On the evening after his visit, the Canipers and Daniel went to the trysting place. Helen wrapped herself in a shawl and lay down with her head on her arms and one eye for the clouds, but she did not listen to the talk, and she had no definite thoughts. The voices of Rupert and Daniel were like the buzzing of bees, a sound of warmth and summer, and the smell of their tobacco came and went on the wind. She was aware that John, having smoked for a time and disagreed with everything that was said, had walked off towards the road, and the succeeding peace was proof that Miriam too, had disappeared.
Helen rolled on her back and went floating with the clouds. While she merely watched them, she thought they kept a level course, but to go with them was like riding on a swollen9 sea, and as she rose and fell in slow and splendid curves, she discovered differences of colour and quality in a medium which seemed invariable from below. She swooped10 downwards11 like a bird on steady wings and saw the moor lifting itself towards her until she anticipated a shock; she was carried upwards12 through a blue that strained to keep its colour, yet wearied into a pallor which almost let out the stars. She saw the eye of a hawk13 as its victims knew it, and for a time she kept pace with a lark14 and saw the music in his throat before he uttered it. Joy escaped her in a little sound, and then she felt that the earth was solid under her.
Daniel and Rupert were still discussing the great things which did not matter, and idly she marvelled15 at their capacity for argument and quarrel; but she realized that for Rupert, at least, this was a sport equivalent to her game of sailing with the clouds, and when she turned to look at him, she saw him leaning against his heather bush, wearing the expression most annoying to an antagonist16, and flicking17 broken heather stalks at Daniel's angular and monumental knees.
"You talk of the mind," Rupert said, "as though it were the stomach."
"I do," Daniel said heavily.
"And your stomach at that! Bulk and fat foods—"
"This is merely personal," Daniel said, "and a sign that you are being beaten, as usual. I was going to say that in a day of fuller knowledge we shall be able to predict the effect of emotions with the same certainty—"
"With which you now predict the effect of Eliza's diet. God forbid! Anyhow, I shall be dead. Come on."
Daniel stood up obediently, for they had now reached the point where they always rose and walked off side by side, in the silence of amusement and indignation.
There was a rustling18 in the heather, and she heard no more of them. Then the thud of approaching footsteps ran along the ground, and she sat up to see Miriam with Zebedee.
"I went fishing," Miriam said, "and this is what I caught."
He smiled at Helen a little uncertainly. "I had some time to spare, and I thought you wouldn't mind if I came up here. You used to let me."
"I've always wanted you to come back," she said with her disconcerting frankness.
"You may sit down," Miriam said, "and go on telling us about your childhood. Helen, we'd hardly said how d'you do when he began on that. It's a sure sign of age."
"I am old."
"Oh," Helen murmured. "No." She dropped back into her bed. She could see Zebedee's grey coat sleeve and the movements of his arm as he found and filled his pipe, and by moving her head half an inch she saw his collar and his lean cheek.
"Yes, old," he said, "and the reason I mentioned my unfortunate childhood was to point a moral in content. When I was young I was made to go to chapel twice on Sundays, three times counting Sunday-school, and here I find you all wandering about the moor."
"I'd rather have had the chapel," Miriam said. "One could at least look at people's hats."
"The hats in our particular Bethel were chiefly bonnets19. Bonnets with things in them that nodded, and generally black." He stared across the moor. "I don't know that the memory of them is a thing to cherish."
Helen tried to do justice to the absent. "We were never told not to go. We could do what we liked."
"Ah, but we weren't encouraged," Miriam chuckled20. "You have to be encouraged, don't you, Zebedee, before you go into places like that?"
"My father had other methods," he said grimly.
The silence tightened21 on his memories, and no one spoke22 until Miriam said, almost gently, "Please tell us some more."
"The pews were a bright yellow, and looked sticky. The roof was painted blue, with stars. There was a man in a black gown with special knowledge on the subject of sin."
"That," Miriam said pensively23, "must have been amusing."
"No. Only dreary and somehow rather unclean. I liked to go to the surgery afterwards and smell the antiseptics."
"I wish the horrible black-gowned man could know that," Helen said fiercely.
He looked down, smiling tolerantly. "But it doesn't matter now."
"It does. It will always matter. You were little—" She broke off and huddled24 herself closer in her shawl, as though she held a small thing in its folds.
He found nothing to say; he was swept by gratitude25 for this tenderness. It was, he knew, what she would have given to anything needing comfort, but it was no less wonderful for that and he was warmed by it and, at the same time, disturbed. She seemed to have her hands near his heart, and they were pressing closer.
"Go on," said Miriam, unconscious of the emotions that lived near her. "I like to hear about other people's miseries26. Were you rather a funny little boy?"
"I expect so."
"Pale and plain, I should think," she said consideringly, "with too big a nose. Oh, it's all right now, rather nice, but little boys so often have noses out of proportion. I shall have girls. Did you wear black clothes on Sunday?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Poor little ugly thing! Helen, are you listening? Black clothes! And your hair oiled?"
"No, not so bad as that. My mother was a very particular lady."
"Can you tell us about her?" Helen asked.
"I don't know that I can."
"You oughtn't to have suggested it," Miriam said in a reproof27 which was ready to turn to mockery at a hint from Zebedee.
"He won't tell us if he doesn't want to. You wouldn't be hurt by anything we said, would you?"
"Of course not. The difficulty is that there seems nothing to tell. She was so quiet, as I remember her, and so meek28, and yet one felt quite safe with her. I don't think she was afraid, as I was, but there was something, something that made things uncertain. I can't explain."
"I expect she was too gentle at the beginning," Helen said. "She let him have his own way and then she was never able to catch up, and all the time—all the time she was thinking perhaps you were going to suffer because she had made that mistake. And that would make her so anxious not to make another, wouldn't it? And so—"
"And so it would go on. But how did you discover that?"
"Oh, I know some things," she said, and ended feebly, "about some things."
"She died when I was thirteen and Daniel three, and my father was very unhappy."
"I didn't like your father a bit," Miriam said.
"He was a good man in his way, his uncomfortable way."
"Then I like them wickeder than that."
"It made him uncomfortable too, you know."
"If you're going to preach—"
He laughed. "I didn't mean to. I was only offering you the experience of my maturity29!"
"Well, I'm getting stiff and cold. Helen likes that kind of thing. Give it to her while I get warm. Unless you'll lend me your shawl, Helen?"
"No, I won't."
"I must go too," said Zebedee, but he did not move and Helen did not speak. His thoughts were on her while his eyes were on the dark line of moor touching30 the sky; yet he thought less of her than of the strange ways of life and the force which drew him to this woman whom he had known a child so short a time ago. He wondered if what he felt were real, if the night and the mystery of the moor had not bewitched him, for she had come to him at night out of the darkness with the wind whistling round her. It was so easy, as he knew, for a solitary31 being to fasten eagerly on another, like a beaten boat to the safety of a buoy32, but while he thus admonished33 himself, he had no genuine doubt. He knew that she was what he wanted: her youth, her wisdom, her smoothness, her serenity34, and the many things which made her, even the stubbornness which underlay35 her calm.
Into these reflections her voice came loudly, calling him from the heights.
"I do wish you wouldn't keep Eliza. She's a most unsuitable person to look after you."
He laughed so heartily36 and so long that she sat up to look at him. "I don't know what's amusing you," she said.
"It's so extraordinarily37 like you!"
"Oh!"
"And why don't you think her suitable?"
"From things Daniel has told me."
"Oh, Daniel is an old maid. She's ugly and disagreeable, but she delivers messages accurately38, and that's all I care about. Don't believe all Daniel's stories."
"They worry me," she said.
"Do you worry about every one's affairs?" he asked, and feared she would hear the jealousy39 in his voice.
"I know so few people, you see. Oughtn't I to?"
"I'm humbly40 thankful," he said with a light gravity.
"Then I'll go on. Aren't you lonely on Sundays in that house with only the holly41 bush and the rowan and the apple-trees that bear no fruit? Why don't you come up here?"
"May I?"
"You belong to the moor, too," she said.
He nodded his thanks for that. "Who told you about our trees? Daniel again?"
"Yes; but I asked him."
He stood up. "I must go back. Thank you and good night."
It was getting dark and, with a heavy feeling in her heart, she watched him walk away, while Miriam ran up with a whirl of skirts, crying out, "Is he going? Is he going? Come and see him to the road."
Helen shook her head. She would let Miriam have anything she wanted, but she would not share with her. She turned her back on the thin striding figure and the small running one behind it, and she went into the house. There, the remembrance of Mildred Caniper went with her from room to room, and the house itself seemed to close on Helen and hold her in.
She stood at the schoolroom window and watched the twilight42 give place to night. In the garden, the laurel bushes were quite black and it seemed to her that the whole world was dead except herself and the lurking43 shadows that filled the house. Zebedee, who tramped the long road to the town, had become hardly more than a toy which had been wound up and would go on for ever. Then, on the hillside, a spark leapt out, and she knew that John or Lily Brent had lighted the kitchen lamp.
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1
moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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martyr
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| n.烈士，殉难者；vt.杀害，折磨，牺牲 | |
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lair
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| n.野兽的巢穴；躲藏处 | |
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grassy
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| adj.盖满草的；长满草的 | |
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precocious
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| adj.早熟的；较早显出的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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swooped
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| 俯冲，猛冲( swoop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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13
hawk
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| n.鹰，骗子；鹰派成员 | |
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14
lark
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| n.云雀，百灵鸟；n.嬉戏，玩笑；vi.嬉戏 | |
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15
marvelled
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| v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
antagonist
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| n.敌人，对抗者，对手 | |
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17
flicking
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| （尤指用手指或手快速地）轻击( flick的现在分词 )； （用…）轻挥； （快速地）按开关； 向…笑了一下（或瞥了一眼等） | |
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18
rustling
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| n. 瑟瑟声，沙沙声 adj. 发沙沙声的 | |
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19
bonnets
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| n.童帽( bonnet的名词复数 )；（烟囱等的）覆盖物；（苏格兰男子的）无边呢帽；（女子戴的）任何一种帽子 | |
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20
chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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21
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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22
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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pensively
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| adv.沉思地，焦虑地 | |
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24
huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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25
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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26
miseries
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| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
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27
reproof
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| n.斥责，责备 | |
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28
meek
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| adj.温顺的，逆来顺受的 | |
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29
maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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30
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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31
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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32
buoy
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| n.浮标；救生圈；v.支持，鼓励 | |
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33
admonished
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| v.劝告( admonish的过去式和过去分词 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责 | |
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34
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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35
underlay
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| v.位于或存在于（某物）之下( underlie的过去式 )；构成…的基础（或起因），引起n.衬垫物 | |
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36
heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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37
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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38
accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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39
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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40
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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41
holly
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| n.[植]冬青属灌木 | |
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42
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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43
lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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