This being the case, it may fairly be said that Pillings has at last settled down into his proper place, and is one of the few instances of the "round man in a round hole."[Pg 238] He has not always been at the toll4-gate; on the contrary, his life has been somewhat varied5, and he has experienced a good many of the ups and downs of the world.
He began by being "bound 'prentice" to a carpenter, but his temper was against him, and so when his time was up he took to the more active life of a sailor.
Here again his enemy found him out, and he said good-bye to his shipmates without much sorrow on their part. "'Bout6 as much use a-talking to him as a marlinspike. Mate yer calls him! Nasty sulky beggar! In everybody's mess and nobody's watch," was the general verdict of the men; so it was no wonder they were glad to see him go over the side.
For the second time Mr. Pillings was in want of a job, and on this occasion he took to butchering, which he thought might be more likely to agree with his temperament7. But in about two months he quarrelled with his master, and after they had had it out in[Pg 239] the slaughter-house Pillings found himself once more in the world with three half-crowns in his pocket, about ten pounds at the bank, and a pair of as beautiful black eyes as one would wish to see, to say nothing of a nose three times its proper size, and a good many teeth very shaky.
When he had got his countenance8 back to its pristine9 beauty he tried his hand at The Red Cow as barman, and, strange to say, he managed to get on in this capacity very well.
The Red Cow, it must be known, is an inn much frequented by the knights10 of the pencil, so that Pillings, by keeping his ears open, and by a few judicious11 investments, soon managed to make a nice little nest-egg for himself; and having fallen a victim to the charms of the chambermaid, he offered to share his fortune with her.
Unfortunately for him the lady was "willing," and in a few months became Mrs. P., and shortly afterwards a mother.
[Pg 240]
The landlord of The Red Cow, on finding it out, was exceeding wroth, and sent John and his spouse12 packing instanter, which, as may be supposed, did not improve the man's temper or conduce to the domestic happiness of his wife.
After various ups and downs too numerous to enter into, to make a long story short, John Pillings, through the interest of a "friend at court," found himself installed at the gate-house, with nothing to do but open the gate, take the toll, and occasionally vary the monotony of existence by getting tipsy and belabouring his spouse. The latter event has become more frequent of late years, as, unlike the generality of things, the older he gets the tighter he gets, and often people are surprised to find the gate open and no one to take the money, "Old Sulky" being drunk in bed, and his wife having taken refuge with a neighbour until her husband is all right again.
When he is not in a hopeless condition[Pg 241] he is as smart as needs be, and a very 'cute man indeed it would have to be who could manage to evade13 the toll while the Man at the Gate was on the look-out.
What Pillings likes best is, on a market morning to keep the gate shut, and then when the farmers come hurrying up and shout: "Now then, gate; hi! gate," he will turn out, look up and down the road, and go slowly up to the tax-cart, or whatever the indignant individual may be in, and say "Toll."
"Hang you; open the gate, and look sharp," is the probable reply, as the money is handed down.
"Sha'n't go no quicker; ain't paid no more for looking sharp. If ye'r in such a bloomin' hurry, open it yerself," says Pillings, as he slowly unfastens the bolt and swings the gate back, laughing to himself as the farmers, pouring imprecations on his head, dash through.
More than once has "Ould Sulky" been the object of such delicate attentions as having[Pg 242] his door nailed up, and twice has the toll-gate been lifted off its hinges and carried bodily into the next parish. A very short time ago a few adventurous14 spirits, coming home from the market-town and finding the toll-gate open, stormed the gate-house, where Pillings was lying dead-drunk upstairs, and lifting him into their trap they carried him off to the nearest pound, where, having borrowed a wheelbarrow, they left him for the night; and the next morning the people of the village were astonished to see the keeper of the tollbar reposing15, à la Pickwick, "drunk in a wheelbarrow."
John Pillings was perfectly16 furious, and did all he could to find out with the aid of the police who the offenders17 were; but the matter coming to the ears of Sir John Lappington in his capacity as chairman of the bench of magistrates18, he thought it best to give "Ould Sulky" a timely hint that, unless he reformed, he would find himself again on[Pg 243] the world, and also recommended him strongly to give up searching for his abductors.
Perhaps the Master's brother, Harold Lappington, having been the prime mover in the freak, had as much to do with this sage19 counsel as Sir John's magisterial20 capacity; but no matter how that is, suffice it that Pillings dropped the subject like a hot potato, and fell back on his own thoughts for comfort.
He says now: "I'll be even with them scamps some day, or my name ain't Pillings. As soon as ever I finds out—and find 'em I will, police or no police—I'll smash 'em; you see."
Old Tom and the Master he holds in great dread21, and looks up to them with as much veneration22 as his nature is capable of feeling. But for the common herd23, alias24 the field, he has no respect, and often makes himself exceedingly unpleasant to boot. If the hounds happen to run his way, and the macadam brigade come galloping25 down the road, "Ould[Pg 244] Sulky" is out in a jiff, and bang goes the gate, while he stands in front and utters the monosyllabic "Toll."
"Oh, all right, open the gate, the last man will pay," shouts someone.
"You'll only go through one at a time, and you'll each pay, or I'll know the reason why. I've never found that last cove26 'as any money along with him," retaliates27 Pillings; and there he will stand taking each man's money and fumbling28 about for the change, till all the luckless ones are through and the hounds are well out of sight and hearing.
Then "Sulky" will retire to his den29 with a chuckle30 and put away the money, muttering to himself: "Last chap 'ull pay! Likely as I'm going to be took in a that 'uns. Don't fancy they'll see much of t' hounds again anyhow."
Of course if Sir John or Tom happens to be there Pillings is civility itself, and there is no question of first or last, for he knows it would not do, and that if he were to play those sort of pranks31 with the Master his place would not be[Pg 245] worth an hour's purchase. As it is, he is often hard put to it to find an excuse for his behaviour; but he somehow manages to escape by the skin of his teeth, and from constant repetition his performances are looked upon as a regular institution in the county.
It is, however, whispered abroad that another year will see a different face at the gate, for even the most conservative of mortals is apt to tire of John's rudeness, and so they are only waiting a favourable32 opportunity in order to get rid of him altogether.
They have repeatedly tried to have the turnpike removed from the road, and have pointed33 out the inconvenience and annoyance34 of the thing; but hitherto their efforts have been of no avail, so now they have given it up as a bad job, and have banded themselves together to catch out the principal cause of the nuisance. If they are successful, and Pillings is again out of employment, it will be a difficult matter with him to find bread for himself and wife, for it is extremely[Pg 246] doubtful whether anyone in Bullshire would care to have so morose35 and drunken a servant about their premises36.
Perhaps after a month or two in the workhouse, he may turn over a new leaf and so get some berth37; but under existing circumstances, as old Tom told him one day, if he loses his place he will have either to starve or let himself out as a scarecrow at so much a-day. Therefore, for his own sake, it is to be hoped next season he will improve his manners, and so remain in the only position for which he is suited—to wit, the Man at the Toll-bar.
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1
sobriquet
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| n.绰号 | |
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2
lawful
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| adj.法律许可的，守法的，合法的 | |
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3
bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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5
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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6
bout
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| n.侵袭，发作；一次(阵，回)；拳击等比赛 | |
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7
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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8
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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9
pristine
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| adj.原来的，古时的，原始的，纯净的，无垢的 | |
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10
knights
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| 骑士； （中古时代的）武士( knight的名词复数 )； 骑士； 爵士； （国际象棋中）马 | |
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11
judicious
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| adj.明智的，明断的，能作出明智决定的 | |
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12
spouse
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| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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13
evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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adventurous
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| adj.爱冒险的；惊心动魄的，惊险的，刺激的 | |
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15
reposing
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的现在分词 ) | |
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16
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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17
offenders
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| n.冒犯者( offender的名词复数 )；犯规者；罪犯；妨害…的人（或事物） | |
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18
magistrates
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| 地方法官，治安官( magistrate的名词复数 ) | |
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19
sage
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| n.圣人，哲人；adj.贤明的，明智的 | |
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magisterial
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| adj.威风的，有权威的；adv.威严地 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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veneration
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| n.尊敬，崇拜 | |
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herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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25
galloping
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| adj. 飞驰的, 急性的 动词gallop的现在分词形式 | |
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cove
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| n.小海湾，小峡谷 | |
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27
retaliates
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| v.报复，反击( retaliate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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28
fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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29
den
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| n.兽穴；秘密地方；安静的小房间，私室 | |
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30
chuckle
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| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
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31
pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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32
favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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33
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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34
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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35
morose
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| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
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36
premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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37
berth
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| n.卧铺，停泊地，锚位；v.使停泊 | |
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