I received a reply to my application to Mrs. Wright, stating that my reference proved satisfactory, and that she would be glad if I would come as soon as I could. As far as I can remember I was glad again to be near the sea. It was not exactly what I wanted; I was restless and dissatisfied. I had decided4 to seek a situation with some lady who travelled, as I would have liked to go back to Scotland again. But, still this would be something to do. On arriving at Mrs. Wright's I found one of my shipmates as housemaid. It was a large house, in pleasant, well-kept grounds. I was taken to my room, on the second floor. It was large and comfortable, with such a nice view from the window. I was, at any rate, pleasantly housed.
Could I but live that time over again! Could I but close my mind to all, all that has happened since! Did I say happened? All that has taken place has been of my own doing. I felt very happy, for, as I now review my past, I know that I took the first step in the narrow path when I left the Olives! Delusion5 really came into my life, and I was wise only after the event. I am alone now with my ruined life and my lost happiness. The wearisome years creep by so slowly.
I used to travel to Adelaide to attend Mr. Lyall's church every second Sunday. I do not know why I did not give the name of my first employer, of No. 10, Rundle-street. I think it was in my mind then not to mention any names in such reminiscences as that I wrote of mine. However, my first employer's name was Mr. T. Ballantyne. He died long ago, but his brothers are still in the land of the living I am happy to say. One of the Mr. Ballantyne's used to come to the same church in Flinders-street, with his wife and family. They were always friendly to me, and show friendship even now, after all these years. When I first made acquaintance with Mr. W. Ballantyne he was in his brother's shop at 38, Rundle-street, where Mr. Birks is now. He used to come to No. 10 sometimes. His was a merry face, with an almost perpetual smile. I used to like to see him come in. So when I met him at the church he always wished to know how I was, and whether I was comfortable. So one Sunday, when I came from the Bay, he asked me if I would not like to come and live in Adelaide again. He said that where he lived they wanted some one at the shop to get meals for the young people who worked there. I told him that when I left Mrs. Wright's I would see him, but I had no thoughts of leaving them. He must have made a mistake, for I received a letter from Messrs. Robin6 & Birks, asking me to come to them, as they understood that I was leaving Mrs.[Pg 88] Wright's. I could not understand, so I called and saw Mr. Robin.
How sweet is the memory of the innocent evenings I used to spend at Glenelg. I told Mr. Robin that Mr. Ballantyne had not understood me correctly, for I did not want to leave Mrs. Wright's. Mr. Ballantyne then came on the scene and talked to me, and I promised to go to 38, Rundle-street. When I got back to Glenelg I repented7 of what I had done, and sent a letter to say that I thought I could not take such a responsible position. Meanwhile they had made their own arrangements and they sent me a letter, in which they indicated that if I did not keep my agreement there would be trouble. A strange thought came in my mind. I told Mrs. Wright that if she would keep the place for me that I would go to Rundle-street and stop for a week or so till they could get someone else. I was so afraid of anything in the way of law that I was easily terrified. I only took a few things with me and reached the place at night. There was a small yard at the back of the premises8. I found my way to the door, and as I put my hand on the knob an immense dog thrust his cold nose against my fingers. I gave a scream, which brought out the person whom I was to succeed. She was waiting for me to arrive. Then I laughed. Ah, me! could I but have seen my future at that juncture9!
It was quite early in the evening. The dear woman stopped with me all night and enlightened me on all the subjects of interest. She wished to constitute herself my guide and friend, and remarked that I was so young for such a position. I learned to like the dear, kind soul, and to go and see her. The next morning began the eventful day. Even at this moment, when I look back, there rises before my mind a picture of that period. There were only a few at breakfast, and that was soon over. Mr. Ballantyne called to see if I had come. He told me I could have a room over the shop, which looked into Rundle-street, and that anything that I wanted would be attended to if I mentioned it to him. There were 28 or 30 persons for dinner and tea, and some of the men in charge slept on the premises. I had their rooms to see to, so there was a lot of work, but I was strong, and I had the evenings, while I had more wages than I had with Mrs. Wright. I was old-fashioned enough to see to that; so I became quite reconciled. There seemed a happiness about the place which soothed10 me. I saw Mrs. Wright, and had the rest of my things sent to 38, Rundle-street, and for a time, at least, I was happy.
The shop kept open then till 10 o'clock on Saturday night, when all had supper. On Sunday sometimes there was no one there. So I had every Sunday. Thus week by week, and month by month, I grew into a kind of home life amongst the people. My thoughts of going back to Scotland had passed away. There was[Pg 89] no lack of kindness on the part of the firm or any of the partners. I remember there was a gas stove sent out to the old exhibition, to be exhibited. It was the first one to come in South Australia. Mr. Birks bought it and had it fixed11 up for me at 38. It was splendid and such a help.
And the good, old dog that made me start the first night I came there would stretch his grand old self by the door. I felt content when he was there. I often took him with me when I went out. His name was Lion and he always seemed so pleased with the part he played. Such drollery12 was caused by this dog's sport. He would upset somebody by colliding with them. Perhaps a complaint would be made, and then you would hear his owner say that he would give Lion a talking to. That made everyone laugh. I never knew him to bite, but he was such a size. Sitting as I do now, so lonely and miserable13, how I wish Lion was at the door; I would not feel the darkness so much.
Music and singing have always been a pleasure to me. It interested me at favorable times when the young gentlemen who lived on the premises gave a musical evening, with dancing as well. How I enjoyed myself. Life was life to me then. There was a large room over the shop, and as in many other business places the owners of the shops lived on the premises. I was experienced enough to do a little catering14 for them, and, needless to add, they set value on my efforts. I talk of the dear old times yet when I see some of them.
We often get fond of people with whom we associate even temporarily in this way. This happens in the everyday life, and some will influence us, although we know not how. We cannot help thinking of them just a little. So many different feelings one has to struggle against, one gets attracted to a person sometime through gratitude15, or it might be either joy or grief felt in common. But if passion comes it leads to captivity16, and we cannot get out, even if we try.
In all that I have written so far there has not been one line about love. I do not like to touch on my lost daydreams17. I had a suitor in Scotland, but did not take his attentions seriously, for while, intellectually, he was above me, being such a splendid scholar, love did not enter into my views at that time. But he used to come and give me lessons in writing and I accepted him. But when it was resolved that I should come to South Australia duty seemed to hold out strongly the resolution that I must give my lover up. He implored18 me not to do so, and wanted me not to come. He was manly19 and sincere enough in his love. I told him my intention to come, and that he must wait seven years for me, or come to South Australia after I had done what I wanted for my relatives. And I gave my promise that I would be true. I wrote to him all the time, and he also wrote to me till the year 1870. I had no letters and felt forlorn. At this time I came[Pg 90] in kindly20 touch with John Allen at 38, Rundle-street. As we grew more friendly John Allen confided21 to me his past and the lonely history of his life. He helped to redeem22 the greyness of my life. I could not tell when it dawned upon me, but, like other women, I was capable of loving, and the knowledge came. It was pleasant to think I would share the ups and downs of life's struggles with the man I loved, and who had aroused this feeling and won my heart. It was the old, old story, and I managed to convince him that I was not the least afraid of poverty. I told him of my engagement and how it was ended. My heart had longed for practical sympathy, and it was some happiness to think that John Allen and myself had much in common. So far, I had not questioned my wisdom in thus allowing myself to be carried away by my feelings, even although he was a few years younger than I was. The thought came that, perhaps, I had been rather hasty as matters stood, but when John Allen went and brought his mother's Bible to show me that his father and mother were relatively23 of the same age as we were, wisely or unwisely, I pledged myself to John Allen. Their names and ages were written in the Bible.
Of course, I loved him. I have always loved him, and from that time to this my mind has been filled with one individual—John Allen. It was natural; we were in the same house of business. I did not try to get out his way and he unmistakably did everything he could to get into my way. We were together morning, noon, and night for more than two years. So I resolved to cast in my lot with the man I loved. I looked to him. I did not consider it necessary to consult my people. They had all done the same, and did not hesitate or think of me. John Allen had no relations with whom he was on friendly terms in South Australia. He seemed then as if he thought only of me. I was very happy in a sense. There was a rest, and yet an unrest. I knew that he had told me he would like to go to England.
You may picture my astonishment24 when John Allen came to me one day with a letter in his hand that had been at the bottom of the sea for two years. My name and address were only just legible, and the edges were open like a book. It was from my friend in Scotland, telling me that my seven years were up and that he wanted this point settled. I will not pretend that I did not suffer. It seemed a destiny. I wrote to him that it was useless to think of me, for I knew that my marriage with him would be loveless. I told him I was wiser now. The man I loved was perfect in my eyes. I had met other men, who had pleased my fancy, but John Allen had a charm of manner that won my heart. What I regretted most was to break my promise—a promise so marked and solemn, given far away in Scotland, while sitting on the side of heather hill. If I had been a designing woman I could have accepted for my husband the second mate of the [Pg 91]Morning Star, who waited till the two years I had contracted to stop in South Australia were over. Then, what was so real on the ship, seemed only a dream, when he wrote and asked me if I would marry him and go back to England if he came for me. I knew then that I had my dream of honorable love and marriage. It was not to be. Upon what trifles events turn. If I had not gone to 38 everything would have been different.
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1
vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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2
advertising
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| n.广告业；广告活动 a.广告的；广告业务的 | |
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3
housekeeper
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| n.管理家务的主妇，女管家 | |
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4
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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6
robin
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| n.知更鸟，红襟鸟 | |
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7
repented
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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8
premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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9
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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10
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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11
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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12
drollery
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| n.开玩笑，说笑话；滑稽可笑的图画（或故事、小戏等） | |
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13
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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14
catering
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| n. 给养 | |
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15
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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16
captivity
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| n.囚禁；被俘；束缚 | |
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17
daydreams
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| n.白日梦( daydream的名词复数 )v.想入非非，空想( daydream的第三人称单数 ) | |
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18
implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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20
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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21
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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22
redeem
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| v.买回，赎回，挽回，恢复，履行（诺言等） | |
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23
relatively
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| adv.比较...地，相对地 | |
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24
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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