Quimbleton, therefore, found a receptive audience for his Spartacus scheme of organizing this band of downtrodden victims into a fighting force. He gathered them into the dining-hall of the Home and addressed them in spirited language.
"My friends" (he said), "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I feel it my duty to administer a few remarks on the subject of our present situation.
"And the first thought that comes to my mind, candidly21, is this, that we must give Bishop Chuff credit for a quality we never imagined him to possess. That quality, gentlemen, is a sense of humor. I hear some dissent22; and yet it seems to me to be somewhat humorous that this gathering23, composed of men who were accustomed, in the good old days, to carry their liquor like gentlemen, should now, when they have been cold sober for two years, be incarcerated24 in this humiliating place, surrounded by the morbid25 relics26 of those weaker souls who found their grog too strong for them.
"I say therefore that we must give Bishop Chuff credit for a sense of humor. It makes him all the more deadly enemy. Yet I think we will have the laugh on him yet, in a manner I shall presently describe. For the Bishop has what may be denominated a single-tract mind. He undoubtedly27 imagines that we will submit tamely to this outrage28. He has surrounded us with guards. He expects us to be meek29. In my experience, the meek inherit the dearth30. Let us not be meek!"
There was a shout of applause, and Quimbleton's salient of horse-hair beard waved triumphantly31 as he gathered strength. His burly figure in the lilac upholstering dominated the audience. He went on:
"And what is our crime? That we have nourished, in the privacy of our own intellects, treasonable thoughts or desires concerning alcohol! Gentlemen, it is the first principle of common law that a man cannot be indicted32 for thinking a crime. There must be some overt33 act, some evidence of illegal intention. Can a man be deprived of freedom for carrying concealed34 thoughts? If so, we might as well abolish the human mind itself. Which Bishop Chuff and his flunkeys would gladly do, I doubt not, for they themselves would lose nothing thereby35."
Vigorous clapping greeted this sally.
"Now, gentlemen," cried Quimbleton, "though we follow a lost cause, and even though the gooseberry and the raisin36 and the apple be doomed37, let us see it through with gallantry! The enemy has mobilized dreadful engines of war against us. Let us retort in kind. He has tanks in the field—let us retort with tankards. They tell me there is a warship38 in the offing, to shell us into submission39. Very well: if he has gobs, let us retort with goblets40. If he has deacons, let us parry him with decanters. Chuff has put us here under the pretext42 of being drunk. Very well: then let us BE drunk. Let us go down in our cups, not in our saucers. Where there's a swill43, there's a way! Let us be sot in our ways," he added, sotto voce.
Terrific uproar44 followed this fine outburst. Quimbleton had to calm the frenzy45 by gesturing for silence.
"I hear some natural queries," he said. "Some one asks 'How?' To this I shall presently explain 'Here's how.' Bear with me a moment.
"My friends, it would be idle for us to attempt the great task before us relying merely on ourselves. In such great crises it is necessary to call upon a Higher Power for strength and succor47. This is no mere46 brawl48, no haphazard49 scuffle: it is the battle-ground—if I were jocosely50 minded I might say it is the bottle-ground—of a great principle. If, gentlemen, I wished to harrow your souls, I would ask you to hark back in memory to the fine old days when brave men and lovely women sat down at the same table with a glass of wine, or a mug of ale, and no one thought any the worse. I would ask you to remember the color of the wine in the goblet41, how it caught the light, how merrily it twinkled with beaded bubbles winking51 at the brim, as some poet has observed. If I wanted to harrow you, gentlemen, I would recall to you little tables, little round tables, set out under the trees on the lawn of some country inn, where the enchanting52 music of harp53 and fiddle54 twangled on the summer air, where great bowls of punch chimed gently as the lumps of ice knocked on the thin crystal. The little tables were spread tinder the trees, and then, later on, perhaps, the customers were spread under the tables.—I would ask you to recall the manly55 seidel of dark beer as you knew it, the bitter chill of it as it went down, the simple felicity it induced in the care-burdened mind. I could quote to you poet after poet who has nourished his song upon honest malt liquor. I need only think of Mr. Masefield, who has put these manly words in the mouth of his pirate mate:
Oh some are fond of Spanish wine, and some are fond of French,
And some'll swallow tea and stuff fit only for a wench,
But I'm for right Jamaica till I roll beneath the bench!
Oh some are fond of fiddles56 and a song well sung,
And some are all for music for to lilt upon the tongue;
But mouths were made for tankards, and for sucking at the bung!"
This apparently57 artless oratory58 was beginning to have its effect. Loud huzzas filled the hall. These touching59 words had evoked60 wistful memories hidden deep in every heart. Old wounds were reopened and bled afresh.
Again Quimbleton had to call for silence.
"I will recite to you," he said, "a ditty that I have composed myself. It is called A Chanty of Departed Spirits."
In a voice tremulous with emotion he began:
The earth is grown puny61 and pallid62,
The earth is grown gouty and gray,
For whiskey no longer is valid63
And wine has been voted away—
As for beer, we no longer will swill it
In riotous64 rollicking spree;
The little hot dogs in the skillet
Will have to be sluiced65 down with tea.
O ales that were creamy like lather66!
O beers that were foamy67 like suds!
O fizz that I loved like a father!
O fie on the drinks that are duds!
I sat by the doors that were slatted
And the stuff had a surf like the sea—
No vintage was anywhere vatted68
Too strong for ventripotent me!
I wallowed in waves that were tidal,
But yet I was never unmoored;
And after the twentieth seidel
My syllables69 still were assured.
I never was forced to cut cable
And drift upon perilous70 shores,
To get home I was perfectly71 able,
Erect72, or at least on all fours.
Although I was often some swiller73,
I never was fuddled or blowsed;
My hand was still firm on the tiller,
No matter how deep I caroused74;
But now they have put an embargo76
On jazz-juice that tingles78 the spine79,
We can't even cozen80 a cargo81
Of harmless old gooseberry wine!
But no legislation can daunt82 us:
The drinks that we knew never die:
Their spirits will come back to haunt us
And whimper and hover83 near by.
The spookists insist that communion
Exists with the souls that we lose—
And so we may count on reunion
With all that's immortal84 of Booze.
Those spirits we loved have departed
To some psychical86 twentieth plane;
But still we will not be downhearted,
We'll soon greet our loved ones again—
To lighten our drouth and our tedium87
Whenever our moments would sag88,
We'll call in a spiritist medium
And go on a psychical jag!
As the frenzy of cheering died away, Quimbleton's face took on the glow of simple benignance that Bleak89 had first observed at the time of the julep incident in the Balloon office. The flush of a warm, impulsive90 idealism over-spread his genial91 features. It was the face of one who deeply loved his fellow-men.
"My friends," he said, "now I am able to say, in all sincerity92, Here's How. I have great honor in presenting to you my betrothed93 fiancee, Miss Theodolinda Chuff. Do not be startled by the name, gentlemen. Miss Chuff, the daughter of our arch-enemy, is wholly in sympathy with us. She is the possessor (happily for us) of extraordinary psychic85 powers. I have persuaded her to demonstrate them for our benefit. If you will follow my instructions implicitly94, you will have the good fortune of witnessing an alcoholic seance."
Miss Chuff, very pale, but obviously glad to put her spiritual gift at the disposal of her lover, was escorted to the platform by Bleak. The editor had been coached beforehand by Quimbleton as to the routine of the seance.
"The first requirement," said Quimbleton to the awe-struck gathering, "is to put yourselves in the proper frame of mind. For that purpose I will ask you all to stand up, placing one foot on the rung of a chair. Kindly95 imagine yourselves standing96 with one foot on a brass97 rail. You will then summon to mind, with all possible accuracy and vividness, the scenes of some bar-room which was once dear to you. I will also ask you to concentrate your mental faculties98 upon some beverage99 which was once your favorite. Please rehearse in imagination the entire ritual which was once so familiar, from the inquiring look of the bartender down to the final clang of the cash-register. A visualization100 of the old free lunch counter is also advisable. All these details will assist the medium to trance herself."
Bleak in the meantime had carried a small table on the platform, and placed an empty glass upon it. Miss Chuff sat down at this table, and gazed intently at the glass. Quimbleton produced a white apron101 from somewhere, and tied it round his burly form. With Bleak playing the role of customer he then went through a pantomime of serving imaginary drinks. His representation of the now vanished type of the bartender was so admirably realistic that it brought tears to the eyes of more than one in the gathering. The editor, with appropriate countenance102 and gesture, dramatized the motions of ordering, drinking, and paying for his invisible refreshment103. His pantomime was also accurate and satisfying, evidently based upon seasoned experience. The argument as to who should pay, the gesture conveying the generous sentiment "This one's on me," the spinning of a coin on the bar, the raising of the elbow, the final toss that dispatched the fluid—all these were done to the life. The audience followed suit with a will. A whispering rustle104 ran through the dingy105 hall as each man murmured his favorite catchwords. "Give it a name," "Set 'em up again," "Here's luck," and such archaic106 phrases were faintly audible. Miss Chuff kept her gaze fastened on the empty tumbler.
Suddenly her rigid107 pose relaxed. She drooped108 forward in her chair, with her head sunk and hands limp. Tenderly and reverently109 Quimbleton bent110 over her. Then, his face shining with triumph, he spoke111 to the hushed watchers.
"She is in the trance," he said. "Gentlemen, her happy soul is in touch with the departed spirits. What'll you have? Don't all speak at once."
Fifty-nine, in hushed voices, petitioned for a Bronx. Quimbleton turned to the unconscious girl.
"Fifty-nine devotees," he said, "ask that the spirit of the Bronx cocktail112 vouchsafe113 his presence among us."
Miss Chuff's slender figure stiffened114 again. Her hand went out to the glass beside her, and raised it to her lips. Some of the more eagerly credulous115 afterwards asserted that they had seen a cloudy yellow liquid appear in the vessel116, but it is not improbable that the wish was father to the vision. At any rate, the fifty-nine suppliants117 experienced at that instant a gush118 of sweet coolness down their throats, and the unmistakable subsequent tingle77. They gazed at each other with a wild surmise119.
"How about another?" said one in a thrilling whisper.
"Take your turn," said Quimbleton. "Who's next?"
One hundred and fifty-three nominated Scotch120 whiskey. The order was filled without a slip. Quimbleton's face beamed above his beard like a full-blown rose. "Magnificent!" he whispered to Bleak, both of them having partaken in the second round. "If this keeps on we'll have a charge of the tight brigade."
The next round was ninety-five Jack13 Rose cocktails121, but the audience was beginning to get out of hand. Those who had not yet been served grew restive122. They saw their companions with brightened eyes and beaming faces, comparing notes as to this delicious revival123 of old sensations. In the impatience124 of some and the jubilation125 of others, the psychic concentration flagged a little. Then, just as Quimbleton was about to ask for the fourth round, the unforgiveable happened. Some one at the back shouted, "A glass of buttermilk!"
Miss Chuff shuddered126, quivered, and opened her eyes with a tragic127 gasp128. She slipped from the chair, and fell exhausted129 to the floor. Bleak ran to pick her up. Quimbleton screamed out an oath.
"The spell is broken!" he roared. "There's a spy in the room!"
At that instant a battalion130 of armed chuffs burst into the hall. They carried a huge hose, and in ten seconds a six-inch stream of cold water was being poured upon the bewildered psychic tipplers. Quimbleton and Bleak, seizing the girl's helpless form, escaped by a door at the back of the platform.
"Heaven help us," cried Bleak, distraught. "What shall we do? This means the firing squad131 unless we can escape."
Theodolinda feebly opened her eyes.
"O horrible," she murmured. "The spirit of buttermilk—I saw him—he threatened me—"
"The horse!" cried Quimbleton, with fierce energy. "The Bishop's horse—in the stable!"
They ran wildly to the rear quarters of the Home, where they found the Bishop's famous charger whinneying in his stall. All three leaped upon his back. In the confusion, amid the screams of the tortured inmates and the cruel cries of the invading chuffs, they made good their escape.
Every one of the wretched inmates captured at the psychic carouse75 was immediately sentenced to six months' hard listening on the Chautauqua circuit. But even during this brutal132 punishment their memories returned with tenderest reminiscence to the experience of that afternoon. As one of them said, "it was a real treat." And although Quimbleton had plainly stated the relation in which he stood to Theodolinda Chuff, she had no less than two hundred and ten proposals of marriage, by mail, from those who had attended the seance.
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1
bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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2
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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3
attaining
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的现在分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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4
illicit
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| adj.非法的，禁止的，不正当的 | |
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5
alcoholic
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| adj.（含）酒精的，由酒精引起的；n.酗酒者 | |
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6
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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7
apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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8
justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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9
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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10
inmate
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| n.被收容者；(房屋等的)居住人；住院人 | |
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11
inmates
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| n.囚犯( inmate的名词复数 ) | |
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12
smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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13
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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14
moldy
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| adj.发霉的 | |
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15
savor
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| vt.品尝，欣赏；n.味道，风味；情趣，趣味 | |
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16
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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17
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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18
lockers
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| n.寄物柜( locker的名词复数 ) | |
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19
derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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20
delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 )；谬见；错觉；妄想 | |
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21
candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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22
dissent
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| n./v.不同意，持异议 | |
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23
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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24
incarcerated
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| 钳闭的 | |
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25
morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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26
relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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27
undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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28
outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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29
meek
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| adj.温顺的，逆来顺受的 | |
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30
dearth
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| n.缺乏，粮食不足，饥谨 | |
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31
triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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32
indicted
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| 控告，起诉( indict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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33
overt
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| adj.公开的，明显的，公然的 | |
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34
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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35
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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36
raisin
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| n.葡萄干 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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38
warship
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| n.军舰，战舰 | |
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39
submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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40
goblets
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| n.高脚酒杯( goblet的名词复数 ) | |
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41
goblet
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| n.高脚酒杯 | |
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42
pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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43
swill
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| v.冲洗；痛饮；n.泔脚饲料；猪食；（谈话或写作中的）无意义的话 | |
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44
uproar
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| n.骚动，喧嚣，鼎沸 | |
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45
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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46
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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47
succor
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| n.援助，帮助；v.给予帮助 | |
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48
brawl
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| n.大声争吵，喧嚷；v.吵架，对骂 | |
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49
haphazard
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| adj.无计划的，随意的，杂乱无章的 | |
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50
jocosely
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| adv.说玩笑地，诙谐地 | |
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51
winking
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| n.瞬眼，目语v.使眼色( wink的现在分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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52
enchanting
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| a.讨人喜欢的 | |
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53
harp
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| n.竖琴；天琴座 | |
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54
fiddle
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| n.小提琴；vi.拉提琴；不停拨弄，乱动 | |
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55
manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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56
fiddles
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| n.小提琴( fiddle的名词复数 )；欺诈；（需要运用手指功夫的）细巧活动；当第二把手v.伪造( fiddle的第三人称单数 )；篡改；骗取；修理或稍作改动 | |
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57
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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58
oratory
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| n.演讲术；词藻华丽的言辞 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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60
evoked
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| [医]诱发的 | |
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puny
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| adj.微不足道的，弱小的 | |
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pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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valid
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| adj.有确实根据的；有效的；正当的，合法的 | |
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riotous
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| adj.骚乱的；狂欢的 | |
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65
sluiced
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| v.冲洗( sluice的过去式和过去分词 )；（指水）喷涌而出；漂净；给…安装水闸 | |
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66
lather
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| n.(肥皂水的)泡沫，激动 | |
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67
foamy
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| adj.全是泡沫的，泡沫的，起泡沫的 | |
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vatted
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| 把…盛入大桶（vat的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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70
perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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71
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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72
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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73
swiller
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| 溶胀剂，膨胀剂 | |
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caroused
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| v.痛饮，闹饮欢宴( carouse的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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carouse
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| v.狂欢；痛饮；n.狂饮的宴会 | |
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embargo
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| n.禁运（令）；vt.对...实行禁运，禁止（通商） | |
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77
tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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78
tingles
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| n.刺痛感( tingle的名词复数 )v.有刺痛感( tingle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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79
spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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80
cozen
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| v.欺骗，哄骗 | |
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81
cargo
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| n.(一只船或一架飞机运载的)货物 | |
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82
daunt
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| vt.使胆怯，使气馁 | |
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83
hover
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| vi.翱翔，盘旋；徘徊；彷徨，犹豫 | |
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84
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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85
psychic
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| n.对超自然力敏感的人；adj.有超自然力的 | |
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86
psychical
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| adj.有关特异功能现象的；有关特异功能官能的；灵魂的；心灵的 | |
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87
tedium
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| n.单调；烦闷 | |
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88
sag
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| v.下垂，下跌，消沉；n.下垂，下跌，凹陷，[航海]随风漂流 | |
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89
bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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93
betrothed
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| n. 已订婚者 动词betroth的过去式和过去分词 | |
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implicitly
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| adv. 含蓄地, 暗中地, 毫不保留地 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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98
faculties
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| n.能力( faculty的名词复数 )；全体教职员；技巧；院 | |
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99
beverage
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| n.(水，酒等之外的)饮料 | |
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100
visualization
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| n.想像，设想 | |
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101
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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102
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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103
refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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104
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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105
dingy
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| adj.昏暗的，肮脏的 | |
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106
archaic
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| adj.(语言、词汇等)古代的，已不通用的 | |
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107
rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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108
drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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110
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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111
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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112
cocktail
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| n.鸡尾酒；餐前开胃小吃；混合物 | |
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113
vouchsafe
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| v.惠予，准许 | |
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114
stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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115
credulous
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| adj.轻信的，易信的 | |
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116
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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117
suppliants
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| n.恳求者，哀求者( suppliant的名词复数 ) | |
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118
gush
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| v.喷，涌；滔滔不绝(说话)；n.喷，涌流；迸发 | |
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119
surmise
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| v./n.猜想，推测 | |
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120
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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121
cocktails
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| n.鸡尾酒( cocktail的名词复数 )；餐前开胃菜；混合物 | |
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122
restive
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| adj.不安宁的，不安静的 | |
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123
revival
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| n.复兴，复苏，（精力、活力等的）重振 | |
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124
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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125
jubilation
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| n.欢庆，喜悦 | |
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126
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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127
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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128
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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129
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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130
battalion
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| n.营；部队；大队(的人) | |
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131
squad
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| n.班，小队，小团体；vt.把…编成班或小组 | |
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132
brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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