I was attacked with an illness soon after my eighteenth birthday: not a severe one, but lasting4 tolerably long; and that had caused me to remain the additional twelvemonth, for which I received a slight salary. They liked me, and I liked them.
So I was to be a governess after all! The last descendant of the Herefords and the Keppe-Carews had no home in the world, no means of living, and must work for them. My pride rebelled against it now, as it never had when I was a child; and I made a resolution never to talk of my family. I was an orphan5; I had no relatives living: that would be quite enough answer when asked about it. Keppe-Carew had again changed masters: a little lad of eight, whose dead father I had never seen, and who perhaps had never heard of me, was its owner now.
I had never heard a syllable6 of Mr. Edwin Barley7 since I left him, or of any of his household, or of the events that had taken place there. That George Heneage had never been traced, I knew; that Mr. Edwin Barley was still seeking after him, I was quite sure: the lapse8 of years could not abate9 the anger of a man like him. Mrs. Hemson was dead now, a twelvemonth past; so that I was entirely10 alone in the world. As to the will, it had not been found, as was to be supposed, or the money would have been mine. My growth in years, the passing from the little girl into the woman, and the new ties and interests of my foreign school life had in a degree obliterated11 those unhappy events, and I scarcely ever gave even a thought to the past.
Mr. and Mrs. Paler were staying temporarily at Nulle; well-connected English people, about to fix their residence in Paris. They were strangers to me personally, but the Miss Barlieus knew something of their family, and we heard that Mrs. Paler was inquiring for a governess; one who spoke12 thoroughly13 English, French, and German. Mademoiselle Annette thought it might suit me, and proposed to take me to call on them at the Lion d'Or hotel.
I seized upon the idea eagerly. The word Paris had wrought14 its own charm. To be conveyed to that city of delight appeared only secondary to entering within the precincts of a modern Elysium.
"Oh, Mademoiselle Annette, pray let us go! I might perhaps do for them."
Mademoiselle Annette laughed at the eagerness so unequivocally betrayed. But she set off with me the same day.
The Lion d'Or was full. Mr. and Mrs. Paler had no private sitting-room15 (there were only two salons16 in the whole house), and we were ushered17 into their chamber18, French fashion. Mr. Paler was a stout19 man in gold spectacles, shy and silent; his wife, a tall handsome woman with large eyes and dark hair, talked enough for both. Some conversation ensued, chiefly taken up by Mrs. Paler explaining the sort of governess she wished for, Mr. Paler having quitted us.
"If you require a completely well-educated young lady--a gentlewoman in every sense of the term--you cannot do better than engage Miss Hereford," said Mademoiselle Annette.
"But what's her religion?" abruptly20 asked Mrs. Paler. "I would not admit a Roman Catholic into the bosom22 of my family; no, not though she paid me to come. Designing Jesuits, as a great many of them are!"
"Which, considering she was speaking to a Roman Catholic, and that a moment's consideration might have told her she was, evinced anything but courtesy on the lady's part, to say nothing of good feeling. Mademoiselle Annette's brown cheek deepened, and so did mine.
"I belong to the Church of England, madam," I answered.
"And with regard to singing?" resumed Mrs. Paler, passing to another qualification unceremoniously. "Have you a fine voice?--a good style?--can you teach it well?"
"I sing but little, and should not like to teach it. Neither am I a very brilliant player. I have no great forte23 for music. What I do play I play well, and I can teach it well."
"There it is! Was there ever anything so tiresome24?" grumbled25 Mrs. Paler. "I declare you cannot have everything, try as you will. Our last governess was first-rate in music--quite a divine voice she had--and her style perfect; but, of all the barbarous accents in French and German (not to speak of her wretched grammar), hers were the worst. Now, you are a good linguist26, but no hand at music! What a worry it is!"
"May I ask what age your children are?" interposed Mademoiselle Annette, who could speak sufficient English to understand and join in the conversation.
"The eldest27 is twelve."
"Then I can assure you Miss Hereford is quite sufficient musician for what you will want at present, madam. It is not always the most brilliant players who are the best instructors28; our experience has taught us the contrary is the case."
Mrs. Paler mused29. "Does Miss Hereford draw?"
"Excellently well," replied Mademoiselle Annette.
"I have a great mind to try her," debated Mrs. Paler, as if soliloquizing with herself. "But I must just pay my husband the compliment of asking what he thinks: though I never allow any opinion of his to influence me. He is the shyest man! he went out, you saw, as you came in. I am not sure but he will think Miss Hereford too good looking; but she has a very dignified30 air with her, though her manners are charmingly simple."
"When you have considered the matter, madam, we shall be glad to receive your answer," observed Mademoiselle Annette, as she rose. And Mrs. Paler acquiesced31.
"Anne," began Mademoiselle Annette, as we walked home, "I do not think that situation will suit you. You will not be comfortable in it."
"But why?" I asked, feeling my golden visions of Paris dimmed by the words. "I think it would perfectly32 suit me, Mademoiselle."
"Madame Paler is not a nice lady; she is not a gentlewoman. I question, too, if she would make you comfortable."
"I am willing to risk it. You and Mademoiselle Barlieu have told me all along that I cannot expect everything."
"That is true, my child. Go where you will, you must look out for disagreeables and crosses. The lives of all of us are made up of trials; none, save ourselves, can feel them; few, save ourselves, can see, or will believe in them. Many a governess, tossed and turned about in the world's tempest, weary of her daily task, sick of its monotony, is tempted34, no doubt, to say, 'Oh that I were established as the Demoiselles Barlieu are, with a home and school of my own!' But I can tell you, Anne, that often and often I and my sister envy the lot of the poorest governess out on her own account, because she is free from anxiety."
She spoke truly. Every individual lot has its peculiar35 trials, and none can mitigate36 them. "The heart knoweth its own bitterness." I walked on by her side then, in my young inexperience, wondering whether all people had these trials, whether they would come to me. It was my morning of life, when the unseen future looks as a bright and flowery dream. Mademoiselle Annette broke the silence.
"You will never forget, my dear, that you have a friend in us. Should you meet with any trouble, should you be at any time out of a situation, come to us; our house is open to you."
"Thank you, thank you, dear Mademoiselle Annette," I replied, grasping her hand. "I will try and do brave battle with the world's cares; I have not forgotten my mother's lessons."
"Anne," she gravely responded, "do not battle: rather welcome them."
Well, I was engaged. And, as the Demoiselles Barlieu observed, it was not altogether like my entering the house of people entirely strange, for they were acquainted with the family of Mr. Paler: himself they had never before seen, but two of his sisters had been educated in their establishment.
A week or two after the Palers had settled themselves in Paris, I was escorted thither37 by a friend of the Miss Barlieus. The address given me was Avenue de St. Cloud, Commune de Passy. We found it a good-looking, commodious38 house, and my travelling protector, Madame Bernadotte, left me at the door. A young girl came forward as I was shown into a room.
"Are you Miss Hereford, the new governess?"
"Yes. I think I have had the pleasure of seeing you at Nulle," I answered, holding out my hand to her.
"That I'm sure you've not. I never was at Nulle. It was Kate and Harriet who went there with papa and mamma. I and Fanny and Grace came straight here last week from England, with nurse."
Now, strange to say, it had never occurred to me or to the Miss Barlieus to ask Mrs. Paler, during the negotiations39, how many pupils I should have. Two children were with them at Nulle, Kate and Harriet, and I never supposed that there were others; I believed these would be my only pupils.
"How many are you, my dear?"
"Oh, we are five.
"Am I to teach you all?"
"Of course. There's nobody else to teach us. And we have two little brothers, but they are quite in the nursery."
Had Mrs. Paler purposely concealed40 the number? or had it been the result of inadvertence? The thought that came over me was, that were I engaging a governess for five pupils, I should take care to mention that there were five. They came flocking round me now, every one of them, high-spirited, romping42 girls, impatient of control, their ages varying from six to twelve.
"Mamma and papa are out, but I don't suppose they'll be long. Do you want to see mamma?"
"I shall be glad to see her?
"Do you wish for anything to eat?" inquired Miss Paler. You can have what you like: dinner or tea; you have only to ring and order it. "We have dined and had tea also. Mamma has not; but you don't take your meals with her."
As she spoke, some noise was heard in the house, and they all ran out. It proved to be Mrs. Paler. She went up to her own sitting-room, and thither I was summoned.
"So you have got here safely, Miss Hereford?" was her salutation, spoken cordially enough. But she did not offer to shake hands with me.
"I have been making acquaintance with my pupils, madam. I did not know there were so many."
"Did you not? Oh, you forget; I have no doubt I mentioned it."
"I think not. I believed that the two Miss Palers I saw at Nulle were your only children."
"My only children! Good gracious, Miss Hereford, what an idea! Why, I have seven! and have lost two, which made nine, and shall have more yet, for all I know. You will take the five girls; five are as easily taught as two."
"I did not dispute the words. I had come, intending and hoping to do my duty to the very utmost extent, whether it might be much or little. Though certainly the five pupils did look formidable in prospective44, considering that I should have to teach them everything, singing excepted.
"I hope you will suit me," went on Mrs. Paler. "I have had many qualms45 of doubt since I engaged you. But I can't beat them into Mr. Paler; he turns round, and politely tells me they are 'rubbish,' as any heathen might."
"Qualms of doubt as to my being but nineteen, or to my skill in music?" I asked.
"Neither; your age I never made an objection, and I daresay your music will do very well for the present. Here's Mr. Paler."
He came in, the same apparently46 shy, silent, portly man as at Nulle, in his gold spectacles. But he came up kindly47 to me, and shook hands.
"My doubts turn upon serious points, Miss Hereford," pursued Mrs. Paler. "If I thought you would undermine the faith of my children and imbue48 them with Roman Catholic doctrines----"
"Mrs. Paler!" I interrupted in surprise. "I told you I was a Protestant, brought up strictly49 in the tenets of the Church of England. Your children are of the same faith: there is little fear, then, that I should seek to undermine it. I know of none better in the world."
"You must excuse my anxiety, Miss Hereford. Can you conscientiously50 assure me that you hate all Roman Catholics?"
"I looked at her in amazement51. And she looked at me, waiting for my answer. A smile, unless I mistook, crossed the lips of Mr. Paler.
"Oh, Mrs. Paler, what would my own religion be worth if I could hate? Believe me there are excellent Christians52 amidst the Roman Catholics, as there are amidst us. People who are striving to do their duty in this world, living and working on for the next. Look at the Miss Barlieus! I love them dearly every one respects them: but I would not change my religion for theirs.
"Is it the fact of your having spent four years in their house that makes me doubtful. But I think can trust you; you look so sincere and true. The alarming number of converts to Romanism which we have of late years been obliged to witness, must make us all fearful."
"Perverts53, if you please," interrupted Mr. Paler. "When I hear of our folks going over to the Romish faith, I always suspect they are those who have not done their duty in their own. A man may find all he wants in his own religion, if he only looks out for it."
"Oh, that's very true," I exclaimed, my eyes sparkling, glad, somehow, to hear him say it. "It is what I have been trying to express to Mrs. Paler."
"She has got her head full of some nonsensical fear that her children should be turned into Roman Catholics--I suppose because we are in a Catholic country," he resumed, looking at his wife through his glasses. "She'll talk about it till she turns into one herself, if she doesn't mind; that's the way the mania54 begins. There's no more fear of sensible people turning Catholics than there is of my turning Dutchman: as to the children, the notion is simply absurd. And what sort of weather have you had at Nulle, Miss Hereford, since we left it?"
"Not very fine. Yesterday it poured with rain all day."
"Ah. That would make it pleasant for travelling, though."
"Yes: it laid the dust."
"Did you travel alone?"
"Oh, no; the Miss Barlieus would not have allowed it. It is not etiquette55 in France for a young lady to go out even for a walk alone. An acquaintance of Miss Barlieus, Madame Bernadotte, who was journeying to Paris, accompanied me."
"Well, I hope you will be comfortable here," he concluded.
"Thank you; I hope so."
"And look here, I'll give you a hint. Just you get the upper hand of those children at once, or you'll never do it. They are like so many untrained colts."
Nothing more was said. I had not been asked to sit, and supposed the silence was a hint that I must quit the room. Before I had got far, a servant came and said I was to go back to it. Mrs. Paler was alone then, looking very solemn and dark.
"Miss Hereford, you have been reared in seclusion56, mostly in school, and probably know little of the convenances--the exactions of social life. Do not be offended if I set you right upon a point--I have no doubt you have erred57, not from want of respect, but from lack of knowledge."
What had I done? of course I said I should be obliged to her to set me right in anything when found wrong.
"You are a governess; you hold a dependent situation in my house. Is it not so?"
"Certainly it is," I answered, wondering much.
"Then never forget that a certain amount of respect in manner is due to myself and to Mr. Paler. I do not, of course, wish to exact the deference58 a servant would give--you must understand that; but there's a medium: a medium, Miss Hereford. To you, I and Mr. Paler are 'madam' and 'sir,' and I beg that we may be always addressed as such."
I curtsied and turned away, the burning colour dyeing my face. It was my first lesson in dependence59. But Mrs. Paler was right; and I felt vexed60 to have forgotten that I was only a governess. Misplaced rebellion rose in my heart, whispering that I was a lady born; that my family was far higher in the social world than Mr. or Mrs. Paler's; whispering, moreover, that that lady was not a gentlewoman, and never could be one. But after a few minutes spent in sober reflection, common sense chased away my foolish thoughts, leaving in place a firm resolution never so to transgress61 again. From that hour, I took up my position bravely--the yielding, dependent, submissive governess.
But what a life of toil62 I entered upon! and--where were my dreams of Paris? Have you forgotten that they had visited me, in all their beautiful delusion63? I had not. Delusive64 hopes are always the sweetest.
When I had stayed three months at Mrs. Paler's I had never once been into Paris further than the Champs Elysées. Save that we went every Sunday morning in a closed carriage to the Ambassador's chapel65, I saw nothing of Paris. The streets may have been of crystal, the fountains of malachite marble, the houses of burnished66 gold, for all I witnessed of them--and I believe my warm imagination had pictured something of the like resplendence. There was no pleasure for me; no going out; my days were one lasting scene of toil.
I am not going to complain unjustly of Mrs. Paler's situation, or make it out worse than it was. It has become much the fashion of late years--I may say a mania--to set forth2 the sorrows and ill-treatment that governesses have to endure: were the other side of the question to be taken up, it might be seen that ladies have as much to bear from governesses. There are good places and there are bad ones; and there are admirable governesses, as well as undesirable67 and most incapable68 ones: perhaps the good and bad, on both sides are about balanced. I was well-treated at Mr. Paler's; I had a generous diet, and a maid to wait upon me in conjunction with the two elder girls. When they had visitors in an evening, I was admitted on an equality (at any rate to appearance); I had respect paid me by the servants; and I was not found fault with by Mr. and Mrs. Paler. Could I desire better than this? No. But I was overworked.
Put it to yourselves what it was, if you have any experience in teaching. Five girls, all in different stages of advancement69, to learn everything, from German and good English down to needle-work. The worst task was the music; the drawing lessons I could give conjointly. All five learnt it, piano and harp70, and two of them, the second and the youngest but one, were so wild and unsteady that they could not be trusted to practise one instant alone. I rose every morning at half-past six to begin the music lessons, and I was usually up until twelve or one o'clock the next morning correcting exercises, for I could not find time to do them during the day. "Make time," says somebody. I could only have made it by neglecting the children.
"Our last governess never did a thing after six in the evening," Kate said to me one day. "You should not be so particular, Miss Hereford."
"But she did not get you on to your mamma's satisfaction."
"No, indeed: mamma sent her away because of that. She did not care whether we advanced or not. All she cared for was to get the studies over anyhow."
Just so: it had been eye-service, as I could have told by their ignorance when I took the girls in hand. My dear mother had enjoined71 me differently: "Whatever you undertake, Anne, let it be done to the very best of your ability: do it as to God; as though His eye and ear were ever present with you."
I appealed to Mrs. Paler: telling her I could not continue to work as I was doing, and asking what could be done.
"Oh, nonsense, Miss Hereford, you must be a bad economizer of time," she answered. "The other governesses I have had did not complain of being overworked."
"But, madam, did they do their duty?"
"Middling for that--but then they were incorrigibly73 lazy. We are quite satisfied with you, Miss Hereford, and you must manage your time so as to afford yourself more leisure."
I suggested to Mrs. Paler that she should get help for part of the music lessons, but she would not hear of it; so I had to go on doing my best; but to do that best overtaxed my strength sadly. Mrs. Paler might have had more consideration: she saw that I rarely went out; one hurried walk in the week, perhaps, and the drive to church on Sunday. My pupils walked out every day, taken by one or other of the servants; but they did not go together: two or three stayed with me while the rest went, and when they came back to me these went. Mrs. Paler insisted upon my giving an hour of music to each child daily, which made five hours a day for music alone. The confinement74 and the hard work, perhaps the broken spirits, began to tell upon me; nervous headaches came on, and I wrote to the Miss Barlieus, asking what I should do. I wrote the letter on a Sunday, I am sorry to say, failing time on a week day. None of us went abroad on a Sunday afternoon. Mrs. Paler protested that nothing but sin and gallivanting was to be seen out of doors on a French Sunday; and once home from church we were shut up for the rest of the day. She did not go out herself, or suffer anybody else to go; Mr. Paler excepted. He took the reins76 into his own hands.
The Miss Barlieus answered me sensibly; it was Miss Annette who wrote. "Put up with it to the close of your year from the time of entrance," she said. "It is never well for a governess to leave her situation before the year is up, if it can be avoided; and were you to do so, some ladies might urge it as an objection to making another engagement with you. You are but young still. Give Mrs. Paler ample notice, three months, we believe, is the English usage--and endeavour to part with her amicably77. She must see that her situation is beyond your strength."
I took the advice, and in June gave Mrs. Paler warning to leave, having entered her house in September. She was angry, and affected78 to believe I would not go. I respectfully asked her to put herself in idea in my place, and candidly80 say whether or not the work was too hard. She muttered something about "over-conscientiousness;" that I should get along better without it. Nothing more was said; nothing satisfactory decided81, and the time went on again to the approach of September. I wondered how I must set about looking out for another asylum82; I had no time to look out, no opportunity to go abroad. Mr. Paler was in England.
"Miss Hereford, mamma told me to say that we shall be expected in the drawing-room to-night; you, and I, and Harriet," observed Kate Paler to me one hot summer's day. "The Gordons are coming and the De Mellissies."
"What De Mellissies are those?" I inquired, the name striking upon my ear with a thrill of remembrance.
"What De Mellissies are those? why, the De Mellissies," returned Kate, girl-fashion. "She is young and very pretty; I saw her when I was out with mamma in the carriage the other day."
"Is she English or French?"
"English, I'll vow83. No French tongue could speak English as she does."
"When you answer in that free, abrupt21 manner, Kate, you greatly displease84 me," I interposed. "It is most unladylike."
Kate laughed; said she was free-spoken by nature, and it was of no use trying to be otherwise. By habit more than by nature, I told her: and I waited with impatience85 for the evening.
It was Emily. I knew her at once. Gay-mannered, laughing, lovely as ever, she came into the room on her husband's arm, wearing a pink silk dress and wreath of roses. Alfred de Mellissie looked ill; at least he was paler and thinner than in the old days at Nulle. She either did not or would not remember me; as the evening drew on, I felt sure that she did not, for she spoke cordially enough to me, though as to an utter stranger. It happened that we were quite alone once, in the recess86 of a window, and I interrupted what she was saying about a song.
"Have you quite forgotten me, Madame de Mellissie?"
"Forgotten you!" she returned, with a quick glance. "I never knew you, did I?"
"In the years one by, when you were Miss Chandos. I am Anne Hereford."
A puzzled gaze at me, and then she hid her face in her hands, its penitent87 expression mixed with laughter. "Never say a word about that naughty time, if you love me! everybody says it should be buried five fathoms88 deep. I ought to have known you, though, for it is the same gentle face; the sweet and steady eyes, with the long eyelashes, and the honest good sense and the pretty smile. But you have grown out of all knowledge. Not that you are much of a size now. What an escapade that was! the staid Demoiselles Barlieu will never get over it. I shall go and beg their pardon in person some day. Were you shocked at it?"
"Yes. But has it brought you happiness?"
"Who talks of happiness at soirées? You must be as unsophisticated as ever, Anne Hereford. Has that Johnstone left?"
"A long, long while ago. She was dismissed at the end of a few months. The Miss Barlieus did not like her."
"I don't know who could like her. And so you are a governess?"
"Yes," I bravely avowed89. "I have been nearly a year with the Miss Palers."
"You must get leave to come and see me. Alfred, here's an old schoolfellow of mine. I daresay you will remember her."
M. de Mellissie came at the call, and was talking to me for the rest of the evening.
The great things that a night may bring forth! The sadness that the rising of another sun may be bearing to us on its hot wings!
It was the morning following the soirée. I was in the schoolroom with the girls, but quitted it for a minute to read a letter in peace that arrived by the early post. It was written by Miss Barlieu. A very kind letter, telling me to go back to them while I looked out for a fresh situation, should I not get one before leaving Mrs. Paler. Suddenly the door opened, and Mrs. Paler came in without any ceremony of knocking, her face white, and an open letter in her hand. She looked scared, fierce; agitation90 impeding91 her free utterance92.
"Here's news!" she brought out at length, her voice rising to a scream; "here's news to come upon me like a thunderbolt! Does he expect me to live through it?"
"Oh, Mrs. Paler, what has happened? You look ill and terrified. You have had bad tidings! Will you not tell them to me?"
"What else have I come for but to tell you?" she retorted, speaking in a tone that betrayed as much anger as distress93. "I went to the study after you, and frightened the girls; they were for following me here, so I locked them in. I must tell some one, or my feelings will burst bounds; they always were of a demonstrative nature. Not like his, the sly, quiet fox!"
My fears flew to Mr. Paler. He had been in England some time now, ever since the middle of May. Though I did not understand her anger, or the last words.
"You have heard from Mr. Paler, madam!" I uttered. "Some harm has happened to him!"
"Harm! yes, it has. Harm to me and my children, though, more than to him. Miss Hereford, he has just gone and ruined himself."
"How?" I asked, feeling grieved and puzzled.
"It was always his mania, that turf-gambling, and as a young man he got out of thousands at it. I thought how it would be--I declare I did--when he became restless here in Paris, just before the Epsom Meeting, and at last went off to it. 'You'll drop some hundreds over it, if you do go,' I said to him. 'Not I,' was his retort, 'since I have had children to drop hundreds over, I don't spare them for racehorses.' A wicked, reckless man!"
"And has he--dropped the hundreds, madam?"
"Hundreds!" she shrieked94; and then, looking covertly95 around the roof, as if fearful others might be listening, she sunk her voice to a whisper: "He has lost thirty thousand pounds."
"Oh!" I exclaimed, in my horror. Mrs. Paler wrung96 her hands.
"Thirty thousand pounds, every pound of it--and I hope remorse97 will haunt him to his dying day! Epsom, Ascot, Goodwood--I know not how many other courses he has visited this summer, and has betted frantically98 at all. The mania was upon him again, and he could not stop himself. He is lying ill now at Doncaster, at one of the inns there, and his brother writes; he tells me they dare not conceal41 the facts from me any longer."
"Shall you not go over to him, madam?"
"I go over to him!" she retorted; "I would not go to him if he were dying. But that my children are his, I would never live with him again; I would never notice him: I would get a divorce if practicable, but for their sakes. You look shocked, Miss Hereford; but you, an unmarried girl, cannot realize the blow in all its extent. Do you think a man has any right wilfully99 to bring disgrace and misery100 upon his wife and children?"
"Oh, madam--no!"
"It is my punishment come home to me," she wildly exclaimed. "They told me how it would be, sooner or later, if I persisted in marrying. James Paler: but I would not listen to them. My mother and sisters will say it serves me right."
"I heard the children squealing101 and kicking at the schoolroom door, and did not dare to go to them.
"It is next door to ruin," said Mrs. Paler; "it will take from us more than half our income; and present debt and embarrassment102 it must bring. Ah! see how some things--trifles--happen sometimes for the best! I thought it a great misfortune to lose you, but I am glad of it now, for I am sure I can no longer afford an expensive governess. Nor many servants, either. Oh, woe's me!"
I stood looking at her distress with great pity, feeling that Mr. Paler must be next kin3 to a madman. And yet I had liked him: he was most affectionate to his children, and solicitous103 for the comfort of his household. Mrs. Paler seemed to become suddenly awake to the uproar104. She darted105 to the schoolroom, scolded one, boxed another, locked the door upon them again, and came back to me.
"I had better settle things with you at once, Miss Hereford. If I take it in my head, I may go off to my family in England at a minute's notice; there's no knowing. Your time here will expire in a fortnight?"
"Yes."
"I had intended to offer an increased salary, if you would stay on--but that's all out of the question now. I suppose you have no settled plans; no fresh situation to go to?"
"Madam, it has not been in my power to look out for one."
"True. Yet it is better that you should go. I don't know what may become of us in future: where we shall live, or what we shall do--perhaps go to some obscure place in Germany, or Scotland, or Wales, and economize72: anywhere, that it's cheap. I wonder that such men, who deliberately106 bring ruin on their families, are permitted to live! But now we must try and find you another situation."
"Perhaps Madame de Mellissie may know of something: and I think she would interest herself for me, if I knew how to see her."
"You can go and see her," replied Mrs. Paler, "you can go to-day, and call upon her. My maid shall take you. Never mind the studies: I feel as if I should not care if the girls never learnt anything again--with this blow upon them."
I did not wait for a second permission: the thought that Emily de Mellissie might help me to a fresh situation had been floating in my mind all night. She was well-connected in England; she was in the best society in Paris; and she was good-natured.
In the afternoon I proceeded to the hotel (as it was called) of old Madame de Mellissie, for it was her house, and her son and daughter-in-law lived with her. Emily was at home, surrounded by morning callers, quite a crowd of them. She looked intensely surprised at seeing me; was, or I fancied it, rather distant and haughty107 in manner; and, pointing to a chair, desired me to wait. Did she deem I had presumptuously108 intruded109 as one of those morning callers? Very humbly110 I waited until the last had gone: schooling111 myself to remember that I was but a poor governess, while she was Madame Alfred de Mellissie, née Miss Chandos of Chandos.
"And so you have soon come to pay me a visit, Miss Hereford!"
"I have come as a petitioner112, rather than as a visitor, Madame de Mellissie. Can you spare me five minutes?"
"I can spare you ten if you like, now those loungers are gone."
I forthwith told my tale. That I was leaving Mrs. Paler's, where I was overworked: that I had thought it possible she might know of some situation open: if so, would she kindly recommend me?
"The idea, Anne Hereford, of your coming to me upon such an errand!" was her laughing answer. "As if I troubled myself about vacant situations! There is a rumour113 current in Paris this morning that James Paler has been idiot enough to go and ruin himself on the turf. That he has lost a great deal of money is certain, for the newspapers allude114 to it in a manner not to be mistaken. Thank goodness, Alfred has no weakness that way, though he is empty-headed enough. Is it not a dreadful life, that of a governess?"
"At Mrs. Paler's it has been one of incessant115 toil. I hope to go where the duties will be lighter116. It is not the life I like, or would have chosen; but I must bend to circumstances."
"That's true enough. I will ask all my friends in Paris if they----by the way," she abruptly broke off, speaking with slow deliberation, "I wonder whether--if you should be found suitable--whether you would like something else?"
I made no reply; only waited for her to explain herself.
"The case is this, Miss Hereford," she resumed, assuming a light manner. "I thought of going to Chandos on a visit; my husband was to have conducted me thither, but Madame de Mellissie has been ailing75, and Alfred says it would not do for him to leave her. This morning we had a dispute over it. 'There's nothing much amiss with her,' I said; 'were she in danger, it would be a different matter, but it's quite unreasonable117 to keep me away from Chandos for nothing but this.' Monsieur Alfred grew vexed, said he should not quit her, and moreover, did not himself feel well enough to travel--for he has a sort of French fever hanging over him. They are always getting it, you know. I am sick of hearing one say to another, 'J'ai fièvre aujourd'-hui!' Then I said I should go without him: 'With great pleasure,' he complacently118 replied, provided I would engage a lady as companion, but he should not trust me alone. Complimentary119 to my discretion120, was it not?"
I could not deny it--in a certain sense.
"But the bargain was made; it was indeed. I am to look out for a companion, and then I may be off the next hour to England; destination Chandos. Would you like to take the place?"
A thousand thoughts flew over me at the abrupt question crowding my mind, dyeing my cheeks. The prospect43, at the first glance, appeared like a haven121 of rest after Mrs. Paler's. But--what would be my duties?--and was I, a comparative child, fit for the post? Should I be deemed fit by Monsieur de Mellissie?
"What should I have to do?" I asked.
"Anything I please," she answered. "You must amuse me when I am tired, read to me when I feel inclined to listen, play to me when I wish, be ready to go out when I want you, give orders to my maid for me, write my letters when I am too idle to do it, and post yourself at my side to play propriety122 between this and Chandos. Those are the onerous123 duties of a dame33 de compagnie, are they not? but I have no experience in the matter. Could you undertake them?"
She spoke all this curiously124, in a haughty tone, but with a smile on her face. I did not know how to take it. "Are you speaking seriously, Madame de Mellissie?"
"Of course I am. Stay, though. About the payment? I could not afford to give much, for my purse has a hole at both ends of it, and I am dreadfully poor. I suppose you have had a high salary at Mrs. Paler's?"
"Sixty guineas."
"Oh, don't talk of it!" she exclaimed, stopping her ears. "I wish I could give it; but I never could squeeze out more than twenty. Anne, I will make a bargain with you: go with me to Chandos, stay with me during my visit there; it will not last above a week or two; and when we return here, I will get you a more lucrative125 situation. For the time you are with me, I will give you what I can afford, and of course pay your travelling expenses!"
With the word. "Anne," she had gone back to the old familiar manner of our school-days. I accepted the offer willingly, subject, of course, to the approval of Monsieur de Mellissie; and feeling very doubtful in my own mind whether it would be carried out. As to the payment--what she said seemed reasonable enough, and money wore but little value in my eyes: I had not then found out its uses. Provided I had enough for my ordinary wants of dress, it was all I cared for; and a large sum was due to me from Mrs. Paler.
Somewhat to my surprise, M. de Mellissie approved of me as his wife's companion, paying me a compliment on the occasion. "You are young, Mademoiselle Hereford, but I can see you are one fully79 to be trusted: I confide126 my wife to you."
"I will do what I can, sir."
"You laugh at my saying that thing," he said, speaking in his sometimes rather odd English. "You think my wife can better take care of you, than you of her."
"I am younger than she is."
"That goes without telling, Mademoiselle. You look it. The case is this," he added, in a confidential127 tone. "It is not that my wife wants protection on her journey; she has her femme de chambre; but because I do not think they would like to see her arrive alone at Chandos. My lady is difficile."
The permission to depart accorded, Madame de Mellissie was all impatience to set off. I bought a dress or two, but she would not allow me time to get them made, and I had to take them unmade. Though I was going to Chandos as a humble128 companion, I could not forget that my birth would have entitled me to go as a visitor, and wished to dress accordingly.
The foolish girl that I was! I spent my money down to one Napoleon and some silver; it was not very much I had by me; and then Mrs. Paler, to my intense consternation129, told me it was not convenient to pay me my salary.
She owed me thirty guineas. I had received the first thirty at the termination of the half-year: it was all spent, including what I had laid out now. I appealed to Mrs. Paler's good feeling, showing my needy130 state. In return she appealed to mine.
"My dear Miss Hereford, I have not got it. Until remittances131 shall reach me from Mr. Paler, I am very short. You do not require money for your journey, Madame Alfred de Mellissie pays all that, and I will remit132 it to you ere you have been many days at Chandos. You will not, I am sure, object so far to oblige a poor distressed133 woman."
What answer could I give?
On a lovely September morning we started for Boulogne-sur-Mer, Madame Alfred de Mellissie, I, and her maid Pauline. M. de Mellissie saw us off at the station.
"I would have run down to Boulogne to put you on board the boat, but that I do not feel well enough; my fever is very bad to-day," he said to me and his wife. She took no notice of the words, but I saw they were true: his pale thin face had a hectic134 red upon it, his hand, meeting mine in the adieu, burnt me through my glove.
"Madame de Mellissie, your husband certainly has an attack of fever," I said, as the train started.
"Ah, yes, no doubt; the French, as I previously135 observed, are subject to it. But it never comes to anything."
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1
annuity
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| n.年金；养老金 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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syllable
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| n.音节；vt.分音节 | |
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barley
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| n.大麦，大麦粒 | |
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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abate
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| vi.(风势，疼痛等)减弱，减轻，减退 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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obliterated
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| v.除去( obliterate的过去式和过去分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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13
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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15
sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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salons
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| n.（营业性质的）店( salon的名词复数 )；厅；沙龙（旧时在上流社会女主人家的例行聚会或聚会场所）；（大宅中的）客厅 | |
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ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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forte
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| n.长处，擅长；adj.(音乐)强音的 | |
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tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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25
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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26
linguist
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| n.语言学家；精通数种外国语言者 | |
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27
eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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28
instructors
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| 指导者，教师( instructor的名词复数 ) | |
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29
mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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30
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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31
acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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33
dame
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| n.女士 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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35
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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36
mitigate
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| vt.（使）减轻，（使）缓和 | |
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37
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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commodious
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| adj.宽敞的；使用方便的 | |
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39
negotiations
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| 协商( negotiation的名词复数 )； 谈判； 完成（难事）； 通过 | |
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40
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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41
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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42
romping
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| adj.嬉戏喧闹的，乱蹦乱闹的v.嬉笑玩闹( romp的现在分词 )；（尤指在赛跑或竞选等中）轻易获胜 | |
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43
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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44
prospective
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| adj.预期的，未来的，前瞻性的 | |
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45
qualms
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| n.不安；内疚 | |
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46
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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47
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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48
imbue
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| v.灌输(某种强烈的情感或意见)，感染 | |
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49
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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50
conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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51
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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52
Christians
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| n.基督教徒( Christian的名词复数 ) | |
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53
perverts
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| n.性变态者( pervert的名词复数 )v.滥用( pervert的第三人称单数 )；腐蚀；败坏；使堕落 | |
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54
mania
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| n.疯狂；躁狂症，狂热，癖好 | |
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55
etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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56
seclusion
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| n.隐遁，隔离 | |
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57
erred
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| 犯错误，做错事( err的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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59
dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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60
vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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61
transgress
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| vt.违反，逾越 | |
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62
toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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63
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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64
delusive
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| adj.欺骗的，妄想的 | |
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65
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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66
burnished
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| adj.抛光的，光亮的v.擦亮（金属等），磨光( burnish的过去式和过去分词 )；被擦亮，磨光 | |
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67
undesirable
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| adj.不受欢迎的，不良的，不合意的，讨厌的；n.不受欢迎的人，不良分子 | |
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68
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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69
advancement
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| n.前进，促进，提升 | |
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70
harp
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| n.竖琴；天琴座 | |
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71
enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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72
economize
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| v.节约，节省 | |
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73
incorrigibly
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| adv.无法矫正地；屡教不改地；无可救药地；不能矫正地 | |
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74
confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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75
ailing
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| v.生病 | |
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76
reins
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| 感情，激情； 缰( rein的名词复数 )； 控制手段； 掌管； （成人带着幼儿走路以防其走失时用的）保护带 | |
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77
amicably
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| adv.友善地 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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79
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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80
candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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81
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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82
asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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83
vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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84
displease
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| vt.使不高兴，惹怒；n.不悦，不满，生气 | |
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85
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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86
recess
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| n.短期休息，壁凹（墙上装架子，柜子等凹处） | |
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87
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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88
fathoms
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| 英寻( fathom的名词复数 ) | |
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89
avowed
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| adj.公开声明的，承认的v.公开声明，承认( avow的过去式和过去分词) | |
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90
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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91
impeding
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| a.(尤指坏事)即将发生的，临近的 | |
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92
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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93
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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94
shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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95
covertly
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| adv.偷偷摸摸地 | |
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96
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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97
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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99
wilfully
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| adv.任性固执地；蓄意地 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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squealing
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| v.长声尖叫，用长而尖锐的声音说( squeal的现在分词 ) | |
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102
embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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103
solicitous
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| adj.热切的，挂念的 | |
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104
uproar
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| n.骚动，喧嚣，鼎沸 | |
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105
darted
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| v.投掷，投射( dart的过去式和过去分词 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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106
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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107
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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108
presumptuously
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| adv.自以为是地，专横地，冒失地 | |
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109
intruded
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| n.侵入的，推进的v.侵入，侵扰，打扰( intrude的过去式和过去分词 )；把…强加于 | |
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110
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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111
schooling
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| n.教育；正规学校教育 | |
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112
petitioner
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| n.请愿人 | |
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113
rumour
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| n.谣言，谣传，传闻 | |
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114
allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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115
incessant
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| adj.不停的，连续的 | |
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116
lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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117
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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118
complacently
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| adv. 满足地, 自满地, 沾沾自喜地 | |
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119
complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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120
discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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121
haven
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| n.安全的地方，避难所，庇护所 | |
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122
propriety
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| n.正当行为；正当；适当 | |
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123
onerous
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| adj.繁重的 | |
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124
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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125
lucrative
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| adj.赚钱的，可获利的 | |
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126
confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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127
confidential
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| adj.秘（机）密的，表示信任的，担任机密工作的 | |
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128
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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129
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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130
needy
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| adj.贫穷的，贫困的，生活艰苦的 | |
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131
remittances
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| n.汇寄( remittance的名词复数 )；汇款，汇款额 | |
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132
remit
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| v.汇款，汇寄；豁免（债务），免除（处罚等） | |
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133
distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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134
hectic
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| adj.肺病的；消耗热的；发热的；闹哄哄的 | |
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135
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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