"I will go with you," he said. "And if you will, you shall give me a few minutes of your time before going home. I have some new books to show you."
They went out together; but, until they reached the other house and entered the library, very little was said. The catastrophe1 of the broken teacup, or something of greater moment, seemed to occupy the professor's thoughts. By the time they took their accustomed chairs he appeared to have forgotten the new books. His thoughtful face wore so sadly perplexed2 a look that he even seemed older than usual.
Tredennis awaited his first words in silence. His quiet fondness for him had become a very warm and tender feeling during the past months. It had been his pleasure to try to be of use to him. He had studied his needs, and endeavored to supply them; he had managed to share hours with him which might otherwise have been lonely; he had brought to him the stir of the outside working world when he seemed to require its stimulant3; he had placed his own vigor4 and endurance at his disposal without seeming to do so, and his efforts at making his rather lonely life a brighter and more attractive thing had not been in vain. It was to him the professor turned in his moments of fatigue5 and necessity, and it was to him he turned now.
"I am going to do a curious thing," he said.—"I am going to do a curious thing; but I think it is the best thing and the simplest."
"The simplest thing is always the best," said [Pg 81]Tredennis, more because there was a pause than because he felt an answer was needed.
"Yes, yes," said the professor, seriously. "I think so. And it is easier to be simple with you, my boy, than with another man. It is your way to be direct and serious. You always had the habit. It never was your way to trifle. It is rather the fashion to trifle nowadays, you know, but you,—I have always liked it in you that you were not a trifler."
"No," answered Tredennis; "I have not trifled much. It may have been against me. Sometimes I have thought it was. I cannot count it among my merits, at any rate. I am a grim fellow by nature."
"No," said the professor. "Not a grim fellow. A silent fellow, and rather unyielding with yourself, but"—
He stopped, and looked up at him with a simple affection which made the young man's heart beat as a woman's glance might have done.
"I think you know I love you," he said. "I have begun to depend on you and count you among my luxuries. I am an old man, and my luxuries are worth a great deal to me. No kindly6, thoughtful act of yours has been unregarded, and I have liked your fancy for me almost as a girl likes the attentions of her first lover. Sometimes it has pleased me to be half sentimental7 over them, and half sentimental over you."
Tredennis flushed with pleasure and warm feeling. He rose impulsively8 and crossed the hearth9.
"I never say things well," he said, "but I should like to try to put into words something of what I feel. You once said you wished I was your son, and I have been glad to remember it. I have no ties. Let your wish be a sort of tie between us. It is a tie I should be proud of, and glad to honor and make an object in my life. Give me what affection you can. I wish for it and need it. If I had been your son you would have counted on me; give me the pleasure and comfort of knowing you[Pg 82] count on me now. It has somehow seemed my lot to have no place in the lives of others. Give me this, if I am worth it. I shall be better for it, and happier."
The professor gave him a quiet, half-wistful glance.
"I gave it to you long ago," he said, at length. "The wish has been a tie between us from the first."
And he said it even with a touch of solemnity.
"If it had not been," he added, afterward10, "I should not have come to you with my trouble to-night,—feeling so sure that you would understand it."
He made a gesture with his hand.
"Go and walk up and down the room there, as I am used to seeing you," he said. "And I will tell you about it."
Tredennis did as he bade him,—went to the other side of the room and began his measured march.
"We talked of Bertha in this very room years ago," he began. "It seems to be our lot to talk of Bertha. I am going to speak of her again."
Tredennis continued his measured tramp without speaking.
The professor rested his forehead upon his hand and sat so, looking downward. He went on in a quiet voice, and with a quiet, absorbed manner,—the manner of a man who, having the habit of close and careful study, was giving his whole attention simply and carefully to his subject.
"I shall have to go back to that night and repeat something I said then," he went on. "It was that her only hope for happiness would lie in her marriage with a man she loved deeply."
"I remember it," Tredennis answered.
"And I added that the chances were that, instead, she would marry the man who loved her."
"I remember that too."
The professor sighed heavily and wearily.
"The chances were too many," he said. "She married the man who loved her."
[Pg 83]
Tredennis had marched one length of the room before he continued:—
"He did love her," the professor said, after his pause, "tempestuously—overwhelmingly. Overwhelmingly is a good word to use. He overwhelmed her in the end. At first she liked him; but when the nature of his feeling for her began to express itself, it is my impression that she felt a secret fear of and dislike to it. She tried to avoid him, but he absolutely refused to allow it. He followed her, and was picturesquely12 wretched before her eyes. There is no denying he was picturesque11. That was his strong point. He was picturesque and pathetic—and poetic13. She was only a girl, and she was tremendously at a disadvantage before him. When she treated him badly he bore it with tender patience, and he devoted14 himself to her with a faithfulness which might have touched a heart harder and more experienced than hers was, poor child! Of course his picturesque unhappiness and his poetic magnanimity told; I knew they would, and they did. Reaction set in, and she began to feel the fascination15 of making him happy."
He stopped, and suddenly lifted his head.
"My boy," he said, "one of the most damnable things in life is a fascination like that in the mind of a generous, ignorant creature!"
He dropped his head again.
"That is strong language," he said, "and I don't often use strong language. I—don't consider it gentlemanly, but I felt strongly at the moment, and the word is expressive16. Well, the time came when, in a moment when her mood being softer and more sympathetic than usual, and she herself, as a consequence, at a greater disadvantage than ever,—she committed herself; and then it was all over. The trouble is, that the experience of a woman of forty is what a girl needs when she chooses her husband at twenty, and, as the two things are incompatible17, the chances are always against her. Bertha had the faults and follies18 that I told you go to make a[Pg 84] martyr19. When she had made her mistake, she was strong and weak enough to abide20 by it. It is mostly imagination in matters of this kind; it was imagination in hers. She was young enough to believe in everything. She believed that if she broke her engagement she would break Amory's heart and ruin his life for him. There was no danger of either catastrophe, but they were realities to her, and they terrified her. Then she had never been touched by any deeper feeling than the anxious tenderness he awakened21 in her. She had not been given to sentiments, and, I am afraid, had regarded them rather contemptuously in others. She had no conception of a feeling stronger than herself, and held curiously22 obstinate23 and lofty views of the conduct of women who did not hold their emotions neatly24 in check. Her girlish bigotry25 was touching26 to me sometimes, because it was so thorough, and revealed such ignorance. I wish—I wish I could hear something of it now!"
Tredennis had reached the end of the room. He turned sharply, but recovered himself and said nothing.
"Lately," the professor added slowly, "she has been more silent on such subjects than she used to be."
He lifted his head from his hand and looked at Tredennis again.
"Philip," he said, "I—I wish to heaven chance had sent you to us that year."
Tredennis stopped in his walk, a dark and rigid27 figure in the shadow.
"Had sent me?" he said, in a strained voice. "Me! What—could I have done?"
"I—I don't know," answered the professor; "but I solemnly believe, my boy, that if you had come, you would have averted28 an evil."
"Then," said Tredennis, "I wish to God I had!"
"I say it," said the professor, "with all the more certainty, remembering, as I do, one day when she wished for you herself."
"She!" said Tredennis. "Bertha? Bertha?"
[Pg 85]
"Yes, Bertha herself. It was a few weeks before her marriage, and she had not been exactly herself for a week or more. One evening I came into the parlor29 and found the room full of the odor of flowers. Amory had been with her and had left her a bouquet30 of heliotrope31. She had some on her knee as she sat on a low seat before the fire. When I seated myself near her, she looked up at me suddenly and said, in a rather unsteady voice, 'Papa, I have been thinking about Philip Tredennis. I have not thought of him for a long time. I should like to see him. I—wish he could come back.' She half laughed at herself as she said it, but her laugh was nervous, and when I said to her, 'Why? Were you great friends? I did not know that,' she tried to laugh again, and answered, 'Yes—no—not exactly. But it seems to me that he was a strong sort of person, and sensible, and—and you might rely on his decisions. It is only a fancy, I suppose—but it just came into my mind that I should like to see him again.' There is no doubt, in my mind, that she felt a need of your obstinate strength, which she did not comprehend wholly herself. I wish you had come—I wish from my soul you had!"
"I might have come if I had known," said Tredennis, in a low tone. "There was nothing—nothing to have stood in my way." And he turned and began his walk again.
The professor sighed, as he had sighed before—heavily and drearily32.
"But you did not," he said. "And she married Amory."
"I should like to know," asked Tredennis, "if you think she is unhappy now. Do not tell me if you do not wish."
The professor's reply was very simple and direct.
"She has never been given to taking sentimental views of herself," he said, "and she is self-controlled and fond of her children, but she has never been happy for[Pg 86] an hour since her marriage. I think the first year was very bitter to her. Amory has always been very fond of her; he is fond of her now, but her illusions concerning his passion for her soon died. She found out in two months that he would not have perished if she had discarded him. She had been his one object at first, but she was only one of a dozen others after they were married. He was amiable33 and delightful34, but he was not always considerate. The picturesqueness35 of his attitude toward her was lost. He did not require her care and sympathy, and the sacrifices she made for him were very simple and natural matters in his eyes.
"In the beginning she was, perhaps, bewildered and desperate; but, girl as she was, she was too proud and just not to see that her youth and ignorance had led her into a folly36, and that the result was its natural punishment. Once she said to me, 'The worse punishments in life are the punishments for ignorance—the worst, the worst!' And I knew what she meant, though she said no more. When her first child was born, she went down to the door of death, and her physicians said there seemed to be a lack of effort. And yet, I tell you she might have been the happiest young mother in the world. When she has been near happiness at all it has been in her quiet moments with her children. If it had not been for her children she might have been a harder and more heartless creature than she can ever be now. If she had been something less and slighter than fate made her she might have been either a dull nurse and housekeeper37 or a vapid38 woman of society; in either case she would have been happier than she is to-day. What a long story it is, and I did not think it would be so long when I began."
"I want to hear it all," broke in Tredennis,—"every word. I have not understood the changes I saw in her I want to understand."
"That brings me to the point of it all," was the reply. "If she had been a laborer's wife she might[Pg 87] have been too hard-worked to be restless; but she has had leisure, and social duties, and she has set herself deliberately39 the desperate task of making them her pleasures. She has found an exhilaration in them which has given her no time for regrets. She is a woman, young, attractive, and spirited. She was too full of spirit to permit herself to be subdued40 by her disappointment. As she cannot retrieve41 her mistake, she will make the best of it. She has reasoned herself into a belief that she is satisfied with what fortune has given her, and so long as that belief remains42 unshaken, she will be as happy as nine women out of ten are. Women are not happy, as a rule, Philip; they are not happy. I have learned that."
"But so long as her belief remains unshaken"—said Tredennis.
The professor interrupted him, gravely, sadly.
"That is the point," he said. "My fear is that it is shaken now."
Tredennis stopped in the middle of the room—stood quite still.
"She has had friends and admirers," said the professor, "scores of them. Perhaps all the more because she has cared less for them than they for her. She has a pretty trick of making the best of people, and it wins the public heart. She has friends, acquaintances, and even harmless devotees; but among them all there is only one man who gauges43 her, and that man is the one who very naturally presents himself to your mind as a fair dandy, with a ready tongue and good manners."
"Arbuthnot!" exclaimed Tredennis. "Arbuthnot!"
The professor smiled faintly.
"What," he said, "you recognize him at once! Well, my one vanity is my pride in my private knowledge of the thought of others. I am very proud of it, in a senile way. I have been studying and classifying all my life, and now I sit and look on, and treat human beings as I have treated insects. If it had not been so,[Pg 88] I should not have known so much of Bertha. Yes, Arbuthnot. Among all the men she knows and has known—diplomates, literati, politicians, honest men—I have found only one to disturb me, and that one Laurence Arbuthnot."
Tredennis stood still, looking down at the floor, with folded arms.
"I"—he began, "I have thought"—
The professor started.
"What!" he exclaimed. "You have thought? If you have thought—it must be plainer than I feared."
"No," said Tredennis, hurriedly. "Do not let that trouble you. What I have thought is so trivial and vague that it should not weigh at all. It has only been because I remembered her girlhood, and—and I thought her changed—and did not understand."
"Ah!" said the professor, letting his face fall upon both his hands. "That is not his trouble; he understands, and that is his strength. He has had his evil hour, that composed, well-dressed fellow, and he did not come out of it without scars. He covers them well, with his light overcoat and the rose in his buttonhole, but they are there, and they have made him wise. He has been silent, but he has looked on too,—as I have,—and he has seen what others were blind to. She has never suspected him, but his knowledge has given him power. When her mauvais quart d'heure has come upon her he has known what to say and what to avoid saying, and while she has not comprehended his motives44 she has been grateful to him. She has liked his songs and his readiness, and his unsentimental air, and she has unconsciously learned to rely on him. Her first sincere liking45 for him arose from her discovery of his inconsistent and incongruous knack46 with the children. She had thought of him as a rather clever, selfish, well-mannered creature, and once in a juvenile47 crisis he surprised her by developing natural gifts—somewhat cold-blooded, but still amazingly effective.[Pg 89] The children began to be fond of him, and his path was smoothed. She began to be fond of him herself, genuinely and simply, and if it had ended there she would have been safer than before. But it did not end there, I suppose. The cup and saucer were not broken too soon this evening,—they were not broken soon enough."
"It was not an accident?" exclaimed Tredennis.
"No, it was not an accident. I have heard his 'Serenade' before. There is the danger. He means no harm; but his 'Serenade' and the moments when what is past gets the better of him, and the little touches of passion his overcoat won't always cover, and the bits of sincerity48 he struggles against and she ponders over, are good for neither him nor her. I have heard his 'Serenade' before; but to-night, when she got up and followed him as if he had called her, and—and she had only half heard his voice and yet must obey it; and when she stood there against the wall, with her pale face, and her soft eyes fixed49 on him, it was time for some common thing to happen to bring her back to life,—and the cup and saucer were offered as the sacrifice."
He said it whimsically, and yet sadly.
"Poor child!" he added. "Poor child! I dare say it was hard enough."
He paused a moment, and then rose, went to Tredennis's side, and laid his hand on his shoulder.
"There," he said,—"there is the confession50, and I can make my appeal to you with fewer words."
"Your appeal?" Tredennis repeated.
"I can ask you for your help."
"If there is any help I can give which is worth the asking and giving," said Tredennis, slowly, "you know it will be yours."
"Yes, I know it will be mine, and so I ask it easily. And what I ask is this. Let us walk slowly while we talk, and I will keep my hand on your shoulder,—I like to feel your support. What I would say is this:[Pg 90] if you had been my son, you would have watched over her and stood between her and any pain which could threaten her. You know that what I fear for her now is only the desperate, hopeless misery51 such an experience as this would be sure to bring her if it were allowed to ripen52; for her there is nothing else to fear. No, I know I need not have said that to you."
"No," answered Tredennis, "there was no need to say it."
"She does not know herself. I know her, and know what such an experience holds for her. Better that her life should be barren to the end than that she should bear what she must bear if her heart is once awakened."
"Better!" said Tredennis.
He felt the tremulous hand weigh heavily upon him.
"I am an old man," he was answered. "I have lived my life nearly to its close, and I say a thousand times better! I married a woman I did not love, and I loved a woman I could not marry."
"And you wished to ask me," said Tredennis, breaking the short silence which followed.
"I ask you to defend her against this pain. If I were a younger and stronger man, I might do for her what I ask of you; but I cannot often be with her. You are with her day after day. She likes you."
"I have fancied," Tredennis said, "that she did not like me."
"It is only fancy. She sees in you the strength she vaguely53 longed for when she was at the turning-point of her life. Let her feel that it is always near her, and that she may rely upon it now. You are fond of her children,—talk to her of them. When you see her inclined to be silent and unlike herself, bring them to her mind; when that fellow is there, manage that she shall think of them. Her tenderness for them is your stronghold and mine. To-night, why did I take her to the nursery? Because they lay asleep there, and when[Pg 91] she saw them she stopped to cover them more warmly, and touch them with her hand, and bend to kiss them, and forgot her 'Serenade.' She loves them better than she loves anything else on earth,—better than she could love anything else, perhaps. That's her woman's way. God made it so. That is the one help and safeguard He gave to women out of the whole bitter universe. Bring her back to her children at her saddest and weariest, and when the fight is hardest, and they will beat the rest back. It is Nature. You will do what I ask, I know.
"I shall be more at ease," he said next, "that I have asked this of you. When you are with her I shall feel that she is safe. I trust her in your hands."
"I will try to be worthy54 of the trust."
"It is rather a strange one to repose55 in a man of your age, but I give it to you with the rest,—it goes with the tie you wished for. It is a relief to me to share it with a strong fellow who can bear it well."
They talked a little longer, walking across the floor two or three times together, and then Tredennis went away. He was in a strange frame of mind. It was almost as if he had received a blow which had partially56 stunned57 him. When he reached the street he stood for a moment looking up at the starlit sky.
"A strong fellow," he said. "Am I such a strong fellow? And I am to stand between you and your lover,—I? That is a strange thing, Bertha—a strange thing."
And, rousing himself suddenly, he strode down the street, and the professor, who had gone to his room, heard his military tread ringing steady and measured upon the pavement and felt a vague comfort in the sound.
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1
catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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stimulant
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| n.刺激物，兴奋剂 | |
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vigor
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| n.活力，精力，元气 | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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impulsively
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| adv.冲动地 | |
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hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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picturesque
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| adj.美丽如画的，（语言）生动的，绘声绘色的 | |
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picturesquely
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poetic
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| adj.富有诗意的，有诗人气质的，善于抒情的 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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incompatible
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| adj.不相容的，不协调的，不相配的 | |
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follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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martyr
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| n.烈士，殉难者；vt.杀害，折磨，牺牲 | |
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abide
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| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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bigotry
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| n.偏见，偏执，持偏见的行为[态度]等 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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bouquet
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| n.花束，酒香 | |
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heliotrope
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| n.天芥菜；淡紫色 | |
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drearily
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| 沉寂地，厌倦地，可怕地 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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picturesqueness
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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housekeeper
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| n.管理家务的主妇，女管家 | |
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vapid
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| adj.无味的；无生气的 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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retrieve
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| vt.重新得到，收回；挽回，补救；检索 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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gauges
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| n.规格( gauge的名词复数 )；厚度；宽度；标准尺寸v.（用仪器）测量( gauge的第三人称单数 )；估计；计量；划分 | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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knack
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| n.诀窍，做事情的灵巧的，便利的方法 | |
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47
juvenile
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| n.青少年，少年读物；adj.青少年的，幼稚的 | |
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48
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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49
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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50
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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51
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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52
ripen
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| vt.使成熟；vi.成熟 | |
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53
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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54
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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55
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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56
partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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57
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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