"This is the last ditch, Margaret," I said to myself. "Take it clear! Either[Pg 142] you are about to make one more argument against intermarriage or you are going to settle the question for ever so far as your case is concerned."
Mother and I went in to dinner together, somewhat later than usual. We attacked our food very bravely, eyes down. I glanced up inadvertently, and the sight of tears on her cheeks released mine too. I leaned forward and took her hand and we struggled with a sentence or two. "No tears!" I said. "Be patient!" she answered.
Next morning after the amah had dressed young Alicia, while the cheerful child was following me about the room with her eyes and talking merry baby talk, I took her up and went, earlier than usual, to see Mother. I found her sitting up in bed. She was dressed for the day, and the blankets were rolled back against the side of the wall, making a comfortable couch for her. Thinking of Chan-King, I looked[Pg 143] at the row of little cabinets extending across the back, half-way up towards the canopy4. I remembered Chan-King's telling me of the year when he was still small enough to stand under these fascinatingly carved cabinets, where his mother stored her trinkets and toilet articles, embroidery5 silks, perfumes and the endless paraphernalia6 of her quiet life, and of the pride he felt when he bumped his head one day and found that he must stoop to be comfortable.
Wilfred was just high enough now to stand easily under the cabinets, but, in some mysterious fashion, the little image of him presented at this moment to my fancy became that of the small, far-away Chan-King, whom I was for ever re-creating in my mind as I went about the house where he had lived his pleasant youth.
This morning I laid Alicia on the bed near Madame Liang. She bent7 over her[Pg 144] and made a moue into the rosy8 face. I was much pleased when Madame Liang was unusually attentive9 to Alicia, though my sense of justice always reminded me that my own Scotch10 mother would probably have made more of the boys. But our Alicia was the first daughter in two generations of my husband's family, and, even though the sons were of priceless value to the clan11, she was loved and cherished tenderly. It seemed to me at times that the household was more fond of her than of all the boys together, including Madame Springtime's young Kya-Song, who filled the left wing of the compound with his shouts of glee as he played riding-horse on his precarious12 bamboo stool. I remembered with amusement the Western idea that daughters are unwelcome, always, in Chinese families.
While Madame Liang patted the baby, talking to her coaxingly13, I asked what she wished me to do.
She indicated on her dressing-table a box of stereoscopic views, which I brought to her. They formed a complete story, but had become very much confused. As I could read the foreign titles, would I kindly14 arrange the pictures in proper sequence? The ease and speed with which I accomplished15 this task won her instant approbation16.
This was merely one of the numberless small things I did for her thereafter. In my new estate I was in attendance on my mother during many hours of the day. I walked with her in the garden in fine weather, I sat with her and sewed, threading needles as for my own mother and even helping17 her to make those marvellous small shoes that she fashioned so carefully to the form of her feet. One day I told her how amazed I had been when I first learned from Chan-King that Chinese wives made the family shoes, but how readily I could understand, when I[Pg 146] saw the dainty embroidered18 foot-wear he referred to, that shoemaking was indeed a womanly craft.
She and Madame Chau used to take great pride in making for themselves the most frivolous19 of shoes. Madame Chau's were the smaller, being barely two and a half inches long, whereas those of my mother were twice that length and different in shape. I discovered the reason for this: Madame Chau clung tenaciously20 to the old style; but Mother had gradually let out her bandages and altered their arrangement, keeping pace with the change that followed the abolition21 of the old custom.
I became deeply interested in the custom of foot-binding. In Shanghai, all the pupils of my school and (with certain notable exceptions) the women of my social world had natural feet, and the majority of them wore American pumps and Oxfords or English boots. Bound feet, though I saw[Pg 147] them frequently in public, seemed very remote. But now, save the girls of twelve and under, who had profited by the new order of things, the women among whom I lived all had bound feet. It may be worth noting, when one remembers how America, with its own great unwashed, jokes at the expense of the Chinese of whatever rank or station, that, in accordance with the fastidious cleanliness of upper-class Chinese, the bound feet were exquisitely22 cared for, and the narrow, white, specially23 woven bandages were changed every two or three days. As I watched the daintily shod women of my mother's household, I realized that never before had I appreciated, in reading the literature of my adopted country, the aptness of comparing the walk of a woman with bound feet to the grace of bamboo swaying in the breeze. Never had I suspected the charm attached to twinkling flashes of embroidery beneath a panelled,[Pg 148] many-plaited skirt. My own number-four feet assumed alarming proportions. I grew positively24 ashamed of them. One day as Mother and I sat together in arm-chairs, with a blackwood tea-table between us, I placed my feet in line with hers and said, sighing, "Ah, they look very bad, indeed!" She waved a deprecating hand. "Never mind," she said with courtesy and truth, "they may not look so well, but they certainly walk better."
Of course I was glad that the small Alicia belonged to Young China, and would purchase no golden lilies with a cask of tears, as I had often read that every woman with bound feet must do. But I now decided25 that the cask must have been filled in the years of girlhood. For the women about me seemed to suffer no pain—only an occasional numbness26, relieved by brisk massage27 from knee to ankle under the hands of a maid. I was surprised at the ease and energy with which they got[Pg 149] about, merely balancing with small forward and backward steps when stopping—unless they had a servant's arm, or a cane28, for support.
I thought our mother infinitely29 superior in the grace and dignity of her carriage. Madame Springtime, who had slightly enlarged her feet, at the command of her husband, moved slowly and with a lack of grace characteristic of the younger generation. Madame Chang moved ponderously30 and with difficulty. Madame Chau hurried with quick, fluttering steps. On occasion she would even run races with Alfred, our merry second son, now two and a half years old. She would catch his hand, lean forward and hurry him the length of the hall, the two of them laughing gaily31. Now and then I would fold my hands, balance on my heels and essay a "willow32 walk," to the great amusement of Mother and Madame Chau.
Life went on very evenly for me in my[Pg 150] Chinese mother's house after my husband's departure. His father had not come home for his semi-annual visit, and the second son was away again. Even the quiet-mannered third son, who looked just like his mother, and who used to bring me roses from the garden every day, had sailed for the island port to take his place in the family business. We were under a benevolent matriarchate in the snug33 compound among the brown hills now brightening to springtime green.
Madame Liang was infallibly generous and kind. I never heard her speak sharply except occasionally to servants who had by their carelessness caused something to go amiss, impeding34 the smooth progress of daily family life. I used to watch her with interest as she directed the household affairs from the throne of her great bed. She rarely gave her orders at first hand, but would summon a relative or an upper servant, who would receive and pass them[Pg 151] down to those for whom they were intended. This imparted to her orders an empress-like finality and importance. The servants gave her complete allegiance.
She took great pride in conducting me through the complicated structure where generations of Liangs had lived and died. Extending back from the main establishment was a series of smaller ones like it, each with its own courtyard, its main hall containing the family altar, its private chambers35 opening on each side. Similar chains of "homes within a home" extended east and west, at right angles to this central chain. Mother showed me the rooms she had occupied as a bride, with the chamber36 where Chan-King was born, when the older Madame Liang ruled affairs with a firm yet kindly hand. I felt deeply moved by all this, more than ever a part of the family.
I made many small mistakes, I know, in my effort to practise the toleration, industry[Pg 152] and courtesy exemplified in that family group, but Mother, unlike many of the over-sensitive, easily offended Chinese women of her class, was divinely patient. She never asked of me anything that she deemed unfitting for me and she showed a wise discrimination in all the small tasks she assigned. I sometimes accompanied her to the temple, or to the ancestral graves, but only as a spectator. Her religious toleration required no compromise. She wanted me to see where grandparents and great-grandparents were laid to rest. She knew I was interested and filled with respect. To Madame Springtime fell the task of caring for the family altar and keeping up the daily devotions before the sacred shrine37.
This young wife was in every way so typical of the old-fashioned Chinese woman, trained but not educated, disciplined but not broken, that I found her a continual source of interest. She was naturally shy[Pg 153] and silent, but after a time we talked a little, and one day she showed me her bridal trunks of white lacquer with red and gold decorations, filled to the top with her bridal finery, exquisitely folded, and the clothes for her first child, which had been provided by her parents as a part of her wedding outfit38.
This latter custom of Chan-King's native province appealed to me. It was typical of the many simplicities39 I found among my adopted people. Those small, brilliant-coloured garments of padded silk and brocade and linen40 were symbols of hope, good omens41 for happiness and a fruitful marriage. Accustomed as I was to falsely Puritanic ideals concerning the important realities of life—marriage and birth—their frank attitude toward fundamentals, their unquestioning acceptance of the facts of existence came as a pleasant surprise to me.
I liked also the curious contrast between[Pg 154] their simple view of elemental things and the formality and rigour of their personal etiquette42. It is the manner of an old and ever cultivated race, who have long since ceased building at the foundation and are now occupied with the decorations of life.
Their scheme of daily living is based on the firm belief that the normal mode of human existence is family life. To this end it must be preserved at any cost. Life cannot develop in discord43. If the amenities44 are worth anything at all, they are worth preserving constantly and at whatever personal sacrifice.
Life behind the arched gate was so pleasant and so filled with small, daily occupations that I thought little of going about. The village had no theatre. On festal days performances were given by travelling troupes45, on temporary stages, in temples or private houses. But we occasionally attended the theatre in the great city[Pg 155] near, and, when we had guests staying with us for several days, they sometimes accompanied us. We were rather an impressive sight, I fancy, borne at a brisk trot46, in half a dozen sedan-chairs, down the irregular path at dusk, preceded and followed by menservants carrying lanterns.
The children led a sheltered, happy existence, with servants and young relatives to amuse them indoors or without, as the weather permitted. They were liberally supplied, by their indulgent grandmother, with pocket-money in the form of handfuls of coppers47 instead of the strings48 of cash that sufficed an earlier generation. From passing venders they bought bows and arrows of brightly painted bamboo, whistling birds and theatrical49 figures of coloured earthenware50, inflated51 rubber toys and an endless variety of rice-flour cakes, sesame-seed confections, peanut taffy and millet52 candy. On festal days the choice was[Pg 156] wider than ever, with fluffy53 bunches of sugar wool (fine-spun syrup) and brittle54 candy toys blown from molten taffy with all the glass-blower's art, in the form of lanterns, birds and fish, mounted on slender sticks. At certain seasons, there were huge fish made of bamboo frames, paper-covered and realistically painted, which swam in a breeze with lazy grace, or kites similarly fashioned to represent birds and dragons which winged upward in fascinating flight.
There was a limited foreign settlement in this same city and several of the American and British women came to call on me. Some of them were frankly55 curious to know how I had come through the "ordeal56 by family," as one of them expressed it, though of course they were very tactful.
Mother was much interested in these visitors, many of whom—if able to speak Chinese—I presented to her. When they left, she would often ask questions as to their nationality, their husbands' [Pg 157]occupation, the number of their children. As for that question, most of them confessed to one child or, occasionally, two. But I shall never forget the call of a strikingly handsome, auburn-haired woman and the conversation that followed her departure. In reply to the usual inquiry57, I said, "No children at all! But she has five dogs and has just bought, in Shanghai, two more, which are coming down on the next steamer."
"No children at all, and five—seven dogs!" said Mother in tones of horror. And then we burst out laughing. But quickly she grew sober. "Foreign women do not care for children," she said.
"I do," I protested. "I like many children."
"You," said my mother with a smile, "are a Chinese wife."
But happily my next caller was a sweet-faced American woman, the proud mother of six, two of whom she brought[Pg 158] with her. So our national reputation was saved.
In these days, I thought a great deal about intermarriage as a problem. When in Shanghai, a returned student who stayed with us for several days had said to Chan-King afterward58, "I almost married an American girl while I was in college. I wish now I had been brave enough to do so." At that time I felt very sorry for the unknown girl who had missed all the happiness that was coming to me, and now I was more sure than ever of the true quality of my happiness. There was no doubt at all on that score. But I realized the many, many ways in which everything might have been spoiled. Had my husband been less considerate, less sincere and loyal, had his family been less kindly and broad-minded, had I myself been capricious and wilful59 or unable to adapt myself to surroundings, I might every day have plumbed60 the depths of misery61. I decided[Pg 159] that no rules could be made about intermarriage. It was an individual problem, as indeed all marriage must be. So, when a young girl from home wrote to me for advice, believing herself in love with a Chinese classmate, and concluded, "You, Mrs. Liang, must settle the question for me," I answered, as I should not have done a year earlier: "That is a question that you two alone are competent to settle. No one can advise you safely, for a mistake either way may result in lifelong unhappiness. But I might venture to suggest that love strong enough to stand the test of intermarriage does not seek advice. It is sure of itself."
In a household where only my eldest62 son and I spoke63 English, my lingual64 struggles were unexpectedly mild. Chan-King had left me a list of everyday phrases, and my ear grew very keen in my constant efforts to understand the rapid speech going on around me all day long. In a[Pg 160] short while I could understand virtually everything said to me.
During the long conversations that Mother and I had in the quiet of the evening, we talked much of Chan-King and she displayed treasured relics65 of his boyhood: a small jacket of deep red velvet66, a worn cap, a silver toy and the identical schoolbook in which he began the study of English. I loved them all, loved her the more for cherishing them and was made supremely67 happy by being given a photograph of Chan-King at an earlier age than any he possessed68. She was very much interested in all our photographs too. She was vastly amused at Chan-King arrayed for college theatricals69 and, when I brought out pictures of myself at all ages, of my parents and grandparents, she traced family resemblances with unerring perception. Sometimes we looked at magazines that Chan-King sent us from the capital or talked of various foreign customs. I soon[Pg 161] found it very easy to talk with her and with her help I learned also to read and write simple Chinese characters, for a very liberal-minded father had given her educational advantages enjoyed by few girls of her generation.
When the hands of her small ebony clock pointed70 to twelve, she would touch my hand gently and say, "Time for you to sleep."
"But first I must write to Chan-King," I would answer.
She would shake her finger at me with kindly caution. "It is too late," she would answer. "You must sleep."
I would hold out firmly on this point. "But, my mother, if I do not write to Chan-King, I cannot sleep!"
She would assent71 then, and next day I would carry the pages to show her, for my letters to Chan-King and his voluminous responses were a source of much amusement to her. I translated these letters to her as faithfully as my limited Chinese[Pg 162] would allow, and in my letters always added messages dictated72 by her.
I was learning the romanized method of writing Chinese, which for our dialect has been remarkably73 developed and standardized74. Mother was much interested when I showed her how to write familiar words with foreign letters, and Chan-King always answered these messages in kind, though his mother and he carried on a regular correspondence in the Chinese characters.
"Those children write long letters to each other, fifteen and twenty pages at a time," she often told her friends with manifest delight.
Beyond this personal companionship with my mother, which I enjoyed very much, there was no restraint put upon me in any way. I was free to walk out alone, to return calls and to shop in the city.
My own sense of fitness prompted me always to present myself at the door of my mother's apartment before I left the[Pg 163] house, to explain to her the nature of my errand and to ask for her approval. Accepting the little formality for the courtesy it was, she never once demurred75. She was accustomed to this respect, and I saw no reason for withholding76 it. All the invitations I received from acquaintances, either foreign or Chinese, I declined or accepted as she advised, because I relied upon her unfailing knowledge of people and social customs.
Twice during those months of Chan-King's absence death came near. Once it was a clever young boy, an only son, in whom high hopes had been centred; and, then, the young girl who had accompanied Mother to Shanghai. She was no servant in the ordinary sense, but an orphaned77 distant relative of Mother's. Madame Liang was always kind and generous with her, and when, soon after her return from the trip to Shanghai, which had been a great event in her quiet life, a promising78[Pg 164] marriage offer was made, she was sent forth79 to her new home with a complete bridal outfit. Hearing at last of our presence in the family home, she put on her wedding-dress of pale green and came to see me. Her evident pleasure in the meeting touched me poignantly80. With bright eagerness she told me of her husband, her kind mother-in-law. With pride she described her tiny son. After a gay hour with the children she left, promising to come again. But I never saw her afterwards. Death took her abruptly81 from her happiness.
I began to think of death as something not so remote after all. Several times a group of us—children and cousins and friends and servants—made short chair-trips into the hills. The sight of thousands of graves, their stones whitening the hillsides for miles in some places, impressed me more and more with the comparative shortness of life.
Scattered82 over many of these hills are curious monuments of stone, called "widow arches," each one standing83 alone, usually by a roadside, in commemoration of a faithful wife who, in ancient days, killed herself at the death of her husband. A widow who wished to make this sacrifice would, after a short lapse84 of time, announce her intention of committing suicide. The members of her family would erect85 a high stage for her and invite relatives and friends to attend the ceremony. At the chosen hour, the lady would hang herself, and a high stone arch would later be erected86 as a memorial of her devotion and heroism87.
In the Chinese family, the widow who does not remarry receives honour and veneration88 second only to the mother-in-law. With age, she acquires added authority. She is not forbidden to remarry, but the conditions of second marriage are made difficult enough to discourage any but the[Pg 166] most intrepid89. The children of her first husband remain in the house of his people, and the family of her second husband do not give her any too cordial a welcome.
One naturally prefers free will in these things. Yet I had a whole-hearted sympathy with the idea of life-widowhood, long before I dreamed it was to be my portion. Painful as the sight of the "widow arches" was to me at first, my convictions made the Chinese view of them seem not unnatural90, though I knew the custom had been forbidden by imperial edict some two centuries earlier.
Even in the days when Chan-King and I believed that our love would somehow give us earthly immortality91, the idea was strong in me that, to those who loved truly, death could only extinguish the torch for a moment to relight it in the clearer flame of eternity92. Then, I cherished this thought in the background of my mind. Now, I live by it.
For this reason, too, I have always found the Chinese attitude towards the dead very comforting. They never for a moment relinquish93 hold on their loved ones. The anniversary of the day of death is as festal an occasion as the day of birth. The pageant94 of life marches without a break, birth to death and beyond, and birth again, the generations endlessly touching95 mystical hands, until the individual feels himself to be part of an endless procession that passes for a moment into a white light and out again, feels himself touching those who came before and those who come after—one of a long line, bound together irrevocably.
With all their ethics96 of personal sacrifice and their preoccupation with the idea of eternity, the Chinese have no ascetic97 contempt for the material world and they earnestly desire and seek length of days. Among the varied98 symbols and characters used to express good wishes—as health,[Pg 168] honour, riches—those for "long life" hold pre-eminence. They are wrought99 in rings, bracelets100, hair ornaments101, and are sewed into bridal garments and upon children's little coats and caps. I always felt this enormous respect for life in all their daily customs—the preparing of the baby clothes when the bride left her father's house, the nurturing102 and strengthening of the clan with many children, the reverent103 regard for the graves of the ancestors to whom the living owed their grace of existence.
On several occasions I accompanied my mother on her visits to the ancestral graves. I remember the last time, only a few days before Chan-King's return, that I walked with her, holding one of her hands, while with the other she grasped her gold-headed cane. She wore a light costume—a plaited black skirt and lavender "coat" and lovely black kid shoes. Servants followed with her baskets of offerings.
We stood at a respectful distance, in[Pg 169] silence, while she performed her rites104. All about were placed papers, weighted with small stones. She knelt and, clasping her hands, devoutly105 repeated her prayers under her breath. Then, assisted by a servant, she burned the paper symbols of refreshment106 and replenishment107 for the dead. Fire-crackers were exploded to clear the air of evil spirits, and the ceremony was over.
As we returned to the village, everywhere people called out to her from their doorways108 and she invariably replied with friendly courtesy. In the outskirts109 we stopped for rest and a visit to the house of a cousin. When we left, many of the relatives and friends went with us a little way, crying out repeatedly, "Good-bye!" and "Come again, come again soon!" I saw the sunlight on Tiger Mountain; I smelled the saltness of the sea. As we passed around the great boulders110 that hid them from our sight, the modulated111 cadence112 of[Pg 170] their "Come again, come again soon!" floated to us. It was the last time I should hear it as I was then, and I did not even dream that it was so.
For a month I had been expecting the arrival of Chan-King. His letters were always love-letters, with added paragraphs saying that he was getting on well with his work and would have much to tell me of it when he came home. At last a letter told us to expect him by a certain steamer, on a certain day. But schedules were still in confusion because of the war. That steamer was delayed, and Chan-King sailed for another port, meaning to change there. More delays followed. More letters of explanation. More delays again. Mother and I both became heart-sick with hope deferred113. At last, one morning, worn out with watching, I slept later than usual, and on that morning Chan-King came home.
Awakened114 out of a long drowse, I heard a stir in the quiet house, the clang of a[Pg 171] gong, a rush of padded footfalls in the outer hall. Happy voices mingled115 in greeting at the door of my mother's apartment. I threw on my robe, tucked Alicia under my arm and ran across the room, flinging the door open even as Chan-King had his hand raised to knock at the panel. I saw him dimly in the wavering light. He was smiling, and behind him stood his mother, also smiling. Each of us solemnly spoke the other's name, trying to erase116, with a long look, the memory of all those months of absence. Then he saw the baby. "Li-Sia, my thousand catties of gold!" he said, in Chinese. Alicia smiled and held out her arms to him. "She recognizes him!" said Mother, in pleased surprise. We three stood together a moment, silently, gathered around the child. I felt myself more deeply absorbed into the clan—a Chinese woman, dedicated117 anew, heart and spirit, to my adopted people.
Later, Chan-King explained to me the[Pg 172] reason for his home-coming. His legal service for the Government had been completed and his expected appointment had come at last. We were to return to America, where he would be in the Chinese consular118 service. After a period in this work, a bright future in the diplomatic field seemed assured. It meant leaving my beloved China, where I had firmly taken root. But we agreed that the exile would be for only a few years and that we would return surely to our Promised Land, there to enjoy our span of "long life with honour."
Now our leisurely119 existence was broken up to a degree. Almost immediately we set about preparations for our new life in America. Chan-King looked forward with absorbing interest to the change, almost as if he were going home. My instant reaction was one of joy, swiftly followed by sorrow at giving up things now loved and familiar. I wanted to appear [Pg 173]cheerful, as a duty to those around me. I did not want to seem too cheerful, lest Mother should think me glad to go.
In this period, at last, I met my Chinese father. One beautiful day in early autumn, Chan-King and I went down to the city, returning in mid-afternoon. As our chairs were set down before the entrance, the gatekeeper announced to Chan-King his father's arrival. I was filled with swift apprehension120. Again chance had decided my costume: I was wearing, not the conservative Chinese garb121 in which I had met my mother, but a frilly American dress of blue and white summer silk, a white lace hat with black velvet and pink rosebuds122 and white kid shoes. Chan-King had on white flannels123 and a Panama hat. The latter he handed to a servant, as also his cane. As we entered the main room together, a figure rose from beside Mother to receive us. I saw an elderly man of medium height, with grim, [Pg 174]smooth-shaven face and grey hair. He was wearing a long gown of deep blue silk, with a black outer jacket and the usual round cap of black satin. My husband first greeted him and then presented me. While I stood uncertain, there was a courteous124 inclination125 of the grey head, the grimness of expression dissolved in a wonderfully winning smile, and, surprisingly, as Mother had done, my Chinese father extended his hand. I felt that he was interpreting me in the light of all she had told him, that his cordial handclasp and kindly words of welcome were his ratification126 of her judgment127. Then, with a courtly gesture, he assigned me to his lately occupied chair beside Mother, while he and Chan-King took seats together opposite us. Mother smiled into my eyes with her happiest expression. I felt that Chan-King's background was complete. Long before, I had conceived of it as harsh and threatening, but I had now proved it to be wholly kind and protecting. At my[Pg 175] recent fear of this last test I wondered and smiled.
Father was much gratified at finding his grandsons able to converse128 fluently in his native tongue. He would gather them all about him for an hour at a time, asking questions to test their practical knowledge, or telling stories to amuse them. Alicia also delighted him. At simple Chinese commands, she would now clasp her hands or fold them and bow profoundly. Mother was very proud of her wee granddaughter and would often say, "She is just as Chan-King was at her age!" And her husband would invariably assent with an indulgent smile. There existed between these two—conservative types though they were—an evidence of mutual129 affection and respect, of real companionship, that touched me profoundly. I was glad that Father was to be with Mother when Chan-King and I took ourselves and our three children from the home where, according to the old[Pg 176] Chinese custom, we all rightfully belonged.
The question of leaving one or more of our children there for a time was discussed one afternoon later.
"Under ordinary circumstances," said Father to Chan-King, "you would go alone, as your brother does, leaving your entire family with us. At the very least, you would allow one child to remain in your stead. But of course your mother and I understand that these are not ordinary circumstances. Your wife is an American. She has been considerate of our point of view in many ways—more than we expected—and in this matter we do not fail to consider hers, which is no doubt your own as well. We understand that according to the American view the children belong with their parents, always. We cannot, of course, deny your right to this manner of living. But we want you to feel that, if you can leave even one child with us, we shall be very happy. You[Pg 177] understand what protection and care will be given it."
For a moment there was silence. My heart was very full, and, even had it been my place to speak, I should have been unable to do so. Mentally I pictured Mother's loneliness at losing so many of her children. Vainly I tried to imagine our home in America with even one small face missing. I watched my husband, noted130 the tiny traces of conflict in his face, impassive perhaps to the casual glance. At last he spoke.
"Father, mother," he began earnestly, "we do indeed appreciate your great kindness and generosity131. You will understand that, just as you understand most truly our situation. We know that here with you our children would have many advantages that we, perhaps, cannot give them. But which one could we leave to enjoy those advantages? Not Wilfred, for he is our eldest son, on whom we place great[Pg 178] dependence132. And Alfred—of us all he seems least fitted for the southern climate. The summer heat has left him a little pale and listless. He needs the sea voyage. As for Alicia, she is the baby, and our only daughter. Do not think us unmindful of all you have done. But I fear we should not know how to make our home without our children."
After all, it was evidently not unexpected. They shook their heads a trifle ruefully at each other and then smiled.
"Very well," Father assented133. "But this you must promise: that at intervals134, whenever your work permits, you will come back—all of you—and spend a year with us again. Do not let the children forget us nor their Chinese speech. In four years, at most, all come back together."
We promised readily, Mother and I repeating the phrase to each other, "In four more years, all come back together." Our eyes were full of tears.
That night I said to my husband, "We should have left one of them."
But Chan-King was a clearer thinker, just then, and knew the truth of this situation better than I did. "Which one?" he asked me significantly, in a tone that made me see the essential hollowness of my protest.
On the Sunday before our ship sailed, Chan-King and I bade farewell to China. In company with our parents and many other relatives we walked to the top of a very high hill, where an old temple, which commanded a magnificent view for miles around, crouched135 contentedly136 among the rocks, in the grey sunshine. It was a temple of the three religions, with huge stone images of Confucius, Buddha137 and Lao-tse grouped in its outer court. Together, Chan-King and I climbed to the crest138 of the terraced rock. I looked about me, down upon the proud, bright little village, alert and colourful on the hill-side, upon the[Pg 180] scattered fertile patches in the midst of the barren mountains where tigers build their lairs139. The eternal hills swept the lowering, clouded skies, rolling away from us, silent, shadow-filled. A surging love of the very soil under my feet, a clinging to the earth of China, overwhelmed me. I wished to kneel down and kiss that beloved dust. "Oh, Chan-King," I said, shaking with emotion, "This is home! I wish we were not leaving, even for a day!"
"We will come again soon," he said, in Chinese, "and we will live here when we are old."
That evening we sat together in the quiet garden. From Mother's apartments came the sound of her young nephew's voice as he chanted his morrow's lessons. We heard the subdued140 merriment of two little maids, teasing each other in the hall beyond. Along the outer path a sedan-chair passed with rhythmic141 sway, the bamboo supports creaking a soft accompaniment to[Pg 181] the pad-pad of the bearers' sandalled feet.
From varying distances came the clang of a brass142 gong, shuddering143 on the stillness, the staccato sound of slender bamboo sticks shaken together in a cylindrical144 box, the measured beat of a small drum-rattle, as the different street venders announced their wares145. Over the hills, now purple in twilight146, the round moon swung leisurely into the violet sky. Strange breaths of incense147 were wafted148 about us. The sea-breeze stirred the branches of a dragon's-eye tree close by, where the ripening149 fruit-balls tapped gently against each other like little swaying lanterns. For long moments we sat in silence, with clasped hands.
Out of that silence my husband spoke softly, words I had long yearned150 to hear: "Absence, Margaret, teaches many things. Once it showed you your own heart. This time it has taught me to believe with you in the immortality of love like ours. Physically151, we may be separated at times,[Pg 182] but mentally, spiritually, you and I are one for all eternity."
The moon rose higher, golden, perfect, even as our love.
A few days later, we sailed for America. The rest may be told in a few words, for, after all, no words could adequately tell it. A week after our arrival in America, Chan-King was stricken with influenza152. For several years he had been in the shadow of a slow illness, but with stout153 resistance and such buoyant recurring154 periods of good health that we had for a time almost forgotten that early and sinister155 threat. But those years of struggle were all thrown into the balance against him when the decisive hour came. After six days, he died. Quietly, with terrible implacability, death closed over him. We feared a sudden end, it is true, but were still incredulous of such a calamity156. We gave each other what assurance we could: our ultimate farewells were simple renewals157 of faith, a[Pg 183] firmer tightening158 of our hands for our walk in darkness. "Of all the world, you are my love," he said, many times. "More than anyone else you have understood, you have been unfailing—you have been my wife." And, almost as he spoke, my arms held no longer my living beloved, but only the clay where his spirit had been and would come no more.
So, by the visible evidences, my history is finished. But it has begun anew for me, not as I wished, not as I hoped, but on a level that I can endure. For I have my children and my memories and my home in China, which waits with the gentle healing of sight and sound and place ... and I have learned that in love, and only in love, we can wring159 spiritual victory out of this defeat of the body.
The End
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1
benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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pebbles
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| [复数]鹅卵石； 沙砾； 卵石，小圆石( pebble的名词复数 ) | |
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canopy
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| n.天篷，遮篷 | |
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embroidery
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| n.绣花，刺绣；绣制品 | |
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paraphernalia
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| n.装备；随身用品 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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clan
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| n.氏族，部落，宗族，家族，宗派 | |
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precarious
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| adj.不安定的，靠不住的；根据不足的 | |
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coaxingly
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| adv. 以巧言诱哄，以甘言哄骗 | |
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14
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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approbation
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| n.称赞；认可 | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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embroidered
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| adj．绣花的 | |
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frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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tenaciously
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| 坚持地 | |
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abolition
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| n.废除，取消 | |
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exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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numbness
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| n.无感觉，麻木，惊呆 | |
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massage
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| n.按摩，揉；vt.按摩，揉，美化，奉承，篡改数据 | |
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28
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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ponderously
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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32
willow
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| n.柳树 | |
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33
snug
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| adj.温暖舒适的，合身的，安全的；v.使整洁干净，舒适地依靠，紧贴；n.（英）酒吧里的私房 | |
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34
impeding
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| a.(尤指坏事)即将发生的，临近的 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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37
shrine
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| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
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38
outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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simplicities
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| n.简单，朴素，率直( simplicity的名词复数 ) | |
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40
linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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41
omens
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| n.前兆，预兆( omen的名词复数 ) | |
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42
etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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43
discord
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| n.不和，意见不合，争论，（音乐）不和谐 | |
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44
amenities
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| n.令人愉快的事物；礼仪；礼节；便利设施；礼仪( amenity的名词复数 )；便利设施；（环境等的）舒适；（性情等的）愉快 | |
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45
troupes
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| n. （演出的）一团, 一班 vi. 巡回演出 | |
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46
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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47
coppers
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| 铜( copper的名词复数 )； 铜币 | |
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48
strings
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| n.弦 | |
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49
theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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50
earthenware
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| n.土器，陶器 | |
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51
inflated
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| adj.（价格）飞涨的；（通货）膨胀的；言过其实的；充了气的v.使充气（于轮胎、气球等）( inflate的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）膨胀；（使）通货膨胀；物价上涨 | |
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52
millet
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| n.小米，谷子 | |
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53
fluffy
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| adj.有绒毛的，空洞的 | |
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54
brittle
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| adj.易碎的；脆弱的；冷淡的；(声音)尖利的 | |
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55
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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56
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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57
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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58
afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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59
wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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60
plumbed
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| v.经历( plumb的过去式和过去分词 )；探究；用铅垂线校正；用铅锤测量 | |
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61
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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62
eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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63
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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64
lingual
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| adj.语言的；舌的 | |
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65
relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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66
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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67
supremely
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| adv.无上地，崇高地 | |
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68
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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69
theatricals
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| n.（业余性的）戏剧演出，舞台表演艺术；职业演员；戏剧的( theatrical的名词复数 )；剧场的；炫耀的；戏剧性的 | |
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70
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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71
assent
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| v.批准，认可；n.批准，认可 | |
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72
dictated
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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73
remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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74
standardized
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| adj.标准化的 | |
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75
demurred
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| v.表示异议，反对( demur的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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76
withholding
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| 扣缴税款 | |
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77
orphaned
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| [计][修]孤立 | |
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78
promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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79
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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80
poignantly
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81
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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82
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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83
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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84
lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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85
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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86
ERECTED
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| adj. 直立的，竖立的，笔直的 vt. 使 ... 直立，建立 | |
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87
heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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88
veneration
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| n.尊敬，崇拜 | |
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89
intrepid
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| adj.无畏的，刚毅的 | |
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90
unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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91
immortality
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| n.不死，不朽 | |
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92
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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93
relinquish
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| v.放弃，撤回，让与，放手 | |
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94
pageant
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| n.壮观的游行；露天历史剧 | |
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95
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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97
ascetic
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| adj.禁欲的；严肃的 | |
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98
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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99
wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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100
bracelets
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| n.手镯，臂镯( bracelet的名词复数 ) | |
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101
ornaments
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| n.装饰( ornament的名词复数 )；点缀；装饰品；首饰v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的第三人称单数 ) | |
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102
nurturing
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| 养育( nurture的现在分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长 | |
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103
reverent
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| adj.恭敬的，虔诚的 | |
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104
rites
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| 仪式，典礼( rite的名词复数 ) | |
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105
devoutly
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| adv.虔诚地，虔敬地，衷心地 | |
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106
refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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107
replenishment
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| n.补充(货物) | |
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108
doorways
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| n.门口，门道( doorway的名词复数 ) | |
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109
outskirts
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| n.郊外，郊区 | |
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110
boulders
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| n.卵石( boulder的名词复数 )；巨砾；（受水或天气侵蚀而成的）巨石；漂砾 | |
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111
modulated
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| 已调整[制]的，被调的 | |
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112
cadence
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| n.（说话声调的）抑扬顿挫 | |
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113
deferred
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| adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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114
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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115
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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116
erase
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| v.擦掉；消除某事物的痕迹 | |
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dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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consular
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| a.领事的 | |
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leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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122
rosebuds
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| 蔷薇花蕾，妙龄少女，初入社交界的少女( rosebud的名词复数 ) | |
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123
flannels
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| 法兰绒男裤； 法兰绒( flannel的名词复数 ) | |
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124
courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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125
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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126
ratification
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| n.批准，认可 | |
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127
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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128
converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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131
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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132
dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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134
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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crouched
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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contentedly
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| adv.心满意足地 | |
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137
Buddha
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| n.佛；佛像；佛陀 | |
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138
crest
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| n.顶点；饰章；羽冠；vt.达到顶点；vi.形成浪尖 | |
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139
lairs
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| n.（野兽的）巢穴，窝( lair的名词复数 )；（人的）藏身处 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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rhythmic
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| adj.有节奏的，有韵律的 | |
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142
brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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143
shuddering
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| v.战栗( shudder的现在分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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144
cylindrical
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| adj.圆筒形的 | |
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wares
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| n. 货物, 商品 | |
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146
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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incense
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| v.激怒；n.香，焚香时的烟，香气 | |
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148
wafted
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| v.吹送，飘送，（使）浮动( waft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ripening
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| v.成熟，使熟( ripen的现在分词 )；熟化；熟成 | |
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yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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152
influenza
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| n.流行性感冒，流感 | |
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154
recurring
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| adj.往复的，再次发生的 | |
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155
sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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157
renewals
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| 重建( renewal的名词复数 )； 更新； 重生； 合同的续订 | |
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158
tightening
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| 上紧，固定，紧密 | |
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159
wring
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| n.扭绞；v.拧，绞出，扭 | |
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