It is my opinion,” said Uncle Dudley, stretching out his slippered3 feet, and thrusting his thumbs into the armholes of his waistcoat—“it is my opinion that women are different from men.”
“Several commentators4 have advanced this view,” I replied. “For example, it has been noted5 that the gentle sex cross a muddy street on their heels, whereas we skip over on our toes.”
“That is interesting if true,” responded Uncle Dudley. “What I mean is that all this talk about the human race is humbug6. There are two human races! And they are getting wider apart every few minutes, too!”
“Have you mentioned this to any one?” I asked.
Uncle Dudley went on developing his theme. “I daresay that for millions of years after the re-separation of the sexes this difference was too slight to be noticed at all. The cave man, for instance—the fellow who went around hunting the Ichthyosaurus with a brick tied on the end of an elm club, and spent the whole winter underground sucking the old bones, and then whittling7 them up into Runic buttons for the South Kensington Museum: I suppose, now, that his wife and sister-in-law, say, didn’t strike him as being specially8 different from himself—except, of course, in that they only got plain bones and gristle and so on to eat, whereas all the marrow9 and general smooth-sailing in meats went his way. You, can’t imagine him saying to himself: ‘These female people here are not of my race at all They are of another species. They are in reality as much my natural enemies as that long-toed, red-headed, brachycephalous tramp living in the gum-tree down by the swamp, who makes offensive gestures as I ride past on my tame Ursus spelous’—now, can you?”
I frankly10 shook my head. “No, I don’t seem to be able to imagine that. It would be almost as hard as to guess off-hand where, when, and how you caught this remarkable11 scientific spasm12.”
Uncle Dudley smiled. He rose, and walked with leisurely13 lightness up and down in front of the chimney-piece, still with his palms spread like little misplaced wings before his armpits. He smiled again. Then he stopped on the hearth-rug and looked down amiably14 upon me.
“Well—what d’ye think? There’s something in it, eh?”
“My dear fellow,” I began, “what puzzles me is——”
“O, I don’t mean to say that I’ve worked it all out,” put in Uncle Dudley, reassuringly15. “Why, I get puzzled myself, every once in a while. But I’m on the right track, my boy; and, as they say in Adelaide, I’m going to hang to it like a pup to a root.”
“How long have you been this way?” I asked, with an affectation of sympathy.
Uncle Dudley answered with shining eyes. “Why, if you’ll believe me, it seems now as if I’d had the germs of the idea in my mind ever since I came back to England, and began living here at Fernbank. But the thing dawned upon me—that is to say, took shape in my head—less than a fortnight ago. It all came about through being up here one evening with nothing to read, and my toe worse than usual, and Mrs Albert having been out of sorts all through dinner. Somehow, I felt all at once that I’d got to read scientific works. I couldn’t resist it. I was like Joan of Arc when the cows and sheep took partners for a quadrille. I heard voices—Darwin’s and—and—Benjamin Franklin’s—and—lots of others. I hobbled downstairs to the library, and I brought up a whole armful of the books that Mrs Albert bought when she expected Lady Wallaby was going to be able to get her an invitation to attend the Hon. Mrs Coon-Alwyn’s Biological Conversaziones. Look there! What do you say to that for ten days’ work? And had to cut every leaf, into the bargain!”
I gazed with respect at the considerable row of books he indicated: books for the most part bound in the scarlet16 of the International Series or the maroon17 of Contemporary Science, but containing also brown covers, and even green “sport” varieties.
“Well, and what is it all about?” I asked. “Why have you read these things? Why not the reports of the Commission on Agricultural Depression, or Lewis Morris’s poems, or even——” but my imagination faltered18 and broke.
“It was instinct, my boy,” returned Uncle Dudley, with impressive confidence. “There had been a thought—a great idea—growing and swelling19 in my head ever since I had been living in this house. But I couldn’t tell what it was. As you might say, it was wrapped up in a cocoon20, like the larv? of the lepidoptera—ahem!—and something was needed to bring it out.”
“When I was here last you were trying Hollands with quinine bitters,” I remarked casually21.
“Don’t fool!” Uncle Dudley admonished22 me. “I’m dead in earnest. As I said, it was pure instinct that led me to these books. They have made everything clear. I only wanted their help to get the husk off my discovery, and hoist23 it on my back, us it were, and bring it out here in the daylight. And so now you know what I’m getting at when I say: Women are different from Men.”
“That is the discovery, then?” I inquired.
Uncle Dudley nodded several times. Then he went on, with emphasised slowness: “I have lived here now for four years, seeing my sister-in-law every day, watching Ermyntrude grow up to womanhood and the little girls peg24 along behind her, and meeting the female friends who come here to see them—and, sir, I tell you, they’re not alone a different sex: they’re a different animal altogether! Take my word for it, they’re a species by themselves.”
“Miss Timby-Hucks is certainly very much by herself,” I remarked.
My friend smiled. “And not altogether her own fault either,” he commented. “But, speaking of science, it’s remarkable how, when you once get a firm grip on a big, central, main-guy fact, all the little facts come in of their own accord to support it. Now, there’s that young simpleton you met here at dinner a while ago: I mean Eustace Hump. Do you know that both Ermyntrude and the Timby-Hucks, and even Miss Wallaby, think that that chap is a perfect ideal of masculine wit and beauty? You and I would hesitate about using him to wad a horse-pistol with: but there isn’t one of those girls that wouldn’t leap with joy if he began proposing to her; and as for their mothers, why, the old ladies watch him as a kingfisher eyes a tadpole25.”
“Your similes26 are exciting,” I said; “but what do they go to show?”
“My dear fellow, science can show anything. I haven’t gone all through it yet, but I tell you, it’s wonderful! Take this, for instance”—he reached for a green book on the mantel, and turned over the leaves—“now listen to this. The book is written by a man named Wallace—nice, shrewd-looking old party by his picture, you can see—and this is what he says on page 285: ‘Some peahens preferred an old pied peacock; a Canada goose paired with a Bernicle gander; a male widgeon was preferred by a pintail duck to its own species; a hen canary preferred a male greenfinch to either linnet, goldfinch, siskin, or chaffinch.’ Now, do you see that? The moment my eyes first lighted on that, I said to myself: ‘Now I understand about the girls and Eustace Hump.’ Isn’t it clear to you?”
“Absolutely,” I assented27. “You ought to read a paper at the Royal Aquarium—before the Balloon Society, I mean.”
“And then look at this,” Uncle Dudley went on, with animation28. “Now, you and I would ask ourselves what on earth such a gawky, spindling, poor-witted youngster as that thought he was doing among women, anyhow. But you turn over the page, and here you have it: ‘Goat-suckers, geese, carrion29 vultures, and many other birds of plain plumage have been observed to dance, spread their wings or tails, and perform strange love-antics.’ Doesn’t that fasten Hump to the wall like a beetle30 on a pin, eh?”
“But I am not sure that I entirely31 follow its application to your original point,” I suggested.
“About women, you mean? My boy, in science everything applies. The woods are full of applications. But seriously, women are different. As I said, in the barbarism at the back of beyond this divergence32 started. With the beginning of what we call civilisation33, it became more and more marked. The progress of the separation increases nowadays by square-root—or whatever you call it. The sexes are wider apart to-day than ever. They like each other less; they quarrel more. You can see that in the Divorce Courts, in the diminished proportion of early marriages, in the increasing evidences of domestic infelicity all about one.”
I could not refrain from expressing the fear that all this boded34 ill for the perpetuity of the human race.
Uncle Dudley is a light-hearted man. He was not depressed35 by the apprehensions36 to which I had given utterance37. Instead he hummed pleasantly to himself as he put Wallace back on the shelf. He began chuckling38 as a moment later he bethought himself to fill our glasses afresh.
“Did I ever tell you my cat story?” he asked cheerily, testing the knob to see that the door was shut. “Once a little boy came in to his father and said: ‘Pa, we won’t be troubled any more with those cats howling about on our roof at night. I’ve just been looking out of the upstairs window, and they’re all out there fighting and screaming and tearing each other to pieces. There won’t be one of them alive by morning!’ Then the father replied: ‘My son, you imagine a vain thing. When increasing years shall have furnished your mind with a more copious39 store of knowledge, you will grasp the fact that all this commotion40 and dire41 disturbance42 which you report to me only signifies more cats.’”
At this juncture43 the servant came in with the soda-water. We talked no more of science that evening.
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1
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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slippered
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| 穿拖鞋的 | |
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commentators
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| n.评论员( commentator的名词复数 )；时事评论员；注释者；实况广播员 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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humbug
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| n.花招，谎话，欺骗 | |
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whittling
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| v.切，削（木头），使逐渐变小( whittle的现在分词 ) | |
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8
specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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marrow
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| n.骨髓；精华；活力 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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amiably
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| adv.和蔼可亲地，亲切地 | |
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reassuringly
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| ad.安心，可靠 | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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maroon
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| v.困住，使（人）处于孤独无助之境；n.逃亡黑奴；孤立的人；酱紫色，褐红色；adj.酱紫色的，褐红色的 | |
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18
faltered
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| （嗓音）颤抖( falter的过去式和过去分词 )； 支吾其词； 蹒跚； 摇晃 | |
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19
swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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cocoon
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| n.茧 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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admonished
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| v.劝告( admonish的过去式和过去分词 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责 | |
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23
hoist
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| n.升高，起重机，推动；v.升起，升高，举起 | |
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24
peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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tadpole
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| n.[动]蝌蚪 | |
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similes
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| （使用like或as等词语的）明喻( simile的名词复数 ) | |
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assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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animation
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| n.活泼，兴奋，卡通片／动画片的制作 | |
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29
carrion
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| n.腐肉 | |
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beetle
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| n.甲虫，近视眼的人 | |
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31
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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divergence
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| n.分歧，岔开 | |
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33
civilisation
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| n.文明，文化，开化，教化 | |
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34
boded
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| v.预示，预告，预言( bode的过去式和过去分词 )；等待，停留( bide的过去分词 )；居住；（过去式用bided）等待 | |
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35
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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36
apprehensions
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| 疑惧 | |
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37
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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38
chuckling
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的现在分词 ) | |
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copious
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| adj.丰富的，大量的 | |
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40
commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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41
dire
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| adj.可怕的，悲惨的，阴惨的，极端的 | |
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42
disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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43
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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