From this point of vantage he could look up and down the street, and there would be no chance of missing her. She rarely reached home till past six, and, even allowing for very slow walking, he was if anything too early.
He felt, as he opened his umbrella—it had begun to rain—that his present position might look foolish, but was certainly justifiable2. He would ask Hilda no questions, force in no way her confidence, but really on the gray dreariness3 of such a day she ought not to reject but rather to be glad for his proffered4 and unexpected companionship. The combined dreariness of the afternoon with its cold rain, the gray street, the desolate-looking branches of the trees in the Luxembourg Gardens, inspired him with a painful sympathy for Hilda’s pursuits. She was, probably, working in one of these tall, severe houses; perhaps with some atelier chum fallen beneath the ban of Mrs. Archinard’s disapproval5, and clung to with a girl’s enthusiasm. Disobedient of Hilda, very. The chum might be masculine. This was a new and disagreeable supposition; a Marie Bashkirtseff, Bastien Lepage affair; Bohemia gloried in such audacities6; it was difficult to associate Hilda with such feats7 of independence. There was a mystery somewhere, however, and if not mountainous, it must be more than mere8 mole-hill. It was very windy, and the rain blew slantingly. Katherine would find the situation amusing. A vision of the sympathetic amusement was followed by the realization9 that to betray his Quixotism might be to betray Hilda’s confidence. Yet Hilda had made no confidence. Peter rebelled at the mere suggestion of concealment10. Knowing all, Katherine could surely know that he had been admitted into the outer courts of the mystery. He had ample time for every variety of reflection, for he had been standing11 in the rain for over an hour, when Hilda appeared not far from him, stepping from the door of one of the largest and most dignified12 of the gray houses. She paused on the wet pavement to open her umbrella, and Peter had a glimpse of the wide red lips and small black beard of an unpleasant-looking French youth, who seemed to loiter behind her with a certain air of expectancy13. It was impossible to connect his commonplace vulgarity of aspect with Bohemian friendships or with Hilda, and, indeed, she gave him a mere nod, not looking at him at all, and came walking up the street, her skirt raised in one hand, showing slim feet and ankles. Odd, as he contemplated14 her advance, was reminded of the light poise15 of a Jean Goujon nymph. Her umbrella, lowered against the wind, hid him from her.
“Well, Hilda,” he said amicably16, when she was almost beside him—the umbrella tilted17 back over her shoulder, and the rain fell on her startled face—“Here I am.”
Her stare of utmost amazement18 was very amusing, but she looked white and tired.
“I must get a fiacre, I haven’t your taste for plodding19 through rain and mud, and you’ll be kind enough to forgo20 the enjoyment21 for one day, won’t you?” Her stupefaction at last resolved itself into one word: “Well!” she exclaimed with emphasis, and then she laughed outright22.
“By Jove, child, you look done up. I’m glad you’re not angry, though. You wouldn’t laugh if you were angry, would you? Here is a fiacre.” He hailed the approaching vehicle; the cocher’s hat and cape23, the roof of the cab, the horse’s waterproof24 covering glistened25 with rain in the dying light.
“You are very, very kind,” Hilda said, rather gravely now, as they stood side by side on the curb26 while the fiacre rattled27 up to them.
“I always intend to be kind, Hilda, if you will let me. Jump in.” He followed her, slamming the door with relief, and depositing the two dripping umbrellas in a corner.
“You must be drenched,” said Hilda solemnly.
“Imitation is the sincerest flattery, I believe; your fondness for drenchings inspired me. You are not one bit angry, then? You see I ask you no questions.”
“Angry? It was too good of you!” Her voice was still meditative28.
“I am much relieved that you should say so. I was only conscious of guilt29.”
“How long did you wait?”
“About an hour.”
“And it was pouring!”
“Oh no, not pouring. I have suffered far worse drenchings for far less pleasure. One has no umbrella in Scotland on the moors30.”
“One has, at least, the scenery.” Hilda smiled.
“Yes; the Rue d’Assas isn’t particularly inspiring. I don’t disclaim31 honor; that corner was most wearing. Only the irritation32 of waiting for my mysterious little truant33 kept me from finding it dreary34.”
“Don’t call me mysterious, please.”
“But you are mysterious, Hilda; very. However, I promised myself, and I promise you, to say no more about it, to ask no questions.”
“You are so kind, so good.” There was deep feeling in her voice; she looked at him with a certain wistful eagerness. “You really do care, don’t you? Shall I tell you? I should like to. It seems silly not to tell you, and I think you have a right to know—after to-day.”
“I really care a great deal, Hilda; but—I don’t want to take an unfair advantage, you know; I really have no right whatsoever35. Wait till this impulse of unmerited gratitude36 has passed.”
“But it is nothing to tell, really nothing. You see—I make money. I have to—I teach. There; that is all.”
Peter looked at her, at the white oval of her face, at the unfashionable little hat, at the shabby coat and skirt. A lily of the field who toiled37 and spun38. And a hot resentment39 rose within him as he thought of the father, the mother, the sister.
“Why have you to?” he asked, in a hard voice.
“We are so dreadfully poor, and we are so dreadfully in debt.”
“But why you alone? What can you do?”
“I can do a good deal. I have been very lucky. I love my work too, and I make money by it, so it is natural. Mamma, of course, would think it terrible, degrading even; but I can’t agree with mamma’s point of view; I think it is quite wrong. I see nothing terrible or degrading.”
“No; nothing terrible or degrading, I grant you.”
“You think I am right, don’t you?”
“Yes; quite right, dear, quite right.”
Odd paused before adding: “It is the incongruity40 that is shocking.”
“The incongruity?” Hilda’s voice was vague.
“Between your life and theirs; yes.”
“Oh, you don’t understand. I love my work; it is my pleasure. Besides, they don’t know; they don’t realize the necessity either.”
“Why the teaching? I thought your pictures sold well.”
“And so they do, often; but I took up the teaching some years ago, before I had any hope of selling my pictures; it is very sure, very well paid, and I really find it a rest after five hours of studio work; after five hours I don’t feel a picture any longer.”
“Yet they must know that the money comes from somewhere?”
Hilda’s voice in replying held a pained quality; this attack on her family very evidently perplexed41 her.
“Mamma thinks it comes from papa, and papa, I suppose, doesn’t think about it at all; he knows, too, that I sell my pictures. You mustn’t imagine,” she added, with a touch of pride and resentment, “that they would let me teach if they knew; you mustn’t imagine that for one moment. And I don’t mean to let them know, for then I couldn’t help them; as it is, my help is limited. The money goes, for the most part, towards guarding mamma. She could not bear shocks and anxiety.”
Odd said nothing for some moments.
“How did it begin? how did you come to think of it?” he asked.
“It began some years ago, at the studio where I worked when I first came to Paris. There was a kind, dull French girl there; she had no talent, and she was very rich. She heard my work praised a good deal, and one day, after I had got a picture into the Salon42 for the first time, she came and asked me if I would give her lessons. Fifteen francs an hour.” Hilda paused in a way which showed Odd that the recollection was painful to her.
“It seemed a very strange thing to me at first, that she should ask me. I had, I’m afraid, rather silly ideas about Katherine and myself; as though we were very elevated young persons, above all the unpleasant realities of life. But my common sense soon got the better of my pride; or rather, I should say, the false pride made way for the honest. We were awfully43 poor just then. Papa, of course, never could, never even tried to make money; but that winter he went in for exasperated44 speculation45, and really Katherine and I did not know what was to become of us. To keep it from mamma was the great thing. Katherine was just beginning to go out, and no money for gowns and cabs; no money, even, for mamma’s books. Keeping up with current literature is expensive, you know, and mamma has a horror of circulating libraries. The thought of poor mamma’s empty life soon decided46 me. I remember she had asked one day for John Addington Symonds’s last book, and Katherine and I looked at one another, knowing that it could not be bought. I realized then, that at all events I could make enough to keep mamma in books and Katherine in gloves. You can’t think how nasty, how egotistic my vulgar hesitation47 seemed to me. My life so full, so happy, and theirs on the verge48 of ruin. There is something very selfish about art, you know; it shuts one off so much from real life, makes one so indifferent to scrapings and pinchings. I realized that, with my shabby clothes and apparent talent, it was most natural for the French girl to think I should be glad of her offer; and indeed I was. It was soothing49, too, to have her so eager. She wanted me very much, so I yielded gracefully50.” Hilda gave a little smile of self-mockery. “I have taught her ever since. She lives in that house in the Rue d’Assas; rich, bourgeois51 people, common, but kind. She has no talent”—Hilda’s matter-of-fact manner of knowledge was really impressive—“but I don’t feel unfair in going on with her, for she really does see things now, and that is the greatest pleasure next to seeing and accomplishing; and, indeed, how rarely one accomplishes. Through her I have a great many pupils, for other girls at the studio heard of her progress with me, and wanted private lessons too. All my afternoons are taken up, and, with fifteen francs an hour, you can see what a lot I make. It rather annoys me to think of people far cleverer than I am who can make nothing, and I, just because I have had luck, making so much. But among my pupils, I really have quite a vogue52; and I am a good teacher, I really think I am.”
“I am sure your pupils are very lucky. You have a great many, you say?”
“Yes, quite a lot. Sometimes I give three lessons in an afternoon. With Mademoiselle Lebon, my first pupil, I spend all the afternoon twice a week. She has a gorgeous studio.” Hilda smiled again. “It is very nice working there. To-morrow I go for two hours to an old lady; she lives in the Boulevard St. Germain; she is a dear, and a great deal of talent too; she does flowers exquisitely53; not the dreadful feminine vulgarities one usually associates with women’s flower-painting; why all the incompetents54 should fall back on those loveliest and most difficult things, I never could understand. But my pupil really sees and selects. Only think how funny! Katherine met her son at a dance one night—the Comte de Chalons—insignificant but nice, she said; how little he could have connected Katherine with his mother’s teacher! Indeed, he never saw me,” and Hilda’s smile became decidedly clever. “I suppose the comtesse—she really is a dear, too—thinks that for a penniless young teacher I am too pretty. Well, I make on an average thirty francs an afternoon. I give Mademoiselle Lebon and Madame de Chalons double time for their money, as old pupils. It would be easier to have a class in my studio, of course, but I would lose many of my most interesting pupils, who don’t care about going out; then, too, it would be almost impossible to keep my misdoings undiscovered. And there is all the mystery!” She leaned forward in the dusk of the cab to smile at him playfully. “I am glad to get it off my mind; glad, too, that you should know why I am so often cross and dull; by the time I reach home I am tired. I always bring Palamon, unless it is as rainy as to-day, and of course he puts omnibuses out of the question; omnibuses mount up, too, when one takes them every day. Excuse these sordid55 details.”
“I should think that a young lady who earns thirty francs an afternoon might afford a cab.” Odd found it rather difficult to speak. She was mercifully unaware56 of the aspect in which her drudging, crushed young life appeared to him.
“And then, what would Palamon and I do for exercise!” said Hilda lightly; “it is the walking that keeps me well, I am sure.”
His silence seemed to depress her gayety, for after a moment she added: “And really you don’t know how poor we are. I have no right to cabs, really. As it is, it often seems wrong to me spending the money as I do when we owe so much, so terribly much. Thirty francs is a lot, but we need every penny of it, for mere everyday life. I have paid off some of the smaller debts by instalments, but the weekly bills seem to swallow up everything.”
His realization of this silent struggle—the whole weight of her selfish family on her frail57 shoulders—made Odd afraid of his own indignation. The remembrance of Mrs. Archinard’s whines58, the Captain’s taunts59, yes, and worst of all, Katherine’s gowns and gayety, almost overcame him. He took her hand in his and held it as they rolled along through the wetly shining streets. His continued silence rather alarmed Hilda. The relief of full confidence was so great that she could not bear it impaired60 by any misinterpretation.
“You do understand,” she said; “you do think I am right? My success seems unmerited to you, perhaps? But I try to give my best. I seem very selfish and unkind to mamma, I know, but I really am kind—don’t you think so?—in keeping the truth from her and letting her misjudge me. I know you have thought of me that I was one of those selfish idiots who neglect their real duties for their art; but I can do more for mamma outside our home. And I read to her in the evening. Oh, how conceited61, egotistic, all that sounds! But I do want you to believe that I try to do what seems best and wisest.”
“Hilda! Hilda!” he put her hand to his lips and kissed the worn glove.
“You simply astound62 me,” he said, after a moment; “your little life facing this great Paris.”
“Oh, I am very careful, very wise,” Hilda said quickly.
“Careful? You mean that if you were not you might encounter unpleasantnesses?”
She looked at him with a look of knowledge that went strangely with her delicate face.
“Of course one must be careful. I am young—and pretty. I have learned that.”
“My child, what other things have you learned?” And Odd’s hold tightened63 on her hand.
“That terrifying things might happen if one were not brave. Don’t exaggerate, please. I really have found so few lions in my path, and a girl of dignity cannot be really annoyed beyond a certain point. Lions are very much magnified in popular and conventional estimation. A girl can, practically, do anything she likes here in Paris if she is quiet and self-reliant.”
Odd stared at her.
“Of course I have always been a coward, after a fashion; I was frightened at first,” said Hilda. He understood now the look of moral courage that had haunted him; natural timidity steeled to endurance. “The greatest trouble with me is that I am too noticeable, too pretty.” She spoke64 of her beauty in a tone of matter-of-fact experience; “it is a pity for a working woman.”
“My child,” Odd repeated. He felt dazed.
“Please don’t exaggerate,” Hilda reiterated65.
“Exaggerate? Tell me about these lions. How have you vanquished66 them?”
“I have merely walked past them.”
His evident dismay gave her a merry little moment of superior wisdom.
“They frightened me and that was all. One was the husband of a person I taught. He used to lie in wait for me in the dining-room.” Hilda gave Odd a rather meditative glance. “You won’t be angry? Angry with me for keeping on in my path of independence?”
“No; I won’t be angry with you.” Odd felt that his very lips were white.
“Well, he gave me a letter one day.” Hilda paused. “What a despicable man!” she said reflectively; “I taught his wife! I tore the letter in two, gave it back to him, and walked out. Naturally, I never went back again.” Her voice suddenly broke. “Oh! it was horrible! I felt—“
“What did you feel?”
“I felt as though I were for evermore set apart from my kind of girl, from girls like Katherine. I felt smirched, as though some one had thrown mud at me. That was morbid67. I got over it.”
“Heavens!” Odd ejaculated. “Katherine knows this too?” he asked bitingly.
“Oh no, no! Mr. Odd, you are the only person. Never speak of it, will you? Never, never! Poor Kathy! It would drive her mad!”
“And she knows of your work?”
“Yes; I had to tell her of that. She felt dreadfully about it. She wanted me to go out with her, and have pretty dresses, and meet the clever people she meets. You should have seen how happy she was in London last spring! To have me with her! Wrenched68 away from my paint! Of course I could not give up my work, even if there had been money enough. I made her see that, and I can’t say I made her agree, but I made her yield. She takes a false view of it still, and worries over it. She wants me to give up the teaching and paint pictures only; but that would be too risky69, they don’t sell so surely. I have several on my hands. But Katherine knows nothing of lions and unpleasantness. I must keep such things secret, or I should not be allowed to go on.”
“You think I am safe. I must allow you, I suppose?”
“Yes, you must.” She smiled a very decided little smile, adding gravely, “I have confided70 in you.”
“Trust me.” There was silence in the cab for some moments. The tall trees of the Cours la Reine dripped in a misty71 mass on one side; on the other was the Seine with its lights.
“And the young man I saw at the door as you came out to-day?” said Odd.
“Oh, that is nothing, I hope. He is Mademoiselle Lebon’s brother. A harmlessly disagreeable creature, I fancy.” Odd resumed his brooding silence. “What are you thinking of so solemnly?” she asked.
“Of you.”
“Why so solemnly? I am afraid you are laboring72 under all sorts of false impressions. I have told my story stupidly.”
“The true impression has stupefied me. Good heavens! Theoretically I believe in the development of character at all costs, and you have certainly developed a rara avis in the line; but practically, practically, my dear little girl, I would have you taken care of in cotton-wool, guarded, protected; you would always be lovely, and you would have been happy. You have been very unhappy.”
Hilda was looking at him with that rather vague look of impersonal73 contemplation characteristic of her.
“How you exaggerate things,” she said, smiling; “I have not been unhappy.”
“The pity of it! The pathos74!” Odd pursued, not heeding75 her comment. Hilda looked at him rather sadly.
“You mean that I should have lost my ignorance? Yes, that made me feel badly,” she assented76. “That is the worst of it. One becomes so suspicious. But, Mr. Odd, that is merely a sentimental77 regret. I have not lost my self-respect. I am not ignorant of things I should like to ignore; but one may know a great many things, and be unharmed.”
“My dear child, you are probably innocent of things familiar to many modern girls. No knowledge could harm you. You have a right to more than self-respect. You are a little heroine. Your unrewarded, unrecognized fight fills me with amazement and reverence78. I did not know that such self-forgetful devotion existed.”
“Oh, please don’t talk like that! It is quite ridiculous! We must have money, and I can make it easily. I would be quite a monster if I sat idly at home, and saw mamma in squalid misery79. I merely do my duty.” Hilda spoke quite sharply and decisively.
“Merely!” Odd ejaculated.
A thought of the near future, of Allan Hope, kept him silent, otherwise he might have indulged in reckless invective80. He still held her hand, and again he raised it to his lips.
“That is a very stubborn and unconvinced salute81, I am afraid,” Hilda said good-humoredly.
“May I come and get you now and then?” he asked.
“You think it would be wise?”
“How do you mean wise, Hilda?”
“I might be found out. I have given you my secret. You must help me to keep it.”
“I may speak of it to Katharine—since she knows?”
“Oh, of course, to Katherine. But don’t egg her on to worry me!” laughed Hilda; “and speak to her with reservations—there are things she must not know.”
Peter wondered if the child-friendship, the brotherly relations, entitled him to seal the compact with a kiss upon her lips. He looked at her with a sudden quickening of breath. Her dimly seen face was very beautiful. This realization of her beauty’s attraction at that moment struck him with a sense of abasement82 before her. Surely no such poor tie held him to this lovely soul. And, at the turn of his own thoughts, Odd felt a vague stir of fear.
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1
rue
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| n.懊悔，芸香，后悔；v.后悔，悲伤，懊悔 | |
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justifiable
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| adj.有理由的，无可非议的 | |
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dreariness
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| 沉寂，可怕，凄凉 | |
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proffered
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| v.提供，贡献，提出( proffer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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audacities
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| n.大胆( audacity的名词复数 )；鲁莽；胆大妄为；鲁莽行为 | |
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feats
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| 功绩，伟业，技艺( feat的名词复数 ) | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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expectancy
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| n.期望，预期，（根据概率统计求得）预期数额 | |
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contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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amicably
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| adv.友善地 | |
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tilted
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| v. 倾斜的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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plodding
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| a.proceeding in a slow or dull way | |
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forgo
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| v.放弃，抛弃 | |
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enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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cape
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| n.海角，岬；披肩，短披风 | |
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waterproof
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| n.防水材料；adj.防水的；v.使...能防水 | |
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glistened
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| v.湿物闪耀，闪亮( glisten的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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meditative
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| adj.沉思的，冥想的 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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moors
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| v.停泊，系泊（船只）( moor的第三人称单数 ) | |
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disclaim
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| v.放弃权利，拒绝承认 | |
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irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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truant
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| n.懒惰鬼，旷课者；adj.偷懒的，旷课的，游荡的；v.偷懒，旷课 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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toiled
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| 长时间或辛苦地工作( toil的过去式和过去分词 )； 艰难缓慢地移动，跋涉 | |
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spun
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| v.纺，杜撰，急转身 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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incongruity
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| n.不协调，不一致 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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salon
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| n.[法]沙龙；客厅；营业性的高级服务室 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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exasperated
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| adj.恼怒的 | |
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speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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Vogue
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| n.时髦，时尚；adj.流行的 | |
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exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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incompetents
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| n.无能力的，不称职的，不胜任的( incompetent的名词复数 ) | |
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sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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whines
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| n.悲嗥声( whine的名词复数 )；哀鸣者v.哀号( whine的第三人称单数 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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taunts
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| 嘲弄的言语，嘲笑，奚落( taunt的名词复数 ) | |
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impaired
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| adj.受损的；出毛病的；有（身体或智力）缺陷的v.损害，削弱( impair的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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conceited
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| adj.自负的，骄傲自满的 | |
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astound
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| v.使震惊，使大吃一惊 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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reiterated
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| 反复地说，重申( reiterate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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vanquished
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| v.征服( vanquish的过去式和过去分词 )；战胜；克服；抑制 | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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wrenched
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| v.（猛力地）扭( wrench的过去式和过去分词 )；扭伤；使感到痛苦；使悲痛 | |
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risky
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| adj.有风险的，冒险的 | |
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confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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72
laboring
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| n.劳动，操劳v.努力争取(for)( labor的现在分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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pathos
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| n.哀婉，悲怆 | |
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heeding
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| v.听某人的劝告，听从( heed的现在分词 ) | |
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assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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80
invective
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| n.痛骂，恶意抨击 | |
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81
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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82
abasement
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| n.滥用 | |
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