I know I lay long in bed,—that my wounds, deep red open stripes, were dressed into scars by lint15 and sweet oil and herbs. The doctor, a cheery fellow with a Scottish name, came and sat by my bedside, and gave me almond-drops, and begged me repeatedly "to look up." The pavement outside was rough, the little city street was narrow, and the flies rumbling16 past from the station to the Craven Arms shook my bed. The noise was novel, and excited me. I thought of my imaginary friend of the Ivies18, the white lady, and wondered if any one had ever thrashed her. The cook, Sister Joseph, from time to time stole up-stairs and offered me, by way of consolation19, maybe a bribe20, a Shrewsbury biscuit, a jam-tart, a piece of seed-cake.
Once the pain of my lacerated back subsided21 I was not at all bored. It was good to lie in a fresh white bed and listen dreamily to the discreet22 murmurs23 of a provincial24 town in the quiet convent-house, have nothing to do, no scrapes to get into, hear no scolding voices, and have plenty of nice things to eat, after the long famine of nine interminable months.
I do not remember when it was she first came to me. She was a slim, oldish nun, with a white delicate visage and eyes full of a wistful sadness, neither blue nor grey. Her voice was very low, and gave me the same intense pleasure with which the soft touch of her thin small hands thrilled me. She was called Mother Aloysius, and painted pictures for the chapel25 and for the convent. Did she know what had happened, and had she taken the community's debt to me upon her lean shoulders? Or was I merely for her a sick and naughty little girl, to whom she was drawn26 by sympathy?
She never spoke27 of my whipping, nor did I. Perhaps with the unconscious delicacy28 of sensitive childhood I divined that it would pain her. More probably still, I was only too glad to be enfolded in the mild warmth of her unquestioning tenderness. Wickedness dropped from me as a wearisome garment, and, divested29 of its weight, I trotted30 after her heels like a little lapdog. She took me with her everywhere; into the big garden where she tended the flowers, and where she allowed me to water and dig myself out of breath, fondly persuaded that the fate of the flowers next year depended upon my exertions31; to her work-room, where in awed32 [Pg 146]admiration33 I watched her paint, and held her brushes and colours for her; to the chapel where she changed the flowers, and where I gathered the stalks into little hills and swept them into my pinafore. And all the time I talked, ceaselessly, volubly,—not of past sufferings, nor of present pain, but of the things that surprised and perplexed34 me, of the countless35 things I wanted to do, of the tales of Tyburn and the white lady.
When I was well enough to go back to daily woe36 and insufficient37 food, I was dressed in hat and jacket and strong boots, and while I stood in the hall the awful superioress issued from the community-room and looked at me coldly.
"You have had your lesson, Angela. You will be a good child in future, I hope," she said, and touched my shoulder with a lifeless gesture.
The mischievous38 impulse of saucy39 speech and wicked glance died when I encountered the gentle prayer of my new friend's faded eyes. I was only a baby, but I understood as well as if I had been a hundred what those kind and troubled eyes said, glancing at me behind the woman she must have known I hated. "Be good, dear child; be silent, be respectful. Forgive, forget, for my sake." I swallowed the angry words I longed to utter on the top of a sob40, and went and held up my cheek to Mother Aloysius.
"You're a brave little girl, Angela," she said, softly. "You'll see, if you are good, that reverend mother will let you come down and spend a nice long day with me soon again; and I'll take you to water the flowers and fill the vases in the chapel, and watch me paint up-stairs. Good-bye."
She kissed me on both cheeks, not in the fleshless kiss of the nun, but with dear human warmth of lips, and her fingers lingered tenderly about my head. Did she suspect the sacrifice I had made to her kindness?—the fierce and wrathful words I had projected to hurl42 at the head of the superioress, and that I had kept back to please her?
At the Ivies I maintained a steadfast43 silence upon what had happened. I cannot now trace the obscure reasons of my silence, which must have pleased the nuns, for nobody ever knew about my severe whipping. Thanks to the beneficent influences of my new friend, I was for a while a model of all the virtues44. I studied hard, absorbed pages of useful knowledge in the "Child's Guide," and mastered the abstruse45 contents of Cardinal46 Wiseman's "History of England." At the end of a month, to the amazement47 of everybody and to my own dismay, I was rewarded with a medal of good conduct, and formally enrolled48 in that virtuous49 body, the Children of the Angels, and wore a medal attached to a brilliant green ribbon.
This transient period of grace, felt no doubt by all around me to be precarious50 and unstable51, was deemed the fitting moment for my first confession52. What a baby of eight can have to confess I know not. The value of such an institution for the infantine conscience escapes me. But there can be no question of its enormous sensational53 interest for us all. Two new children had made their appearance since my tempestuous54 arrival. They belonged to the band, as well as an idiot girl two years older than I, and now deemed wise enough to crave17 pardon for sins she could not possibly commit. We carefully studied the "Examination of Conscience," and spelt out the particularly big words with a thrill: they looked nice mysterious sins, the sort of crimes we felt we would gladly commit if we had the chance.
I went about sombre and dejected, under the conviction that I must have sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost, and Polly Evans wondered if adultery figured upon the list of her misdoings. She was sure, however, that she had not defrauded55 the labourer of his daily wage, whatever that might be, for the simple reason that she had never met a labourer. I was tortured with a fresh sensational doubt. My foster-mother's cousin at Kildare was a very nice labourer who often had given me sweets. Could I, in a moment of temporary aberration56, have defrauded him of his wage? And then adultery! If Polly was sure she had committed adultery, might I not also have so deeply offended against heaven? I had not precisely57 killed anybody, but had I not desired to kill Sister Esmeralda the day I threw the stool at her?
And so we travelled conscientiously58, like humble59, but, in the very secret depths of our being, self-admiring pilgrims, over the weary and profitless road of self-examination, and assured ourselves with a fervent60 thrill that we were indeed miserable61 sinners. "I'll never get into a passion again," I swore to Polly Evans, like a monstrous62 little Puritan, and before an hour had passed was thirsting for the blood of some offender63.
I even went so far as to include Sister [Pg 150]Esmeralda and Frank in my offer of general amnesty to humanity; and indited64 at some nun's suggestion a queer epistle to my mother, something in the tone the prodigal65 son from afar might have used writing to his father when he first decided66 to abandon the husks and swine, etc. I boldly announced my intention of forsaking67 the path of wickedness, with a humble confession of hitherto having achieved supremacy68 in that nefarious69 kingdom, and of walking henceforth with the saints.
I added a practical postscript71, that I was always very hungry, and stated with charming candour that I did not like any of the nuns except Mother Aloysius, which was rather a modification72 of the exuberant73 burst of virtue expressed on the first page. This postscript was judiciously74 altered past recognition, and I was ordered to copy it out: "I am very happy at Lysterby. All the dear nuns are so kind to me. We shall have a little feast soon. Please, dear mamma, send me some money."
If the money ever came, it was naturally confiscated75 by the dear nuns. It was not money we mites76 needed, but bread-and-butter and a cup of good milk, or a plate of simple sustaining porridge. However, for the moment the excitement of confession sustained us. Having communicated to each other the solemn impression that we had broken all the Commandments, committed the seven deadly sins, and made mockery of the four cardinal virtues, the next thing to decide was to what length of repentance77 we were bound to go. Polly Evans' enthusiasm was so exalted78 that she yearned79 to follow the example of the German emperor we had read of who walked, or crawled on his knees, I forget which, to Rome, and made a public confession to the Pope. But this we felt to be an immodest flight of fancy in a little girl who had done nothing worth speaking of. She was like my Kildare companion Mary Jane, who constantly saw herself in a personal scuffle with Queen Victoria.
When the great day came we were bidden to stay in the chapel after the rest, and then were taken down to the town convent, with instructions to keep our minds fixed80 upon the awful sacrament of confession as we walked two and two through the streets.
"Remember, children," said that infamous81 Sister Esmeralda, prettier than ever, as she fixed me with a deadly glance, "to tell a lie in the confessional box is to tell a lie to the Holy Ghost. You may be struck dead for it."
Did she mean that for me? Oh, why had I so rashly vowed82 myself to a life of virtue? Why had I so precipitously chosen the companionship and example of the saints? Why had I read the lives of St. Louis of Gonzaga, St. Stanislaus of Kotska, and other lamb-like creatures, and in a fit of admiration sworn to resemble them?—since all these good resolutions debarred me from flinging another stool at that lovely hostile visage. But having elected momentarily to play the part of a shocking little prig, I swallowed my wrath41, with a compunctious sensation, and felt a glow all over to think I was already so much of a saint.
In the convent chapel, with our throbbing83 hearts in our mouths, we knelt, a diminutive84 row, in our Sunday uniform (I have worn so many convent uniforms that I am rather mixed about them, and cannot remember which was blue on Sunday and which was black, but the Lysterby Sunday uniform I know was black). Polly Evans was the first to disappear, swallowed up in the awful box. She issued forth70, tremulous and wide-eyed, and I followed her, pallid85 and quaking. The square grating was closed, and the green curtain enfolded me in a terrific dusk. I felt sick and cold with fright. What was going to happen? Could something spring suddenly out and clutch me? Was the devil behind me? Had my guardian86 angel forsaken87 me? I had read a great deal of late about "a yawning abyss," "a black pit," a "bottomless hole." Was I going to tell a lie to the Holy Ghost unknowing, and so be struck dead like, like——?
The square slid swiftly back, and I saw a dim man's profile through the grating. Had I seen Father Morris clear before me, my fears would instantly have been quelled88, for he was a graceful89, aristocratic, soft-voiced man, quick to captivate little children by his winning smile. But that dim formless thing behind the grating, what was it? They told me the priest in the confessional was God. The statement was not such that any childish imagination could grasp. The sickness of terror overcame me, and I, whom the rough sea of the Irish Channel had not harmed, fell down in a dreadful fit of nausea90 that left me prostrate91 for days.
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1
nun
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| n.修女，尼姑 | |
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nuns
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| n.（通常指基督教的）修女， （佛教的）尼姑( nun的名词复数 ) | |
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bigoted
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| adj.固执己见的，心胸狭窄的 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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devour
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| v.吞没；贪婪地注视或谛听，贪读；使着迷 | |
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proscribed
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| v.正式宣布（某事物）有危险或被禁止( proscribe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hue
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| n.色度；色调；样子 | |
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virile
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| adj.男性的；有男性生殖力的；有男子气概的；强有力的 | |
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precepts
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| n.规诫，戒律，箴言( precept的名词复数 ) | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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reprobate
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| n.无赖汉；堕落的人 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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lint
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| n.线头；绷带用麻布，皮棉 | |
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rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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crave
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| vt.渴望得到，迫切需要，恳求，请求 | |
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ivies
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| 常春藤( ivy的名词复数 ) | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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bribe
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| n.贿赂；v.向…行贿，买通 | |
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subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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murmurs
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| n.低沉、连续而不清的声音( murmur的名词复数 )；低语声；怨言；嘀咕 | |
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provincial
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| adj.省的，地方的；n．外省人，乡下人 | |
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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divested
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| v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 )；脱去（衣服）；2。从…取去…；1。（给某人）脱衣服 | |
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trotted
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| 小跑，急走( trot的过去分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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exertions
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| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
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awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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insufficient
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| adj.(for，of)不足的，不够的 | |
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mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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saucy
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| adj.无礼的；俊俏的；活泼的 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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42
hurl
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| vt.猛投，力掷，声叫骂 | |
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43
steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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44
virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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abstruse
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| adj.深奥的，难解的 | |
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cardinal
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| n.(天主教的)红衣主教；adj.首要的，基本的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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enrolled
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| adj.入学登记了的v.[亦作enrol]( enroll的过去式和过去分词 )；登记，招收，使入伍（或入会、入学等），参加，成为成员；记入名册；卷起，包起 | |
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49
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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50
precarious
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| adj.不安定的，靠不住的；根据不足的 | |
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unstable
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| adj.不稳定的，易变的 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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53
sensational
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| adj.使人感动的，非常好的，轰动的，耸人听闻的 | |
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tempestuous
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| adj.狂暴的 | |
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defrauded
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| v.诈取，骗取( defraud的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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aberration
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| n.离开正路，脱离常规，色差 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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offender
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| n.冒犯者，违反者，犯罪者 | |
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indited
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| v.写（文章，信等）创作，赋诗，创作( indite的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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prodigal
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| adj.浪费的，挥霍的，放荡的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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forsaking
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| 放弃( forsake的现在分词 )； 弃绝； 抛弃； 摒弃 | |
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supremacy
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| n.至上；至高权力 | |
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nefarious
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| adj.恶毒的，极坏的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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postscript
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| n.附言，又及；(正文后的)补充说明 | |
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modification
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| n.修改，改进，缓和，减轻 | |
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exuberant
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| adj.充满活力的；（植物）繁茂的 | |
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judiciously
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| adv.明断地，明智而审慎地 | |
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confiscated
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| 没收，充公( confiscate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mites
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| n.（尤指令人怜悯的）小孩( mite的名词复数 )；一点点；一文钱；螨 | |
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repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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infamous
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| adj.声名狼藉的，臭名昭著的，邪恶的 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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83
throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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84
diminutive
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| adj.小巧可爱的，小的 | |
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85
pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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86
guardian
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| n.监护人；守卫者，保护者 | |
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87
Forsaken
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| adj. 被遗忘的, 被抛弃的 动词forsake的过去分词 | |
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88
quelled
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| v.（用武力）制止，结束，镇压( quell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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89
graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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90
nausea
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| n.作呕，恶心；极端的憎恶(或厌恶) | |
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91
prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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