“You see, I must be a sculptor5, father,” Tom had said, “at least, that is my passion. If you wish me to go into the business or go to the bar, I’ll go, but that won’t be the work of my life. You don’t object, do you?”
They were sitting in the smoking-room after dinner before the fire, for October had started with early frosts, and Mr. Carlingford loathed7 cold weather. He often stopped indoors for two or three weeks at a time in the winter.
“My dear boy,” he replied, “I don’t object to anything about you at present; I really find you the only satisfactory spot in a—a satisfactory life. There is only one thing I should object to, and that is if you made a fool of yourself. Don’t do that, Tom. Many people when they make fools of themselves think that they are being original, whereas{52} they are doing what nine-tenths of the human race has done since the beginning of the world—more than nine-tenths, probably. Adam and Eve both made fools of themselves, so did Cain and Abel—Abel particularly. And a sculptor has such unlimited9 opportunities for making a fool of himself.”
“In what way?” asked Tom.
“Falling in love with his models, or still worse, marrying them. If you are going to the devil, go to him like a gentleman. Then, sculptors10 often wear long hair, and Liberty fabric11 ties, with gold rings round them. I knew a sculptor once who wore a cameo ring. If you wear a cameo ring I shall cut my throat.”
“Oh, I shan’t do any of those things,” said Tom confidently.
“No, I think it is most probable that you won’t, otherwise I should make objections to your being a sculptor. But you can’t tell. You haven’t had many opportunities yet.”
“One can make a fool of one’s self at Cambridge if it comes to that,” said Tom.
“No, not very easily. Public opinion is against it, whereas in most places the fools themselves constitute public opinion. I’m glad of it, though it is only putting off the evil days a little longer. When I was at Cambridge, boys made fools of themselves earlier than they do now. For instance, people get drunk much less. It’s a change for the better, I suppose. But I don’t know that this generation will have gone through less dirt when they are forty, than{53} we did. There comes a time to every one when they must decide definitely whether they are going to make fools of themselves or not. I’ve got very strong views about morality.”
His clever, wrinkled old face beamed with amusement.
“Morality is just a synonym12 for wisdom,” he went on, “and immorality13 is folly14. I don’t know anything about the religious side of it all. I leave that to others, professionals. But I know a little about folly. It’s quite the worst investment you can make.”
“I don’t know that I ever thought about it at all,” said Tom frankly15; “I don’t mean to be a brute16 if I can help it.”
“There are no such things as brutes,” said his father; “there are only wise men and fools—chiefly fools. Every man has to settle the question for himself as to which he will be: no one goes through life scot-free of the necessity of fighting inclinations17. I haven’t ever talked to you before about it, because it is no use giving advice to young men, and the worst thing of all is to tell them to think about such things. You have to think about it when your time comes; till then it’s best not to know it. The best preparation is to lead a healthy life, and think about cricket, not to read White Cross tracts18 and go to purity meetings.”
Tom rose from his chair and knocked out the ashes of his pipe against the chimney-piece.
“I think you’re wrong, father,” he said; “if one has an aim in life, everything gives way to that. If one has principles, one cannot disregard them.{54}”
“Sometimes principles interfere19 with interests,” remarked Mr. Carlingford.
Tom laughed.
“Idle men are the vicious men,” he said.
“I haven’t done a stroke of work for ten years,” remarked his father with amusement. “All the same, I haven’t been idle. I find plenty to do in watching other people. But there is one piece of advice I would really like to give you. If you find you fall in love with any unsuitable young person—a model probably—send her about her business. If it’s too far gone for that, cut her throat—it is probably her fault—she probably wanted you to fall in love with her, and if you see any objection to that, cut mine, or cut your own. Perhaps your own is best. It is unpleasant, no doubt, for the moment, but that is better than wishing every moment for the rest of your life that you had done it.”
“But one can always cut one’s throat. Besides, isn’t that making a fool of one’s self?”
“Not at all: it is the consequence of having made a fool of one’s self.”
Tom frowned.
“Ah, I don’t like people talking about consequences. That is the talk of cowards.”
His father laughed.
“Never mind me, Tom,” he said; “I don’t expect you to agree with me. I am a vicious coward, am I not?”
“What I mean is, that you can make the best or the worst of a bad job,” said Tom. “When people talk of consequences, they seem to mean the worst{55} consequences. When a man has made a mistake, it is stupid of him to sit down and say, ‘Well, that is done; now for the consequences.’ There is almost always a choice of consequences.”
“Very often there are no consequences,” remarked his father. “I don’t think I ever did anything which had any consequences. But then, I never remember doing anything either, except making some money. When are you going to marry, Tom?” he asked suddenly.
Tom looked startled.
“When I fall in love, I suppose,” he said roundly.
“That’s a man’s answer. Well, my boy, I’m going to bed. You go to Cambridge to-morrow, don’t you? Are you going to do well in your Tripos?”
“I should think it’s very unlikely,” said Tom. “It seems that I’m a fool.”
“That’s no reason why you shouldn’t do well.”
“Then it seems that I’m the wrong sort of fool.”
Mr. Carlingford lighted his candle.
“That is very likely. Don’t trouble to do well on my account. I really don’t care the least what you do.”
“I shan’t trouble to do well on my own,” said Tom, laughing. “We had better prepare for failure.”
It was very evident in the course of the next term that Tom was extremely unlikely to do well on anybody’s account. The wine of his passion had begun to ferment20 in his brain, and he lounged his mornings away sometimes in the cast museum, sometimes in his room over a bushel of sculptor’s clay. At other times he had fits of complete idleness. He would{56} get up late, perhaps go to a lecture, then stroll up to the tennis court, and play till lunch-time. In the afternoon he would play football, and sit talking over tea till Hall time, and after Hall play whist till bed-time. Markham, who was busy writing a dissertation21 for his Fellowship, had not time to look after him at all, and those in authority gave him up as a bad job. Tom regarded his own position as an excellent example of a man determining the consequences of his acts.
“I haven’t done any work for weeks,” he said to Markham one day, “and I ought to be in hot water. As a matter of fact, I am not, because I make up for it by cordially agreeing with all that they say to me, and never being out after twelve.”
“Don’t you think you are behaving rather idiotically?” asked Markham. “You seem to be rather proud of doing no work. It’s very easy; any one can do it.”
“Yes, I know it’s very easy,” said Tom, who was in an exasperating22 mood, “that’s why I do it. At the same time, any one can’t do it. You couldn’t, for example.”
“I hope I should never wish to try.”
“My dear Ted6, you are incapable23 of wishing to try. It isn’t in you. It’s not so easy to be idle—though I said it was just now, because I wanted to make you angry—you must have a great deal to think about in order to be idle. If you don’t do something, you must be something, and that requires thought.”
“May I ask what you are being just now?{57}”
“You shouldn’t interrupt, Ted. I was going to say that of course there are some people, who neither do or are anything, but they are idiots. I’m not that sort of idiot myself; just now I am being an artist.”
“I don’t doubt it, but what reason have I for believing it?”
“Oh, none at all,” said Tom, “but you asked me. I am meditating24. I shall do the better for this some day.”
Markham made an impatient movement in his chair.
“Excuse my saying that I want to go on with my work.”
Tom laughed.
“Poor, dear old Ted, how you must loathe8 me! You can’t understand my doing nothing any more than I can understand your doing so much. Is your work of such vital importance? What does it all come to?”
“You’ve asked that before,” remarked Ted.
“Yes, and you’ve never answered it. I can understand a man doing arch?ology; there’s some human interest in that. I like to know what sort of earrings25 the Greek women used to wear. Oh, Ted, do you know the sepulchral26 reliefs from Athens? there’s a cast of one in the Museum. It’s wonderful. I shall do one to you when you die.”
“I wish you would go to your room, and get on with it.”
“Is the deliberative subjunctive going to kill you so soon as that? Well, I’ve often warned you.{58} Good-bye, Teddy. You’re not sociable27 this morning.”
Tom departed, whistling loudly, and out of tune28.
The Fellowship elections took place in March, and as the days drew near, Markham, finding himself unable to work, and fretting29 because he could not, very wisely determined30 to go away from Cambridge for the last week, having made Tom promise to telegraph the result to him. Tom was just returning from the telegraph office, having performed what was a thoroughly31 pleasing and satisfactory duty, and was crossing the court in the gathering32 dusk, when he saw a figure standing33 on the path near the Hall, where the announcement was posted. A sociable curiosity made him tack34 off a little and see who it was, and to his astonishment35 he found Markham standing there.
“Why, Teddy, I’ve just telegraphed to you!” he cried.
Markham turned round to him.
“Quick! tell me quick!” he said.
“You may walk across the grass,” said Tom solemnly; this being one of the Fellows’ privileges “And you may set to work to become a fossil as soon as you please. Well, I congratulate you, I suppose, though I’m not sure it’s the best thing for you.”
Markham caught hold of Tom’s arm.
“I think,” he said, very slowly and deliberately36, “I think I’ve been making a fool of myself. This morning I found I couldn’t stop away, and I came back about a quarter of an hour ago. Since then{59} I have been standing here, not daring to go in and see. Tom, I’m going to chapel37.”
It was two or three days after this that the two were walking down to the Pitt on Sunday evening. On their way they passed one of the mission-rooms in the town, and the street was almost blocked by a crowd all trying to get in. Tom, who was never so happy as in a mass of surging humanity, insisted on mingling38 with them and seeing what was going on. Markham tried to dissuade39 him, but failed, and after a good deal of pushing he succeeded in getting inside.
It was a Revivalist meeting full to overflowing40; the room was hung with flaring41 banners, lit with blazing gas-standards, and warm condensed moisture shone on the walls. Tom looked with wonder and slight disgust towards the platform, where a short, stumpy man with a chin beard was addressing the people. He was describing his own conversion42, which transformed him, according to his own account, from a swindling greengrocer into one of the saved. This happy change had also been accompanied with a great improvement in the greengrocery business. Instead of giving short weight and being always in debt, he took to giving full measure and speedily opened an account at a savings43 bank. He also mentioned that he became a teetotaler at the same time, though the more obvious connection between this fact and the incident of the savings bank did not seem to occur either to him or to his audience. All these sumptuous44 results were a direct effect of grace.
Tom listened for some minutes with amusement struggling with disgust, until the preacher in a sudden{60} burst of gratitude45 gave out a hymn46 of the most militant47 order, and packed solidly with concrete images of abstract ideas. A young woman in a large poke48 bonnet49 was busy thrusting hymn-books into the hands of the congregation, and gave one to Tom. The band struck up a tune expressive50 of the liveliest devotion, and the congregation joined at the top of their voices.
They were in the middle of the second verse, when a sudden stir ran through the crowd, and from the middle of the hall there ran up to the platform a young woman, smartly—over-smartly—dressed, who burst into a loud fit of hysterical51 crying, and cried out that she was saved. The hymn was stopped at once, and the preacher led her aside while the congregation waited. In a few moments he led her back to the front of the platform, and gave out another hymn:—
“There were ninety-and-nine that safely lay.”
Tom’s sense of amusement was gone—a frown gathered on his forehead. What on earth did it all mean? It was clear what sort of a girl it was who had “stormed the gate of Heaven,” as the preacher expressed it—he had often noticed her in the streets—and now she was—what? How was she suddenly different from what she was before? Had her previous life been blotted52 out? What was the change, what did it mean? It could have been no easy thing to make an exhibition of one’s self like that; and where was the driving power? He began to be almost afraid. And before the hymn was finished the same thing happened again, this time to an{61} elderly, respectable-looking man, who delivered a short speech to the congregation with tears streaming down his face. There was some strange force abroad, and Tom did not like it at all. He was desperately53 afraid of making a fool of himself, and he remembered his father’s warnings, though they were delivered in a very different sense. The vulgarity, the loudness of the whole proceedings54 were still very present to him, but he felt that he was in the presence of some force, hysterical perhaps, or perhaps only that force which does exist in enthusiastic crowds, of the nature of which he was absolutely ignorant. For aught he knew it might lay its hands on him next. So he resorted to the most obvious way out of it, and pushing through the crowd, he left the room.
Late that night he strolled into Markham’s room, as the latter was just thinking that it was time to go to bed, and proceeded to deliver himself of his impressions at length.
“It made me confoundedly uncomfortable,” he commented, after giving a full account of what had taken place. “I didn’t half like it, Teddy; I never saw anything like it before, and it was so much more real than I expected. What do you suppose that girl felt, or that man either? How can the singing of a hymn change the whole moral character? It must be hysterical. That’s why I went away; I was afraid of becoming hysterical too. Think how flat one would feel the next morning. And oh! the awful commonness of it all. The elect greengrocer {62}was the scrubbiest sort of brute. Fancy announcing publicly that you were saved! Surely, that is the one thing in the world one would be reticent55 about. What does it all mean, Teddy?”
Markham felt the natural reserve which almost all young men feel in talking of such subjects, and Tom’s sudden curiosity about it surprised him. It was like Tom to mix with any crowd to see what was going forward, but it was so unlike him to have waited a single moment after seeing what it was, that Ted had waited in the street for him, expecting him to appear again every moment, and had eventually gone on to the Pitt, in a puzzled frame of mind.
“I don’t exactly know, Tom,” he said, after a pause. “I believe that that sort of conversion, as they call it, often has permanent effects. I think it quite conceivable that the greengrocer will continue to give full measure.”
“But about the savings bank!” burst out Tom; “how can that have anything to do with it?”
“You would put it differently, of course: you would say, ‘Honesty is the best policy.’”
“Possibly I should. At any rate, if one can account intelligibly56 for a thing it is better to do so, than to try to account for it fallaciously.”
Markham frowned.
“We’ve never talked of this kind of thing before,” he said tentatively. “I haven’t the remotest idea what your religion is, or, indeed, if you’ve got any.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking to myself all the evening,” remarked Tom. “I don’t know myself; I was only conscious that I felt no kind of{63} sympathy with those people. I was amused and disgusted, and then I was frightened.”
“I wish you had stopped,” said Markham, suddenly.
“Why on earth? Do you really think it would have done me any good to have been suddenly ‘taken’ as those people were? I suppose you will say I am a Pharisee—but what good would it have done me? What should I not do that I do now, or what should I do that I do not do? Early chapels57, I suppose——”
“Ah, don’t!” said Markham, with sudden earnestness. “Those things may mean nothing to you, but they do to others—and among others to me.”
Tom stared in perplexity.
“To you—do you believe in that sort of conversion? Do you think that something can happen to you suddenly like that which changes you?”
“I can’t help believing it. How can I say that such things do not happen? I stake my life on such possibilities.”
“The whole thing seems so irrational58 to me,” said Tom. “In anything else, a man’s life is not changed by a little thing of that sort. And then the banking59 account——”
“Well, take an instance in your own line,” said Markham. “Can’t you imagine a modern artist who looks at a Raphael for the first time becoming a convert to that style of art?”
“That’s quite different,” said Tom. “These people have probably been brought up in these beliefs; the idea is not a new one to them. No doubt it came{64} home with more force at such a moment. It is like a man who had been looking at Raphaels all his life, and caring nothing for them, being suddenly convinced by one of them. That doesn’t seem to me likely.”
“You may be right, I can’t say, for you know more of the subject than I. But what right have you to say that a thing doesn’t seem likely in a matter of which, as you said, you know nothing?”
“That’s true,” said Tom, “I do know nothing of it. But who does?”
“The probability is, that people who have thought about it know more than those who haven’t.”
Tom got up, and began to walk up and down the room.
“Well, I want to know, but how can I? If I didn’t feel an interest in it, I shouldn’t have come to talk about it. But I am altogether at sea. I wasn’t brought up in a religious household. My father never speaks of such things. At school I had to read the Bible, chiefly the Acts, like any other school lesson. I was confirmed as a matter of course. If you are not religiously minded, how can you become religious? If a man is not literary, you don’t expect him to feel any interest in books.”
“But it’s a defect that he doesn’t.”
“Yes, because he naturally moves among people who do,” said Tom, “and he necessarily feels out of it. But though you move among religious people you don’t feel out of it, because their religion does not come into their lives. I suppose you would call my father an Atheist60, but you wouldn’t know it, unless you inferred it from the fact that he doesn’t go to{65} church on Sundays, and that we don’t have family prayers. How is it possible for me to feel such things? Perhaps—you see I never knew my mother, she died when I was a baby——”
“Were you not brought up to believe anything?”
“My nurse taught me to say my prayers. On cold evenings I used to ask if I might say them in bed, and I always got dropped on for it. It was considered a form of profanity. I never understood why. And when the age for nurses ceased, my prayers ceased also. I want to know where the difference between me and religious people comes in. A large number of religious people lose their tempers oftener than I do, because I was born with a better temper than they. You read of clergymen being convicted of theft. I never was, because I never stole anything. Gentlemen don’t do such things. It seems to me that we both agree with a certain code of morality for different reasons.”
“Did it never occur to you to wonder why you existed, or how you existed, or what was the object of your existence at all?”
Tom looked at him straight in the face.
“No, never. What good would it do me to puzzle my head about such things even if it had occurred to me? Here I am; how or why I have no means of telling. But I mean to make other people know why I existed; one can’t do more than that. I am going to be an artist.”
Markham felt the hopelessness of making Tom {66}understand. It was like describing colours to a blind man; for himself he had been brought up in a childlike faith, and he was childlike still. His life had been sheltered, nursed in traditions, and when it was transplanted to the outer air, it was a sapling capable of striking roots, and standing by itself. It had never known what the drenching61 showers of autumn, or the winds of winter were, till it was capable, not exactly of despising them, but of being unconscious of them. If Tom was blind, he was blind, too, in another sense.
There was a long silence. Tom had halted in his walk by the chimney-piece, and was poking62 a paper spill down his pipe stem. Markham was sitting at the table, puzzled and helpless. It was a couple of minutes perhaps before Tom spoke63. Then he spoke decidedly.
“I’m not going to bother about it,” he said. “I don’t understand what it all means, but I don’t understand what most things mean. If it is a big thing, you may be sure that there are many ways of getting at it. One man can’t see all the way round a big thing. You are at one side of it, Ted, perhaps I am nowhere; but then, again, I may be at the other side of it. I may be meant to come to it by roads you can never guess of. If I am meant to know it, I shall know it some time. By-the-by, we play tennis at ten to-morrow.”
“You’ve got a lecture at ten,” said Markham.
“Many things may happen at ten,” said Tom “but the probability is in favour of only one thing happening. I don’t think the lecture has supreme64 rights. However, if it has, you won’t get a game.{67}”
“Oh, but you promised you’d play!” said Markham unwisely.
“I can’t go back on that,” said Tom. “I never promised to go to a lecture. You shall give me breakfast at nine—or perhaps a little after nine. Let’s call it nine-ish. ”
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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acquiescence
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| n.默许；顺从 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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sculptor
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| n.雕刻家，雕刻家 | |
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ted
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| vt.翻晒，撒，撒开 | |
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loathed
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| v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 )；极不喜欢 | |
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loathe
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unlimited
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sculptors
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| 雕刻家，雕塑家( sculptor的名词复数 )； [天]玉夫座 | |
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fabric
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synonym
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immorality
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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frankly
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brute
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inclinations
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| 倾向( inclination的名词复数 )； 倾斜； 爱好； 斜坡 | |
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tracts
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interfere
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ferment
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dissertation
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incapable
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meditating
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earrings
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sepulchral
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sociable
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tune
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fretting
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determined
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thoroughly
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gathering
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standing
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tack
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astonishment
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deliberately
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chapel
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mingling
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dissuade
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overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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flaring
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| a.火焰摇曳的，过份艳丽的 | |
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conversion
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| n.转化，转换，转变 | |
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savings
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| n.存款，储蓄 | |
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sumptuous
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| adj.豪华的，奢侈的，华丽的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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hymn
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| n.赞美诗，圣歌，颂歌 | |
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militant
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| adj.激进的，好斗的；n.激进分子，斗士 | |
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poke
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| n.刺，戳，袋；vt.拨开，刺，戳；vi.戳，刺，捅，搜索，伸出，行动散慢 | |
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bonnet
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| n.无边女帽；童帽 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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reticent
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| adj.沉默寡言的；言不如意的 | |
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intelligibly
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| adv.可理解地，明了地，清晰地 | |
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chapels
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| n.小教堂， （医院、监狱等的）附属礼拜堂( chapel的名词复数 )；（在小教堂和附属礼拜堂举行的）礼拜仪式 | |
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irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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banking
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| n.银行业，银行学，金融业 | |
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atheist
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| n.无神论者 | |
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drenching
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| n.湿透v.使湿透( drench的现在分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体） | |
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62
poking
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| n. 刺，戳，袋 vt. 拨开，刺，戳 vi. 戳，刺，捅，搜索，伸出，行动散慢 | |
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63
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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