A loaf of bread without even so much as a jug9 of wine would be paradise enow. Just the opportunity to live and breathe and have his being in this big pregnant universe was all he craved10. He needed nothing else. So the universe would be his.
He dared not try to read her thoughts. He had no right to do this. It did n't matter. Her love was not essential. If he deserved it, that would come. It was enough that she had given him back his dreams, that she had taken him back to those fragrant11 days when his uncrusted soul had known without knowing. It was enough that the sweetness of her had become an inseparable part of him for evermore. She was his now, even though he should never again lay eyes upon her. The only relief he had was in the thought that she had accomplished12 this without committing herself. At least he did not have the burden of her tender love upon his soul further to complicate13 matters.
So much he admitted frankly14; so much was fact. The problem which now confronted him was how he could best escape from involving her at all in the inevitable15 climax—how he could make his escape without destroying in her the ideals with which she had surrounded him and which she had a right to keep. He owed this to her, to Arsdale, and to the world of men.
A dozen times he was upon the point of pushing out into the dark. If he had followed his own impulse he would have taken some broad road and footed it hour after hour, through the night, through the next day, through the next night, and so till the end overtook him, striking him down in his tracks. He would get as far away as possible, keeping out under the broad expanse of the sky above. He could find rest only by taking a course straight on over the hills, turning aside for nothing, tearing a path through the tangle16.
But he still had his work to do. He must lend his strength to the boy so long as any strength was left. He must pound into him again and again the realization17 of life which he himself had been tempted18 to shirk. He must make him see,—must make him know. In recalling that scene in the room by the window, in recalling his own words to Arsdale, he felt strangely enough the force of his own thoughts entering into himself with new life. He listened as it were to himself. Even for him there were the Others. Down to the last arrow-sped minute there would still be the Others. Who knew what remained for him to do—charged with what influence might be even the manner in which he drew his last breath? If he stood up to it sturdily, if he faced death with his head high, his shoulders back, even though he might be cornered in his room like a rat in its hole, so the message might be wired silently into the heart of some poor devil struggling hard against his death throes and lend him courage.
At the end of two hours he undressed and tumbled upon the bed.
His room was next to Arsdale's room and during the night the latter came in.
"I 've had bad dreams about you," the boy exclaimed. "Is anything the matter?"
"I 'm not sleeping very well," Donaldson answered.
"You haven't a fever or anything?"
"No. Just restless."
"I have n't slept very well myself. I 've been doing so much thinking. That keeps a fellow awake."
"Yes—thinking does. You 'd better let your brain close up shop and get some rest."
"I can't. I 've been chewing over what you said, and the more I think of it, the more I see that you have the right idea. The secret of keeping happy is to fight for others. It's the only thing that will make a man put up a good fight, isn't it?"
"The only thing," answered Donaldson.
"I don't understand why I did n't realize that before—with Elaine here. You 'd think she would make a man realize that."
Donaldson did not answer.
"I think one reason is," continued the boy, "that until now, until lately, she's been so nervy herself that she did n't seem to need any one. She 's been stronger than I. But last night she looked like a little girl. And now, I'd like to die fighting for her."
Donaldson found the boy's hand.
"Never lose that spirit," he said earnestly. "But remember, she 's worth more than dying for, she 's worth living for."
"That's so. You put things right every time. She is worth living for. You are n't much good to people after you 're dead, are you?"
"Not as far as we know."
The boy hesitated a moment, a bit confused, and then blurted19 out,
"I 'm going to take up some sort of work. Perhaps you can help me get after something. We have loads of money, you know. I don't think much of giving it out as cash,—the charity idea. I 've a hunch20 that I 'd like to study law and then give my services free to the poor devils who need a man to look after their interests. They are darned small interests to men who are only after their fee, but they are big to the poor devils themselves. And generally they get done. Do you think I have it in me to study law?"
"You have it in you to study law with that idea back of you. You 'd make a great lawyer with that idea."
"Do you think so?" asked the boy eagerly.
"I know it."
"Then perhaps—perhaps—say, would you be willing to take me in with you?"
Donaldson moved uneasily.
"It sounds sort of kiddish, but I know that I 'd do better alongside of you. I 'd help you around the office. I 'd feel better, just to see you. Anyway, would you be willing to try me for a while until I sort of get my bearings?"
"I like the idea," answered Donaldson. "Let 's talk it over later. You see there's a chance that I may give up law."
"Give it up?"
"I may have to leave this part of the country—for good."
"Why, man," burst out Arsdale, "you wouldn't leave Elaine?"
The silence grew ominous21. The fighting spirit rose in Arsdale at the suggestion.
"You would n't leave Elaine?" he demanded again, turning towards the form on the bed which looked strangely huddled22 up.
"I must leave her with you," answered Donaldson unsteadily. The boy scarcely recognized the voice, but it roused him to a danger which he felt without understanding.
"Why, man dear," he exclaimed, "what would I count to Elaine with you gone? Don't you know? Have n't you seen?"
They were the identical words Donaldson had used in trying to open Arsdale's eyes to another great truth. And Donaldson knew that if they cut half as deep into the boy as they now cut into him they had left their mark. He found no answer. He listened with his breath coming as heavily as the boy's breath had come when they had stood before the open window.
Arsdale faltered23 for words.
"Why—why Elaine loves you!" he blurted out.
"Don't!"
So, too, the boy had exclaimed.
"Don't you know? I thought you knew everything, Donaldson! I don't see how you help seeing that. But I suppose it's because you 're so thoughtful of others that you can't see your own joys. But it's true, Donaldson. I don't suppose I ought to tell you about it, but man, man, she loves you! Give me your hand, Donaldson."
He found it in the dark, hot and dry.
"I want to tell you how glad I am. I suppose I must be a sort of father to her now, and I tell you that I would n't give her to another man in the world but you. You 're the only one worthy24 of her."
He pressed the big hand.
"You 're the one man who can make her happy," he ran on. "You can give her some of the things she 's been cheated out of. Why, when I was talking to her last night, her face looked like an angel's as I spoke25 of you. It is you who makes it easier for her to forget all the past—even—even the blow. I knew what it was when I came home—that you 'd done even that for me—though she couldn't see it. You 've blotted26 out of her mind every dark day in her life!"
"That is something, is n't it?" asked Donaldson almost pleadingly.
"Something? Something? It's everything. Don't you see now that you can't go away?"
"I see," he answered.
"Well, then, give me your hand again. Sort of trembly, eh? But I 'll bet you sleep better the rest of the night. And don't you on your life let her know I told you. She 's proud as the devil. But she would have done the same for me. They say love is blind," he laughed excitedly, "but, Holy Smoke, this is the worst case of it I ever saw!"
Donaldson lay passive.
"Now," concluded Arsdale, "I 'll go back and see if I can sleep. Good night."
Donaldson again lay flat on his back after Arsdale had gone. So he lay, not sleeping, merely enduring, until, almost imperceptibly at first, the dark about him began to dissolve. Then he rose, partly dressed, and sitting by the open window watched the East as the dawn stole in upon the sleeping city. It came to the attack upon the grim alleys27, the shadows around buildings, the stealthy figures, like a royal host. A few gray outriders reconnoitred over the horizon line and sent scurrying28 to their hovels those who looked up at them from shifty eyes. Then came a vanguard in brighter colors with crimson29 penants who attacked the fields and broad thoroughfares; then the King's Own in scarlet30 jackets and wide sweeping31 banners, bronze tinted32, who charged the smaller streets and factory roofs, and finally the brave array of all the dazzling host itself, who hurled33 their golden, sun-tipped lances into every nook and cranny, awaking to life all save those whose souls were dark within.
In watching it Donaldson found the first relief in the long night. His own mind cleared with the dawn. The day broke so clean and fresh, so bathed in morning dew, that once again his mind, grown perhaps less active, clung in some last spasm34 to the present as when he had sat with Elaine at breakfast, part of the little Dutch picture. Without reasoning into the to-morrow, he felt as though this day belonged to him. As the sun rose higher and stronger, enveloping35 the world in its catholic rays, the night seemed only an evil dream. He was both stronger and weaker. He was swept on, unresisting, by the high flood of the new day. This world now before his eyes acknowledged nothing of his agony but came mother-like to ease his fretting36. She would have nothing of the heavy tossings inspired by her sinister37 sister, the Night. She was all for clean glad spirits, all for new hopes. So he who had first frowned at it, who had then watched passively, now rose to its call.
He was entitled to this day, sang the tempter sun,—one big day out of all his life. The crisis would be no more acute upon the morrow and he might be stronger to meet it. This day was his and hers, and even the boy's. To accept it would be to shirk nothing; it would be only to postpone—to weave into the sombre grave vestments be was making for himself one golden thread. Arsdale's talk had removed the last vestige38 of hope. The worst had happened. Surely one gay interlude could add no burden. A day was always a day, and joys once lived could never be lost. Always in her life and in his this would remain, and since he had shouldered the other days as they had come to him, it seemed no more than right that he should take this. Not to do so would be but sorry self-imposed martyrdom.
Arsdale came in, still in his bathrobe, with brisk step and his face a-beaming.
"Well," he demanded, "how do you feel now?"
"Better," answered Donaldson, unhesitatingly.
"Better! You ought to feel great! Look at the sun out there! Smell that air! Have you had your tub?"
"Not yet," smiled Donaldson.
Arsdale led the way to the shower, and a few minutes later Donaldson felt his skin tingle to new life beneath the cold spray.
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1
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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3
aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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4
tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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5
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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6
hew
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| v.砍；伐；削 | |
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7
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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8
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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9
jug
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| n.(有柄，小口，可盛水等的)大壶，罐，盂 | |
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10
craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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11
fragrant
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| adj.芬香的，馥郁的，愉快的 | |
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12
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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13
complicate
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| vt.使复杂化，使混乱，使难懂 | |
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14
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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15
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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16
tangle
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| n.纠缠；缠结；混乱；v.(使)缠绕；变乱 | |
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17
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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18
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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19
blurted
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| v.突然说出，脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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20
hunch
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| n.预感，直觉 | |
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21
ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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22
huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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23
faltered
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| （嗓音）颤抖( falter的过去式和过去分词 )； 支吾其词； 蹒跚； 摇晃 | |
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24
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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25
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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26
blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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27
alleys
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| 胡同，小巷( alley的名词复数 )； 小径 | |
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scurrying
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| v.急匆匆地走( scurry的现在分词 ) | |
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29
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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30
scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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31
sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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32
tinted
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| adj. 带色彩的 动词tint的过去式和过去分词 | |
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33
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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34
spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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35
enveloping
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的现在分词 ) | |
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36
fretting
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| n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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37
sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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38
vestige
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| n.痕迹，遗迹，残余 | |
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