“I must ask you to pardon me,” he said, putting his hand on the back of the chair. “You will, perhaps, understand that all that has happened to-day has disturbed my calculations a little. A man cannot go back four years of his life in so unexpected a way without feeling a little off his equilibrium14. May I ask you to postpone15 till to-morrow what you have to say?”
“Only a moment—only three words,” said Mr. Meredith; “I hope you have forgiven me for the mistake which I have regretted ever since. I meant no slight to you, whom I did not know. I was naturally excited to find my daughter in such circumstances; and, Mr. Campbell, I am sure you are generous; you will not let a mere6 mistake prejudice you against me.”
“It was not a mistake,” said Colin coldly; “you were right enough in everything but the motives you imputed16 to me; and I am almost as poor a man now as I was then, with very little chance of being richer—I may say with no chance,” he went on, with a certain pleasure in exaggerating his disadvantages. “A Scotch17 minister can make no advance in his profession. Instead of finding fault with what you did then, I feel disposed to bid you weigh well the circumstances now.{410}”
Mr. Meredith smiled, with a little air of protection, and drew a long breath of relief. “Alice will have enough for both,” he said; “and Providence18 has taught me by many severe lessons the vanity of riches. She will have enough for both.”
It was at this moment that all the bitterness of the sacrifice he was making rushed upon Colin’s mind—rushed upon him like a flood, quenching19 even the natural courtesy of his disposition20, and giving him a certain savage21 satisfaction in wreaking22 his vengeance23 upon the rich man, whose riches he despised, and whose money smelt24 of spoliation and wrong. All the silent rage against his fate which possessed25 Colin—all the reluctance26 and disappointment which a higher principle kept in abeyance27 in presence of the innocent Alice—blazed up against her father in a momentary28 glare which appalled29 the victim. Colin might give up his ideal and his dreams for tender friendship and honour and compassion30; but the idea of any sordid31 inducement mingled32 with these motives drove him the length of passion. It was, however, not with any noisy demonstration33, but in a white heat of bitterness and angry resistance that he spoke34.
“It will be better that we should understand each other clearly on this point,” said Colin. “I am not your judge, to say you have done well or ill; but it is a matter on which I may be permitted to have my own opinion. I will not accept a shilling of your fortune. If Alice is content to have me as I am, she shall have all the care, all the tenderness that I can give her; but—pardon me, it is necessary to speak plainly—I will take nothing from you.”
Colin stood up with his hand on the back of his chair, and delivered his charge full into the breast of his unsuspecting opponent. Perhaps it was cruel; but there are circumstances under which it is a relief to be cruel to somebody, and the pain in his soul found for itself a certain expression in these words. As for the unhappy victim who received them, the sense of surprise almost deadened the effect for the moment; he could not believe that he had heard rightly. Mr. Meredith was of the Low Church, and was used to say every day that wealth was vanity, and that the true treasure had to be laid up above; but still experience had not shown him that poor young priests of any creed35 were generally so far moved by these sentiments as to despise the fortune which a wife might bring them. He was so much amazed that he gave a gasp36 of consternation37 at the young man who thus defied him, and grew not pale but grey with an emotion which was more wonder than anger. Mr. Meredith was{411} not a bad man, notwithstanding that he had ruined several households, and made himself rich at other people’s expense; and, even had he felt the full force of the insult personally, his anxiety about Alice would have made him bear it. That fatherly dread39 and love made him for the moment a great deal more Christian40 than Colin, who had thus assaulted him in the bitterness of his heart.
“Mr. Campbell,” he replied, when he had sufficiently41 recovered himself to speak, “I don’t know what you have heard about me. I don’t mean to enter upon any defence of myself. My poor boy, I know, misunderstood some transactions, not knowing anything about business. But, so far as I can see, that matters very little between you and me. I have explained to you that my conduct in reference to yourself was founded on a mistake. I have expressed my gratitude42 to you in respect to my son; and now, if we are to be more closely connected——”
“That depends upon Miss Meredith,” said Colin, hastily. “You have opened your doors to me voluntarily, and not by my solicitation43; and now it is to her that I have a right to address myself. Otherwise it would have been better if you had not asked me to come here.”
“Yes, yes,” said Mr. Meredith. He thought he saw a doubtful gleam in Colin’s eye, and an accent of repugnance44 in his voice, and he trembled to the bottom of his heart lest perhaps, after all, he might lose this chance of preserving his daughter. “Yes, yes,” he said with a smile, which it cost him a little trouble to assume, and which looked horribly out of place to Colin; “I ought to have learned by this time that it does not do to interfere45 between lovers. I allow that it lies entirely between her and you.”
He might have said a great deal more if his young hearer would have given him time; but Colin was only too glad to escape. The word “lovers” which Mr. Meredith used, the smile which he was so far from meaning, the lighter46 tone which belied47 his feelings quite as much as Colin’s, drove the young man half frantic48 with impatience and disgust. At last he managed to get his will, and escaped out of doors, with the cigar which was an excuse for his thoughts. The night was dark, and agitated49 by a ghostly wind, and the country, utterly50 unknown, which lay round the house in the darkness, and which neither memory nor imagination presented to the mind of the stranger, increased the natural effect of the gloom and the solitude51. He went down through the long straight opening of the avenue,{412} which was a little less black than the surrounding world, with a sensation of loneliness which was as strange as it was painful. He did not seem to know himself or his life henceforward any more than he knew the wild, strange country over which the night and the wind ruled supreme52. It seemed to him as if the solace53 of friendship, the consolation54 of sympathy, were all ended for ever; he could not talk, even to those who were most dear to him, of his betrothed55, or of his marriage—if, indeed, that was what it must come to. He had walked up and down the avenue two or three times, from one end to another, before even a little coherence56 came to his thoughts. All was so strange and unbelievable as yet; so like a trick of magic played upon him by some malign57 magician. He was not capable of thinking; but everything passed before him like a vision, appearing and disappearing out of the darkness. His old freedom, his impulses of revolution, the force and fulness of life with which he was young enough to sport, even in its most serious strength, and all the sweet wealth of imagination that had lain hoarded58 up for him among the clouds—these were things that belonged to yesterday. To-night it was another world that seemed to lie before him in the gloom, a separate sphere from the actual world in which he was standing38. Vague limitations and restrictions59 which he could not identify were awaiting him; and he saw no way of escaping, and yet did not know how he was to bear the future thraldom60.
As this ferment61 calmed down a little, Colin began to think of Alice, sweet and patient, and dutiful as she always was. He even resented, for her sake, his own indifference62 and repugnance, and said bitterly to himself that it was hard that such a woman should be accepted as a necessary burden, and not longed for as a crown of blessing63; but yet, with all that, he could not cheat his own heart, or persuade himself that he wanted to marry her, or that it was less than the sacrifice of all his individual hopes to enter again upon the old relationship, and fulfil the youthful bond. When, however, he attempted to ask himself if he could escape, the same heart which sank at the thought of this bond baffled and stopped him in his question. He would not harm her, should it kill him.
“He loved her with all love, except the love
Of men and women when they love the best.”
And it was he himself who had knitted in youthful generosity64 and indiscretion the chain that now lay on his limbs like iron. Alice had done nothing unmaidenly, nothing that in all honour{413} and delicacy65 she ought not to have done. To be sure, another man as honourable66 as Colin might have given her to understand, or permitted her to find out, the change which had taken in his sentiments. But Colin could not even assert with any truth that his sentiments had changed. For he was almost as conscious that she was not the woman of his imagination when he led her home from the ilex avenue on the day which determined67 their fortunes as he was now after the long separation which had not broken the link between them. He had known in his heart that it was not broken, even when he had most felt his freedom; and now what could he do? Perhaps that morning, after the carriage had passed him, after the little cry of recognition which convinced his heart, but which his mind could still have struggled against, he might have turned back as he had once thought of doing, and fled ignominiously68. But that moment was past, and there was nothing to be done but accept the results of his own youthful rashness. Such were the thoughts that went through his mind as he walked up and down the avenue between the two long lines of trees, hearing the wind roar among the branches overhead, and feeling that henceforward there must always be a secret in his heart, something which nobody must discover, a secret which neither now nor any time could be breathed into any sympathetic ear. This sense of something to conceal69 weighed harder upon Colin than if it had been a crime—for there is no crime so terrible but a human creature may entertain the hope some time of relieving his mind of it, and breathing it into the ear of some confidant, consecrated70 either by love or religion, who will not shrink from him in consequence of that revelation. The sting of Colin’s burden was that he could never relieve himself of it, that all the questions raised by it must absolutely confine themselves to his own mind, and must lie unnamed and even unsuggested between him and those friends from whom he had never hidden anything but this.
All this he revolved71 in his mind as he contemplated72 his position. So far from seeking sympathy, it would be his business to refuse and ignore it, should it be given by any implication, and to seek congratulations, felicitations, instead. All this he was going to do for Alice’s sake; and yet he did not love Alice. He looked up at a faintly-lighted window, where there seemed to be a shaded light as in an invalid’s room, and thought of her with a mixture of bitterness and sweetness, of tender affection and unconquerable reluctance, of loyalty73 almost fantastic and the most painful sense of hardship, which it would be{414} impossible to describe. She, for her part, was lying down to rest with her heart full of the sweetest content and thankfulness, thinking with thoughts so different from his how her life had changed since the morning, and how the almost-forgotten sunshine had come back again, to remain for ever. This was how Alice was looking at the matter, and Colin knew it in his heart. If she could but wake out of that soft paradise to see the darkness and the turmoil74 in his mind! But that was what she must never find out.
And thus Colin made up his mind, if he could ever be said to have had any doubt in his mind, as to what was to be done. He did not even cheat himself by the hope that anything could happen to deliver him. It was Providence, as Alice had said. Perhaps it might come darkly into the young man’s mind to wonder whether those severe lessons which Mr. Meredith said he had had in his family—whether all those fatal losses and sorrows which Alice regarded with awe75, yet with a certain devout76 admiration77 as God’s mysterious way of bringing about her own happiness, could be designed to effect an end which did not make him happy; for, in such a question, personal content or dissatisfaction has a great deal to do with the way in which a man regards the tenor78 of Providence. Had he been as happy as Alice was, perhaps he too would have concluded that this was but another instance how all things work together for good. But, as he was not happy, he plunged79 into a world of more painful questions, and returned again as before, after his favourite speculations80 had beguiled81 him for a little out of the immediate82 matter in hand, to realize, as if by a flash of lightning, all the facts of the case, and all the necessities before him. There may be many people who will condemn83 Colin both for remaining indifferent to Alice, and for remaining faithful to her in his indifference. But this is not a defence nor eulogium of him, but simply a history. It was thus his mind acted under the circumstances. He could conduct himself only according to his own nature; and this is all that there is to say.
All this time Lauderdale was standing at his window, watching in the darkness for an occasional glimpse of something moving among the trees. He had put out his light by instinct, that Colin might not think he was being watched. He kept looking out upon the wild tree-tops swaying about in the wind, and upon the wilder clouds, dashed and heaped about the sky, with a great sadness in his heart. Colin’s nature was not like his; yet by dint84 of a sympathy which had been expanding and{415} growing with the young man’s growth, and a knowledge of him and his ways, which no one in the world possessed to the same extent, Lauderdale had very nearly divined what was in his friend’s heart. He divined at the same time that he must never divine it, nor betray by word or look that such an idea had ever entered his mind. And that was why he put his light out, and, watching long till Colin had come in, said his prayers in the dark, and went to rest without seeking any communication with him, though his heart was yearning85 over him. It was Colin, and not Lauderdale, who was the hero of that silent struggle. Yet perhaps there was no single pang86 in the young man’s suffering so exquisite87 as that which thrilled through his companion as he resigned himself to an appearance of repose88, and denied himself so much as a look at his friend, to whom he had been like a father. At such a moment a look might have been a betrayal; and now it was Lauderdale’s business to second Colin’s resolution—to avoid all confidence, and to save him even from himself.
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1
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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3
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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8
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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9
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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12
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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equilibrium
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| n.平衡，均衡，相称，均势，平静 | |
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15
postpone
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| v.延期，推迟 | |
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imputed
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| v.把（错误等）归咎于( impute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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17
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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18
providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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quenching
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| 淬火，熄 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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22
wreaking
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| 诉诸（武力），施行（暴力），发（脾气）( wreak的现在分词 ) | |
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23
vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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24
smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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25
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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26
reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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abeyance
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| n.搁置，缓办，中止，产权未定 | |
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28
momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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29
appalled
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| v.使惊骇，使充满恐惧( appall的过去式和过去分词)adj.惊骇的；丧胆的 | |
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30
compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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32
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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33
demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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34
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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35
creed
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| n.信条；信念，纲领 | |
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36
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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38
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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39
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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40
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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41
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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42
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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43
solicitation
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| n.诱惑；揽货；恳切地要求；游说 | |
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44
repugnance
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| n.嫌恶 | |
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45
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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46
lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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47
belied
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| v.掩饰( belie的过去式和过去分词 )；证明（或显示）…为虚假；辜负；就…扯谎 | |
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48
frantic
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| adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的 | |
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49
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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50
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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51
solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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52
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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53
solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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54
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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55
betrothed
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| n. 已订婚者 动词betroth的过去式和过去分词 | |
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56
coherence
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| n.紧凑；连贯；一致性 | |
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57
malign
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| adj.有害的；恶性的；恶意的；v.诽谤，诬蔑 | |
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58
hoarded
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| v.积蓄并储藏（某物）( hoard的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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59
restrictions
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| 约束( restriction的名词复数 )； 管制； 制约因素； 带限制性的条件（或规则） | |
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60
thraldom
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| n.奴隶的身份，奴役，束缚 | |
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61
ferment
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| vt.使发酵；n./vt.（使）激动，（使）动乱 | |
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62
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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63
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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64
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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65
delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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ignominiously
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| adv.耻辱地，屈辱地，丢脸地 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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70
consecrated
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| adj.神圣的，被视为神圣的v.把…奉为神圣，给…祝圣( consecrate的过去式和过去分词 )；奉献 | |
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71
revolved
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| v.（使）旋转( revolve的过去式和过去分词 )；细想 | |
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72
contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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turmoil
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| n.骚乱，混乱，动乱 | |
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75
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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76
devout
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| adj.虔诚的，虔敬的，衷心的 (n.devoutness) | |
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77
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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78
tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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79
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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80
speculations
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| n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 )；思考；投机活动；推断 | |
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81
beguiled
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| v.欺骗( beguile的过去式和过去分词 )；使陶醉；使高兴；消磨（时间等） | |
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82
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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83
condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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84
dint
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| n.由于，靠；凹坑 | |
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85
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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86
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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87
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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88
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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