She went eagerly towards this permanent summer created by wealth, warmed by the imagined voice
of a power that could transform all difficulties, setting them in a beauty that lived by itself.
The little leaves, seen from the doorstep, shone like bright enamel5 in the misty6 twilight7; but their beautiful wild clean-cut shapes, so near, suddenly seemed helpless, unable to escape, forced to drape the walls, life-fevered within, to which their stems were pinned..... But there was a coming in and out...... All people in houses had a coming in and out, those moments of coming, anew out into endless space. And everywhere at moments, in houses, was the sense of the life of the whole world flowing in. Even Jewish houses were porous8 to the life of the world, and to have a house, however strangely shaped one’s life, would be to have a vantage point for breathing in the life of the world...... She stood in a lull9, reprieved10, her endlessly revolving11 problem left behind, the future in abeyance12, perhaps to be shown her by the woman waiting within, set in surroundings that now called to her jubilantly, proclaiming themselves to be the only object of her visit. For a moment she found herself back in her old sense of the marvel13 of existence, gazing at the miraculous14 spectacle of people and things, existing; herself, however, perplexed15 and resourceless, within it, everything sinking into insignificance16 beside the fact of being alive, having lived on to another moment of unexplainable glorious happiness. Light-heartedly she rang the bell. The small movement of her lifted hand was supported, a permitted part of the whole tremendous panorama17; and in that whole she was England, a link in the world-wide being of England and English life.
The bell, grinding out its summons within the house, brought her back within the limits of the occasion, but she could not drive away the desire to go forward without return, claiming welcome and acceptance, in a life permanently18 set in beauty.
The door flew open revealing a tall resentfully handsome butler past whom she went confidently announcing her appointment, into an immense hall, its distances leading in every direction to doors, suggesting a variety of interiors beyond her experience. She was left standing20. Someone who had come up the steps as the door opened, was being swiftly conveyed, a short squat21 polished wealthy old English Jew with curly grey hair and an eager busy plunging22 gait, across the hall to the centremost door. It opened on a murmur23 of voices and the light from within fell upon a table just outside, its surface crowded with gleaming top-hats. Some kind of men’s meeting was in progress. The woman was not in it...... Had she anticipated, before she married, what it would be, however she might fortify24 herself with scorn, to breathe always the atmosphere of the Jewish religious and social oblivion of women? Had she had any experience of Jewesses, their sultry conscious femineity, their dreadful acceptance of being admitted to synagogue on sufferance, crowded away upstairs in a stuffy25 gallery, while the men downstairs, bathed in light, draped in the symbolic26 shawl, thanked God aloud for making them men and not women? Had she thought what it must be to have always at her side a Jewish consciousness, unconscious of her actuality, believing in its own positive existence,
seeing her as human only in her consecration27 to relationships?
The returning butler ushered28 her unannounced through a doorway29 near at hand into a room that spread dimly about her in a twilight deepened by a single core of rosy30 light at the centre of the expanse. Through a high curtain-draped archway she caught a glimpse, as she came forward, of a further vastness, shadowy in undisturbed twilight.
Mrs. Bergstein had risen to meet her, her head obscured in the gloom above the lamplight, so that only her gown met Miriam’s first sally of investigation31; a refined middle-class gown of thin dull black whose elbow sleeves and little vee neck were softened32 at the edge with a ruche of tulle; the party dress of a middle-aged33 spinster schoolmistress. Miriam braced34 herself in vain against its seductions; it called her so powerfully to come forth35 and rejoice. She revelled36 off, licensed37 and permitted, the free deputy of this chained presence, amongst the enchantments38 of the great house; the joy of her escapade leaping bright against the dark certainty that there was no help awaiting her. It was no longer to be feared that an unscrupulous, successful, brightly cajoling woman would persuade her that her problem did not exist; but neither from this woman to whom the fact of life as a thing in itself never had time to appear, could she hope for support in her own belief in the unsoundness of compromise.
Mrs. Bergstein bowed, murmured a greeting and indicated a little settee near the low chair into which she immediately subsided39, her face still in
shadow, the shape of her coiffure so much in keeping with the dress that Miriam could hardly refrain from departing then and there. She sat down, a schoolgirl waiting for judgment40 against which she was armed in advance, and yet helpless through her unenvious, scornful admiration42.
“I was much interested by your letter” said Mrs. Bergstein.
The interview was at an end. There was no opening in the smooth close surface represented by the voice, through which questions could be driven home. She was smitten43 into silence where the sound of the voice echoed and re-echoed, whilst she fumbled44 for a suitable phrase, clinging to the memory of the statement, still somewhere, which she had come, so desperately45, to hear and carry away and set down, a ray of light in the darkness of her revolving thoughts. A numb46 forgetfulness assailed47 her, threatening the disaster of irrelevance48 of speech or behaviour coming from the tides of expression she felt beating below it. She forced a murmured response from her lips, and the tumult49 was stilled to an echo that flung itself to and fro within, answering the echo of the woman’s voice on the air. She had caught hold and contributed. It was now the turn of the other to go on and confirm what she had revealed......
“Music is so beautiful—so elevating.” “That depends upon the music.” Never said. Kept treacherously50 back for the sake of things that might be lost in a clashing of opinions ... the things they never thought of in exercising their benevolence51, and demanding in return acceptance of their views
... the light of a whole world condensed in the bright old town, the sweet chiming sound of it, coming in at the windows, restoring childhood, the expanses of leisure made by their small hard circle, a world of thoughtless ideas, turning a short week-end into a life, lived before, familiar, building out in the nerves a glorious vitality52.....
It was the same voice, the English lady’s voice, bringing all Christendom about her, all the traditions within which, so lately, she had felt herself committed steadfastly53 to tread. But there was something left out of it, a warmth was missing, it had not in it the glow that was in those other women’s voices, of kindliness54 towards the generous things they had secretly, willingly renounced56. It had, instead, something that was like a cold clean blade thrusting into an intelligible57 future, something inexorable, founded not upon fixed58 ideas, but upon ideas, single and cold. This woman would not make concessions59; she would always stand, uncompromisingly, in face of everyone, men and women, for the same things, clear cut, delicate and narrowly determining as her voice.
“You are considering the possibility of embracing the Jewish faith?”
“Well, no,” said Miriam startled into briskness60 by the too quickly developing accumulation of speech. “I heard that you had done so; and wondered, how it was possible, for an Englishwoman.”
“You are a Christian61?”
“I don’t know. I was brought up in the Anglican Church.”
“Much depends upon the standpoint from which one approaches the very definite and simple creed62 of Judaism. I myself was a Unitarian, and therefore able to take the step without making a break with my earlier convictions.”
“I see,” said Miriam coldly. Fate had deceived her, holding in reserve the trick of this simple explanation. She gazed at the seated figure. The glow of her surroundings was quenched63 by the chill of a perpetually active reason.... Science, ethics64, withering65 common-sense playing over everything in life, making a harsh bareness everywhere, seeing nothing alive but the cold processes of the human mind; having Tennyson read at services because poetry was one of the superior things produced by humanity...... She wondered whether this woman, so exactly prepared to meet a Jewish reform movement, had been helplessly born into Unitarianism, or had taken it up as she herself had nearly done.
“Much of course depends upon the synagogue through which one is admitted.” Ah; she had felt the impossibilities. She had compromised and was excusing her compromise.
“Of course I have heard of the reform movement.” .. The silence quivered with the assertion that the reformers were as much cut off from Judaism as Unitarianism from Anglican Christianity. To enter a synagogue that made special arrangements for the recognition of women was to admit that women were dependent on recognition. The silence admitted the dilemma66. Mrs. Bergstein had passed through these thoughts, suffering? Though
she had found a way through, following her cold clear reason, she still suffered?
“I think I should find it impossible to associate with Jewish women.”
“That is a point you must consider very carefully indeed.” The room leapt into glowing reality. They were at one; Englishwomen with a common incommunicable sense. Outcasts...... Far away, within the warm magic circle of English life, sounded the careless easy slipshod voices of Englishmen, she saw their averted67 talking forms, aware in every line, and protective, of something that Englishwomen held in their hands.
“Don’t you find” she began breathlessly, but calm even tones drove across her eagerness: “What is your fiancé’s attitude towards religion?”
“He is not exactly religious and not fully19 in sympathy with the reform movement because he is a Zionist and thinks that the old ritual is the only link between the persecuted68 Jews and those who are better placed; that it would be treachery to break with it as long as any are persecuted........ Nevertheless, he is willing to renounce55 his Judaism.”
The Queen, who is religious, puts love before religion, for woman. Her Protestantism. He for God only, she for God in him and able to change her creed when she marries. A Catholic couldn’t. And she would call Catholics idolators. She is an idolator; of men.
Mrs. Bergstein was amazed at his willingness. Envious41...... I am a Jew, a ‘head’ man incapable69 of ‘love’...... It is your eyes. I
must see them always...... I know now what is meant by love...... I am even willing to renounce my Judaism...... Michael to think and say that. I am crowned, for life; by a sacrifice I cannot accept. He must keep his Judaism...... You must marry me...... The discovery, flowing through the grey noisy street, of the secret of the ‘mastery’ idea; that women can only be sure that a man is sure when——
“There is then no common religious feeling between you?”
She had moved. The light fell upon her. She was about forty. She had come forth, so late, from the secret numbness70 of her successful independent life, and had not found what she came to seek. She was still alone in her circling day. At the period of evening dress she put on a heavy gold bracelet71, ugly, a heavy ugly shape. Her face was pinched and drawn72; before her lay the ordeal73 of belated motherhood. Vulgarly violating her refined endurance had come this incident. Dignified74 condemnation75 spoke76 from her averted eyes. She had said her say and was desiring that there should be no further waste of time.
Miriam made no sound. In the stillness that followed the blow she faced the horrible summary, stricken to her feet, her strength ebbing77 with her thoughts into the gathering78 swirling79 darkness. She waited for a moment. But Mrs. Bergstein made no sign. Imponderable, conscious only of the weight of her body about her holding her to the ground beneath her feet, she went away from the room and the house. In the lamplit darkness her
feet carried her joyously80 forward into the freshness of the tree-filled air. The large square lying between her and the street where he was waiting seemed an immensity. She recovered within it the strange unfailing freedom of solitude81 in the sounding spaces of London and hurried on to be by his side generally expressive82 of her rejoicing. The world’s condemnation was out of sight behind her. But he would ask, and whatever she said, the whole problem would be there afresh, insoluble. He would never see that it had been confirmed, never admit anything contemptible83 in their association...... It was because there was no contempt in him that she was hurrying. But alone again with him, the troubled darkness behind her would return with its maddening influence. She was fleeing from it only towards its darkest centre.
The End
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1
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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blur
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| n.模糊不清的事物；vt.使模糊，使看不清楚 | |
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mesh
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| n.网孔，网丝，陷阱；vt.以网捕捉，啮合，匹配；vi.适合； [计算机]网络 | |
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4
twigs
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| 细枝，嫩枝( twig的名词复数 ) | |
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5
enamel
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| n.珐琅，搪瓷，瓷釉；(牙齿的)珐琅质 | |
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misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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7
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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porous
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| adj.可渗透的，多孔的 | |
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9
lull
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| v.使安静，使入睡，缓和，哄骗；n.暂停，间歇 | |
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reprieved
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| v.缓期执行（死刑）( reprieve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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12
abeyance
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| n.搁置，缓办，中止，产权未定 | |
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13
marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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14
miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的 | |
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15
perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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insignificance
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| n.不重要；无价值；无意义 | |
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17
panorama
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| n.全景，全景画，全景摄影，全景照片[装置] | |
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18
permanently
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| adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地 | |
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19
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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21
squat
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| v.蹲坐，蹲下；n.蹲下；adj.矮胖的，粗矮的 | |
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22
plunging
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| adj.跳进的，突进的v.颠簸( plunge的现在分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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23
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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24
fortify
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| v.强化防御，为…设防；加强，强化 | |
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25
stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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26
symbolic
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| adj.象征性的，符号的，象征主义的 | |
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27
consecration
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| n.供献，奉献，献祭仪式 | |
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28
ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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30
rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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31
investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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32
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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33
middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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34
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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35
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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36
revelled
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| v.作乐( revel的过去式和过去分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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37
licensed
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| adj.得到许可的v.许可，颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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38
enchantments
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| n.魅力( enchantment的名词复数 )；迷人之处；施魔法；着魔 | |
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39
subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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40
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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41
envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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42
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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43
smitten
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| 猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去分词 ) | |
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44
fumbled
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| （笨拙地）摸索或处理（某事物）( fumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 乱摸，笨拙地弄； 使落下 | |
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45
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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46
numb
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| adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木 | |
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47
assailed
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| v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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48
irrelevance
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| n.无关紧要；不相关；不相关的事物 | |
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49
tumult
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| n.喧哗；激动，混乱；吵闹 | |
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50
treacherously
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| 背信弃义地； 背叛地； 靠不住地； 危险地 | |
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51
benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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52
vitality
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| n.活力，生命力，效力 | |
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53
steadfastly
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| adv.踏实地，不变地；岿然；坚定不渝 | |
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54
kindliness
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| n.厚道，亲切，友好的行为 | |
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55
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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56
renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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57
intelligible
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| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
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58
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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59
concessions
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| n.（尤指由政府或雇主给予的）特许权( concession的名词复数 )；承认；减价；（在某地的）特许经营权 | |
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60
briskness
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| n.敏捷，活泼 | |
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61
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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62
creed
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| n.信条；信念，纲领 | |
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63
quenched
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| 解（渴）( quench的过去式和过去分词 )； 终止（某事物）； （用水）扑灭（火焰等）； 将（热物体）放入水中急速冷却 | |
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64
ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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65
withering
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| 使人畏缩的，使人害羞的，使人难堪的 | |
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66
dilemma
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| n.困境，进退两难的局面 | |
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67
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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68
persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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69
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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70
numbness
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| n.无感觉，麻木，惊呆 | |
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71
bracelet
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| n.手镯，臂镯 | |
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72
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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73
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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74
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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75
condemnation
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| n.谴责; 定罪 | |
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76
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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77
ebbing
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| （指潮水）退( ebb的现在分词 )； 落； 减少； 衰落 | |
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78
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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79
swirling
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| v.旋转，打旋( swirl的现在分词 ) | |
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80
joyously
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| ad.快乐地, 高兴地 | |
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81
solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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82
expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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83
contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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