It is doubtful if I ever knew what calling her father followed, and I have forgotten his name. But Mary Jane I well remember, and the view from those back windows. She was older than I, and was a very wise little woman, without my outbursts of high spirits and inexplicable1 reveries. She had oiled black curls, the pinkest of cheeks, and black eyes with a direct and resolute2 look in them, and she read stories that did not amuse or interest me greatly, because they were chiefly concerned with good everyday boys and girls. She tried to still a belief in fairies by transforming them into angels, but she made splendid daisy chains, and she could balance herself like a bird upon the branches that overhung the pond.
Here she would swing up and down in fascinating peril3, her black curls now threatening confusion with the upper branches, her feet then skimming the surface of the water. It was a horrible joy to watch her and calculate the moment when the water would close over branch and boots and curls.
My first attempt to imitate her resulted in my own immersion5, and a crowd to the rescue from the nearest public-house. After the shock and the pleasant discovery that I was not drowned, and was really nothing the worse for my bath, I think I enjoyed the sensation of being temporarily regarded in the light of a public personage. But Mary Jane howled in a rustic6 abandonment to grief. She told me afterwards she expected to be taken to prison, and believed the Queen would sentence her to be hanged. It took longer to comfort her than to doctor me.
It was some time after that before I again attempted to swing upon the branches over the pond, but contented7 myself with feeding the swans from the bank upon a flat nauseous cake indigenous8 to the spot, I believe, which a shrivelled old woman used to sell us at a stall hard by. There were flower-beds and a rural chalet near the pond, which now leads me to conclude[Pg 9] that the green was a single-holiday resort, for I remember a good deal of cake-crumbs, orange-peels, and empty ginger-beer bottles about the place.
The old woman was very popular with us. Even when we had no pennies to spend, she would condescend9 to chat with us as long as we cared to linger about her stall of delights, and she sometimes wound up the conversation by the gift of our favourite luxury, a crab-apple.
I fear there was not one of us that would not cheerfully have signed away our future both here and hereafter for an entire trayful of crab-apples. Each tray held twelve, placed two and two, like school-ranks; and I know not which were the more bewitching to the eye, the little trays or the demure10 double rows of little apples. The child rich enough to hold out a pinafore for Bessy to wreck11 this harmony of tray and line by pouring twelve heavenly balls into it, asked nothing more from life in the way of pleasure.
The pride of Mary Jane's household was an album containing views of New York, whither Mary Jane's eldest12 brother had gone. New York, his mother told us, was in America. The difficulty for my understanding was to explain how any place so big as New York could find[Pg 10] another place big enough to stand in. Why was New York in America and not America in New York?
Neither Mary Jane nor her mother could make anything of my question. They said you went across the sea in a ship to New York, and when they added that the sea was all water, I immediately thought that they must mean the pond, and that if I once got to the other side of it I should probably find America and New York.
Until then I had believed the other side of the pond to be heaven, because the sky seemed to touch the tops of the trees. But it was nicer to think of it as America, because there was a greater certainty of being able to get back from America than from heaven,—above all, when I was so unexpectedly made acquainted with the extremely disagreeable method by which little children are transported thither13.
I do not know where nurse can have taken Mary Jane and me once. I have for years cherished the idea that it was to Cork14, which was a long way off; but I am assured since that she never took me anywhere in a train, and that certainly I never was in Cork.
This is a mystery to me, for the most vivid recollection of those early years is a train [Pg 11]journey with nurse and Mary Jane. I remember the train steaming slowly into a station: the hurry, the bustle15, the different tone of voices round me, and Mary Jane's knowing exclamation16, "Angela, this is Cork, one of the biggest towns of Ireland—as fine, they say, as Dublin."
Now, if I were never in Cork, never travelled with nurse and Mary Jane, will any one explain to me how I came to remember those words so distinctly? Odder still, I am absolutely convinced that nurse took my hand in an excited grasp, and led me, bewildered and enchanted17, through interminable streets full of such a diversity of objects and interests as dazed my imagination like a blow. Not that I was unacquainted with city aspects; but this was all so different, so novel, so much more brilliant than the familiar capital!
I remember the vivid shock of military scarlet18 in a luminous19 atmosphere, and smiling foreign faces, and several ladies stopped to look at me and cry, "Oh, the little angel!" I was quite the ideal wax doll, pretty, delicate, and abnormally fair. I believe Mary Jane worshipped me because of the whiteness of my skin and for my golden hair.
Memories of this journey I never made and[Pg 12] of this town I never visited do not end here. After eternal wanderings through quite the liveliest streets I have ever known, without remembrance of stopping, of entrance or greetings, I find myself in an unfamiliar20 room with nurse, Mary Jane, a strange lady, and my mother. My mother was dressed in pale green poplin, and looked miraculously21 beautiful. I know the dress was poplin, because nurse said so when I touched the long train and wondered at its stiffness.
She looked at me coldly, and said to nurse—
"That child has had sunstroke. I never saw her so red. You must wash her in new milk."
Whereupon she rang a bell, and cried out to somebody I did not see to fetch a basin of milk and a towel. I shuddered23 at the thought that perhaps my mother would wash my face instead of nurse, for I dreaded24 nothing so much as contact with that long white hand of sculptural shape.
Among the mysteries of my life nothing seems so strange to me as the depth of this physical antipathy25 to my mother. The general reader to whom motherhood is so sacred will not like to read of it. But to suppress the most passionate26 instinct of my nature, would be to suppress the[Pg 13] greater part of my mental and physical sufferings. As a baby I went into convulsions, I am told, if placed in my mother's arms. As a child, a girl, nothing has been so dreadful to me as the most momentary27 endurance of her touch.
Once when I was threatened with congestion28 of the brain from over-study, I used to lie in frenzied29 apprehension30 of the feel of her hand on my brow, and she was hardly visible in the doorway31 before a nervous shudder22 shook my frame, and voice was left me to mutter, "Don't touch me! oh, don't touch me!" Her glance was quite as repulsive32 to me, and I remember how I used to feel as if some one were walking over my grave the instant those unsmiling blue eyes fell upon me. An instinct stronger than will, even in advanced girlhood, inevitably33 compelled me to change my seat to get without their range.
I recall this feeling, to-day quite dead, as part of my childhood's sufferings, and I wonder that the woman who inspired it should in middle life appear to me a woman of large and liberal and generous character, whose foibles and whose rough temper in perspective have acquired rather a humorous than an antipathetic aspect.[Pg 14] But children, but girls, are not humorists, and they take life and their elders with a lamentable34 gravity.
On this occasion it was my mother who washed my face in new milk. The fragrance35 and coolness of the milk were delicious, if only a rougher and coarser hand had rubbed my cheeks.
While still submitting to the process, I stared eagerly round the room. There was a grand piano in black polished wood, the sofa was blue velvet36 and black wood, and the carpet a very deep blue. The air smelt37 of gillyflowers, and there were big bunches in several vases. Yet my mother assures me she never met me at Cork or elsewhere, never washed my face in new milk, is unacquainted with that black piano, the blue velvet sofa, and the gillyflowers.
She admits she did possess a pale green robe of poplin with an enormous train, bought for a public banquet given to distinguished38 Americans, but doubts if I ever saw it. Nurse, whom I questioned years after, laughed at the idea as at a nightmare.
Still that journey to Cork, Mary Jane's words and my mother's, the bowl of new milk, the green poplin dress, the blue-and-black sofa, the[Pg 15] grand piano, and the gillyflowers, remain the strongest haunting vision of those years.
The first sampler I ever saw was worked by Mary Jane. I associate the alphabet in red and green wool with shining blue-black curls behind a bright-green tracery of foliage39 upon a blue sky.
Mary Jane used to sit upon a high bank, and work assiduously at her sampler. I thought her achievement very wonderful, but I own I never could see anything in coloured wools and a needle to tempt4 an imaginative child. So much sitting still was dull, and the slow growth of letters or sheep or flowers exasperating40 to young nerves on edge. My affection for Mary Jane, however, was so strong, that I gallantly41 endeavoured to learn from her, but it was in the butterfly season, and there was my friend Johnny Burke racing42 past after a splendid white butterfly.
What was the letter "B" in alternate stitches of red and green in comparison with the capture of that butterfly?
So the child, the poet tells us, is always mother of the woman, and not even the sane43 and sobering influence of the years has taught me that serious matters are of greater consequence than the catching44 of some beautiful [Pg 16]butterfly. As I bartered45 childhood to agreeable impulses, so have I bartered youth and middle age, and if I now am a bankrupt in the face of diminishing impulses, who is to blame, after all, but perverse46 and precarious47 nature?
What became of Mary Jane I have never known. Upon my memory she is eternally impaled48: a child of indefinite years from eight to eleven, with oily ringlets and clear black eyes, pink-cheeked, smiling, over-staid for her age (except in the matter of swinging recklessly over the pond), working samplers, telling a group of unlettered babies exceedingly moral tales, devoted49 to me and to a snub-nosed doll I abhorred50; with inexhaustible gifts, including a complete knowledge of the views of New York, an enthusiasm for that mysterious being Mary Stuart, and an acquaintance with national grievances51 vaguely52 embodied53 in a terror of Queen Victoria's power over her Irish subjects.
She must have grown into a woman of principle and strong views.
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1
inexplicable
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| adj.无法解释的，难理解的 | |
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resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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peril
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| n.(严重的)危险；危险的事物 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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immersion
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| n.沉浸；专心 | |
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rustic
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| adj.乡村的，有乡村特色的；n.乡下人，乡巴佬 | |
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7
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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8
indigenous
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| adj.土产的，土生土长的，本地的 | |
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9
condescend
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| v.俯就，屈尊；堕落，丢丑 | |
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demure
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| adj.严肃的；端庄的 | |
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11
wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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12
eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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cork
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| n.软木，软木塞 | |
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bustle
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| v.喧扰地忙乱，匆忙，奔忙；n.忙碌；喧闹 | |
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16
exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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17
enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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18
scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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20
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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miraculously
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| ad.奇迹般地 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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23
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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24
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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25
antipathy
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| n.憎恶；反感，引起反感的人或事物 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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27
momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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congestion
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| n.阻塞，消化不良 | |
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frenzied
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| a.激怒的；疯狂的 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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32
repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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33
inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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34
lamentable
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| adj.令人惋惜的，悔恨的 | |
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35
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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36
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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38
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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39
foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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40
exasperating
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| adj. 激怒的 动词exasperate的现在分词形式 | |
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41
gallantly
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| adv. 漂亮地，勇敢地，献殷勤地 | |
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42
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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44
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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45
bartered
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| v.作物物交换，以货换货( barter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
perverse
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| adj.刚愎的；坚持错误的，行为反常的 | |
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47
precarious
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| adj.不安定的，靠不住的；根据不足的 | |
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48
impaled
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| 钉在尖桩上( impale的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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50
abhorred
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| v.憎恶( abhor的过去式和过去分词 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
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51
grievances
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| n.委屈( grievance的名词复数 )；苦衷；不满；牢骚 | |
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52
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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53
embodied
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| v.表现( embody的过去式和过去分词 )；象征；包括；包含 | |
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