“You were rather hard on Miss Fearing yesterday,” George said on the following morning, when they were alone during the quarter of an hour he allowed to elapse between breakfast and going to work.
264“Hard on her? What do you mean?” asked Mamie with well-feigned surprise.
“Why—I mean when you suggested that I should put you both into a book together. Oh, I know what you are going to say. You meant nothing by it, you had not thought of what you were going to say, you would not have said anything disagreeable for the world. Nevertheless you said it, and in the calmest way, and it did just what you expected of it—it hurt her.”
“Well—do you mind?” Mamie inquired, with amazing frankness.
“Yes. You made her think that I had been talking to you about her.”
“And what harm is there in that? You did talk about her a little a few days ago—on a certain evening. And, moreover, Master George, though you are a great man and a very good sort of man, and a dear, altogether, besides possessing the supreme4 advantage of being my cousin, you cannot prevent me from hating your beloved Constance Fearing nor from hurting her as much as I possibly can whenever we meet—especially if she sits down beside you and makes soft eyes at you, and tries to get you back!”
“Do not talk like that, Mamie. I do not like it.”
Mamie laughed, and showed her beautiful teeth. There was a vicious sparkle in her eyes.
“You want to be taken back, I suppose,” she said. “Tell me the truth—do you love her still?”
George suddenly caught her by the two wrists and held her before him. He was annoyed and yet he could not help being amused.
“Mamie, you shall not say such things! You are as spiteful as a little wild-cat!”
“Am I? I am glad of it—and I am not in the least afraid of you, or your big hands or your black looks.”
George laughed and dropped her hands with a little shake, half angry, half playful.
“I really believe you are not!” he exclaimed.
265“Of course not! Was she? Or were you afraid of her? Which was it? Oh, how I would have liked to see you together when you were angry with each other! She can be very angry, you know. She was yesterday. She would have liked to tear me to pieces with those long nails of hers. I hate people who have long nails!”
“You seem to hate a great many people this morning. I wish you would leave her alone.”
“Oh, now you are going to be angry, too! But then, it would not matter.”
“Why would it not matter?”
“Because I am only Mamie,” answered the girl, looking up affectionately into his face. “You never care what I say, do you?”
“I do not know about that,” George said. “What do you mean by saying that you are only Mamie?”
“Mamie is nobody, you know. Mamie is only a cousin, a little girl who wants nothing of George but toys and picture-books, a silly child, a foolish, half-witted little thing that cannot understand a great man—much less tease him. Can she?”
“Mamie is a witch,” George answered with a laugh. There was indeed something strangely bewitching about the girl. She could say things to him which he would not have suffered his own sister to say if he had had one.
“I wish I were! I wish I could make wax dolls, like people I hate, as the witches used to do, and stick pins into their hearts and melt them before the fire, little by little.”
“What has got into your head this morning, you murderous, revengeful little thing?”
“There are many things in my head,” she answered, suddenly changing her manner, and speaking in an oddly demure5 tone, with downcast eyes and folded hands. “There are more things in my head than are dreamt of in yours—at least, I hope so.”
“Tell me some of them.”
266“I dare do all that becomes—a proper little girl,” said Mamie, laughing, “but not that.”
“Dear me! I had no idea that you were such a desperate character.”
“Tell me, George—if you did what I suggested yesterday and put us both into a book, Conny Fearing and me, which would you like best?”
“I would try and make you like each other, though I do not know exactly how I should go about it.”
“That is not an answer. It is of no use to be clever with me, as I have often told you. Would you like me better than Conny Fearing? Yes—or no! Come, I am waiting! How slow you are.”
“Which do you want me to say? I could do either—in a book, so that it can make no difference.”
“Oh—if it would make no difference, I do not care to know. You need not answer me.”
“All the better for me,” said George with a laugh. “Good-bye—I am going to work. Think of some easier question.”
George went away, wondering how it was all going to end. Mamie was certainly behaving in a very strange way. Her conduct during the visit on the previous afternoon had been that of a woman at once angry and jealous, and he himself had felt very uncomfortable. The extreme gentleness of her manner and expression while speaking with Constance had not concealed6 her real feelings from him, and he had felt something like shame at being obliged to sit quietly in his place while she wounded the woman he once loved so dearly, and of whom he still thought so often. He had done everything in his power to smooth matters, but he had not been able to do much, and his own humour had been already ruffled7 by the conversation that had gone before. He was under the impression that Constance had gone away feeling that he had been gratuitously8 disagreeable, and he was sorry for it.
Before very long, he had an opportunity of ascertaining9 267what Constance felt and thought about his doings. On the afternoon of the Sunday following the one on which she had been to the Trimms’, George had crossed to the opposite side of the river, alone, had landed near a thick clump10 of trees and was comfortably established in a shady spot on the shore with a book and a cigar. The day was hot and it was about the middle of the afternoon. Mamie and her mother had driven to the neighbouring church, for Totty was punctual in attending to her devotions, whereas George, who had gone with them in the morning, considered that he had done enough.
He was not sure to whom the land on which he found himself belonged, and he had some misgiving11 that it might be a part of the Fearing property. But he had been too lazy to pull higher up the stream when he had once crossed it, and had not cared to drop down the current as that would have increased the distance he would have had to row when he went home. He fancied that on such a warm day and at such a comparatively early hour, none of the Fearings were likely to be abroad, even if he were really in their grounds.
Under ordinary circumstances he would have been safe enough. It chanced, however, that Constance had been unusually restless all day, and it had occurred to her that if she could walk for an hour or more in her own company she would feel better. The place where George was sitting was actually in her grounds, and she, knowing it to be a pretty spot, where there was generally a breeze, had naturally turned towards it. He had not been where he was more than a quarter of an hour when she came upon him. He heard a light step upon the grass, and looking up, saw a figure all in white within five paces of him. He recognised Constance, and sprang to his feet, dropping his book and his cigar at the same moment. Constance started perceptibly, but did not draw back. George was the first to speak.
“I am afraid I am trespassing12 here,” he said quickly. “If so, pray forgive me.”
268“You are welcome,” Constance answered, recovering herself. “It is one of the prettiest places on the river,” she added a moment later, resting her hands upon the long handle of her parasol and looking out at the sunny water.
There was nothing to be done but to face an interview. She could hardly turn her back on him and walk away without exchanging a few phrases, and he, on his part, could not jump into his boat and row for his life as though he were afraid of her. Of the two she was the one best pleased by the accidental meeting. To George’s surprise she seated herself upon the grass, against the root of one of the great old trees.
“Will you not sit down again?” she asked. “I disturbed you. I am so sorry.”
“Not at all,” said George, resuming his former attitude.
“Why do you say ‘not at all’ in that way? Of course I disturbed you, and I am disturbing you now, out of false politeness, because I am on my own ground and feel that you are a guest.”
She was a little confused in trying to be too natural, and George felt the false note, and was vaguely13 sorry for her. She was much less at her ease than he, and she showed it.
“I came here out of laziness,” he said. “It was a bore to pull that heavy boat any farther up, and I did not care to lose way by going farther down. I did not feel sure whether this spot was yours or not.”
Constance said nothing for a moment, but she tapped the toe of her shoe rather impatiently with her parasol.
“You would not have landed here if you had thought that there was a possibility of meeting me, would you?”
The question was rather an embarrassing one and was put with great directness. It seemed to George that the air was full of such questions just now. He considered that his answer might entail14 serious consequences and he hesitated several seconds before speaking.
“It seems to me,” he answered at last, “that although 269I have but little reason to seek a meeting with you, I have none whatever for avoiding one.”
“I hope not, indeed,” said Constance, in a low voice. “I hope you will never try to avoid me.”
“I have never done so.”
“I think you have,” said the young girl, not looking at him. “I think you have been unkind in never taking the trouble to come and see us during all these months. Why have you never crossed the river?”
“Did you expect that after what has passed between us I should continue to make regular visits?” George spoke3 earnestly, without raising or lowering his tone, and waited for an answer. It came with some hesitation15.
“I thought that—after a time, perhaps, you would come now and then. I hoped so. I cannot see why you should not, I am sure. Are we enemies, you and I? Are we never to be friends again?”
“Friendship is a relation I do not understand,” George answered. “I think I said as much the other day when you mentioned the subject.”
“Yes. Somebody interrupted the conversation. I think,” said Constance, blushing a little, “that it was your cousin. I wanted to say several things to you then, but it was impossible before all those people. Since we have met by accident, will you listen to me? If you would rather not, please say so and I will go away. But please do not say anything unkind. I cannot bear it and I am very unhappy.”
There was something simple and pathetic in her appeal to his forbearance, which moved him a little.
“I will do whatever you wish,” he said, in a tone that reminded her of other days. He folded his hands upon one knee and prepared to listen, looking out at the broad river.
“Thank you. I have longed for a chance of saying it to you, ever since we last met in New York. It has always seemed very easy to say until now. Yes. It is 270about friendship. Last Sunday I was trying to speak of it, and you were very unkind. You laughed at me.”
“I am sincerely sorry, if I did. I did not know that you were in earnest.”
“I was, and I am, very much in earnest. It is the only thing that can make my life worth living.”
“Friendship?” asked George quietly. He meant to keep his word and say nothing that could hurt her.
“Your friendship,” she answered. “Because I once made a great mistake, is there to be no forgiveness? Is it impossible that we should ever be good friends, see each other often and talk together as we did in the old days? Are you always to meet me with a stony16 face and hard, cruel words? Was my sin so great as that?”
“You have not committed any sin. You should not use such words.”
“Oh, do not find fault with the way I say it—it is so hard to say it at all! Try and understand me.”
“I do understand you, I think, but what you propose does not look possible to me. There has been that between us which makes it very hard to try such experiments. Do you not think so?”
“It may seem hard, but it is not impossible, if you will only try to think more kindly17 of me. Do you know what my mistake was—where I was most wrong? It was in not telling you—what I did—a year sooner. Let us be honest. Break through this veil there is between us, if it is only for to-day. What is formality to you or me? You loved me once—I could not love you. Is that a reason why you should treat me like a stranger when we meet, or why I should pick and choose my words with you, as though I feared you instead of—of being very fond of you? Think it all over, even if it pains you a little. You would have done anything for my sake once. If I had told you a year earlier—as I ought to have told you—that I could never love you enough to marry you, would you then have been so angry and have gone away from me as you did?”
271“No. I would not,” said George. “But there was that difference——”
“Wait. Let me finish what I was going to say. It was not what I did, it was that I did it far too late. You would not have given up coming to see me, if it had all happened a year earlier. My fault lay in putting it off too long. It was very wrong. I have been very sorry for it. There is nothing I would not do for you—I am just what I always was in my feelings towards you—and more. Can I humiliate18 myself more than I have done before you? I do not think there are many women who would have done what I have done, what I am doing now. Can I be more humble19 still? Shall I confess it all again?”
“You have done all that a woman could or should,” George said, and there was no bitterness in his voice. It seemed to him that the old Constance he had loved was slowly entering into the person of the young girl before him, whom he had of late treated as a stranger and who had been so really and truly one in his sight.
“And yet, will you not forgive?” she asked in a low and supplicating20 tone.
He gazed at the river and did not speak. He was not conscious that she was watching his face intently. She saw no bitterness nor hardness there, however, but only an expression of perplexity. The word forgiveness did not convey to him half what it meant to her. She attached a meaning to it, which escaped him. She was morbid21 and had taken an unreal view of all that had happened between them. His mind was strong, natural and healthy, and he could not easily understand why she should lend such importance to what he now considered a mere22 phrase, no matter how he had regarded it in the heat and anger of his memorable23 interview with her.
“Miss Fearing—” he began. He hardly knew why he called her by name, unless it was that he was about to make a categorical statement. So soon as the syllables24 had escaped his lips, however, he repented25 of having 272pronounced them. He saw a shade of pain pass over her face, and at the same time it seemed a childish way of indicating the distance by which they were now separated. It reminded him of George the Third’s “Mr. Washington.”
“Constance,” he said after another moment’s hesitation, “we do not speak in the same language. You ask me for my forgiveness. What am I to forgive? If there is anything to be forgiven, I forgive most freely. I was very angry, and therefore very foolish on that day when I said I would not forgive you. I am not angry now. What I feel is very different. I bear you no malice26, I wish you no evil.”
Constance was silent and looked away. She did not understand him, though she felt that he was not speaking unkindly. What he offered her was not what she wanted.
“Since we have come to these explanations,” George continued after a pause, “I will try and tell you what it is that I feel. I called you Miss Fearing just now. Do you know why? Because it seems more natural. You are not the same person you once were, and when I call you Constance, I fancy I am calling some one else by the name of your old self, of the Constance I loved, and who loved me—a little.”
“It is not I who have changed,” said the young girl, looking down. “I am Constance still, and you are my best and dearest friend, though you be ever so unkind.”
“A change there is, and a great one. I daresay it is in me. I was never your friend, as you understand the word, and you were mistaken in thinking that I was. I loved you. That is not friendship.”
“And now, since I am another person—not the one you loved—can you not be my friend as well as—as you are of others? Why does it seem so impossible?”
“It is too painful to be thought of,” said George in a low voice. “You are too like the other, and yet too different.”
273Constance sighed and twisted a blade of grass round her slender white finger. She wished she knew how to do away with the difference he felt so keenly.
“Do you never miss me?” she asked after a long silence.
“I miss the woman I loved,” George answered. “Is it any satisfaction to you to know it?”
“Yes, for I am she.”
There was another pause, during which George glanced at her face from time to time. It had changed, he thought. It was thinner and whiter than of old and there were shadows beneath the eyes and modellings—not yet lines—of sadness about the sensitive mouth. He wondered whether she had suffered, and why. She had never loved him. Could it be true that she missed his companionship, his conversation, his friendship, as she called it? If not, why should her face be altered? And yet it was strange, too. He could not understand how separation could be painful where there was no love. Nevertheless he was sorry that she should have suffered, now that his anger was gone.
“I am glad you loved me,” she said at last.
“And I am very sorry.”
“You should not say that. If you had not loved me—more than I knew—you would not have written, you would not be what you are. Can you not think of it in that way, sometimes?”
“What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” said George bitterly.
“You have not lost your soul,” answered Constance, whose religious sensibilities were a little shocked, at once by the strength of the words as by the fact of their being quoted from the Bible. “You have no right to say that. You will some day find a woman who will love you as you deserve——”
“And whom I shall not love.”
“Whom you will love as well as you once loved me. You will be happy, then. I hope it may happen soon.”
274“Do you?” asked George, turning upon her quickly.
“For your sake I hope so, with all my heart.”
“And for yours?”
“I hope I should like her very much,” said Constance with a forced laugh, and looking away from him.
“I am afraid you will not,” George answered, almost unconsciously. The words fell from his lips as a reply to her strained laughter which told too plainly her real thoughts.
“You should not ask such questions,” she said, a moment later. “Do you find it hard to talk to me?” she asked, suddenly turning the conversation.
“I think it would be hard for you and me to talk about these things for long.”
“We need not—if we meet. It is better that we should have said what we had to say, and we need never say it again. And we shall meet more often, now, shall we not?”
“Does it give you pleasure to see me?” There was a touch of hardness in the tone.
Constance looked down and the colour came into her thin face. Her voice trembled a little when she spoke.
“Are you going to be unkind to me again? Or do you really wish to know?”
“I am in earnest. Does it give you pleasure to see me?”
“After all I have said—oh, George, this has been the happiest hour I have spent since the first of May.”
“Are you heartless or are you not?” asked George almost fiercely. “Do you love me that you should care to see me? Or does it amuse you to give me pain? What are you, yourself, the real woman that I can never understand?”
Constance was frightened by the sudden outbreak of passion, and turned pale.
“What are you saying? What do you mean?” she asked in an uncertain voice.
“What I say? What I mean? Do you think it is 275pleasure to me to talk as we have been talking? Do you suppose that my love for you was a mere name, an idea, a thing without reality, to be discussed and dissected27 and examined and turned inside out? Do you fancy that in three months I have forgotten, or ceased to care, or learned to talk of you as though you were a person in a book? What do you think I am made of?”
Constance hid her face in her hands and a long silence followed. She was not crying, but she looked as though she were trying to collect her thoughts, and at the same time to shut out some disagreeable sight. At last she looked up and saw that his lean, dark face was full of sadness. She knew him well and knew how much he must feel before his features betrayed what was passing in his mind.
“Forgive me, George,” she said in a beseeching28 tone. “I did not know that you loved—that you cared for me still.”
“It is nothing,” he answered bitterly. “It will pass.”
Poor Constance felt that she had lost in a moment what she had gained with so much difficulty, the renewal29 of something like unconstrained intercourse30. She rose slowly from the place where she had been sitting, two or three paces away from him. He did not rise, for he was still too much under the influence of the emotion to heed31 what she did. She came and stood before him and looked down into his face.
“George,” she said slowly and earnestly, “I am a very unhappy woman—more unhappy than you can guess. You are dearer to me than anything on earth, and yet I am always hurting you and wounding you. This life is killing32 me. Tell me what you would have me do and say, and I will do it and say it—anything—do you understand—anything rather than be parted from you as I have been during these last months.”
She meant every word she said, and in that moment, if George had asked her to be his wife she would have consented gladly. But he did not understand that she 276meant as much as that. He seemed to hesitate a moment and then rose quickly to his feet and stood beside her.
“You must not talk like that,” he said. “I owe you much, Constance, very much, though you have made me very unhappy. I do not understand you. I do not know why you should care to see me. But I will come to you as often as you please if only you will not talk to me about what is past. Let us try and speak of ordinary things, of everyday matters. I am ashamed to seem to be making conditions, and I do not know what it all means, because, as I have said, I cannot understand you, and I never shall. Will you have me on those terms?”
He held out his hand as he spoke the last words, and there was a kindly smile on his face.
“Come when you will and as you will—only come!” said Constance, her face lighting33 up with gladness. She, at least, was satisfied, and saw a prospect34 of happiness in the future. “Come here sometimes, in the afternoon, it will be like——”
She was going to say that it would be like the old time when they used to meet in the Park.
“It will be like a sort of picnic, you know,” were the words that fell from her lips. But the blush on her face told plainly enough that she had meant to say something else.
“Yes,” said George with a grim smile, “it will be like a sort of picnic. Good-bye.”
“Good-bye—when will you come?” Constance could not help letting her hand linger in his as long as he would hold it.
“Next Sunday,” George answered quickly. He reflected that it would not be easy to escape Mamie on any other day.
A moment later he was in his boat, pulling away into the midstream. Constance stood on the shore watching him and wishing with all her heart that she were sitting in the stern of the neat craft, wishing more than all that he might desire her presence there. But he did not. 277He knew very well that he could have stayed another hour or two in her company if he had chosen to do so, but he had been glad to escape, and he knew it. The meeting had been painful to him in many ways, and it had made him dissatisfied and disappointed with himself. It had shown him what he had not known, that he loved the old Constance as dearly as ever, though he could not always recognise her in the strange girl who did not love him but who assured him that her separation from him was killing her. He had hoped and almost believed that he should never again feel an emotion in her presence, and yet he had felt many during that afternoon. Nor did he anticipate with any pleasure a renewal of the situation on the following Sunday, though he was quite sure that he had no means of avoiding it. If he had thought that Constance was merely making a heartless attempt to renew the old relations, he would have given her a sharp and decisive refusal. But she was undoubtedly35 in earnest and she was evidently suffering. She had gone to the length of reminding him that he owed the beginning of his literary career to her influence. It was true, and he would not be ungrateful. Courtesy and honour alike forbade ingratitude36, and he only hoped that he might become accustomed to the pain of such meetings.
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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demure
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| adj.严肃的；端庄的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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gratuitously
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| 平白 | |
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ascertaining
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的现在分词 ) | |
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clump
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| n.树丛，草丛；vi.用沉重的脚步行走 | |
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misgiving
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕 | |
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trespassing
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| [法]非法入侵 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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entail
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| vt.使承担，使成为必要，需要 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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stony
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| adj.石头的，多石头的，冷酷的，无情的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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humiliate
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| v.使羞辱，使丢脸[同]disgrace | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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supplicating
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| v.祈求，哀求，恳求( supplicate的现在分词 ) | |
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morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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mere
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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syllables
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repented
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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dissected
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| adj.切开的，分割的，（叶子）多裂的v.解剖（动物等）( dissect的过去式和过去分词 )；仔细分析或研究 | |
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beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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intercourse
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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33
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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34
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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35
undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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36
ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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