Painters, carpenters, artists are about the house from morning to evening, in order to make everything clean and bright, as if in expectation of an illustrious guest or a great personage.
And they are right, for the guest they expect is no less than love.
The fish, birds, and mammals cease to sing and shed their horns when the breeding season is over, and become lowly and ordinary, even as they were before the marriage. And the companion, who has been enticed11 by the representation now realized, finds no room for odious12 [Pg 127] comparisons or regrets, for she and her mate are already separated and neither thinks of the other.
With man, however, when once the victory is gained, the curtain of the comedy of love falls. But the marriage remains13.
It remains with the defects which return to view, with the vices which spring afresh from the pollard boughs14; and with the little sins, returning from their exile and creeping home, one after the other.
This is one of the most fruitful sources of the deceptions15 of matrimony, and it must be prevented. We ought to discover the real truth, under all the coquetry of the sex, and to know what metal lies beneath the varnish16 and polish. This artificial [Pg 128] beautifying of man and woman who woo is not hypocrisy17, but a natural and irresistible desire of showing our best to the person we love, and hiding from him our worst. But from this innocent desire we mount a flight of many steps, until we come to the blackest hypocrisy, which transmutes18 brass19 into gold, glass into diamond, demon20 into angel.
Exceedingly few see clearly when they have the spectacles of love before their eyes, and love has, not unjustly, been painted from the remotest antiquity21 with his eyes bandaged.
The lover is so blind, or, perhaps one would rather say, is so afflicted22 with altruism23 as to mistake colours, and, under such an hallucination, to see virtues where there are vices, to [Pg 129] find weakness of character agreeable, a lie a jest, and treachery a game.
The most acute spirit of observation, the most profound knowledge of the human heart, do not suffice to protect us from these seductions, which make us see the loved one through a rose-coloured glass.
?
Yet discord24 of character is the gravest peril25, and unfortunately the commonest to marriage, and it may reach such a degree as to oblige husband and wife to separate. Where the law permits divorce, it becomes the terrible situation which, in official and legal language, is called incompatibility26 of temper.
And what does this dreadful word [Pg 130] mean? What monster is this, that can divide what love has joined, that can transform sensual pleasure to torture, honey to gall27, heaven to hell?
When I write my book, I caratteri umani, which I have been meditating28 and working at for so many years, perhaps I may be able to get more light upon this obscure point of individual and national psychology30. But at present I am satisfied to treat the problem on wide lines, and only as far as it contributes to the happiness of marriage. In the mean time let me state the terrible fact, once and for all, that among the many discords31 which are possible between the man and the woman, none exercises a more weighty influence than that which arises from want of union in character.
[Pg 131]
There may be happiness between a rich man and a poor woman; between a poor man and a rich woman; an elderly woman and a young man; an old man and a young woman; between two different intellects and educations; we have rare but well-confirmed examples of harmony between all these contemporaneous discords. But when characters cry out against and strike one another, Lasciate ogni speranza o voi che entrate; then desperation will be the habitual32 state of the dual29 existence.
?
Incompatibility of character does not mean a difference of taste, affections, aspirations33; for differences are [Pg 132] necessary to perfect harmony, and the man and woman (we have repeated it a hundred times) love each other better and better the more the man is a man and the woman a woman—which is as much as to say the more different they are.
In common language incompatibility of character means, for example, to harness an ox and a horse of Arab breed to the same carriage; to put a tortoise and a deer to walk together; to tie a goose and a swallow to the same cord, and condemn34 them to fly together; and if these comparisons fall short of the reality, it is because their enormity does not reach by a very long way the psychical35 discords of men and women.
[Pg 133]
In that monstrous36 pairing of the deer with the tortoise, the horse with the ox, the swallow with the goose, only locomotion37 is treated of; but for the race that a man and a woman must take through life it is a matter not only of velocity38, but of environment and measure; of all that can modify senses, sentiments, and thoughts. To find a comparison which at all suits or pictures truthfully the tortures of two badly matched individuals who must live together, I can only take that of a fish and a bird condemned39 to live together. But this comparison is not even good, for either the fish or the bird would die surely and quickly, but of the man or woman neither dies, but live a death in life, feeling [Pg 134] nothing of life but disgust, pain, and wrong.
Convicts also are paired with a chain without any regard to their sympathies, but they have at least the psychical relationship of crime, and often vice10, which brings them near each other, and also that other common hope of escape that makes them allies and even brethren; but in that other galley40 of a badly assorted41 marriage there is not one chain alone, but a hundred and a thousand, all invisible, with as many nerves connecting two existences condemned to the sad communion of a common torture which is doubled for each by the suffering of the other.
There is the chain of the heart, the chains of taste and sympathy, the [Pg 135] chains of antipathy42, habits, desires, and regrets; and along the length of these chains there run currents of spite, hatred43, rancour, malediction44, vengeance45, and retaliation46.
The slightest movement on one side is communicated to the other by the chains, and makes that other feel his pain, which he returns doubled by its own force and rendered crueller by the desire of revenge. So each wrong has an echo, and the echo is doubled and increased a hundredfold, until the whole life becomes a torment47, as if every nerve had tetanus, and every organ of body and soul was transformed into a tooth suffering spasms48 of pain. When a long-forgotten wound is cicatrised, and a rougher movement than usual re-opens [Pg 136] the wound anew, in that martyred frame there is not a member which does not suffer nor a single feeling that is not pain.
This is the meaning of incompatibility of character, which has been adjudged with reason by legislators as a sufficient cause for divorce, and it is, and ought to be, more so than impotence, bad treatment, or any other cause of separation.
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This want of harmony in sentiment has only too many and too varied49 forms, but at the foundation there is always this skeleton:
That which I like you dislike; that which makes you happy makes me suffer.
[Pg 137]
Woman is an ermine, who allows herself to be killed rather than cross a field of snow soiled by mud.
Man, on the contrary, is like a chimpanzee, who loves dirt and soils himself with it. There is no part of his body or soul which does not love this mud.
How can two such creatures live together?
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He is an optimist50 even to cynicism, an egoist even to adoration51 of himself, and his motto is, Après moi le déluge.
She is a pessimist52 from having placed her ideal so high that no human hand can reach it. She cannot not live an hour without loving and [Pg 138] dedicating a thought, an act, or a sacrifice to the good of some fellow-creature.
How could they ever live together?
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He has never felt the want of the supernatural, and believes neither in God nor in a soul.
She was born a mystic, and the maternal53 education has made her religious and superstitious54. She has a very strong tendency to asceticism55.
How could two such beings be happy together?
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He is frank, expansive even to imprudence, impetuous even to wrath56. He says out straightly what he thinks, swears and curses, only to [Pg 139] forget within an hour the storm which overwhelmed him.
She is close, shut as with seven seals, timid, diffident, and only expresses the tenth part of what she feels, and even regrets that slight expansion. Susceptible57 as a sensitive plant, she starts if she meets a grain of sand, a hair, or a feather which touches her. She finds an offence and want of respect in everything, suspects evil everywhere, and even in good seeks bad intentions with all the zeal58 of an inquisitor.
Will these two live happily together?
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He is a misanthrope59 from indolence and diffidence; he detests60 society and avoids it.
[Pg 140]
She adores cheerful society, garrulous61 and merry talk, theatres, balls, not that she may seek an opportunity for sin in these places, but simply because she adores what is noisy and deafening62.
Join these two together—how can they bless matrimony?
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By instinct and education he is democratic, detests all forms of despotism from the tailor to the government. He is a socialist63, and would be an anarchist64 if he had not a sound heart and did not love his kind passionately65.
She is of a decayed noble family, keeps and adores the family coat of arms; when anyone from [Pg 141] politeness calls her marchioness she reddens with pleasure, and her heart swells66 with pride. She has a profound and sincere respect for authority, and bows reverently67 before priests, soldiers, millionaires, and princes.
Can these two together bless life?
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He is avaricious68, but will not confess to it; he makes a secret of his income to be able to complain constantly of his poverty. Nothing escapes his domestic financial inquisition. Not a halfpenny is given in alms at his door, not a match burnt uselessly. Coffee grounds are never thrown away without first [Pg 142] extracting a second and third edition. The querulous wailings of his laments69 over excessive expenditure70 and taxation71 fill the air around him with a bad odour of mildew72 and closeness.
She is generous, and noble in her hospitalities and charities. She likes enjoyment73 herself, and to make the enjoyment of others, and to hear it responded to by all with “Thank you, thank you!” She cannot understand how one can torment oneself to-day by thinking of the still distant day after to-morrow; even the fascination of an uncertain to-morrow allures74 her. She believes warmly in Providence75 and Fortune, and earnestly defends the thoughtless.
And these are husband and wife!
[Pg 143]
He is always in a state of febrile excitement or of depression. He declares to all that the most unhappy man is he who feels no enthusiasm, and that the most happy man is he who feels everything, and hopes that he himself is such an one.
She instead is always cold, derides76 every form of enthusiasm, because it seems to her a species of madness; detests poetry, all psychical pleasures, and all passions when they pass 10° Centigrade; derides heroism77, sacrifice, and martyrdom, contenting herself by declaring it to be the matter of a novel or a stage play.
And these two—can they live happily together?
[Pg 144]
These few examples, taken from the stage of the real world, will be sufficient to give you an idea of the many discords of character one finds in the union of marriage.
Certainly all are not so flagrant or so keenly accentuated78, but they are more complex and complicated, whilst the discord is rarely upon one note only, but upon many together.
And what can we do to defend ourselves from the peril of incompatibility of temper?
In one way only: by studying and restudying the character of her whom we wish to make our companion for life. After being convinced that she will show herself better than she really is we must make every effort [Pg 145] to surprise her in undress, or, better still, in a state of nudity. Naturally I speak in a figurative sense. I should wish to see her nude79 of all artifices80 of coquetry and hypocrisy. Begin to examine the moral surroundings in which she lives, and before studying her study the future father- and mother-in-law. She is only a branch of that plant upon which you wish to graft81 your life, and a great part of the children’s character is that of their parents.
It is exceedingly rare for a loose, libertine82 mother to have a chaste83 daughter, and a lily of innocence84 is hardly ever born into a family of impostors. We have spendthrift sons of a miserly father, and vice versa; bigoted85 children of atheistic86 parents, [Pg 146] and disbelievers sons of bigots; but as regards moral habits there is very rarely the heredity of antagonism87.
Examine especially the moral surroundings in which the young girl was born and has grown up; her habits, the books she reads, the amusements she prefers. Gain information as to the character of her friends, for in them as in a glass you will often see the soul of the woman you wish to make yours.
I know an angelic woman with many friends who vie with each other in loving her, and are jealous one of the other for her affection. These friends are all unusual women, of refined tastes, delicate feelings, and generous hearts. They all chaunt her virtues in chorus, and, without knowing, [Pg 147] I judged her from her friends to be an angel, and I was not mistaken.
After having made your psychological research as regards her parents and friends do not disdain88 to descend89 to a more humble90 sphere. Question her maid, cook, coachman, dressmaker, and the labourers on her estate: all those who for one reason or another serve and obey her.
No one knows us better than those who serve us, for whom we make no pretence91 to hypocrisy or ostentation92 of false virtues, and if a lady’s maid does not know how to make a psychological analysis of the young lady she can show us the most intimate secrets of her character. Noble, generous, and good [Pg 148] natures never ill treat their servants; or they feel all that compassion93 for them which their position merits, and apply toward them the daily and domestic virtues of a tender and affectionate benevolence94. Always doubt the character of those who are changing their servants frequently. They are nearly always ill disposed, and being unable to vent8 their evil instincts in higher circles, begin to torment their slaves at home.
They pour forth95 on the lady’s maid, dressmaker, or hairdresser all the disappointed vanity, hidden jealousy96, bad temper, and anger of their petty social struggles.
Then if they feel the need of being despotic they satisfy it by [Pg 149] using their power over those poor victims paid at so much a month, and condemned to live on the moral excrements of their masters. I know ladies of the highest financial and hereditary97 aristocracy who are not ashamed to beat their maids brutally98 and cruelly. If you succeed in learning this do not overlook it, do not pardon it, but fly the contact of one who will exercise her own evil-mindedness and despotism upon you, and later on, upon your children.
?
I prophesy99 that when you have finished your examination on heredity and friendship, and that closer inquiry100 into your dear one’s home affairs, you will find the sister soul to [Pg 150] your own—she with whom you will sing the hymn101 of perfect happiness all your life, the only perfect happiness, that of a union of two. But this is the rarest good fortune. In most cases you will find neither absolute discord nor ideal harmony, but a partial accord, which with labor102 and good will you will be able to convert gradually into perfect harmony.
If your love is great and deep, if it pours out from the viscera of your whole organism, if she loves you well and enough, rest assured that the rocks will fall to pieces, the mountains be levelled, and the thorns be removed, for love is the most skilled magician, and knows even how to convert gall into honey. Woman is [Pg 151] cleverer than all the rest of the world in this thaumaturgic work, and you must really be the most stupid egotist, the most antipathetic creature in the whole universe, if your companion cannot succeed in making you agree with her after a few months. And yet, take care. This harmony ought not to be that of a victim resigned or a slave subjected; that would be an artificial agreement which lasts a short time only, and thrives but ill. It must be a slow and clever adaptation of the sharpness of the one to the roundness of the other. It must be an intelligent and tender acclimation103 to surroundings, tastes, and habits, so that the rebellious104 sprig may be bent105 without pain or breaking, so that the vine leaves may seem pleased at their connection [Pg 152] with the pollard [4] which supports them, and the bright and ruddy bunches of grapes seem to smile with joy on foliage106 and pollard alike. Happiness, too, is a tree which requires a wise and loving cultivation107. We men are the pollards; the vine is our companion who leans upon us, bound there by the withes of love and of reciprocal indulgence. Above all things marry a good woman, one, too, who loves you—not for the title you bear, not for the gold which fills your chests, but because she admires and esteems108 you, and is proud to bear your name.
[4] It is customary in Tuscany to plant pollards in the vineyards for the purpose of supporting the vines, and these are bound to the pollards with willow109 twigs110.—Tr.
And then you may be sure that the [Pg 153] little discords of character will be surmounted111, and in the indulgence with which your companion so patiently bears with your defects you will find every day and every hour a proof of that love which will only cease with your last breath.
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1
fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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warfare
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| n.战争(状态)；斗争；冲突 | |
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voluptuousness
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| n.风骚，体态丰满 | |
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irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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adorn
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| vt.使美化，装饰 | |
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rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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vent
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| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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enticed
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| 诱惑，怂恿( entice的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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boughs
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| 大树枝( bough的名词复数 ) | |
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deceptions
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| 欺骗( deception的名词复数 )； 骗术，诡计 | |
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varnish
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| n.清漆；v.上清漆；粉饰 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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transmutes
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| v.使变形，使变质，把…变成…( transmute的第三人称单数 ) | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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altruism
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| n.利他主义，不自私 | |
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discord
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| n.不和，意见不合，争论，（音乐）不和谐 | |
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peril
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| n.(严重的)危险；危险的事物 | |
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incompatibility
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| n.不兼容 | |
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gall
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| v.使烦恼，使焦躁，难堪；n.磨难 | |
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meditating
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| a.沉思的，冥想的 | |
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dual
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| adj.双的；二重的，二元的 | |
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psychology
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| n.心理，心理学，心理状态 | |
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discords
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| 不和（discord的复数形式） | |
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habitual
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| adj.习惯性的；通常的，惯常的 | |
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aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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psychical
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| adj.有关特异功能现象的；有关特异功能官能的；灵魂的；心灵的 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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locomotion
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| n.运动，移动 | |
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velocity
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| n.速度，速率 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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galley
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| n.（飞机或船上的）厨房单层甲板大帆船；军舰舰长用的大划艇； | |
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assorted
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| adj.各种各样的，各色俱备的 | |
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antipathy
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| n.憎恶；反感，引起反感的人或事物 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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malediction
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| n.诅咒 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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retaliation
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| n.报复，反击 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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spasms
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| n.痉挛( spasm的名词复数 )；抽搐；（能量、行为等的）突发；发作 | |
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varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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optimist
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| n.乐观的人，乐观主义者 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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pessimist
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| n.悲观者；悲观主义者；厌世 | |
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maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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superstitious
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| adj.迷信的 | |
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asceticism
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| n.禁欲主义 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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susceptible
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| adj.过敏的，敏感的；易动感情的，易受感动的 | |
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zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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misanthrope
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| n.恨人类的人；厌世者 | |
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detests
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| v.憎恶，嫌恶，痛恨( detest的第三人称单数 ) | |
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garrulous
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| adj.唠叨的，多话的 | |
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deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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socialist
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| n.社会主义者；adj.社会主义的 | |
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anarchist
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| n.无政府主义者 | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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66
swells
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| 增强( swell的第三人称单数 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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avaricious
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| adj.贪婪的，贪心的 | |
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laments
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| n.悲恸，哀歌，挽歌( lament的名词复数 )v.（为…）哀悼，痛哭，悲伤( lament的第三人称单数 ) | |
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70
expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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taxation
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| n.征税，税收，税金 | |
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mildew
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| n.发霉；v.（使）发霉 | |
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73
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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allures
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| 诱引，吸引( allure的第三人称单数 ) | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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derides
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| v.取笑，嘲笑( deride的第三人称单数 ) | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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accentuated
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| v.重读( accentuate的过去式和过去分词 )；使突出；使恶化；加重音符号于 | |
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nude
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| adj.裸体的；n.裸体者，裸体艺术品 | |
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80
artifices
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| n.灵巧( artifice的名词复数 )；诡计；巧妙办法；虚伪行为 | |
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81
graft
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| n.移植，嫁接，艰苦工作，贪污；v.移植，嫁接 | |
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82
libertine
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| n.淫荡者；adj.放荡的，自由思想的 | |
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chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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bigoted
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| adj.固执己见的，心胸狭窄的 | |
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atheistic
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| adj.无神论者的 | |
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antagonism
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| n.对抗，敌对，对立 | |
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disdain
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| n.鄙视，轻视；v.轻视，鄙视，不屑 | |
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descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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ostentation
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| n.夸耀，卖弄 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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hereditary
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| adj.遗传的，遗传性的，可继承的，世袭的 | |
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brutally
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| adv.残忍地，野蛮地，冷酷无情地 | |
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99
prophesy
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| v.预言；预示 | |
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100
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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101
hymn
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| n.赞美诗，圣歌，颂歌 | |
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102
labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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103
acclimation
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| n.服水土，顺应，适应环境；服习；驯化 | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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105
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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106
foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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107
cultivation
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| n.耕作，培养，栽培（法），养成 | |
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108
esteems
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| n.尊敬，好评( esteem的名词复数 )v.尊敬( esteem的第三人称单数 )；敬重；认为；以为 | |
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109
willow
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| n.柳树 | |
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110
twigs
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| 细枝，嫩枝( twig的名词复数 ) | |
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111
surmounted
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| 战胜( surmount的过去式和过去分词 )； 克服（困难）； 居于…之上； 在…顶上 | |
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