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Back in 1885, Joseph Hooper, disgraced, disowned by his family and as poor Job's turkey, made a brief but sufficiently1 explicit2 will in which he named his beloved nephew Thomas Singleton Bingle as his sole heir. He drew it up on the surface of a fresh, unused postal3 card, and had it properly witnessed by the bailiff who came to Bingle's apartment to demand his appearance before a court to show cause why he should not consider himself in contempt for having disregarded the order to pay monthly sums in the shape of alimony to his late but unlamented wife.
In looking about for the second witness, he observed a levying5 deputy sheriff in the act of carrying off his last and only possession of value, to wit: a gold-headed cane6 that had been left to him by his father. With a fine sense of irony7, he persuaded the aforesaid deputy sheriff to affix8 his signature to the will, and then remarked with deep sarcasm9 that he had "put his house in order" so far as it was in his power to do so. Inasmuch as the deputy sheriff was making way with what looked to be his entire estate, saving the clothes upon his back and the post-card (which he had taken the precaution to address to his lawyers, thereby10 securing its protection by the United States Government), Mr. Hooper's last will and testament11 as uttered on the 16th day of October, 1885, was necessarily brief and succinct12. It merely said:
"I hereby revoke13 any former will I may have made prior to this date, and now bequeath to my beloved nephew, Thomas Singleton Bingle, my entire fortune, which at this time appears to be not my face but my figure. I therefore bequeath to him my physical person, and vest in him the right to chuck it into the river, or to dispose of it for medical purposes, as he may see fit, provided however that I shall first have been declared sufficiently dead by competent judges. I also bequeath to him any property, great or small, that may be in my possession at the time of my demise14, even though it be no more than the collar-button with which he so kindly15 supplied me this morning, and which I shall always retain as a mark of his devotion, knowing well what it means for a man to deprive himself of a cherished belonging."
This was written in a very fine, cramped16 hand, and there was ample room at the bottom for his own signature and those of the witnesses, although it must be said that the elegant symmetry of the document was destroyed by the bulging17 scrawl18 of the bailiff, whose name was Abraham Kosziemanowski and who had to turn the final two syllables19 down at a sharp angle in order to get the whole of his signature on the card.
Bradlee, Sigsbee & Oppenheim, on the receipt of this jocose20 instrument, immediately communicated with their once magnificent client, who laconically21 instructed them to put it away in a very safe place as it might come in handy some time. To their own and to his subsequent surprise, they DID put it away in a safe place, but forgot all about it until he walked in upon them fifteen years afterwards and revealed himself as the great and only Joseph H. Grimwell.
Having once disinherited his children, he was then in the mood to reconsider his act, being alive to the fact that his days were numbered. But he went about the business with the sagacity of an old dog who has been kicked hard by some one who was not his master. Instead of proclaiming himself to be the Midas-like Joseph Grimwell, he appeared before his son and daughters, as poor old Joseph Hooper, their long lost father, as poor—nay, even poorer than when he went away, for he had lost the rugged22 health that was his only possession at the beginning of his vicissitudes23.
Assuming a condition of abject24, though genteel poverty, he went to each of them in turn. He wanted to give them a chance to reconsider, as he had done. But they would have none of him! Vastly dismayed by the failure of his nice little scheme to trick them into filial responsibility, he was on the point of shouting his denunciations from the house-tops when he suddenly remembered Tom Bingle: he wondered if Tom would receive him—an old derelict—with open arms.
He presented himself, with his battered25 valise, at the door of Thomas
Bingle's apartment—and was given a warm, even hearty26 reception!
And it was on that day—at that very hour, so to speak—that Thomas Bingle became a fabulously27 rich man without the slightest effort or intention on his part.
Mr. Hooper one day recalled to mind the postal-card will. If his memory served him right there was something jocose and undignified about it—something that would not look well in the public prints. He visited the offices of his lawyers, recovered the amazing instrument, and forthwith set about to make a new will, bereft29 of certain grewsome stipulations but quite as sweeping30 in purpose as the other had been. In fact, he left his fortune—as he had done before—to his beloved nephew, Thomas Singleton Bingle, with three precautionary bequests31 to his son and daughters, providing against the contests that were sure to follow. He bequeathed the sum of one thousand dollars to each of his children, and he signed his name once more as Joseph H. Hooper—for the first time in fourteen years.
His wanderings as a tramp—in his own account of himself he used the word "tramp" with a shocking lack of pride—led him inevitably32 into the far Northwest. Men were doing things up there. The country fairly seethed33 with the activity of live, virile34 men who were taking the first staunch grip upon the tricky35 wheel of fortune and were turning it to their own account. Every man was building; no man complained of conditions, for conditions were so new and so ready to hand that he who found fault was merely lessening36 his own chance to secure his share of the vast resources that spread before him, welcoming the greedy fingers of him who courted the future and shunned37 the past. All men lived in the present out there in the great stretches, and all men were strong and eager.
Joseph Hooper caught the fever that infected the West. He shook off the fetters38 that bound him to a far from enchanted39 East, and began to squirm with the first tickling40 sensations of an ambition that had never really made itself felt, even in the old days of successful achievement among men who were content to tread the beaten and commonplace highway toward riches. The spirit of the West gripped him in its great, enveloping41 hands, picked him out of the slough42 and set him down again, plump upon his two feet, high and dry, prodding43 him violently all the while with a spur that would not permit him to stop or to take a step backward, with the natural result that he moved forward—slowly, dazedly44 at first, and then with a mighty45 rush.
He had one advantage over most of the men who were being driven helter-skelter by the grateful lash46 of the West: he was a trained money-getter. Back of him were generations of shrewd business men, while dormant47 in his own being was the half-stunned thing called natural ability. The simple shrewdness of Joseph Hooper, combined with a certain hitherto unconfessed lack of respect for the Golden Rule, to say nothing of a vain-glorious desire to kick the world that had kicked him, soon produced opportunities that paved the way for his rehabilitation48.
Without a dollar to his name, with nothing in the shape of resources save a self-sufficient nerve and an infinite eastern contempt for these struggling westerners, he began to promote things!
The field was fresh and fertile. Inside of two years he reaped a half-dozen harvests—and replanted as he went along! First, he promoted a street railway in a place called Mockawock; then it became necessary for some one to establish reasons for the existence of such a thing as a car-line in a town that could be traversed on foot, from one end to the other, in less than eight minutes; so he began to promote the organisation49 of a wagon50 factory at one extreme and a pickle51 works at the other, possessing the far-sightedness to put them so far away from each other that if one wanted to go to the pickle works from the wagon factory, or vice52 versa, he would have to go by trolley53 unless he possessed54 the hardiness55 of an ox and was not dismayed by the vastness of the city limits. For like all towns in the great Northwest, Mockawock had its limits and they were wide enough to make New York or Chicago appear cramped by comparison. One could walk for hours in a straight line south from the public square in Mockawock and still not be "out in the country," figuratively speaking, although he might not see a house or a human being—unless he turned his head—after the first ten minutes. He could also walk west or north in the same futile56 effort to get out of the "city" into the "country," but he could not walk east for more than two city blocks. Mockawock happened to be situated57 on the shores of Lake Superior and not even the most boastful citizen would have contended that the city limits reached far in that direction.
And, having successfully promoted such enterprises in Mockawock as would tend to convince the citizens that some day the city limits would have to be extended, he very wisely took the gains acquired in the sale of options, the disposal of franchises58, the surrender of equities59, and all such, and slipped away to the vast forests in the north, where he bought timber-land by the section.
Another town required stirring up by this time, so he descended60 upon it, backed by the reputation gained at Mockawock and, before the citizens could say Jack61 Robinson, he had skilfully62 promoted a number of enterprises, including a belt railroad, an electric lighting63 plant, and a new evening newspaper, all of which fairly set the town by the ears and made him one of the most important figures in the upper Lake region.
Once more he slipped off into the forests and took unto himself additional sections of virgin64 timber at inconceivably low prices. Other men made much of the wheat-field and the town-lot, but Joseph Hooper saw fortune in the forests. Again and again he increased his timber land holdings. People thought he was buying up town-sites and smiled smugly among themselves as they discussed the dreadful shock he was to have when the time came for him to begin clearing away the timber!
All this time he was known as Joseph H. Grimwell. There was no such person as Joseph Hooper. That discredited65 individual had died, so to speak, by the wayside, a vagabond. New York had lost track of him; his family believed him to be dead—or in prison! It is barely possible that he ought to have been incarcerated66 for some of his skilfully manipulated enterprises, but that has nothing to do with this narrative67. It is relevant to dwell only upon the contention68 that riches come swiftly to him who makes use of both hands without caring whether the left knows what the right is doing or the other way about. At any rate, Joseph Grimwell was a better man than Joseph Hooper ever had been, and he was a wiser man in many respects than Solomon the historic.
In brief, there came a day when his timber turned to gold. The name of Grimwell became a household word. It even penetrated69 to the secret crannies of Wall Street. Men who did not know oak from soft pine began to plead with him to be "let in on the ground floor." Gentlemen who sat in mahogany offices and worshipped at unseen shrines70, took notice of this man of the West who was getting more than his share of the pillage71. Promoters sought him out and haggled72 with him—haggled with the prince of promoters! They tried to let him into the secret of making money!
Fortune may not always favour the brave, but it continues to do a little something every now and then for the bold. In Joseph Grimwell's case, it overlooked the fact that he was neither brave nor bold but rewarded him for being interestingly tricky. Out of sheer respect for his cleverness in acquiring all of the timber land available, Fortune set about to outdo him in productiveness. It suddenly remembered that it had placed three rich copper73 deposits in separate and distinct parts of his land and kindly directed him to the spots.
Now, copper can be turned into gold quite as readily as ice, or beef, or hops74, or any of the products of man's experimentation75, just as one can make hay while the sun shines, even though his field of activity lies at the bottom of an oil-well. Mr. Grimwell made gold out of his copper, just as he made it out of oak and pine and ash, and when he came to be three score years and ten he had so many dollars that, like Old Mother Hubbard, he didn't know what to do with them.
It suddenly dawned upon him that there was no one to whom he could leave this vast accumulation unless he made peace with his past.
He sold out all of his holdings, reducing everything to coin of the realm, and once more became a wanderer in search of a place to lay his head. With fourteen or fifteen millions of dollars in his purse, so to speak, he slunk into New York, a beggar still and hungrier than he had ever been in his life.
Then he tried out the plan that failed. His lawyer and his doctor alone knew that Joseph Grimwell and Joseph Hooper were one and the same person, and they were pledged to secrecy76. One of them drew up his will and the other made death as easy as possible for him. His nephew, poor wretch77, buried him in a grave alongside a devoted78 sister, froze his ears while doing so—and lost his job in the bank besides!
The new will was read in the offices of Bradlee, Sigsbee & Oppenheim on the day following Mr. Bingle's first ride in a taxi-cab. The heir was too bewildered to attend the meeting arranged for the same afternoon, and it had to be postponed80. As a matter of fact, he sent word to the lawyers that his wife was too ill to come down that afternoon but would doubtless be better on the following day. When informed that his wife's presence was unnecessary and that his cousins were even then on their way down town and that there was no way to head them off, he blandly81 inquired if it wouldn't be possible to postpone79 the whole matter for a week or two, assuring the gentlemen that he wouldn't, for all the world, disturb Mrs. Bingle, who appeared to be sleeping comfortably for the first time in twenty-four hours. In fact, he informed them that he thought it would be a mistake to break the news to her while her cold was so bad; as for himself, he didn't mind waiting a week or two—not in the least—if it was all the same to Mr. Sigsbee.
It was Melissa who broke the news to Mrs. Bingle, and it was at once apparent that it was not a mistake to do so. The good lady improved so rapidly that she sent for the expensive Dr. Fiddler, dismissing the cheap Dr. Smith, and by seven o'clock that evening declared that she had never felt better in all of her life.
"I suppose you'll fire me now, Mr. Bingle," Melissa had said dejectedly. "With all that money, you'll be wanting high-priced servants."
"Quite so," said Mr. Bingle magnificently. "Much higher-priced,
Melissa."
"You'll never find any one that loves you more than I do," began
Melissa, on the verge82 of tears.
"Allow me," interrupted Mr. Bingle, with a sweep of the hand. "The highest priced servant in our employ is to be Melissa Taylor, which is you, my girl. We shall probably keep two or three servants—if we can find anything for them to do—but none of 'em shall receive as much as you, Melissa. Put that in your pipe and smoke it."
"I—I wasn't asking for a raise, sir," murmured Melissa, in considerable distress83.
"You get it without asking," said Mr. Bingle. It should be remembered that he was still very much dazed and bewildered.
"Maybe you'll be having a butler and a regular chef. They come pretty high, sir," advised Melissa, spilling a little of Mrs. Bingle's tea on the counterpane. "Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Bingle."
"Never mind, Melissa," said Mr. Bingle. "I guess we can afford to spill a little tea if we like. I've no doubt that a butler would spill a great deal. It doesn't matter what we have to pay him—if we have him—you shall have five dollars a month more than he gets. That's settled."
The least important person at the "reading of the will" was the little man who sat hunched84 up in a chair and gazed about him with perplexed85 eyes, occasionally touching86 his sore ears with tender fingers, and always regretting the act for the reason that it called the attention of his cousins to something that appeared to gratify them a great deal more than the actual business at hand. In fact, he never quite got over that miserable87 hour of inspection88 on their part. He never ceased to regret the condition of his ears on that stupendous occasion. What might have been a really impressive hour in his life was spoiled by the certainty that every one was paying more attention to his misfortune than to his fortune.
Of course, the conditions of the will were pretty well known to the three children of Joseph Hooper, hours before they were read to them. They knew that their detestable father had practically disinherited them, but they were not prepared for the staggering baseness employed by the old man in giving his reasons for cutting them off. To their chagrin89, mortification90, even shame, they were compelled to listen to at least a dozen letters that they had written to their father during the period covered by his supposed degeneracy. The originals of these letters, stained, dirty, frazzled but incontrovertibly genuine, were attached to the instrument, and were referred to in certain specific recommendations incorporated in the body of the will itself.
Old Joseph had preserved the letters of his children. They were emphatic91 evidences of their attitude toward him from first to last. There was no such thing as going behind them. It might be possible to produce proof that the testator was unsound of mind, but it would never be possible to wipe out the written declarations of his mentally perfect son and daughters. In these delectable92 missives they completely disowned him as a father; they raked him fore4 and aft; they riddled93 him with a hundred shafts94 of scorn; they repeatedly said that they never wanted to see his face again; they put him out of their lives and urgently requested him to put them out of his; they expected nothing of him and they certainly did not want him to expect anything of them; and so on and so forth28. And in spite of all these bitter rebukings, old Joseph had come back to New York ready and willing to let bygones be bygones if they would only meet him half way.
Geoffrey declared in so many words that his father had played a scurvy95 trick on all of them. He managed to give utterance96 to this violent opinion before his attorney could check his unnecessary eloquence97. After that, Geoffrey, subdued98 and desolate99, kept extremely quiet and suffered considerably100 under the convicting gaze of his sisters and their husbands, all of whom were inclined to disown him there and then as a brother for his reckless implication that their father was as sane101 as any of them.
Thomas Singleton Bingle was to receive, in round figures, fifteen million dollars under the will of his uncle, after the funeral expenses and all just debts had been paid. It was really quite staggering. If Thomas Singleton Bingle had not been so completely wrapped up in his ears, it is certain that he would have acted as any other intelligent human being would have acted at a time like this. He would have gone stark102, staring mad.
But wait! After all, he DID become a bit daffy. Observing the desolated103, crushed attitude of his three cousins, his honest heart smote104 him sorely. He piped up from the depths of his chair and announced that all he wanted out of the estate was the amount that he had actually expended105 in caring for Uncle Joe during the past few months. He would be satisfied with that and—But he got no farther. Mr. Sigsbee hastened to remind him that he hadn't anything to say about it. He didn't have a voice in the matter. And then Angela and Elizabeth scornfully observed that it was a pretty time to talk about that sort of thing, after he had so skilfully succeeded in influencing their poor, mentally unbalanced father to make a will like this one.
Right heroically, Mr. Bingle declared that he was willing to give all of his inheritance to any deserving charity, or charities, reserving, if no one objected, a sufficient amount to enable him to purchase a little farm on which he could spend the rest of his days and not have to go on forever as a bookkeeper in a bank.
"Bosh!" said Geoffrey Hooper, glaring at his rich cousin.
"Ridiculous!" cried Angela and Elizabeth, transfixing Mr. Bingle with glittering eyes.
"Very well," said Mr. Bingle, arising hastily. "Let it be bosh and ridiculous, just as you like. I would have been willing to take this small amount, just as I have said, and, what's more, I might have been willing to divide the estate into four equal parts—if Mr. Sigsbee would let me do it—but now I'll be damned if I'll do anything for either of you. You don't deserve a nickel, not one of you. You had your chance and you didn't take it. I fed and clothed and housed your father and I stood ready to spend my last dollar to make his last few days on earth comfortable and easy. I buried him. I went to his funeral. I took the chance of losing my job by doing so. I froze my ears—oh, look at 'em! I don't care. And now you—you three! You can go to the devil, with my compliments as well as Uncle Joe's. Come along, Mary! Let's get out of this. We've got fifteen million dollars coming to us, and we don't have to sit here and be insulted by people to whom we have offered charity. Good day, Mr. Sigsbee. If you want me for anything, you'll find me at the bank. Now, be sure you wrap your throat up carefully, Mary. Don't take any chances. You look as though you were overheated."
Mr. Sigsbee followed them into the corridor, where he shook hands with the indignant heir.
"Your troubles have just begun, Mr. Bingle," he said, with a genial106 smile.
"How's that?"
"We'll have a long, bitter fight on our hands, but—we'll win. There will be a contest, you see."
"All right," said Mr. Bingle, his eyes snapping. "I'm ready. I stood by Uncle Joe when he was alive, you can bet your last dollar I'm not going back on him now that he's dead."
That evening, sitting over the crackling grate fire, Mr. Bingle broke a long period of silence by remarking to his wife:
"I dare say we can afford to adopt one or two, Mary, with all this money we're going to have."
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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explicit
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| adj.详述的，明确的；坦率的；显然的 | |
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postal
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| adj.邮政的，邮局的 | |
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fore
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| adv.在前面；adj.先前的；在前部的；n.前部 | |
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levying
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| 征（兵）( levy的现在分词 )； 索取； 发动（战争）； 征税 | |
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cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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affix
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sarcasm
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thereby
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testament
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succinct
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revoke
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| v.废除，取消，撤回 | |
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demise
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| n.死亡；v.让渡，遗赠，转让 | |
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kindly
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cramped
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bulging
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scrawl
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syllables
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jocose
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laconically
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rugged
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vicissitudes
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abject
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battered
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hearty
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fabulously
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forth
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bereft
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sweeping
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bequests
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inevitably
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seethed
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virile
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tricky
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lessening
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shunned
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fetters
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enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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tickling
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| 反馈，回授，自旋挠痒法 | |
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enveloping
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slough
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prodding
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| v.刺，戳( prod的现在分词 )；刺激；促使；（用手指或尖物）戳 | |
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dazedly
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| 头昏眼花地，眼花缭乱地，茫然地 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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46
lash
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| v.系牢；鞭打；猛烈抨击；n.鞭打；眼睫毛 | |
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dormant
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| adj.暂停活动的；休眠的；潜伏的 | |
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rehabilitation
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| n.康复，悔过自新，修复，复兴，复职，复位 | |
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organisation
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| n.组织，安排，团体，有机休 | |
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wagon
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| n.四轮马车，手推车，面包车；无盖运货列车 | |
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51
pickle
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| n.腌汁，泡菜；v.腌，泡 | |
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52
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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53
trolley
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| n.手推车，台车；无轨电车；有轨电车 | |
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54
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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hardiness
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| n.耐劳性，强壮；勇气，胆子 | |
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56
futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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57
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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franchises
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| n.（尤指选举议员的）选举权( franchise的名词复数 )；参政权；获特许权的商业机构（或服务）；（公司授予的）特许经销权v.给…以特许权，出售特许权( franchise的第三人称单数 ) | |
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59
equities
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| 普通股，股票 | |
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60
descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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61
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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skilfully
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| adv. (美skillfully)熟练地 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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64
virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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discredited
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| 不足信的，不名誉的 | |
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incarcerated
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| 钳闭的 | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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contention
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| n.争论，争辩，论战；论点，主张 | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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shrines
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| 圣地，圣坛，神圣场所( shrine的名词复数 ) | |
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pillage
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| v.抢劫；掠夺；n.抢劫，掠夺；掠夺物 | |
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haggled
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| v.讨价还价( haggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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hops
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| 跳上[下]( hop的第三人称单数 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花 | |
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experimentation
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| n.实验，试验，实验法 | |
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secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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postpone
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| v.延期，推迟 | |
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postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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blandly
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| adv.温和地，殷勤地 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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hunched
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| （常指因寒冷、生病或愁苦）耸肩弓身的，伏首前倾的 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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chagrin
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| n.懊恼；气愤；委屈 | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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emphatic
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| adj.强调的，着重的；无可置疑的，明显的 | |
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delectable
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| adj.使人愉快的；美味的 | |
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riddled
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| adj.布满的；充斥的；泛滥的v.解谜，出谜题(riddle的过去分词形式) | |
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shafts
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| n.轴( shaft的名词复数 )；（箭、高尔夫球棒等的）杆；通风井；一阵（疼痛、害怕等） | |
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95
scurvy
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| adj.下流的，卑鄙的，无礼的；n.坏血病 | |
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96
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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97
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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98
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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99
desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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100
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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101
sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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102
stark
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| adj.荒凉的；严酷的；完全的；adv.完全地 | |
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103
desolated
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| adj.荒凉的，荒废的 | |
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104
smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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105
expended
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| v.花费( expend的过去式和过去分词 )；使用（钱等）做某事；用光；耗尽 | |
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106
genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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