Now his thesis, his working hypothesis, the basis of his conversation, is this. There are always several possible causes which may account for all that happens in the busy little world of London, and in discussing such happenings, he invariably assumes the smudgiest and more scandalous cause. A few instances will make this clear.
Example (1): John Smith is engaged to Eliza Jones.
Possible causes:
(i.) John Smith loves Eliza Jones and Eliza Jones loves John Smith.
(ii.) John Smith is after Eliza Jones’s money.
(iii.) It was high time that John Smith did marry Eliza Jones.
Of these possible causes Horace Campbell leaves cause (i.) out of the question as not worth consideration. Cause (ii.) may account for it, but he invariably prefers cause (iii.).
Or again{73}—
Example (2): Mrs. Snookes went to the opera with Mr. Snookes.
Probable causes:
(i.) Husband and wife went to the opera because they like going to the opera.
(ii.) Mrs. Snookes has an affair with the famous tenor3 Signor Topnotari.
(iii.) Mr. Snookes is paid ￡2:2:0 a night to applaud the soprano Signora Beeinalt.
It is idle to point out which cause Horace Campbell proceeds to discuss.
Example (3): An eminent4 statesman goes into the country for a week-end.
Possible causes:
(i.) The eminent statesman needs rest.
(ii.) ‘Somebody’ goes with him.
Horace Campbell’s law of causation again applies.
Here then is the postulate5 which lies at the root of his conversation, his standpoint towards life. He does not bear ill-will towards those on whose conduct he habitually6 places the worst conceivable motive8, and he has no political or personal objection to the eminent statesman, whom he would be very glad to know: it is merely that a nasty thing perches9 on his mind with greater facility than a nice one, and evokes10 greater sym{74}pathy there. Scandalous innuendoes11 seem to him more amusing than innocent interpretations12, and so too, it appears, do they seem to those at whose tables he makes himself so entertaining. His stories are considered ‘too killing13,’ whereas there is nothing very killing about the notion that Mr. and Mrs. Snookes went to the opera because they liked music. Also he has a perfect command of the French language, and often for the sake of guileless butlers and footmen he tells his little histories in French, which produces an impression of intrigue14 and wit in itself. Love-affairs, the theme round which he revolves15, are no doubt of perennial16 human interest, but he has but little sympathy with a love-affair founded on or culminating in marriage. It must have some taint17 of the illicit18 to be worth his busy embroidering19 needle; the other has a touch of the bourgeois20 about it. Suggestiveness is more to his mind than statement, hints than assertions. To judge by his conversation you would think that he and the world generally swam in fathomless21 oceans of vice22, but as far as conduct goes, he never swam a stroke. At the utmost he took off his shoes and stockings, and paddled at the extreme edge of that unprofitable sea. He just pruriently23 paddles there with his fat white feet....{75}
It has been said that every decent man would like to kick him, but in justice to him it must be added that he is not nearly so unkindly disposed towards anybody. Decent men, like such bourgeois emotions as honest straightforward24 love, only bore him, and he merely yawns in their faces. But though he has no direct malice25, no desire to injure anyone by his petites saletés, he has, it must be confessed, a grudge26 against all those whom he considers collectively as being at the top of the tree. He has enough brains to know that the majority of the class Mr. and Mrs. Not-quite-in-it, who are his intimate circle, have not a quarter of his cleverness, but what he has not brains to see is that the very gifts of belittlement27 and scandal-scattering that make him such a tremendous success with them, are exactly the gifts which prevent his being welcomed in more desirable circles. It would be altogether beyond the mark to hint that he is in any way under a cloud: at the most he is, like the cuttle-fish, enveloped29 in an obscurity of his own making. Though perfectly30 honest himself, he would certainly, if anyone remarked that honesty was the best policy, retort that successful swindling was at least a good second, and it is exactly that habit of mind that causes him to be planté là, as he would say{76} himself, among the Not-quite-in-its. Humour, of which he has plenty, is no doubt the salt of life, but all his humour has gone rancid. It is there all right, but it has gone bad, and gives a healthy digestion31 aches. But flies settle on it, and are none the worse. Though there is no direct malice in him towards those against whom he so incessantly32 uses his little toy tar-squirt, there is a distinct trait of jealousy33, that one vice that is quite barren of pleasure, for of all the commandments there is none except the tenth the breaking of which does not bring to the transgressor34 some momentary35 gratification. That, too, accounts in large measure for the raptures36 he causes at the tables of the Not-quite-in-its, for they, like him, yearn37 to be quite in it, and not being able to manage it, applaud this dainty use of the tar-squirt against those who are. They have plenty of money, plenty of brains, plenty of artistic38 tastes, and they would certainly scream with laughter if they were told that it was just the want of a very bourgeois quality, namely good-nature, that bars the fulfilment of their just desires. Yet such is the case: they are not ‘kind inside.’ They are (ever so slightly) pleased at other people’s checks and set-backs, and herein in the main consists their second-rateness.{77}
Horace Campbell is perhaps the priest of this little nest of asps, and without doubt the priestess is the amazing Mrs. Dealtry, now flaming in the sunset of her witty39 discontented life. She is tall and corpulent, with wonderful vitality40 and quantities of auburn hair and carmine41 lip salve, and mauve scarves, and when she and Horace Campbell get together, as they do two or three times a day, to discuss their friends, those who die, so to speak, and are dismissed by them, are the lucky ones, for the rest they drive with whips through the London streets, without a rag of reputation to cover them. She, like Horace, has plenty of humour, and if the sight of a wrinkled old woman with a painted face, and one high-heeled foot in the grave, dealing42 out horrible innuendoes like a pack of cards, does not make you feel sick, you will enjoy her conversation very much. Years ago she started the theory that Horace was devotedly43 attached to her, and for her sake committed celibacy44, and though she has changed her friends more often than she changes her dress, she still sticks to the gratifying belief that she has wrecked45 his life.
‘Horace might have done anything,’ she is accustomed to say, ‘but he would always waste his time on me. Poor Horace! such a dear, isn’t he,{78} but how much aged2 in this last year or two. And I can’t think why somebody doesn’t tell him to have his teeth attended to.’
Then as Horace entered the room she made a place for him on the sofa.
‘Monster, come here at once,’ she said. ‘Now what is the truth about Lady Genge’s sudden disappearance46? I am told he simply turned her out of the house, which any decent man would have done years ago.’
‘He did,’ said Horace, ‘and she always came in again by the back door. This time he has turned her out of the back door. On dit que “Cherchez le valet.”’
Mrs. Dealtry gave a little scream of laughter.
‘Last time it was the girl’s music master,’ she said. ‘She will never take servants with a character.’
‘Character for what?’ asked Horace. ‘Sobriety?’
‘She was at the opera three nights ago, but blind drunk, though you mustn’t repeat that. I’m told she had her tiara upside down with the points over her forehead. Alice Chignonette, as I call her, was with her, a small horse-hair bun glued with seccotine to the back of her head. She{79} hadn’t got any clothes on, but was slightly distempered.’
‘She always is slightly distempered, except when she holds four aces7 and four queens, and has seen the whole of her opponent’s hand so that she knows whether to finesse47 or not. And is it true that the Weasel has stopped her allowance?’
‘Yes, he gave her a coat of dyed rabbit-skins with a card pour prendre congé, and a second-class ticket to Milwaukee where he first found her on the sidewalkee. What people get into society now! Large bare shoulders, a perpetual cold in the head and the manners of a Yahoo are a sufficient passport. One can’t go anywhere without running into them. Not a soul would speak to her at Milwaukee so she came to London for whitewash48.’
‘And distemper.’
‘She brought that with her. The Weasel carried it in his grip-sack.’
Horace took an enamelled cigarette-case out of his pocket and lit a cigarette that smelt49 of musk50.
‘I saw Lily Broomsgrove to-day,’ he said. ‘She has become slightly broader than she is long.{80}’
‘Her conversation always was. It consists of seven improper51 adjectives and one expletive. That is why she is so popular. She can be easily understood.’
‘She seemed to have an understanding with Pip Rippington. He was enclosed.’
‘He ought to be. Haven’t you heard? That golf club he started, you know. Apparently52 golf was a terminological53 inexactitude. I suppose it will all be common property soon, so I may as well tell you.’
Mrs. Dealtry proceeded to tell them, and all the little asps hissed54 with pleasure....
Now there was very little truth in all that Mrs. Dealtry had been saying, and perhaps none at all in Horace Campbell’s contribution, yet while each of them really knew the other was a liar55, each drank it all in with the utmost avidity. Such malice as there was about them was completely impotent malice: it could not possibly matter to Pip Rippington, for instance, whoever he was, that Mrs. Dealtry and Horace had been inventing stories about him. That he had founded a golf club was perfectly true; that Mrs. Dealtry had not been welcomed as a member of it was true also, though there was a needless suppressio veri about this fact, as everybody present was{81} perfectly aware of it. But it amused them in some rancid manner to vent28 spleen, just as it perhaps amuses asps to bite. Only, and here was one of Time’s revenges, nobody ever cared what either of them said. To throw mud enough is proverbially supposed to ensure the sticking of some of it, but in the case of them and those like them, the proverb was falsified. They had said that sort of thing too often and too emphatically for anyone to attach the smallest importance to it; it was as if their victims had been inoculated56 for the poison of asps, and suffered no subsequent inconvenience from the bite. No one thought of bringing the laws about libel into play over them, any more than people think about invoking57 the protection of those laws against a taxi-driver who compensates58 himself in compliments for the tip he has not received. If they have any sense they get themselves into their houses and leave the vituperative59 driver outside. That is just what decent people did with Horace Campbell. He is outside still, biting the paving-stones.
The pity of it all is the appalling60 waste among asps of brains, inventive faculty61, and humour. If only their gifts were used to some laudable or even only innocent purpose, the world in general would gain a great deal of entertainment, and{82} the asps of the popularity and success that they secretly crave62 for. As it is, some sort of moral ptomaine has infected them, some invasion of microbes that turns their wit into poison. Whatsoever63 things are loathsome64, whatsoever things are of ill report, they think of those things. All their wit, too, goes to waste: nobody cares two straws what they say, and the bitten are pathetically unconscious of having received any injury whatever. That fact, perhaps, if they could thoroughly65 realise it, might draw their fangs66.{
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1
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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eminent
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| adj.显赫的，杰出的，有名的，优良的 | |
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postulate
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| n.假定，基本条件；vt.要求，假定 | |
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6
habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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aces
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| abbr.adjustable convertible-rate equity security (units) 可调节的股本证券兑换率；aircraft ejection seat 飞机弹射座椅；automatic control evaluation simulator 自动控制评估模拟器n.擅长…的人( ace的名词复数 )；精于…的人；（ 网球 ）（对手接不到发球的）发球得分；爱司球 | |
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8
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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9
perches
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| 栖息处( perch的名词复数 )； 栖枝； 高处； 鲈鱼 | |
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10
evokes
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| 产生，引起，唤起( evoke的第三人称单数 ) | |
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innuendoes
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| n.影射的话( innuendo的名词复数 )；讽刺的话；含沙射影；暗讽 | |
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12
interpretations
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| n.解释( interpretation的名词复数 )；表演；演绎；理解 | |
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13
killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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14
intrigue
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| vt.激起兴趣，迷住；vi.耍阴谋；n.阴谋，密谋 | |
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15
revolves
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| v.（使）旋转( revolve的第三人称单数 )；细想 | |
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16
perennial
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| adj.终年的；长久的 | |
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taint
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| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
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illicit
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| adj.非法的，禁止的，不正当的 | |
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embroidering
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| v.（在织物上）绣花( embroider的现在分词 )；刺绣；对…加以渲染（或修饰）；给…添枝加叶 | |
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bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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fathomless
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| a.深不可测的 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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pruriently
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| adv.好色地，挑逗性地 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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25
malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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grudge
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| n.不满，怨恨，妒嫉；vt.勉强给，不情愿做 | |
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belittlement
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| 轻视 | |
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vent
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| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
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enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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30
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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transgressor
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| n.违背者 | |
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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raptures
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| 极度欢喜( rapture的名词复数 ) | |
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yearn
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| v.想念；怀念；渴望 | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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vitality
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| n.活力，生命力，效力 | |
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carmine
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| n.深红色，洋红色 | |
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42
dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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43
devotedly
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| 专心地； 恩爱地； 忠实地； 一心一意地 | |
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celibacy
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| n.独身(主义) | |
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45
wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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46
disappearance
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| n.消失，消散，失踪 | |
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47
finesse
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| n.精密技巧，灵巧，手腕 | |
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48
whitewash
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| v.粉刷，掩饰；n.石灰水，粉刷，掩饰 | |
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49
smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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50
musk
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| n.麝香, 能发出麝香的各种各样的植物，香猫 | |
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51
improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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52
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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53
terminological
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| adj. 用辞的, 术语学的 | |
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54
hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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55
liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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56
inoculated
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| v.给…做预防注射( inoculate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
invoking
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| v.援引( invoke的现在分词 )；行使（权利等）；祈求救助；恳求 | |
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58
compensates
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| 补偿，报酬( compensate的第三人称单数 )； 给（某人）赔偿（或赔款） | |
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59
vituperative
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| adj.谩骂的；斥责的 | |
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60
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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61
faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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62
crave
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| vt.渴望得到，迫切需要，恳求，请求 | |
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63
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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64
loathsome
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| adj.讨厌的，令人厌恶的 | |
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65
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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66
fangs
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| n.（尤指狗和狼的）长而尖的牙( fang的名词复数 )；（蛇的）毒牙；罐座 | |
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