"How do you feel now?" inquired Donaldson.
Arsdale hitched5 forward and resting his chin in his hands, elbows on knees, stared at the floor.
"Like hell," he answered.
Donaldson frowned.
"You deserve to, but you oughtn't," he said.
"Oh, I deserve it all right. I deserve it—and more!"
"Yes, you do. But that does n't help any."
Arsdale groaned6.
"There is n't any help. I 've made a beastly mess out of my life, out of myself."
"I wish I could disagree, but I can't," answered Donaldson.
He walked up and down a moment before the fellow studying him. He was worried and perplexed7. The task before him was an unpleasant one. He had to overcome a natural repugnance8 to interference in the life of another. Under ordinary circumstances he would have watched Arsdale go to his doom9 with a feeling of nothing but indifference10. In his own passion for individual liberty he neither demanded nor accepted sympathy for personal misfortunes or mistakes, and in turn was loath11 to trespass12 either upon the rights or duties of another, but his own life, through the medium of the boy's sister, was so inextricably entangled13 with this other that now he recognized the inevitability15 of such interference. On his success or failure to arouse Arsdale largely depended the happiness of the girl.
"No," he reflected aloud, "the question is n't how much punishment you deserve, for the pain you suffer personally does n't, unfortunately, remedy matters in the slightest. It wouldn't do you any good for me to kick you about the room or I 'd do it. It would n't do you any good for me to turn you over to the police or I 'd do that. You 're hard to get hold of because there's so little left of you."
Arsdale made no reply. He remained motionless.
"But," continued Donaldson with emphasis, "that does n't make it any the less necessary. You 've got to pull what is left together—you 've got to play the man with what remains16. You can't get all the punishment you deserve and so you 've got to deserve less. This, not for your own sake, but for the sake of the girl,—for the sake of the girl you struck."
"Don't!"
Arsdale quailed17. He glanced up at Donaldson with a look that made the latter see again Barstow's dog Sandy as he had tottered18 in his death throes. But the mere19 fact that the man quivered back from this shameful20 thing was encouraging. It was upon this alone that Donaldson based his hope, upon this single drop of uncorrupted Arsdale blood which still nourished some tiny spot in the burned out brain.
"You must make such reparation as you can," continued Donaldson. "Your life is n't long enough to do it fully21, but you can accomplish something towards it if you start at once."
Arsdale shook his head.
"It's all a beastly mess. It 's too late!"
Donaldson's lips tightened22.
"Well," he asked, "if you are n't going to do what you can, what do you propose?"
Thickly Arsdale answered,
"I know a way; I 'm going to pull out for the sake of Elaine!"
Donaldson started as at the cut of a whip-lash. Then he straightened to meet face to face this new development. Somehow this contingency23 had never occurred to him. Now for the moment it disarmed24 him, for it brought him down, like a wounded bird, to the level of Arsdale himself. As voiced by the latter the act expressed the climax25 of simpering cowardice26. Donaldson, in the first shock of finding himself included in the same indictment27 with the very man for whom he had had so little mercy, felt the same powerlessness that had paralyzed this other. He was shorn of his strength. He blinked as stupidly at Arsdale as Arsdale had blinked at him.
But even as he stood with loose lips before the infirm features of the younger man, he realized that Arsdale's talk had been the chatter28 of a child. He had used the phrase idly and, although it was possible he might in just as idle a mood commit the act itself, Donaldson was convinced that it was not yet a fixed29 idea. With this came the inspiration which gave him a fresh grip upon himself, that revealed his great opportunity; he would make Arsdale see all that he himself had learned in these few days. So in reality he would be giving the best of his life to another.
It was like oxygen to one struggling for breath through congested lungs. He went to the window and in great deep-chested inhalations stood for a moment drinking in not only the fresh air but with it the spirit of the eager, turbulent world which was bathed in it, the world that he now saw so clearly. The sun flashing from the neighboring windows glinted its glad message of life; the rumbling30 of the passing traffic roared it to him in a thundering message, like that of shattered sea waves; the deep cello-like undernote of the city itself sang it to him. And the message of all the voices was just, "It is good to live! It is good to be!"
He turned back, seeing a new man in the chair before him. Here was a brother—a brother in a truer sense than a better man could have been. Coming from different directions, along different roads, through different temptations, they had reached at last the crumbling31 edge of the same dark chasm32. They faced the same eternal problem. That made them brothers. But Donaldson had already seen, already learned; that made him the stronger brother.
His face was alight, his body alert, as he came to Arsdale's side. The latter looked up at him in surprise, feeling his presence before he saw. Donaldson's first words stirred him,
"You can't pull out," he said, "because you 're out already. You must pull in. Don't you see,—you must pull back!"
"You don't understand what I mean."
"A great deal better than you yourself do. And in the light of that understanding I tell you that you can't do it,—that it is n't the way."
"I 'm no good to any one," Arsdale complained dully. "I don't see why it would n't be better for everyone if I just quit."
The word quit was a biting gnome33 to Donaldson.
"I know," he answered. "But it is n't right—all because you don't know and you can't know what you 're quitting. You can't just look around you and see. You wouldn't just be quitting the girl who perhaps does n't need you, though you can't even tell that; you would n't be quitting just your friends who can get along without you—though even that is n't sure; you 'd be quitting the others, the unseen others, the unknown others, who are waiting for you, perhaps a year from now, perhaps twenty years from now, but in their need waiting for you. They are waiting for you, understand, and for no one else. Just you, no matter how weak you are, or how poor you are, or how worthless you are, because it is you and no one else who will fit into their lives to help complete them."
"I 'd bring nothing but trouble. I 've been no good to any one."
"You can't help being good to some one. Queer it sounds, but I believe that's true. A man never lived, so mean that he didn't do good to some one."
"You believe that?" demanded Arsdale.
"Yes. I know that. I know that, Arsdale!" he answered, his lips tremulous, a deep-seated light in his eyes. "I know that you can't possibly be so useless, so cowardly, so utterly34 bad, but what you 're still more useless, still more of a coward, still worse when you quit! Maybe we can't see how—maybe at the time we can't realize it, but it's so. Some one will get at the good in us if we just fight along, no matter how we may cover it up."
Arsdale straightened in his chair. His shaking fingers clutched the chair arms. But the next second his face clouded.
"Tell me what good I 've done," he demanded aggressively.
Donaldson smiled. He could n't very well tell the man the details of these last few days and what they meant to him, but they proved his claim. Arsdale had been, if nothing else, a connecting link. It was he, even this self-indulgent weakling, who had brought Donaldson to his own, who had led Donaldson, through a series of self-revealing incidents, to where he could stand quivering with the truth of life, and give of his strength back to this man to pay the debt. Yes, he knew what Arsdale had accomplished35, and before he was through the latter should feel its effect.
"Man," answered Donaldson almost solemnly, "you have done your good—even you, in spite of yourself."
"But not to Elaine where I should have done most!"
Donaldson's hand rested a moment on Arsdale's shoulder.
"Yes," he said, "I like to think you have been of some service even to her."
Arsdale rose to his feet.
"If I could think that—if I could look her in the eyes again!"
"Look her in the eyes! Keep those eyes before you! Never get where those eyes can't follow you! And as you look take my word for it that even there by a strange chance you 've done your good."
The man in Arsdale was at the top. For a second he faced Donaldson as one man should face another. Then he tottered and fell back in his chair, covering his face with his hands.
"It's too late," he groaned, "God, it's too late!"
Donaldson seized him by the shoulder and dragged him to his feet—not in anger, not in contempt, but in his naked eagerness to make the man see. Half supporting him, he drew him to the window. He threw it wide open.
"Too late!" he cried, waving his hand at the brisk scene upon the street. "Too late! It is n't too late so long as there's a living world out there, so long as there's a man or a woman out there! It isn't too late because there's work for you to do, work for others that you 've shirked. What is it? I don't know, but it's there. Dig around until you find it. Maybe to-day it was only to give a nickel to the blind beggar at the corner, maybe it was only to help an old lady across the street, maybe it was to do some kindness to your sister. I don't know what it was, but I know it was something, and went undone36 because of you."
Arsdale, leaning against the window-sill, strained towards Donaldson.
"That's a queer idea," he whispered hoarsely37.
"And another thing," continued Donaldson, "tangled14 up with those duties are all the joys of the world. You 've been looking for them somewhere else—I 've been looking for them somewhere else—but it is n't any use. They are right there with your duties—in the keeping of other people, the unseen others. And they couldn't be bought, not with all the gold in the world. They must be given if you get them at all."
Arsdale was listening eagerly. It was as much the spirit back of the words as the words themselves that made him feel the stirring of a new power which was a new hope.
"You!" he exclaimed. "You make a man feel that you know! But the hellish smoke-hunger—you don't know anything of that."
"It's a part of the same hellish selfishness which eats the vitals out of everything. Get out of yourself, get into the lives of others, and the smoke-hunger will quit you. You could n't go down where you 've been and made a beast of yourself if you cared more about others than yourself. The power that drove you down there would n't mean anything if a stronger power held you back. The point is, Arsdale, the point is, that all by himself a man is n't worth much. He does n't count. Either he dries up or he rots."
"That's true! That's true!" answered Arsdale. "And I 've rotted. If only I had found you a year ago!"
"A year ago is dead and buried. Let it alone. Think of the live things; think of the Now! There 's a big, strong world all around you, pulsating38 with life; there 's sunshine in the morning and stars at night—and they are alive; there are flowers, and birds, and grasses—all alive; there are live men and women, live questions, and there is your sister. The world would be alive—would be worth while if you had only her. She 's a world in herself."
"You are right. Man, how you know!"
"Can't you see it yourself? Can't you feel the thrill of it all?"
"Yes," answered Arsdale, his eyes as alive as Donaldson's, "I see. I feel. And if I had your strength—"
"You have the strength! You have everything you need in just your beating heart and the days ahead of you. Buck39 up to it!—Go and meet life half-way. Throw yourself at life! The trouble with you and me is that we stand still, all curled up in ourselves as in a chrysalis. You must give yourself room, you must break free from your own selfish conceit40, you must reach a point where you don't give a damn about yourself! Do you hear—where all the worrying you do is about others? Then don't worry."
Arsdale was breathing through his nostrils41, his lips closed.
"It's going to be a hard fight," he said. "It 's going to be a hard fight, but you make me feel as though I could do it."
"A hard fight," cried Donaldson. "Why, man, I 'd strip myself down to you—I 'd go back to where you stand to-day for the fighting chance you have."
"You'd—what?"
Donaldson caught his breath. For a moment he was silent, staring at the eager life upon the street. Then he turned again to Arsdale.
"I 'd like to swap42 places with you—that's all," he said.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
slumped
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| 大幅度下降，暴跌( slump的过去式和过去分词 )； 沉重或突然地落下[倒下] | |
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2
outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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3
sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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4
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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5
hitched
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| （免费）搭乘他人之车( hitch的过去式和过去分词 )； 搭便车； 攀上； 跃上 | |
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6
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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7
perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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repugnance
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| n.嫌恶 | |
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9
doom
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| n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定 | |
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10
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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11
loath
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| adj.不愿意的；勉强的 | |
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12
trespass
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| n./v.侵犯，闯入私人领地 | |
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13
entangled
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| adj.卷入的；陷入的；被缠住的；缠在一起的v.使某人（某物/自己）缠绕，纠缠于（某物中），使某人（自己）陷入（困难或复杂的环境中）( entangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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14
tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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15
inevitability
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| n.必然性 | |
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16
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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17
quailed
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| 害怕，发抖，畏缩( quail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
tottered
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| v.走得或动得不稳( totter的过去式和过去分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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19
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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20
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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21
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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22
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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23
contingency
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| n.意外事件，可能性 | |
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24
disarmed
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| v.裁军( disarm的过去式和过去分词 )；使息怒 | |
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25
climax
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| n.顶点；高潮；v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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26
cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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27
indictment
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| n.起诉；诉状 | |
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28
chatter
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| vi.／n.喋喋不休；短促尖叫；(牙齿)打战 | |
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29
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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30
rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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31
crumbling
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| adj.摇摇欲坠的 | |
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32
chasm
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| n.深坑，断层，裂口，大分岐，利害冲突 | |
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33
gnome
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| n.土地神；侏儒，地精 | |
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34
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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35
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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36
undone
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| a.未做完的，未完成的 | |
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37
hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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38
pulsating
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| adj.搏动的，脉冲的v.有节奏地舒张及收缩( pulsate的现在分词 )；跳动；脉动；受（激情）震动 | |
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39
buck
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| n.雄鹿，雄兔；v.马离地跳跃 | |
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40
conceit
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| n.自负，自高自大 | |
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41
nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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42
swap
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| n.交换；vt.交换，用...作交易 | |
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