Day after day she brooded, intent, obsessed4, fiercely pondering his obliteration5.
But no letter came.
No letter came that week, nor Monday, nor at the end of the next week, nor the beginning of the next.
Wrath6, at night, had dried her eyes where she lay crying in her humiliation7; wrath diminished as the days passed; scorn became less rigid8, anger grew tremulous. Then what was lurking9 near her pillow lifted a pallid10 head. Fear!
She waited. Wrath died, scorn died; there was not enough to dry her tears at night—a deeper, more hopeless humiliation had become the shame of forgiving him, of loneliness without him, of waiting for his letter, heart sick—his letter that never came.
Letter after letter to him she destroyed, and fell ill of the tension, or perhaps of a heavy cold caught in the rain where she had walked for hours, aimlessly, unable to bear her longing11 and her desolation.
Dr. Benton attended her; the pretty volunteer nurse came to sit with her during convalescence12.
The third week in June she was physically13 well enough to dress and go about the house. And on that day she came to her shameful14 decision.
She wrote him, waited a dreary15 week for an answer; wrote him again, waited two weeks; wrote him a third and last letter. No answer came. And she went dully about the task of forgetting.
About the middle of July she heard from Stephen that Berkley had enlisted16 in one of the new unattached cavalry17 companies, but which one he did not know. Also she learned that the 3rd Zouaves had their marching orders and would probably come to the city to receive their colours. Later she heard from the mayor, the common council, and from Major Lent; and prepared for the ceremony.
The ceremony was prettily18 impressive; Ailsa, Mrs. Craig, her daughters, Paige and Marye, and Camilla Lent wearing a bell button from Stephen's zouave jacket, stood on the lawn in front of Ailsa's house, escorted by Colonel Arran who had returned from Washington, with his commission, by the mayor of the city, and several red-faced, fat-paunched gentlemen of the common council, and by a young officer, Captain Hallam, who stood behind Ailsa and seemed unable to keep his handsome eyes off her.
Twenty-third Street was packed solid with people and all aflutter with flags under the July sun when the distant strains of military music and blue lines of police heralded19 the coming of the 3rd Zouaves.
Band crashing, raw, gray horses of field and staff-officers dancing, the regiment20 came swinging down the wide stony21 street,—a torrent22 of red and gold, a broad shaft23 of silvery bayonets;—and halted facing the group of ladies and officials.
Celia Craig looked down at her husband where he sat his great gray horse. Their last good-bye had already been said; he sat erect24, calm, gazing quietly up at her through his gold-rimmed eye-glasses; from his blue sleeves' edge to the points of his shoulders glittered in twisted gold the six-fold arabesques25 of his rank.
The roar of cheers was dying away now; a girlish figure in white had moved forward to the edge of the lawn, carrying two standards in her arms, and her voice was very clear and sweet and perfectly26 audible to everybody;
"Colonel Craig, officers, and soldiers of the 3rd New York Zouaves; the ladies of the Church of Sainte Ursula have requested me, in their name, to present to you this set of colours. God guard them and you!
"Remember that, although these flags are now yours, they still remain ours. Your cause is ours. Your vows27 our vows. Your loyalty28 to God and country is part of our loyalty to God, to country, and to you."
She stood silent, pensive29 a moment; then stretched out her arms, a flag in either hand; and the Colonel rode straight up to where she stood, took the silken colours and handed them to the two colour-sergeants. Then, while an orderly advanced to the head of his horse, Colonel Craig dismounted and quietly ascended30 the steps beside the little group of ladies and city officials:
"On behalf of the officers and men of the 3rd New York Zouaves," he said, "I thank you. We are grateful. I think that we all mean to do our best.
"If we cannot, in the hour of trial, do all that is expected of us, we will do all that is in us to do.
"It is very easy to dress a thousand men in uniform, and invest them with the surroundings of military life; but it is not thus alone that soldiers are made. It is only discipline; regular steady, rigid discipline—that forms a soldier to be relied upon in the hour of need.
"At present we are only recruits. So I ask, in justice to the regiment, that you will not demand too much of us in the beginning. We desire to learn; we desire most earnestly to deserve your confidence. I can only say that we will try to prove ourselves not unworthy guardians31 of these flags you have given us."
He bowed, turned to go, swung around sharply and looked at his wife.
"Good-bye, my darling," he said under his breath; and the nest moment he was in the saddle.
All the rest that Ailsa recollected32 distinctly was the deafening33 outcrash of military music, the sustained cheering, the clatter34 of hoofs35, the moving column of red and gold—and Celia, standing36 there under the July sun, her daughters' hands in hers.
So the 3rd Zouaves marched gaily37 away under their new silk flags to their transport at Pier38 No. 3, North River. But the next day another regiment received its colours and went, and every day or so more regiments39 departed with their brand-new colours; and after a little only friends and relatives remembered the 3rd Zouaves, and what was their colonel's name.
By the middle of July the transformation40 of the metropolis41 from a city into a vast military carnival42 was complete. Gaudy43 uniforms were no longer the exception; a madness for fantastic brilliancy seized the people; soldiers in all kinds of colours and all kinds of dress filled the streets. Hotels, shops, ferry-boats, stages, cars, swarmed44 with undisciplined troops of all arms of the service, clad in every sort of extravagant45 uniforms. Except for the more severe state uniform and the rarer uniform of National troops, eccentric costumes were the rule. It was a carnival of military absurdity46. Regiments were continually entering the city, regiments were continually leaving it; regiments in transit47 disembarked overnight only to resume the southward journey by steamer or train; regiments in camp and barrack were completing organisation48 and being mustered49 in by United States officers. Gorgeous regiments paraded for inspection50, for drill, for the reception of state and regimental colours; three-month troops were returning, bands madly playing; two- and three-year regiments leaving, drums beating frantically51.
The bewildering variety of cut and colour in the uniforms of this vast army, which was being made to order, had been, in a measure, rendered comparatively homogeneous by the adoption52 of the regulation blue overcoat, but many a regiment wore its own pattern of overcoat, many a regiment went forward in civilian53 attire54, without arms and equipment, on the assurance that these details were to be supplied in Washington.
The dress of almost every foreign army in Europe was represented among the regiments forming or in transit. The 79th Highlanders, it is true, discarded kilt and bagpipe55 on the eve of departure, marching in blouse and cap and breeks of army blue; but the 14th. Brooklyn departed in red cap and red breeches, the 1st and 2d Fire Zouaves discarded the Turkish fez only; the 5th, 9th, 10th Zouaves marched wearing fez and turban; and bizarre voltigeurs, foot chasseurs, hussars, lancers, rocket batteries in costume de fantasie poured southward,—no two regiments equipped and armed alike.
The city remained in painful suspense56 concerning its raw, multicoloured, and undisciplined army. Every few days arose rumours57 of a great battle fought on Virginia soil, corroborated58 by extras, denied next morning. During the last half of July such reports had been current daily, tightening59 the tension, frightening parents, wives, and sweethearts. Recent armed affrays had been called battles; the dead zouaves at Big Bethel, a dead trooper at Alexandria sobered and silenced the street cheering. Yet, what a real battle might be, nobody really comprehended or even surmised60.
To Ailsa Paige June and July passed like fevered dreams; the brief sweet spring had suddenly turned into summer in a single day—a strange, stifling61, menacing summer full of heavy little thunder-storms which rolled crackling and banging up the Hudson amid vivid electric displays, leaving no coolness behind their trailing wake of rain.
Society was lingering late in town—if the few nebulous, unorganised, and scattered62 social groups could be called society—small coteries63 drawn64 temporarily together through accident of environment, inherited family acquaintance, traditional, material, or religious interest, and sometimes by haphazard65 intellectual compatibility.
In the city, and in Ailsa's little world, the simple social routine centring in Sainte Ursula's and the Assembly in winter, and in Long Branch and Saratoga in summer, had been utterly66 disorganised. Very few of her friends had yet left for the country; nor had she made any arrangements for this strange, unreal summer, partly because, driven to find relief from memory in occupation, she was devoting herself very seriously to the medical instruction under Dr. Benton; partly because she did not consider it a fitting time to seek the coolness and luxury of inland spa or seaside pier.
Colonel Arran had brought back with him from Washington a Captain Hallam, a handsome youngster who wore his cavalry uniform to perfection and who had become instantly attentive67 to Ailsa,—so attentive that before she realised it he was a regular visitor at her house, appropriating the same chair that Berkley always had—Berkley!——
At the memory she closed her eyes instinctively68. The wound throbbed69,
"What is the matter, Mrs. Paige?" inquired Captain Hallam anxiously. "Are you faint?"
She opened her eyes and smiled in pretence70 of surprise at such a question; and Hallam muttered: "I thought you seemed rather pale all of a sudden." Then he brightened up and went gaily on with what he had been saying:
"We've got nine full companies already, and the 10th, K, is an independent company which we're taking in to complete our organisation. Colonel Arran and I stopped in Philadelphia to inspect Colonel Rush's regiment of lancers—the 6th Pennsylvania Cavalry—because the French officers on McClellan's staff have put it into his head that he needs lancers——"
"Is Colonel Arran's regiment to carry lances?" interrupted Ailsa in surprise.
Hallam nodded, laughing: "We recruited as light cavalry, armed with sabre and pistol, but General McClellan has ordered that we carry the lance in addition. The department had none to issue until the foreign samples arrived. We are ordered to carry a lance of the Austrian pattern, nine feet long with an eleven-inch, three-edged blade; the staff of Norway fir about an inch and a quarter through, with ferrule and counter poise71 at the heel. Do I make myself clear, Mrs. Paige?"
Ailsa, thinking of Berkley, flushed slightly and nodded.
"There'll be a scarlet72 swallow-tailed pennon on the end just below the blade point. The whole affair will weigh about five pounds," concluded Hallam, rising to take his leave; "and I've got to be off to camp."
"Must you go, Captain Hallam?"
"I really must. That K Company is due in camp this evening, and I expect our uniforms and equipments will be delivered in the morning. Are you coming to see us off, Mrs. Paige?"
"When do you go? Colonel Arran said nothing about going."
"Oh, I expect we'll be on our way before very long. We are not in the best of shape yet; that's not to be expected. But there's a sad lack of cavalry in Washington, and they may want us to go whether we're ready or not. They sent off a regiment that had neither arms nor uniforms and couldn't even keep step, the other day. I've an idea we are going pretty soon." He took Ailsa's offered hand, looked at her a little earnestly, smiled in self-satisfaction, and went his way.
Later in the week he came back for a few moments; and all through the week he continued to come back for a few moments whenever he had an hour's leave.
And every time he took his leave his smile became less nervous and more confident.
She was very unhappy; devotion to Dr. Benton's class helped; devotion to Celia in her brief visits to Brooklyn helped, too; devotion to others, to prayer, all helped as long as it was devotion of some sort.
And now this young, blue-eyed, blonde-haired fellow was on the edge of offering to devote himself to her. She knew it, wondered whether this was her refuge from care. And when he did, at last, she was quietly prepared to answer.
"Captain Hallam," she said slowly, "I do like you. I don't know whether I could ever learn to love you. I am not very happy; it might influence my judgment73. If you are willing to wait until I know more about myself——"
Oh, he would wait! Certainly. Meanwhile would she wear his ring—not exactly an engagement—unless she was willing—but——
She hesitated. Lonelier than she had ever been in all her life, no longer self-sufficient, wistfully hopeless, needing to devote herself absolutely to something or somebody, she hesitated. But that evening when Hallam came with his ring she could not bring herself to accept what she now seemed to be most deeply in need of—the warm, eager, complacent74 affection that he laid at her feet. She was not yet able—could not; and the desolate75 memories of Berkley set the wound aching anew. . . . No, she could promise nothing to this young fellow—nothing yet. . . . Perhaps, in the future—as time passed—she might venture to wear his ring, and see what happened to her. But she would not promise—she would not talk of marrying him. . . . And cried herself to sleep over the memory of Berkley, and his vileness76, and his heartless wickedness, and his ignoble77 love that had left her so ashamed, so humiliated78, so cruelly crushed for ever. And all night long she dreamed of Berkley and of his blessed nearness; and the sweetness of her dream troubled her profoundly. She sat up, still asleep, her straining throat whispering his name, her arms outstretched, blindly searching the darkness for him, until suddenly awake, she realised what she was doing, and dropped back among her pillows.
All that day the city was filled with rumours of a great battle fought in Virginia. The morning's papers hailed it with triumphant79 head-lines and columns of praise and thanksgiving for a great victory won. But at night the stunned80 city knew that Bull Run had been fought and lost, and the Confederacy was at the gates of Washington.
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1
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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incensed
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| 盛怒的 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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obliteration
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| n.涂去，删除；管腔闭合 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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convalescence
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| n.病后康复期 | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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enlisted
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| adj.应募入伍的v.（使）入伍， （使）参军( enlist的过去式和过去分词 )；获得（帮助或支持） | |
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cavalry
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| n.骑兵；轻装甲部队 | |
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prettily
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| adv.优美地；可爱地 | |
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heralded
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| v.预示( herald的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布（好或重要） | |
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regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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stony
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| adj.石头的，多石头的，冷酷的，无情的 | |
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torrent
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| n.激流，洪流；爆发，(话语等的)连发 | |
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shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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arabesques
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| n.阿拉伯式花饰( arabesque的名词复数 )；错综图饰；阿拉伯图案；阿拉贝斯克芭蕾舞姿（独脚站立，手前伸，另一脚一手向后伸） | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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vows
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| 誓言( vow的名词复数 )； 郑重宣布，许愿 | |
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loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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guardians
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| 监护人( guardian的名词复数 )； 保护者，维护者 | |
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recollected
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| adj.冷静的；镇定的；被回忆起的；沉思默想的v.记起，想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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hoofs
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| n.（兽的）蹄，马蹄( hoof的名词复数 )v.（兽的）蹄，马蹄( hoof的第三人称单数 ) | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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pier
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| n.码头；桥墩，桥柱；[建]窗间壁，支柱 | |
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regiments
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| （军队的）团( regiment的名词复数 )； 大量的人或物 | |
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transformation
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| n.变化；改造；转变 | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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carnival
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| n.嘉年华会，狂欢，狂欢节，巡回表演 | |
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gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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swarmed
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| 密集( swarm的过去式和过去分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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45
extravagant
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| adj.奢侈的；过分的；(言行等)放肆的 | |
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absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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transit
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| n.经过，运输；vt.穿越，旋转；vi.越过 | |
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organisation
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| n.组织，安排，团体，有机休 | |
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mustered
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| v.集合，召集，集结（尤指部队）( muster的过去式和过去分词 )；（自他人处）搜集某事物；聚集；激发 | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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adoption
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| n.采用，采纳，通过；收养 | |
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civilian
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| adj.平民的，民用的，民众的 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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bagpipe
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| n.风笛 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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rumours
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| n.传闻( rumour的名词复数 )；风闻；谣言；谣传 | |
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corroborated
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| v.证实，支持（某种说法、信仰、理论等）( corroborate的过去式 ) | |
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tightening
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| 上紧，固定，紧密 | |
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surmised
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| v.臆测，推断( surmise的过去式和过去分词 )；揣测；猜想 | |
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stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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coteries
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| n.（有共同兴趣的）小集团( coterie的名词复数 ) | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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haphazard
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| adj.无计划的，随意的，杂乱无章的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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throbbed
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| 抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 )； （心脏、脉搏等）跳动 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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73
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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74
complacent
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| adj.自满的；自鸣得意的 | |
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75
desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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76
vileness
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| n.讨厌，卑劣 | |
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77
ignoble
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| adj.不光彩的，卑鄙的；可耻的 | |
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78
humiliated
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| 感到羞愧的 | |
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79
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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