo, I charge thee, be wary¹⁸ in thy choice. For, many shall call, but few shall propose. And, a wise damsel shall with difficulty select that which fitteth her disposition and matcheth her tastes—even that which shall not pinch upon the bank account, neither stretch upon the truth, neither shrink nor run nor fade.

21 At the second-hand¹⁹ counter thou shalt find many widowers²¹, which have been remodelled²² by another hand. And these are easy to acquire. Yet an hand-me-down may have been spoiled in the making, and become frayed²⁴ at the edges of the temper, and shiny on the seamy-side.

But a bachelor who hath passed forty is a remnant; and there is no good material left in him. His sentiments are moth-eaten and his tender speeches shop-worn. His manners shall require much basting²⁵ and his morals many patches. The gloss²⁶ hath been rubbed off his illusions and the color hath gone out of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall, peradventure, take one of these and remodel²³ him to seem as new.

For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best husband, but she that maketh the best of that which she getteth. Verily, verily, an husband is a work of art which must be executed by hand; for there is no factory which turneth them out to order.

22
CHAPTER FOUR

Go to the lemon grove²⁷, oh, thou Scholarette! For no woman with brains hath ever plucked a peach in the Garden of Matrimony.

Nay²⁸, it is not given unto one woman to possess both real ability and a real husband.

For unto a successful woman an husband is but an adjunct; and no man yearneth to be an annex²⁹!

Alas³⁰! He preferreth soft, sweet things, and unto him a woman that knoweth her own mind is an abomination.

Verily, verily, a woman with nerves affecteth a man as a mosquito that buzzeth throughout a summer night. She wearieth him.

But a woman with nerve is as a cold bath on a winter morning. She shocketh him!

Lo, an intelligent opinion in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe.

23 And a wife with judgment³¹ which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She appalleth him!

My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who hath been happily married?

Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and one throne in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself.

Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever thou receivest in the love game, accept it gladly and rejoice thereat.

For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an octogenarian spared from the grave; whether it be a left-over bachelor, or an hand-me-down widower²⁰; though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt do no better!

Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there cometh a season when she yearneth for sentiment, and neither the love of her “art” nor the adoration³³ of a poodle dog is sufficient.

24 And a little unhappiness with an husband is more to be desired than great loneliness without one.

Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti without sauce and more insipid³⁴ than bouillon without salt.

Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which Fate awardeth thee and let thine heart be comforted.

For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to be despised; and even an Highbrow shall find an husband an agreeable distraction³⁵ from serious things!

25
CHAPTER FIVE

How long, oh thou Credulous³⁶ One, wilt³⁷ thou continue to marry for a change; and the lawyers delight in their fees, and the neighbors in their “I-said-so’s”?

For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there is but one kind of husband!

Yea, though a man wed³² seven times seven times, he maketh not the same mistake twice.

But the woman who weddeth a second time, repeateth her own history.

Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not perceive from his words, neither from the cloves³⁸ upon his breath, nor the ardor³⁹ of his greeting, whether it be thy first or thy second husband, that kisseth thee.

For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as smooth as another’s.

One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as old as another’s.

26 One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry.

One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed.

One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten.

One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird⁴¹ as another without a shave.

One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as another.

One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom—even as another.

One man offereth up the morning and evening growl⁴⁰, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another.

Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their promises? For, before marriage, all men are promising⁴²; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth27 each and every one of them from a lover into a critic, from an admirer into a scoffer⁴³, from an adorer into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan.

Verily, verily, there is this difference only in husbands:

That the first maketh thee weep;

The second maketh thee wonder;

But the third maketh thee weary!

SELAH.

BRING THE CUSHION FOR
HIS HEAD, AND THE
FOOTSTOOL FOR HIS
FEET, AND FEED HIM
FROM THE CHAFING-DISH
WITH THE FRUITS OF
THINE OWN COOKING

1 lone   

adj.孤寂的，单独的；唯一的

参考例句：

• A lone sea gull flew across the sky.一只孤独的海鸥在空中飞过。
• She could see a lone figure on the deserted beach.她在空旷的海滩上能看到一个孤独的身影。

2 adornment   

n.装饰；装饰品

参考例句：

• Lucie was busy with the adornment of her room.露西正忙着布置她的房间。
• Cosmetics are used for adornment.化妆品是用来打扮的。

3 adorn   

vt.使美化，装饰

参考例句：

• She loved to adorn herself with finery.她喜欢穿戴华丽的服饰。
• His watercolour designs adorn a wide range of books.他的水彩设计使许多图书大为生色。

4 piazza   

n.广场；走廊

参考例句：

• Siena's main piazza was one of the sights of Italy.锡耶纳的主要广场是意大利的名胜之一。
• They walked out of the cafeteria,and across the piazzadj.他们走出自助餐厅,穿过广场。

5 forth   

adv.向前；向外，往外

参考例句：

• The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
• He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。

6 labor   

n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦

参考例句：

• We are never late in satisfying him for his labor.我们从不延误付给他劳动报酬。
• He was completely spent after two weeks of hard labor.艰苦劳动两周后，他已经疲惫不堪了。

7 relaxation   

n.松弛，放松；休息；消遣；娱乐

参考例句：

• The minister has consistently opposed any relaxation in the law.部长一向反对法律上的任何放宽。
• She listens to classical music for relaxation.她听古典音乐放松。

8 mower   

n.割草机

参考例句：

• We need a lawn mower to cut the grass.我们需要一台草坪修剪机来割草。
• Your big lawn mower is just the job for the high grass.割高草时正需要你的大割草机。

9 parlor   

n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅

参考例句：

• She was lying on a small settee in the parlor.她躺在客厅的一张小长椅上。
• Is there a pizza parlor in the neighborhood?附近有没有比萨店？

10 everlasting   

adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的

参考例句：

• These tyres are advertised as being everlasting.广告上说轮胎持久耐用。
• He believes in everlasting life after death.他相信死后有不朽的生命。

11 grumbling   

adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的

参考例句：

• She's always grumbling to me about how badly she's treated at work. 她总是向我抱怨她在工作中如何受亏待。
• We didn't hear any grumbling about the food. 我们没听到过对食物的抱怨。

12 grouch   

n.牢骚，不满；v.抱怨

参考例句：

• He's always having a grouch about something.他总是发脾气抱怨这个抱怨那个。
• One of the biggest grouches is the new system of payment.人们抱怨最多的一点就是这种新的支付方式。

13 veal   

n.小牛肉

参考例句：

• She sauteed veal and peppers,preparing a mixed salad while the pan simmered.她先做的一道菜是青椒煎小牛肉，趁着锅还在火上偎着的机会，又做了一道拼盘。
• Marinate the veal in white wine for two hours.把小牛肉用白葡萄酒浸泡两小时。

14 lobster   

n.龙虾，龙虾肉

参考例句：

• The lobster is a shellfish.龙虾是水生贝壳动物。
• I like lobster but it does not like me.我喜欢吃龙虾，但它不适宜于我的健康。

15 behold   

v.看，注视，看到

参考例句：

• The industry of these little ants is wonderful to behold.这些小蚂蚁辛勤劳动的样子看上去真令人惊叹。
• The sunrise at the seaside was quite a sight to behold.海滨日出真是个奇景。

16 whatsoever   

adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么

参考例句：

• There's no reason whatsoever to turn down this suggestion.没有任何理由拒绝这个建议。
• All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you,do ye even so to them.你想别人对你怎样，你就怎样对人。

17 disposition   

n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署

参考例句：

• He has made a good disposition of his property.他已对财产作了妥善处理。
• He has a cheerful disposition.他性情开朗。

18 wary   

adj.谨慎的，机警的，小心的

参考例句：

• He is wary of telling secrets to others.他谨防向他人泄露秘密。
• Paula frowned,suddenly wary.宝拉皱了皱眉头，突然警惕起来。

19 second-hand   

adj.用过的，旧的，二手的

参考例句：

• I got this book by chance at a second-hand bookshop.我赶巧在一家旧书店里买到这本书。
• They will put all these second-hand goods up for sale.他们将把这些旧货全部公开出售。

20 widower   

n.鳏夫

参考例句：

• George was a widower with six young children.乔治是个带著六个小孩子的鳏夫。
• Having been a widower for many years,he finally decided to marry again.丧偶多年后，他终于决定二婚了。

21 widowers   

n.鳏夫( widower的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Even elderly widows and widowers choose to live on their own. 连年迈的寡妇和鳏夫都选择独自生活。 来自互联网
• His works contain Widowers' House, Mrs. Warren's Profession, a play about the economic oppression of women. 他的早期代表作品包括《鳏夫的房产》，《沃伦夫人的职业》的主题是对妇女们经济上的压迫。 来自互联网

22 remodelled   

v.改变…的结构[形状]( remodel的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Oh, thanks. We remodelled it last year. 是吗？谢谢。我们去年改建的。 来自口语例句
• Kathy: Oh, thanks. We remodelled it last year. 凯西：是吗？谢谢。我们去年改建的。 来自互联网

23 remodel   

v.改造，改型，改变

参考例句：

• Workmen were hired to remodel and enlarge the farm buildings.雇用了工人来改造和扩建农场建筑。
• I'll remodel the downstairs bedroom first.我先要装修楼下那间房间。

24 frayed   

adj.磨损的v.（使布、绳等）磨损，磨破( fray的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• His shirt was frayed. 他的衬衫穿破了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The argument frayed their nerves. 争辩使他们不快。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

25 basting   

n.疏缝；疏缝的针脚；疏缝用线；涂油v.打( baste的现在分词 )；粗缝；痛斥；（烤肉等时）往上抹[浇]油

参考例句：

• Pam was in the middle of basting the turkey. 帕姆正在往烤鸡上淋油。 来自辞典例句
• Moreover, roasting and basting operations were continually carried on in front of the genial blaze. 此外，文火上还不断地翻烤着肉食。 来自辞典例句

26 gloss   

n.光泽，光滑；虚饰；注释；vt.加光泽于；掩饰

参考例句：

• John tried in vain to gloss over his faults.约翰极力想掩饰自己的缺点，但是没有用。
• She rubbed up the silver plates to a high gloss.她把银盘擦得很亮。

27 grove   

n.林子，小树林，园林

参考例句：

• On top of the hill was a grove of tall trees.山顶上一片高大的树林。
• The scent of lemons filled the grove.柠檬香味充满了小树林。

28 nay   

adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者

参考例句：

• He was grateful for and proud of his son's remarkable,nay,unique performance.他为儿子出色的，不，应该是独一无二的表演心怀感激和骄傲。
• Long essays,nay,whole books have been written on this.许多长篇大论的文章，不，应该说是整部整部的书都是关于这件事的。

29 annex   

vt.兼并，吞并；n.附属建筑物

参考例句：

• It plans to annex an England company in order to enlarge the market.它计划兼并一家英国公司以扩大市场。
• The annex has been built on to the main building.主楼配建有附属的建筑物。

30 alas   

int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等)

参考例句：

• Alas!The window is broken!哎呀！窗子破了！
• Alas,the truth is less romantic.然而，真理很少带有浪漫色彩。

31 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

32 wed   

v.娶，嫁，与…结婚

参考例句：

• The couple eventually wed after three year engagement.这对夫妇在订婚三年后终于结婚了。
• The prince was very determined to wed one of the king's daughters.王子下定决心要娶国王的其中一位女儿。

33 adoration   

n.爱慕，崇拜

参考例句：

• He gazed at her with pure adoration.他一往情深地注视着她。
• The old lady fell down in adoration before Buddhist images.那老太太在佛像面前顶礼膜拜。

34 insipid   

adj.无味的，枯燥乏味的，单调的

参考例句：

• The food was rather insipid and needed gingering up.这食物缺少味道，需要加点作料。
• She said she was a good cook,but the food she cooked is insipid.她说她是个好厨师，但她做的食物却是无味道的。

35 distraction   

n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐

参考例句：

• Total concentration is required with no distractions.要全神贯注，不能有丝毫分神。
• Their national distraction is going to the disco.他们的全民消遣就是去蹦迪。

36 credulous   

adj.轻信的，易信的

参考例句：

• You must be credulous if she fooled you with that story.连她那种话都能把你骗倒，你一定是太容易相信别人了。
• Credulous attitude will only make you take anything for granted.轻信的态度只会使你想当然。

37 wilt   

v.(使)植物凋谢或枯萎；(指人)疲倦，衰弱

参考例句：

• Golden roses do not wilt and will never need to be watered.金色的玫瑰不枯萎绝也不需要浇水。
• Several sleepless nights made him wilt.数个不眠之夜使他憔悴。

38 cloves   

n.丁香（热带树木的干花，形似小钉子，用作调味品，尤用作甜食的香料）( clove的名词复数 )；蒜瓣(a garlic ~|a ~of garlic)

参考例句：

• My country is rich in cinnamon, cloves, ginger, pepper, and precious stones. 我国盛产肉桂、丁香、生姜、胡椒和宝石。 来自辞典例句
• Ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, pepper and cloves are common spices. 姜、肉豆蔻、肉桂、胡椒、丁香都是常用的香料。 来自辞典例句

39 ardor   

n.热情，狂热

参考例句：

• His political ardor led him into many arguments.他的政治狂热使他多次卷入争论中。
• He took up his pursuit with ardor.他满腔热忱地从事工作。

40 growl   

v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣

参考例句：

• The dog was biting,growling and wagging its tail.那条狗在一边撕咬一边低声吼叫，尾巴也跟着摇摆。
• The car growls along rutted streets.汽车在车辙纵横的街上一路轰鸣。

41 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。

42 promising   

adj.有希望的，有前途的

参考例句：

• The results of the experiments are very promising.实验的结果充满了希望。
• We're trying to bring along one or two promising young swimmers.我们正设法培养出一两名有前途的年轻游泳选手。

43 scoffer   

嘲笑者

参考例句：

• A scoffer, a debauched person, and, in brief, a man of Belial. 一个玩世不恭的人，一个生活放荡的家伙，总而言之，是个恶棍。
• A scoffer, debauched person, and, in brief, a man of Belial. 玩世不恭者，是只知一切事物的价钱而不知其价值的人。