The sum of it, more than twenty-one hundred dollars, staggered her. She hadn't dreamed that Quard possessed4 so much ready cash.
Carefully folding the bills of larger denomination5 into a neat, flat packet, she wrapped them in a handkerchief and hid them in the hollow of her bosom6, secured by a safety-pin to her ribbed silk undervest. The remainder, more than enough to cover all ordinary expenses en route to New York, she disposed of more accessibly, half in her handbag, half in one of her stockings.
Then extinguishing the light, she lay back, but not to sleep. The pressure of her emotions was too strong to let her lose touch with consciousness. As a general rule, sleeping-cars had no terrors for Joan; never a nervous woman, her thoroughly7 sound and healthy organization permitted her to sleep almost at will, even under such discouraging circumstances as those provided by modern railway accommodations. But that night she lay awake till dawn flushed the windows with its wash of grey, awake and staring wide of eye into the gloom of her section, listening to the snores of conscienceless neighbours, and thinking, thinking—thinking endlessly and acutely.
But they were thoughts singularly uncoloured by remorse8 for what she had done or fear of its consequences.
She was not in the least sorry she had taken Quard's money; she was glad. The mere9 amount of it was proof enough for Joan that her husband had lied to her about the earnings10 of the sketch11, had lied from the very beginning; otherwise he could by no means have laid by so much in the term of their booking to date. And for that, he deserved to suffer. She was only sorry he might not be made to understand how heavily he was paying for those months of deception12. But that was something Quard would never know: with the story of the bell-boy he must be content; he must go through life placing the blame of his misfortune upon the heads of those nameless "stick-up men" of the Barbary Coast.
Nor was he likely to suffer otherwise. Joan was confident the man would manage somehow to find his feet financially, almost as soon as physically13. A telegram to his agent, Boskerk, would bring him aid if all else failed; the play was too constant an earner of heavy commissions for Boskerk to let it fall by the wayside for lack of a few hundred dollars. So was it too strong a "draw" on the vaudeville14 circuits to be blacklisted and barred by managers because of the temporary break-down: something which Quard would readily explain and excuse (and Joan could imagine how persuasively) with his moving yarn15 of foot-pads and knock-out drops. Nor would it be more than a temporary break-down; with Quard restored to his senses, the absence of the leading woman would prove merely a negligible check. Joan entertained no illusions as to her indispensability: once, in Denver, when she had been out of the cast for two consecutive16 performances, suffering with an ulcerated tooth, another actress had gone on and actually read the part from manuscript without materially lessening17 the dramatic effect of the playlet as a whole. Other women by the score could be found to fill her place acceptably enough, if few as handsomely (Joan soothed18 her pride with this reservation). "The Lie" would go on its conquering way without her—never fear!
And Quard? Joan curled a lip: he wouldn't pine away for her. She had come to know too well his shallow bag of tricks; and life to him was not life if he lacked one before whose dazzled vision he could air his graces and accomplishments—strut and crow and trail a handsome wing in the dust. Looking back she could see very clearly, now, how love had waned19 as soon as lust20 was sated in the man. That night in Cincinnati had been the turning point: he had refrained from drink only as long as his wife continued to intoxicate21 his senses.
And Joan?... In the stifling22 gloom of her curtained section the girl stretched luxuriously23, breathed deep, and smiled a secret, enigmatic smile. No more than he, would she waste herself away with grief and longing24. She was no longer another's but now her own mistress: a free adventurer, by the gold band upon her finger licensed25 to cruise with letters of marque.
Shortly before sunrise she fell asleep, still smiling, and slept on sweetly well into mid-morning. Then, rising, she refreshed herself in the wash-room, and went to a late breakfast with countenance26 as clear and firm and bright as if she had never known a wakeful hour.
The eyes of men followed her wherever she moved, and when she was seated alone in her section, dreaming over a magazine or gazing pensively27 out of the window, men discovered errands that took them to and fro in her vicinity more often than was warranted by any encouragement she gave them. For she gave them none, she ignored them every one. She was through with Man for good and all!
It was a brand new r?le, and to play it diverted her immensely for the time being....
She spent the greater part of her waking hours, during the next few days, planning what she would do with all that money. Clothes, of course, figured ever first in these projections28, and then a suite29 of rooms at some ostentatious hotel, and taxicabs when she went out to call on managers. How many times hadn't she heard Maizie Dean solemnly affirm that "a swell30 front does more to put you in right than anything else, with them lowlifers"?
And again she was pleasurably diverted by a vision of herself, extravagantly31 gowned, returning to recount her Odyssey32 to an admiring audience composed of Ma, Edna, and, perhaps, Butch; at the close of which she would distribute largesse33, not forgetting to return Butch's loan with open-handed interest, and go on her way rejoicing, pursued by envious34 benedictions35....
New York received her like a bridegroom, clothed in April sunshine as in a suit of golden mail, amazingly splendid and joyous36. After that weary grind of inland towns and cities, differing one from another only in degrees of griminess, greyness, and dullness, New York seemed Paradise Regained37 to Joan. She had not believed it could seem so beautiful, so magnificent, so sensuously38 seductive.
In the exaltation of that delirious39 hour she plunged40 madly into a department store near the Pennsylvania Station, even before securing lodgings42, and bought herself a pair of cheap white kid gloves, simply for the sheer voluptuousness43 of possessing once again something newly purchased in New York.
It was the beginning of an orgy. Joan hadn't thought how shabby and travel-worn she must seem until she donned those fresh and staring gloves and saw them in relief against the wrinkled and dusty garments she had worn across the continent.
Thoughtful, she sought a nearby mirror and looked herself over, then shook her head and turned away to check her suit-case at the parcels desk and surrender herself body and mind to the sweet dissipation of clothing herself afresh from top to toe....
But first of all she visited the hairdressing and manicuring department: she meant to be altogether spick-and-span before venturing forth44 to woo and win anew this old and misprized lover, her New York.
It was the head saleswoman of the suit department whose remote disdain45 led Joan deeper into extravagance.
The girl had selected a taffeta costume which, while by no means the most expensive or the handsomest in stock, possessed the advantage of fitting well her average figure, requiring no alterations46. On paying for it she announced her desire to put it on at once and have her old suit sent home.
"Reully?" drawled the saleswoman, disappointed in her efforts to induce the girl to buy a higher-priced suit which did require alterations. Conjuring47 a pencil from the fastnesses of her back-hair, she produced an order pad. "Miss—what did you say? Ah, Thursday! Thanks. What numba, please? Is it in the city?"
Joan flushed, but controlled her impulse to wither48 and blast this insolent49 animal.
"The Waldorf-Astoria," she said quietly—though never once had she ventured within the doors of that establishment—and withdrew in triumph to make her change of clothing.
And having committed herself to this extent, she enjoyed ordering everything sent to that hotel, which in her as yet somewhat na?ve understanding was synonymous with the last word in the sybaritism of metropolitan50 life.
Her long experience on the road had served thoroughly to break her in to the ways of hotels, however, and she betrayed no diffidence in the matter of approaching the room-clerk for accommodations. Nor did she, apparently51, find anything dismaying in the price she was asked to pay for a bedroom with private bath. It was only when, at length relieved of the attentions of the bell-boy whose unconcealed admiration52 alone was worth the quarter Joan gave him as a tip, she had inspected first her new quarters and then herself in a pier-glass, that the girl gave herself over to alternate tremors53 of self-approval and trepidation54. These last were only increased when she reckoned up the money she had left, and appreciated how much she had spent in that one wild afternoon of shopping.
On the other hand, she reminded herself, a complete new wardrobe was a necessity to one whose former outfit55 was lost beyond recall. Quard would never have forwarded the clothing she had left behind in San Francisco, even if she could have found the effrontery56 to write and demand it. And if she had expended57 upwards58 of five hundred dollars since reaching New York, there was less extravagance in that than might have been suspected; she had purchased cannily59 in almost every instance and, at worst, but few things that she could well have done without in that sphere of life to which she felt herself called.
The excitement of unwrapping those parcels which began presently to arrive in shoals, and of reviewing such purchases as she had not worn to the hotel on her back, in time completely reassured60 her. It was with the composure of restored self-confidence and esteem61 that she presently went down to dinner.
Conscious that she was looking her handsome best in a modish62 afternoon gown, she was able to receive the attentions of the head-waiter with just the proper degree of indifference63, to order a simple meal and consume it appreciatively without seeming aware that she dined in strange surroundings.
But all the while she was consumed with admiration of herself for her audacity64, as well as with not a little awe-stricken wonder at the child of fortune, who in the space of one brief year—of less, indeed, than that full period—had risen from the stocking-counter of a department store and the squalor and poverty of East Seventy-sixth Street to the dignity of a leading woman and the affluence65 of lodging41 at the Waldorf!
True, she now lacked an engagement; but she had to support her demands for new employment the prestige of a successful season with "The Lie"—"the vaudeville sensation of the year," as Quard had truthfully described it.
Need she fret66 herself with vain questionings of an inscrutable future, who had made such amazing progress in so short a time?
Surely she was justified67 in assuming that the end for her was not yet, that she was dedicated68 to some far richer and more gorgeous destiny than any she had ever conceived in her most wild imaginings.
She had only to watch herself: she was her own sole enemy, with her fondness for the admiration of men and their society. Let them realize that weakness, and she was lost, doomed69 to the way too many capable girls had gone, to the end of infamy70 and despair. But if only she had the wit and art to make men think her weakness theirs....
And that much Joan was sure she possessed: she believed she had learned to know Man better than herself.
She meant to go far, now, a great deal farther than she had ever thought to go in those quaint71, far-off days when the crown of her ambition had been to paint her pretty face, wear silken tights upon her pretty legs, and beat a drum in the chorus of Ziegfield's Follies72.
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1
berth
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| n.卧铺，停泊地，锚位；v.使停泊 | |
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thrift
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| adj.节约，节俭；n.节俭，节约 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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denomination
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| n.命名，取名，(度量衡、货币等的)单位 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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7
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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8
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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9
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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earnings
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| n.工资收人；利润，利益，所得 | |
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sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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12
deception
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| n.欺骗，欺诈；骗局，诡计 | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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vaudeville
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| n.歌舞杂耍表演 | |
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15
yarn
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| n.纱，纱线，纺线；奇闻漫谈，旅行轶事 | |
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16
consecutive
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| adj.连续的，联贯的，始终一贯的 | |
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17
lessening
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| 减轻，减少，变小 | |
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18
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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19
waned
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| v.衰落( wane的过去式和过去分词 )；（月）亏；变小；变暗淡 | |
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20
lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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21
intoxicate
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| vt.使喝醉，使陶醉，使欣喜若狂 | |
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22
stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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luxuriously
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| adv.奢侈地，豪华地 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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licensed
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| adj.得到许可的v.许可，颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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pensively
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| adv.沉思地，焦虑地 | |
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projections
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| 预测( projection的名词复数 )； 投影； 投掷； 突起物 | |
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29
suite
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| n.一套(家具)；套房；随从人员 | |
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30
swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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extravagantly
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| adv.挥霍无度地 | |
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32
odyssey
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| n.长途冒险旅行；一连串的冒险 | |
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largesse
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| n.慷慨援助，施舍 | |
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envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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benedictions
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| n.祝福( benediction的名词复数 )；（礼拜结束时的）赐福祈祷；恩赐；（大写）（罗马天主教）祈求上帝赐福的仪式 | |
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36
joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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sensuously
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| adv.感觉上 | |
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39
delirious
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| adj.不省人事的，神智昏迷的 | |
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40
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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41
lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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42
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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43
voluptuousness
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| n.风骚，体态丰满 | |
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44
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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45
disdain
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| n.鄙视，轻视；v.轻视，鄙视，不屑 | |
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46
alterations
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| n.改动( alteration的名词复数 )；更改；变化；改变 | |
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47
conjuring
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| n.魔术 | |
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48
wither
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| vt.使凋谢，使衰退，(用眼神气势等)使畏缩；vi.枯萎，衰退，消亡 | |
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49
insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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50
metropolitan
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| adj.大城市的，大都会的 | |
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51
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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52
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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53
tremors
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| 震颤( tremor的名词复数 )； 战栗； 震颤声； 大地的轻微震动 | |
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54
trepidation
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| n.惊恐，惶恐 | |
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55
outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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56
effrontery
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| n.厚颜无耻 | |
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57
expended
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| v.花费( expend的过去式和过去分词 )；使用（钱等）做某事；用光；耗尽 | |
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58
upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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59
cannily
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| 精明地 | |
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60
reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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61
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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62
modish
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| adj.流行的，时髦的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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64
audacity
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| n.大胆，卤莽，无礼 | |
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affluence
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| n.充裕，富足 | |
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66
fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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67
justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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69
doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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70
infamy
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| n.声名狼藉，出丑，恶行 | |
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71
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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72
follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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