Bleak was frankly9 nervous as they approached the Chuff Building.
"What line of talk are we going to adopt?" he asked.
"Like any self-respecting line," replied Quimbleton, "Ours will be the shortest distance between two points. The first point is that we want to obtain something from Chuff. The second is that we have some information to give him which will be of immense value to him. This we shall hold over him as a club, to force him to concede what we want."
"And what is this club?" asked Bleak, somewhat suspicious of his friend's sanguine10 disposition11.
"The admirable plan," said Quimbleton, "is Theodolinda's idea. She knows her father better than we do. She says that his passion is for prohibiting things. He thinks he has now prohibited everything possible. We are in a position to tell him something that still remains12 unprohibited. His eagerness to know what that may be will make him yield to our request."
Bleak pondered gloomily. As far as he could recall, the Prohibition13 Government had overlooked nothing. The quaint14 part of it was that some of its prohibitions15, carried to their logical extreme, had curiously16 overleaped their mark. For instance, finding it impossible to enforce the laws against playing games on Sundays, the Government had concluded that the only way to make the Sabbath utterly17 immaculate was to abolish it altogether, which was done. Other laws, probably based upon genuine zeal18 for human welfare, had resulted in odd evasions19 or legal fictions. For instance, people were forbidden to miss trains. The penalty for missing a train was ten days' hard labor20 splitting infinitives21 in the government tract-factory. Rather than impose this harsh punishment on any one, good-hearted engineers would permit their trains to loiter about the stations until they felt certain no other passengers would turn up. Consequently no trains were ever on time, and the Government was forced to do away with time entirely22. Another thing that was abolished was hot weather. It had been found too tedious to tilt23 the axis24 of the earth, therefore all the thermometers were re-scaled. When the temperature was really 96 degrees, the mercury registered only 70 degrees, and every one was saying how jolly cool it was for the time of year. This, of course, was careless, for there was no such thing as time or year, but still people kept on saying it. Bleak was thinking over these matters when he suddenly recalled that it was forbidden to remember things as they had been under the old regime. He pulled himself up with a start. In order to make his mind a blank he tried to imagine himself about to write a leading editorial for the Balloon. This was so successful that he did not come to earth again until they stood in the ante-room—or as Quimbleton called it, the anti-room—of the Bishop.
"Who is to be spokesman?" he said apprehensively25, gazing with distaste at the angular females who were pecking at typewriters. "It would be unseemly for me to present my own claims in this project. Quimbleton, you are the one—you have the gift of the tongue."
"I would rather have the gift of the bung," whispered Quimbleton resolutely26 as they were ushered27 into the inner sanctum.
The dreaded28 Bishop sat at an immense ebony flat-topped desk. The room was furnished like his mind, that is to say, sparsely29, and without any southern exposure. A peculiarly terrifying feature of the scene was that the top of the desk was completely bare, not a single paper lay on it. Remembering his own desk in the newspaper office, Bleak felt that this was unnatural30 and monstrous31. He noticed a breathoscope on the mantelpiece, with its sensitive needle trembling on the scaled dial which read thus:—
As he watched the indicator32 oscillate rapidly on the dial, and finally subside33 uncertainly at zero, he thanked heaven that they had indulged in no psychic34 grogs that day.
The Bishop's black beard foamed35 downward upon the desk like a gloomy cataract36. Quimbleton for a moment was almost abashed37, and regretted that he had not thought to whitewash38 his own dingy39 thicket40.
Bishop Chuff's piercing and cruel gaze stabbed all three. He ignored Theodolinda with contempt. His disdain42 was so complete that (as the unhappy girl said afterward) he seemed more like a younger brother than a father. There were no chairs: they were forced to stand. In a small mirror fastened to the edge of his desk the sneering43 potentate44 could note the dial-reading of the instrument without turning. He watched the reflected needle flicker45 and come to rest.
"So, Mr. Quimbleton," he said, in a harsh and untuned voice, "You come comparatively sober. Strange that you should choose to be unintoxicated when you face the greatest ordeal46 of your life."
The savage47 irony48 of this angered Quimbleton.
"One touch of liquor makes the whole world kin," he said. "I assure you I have no desire to claim kinship with your bitter and intolerant soul."
"Ah?" said the Bishop, with mock politeness. "You relieve me greatly. I had thought you desired to claim me as father-in-law."
"Oh, Parent!" cried Theodolinda; "How can you be so cruel? Sarcasm49 is such a low form of humor."
"I am not trying to be humorous," said the Bishop grimly. "You, who were once the apple of my eye, are now only an apple of discord50. You, whom I considered such a promising51 child, are now a breach52 of promise. You have sucked my blood. You are a Vampire53."
"The Vampire on whom the sun never sets," whispered Quimbleton to the terrified girl, encouraging her as she shrank against him.
"This is no time for jest," said the Bishop angrily. "You said you had a matter of vital import to lay before me. Make haste. And remember that you are here only on sufferance. I shall be pitiless. I shall scourge54 the evil principle you represent from the face of the earth."
"We do not fear your threats," said Quimbleton stoutly55. "We are not alarmed by your frown."
He was, greatly, but he was sparring for time to put his thoughts in order. He started to say "Uneasy lies the head that wears a frown," which was an aphorism56 of his own he thought highly of, but Theodolinda checked him. She knew that her father detested57 puns. It was perhaps his only virtue58.
"Bishop Chuff," said Quimbleton, "perhaps you are not aware of the strength and tenacity59 of the sentiment we represent. I assure you that if you underestimate the power of the millions of thirsty mouths that speak through us, you will rue41 the consequences. Trouble is brewing60—"
"Neither trouble, nor anything else, is brewing nowadays," said the terrible Bishop.
Theodolinda saw that Quimbleton was losing ground by his incorrigible61 habit of talking before he said anything. She broke in impetuously, and explained the plan for the Perpetual Souse. Her father listened to the end with his cold, forbidding gaze, while the sensitive needle of the recording62 instrument on the mantel danced and wagged in agitation63.
"So this is your scheme, is it?" he said. "Abandoned offspring, you deserve the gallows64."
"Wait a moment," said Quimbleton. "Now comes the other side of the argument. If you grant us this concession65 we in turn will put you in possession of a magnificent idea. You think that you have prohibited everything. Your vetoes cumber66 the earth. But there is still one thing you have forgotten to prohibit."
"What is it?" said the Bishop coldly. His hard face was unmoved, but his eyes brightened a trifle.
"There is one thing you have forgotten to prohibit," said Quimbleton solemnly. "I can hardly conceive how it escaped you. The one thing that harasses67 human beings over the whole civilized68 world. The one thing which, if you were to abolish it, would make your name, foul69 as that now is, blessed in the ears of men. Oh, the joy of still having something to prohibit! The unmixed bliss70 and high privilege of the vetoing function! I envy you, from my heart, in still having something to forbid."
The Bishop stirred uneasily in his chair. "What is it?" he said.
Quimbleton watched him with a steady and slightly annoying smile.
"I like to dwell in imagination upon your surprise when you realize what you have overlooked. It seems so simple! To abolish, prohibit, banish71, and remove, at one swoop72, the chief preoccupation of mankind! The simple and high-minded felicity of still having something prohibitable subject to your omnipotent73 legislation! But there, I dare say I am wrong. Probably you are weary of prohibiting things."
Quimbleton made a motion to his companions as though to leave the room. The Bishop leaped to his feet, with curiously mingled74 anger and eagerness on his face. "Stop!" he cried. "You can't mean laughter? I abolished that some weeks ago. I don't believe there is anything left—"
"How quaint it is," said Quimbleton (as though talking to himself), "that it is always the plainly obvious that eludes75! But, of course, the reason you have not abolished this matter before is that to do so would wholly alter and undermine the habits of the race. Nothing would be the same as before. I daresay a good deal of misery76 would be caused in the long run, who knows? Ah well, it seems a pity you forgot it—"
"Hell's bells!" roared the Bishop, bringing his fist down on the desk with fury—"What is it? Let me get at it!"
"I should be sorry to marry into a profane77 family," was Quimbleton's reply, moving toward the door.
The Bishop chewed the end of his beard with a crunching78 sound. This unpleasant gesture caused a tingle79 to pass along Bleak's sensitive spine80, already strained to painful nervous tension. The office of the Perpetual Souse hung in the balance.
"Look here," said Bishop Chuff, "If I let you have your way about the—the Permanent Exhibit, will you tell me what it is I have forgotten to prohibit?"
"With pleasure," said Quimbleton. "Will you put it down in black and white, please?"
He secured the Bishop's signature to a document giving instructions for the necessary legislation to be passed. Folding the precious paper in his pocket, Quimbleton faced the black-browed Bishop. He held Theodolinda by the hand.
"I am sorry," he said, "that I should have forgotten to bring a ring with me. If I had done so, you might have married us here and now. At least you will not refuse us your blessing81?"
"Blessings82 have been abolished," said Chuff in a voice of exasperation83. "Now inform me what it is that I have forgotten to condemn84."
"Work!" cried Quimbleton, and the three ran hastily from the room.
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1
sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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wireless
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| adj.无线的；n.无线电 | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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curt
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| adj.简短的，草率的 | |
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6
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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odds
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| n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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sanguine
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| adj.充满希望的，乐观的，血红色的 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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prohibition
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| n.禁止；禁令，禁律 | |
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quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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15
prohibitions
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| 禁令，禁律( prohibition的名词复数 )； 禁酒； 禁例 | |
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16
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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18
zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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19
evasions
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| 逃避( evasion的名词复数 )； 回避； 遁辞； 借口 | |
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20
labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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21
infinitives
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| n.（动词）不定式( infinitive的名词复数 ) | |
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22
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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23
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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24
axis
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| n.轴，轴线，中心线；坐标轴，基准线 | |
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25
apprehensively
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| adv.担心地 | |
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resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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28
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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29
sparsely
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| adv.稀疏地；稀少地；不足地；贫乏地 | |
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30
unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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31
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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32
indicator
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| n.指标；指示物，指示者；指示器 | |
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33
subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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34
psychic
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| n.对超自然力敏感的人；adj.有超自然力的 | |
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35
foamed
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| 泡沫的 | |
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36
cataract
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| n.大瀑布，奔流，洪水，白内障 | |
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37
abashed
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| adj.窘迫的，尴尬的v.使羞愧，使局促，使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38
whitewash
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| v.粉刷，掩饰；n.石灰水，粉刷，掩饰 | |
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39
dingy
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| adj.昏暗的，肮脏的 | |
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40
thicket
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| n.灌木丛，树林 | |
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41
rue
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| n.懊悔，芸香，后悔；v.后悔，悲伤，懊悔 | |
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42
disdain
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| n.鄙视，轻视；v.轻视，鄙视，不屑 | |
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43
sneering
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| 嘲笑的，轻蔑的 | |
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44
potentate
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| n.统治者；君主 | |
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45
flicker
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| vi./n.闪烁，摇曳，闪现 | |
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46
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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47
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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48
irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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49
sarcasm
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| n.讥讽，讽刺，嘲弄，反话 （adj.sarcastic） | |
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50
discord
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| n.不和，意见不合，争论，（音乐）不和谐 | |
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51
promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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52
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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53
vampire
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| n.吸血鬼 | |
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54
scourge
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| n.灾难，祸害；v.蹂躏 | |
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55
stoutly
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| adv.牢固地，粗壮的 | |
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56
aphorism
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| n.格言，警语 | |
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57
detested
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| v.憎恶，嫌恶，痛恨( detest的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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59
tenacity
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| n.坚韧 | |
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60
brewing
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| n. 酿造, 一次酿造的量 动词brew的现在分词形式 | |
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61
incorrigible
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| adj.难以纠正的，屡教不改的 | |
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62
recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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63
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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64
gallows
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| n.绞刑架，绞台 | |
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65
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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66
cumber
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| v.拖累，妨碍；n.妨害；拖累 | |
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67
harasses
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| v.侵扰，骚扰( harass的第三人称单数 )；不断攻击（敌人） | |
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68
civilized
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| a.有教养的，文雅的 | |
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69
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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70
bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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71
banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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72
swoop
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| n.俯冲，攫取；v.抓取，突然袭击 | |
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73
omnipotent
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| adj.全能的，万能的 | |
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74
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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75
eludes
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| v.（尤指机敏地）避开( elude的第三人称单数 )；逃避；躲避；使达不到 | |
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76
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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77
profane
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| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
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78
crunching
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| v.嘎吱嘎吱地咬嚼( crunch的现在分词 )；嘎吱作响；（快速大量地）处理信息；数字捣弄 | |
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79
tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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80
spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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81
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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82
blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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83
exasperation
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| n.愤慨 | |
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84
condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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