He was an only son, and as such, of course, petted by his father and spoiled by his mother.
Mrs. Mumbles had been in early life a lady's-maid, and, while in her waiting upon the Honourable4 Miss Languish5, was employed not so much in millinery as novel reading, which she used to read to her young lady from morning till night, and from night till morning.
The tales which took the fancy of the Honourable Miss Languish, and which were echoed from the mouth and mind of Miss Squeamish were those of 'high romance,' as it is termed. Young, handsome, virtuous6, and valiant7 heroes going through more wonderful adventures than our poor Mosette in her nine lives, and poor Neddy Bray8 in his, I do not know how many.
Then there must be, to please these novel readers, extraordinary situations, wonderful incidents, perplexing difficulties, overwhelming disasters, strange providences, and miraculous9 escapes, together with a proper assemblage of old castles, ruined tombs, yawning cloisters10, grim[Pg 276] vaults11, mouldering12 coffins13, unearthly sounds, awful visitations, spiritual appearances; ghosts in white sheets, with bleeding bosoms15: hobgoblins with saucer eyes, fierce claws, and long tails; and catastrophes16 so tremendous as to set the hair on end, and convulse the whole frame with the delight of tenor17, and the tenor of delight.
Such was the food of Miss Squeamish, afterwards Mrs. Mumbles, in her early days.
And she used to read and read and read till she looked upon the world in which she had to get her living as no world of hers, but a sort of common sphere made on purpose for tradespeople, washer-women, and cart-driving. She revelled18 in a world of the romances, where everything was made as it ought to be, where the virtuous were always rewarded and the wicked always punished, where high and noble sentiments met with the reception they deserved, and disinterestedness19 was duly appreciated, where passion and impulse, unmixed with the care of consequences, were held as the glory of both sexes, and everything that was fair and bright and beautiful, and free and elegant and good, shone triumphantly20 to the glory of the heroes and heroines who figured always so splendidly in these romantic pages.
But at last all these bright visions were to end. Miss Languish died of a consumption brought on from lying in bed night and morning to read novels. And Miss Squeamish, afterwards Mrs. Mumbles, was forced to turn out into the world to seek her living—into that very world which was so odious21 to her. But there was no resource, and so the lady who had been identified with so many heroines was obliged to set up as a milliner and dressmaker in the little town of Scrambles.
But the poor young woman soon found out that[Pg 277] things were carried on in this world in a manner radically22 different from that in which the romances pictured. She soon found out that mutton was eightpence halfpenny a pound, and that if she did not look well after her butcher she would find her pound and a half of mutton chops weighing not quite a pound and a quarter; that bread was ten-pence a loaf, and that the baker23 was no more romantic than the butcher, and would, unless he was checked every day, find means to put down a 'dead one'; and that the milkman's chalk had got a notch24 in it, and would make two strokes instead of one. In short, that there was at the bottom of this best of all possible worlds a vast amount of sheer roguery.
The consequence of Miss Squeamish's want of a knowledge of all this was that she soon found out the impossibility of being able to make things come together—'to make ends meet'—as the saying is.
She floundered about in her business for a year or two, but grew poorer and poorer, got in debt largely with her grocer, baker, and butcher, and at last was obliged to stop for want of funds.
But it is an old proverb that 'when one door shuts another opens,' and this was the only part of Miss Squeamish's philosophy which had ever come true. No sooner was her shop shut up than the bills came in, and with Mrs. Shambles25' bill the copy of a writ26, so that Miss Squeamish was on the high road to a prison. But fortune sometimes favours those who will not favour themselves, and it somehow or other happened that Miss Squeamish pleaded so eloquently28 for herself and her destitute29 situation with Mr. Mumbles, the very fat butcher and her principal creditor30, that he agreed to cancel his debt and pay the others on condition that Miss Squeamish would become Mrs. Mumbles.[Pg 278]
And Mrs. Mumbles she did become. For Mr. Mumbles was very rich, and although in person he was not very imposing31 he made up in quantity for what he wanted in quality, and the prospect32 of plenty of meat and a good name to one destitute of either had such an effect on Miss Squeamish as to put to flight all her visionary ideas of perfection—love in a cottage and platonic33 affection—and she settled down, in appearance at least, as a very spruce butcher's wife, and took to caps, aprons34, and blue ribands.
Mr. Mumbles was a thrifty35 man, and had been so all his life. He was about fifty years of age, and not disposed to alter his habits, but he required Mrs. Mumbles to alter hers. He proceeded, therefore, to give his worthy spouse36 some initiatory37 instructions in the art of jointing a scrag of mutton, cutting out a pluck, or chinning a whole sheep upon an occasion. This was very different from novel reading. She had, indeed, read of knights40 cleaving41 their adversaries42 from the 'chaps to the chine,' and of 'sticking to the heart,' and sometimes fancied, as she made a blow upon some unfortunate leg of mutton, which required shanking, that this would she do to the Knight39 of the Black Visage, or the cruel Tyrant43 of the Bloody44 Tower, or the Renegades of the Cross, or any other anti-hero, so that it might be said romance was scotched45 in her, not killed, as we shall hear in the sequel.
After Miss Squeamish became Mrs. Mumbles she determined46 to endeavour to 'civilize47' her husband, as she called it. It did not follow because he was a butcher that he was to have butchering ideas for ever, or that he was to know nothing of 'literature,' as she termed it—that is, novels. Mr. Mumbles had read 'Puss in Boots,' 'Jack48 the Giant Killer,' 'Tom Thumb,' 'Jack and the[Pg 279] Bean Stalk,' 'Whittington and his Cat,' and 'Mother Goose' in his childhood. In his boyhood he had gone through 'Robinson Crusoe,' 'The Pilgrim's Progress,' and 'The Seven Champions of Christendom,' and therefore knew there was something in the world besides scrags of mutton.
Having made these discoveries Mrs. Mumbles was determined to put her husband under regular training, to win him, by degrees, from his boorish49 estate to that of poetry and refinement50. She looked at his unwieldy bulk—it was not exactly the size for a hero, but then she thought of bluff51 Harry52 the Eighth, who was both stout53 and romantic, and the Field of the Cloth of Gold, and so as Mr. Mumbles became romantic she made up her mind to put up with his stoutness54.
Mr. Mumbles had no other relaxation55 on a summer's evening than a game of bowls, but as his fat increased so did his difficulty of playing this noble game. He used to think that once down it would require something more than the levers of his legs to lift him up again. So just as Mr. Mumbles had made up his mind within himself to leave off bowls did Mrs. Mumbles think of making him a hero outright56. But she went cautiously about her work. She knew that to change the man she must first change the mind, and therefore she commenced her operations upon the mental part of Mr. Mumbles.
Her first thought was as to the kind of hero she was to train him into. She would not like him to be a 'Jack Sheppard,' for fear he might break into some lady's heart with a crowbar of his impudence57. Nor would she like him to be a 'Eugene Aram,' for fear he should make a mistake and hang her some night instead of himself. He seemed fitter for a 'Jack Falstaff' than anything else. But Falstaff was too witty58 for a hero, and she thought,[Pg 280] perhaps, that if he laughed any more he would be only so much the fatter.
She therefore put into his hands the most sentimental59 exotics of the publishing firms. There was the 'Elegant Maniac60; or, the Snuff-coloured Rose and the Field of Silver,' a beautiful romance. Then there was the 'Sentimental Footpad; or, Honour among Thieves.' And 'Syngenesia,' the last of the melancholies; with the 'Knight of the Snorting Palfrey; or, the Silken Fetlock.' These works she read to Mr. Mumbles on evenings instead of suffering him to repair to his bowls, and after a short time had the satisfaction to find him a ready and an eager listener. She read and read and read, and he became more and more interested, till at last he could scarcely find time to serve a customer if one happened to come in when the hero was in some 'interesting situation.'
And so Mr. Mumbles began to find his business decline, for at last he would have his novel in his hand on a Saturday night, and would ask his customers concerning this or that book, which he happened to have been reading during the week. He would forget to joint38 the loins of mutton, to pickle61 the stale beef, to send out his orders; in short, his customers were treated with such neglect that his trade, long vacillating between going on and going off, suddenly stopped.
Nor did Mr. Mumbles care a whit14 for it, as he was rich when his father died, had grown richer since, and was worth at least ten thousand pounds in houses, lands, and money. He would soon have given up his business had it not given up him, and therefore when somebody told him it was time to 'shut up shop,' he said: 'Yes, and I intend to do it.'
Suiting the action to the word he forthwith began to retire. All the beasts and beastesses were sold off with[Pg 281] the goodwill62 of the shop, the blocks, cleavers63, hooks, and jemmies. And Mr. Mumbles planned out a house in a secluded65 spot about a mile from the town. It was to be called Mumbles Castle, and was to be built in the old English or baronial style, with turrets66, low doors, battlements, arch windows, and gothic mouldings. The grand hall was twenty feet by fifteen, the armoury half the size, the refectory fourteen by fourteen. A long passage leading to the adjacent pigsties68 was called the corridor, and the bedchambers, four in number, were dignified69 with the names of the griffin room, the martlet, the rampant70 lion, and the wild boar, such being a part of the newly-formed armorial bearing of the Mumbles.
The adjacent grounds were also laid out in a style corresponding with the castle. There was, among other arrangements for the comfort and delight of visitors, a tournament court, an archery ground, and a hawking71 mound72. Certainly they were not of very extraordinary dimensions, but they were rather beyond the general scale of the other parts of the building. Mrs. Mumbles had in contemplation to give a grand fête of some kind or other. Mumbles talked of the house-warming, but that was vulgar. But at last, to ease all difficulties on this score, Master Marmaduke Tristram St. George Mumbles was born.
When it was ascertained73 that provision for a baby was necessary Mr. Mumbles determined that everything should be conducted according to the established laws of chivalry74. But having searched in vain among romances to find how such matters were managed, he gave up the matter in despair. He found that all romances having come to a marriage suddenly stopped. This was very perplexing, but there was no help for it, and as Master Marmaduke was in a hurry to come into the world he was[Pg 282] born before his father and mother could arrange the solemn order of the proceedings75.
But both Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles were determined that the christening should be conducted upon a scale of all conceivable splendour. There was no precedent76 for it, but then there was less likelihood of any mistake or more room for the fancy. But a gothic christening it was to be—a gothic christening it should be—a gothic christening it must be.
And what would redound77 to the glory of so mighty78 an event? This was the consideration, this was the feat79 to be achieved. Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles had many a discourse80 upon the subject at breakfast, dinner, and supper, at morning, noon, and night, but still the happy idea was too good to strike them suddenly.
At last Mrs. Mumbles had a dream. She dreamed of a tournament, and of all the glory of such an event. Polished helms, furbished arms, clang of trumpets81, waving of banners and plumes82, clouds of dust, clash of swords, unhorsing of knights, and outcry of heralds83. When she awoke, she said emphatically to Mr. Mumbles, as he was beginning to take his morning yawn: 'I've hit it'; and gave him a sharp stroke on his wigless84 pate85.
'I think you have,' said Mr. Mumbles, 'and I would thank you not to hit quite so hard. But what do you mean, my dear Celestia?'
'Mean,' replied the delighted spouse—'mean that I have hit upon a plan for doing honour to the birth of our son and heir, of the propagator of the glory of our house, and of the renowned86 name of Mumbles.'
'Have you, by gowls?' said Mr. Mumbles. 'What is it?'
'A tournament,' said she, 'a tournament, that glory of the chivalric87 ages; will it not be gloriously delightful88 to[Pg 283] see once more "the light of other days" upon us? To see those battlements decked with the banners of the house of Mumbles, to hear the clarion89 ring, to listen to the strains of martial90 music, to see the lounge and thrust and anvil91 blow, knights unhorsed, armour67 riven, helms cloven.'
'It would be a good go,' said Mr. Mumbles.
'A good go; it would be a go and three-quarters—at least, according to your own phraseology. I think myself truly happy at having been blessed with such a revelation, and pray that I may be strengthened to perform my part of the ceremony.'
'And what may that be?' said Mr. Mumbles.
'Why of course I must be the queen of beauty, and you must be my king consort92. The knights, having arranged themselves, must, first of all, pay their respects to me, and then the victor must kneel before me, and receive from my hands the richly-embroidered93 scarf and the crowning garland.'
'Well, it will be a grand day—an epoch94 in my existence—a sort of hera. I think they call it a hera. And if we could get the band of the Scrambles Volunteer Company it would be excellent; if not, I think I know some music that would suit.'
'What is that?' inquired Mrs. Mumbles.
'The marrow-bones and cleavers; they are very pretty music, and I should like them, band or no band.'
'The marrow-bones and cleavers,' said Mrs. Mumbles in astonishment95.
'Yes,' said Mr. Mumbles, 'it was my glory when I was a boy, and we used to have them all rung at christenings and weddings. I have heard say that at my christening and at my mother's marriage they rang a treble bob-major.'[Pg 284]
'And pray, what is a bob-major?' inquired Mrs. Mumbles. 'I have heard of a serjeant-major and a drum-major, but never heard of a bob-major.'
'A bob-major,' rejoined the elated butcher, 'is a long tune27, that puzzles you to know when you will get to the end of it, and so you stand and wait and wait, till at last, all of a sudden, it stops.'
'And how does it go, my dear? Is it a pretty tune?'
'I should think it was a pretty tune—like the church bells, only more cutting, as it might be expected, from its coming from cleavers. It has made me cry like a child, Mrs. Mumbles.'
'I hope it won't make baby cry.'
'I hope not; but, cry or no cry, we must have it, and any other music you like.'
This point being settled the ardent96 pair began to prepare, with the greatest alacrity97, for the forthcoming fête.
Mrs. Mumbles declared that no expense should be spared to make the proceedings go off with éclat, and Mr. Mumbles began to fidget himself concerning the tournament laws, rules, and regulations.
The principal difficulty was, however, in inducing others to take a part in this strange whim98. Had it been bull-baiting or badger-drawing or cock-throwing or horse and donkey racing99, hundreds would have been found ready to engage in the sport. But for a tournament! Most people did not even know the name of it, and Mr. Mumbles' description was in no way calculated to elucidate100 its mysteries, so that few seemed to care about lending themselves to the fête.
There was, however, in the town of Scrambles a sharp dapper lawyer's clerk, who saw at once into the affair and what a frolic it might be made. He therefore[Pg 285] wrote a civil note to Mr. Mumbles, in which he expressed his delight at the forthcoming novelty, and offered himself as a candidate for the white silken scarf which was to be the reward of the victor in the field.
The letter being couched in chivalric language, and ornamented101 with armorial bearings, delighted Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles above all things. They now felt a prospect of the realization102 of their fondest hopes, and began to prepare accordingly. The lawyer's clerk, whose name was Quiddity, also set about publishing the whole of the matter abroad. He soon succeeded in inducing a number of young men and maidens103 to favour the joke, and to lend themselves to it. He explained the insane folly104 of this worthy pair with such irresistible105 drollery106 that everyone was eager to be one of the favoured company.
On the next interview Mr. Mumbles, delighted with the report of Quiddity, addressed him with truly dignified solemnity.
'Sir Knight,' said he, 'thou hast done thy spirit gently. Thy wondrous107 works have found favour in mine eyes; be thou our warden108 from this time, and for evermore.'
'With leave to thrust or lance,' said Quiddity; 'for I would not forego a rencontre for the lord-wardenship109 of the cinque ports.'
'Sink me if you shall not tilt110 with me rather than that you should not display your prowess. On the morning of that auspicious111 day will I dissolve thee from the wardenship, and give thee freedom to thy knighthood. I will, with my own hands, buckle112 on thy armour, with my right hand place a spear in thy grasp, and with my left salute113 thee.'
'And for me,' said Mrs. Mumbles, 'I will choose thee[Pg 286] for my own dear knight, and thou shalt fight under my banner, and be victorious114; and then, when thou resist from the field of glory, will I embrace thee, and thou shalt be the envy of all beholders.'
'We'll stow that,' said Mr. Mumbles, who did not appear to like the embracing part of the ceremony. 'But let us now form a committee of ways and means—that is to say, let us concoct115 the thing in a regular manner.'
And so the three concoctors sat down to arrange the order of the proceedings.
'And, first and foremost,' said Mr. Mumbles, 'we must have seats raised round the tilting116 coast, and a platform built at one end. Then at the other end must be a barrier for the knights to come in at; and then we must have a long pole straight across the ground, to prevent the horses falling foul117 of each other; and then we must have flags at different stations, charged with the armorial bearings of the knights, with their crests119 on the top of them.'
'And then,' said Mrs. Mumbles, taking up the same strain, 'we must begin to think of dresses. For my part, I shall wear a white satin robe, trimmed with silver lilies, and a scarf of azure120 blue, richly embroidered with gold. Seven ostrich121 plumes shall wave from my brow; a lion's skin shall be spread for my feet; all my jewels shall be displayed to the best advantage; and I think I shall, upon the whole, be pretty considerably122 imposing. As to Mr. Mumbles, I intend to have him dressed in a manner which shall be unique, imposing, and captivating.'
'We will first draw out a programme of the proceedings,' said Quiddity, 'and then we can select the various personages who are to be honoured with having a part in the ceremony.'
'Good,' said Mr. Mumbles.[Pg 287]
'And I shall head it the "Mumblonian Tournament," and publish a challenge to all the world to deny the peerless beauty of Mrs. Mumbles.'
'But won't that be coming it rather strong? I should like you to draw it pretty mild,' ejaculated Mr. Mumbles.
'Not a bit too strong,' said Mrs. Mumbles, with a toss of her head. 'Go on, pray, Mr. Quiddity.'
So Mr. Quiddity went on:
'And then, of course, we should find persons sending in their defiance123, and extolling124 other dames125, and therefore we should have all our knights, squires126, horses, armour, and so on.'
'But must we not publish regulations afterwards?' observed Mumbles.
'Of course we must. That is to say, every knight who professes127 his readiness to break a lance must provide himself with horse, weapons, and esquire, and send in his certificate of noble blood and knightly128 bearing.'
'But where shall we place the proclamation?'
'On the doors of the church, certainly; upon the "cage"; upon the "pound"; and other public institutions of our country.'
'Good,' said Mr. Mumbles; 'I like to honour the institutions of my country, and therefore I would not have forgotten the parish pump.'
'Certainly not, my dear sir. Well, then, we must apply to the schoolmaster to let us have, on hire, the boys and girls of the national schools to walk in order before the procession, with silver wands in their hands and blue ribands in their hats, while the girls should be dressed all in white like nymphs, and strew129 flowers.'
'Capital,' said Mr. Mumbles; 'and then we can give them a tuck-out with rolls and treacle130; won't the boys like it—ay, and the girls too! Lawks! how I did laugh[Pg 288] once to see girls eat rolls and treacle! They beat the boys out and out at that fun. They dabbed131 the treacle into each other's eyes, and roped it over each other's shoulders, and swung it into each other's faces, like good 'uns. There is nothing like girls for a spree; when they do begin, they beat the boys hollow.'
'Well, then,' continued Quiddity, 'I thought of hiring for a day the old workhouse women, to act as matrons or sibyls, as the case may be. They will be a pretty contrast to the "gals132." And, that they may not cry out, we will treat them all to a pound of snuff apiece, and a new dress.'
'And a red brocade petticoat each, and a Margaret of Anjou cap or hat.'
'What, one of those with a long poke133 behind like a rolling-pin, and a veil at the end of it?' said Mr. Mumbles.
'Just so, my dear,' replied the lady; 'and they must have one stocking red and the other blue.'
'Ay, ay,' rejoined Mumbles, with an arch look, 'I know the reason of that; you fancy but for this expedient134 that in the crowd the old ladies would not otherwise know one leg from the other.'
'You are quite wrong, my dear; but we must follow the ancient costume, you know, or else we shall be laughed at.'
'What shall be next?' said Mr. Quiddity.
'Ay, what next, my dear?' said Mrs. Mumbles, who seemed herself to be got to her wits' end.
'Why, I was thinking, love, that after the old women we should have a bullock, dressed with blue ribands, and garnished135 with flowers, roasted whole.'
'Yes, upon the green, after the sports,' said Mrs. Mumbles; 'and, as I should like the whole of the ceremony to conclude with a bonfire and a discharge of fireworks,[Pg 289] the fire that is to roast the bullock can be kept up, which will be killing136 two birds with one stone, you know.'
And thus the preliminaries for the grand entertainment were settled by the three who were to be chief actors in it. Quiddity, in the very frolicsomeness137 of his heart, now canvassed138 the town, and, with little difficulty, succeeded in bringing a number of persons into the plot or joke; and banners were prepared, armour was provided, and arms of every description brought into requisition.
At last the important day arrived. It was ushered139 in by a discharge of firearms from the back of the butcher's premises140. A squadron of horsemen next paraded the town on horses, ponies141, and donkeys, with the marrow-bones and cleavers, and rung most dolorous142 music. Mr. Mumbles arose from his bed at earliest dawn, and, having breakfasted, set to enrobing himself as a grand grandee143 of the first order. His dress was of the time of Louis XIV. of France, frilled and furbelowed; and, when fully144 arranged, Mr. Mumbles looked like a real Prince, and Mrs. Mumbles held up her hands in astonishment and delight.
The back premises of Mr. Mumbles had been already prepared; a rude scaffolding, with seats, skirted three sides of a quadrangle, to which admission was to be obtained for the small charge of one penny, the whole of the proceeds to go to the Institution for the Cure of Rheumatism145. The people mustered147 in large numbers, and, although the tournament joust148 did not boast of many lords and ladies, or persons of high ancestral lineage, yet everyone was, according to Adamic heraldry, a perfect gentleman or lady in their own right; for they all bore arms, with the exception of Jack Sprat, the bellman, who could only muster146 one, with which he rang his bell.
In the centre of the platform, at the upper end, was a[Pg 290] raised seat, and a canopy149 over it. The seat was covered with yellow baize, and the canopy was formed of the hangings of Mr. Mumbles' best spare bed. It was red, bordered with yellow, which hung in fanciful festoons, and a richly-carved bed-foot on each gave the whole a very imposing appearance. On this raised seat, which was made to hold two, were placed two armchairs, richly gilt150, and around these were other chairs for persons of distinction, who now began to arrive in pretty considerable numbers. First, there was the Grand Master of the Odd Fellows, with a numerous retinue151, with their emblematical152 tools, flags, banners, and devices. He entered the arena153 amid the clang of trumpets and the roll of drums, and proceeded to the place assigned him. Then came the President of the Anti-Lie-a-Bed Society, with a whole troop of boys and girls who had been cured of this great sin by drinking half a pint154 of yeast155 overnight, which made them rise early in the morning. They were received by 'artificial cock-crowing' by the gallant156 showman, who had a place assigned him as underwarden. Then came a batch157 of young damsels, all in white, being chimney-sweepers' daughters; and after them a flourish of trumpets—that is, cow-horns—a squadron of costermongers' donkey-lads mounted, with their pocket-handkerchiefs floating from the vulnerable point of 'bean-sticks.'
Next came the redoubtable158 Mr. Mumbles himself, leading Mrs. Mumbles by the hand, preceded by the young lawyer Quiddity. He ascended159 the throne provided for him with extraordinary dignity, and, having made a bow to the company by putting his hand to one of his curls, as if to pull his head down, and giving a scrape with his foot behind, the whole assembly burst out with a simultaneous cheer—'Mumbles for ever! Mumbles for ever!'
Soon after Mr. Mumbles had seated himself the clang[Pg 291] of trumpets was heard, and Quiddity appeared on a splendid pony160, richly caparisoned, with a hearthrug under his saddle as a saddle-cloth, having in one hand his baton161 of office, and in the other a banner. After making his obeisance162 to the king and queen of the tournament, Mrs. and Mr. Mumbles, he took his place in the centre. Immediately the horns were blown, the mob shouted, and Quiddity read the following proclamation:
'To all whom it may concern, and to our beloved Neighbours, greeting,
'With a view to do away with and put down the cowardly, dastardly, and ungenteel sports of bull-baiting, badger-baiting, fox-hunting, pigeon-shooting, and other wicked and cruel amusements, we, John Mumbles and Co., King of Chivalry, Grand Master of this Tournament, invite all persons, gentlemen born, to engage in, and others to witness, trials of skill, might, prowess, and magnanimity by means of tilt, combat, or archery, and all those knights who have been enrolled163 as true knights, worthy to try their prowess in the tilts164, are hereby invited to do so without fee or reward, fear or distinction.
'God Save the Queen.'
'Hurrah165! hurrah!' said everybody, and then arose the flapping of white pocket-handkerchiefs, the waving of flags, the sounding of horns, and the beating of drums. The arena was cleared by Sam Swipes with a long cart-whip, and opposite to each other, by separate entrances, appeared the first two knights who were to engage—(1) The Knight of the Boiling Fish-kettle, (2) The Knight of the Red-hot Copper166. The Knight of the Boiling Fish-kettle was armed with a splendid helmet of polished metal, something resembling a double block-tin dish-cover,[Pg 292] No. 3 on the bottom; at the top was inverted167 a red-boiled lobster168 for a crest118, over which hung in graceful169 curves three black cats' tails duly charged with electricity. A large pewter-dish formed the breast-plate of this knight, while his arms and thighs170 were plated with bands of tin, which had an exceedingly martial appearance. The shield of the knight was the lid of the fish-kettle, a broad oblong defence, upon which was painted the device of a leg of pork, with the motto 'Porkus est miceabus.' The lance-pole of this knight was a clothes-prop, at the end of which a pepper-box was duly fixed171 instead of a lance.
The Knight of the Copper was also mounted on a steed; it was of a reddish-brown, and for his saddle-cloth he had chosen a rich damask table-cover, which nearly covered the whole body of the animal. He had on his head a copper cake-mould in the shape of a porcupine172. His breast-plate was a richly-figured japanned waiter. His armour consisted of muffin-tins fixed over his arms and legs, his crest was a 'scalded cat,' and his shield a copper-lid of wood. The copper-lid was painted green, and it had for its device a calve's head, with a lemon in its mouth, with the motto, 'Calve's head is best hot.'
The knights being set in due array and in proper position, at the sound of the herald's trumpets spurred their nags173, and went towards each other with the velocity174 of lightning. At the first assault the pepper-box was dashed to pieces against the copper-lid, and the fractured fragments clattered175 about the combatants. The next charge upset the Knight of the Boiling Fish-kettle and his Rosinante at the same time, and both lay wallowing on the ground. Mr. Mumbles on this rose from his seat, and the Knight of the Red-hot Copper made his appearance on the throne or platform, where, kneeling down, he received at the hands of Mrs. Mumbles a beautiful white silken scarf, while the assembly shouted, the drums beat, and the trumpets sounded.[Pg 293]
Knights in armour tumbled over their own steeds, donkeys ran snorting about, ladies shrieked176.—Page 295. Knights in armour tumbled over their own steeds, donkeys ran snorting about, ladies shrieked.—Page 295.
[Pg 295]
How long this foolery would have gone on I know not, but just as the ceremony was being performed of investing the conqueror177 knight with the silken scarf a loud cracking was heard under the platform. Mr. Mumbles looked red, Mrs. Mumbles looked pale, the company stood aghast, the music ceased, the uproar178 was quelled179, and the applause subsided180. Crack, snap, bang! What was the matter? The fireworks placed underneath181 the scaffolding, and which were to have concluded the evening's entertainments, had by some means or other ignited. Presently a rocket with a loud roar made a sweep in a slanting182 direction through the canvas at the top of the canopy, to the consternation183 of all. Before the alarm subsided, and before anyone could make his or her escape by flight, another and another rocket rushed from beneath the scaffolding with prodigious184 roar and flame. The alarm became general; Mrs. Mumbles fainted; Mr. Mumbles roared out 'Fire, fire!' as loud as he was able. But now the indiscriminate ignition of rockets, crackers185, squibs, Catherines, fiery186 fountains, flaming cascades187, sparkling arbours, and gunpowder188 and nitre pillars, and suns, stars, and comets enveloped189 the whole throne and its appurtenances in a blaze of fiery splendour. Rockets shot out on every side, fiery squibs ran along the ground, Catherine wheels danced on every shoulder, and crackers banged at every heel. Such a scene of confusion followed as is seldom witnessed. Knights in armour tumbled over their own steeds, donkeys ran snorting about, ladies shrieked, and fell over gentlemen, and gentlemen tumbled over ladies in pell-mell havoc190 and confusion, amid smoke and steam and hissing191 and cracking and banging and roaring.[Pg 296]
It was with the greatest difficulty that Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles were extricated192 from the danger that threatened them—namely, being burnt alive. But Mrs. Mumbles was carried home in a wheelbarrow in a state of insensibility, while Mr. Mumbles had the same attention bestowed193 upon him through the intervention194 of a well-disposed hurdle195 and four of the marrow-bone and cleaver64 musicians.
Such was the untoward196 end of the Mumblonian tournament, an event not to be easily forgotten in the locality in which it took place. It was subsequently found out, as it ought to have been discovered before, that both Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles had driven themselves mad by novel and romance reading, and they were both obliged to be sent to a madhouse for some time before they could be cured of their egregious197 folly. But as they were cured, it may be said that the circumstances which I have related were 'all for the best.'
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1
mumbles
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| 含糊的话或声音，咕哝( mumble的名词复数 ) | |
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2
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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3
scrambles
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| n.抢夺( scramble的名词复数 )v.快速爬行( scramble的第三人称单数 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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4
honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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5
languish
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| vi.变得衰弱无力，失去活力，（植物等）凋萎 | |
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6
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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7
valiant
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| adj.勇敢的，英勇的；n.勇士，勇敢的人 | |
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8
bray
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| n.驴叫声, 喇叭声；v.驴叫 | |
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9
miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的 | |
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10
cloisters
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| n.（学院、修道院、教堂等建筑的）走廊( cloister的名词复数 )；回廊；修道院的生活；隐居v.隐退，使与世隔绝( cloister的第三人称单数 ) | |
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11
vaults
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| n.拱顶( vault的名词复数 )；地下室；撑物跳高；墓穴 | |
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12
mouldering
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| v.腐朽( moulder的现在分词 )；腐烂，崩塌 | |
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13
coffins
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| n.棺材( coffin的名词复数 )；使某人早亡[死，完蛋，垮台等]之物 | |
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14
whit
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| n.一点，丝毫 | |
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15
bosoms
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| 胸部( bosom的名词复数 )； 胸怀； 女衣胸部（或胸襟）； 和爱护自己的人在一起的情形 | |
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16
catastrophes
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| n.灾祸( catastrophe的名词复数 )；灾难；不幸事件；困难 | |
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17
tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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18
revelled
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| v.作乐( revel的过去式和过去分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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19
disinterestedness
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20
triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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21
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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22
radically
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| ad.根本地，本质地 | |
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23
baker
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| n.面包师 | |
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24
notch
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| n.(V字形)槽口，缺口，等级 | |
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25
shambles
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| n.混乱之处；废墟 | |
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26
writ
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| n.命令状，书面命令 | |
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27
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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28
eloquently
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| adv. 雄辩地(有口才地, 富于表情地) | |
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29
destitute
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| adj.缺乏的；穷困的 | |
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30
creditor
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| n.债仅人，债主，贷方 | |
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31
imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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32
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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33
platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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34
aprons
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| 围裙( apron的名词复数 )； 停机坪，台口（舞台幕前的部份） | |
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35
thrifty
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| adj.节俭的；兴旺的；健壮的 | |
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36
spouse
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| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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37
initiatory
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| adj.开始的；创始的；入会的；入社的 | |
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38
joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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39
knight
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| n.骑士，武士；爵士 | |
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40
knights
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| 骑士； （中古时代的）武士( knight的名词复数 )； 骑士； 爵士； （国际象棋中）马 | |
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41
cleaving
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| v.劈开，剁开，割开( cleave的现在分词 ) | |
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42
adversaries
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| n.对手，敌手( adversary的名词复数 ) | |
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43
tyrant
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| n.暴君，专制的君主，残暴的人 | |
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44
bloody
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| adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染 | |
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45
scotched
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| v.阻止( scotch的过去式和过去分词 )；制止（车轮）转动；弄伤；镇压 | |
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46
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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47
civilize
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| vt.使文明，使开化 (=civilise) | |
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48
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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49
boorish
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| adj.粗野的，乡巴佬的 | |
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50
refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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51
bluff
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| v.虚张声势，用假象骗人；n.虚张声势，欺骗 | |
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52
harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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54
stoutness
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| 坚固，刚毅 | |
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55
relaxation
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| n.松弛，放松；休息；消遣；娱乐 | |
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56
outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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57
impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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58
witty
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| adj.机智的，风趣的 | |
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59
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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60
maniac
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| n.精神癫狂的人；疯子 | |
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61
pickle
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| n.腌汁，泡菜；v.腌，泡 | |
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62
goodwill
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| n.善意，亲善，信誉，声誉 | |
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63
cleavers
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| n.猪殃殃（其茎、实均有钩刺）；砍肉刀，剁肉刀( cleaver的名词复数 ) | |
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64
cleaver
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| n.切肉刀 | |
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65
secluded
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| adj.与世隔绝的；隐退的；偏僻的v.使隔开，使隐退( seclude的过去式和过去分词) | |
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66
turrets
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| （六角）转台( turret的名词复数 )； （战舰和坦克等上的）转动炮塔； （摄影机等上的）镜头转台； （旧时攻城用的）塔车 | |
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67
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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68
pigsties
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| n.猪圈，脏房间( pigsty的名词复数 ) | |
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69
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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70
rampant
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| adj.(植物)蔓生的；狂暴的，无约束的 | |
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71
hawking
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| 利用鹰行猎 | |
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72
mound
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| n.土墩，堤，小山；v.筑堤，用土堆防卫 | |
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73
ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
chivalry
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| n.骑士气概，侠义；（男人）对女人彬彬有礼，献殷勤 | |
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75
proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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76
precedent
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| n.先例，前例；惯例；adj.在前的，在先的 | |
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77
redound
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| v.有助于；提；报应 | |
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78
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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79
feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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80
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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81
trumpets
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| 喇叭( trumpet的名词复数 )； 小号； 喇叭形物； （尤指）绽开的水仙花 | |
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82
plumes
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| 羽毛( plume的名词复数 )； 羽毛饰； 羽毛状物； 升上空中的羽状物 | |
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83
heralds
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| n.使者( herald的名词复数 )；预报者；预兆；传令官v.预示( herald的第三人称单数 )；宣布（好或重要） | |
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84
wigless
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| adj.无假发的，不戴假发（套）的 | |
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85
pate
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| n.头顶；光顶 | |
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86
renowned
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| adj.著名的，有名望的，声誉鹊起的 | |
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87
chivalric
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| 有武士气概的，有武士风范的 | |
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88
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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89
clarion
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| n.尖音小号声；尖音小号 | |
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90
martial
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| adj.战争的，军事的，尚武的，威武的 | |
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91
anvil
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| n.铁钻 | |
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92
consort
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| v.相伴；结交 | |
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93
embroidered
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| adj．绣花的 | |
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94
epoch
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| n.(新)时代；历元 | |
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95
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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96
ardent
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，强烈的，烈性的 | |
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97
alacrity
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| n.敏捷，轻快，乐意 | |
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98
whim
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| n.一时的兴致，突然的念头；奇想，幻想 | |
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99
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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100
elucidate
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| v.阐明，说明 | |
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101
ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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102
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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103
maidens
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| 处女( maiden的名词复数 )； 少女； 未婚女子； （板球运动）未得分的一轮投球 | |
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104
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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105
irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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106
drollery
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| n.开玩笑，说笑话；滑稽可笑的图画（或故事、小戏等） | |
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107
wondrous
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| adj.令人惊奇的，奇妙的；adv.惊人地；异乎寻常地；令人惊叹地 | |
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108
warden
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| n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人 | |
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109
wardenship
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| n.warden之职权（或职务） | |
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110
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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111
auspicious
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| adj.吉利的；幸运的，吉兆的 | |
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112
buckle
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| n.扣子，带扣；v.把...扣住，由于压力而弯曲 | |
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113
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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114
victorious
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| adj.胜利的，得胜的 | |
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115
concoct
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| v.调合，制造 | |
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116
tilting
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| 倾斜，倾卸 | |
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117
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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118
crest
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| n.顶点；饰章；羽冠；vt.达到顶点；vi.形成浪尖 | |
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119
crests
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| v.到达山顶（或浪峰）( crest的第三人称单数 )；到达洪峰，达到顶点 | |
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120
azure
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| adj.天蓝色的，蔚蓝色的 | |
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121
ostrich
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| n.鸵鸟 | |
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122
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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123
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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124
extolling
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| v.赞美( extoll的现在分词 )；赞颂，赞扬，赞美( extol的现在分词 ) | |
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125
dames
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| n.（在英国）夫人（一种封号），夫人（爵士妻子的称号）( dame的名词复数 )；女人 | |
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126
squires
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| n.地主，乡绅( squire的名词复数 ) | |
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127
professes
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| 声称( profess的第三人称单数 )； 宣称； 公开表明； 信奉 | |
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128
knightly
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| adj. 骑士般的 adv. 骑士般地 | |
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129
strew
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| vt.撒；使散落；撒在…上，散布于 | |
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130
treacle
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| n.糖蜜 | |
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131
dabbed
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| （用某物）轻触( dab的过去式和过去分词 )； 轻而快地擦掉（或抹掉）； 快速擦拭； （用某物）轻而快地涂上（或点上）… | |
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132
gals
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| abbr.gallons （复数）加仑（液量单位）n.女孩，少女( gal的名词复数 ) | |
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133
poke
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| n.刺，戳，袋；vt.拨开，刺，戳；vi.戳，刺，捅，搜索，伸出，行动散慢 | |
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134
expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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135
garnished
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| v.给（上餐桌的食物）加装饰( garnish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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136
killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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137
frolicsomeness
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138
canvassed
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| v.（在政治方面）游说( canvass的过去式和过去分词 )；调查（如选举前选民的）意见；为讨论而提出（意见等）；详细检查 | |
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139
ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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140
premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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141
ponies
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| 矮种马，小型马( pony的名词复数 )； ￡25 25 英镑 | |
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142
dolorous
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| adj.悲伤的；忧愁的 | |
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143
grandee
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| n.贵族；大公 | |
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144
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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145
rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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146
muster
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| v.集合，收集，鼓起，激起；n.集合，检阅，集合人员，点名册 | |
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147
mustered
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| v.集合，召集，集结（尤指部队）( muster的过去式和过去分词 )；（自他人处）搜集某事物；聚集；激发 | |
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148
joust
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| v.马上长枪比武，竞争 | |
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149
canopy
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| n.天篷，遮篷 | |
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150
gilt
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| adj.镀金的；n.金边证券 | |
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151
retinue
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| n.侍从；随员 | |
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152
emblematical
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| adj.标志的，象征的，典型的 | |
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153
arena
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| n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台 | |
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154
pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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155
yeast
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| n.酵母；酵母片；泡沫；v.发酵；起泡沫 | |
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156
gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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157
batch
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| n.一批(组，群)；一批生产量 | |
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158
redoubtable
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| adj.可敬的；可怕的 | |
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159
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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160
pony
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| adj.小型的；n.小马 | |
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161
baton
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| n.乐队用指挥杖 | |
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162
obeisance
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| n.鞠躬，敬礼 | |
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163
enrolled
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| adj.入学登记了的v.[亦作enrol]( enroll的过去式和过去分词 )；登记，招收，使入伍（或入会、入学等），参加，成为成员；记入名册；卷起，包起 | |
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164
tilts
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| （意欲赢得某物或战胜某人的）企图，尝试( tilt的名词复数 ) | |
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165
hurrah
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| int.好哇，万岁，乌拉 | |
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166
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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167
inverted
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| adj.反向的，倒转的v.使倒置，使反转( invert的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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168
lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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169
graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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170
thighs
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| n.股，大腿( thigh的名词复数 )；食用的鸡（等的）腿 | |
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171
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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172
porcupine
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| n.豪猪， 箭猪 | |
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173
nags
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| n.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的名词复数 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责v.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的第三人称单数 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责 | |
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174
velocity
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| n.速度，速率 | |
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175
clattered
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| 发出咔哒声（clatter的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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176
shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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177
conqueror
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| n.征服者，胜利者 | |
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178
uproar
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| n.骚动，喧嚣，鼎沸 | |
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179
quelled
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| v.（用武力）制止，结束，镇压( quell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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180
subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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181
underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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182
slanting
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| 倾斜的，歪斜的 | |
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183
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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184
prodigious
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| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
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185
crackers
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| adj.精神错乱的，癫狂的n.爆竹( cracker的名词复数 )；薄脆饼干；（认为）十分愉快的事；迷人的姑娘 | |
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186
fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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187
cascades
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| 倾泻( cascade的名词复数 )； 小瀑布（尤指一连串瀑布中的一支）； 瀑布状物； 倾泻（或涌出）的东西 | |
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188
gunpowder
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| n.火药 | |
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189
enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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190
havoc
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| n.大破坏，浩劫，大混乱，大杂乱 | |
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191
hissing
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| n. 发嘶嘶声, 蔑视 动词hiss的现在分词形式 | |
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192
extricated
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| v.使摆脱困难，脱身( extricate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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193
bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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194
intervention
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| n.介入，干涉，干预 | |
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195
hurdle
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| n.跳栏，栏架；障碍，困难；vi.进行跨栏赛 | |
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196
untoward
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| adj.不利的，不幸的，困难重重的 | |
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197
egregious
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| adj.非常的，过分的 | |
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