The shadows lengthen1 when the sun descends2 in the heavens; and those which, in the broad light, enhance the brilliancy of all things now overspread and gradually extinguish them. Thus do our anxieties increase when our joy lessens3; and those which made us smile in the plenitude of our happiness before long make us weep....
She has lied to me! I am sure now that she has lied! What has she done? What can she be hiding from me? I can imagine nothing that could kill the interest which I take in her, but she has lied! I was certain of it yesterday, after our talk, when I remembered her blushes and her embarrassment4. I wanted to write to her then and could not. Darkness has fallen suddenly between her and me; and I no longer know to whom I am speaking; I no longer know what soul hears me nor at what heart I knocked!
A friend's lie hurts us even more than it humiliates5 us; it tells us that we have not been understood and that we inspire distrust or fear. I remember saying to her, one day:
"I would rather know that you hate me than ever feel that you fear me. You must hide nothing from me, unless you want to wound me deeply; for the person to whom we feel obliged to lie is much more responsible for our lie than even we are."
But how can I hope that every one of my words will be remembered and understood and turned to account! I enjoy talking into the soul of this great baby as one likes singing in an unfurnished house; and I am none the less conscious of the illusion of it all. If we are to influence a fellow-creature, we do so best without aiming at it too carefully. Success comes with time, by intercourse6 and example.
2
We are now on the threshold of autumn and the days are already short. By seven o'clock, all the farms are sleeping....
When I left Rose yesterday, it was understood that she should sometimes come to see me in the
evening, when her day's work has not been too hard. She is to come across the downs and tap at the shutters7 of the room where I sit every evening after dinner.
To-day, I was hoping that she would not come and I gave a start of annoyance8 when I heard her whisper outside the window:
"Mummy! Mummy, dear!"
It is a name which she sometimes gives me in play. Women who have no children and do not expect ever to have any lend to all their emotions an extra tenderness, an extra solicitude9. It is that unemployed10 force in our hearts which is striving for union with others.
Still, her affection displeased11 me this evening and, while I was putting on a wrap, my hands trembled with irritation12. Rose, thinking that I had not heard her, raised her voice a little and repeated:
"Mummy! It's your little girl!"
I go out into the moonless, starless night, with my eyes still full of the light indoors; and our hands meet blindly before exchanging a pressure. She says good-evening and I kiss her without answering. I am afraid of betraying my ill-humour; I feel that I am hard and spiteful, but I hope that the mood
will pass; and my anger, because it remains13 unspoken, takes a form that favours forgiveness. If she confesses of her own accord, without being impelled14 to do so by my attitude, I know that my confidence in her will revive.
We walk in silence through the sombre avenue. The night seems darker because no sound disturbs its stillness; only the dead leaves, swept along by our skirts, drag along, utter a cry like rending16 silk.
Rose sighed:
"One would think the air was listening!"
I could not help exclaiming:
"That's rather fine, what you said then!"
And silence closes in again around our two little lives, both doubtless stirred by one and the same thought.
We go a little farther and sit down in the fields, where an unfinished haystack offers us a couch. We can hardly distinguish the line of the horizon between the dark earth and the dark sky. A bat flits across our faces; and Rose says, quietly:
"It's flying low. That means fine weather to-morrow. I must get in the...."
And suddenly her voice breaks and she covers her face with her hands. All is silent....
I feel myself brutally17 good. The certainty of the coming confession18 encourages me in my coldness and I remain mute, while my heart is beating with pity and excitement....
But she speaks at last and each note of that tear-filled voice, by turns faltering19, violent and plaintive20, brings before my eyes, staring into the darkness, every step of her soul's calvary. I listen in astonishment21. And yet do we not know that every woman's existence has its secret? I see the long procession of those who have told me their story. The weakest of them had found strength to love; to yield to man's desire, the bravest had been cowardly, the truest had betrayed, the most loyal and upright had lied. Everywhen and everywhere the flame of life had found its way through rocks, thrust aside obstacles, subjugated22 wills. Even the woman whom nature had most jealously defended, the plain woman whom I saw imprisoned23 in a stunted24 shape and condemned25 to live behind an ugly mask, even she, when she told me her love-story, compelled me to believe that she had been the most beloved, perhaps, and her passion the most heroic.
Rose, following the common law, had no strength to fulfil her own will, but all strength to obey another's.
Soon after arriving at Sainte-Colombe, five years ago, she came to know a young man who had since left the district. One day, when they were alone in the farmhouse26 kitchen, he flung his arms around her and, without a word, overcame her feeble resistance....
I could not help interrupting her story:
"Did you love him, Rose?"
"No," she said, "I did not!"
"Then, why did you yield?... Why?"
"I don't know," she sobbed27. "He had such a strange, wild look, I was frightened...."
"But what did you do afterwards?"
"He asked me to go and see him; and I went whenever he asked me...."
"Then your godmother didn't know?"
"She guessed it on the first day; and, when I refused to take anything from him, she beat me and locked me up."
"Well, what then?"
"I managed to get out at night, by the roof...."
I would not let the subject drop:
"Then you were very, very happy when you were with him?"
But she exclaimed, artlessly:
"Oh, not at all! But he loved me, he said; and I thought that he would always stay here, for my sake.... He went away soon, without letting me know. When I understood that he was not coming back, I loathed28 myself and him ... and I tried to do away with myself...."
She burst into fresh sobs29.
I should have liked to rise and lead her away. I should have liked to say:
"Come, cease these repinings; let us walk across the silent fields and forget all this for ever! Every one feels love differently and looks at it in a different light. Come, waste no time in repentance30 and don't go on being angry with that man! Faults that diminish our ignorance are not faults, but almost graces which chance bestows31 upon us. Come! And break away from the bitterness that is spoiling your beauty!"
But, with a sigh, she leant her head on my shoulder and I sat motionless and dumb: that little action on her part suddenly altered the whole course of my feelings.
At moments of deep emotion, many different voices speak in our hearts. They seem to clash, to drown and contradict one another; but really they
are hesitating and waiting. Even as human voices require the striking of a chord before harmonising, so do these inner voices wait for our unhappy friend to speak a word that shall unconsciously give the note of the thoughts that will comfort and soothe32 him.
Rose whispered:
"Oh, you do not speak! Your silence frightens me!"
"Don't be afraid of it, dearest. Silence nearly always means that the words which will follow will be just." And, summoning all my tenderness, I added, "You see, I am trying to bind33 all my most diverse thoughts together. I should like to hand them to you as I would a bunch of flowers, for you to choose the one that will restore your peace of mind. I am afraid of hurting you, I understand your wound so well."
The girl presses against my breast; and our kisses meet in a spontaneous outburst of affection....
Sadly I think of all those who are weeping, weeping over like sorrows. There are other wounded hearts bleeding in mine; my memory echoes with the mournful prayers of the poor deluded34 victims of love. Alas35, we are all subject to the cruel and exquisite36
law that absorbs the firmest wills in its indifferent strength!
I feel Roseline's hands quivering under my fingers, but I dare not speak. The silence of the fields and the solemn darkness awe37 me. Do not our least words seem to be written on the velvet38 of the night in precious and lasting39 letters?...
3
At last, I wiped away her tears and long and gently tried to rally her. But, suddenly drawing herself up, Rose cried:
"I don't understand you, I no longer understand you! What you are saying is just so much more silence and I wait for your judgment40 in vain! You have, you must have, an opinion on what I have done. The reason why I hesitated so long to confess my fault was because I knew instinctively41 that you would blame me; and now I feel you so far from me.... Please judge me, be angry with me: it will be easier for you to forgive me afterwards!..."
I do not know why this blind insistence42 offended me. Until then I had remained calm; but at her words there burst from the depths of my being the
voice of instinct, that voice which I had tried to stifle43, almost unconsciously, by force of habit and training.... Oh, that blatant44, piercing voice! It seemed to me to rend15 the darkness, to scoff45 at my heart and my sweet reasonableness! It was as though I saw all my kindly46 dreams of tolerance47 and indulgence fly into a thousand splinters! Never had I so clearly realised their brittleness48. My anger was all the greater because it was still trammelled by fragments of my reason.
I placed my hands on her shoulders and shouted close to her face, which my eyes could not distinguish:
"Why, why will you rouse my instinct, my nerves, all those things which should never interfere49 in our judgments50 and beyond which we should try to look if we would understand the actions of others? You give the name of silence to the words spoken by my reason and you wish to be judged by a blind and senseless power! But that idiot power mercilessly condemns51 all the faults committed in its name! That power, which is making me tremble now with excitement, will tell you that you could have done nothing worse! Do you understand? Nothing, nothing! And it will overwhelm you with reproaches. For it
is not your action that revolts me; it is your apathy52, your flabbiness, your cowardice53!... You gave yourself without knowing why! You did not surrender for the sake of the joy that makes us fairer and better! You did not surrender because love had taken your heart by storm! You did not sacrifice yourself to an idea: had it been vile54 and base, I could still have accepted it! No, you gave yourself without knowing why! You obeyed the will of the first-comer, as the silliest and most docile55 of wives obeys the recognised canons and conventions ... without knowing why!... Ah, Rose, Rose! I wanted to help you to become strong and free. What a character, what a disposition56 you bring me! And yet I did not ask so much! I wanted your nature to have strength and flexibility57, so that my hands might have taken it and moulded it. I looked forward to shaping it and giving it nobility and refinement58...."
Tears choked my words. At that moment, the disappointment appeared to me complete and irreparable. Still, so as not to sadden her unduly59, I murmured:
"Do not misunderstand me, my poor Rose; I am not saying that you soiled yourself by yielding to
that man. I should not care much if you had; for, if the fairest forms could take birth from the mud in the gutter60, you would see me plunge61 my hands in it without reluctance62. No, what distresses63 me is your weakness; and I have simply likened your nature to a substance without consistency64 and impossible to mould."
Rose moaned and sobbed:
"To please you, I will brave everything.... Don't forsake65 me!... Go on loving me!..."
I divined rather than saw the body lying prone66, with her head on the ground; and the paler shadow of her hair reminded me of the dear beauty of her. I grew calmer. The comfort of having said all that I had to say relieved my heart and sent rippling67 through my veins68, like a cool stream, a more natural indulgence than that which had animated69 me at first. Bending over Rose, I reflected that reason weighs heavily on a woman's breast and that it is well to thrust it aside occasionally. I tried to reassure70 her between my kisses:
"I am wrong to be so irritable71 and despondent72; forgive me! I believe that your nature will never be vivid or strong; but your newly-developed conscience will save you from fresh weaknesses. Besides,
in some direction we shall find what you are capable of. Destiny asks little of us when we have little to give it; and events pass us by of their own accord. Your life can be gentle and passive and still be useful and good. It is my own fault if I am disappointed: I am always more or less of a child; and I become passionately73 enthusiastic on the strength of a smile, or a pure outline, or a beautiful profile. I ought not to have looked in you for what existed only in my imagination...."
"Then you are no longer angry with me?"
"Why should I be?"
I kissed her tenderly. Poor child, so she had suffered through love! I pitied her; and yet the happiness of knowing her a little better swallowed up my pity. Things move quickly in those who, not believing in heaven, seek upon earth the beginning and the end of life and all that comes between. And they come to prefer to the highest joys those which foster a clearer vision and a truer comprehension.
And, trying to explain myself, I added:
"One would think that a time comes when we judge like a traveller looking out from the top of a tower. All the differences melt into unity74 before
his eyes. He turns slowly and sees, on the one side, the forest; on the other, the sea; at his feet, the noisy town, the world; a little farther, the calm and peace of the fields; and, overhead, the infinite indifference75 of the skies. And, like him, we are engrossed76 in what we discover and we no longer see the tower by which we climbed nor feel that on which our feet stand; and we are nothing, nothing but a thinking light that settles upon some life."
4
We lay stretched in the clover that was still warm from the heat of the day; and our arms were locked and our hair intertwined. My cheek cooled hers, which her tears had set on fire; and the sombre peace of the sky sank into us. We were both filled with the peculiar77 happiness that comes after a painful confession, a happiness whose source is a sense of security, a joy that seems yearning78 to cover us with its wings for one halcyon79 hour.
"Rose, darling, never forget the feeling of relief which you have now. That sense of security is infinitely80 precious. Let its fragrance81 remain with you for ever. May it become impossible for you to do
without it. Seek it, insist upon it silently, even from the strangers whom you may meet. Falsehood destroys the perfume and the bloom of women: it makes them colourless and uniformly commonplace. Always have the courage to be true. A sort of secret combat is waged between any two persons who meet for the first time. Remember that, as a woman, you have always the choice of weapons; and choose them frankly82. In so doing, you will gain courage and assurance and the great strength that springs from harmony, from the perfect accord of our body, our mind and our speech. I do not say that you will necessarily conquer with that weapon, but I do say that, even if defeated, you will, contrary to the general rule, feel mightier83 and more exultant84 than before!"
A star appeared, a quiver ran through the trees near by and passed over all the earth. The night was rising.
I was at my ease beside my companion; our hearts were again at one. That love-incident, however lacking in love, had brought her nearer to me.
"I do not know which path you will choose, my Rose; but we all have two roads by which to reach the goal for which we are making: to be or to seem.
The real lovers of life will always choose the first. They will arrive later; perhaps they will never arrive. But, after all, what does arriving mean?"
Rose at once retorted:
"Still, why have a goal, if not to reach it?"
The girl's practical logic85 amused me; and our laughter rang out in unison86 across the fields.
"Rose, morally speaking, the goal is really the means which we employ to attain87 it. It is a light which we voluntarily flash in front of our footsteps. We can neither miss it nor reach it, because it moves with us. It becomes greater or smaller or is renewed, according to the evolution of our strength and our life...."
We had risen from the ground and, as we talked, were slowly following the path that skirts the orchard88. Rose asked:
"Cannot you more or less describe your goal, the one you are speaking about?"
I hesitated for a moment and, almost involuntarily, murmured:
"To know a little more ... to see a little farther ... to understand a little better...."
Rose repeated, slowly and earnestly:
"To know a little more ... to see a little...."
But I laughingly stopped her, for the words sounded too serious in our young souls.
The orchard-gate closed between us. I was walking away, when Rose called to me:
"Come and kiss me again...."
I ran back to her. She leant over the hedge and I could only just distinguish her face. Then our lips met of themselves, like flowers that touch.
For a long time, in the still air, I heard her heavy footfall.
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1
lengthen
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| vt.使伸长，延长 | |
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descends
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| v.下来( descend的第三人称单数 )；下去；下降；下斜 | |
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lessens
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| 变少( lessen的第三人称单数 )； 减少（某事物） | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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humiliates
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| 使蒙羞，羞辱，使丢脸( humiliate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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shutters
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| 百叶窗( shutter的名词复数 )； （照相机的）快门 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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unemployed
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| adj.失业的，没有工作的；未动用的，闲置的 | |
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displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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13
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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14
impelled
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| v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
rend
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| vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取 | |
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16
rending
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| v.撕碎( rend的现在分词 )；分裂；（因愤怒、痛苦等而）揪扯（衣服或头发等）；（声音等）刺破 | |
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brutally
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| adv.残忍地，野蛮地，冷酷无情地 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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faltering
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| 犹豫的，支吾的，蹒跚的 | |
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plaintive
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| adj.可怜的，伤心的 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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subjugated
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| v.征服，降伏( subjugate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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imprisoned
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| 下狱，监禁( imprison的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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stunted
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| adj.矮小的；发育迟缓的 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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farmhouse
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| n.农场住宅（尤指主要住房） | |
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sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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loathed
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| v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 )；极不喜欢 | |
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sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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bestows
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的第三人称单数 ) | |
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soothe
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| v.安慰；使平静；使减轻；缓和；奉承 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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deluded
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| v.欺骗，哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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40
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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41
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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insistence
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| n.坚持；强调；坚决主张 | |
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43
stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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blatant
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| adj.厚颜无耻的；显眼的；炫耀的 | |
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45
scoff
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| n.嘲笑，笑柄，愚弄；v.嘲笑，嘲弄，愚弄，狼吞虎咽 | |
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46
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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brittleness
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| n.脆性，脆度，脆弱性 | |
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49
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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50
judgments
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| 判断( judgment的名词复数 )； 鉴定； 评价； 审判 | |
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51
condemns
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| v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的第三人称单数 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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52
apathy
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| n.漠不关心，无动于衷；冷淡 | |
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53
cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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54
vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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55
docile
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| adj.驯服的，易控制的，容易教的 | |
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56
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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57
flexibility
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| n.柔韧性，弹性，（光的）折射性，灵活性 | |
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58
refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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59
unduly
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| adv.过度地，不适当地 | |
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gutter
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| n.沟，街沟，水槽，檐槽，贫民窟 | |
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plunge
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| v.跳入，(使)投入，(使)陷入；猛冲 | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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distresses
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| n.悲痛( distress的名词复数 )；痛苦；贫困；危险 | |
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consistency
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| n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度 | |
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forsake
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| vt.遗弃，抛弃；舍弃，放弃 | |
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prone
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| adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的 | |
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rippling
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| 起涟漪的，潺潺流水般声音的 | |
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veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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reassure
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| v.使放心，使消除疑虑 | |
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irritable
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| adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的 | |
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despondent
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| adj.失望的，沮丧的，泄气的 | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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unity
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| n.团结，联合，统一；和睦，协调 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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engrossed
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| adj.全神贯注的 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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halcyon
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| n.平静的，愉快的 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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81
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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82
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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83
mightier
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| adj. 强有力的，强大的，巨大的 adv. 很，极其 | |
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exultant
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| adj.欢腾的，狂欢的，大喜的 | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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86
unison
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| n.步调一致，行动一致 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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orchard
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| n.果园，果园里的全部果树，(美俚)棒球场 | |
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