"It is true," he said to himself when he heard of this report, "that they were not suited to me, nor I to them."
How he lived through the weeks, performing the ordinary routine of his duty, and bearing with him hour by hour, night and day, the load of grief and well-nigh intolerable anguish4 which he knew was never to be lighter5, he did not know. The days came and went. It was morning, noon, or night, and he did not feel the hours either long or short. There were nights when, his work being done, he returned to his quarters and staggered to his seat, falling upon it blind and sick with the heavy horror of the day.
"This," he would say, again and again, "this is unnatural6. To bear such torture and live through it seems scarcely human."
[Pg 533]
Sometimes he was so wrought7 upon by it physically8 that he thought he should not live through it; but he bore so much that at last he gained a hopeless faith in his own endurance. He was not alone. It was as he had told her it would be. From the hour that he looked his last upon her, it seemed that her face had never faded from before his aching eyes. He had all the past to live over again, all its bitter mysteries to read in a new light and to learn to understand.
There was time enough now for him to think it all over slowly, to recall to his mind every look and change and tone; her caprices, her coldness, the wounds she had given him, he bore them all again, and each time he came back with a pang9 more terrible to that last moment—to that last look, to her last, broken words.
"O God!" he cried, "does she bear this too?"
He knew nothing of her save what he gained at rare intervals10 from Miss Jessup's society column, which he read deliberately11 from beginning to end as each paper reached him. The friends of Mrs. Amory, Miss Jessup's first statement announced, would regret to learn that the health of that charming young wife and mother was so far from being what was to be desired, that it necessitated12 a temporary absence from those social circles of which she was so bright and graceful13 an ornament14. For a while her name was missing from the lists of those who appeared at the various entertainments, and then he began occasionally to see it again, and found a little sad comfort in the thought that she must be stronger. His kind, brown face changed greatly in these days; it grew lean and haggard and hopeless, and here and there a gray thread showed itself in his close, soldier-cropped hair. He planned out heavy work for himself, and kept close in his quarters, and those of his friends who had known him before his stay in Washington began to ask each other what had so broken Philip Tredennis.
The first time that Mrs. Amory appeared in society,[Pg 534] after her indisposition, was at the house of her friend, Mrs. Sylvestre. During her temporary seclusion15 she had seen Mrs. Sylvestre frequently. There had been few days when Agnes had not spent some hours with her. When she had been denied to every one else Agnes was admitted.
"It is only fatigue16, this," Bertha had said; "but other people tire me so! You never tire me."
She was not confined to her bed. She had changed her room, taking possession of the pretty pink and blue chamber17, and lay upon the sofa through the days, sometimes looking at the fire, often with her eyes closed.
The two conversed18 but little; frequently there was silence between them for some time; but Agnes knew that she was doing as Bertha wished when she came and sat with her.
At the end of a week Mrs. Sylvestre came in one morning and found Bertha dressed and sitting in a chair.
"I am going downstairs," she said.
"Do you think you are strong enough?" Agnes asked. She did not look so.
"I must begin to try to do something," was the indirect reply. "One must always begin. I want to lie still and not speak or move; but I must not do that. I will go downstairs, and I think I should like to see Laurence."
As she went down the staircase she moved very slowly, and Agnes saw that she clung to the balustrade for support. When she reached the parlor19 door she paused for a moment, then crossed the threshold a little hurriedly, and went to the sofa and sat down. She was tremulous, and tears had risen to her eyes from very weakness.
"I thought I was stronger," she said. But she said nothing more until, a few moments later, she began to speak of Tom and Kitty, in whom she had been much interested. It had been at her suggestion that, after divers20 fruitless efforts, the struggle to obtain Tom a[Pg 535] "place" had been abandoned, and finally there had been procured21 for him a position, likely to prove permanent, in a house of business, where principles might be of value. Tom's lungs were still a trifle delicate, but he was rapturously happy in the small home, to purchase which Mrs. Sylvestre had advanced the means, and his simple bliss22 was greatly added to by the advent23 of Kitty's baby.
So they talked of Tom and Kitty and the baby, and of Arbuthnot, and his friendship for them, and the oddities of it, and his way of making his efforts and kindness seem more than half a jest.
"No one can be kinder than Laurence," Bertha said. "No one could be a truer friend."
"I think so now," Agnes answered, quietly.
"He is not so light, after all," said Bertha. "Perhaps few of us are quite as light as we seem."
"I did him injustice24 at first," Agnes replied. "I understand him better now."
"If he should go away you would miss him a little," said Bertha. "He is a person one misses when he is absent."
"Does he"—Agnes began. "I have not heard him speak of going away."
"There is just a likelihood of it," Bertha returned. "Papa has been making an effort for him with the Secretary of State. He might be sent abroad."
"I have not heard him refer to the possibility," said Agnes. Her manner was still quiet, but she had made a slight involuntary movement, which closed the book she held.
"I do not think papa has spoken to him for some time," Bertha replied. "And when he first referred to his plan Laurence thought it out of the question, and did not appear to regard it seriously."
For a few moments Mrs. Sylvestre did not speak. Then she said:
"Certainly it would be much better for him than to remain here."
[Pg 536]
"If he should go," said Bertha, "no one will miss him as I shall. We used to be so gay together, and now"—
She did not end her sentence, and for a while neither of them spoke25 again, and she lay quite still. Agnes remained to dine with her, and in the evening Arbuthnot came in.
When he entered the bright, familiar room he found himself glancing round it, trying to understand exactly what mysterious change had come upon it. There was no change in its belongings,—the touches of color, the scattered26 trifles, the pictures and draperies wore their old-time look of having been arranged by one deft27 hand; but it did not seem to be the room he had known so long,—the room he had been so fond of, and had counted the prettiest and most inspiring place he knew.
Bertha had not left the sofa; she was talking to Agnes, who stood near her. She had a brilliant flush on her cheeks, her eyes were bright when she raised them to greet him, and her hand, as he took it, was hot and tremulous.
"Naturally," she said, "you will begin to vaunt yourself. You told me I should break down if I did not take care of myself, and I have broken down—a little. I am reduced to lying on sofas. Don't you know how I always derided28 women who lie on sofas? This is retribution; but don't meet it with too haughty29 and vainglorious30 a spirit; before Lent I shall be as gay as ever."
"I don't doubt it," he answered. "But in the meantime allow me to congratulate you on the fact that the sofa is not entirely31 unbecoming."
"Thank you," she said. "Will you sit down now and tell me—tell me what people are saying?"
"Of"—he began.
She smiled.
"Of me," she answered. "They were saying a great[Pg 537] deal of me a week ago; tell me what they say now. You must hear in going your giddy rounds."
"You are very well treated," he replied. "There is a certain great lady who is most uncomfortably commented upon. I can scarcely imagine that she enjoys it."
Her smile ended in a fatigued32 sigh.
"The tide turned very quickly," she said. "It is well for me that it did. I should not have had much mercy if I had stood alone. Ah! it was a good thing for me that you were all so brave. You might have deserted33 me, too—it would have been very simple—and then—then the gates of paradise would have been shut against me."
"That figure of speech meaning—?" suggested Arbuthnot.
"That I should have been invited to no more dinner-parties and receptions; that nobody would have come up to my Thursday Evenings; that Miss Jessup would never again have mentioned me in the Wabash Gazette."
"That would have been very bitter," he answered.
"Yes," she returned, "it would have been bitter, indeed."
"Do you know," he said next, "that I have come to-night partly for the reason that I have something to tell you?"
"I rather suspected it," she replied, "though I could scarcely explain why."
"Am I to hear it, too?" inquired Agnes.
"If you are kind enough to be interested," he answered. "It will seem a slight enough affair to the world at large, but it seems rather tremendous to me. I feel a trifle overpowered and nervous. Through the kind efforts of Professor Herrick I have been honored with the offer of a place abroad."
Bertha held out her hand.
"Minister to the Court of St. James!" she said. "How they will congratulate themselves in London!"
[Pg 538]
"They would," he replied, "if an ill-adjusted and singularly unappreciative government had not particularized a modest corner of Germany as standing34 in greater need of my special abilities." But he took her offered hand.
When he glanced at Mrs. Sylvestre—truth to say he had taken some precautions against seeing her at all as he made his announcement—he found her bestowing35 upon him one of the calmest of her soft, reflective looks.
"I used to like some of those quiet places in Germany," she said; "but you will find it a change from Washington."
"I think," he answered, "that I should like a change from Washington;" and as soon as he had spoken he detected the touch of acrid36 feeling in his words.
"I should fancy myself," she said, her soft look entirely undisturbed, "that it might be agreeable after one had been here some time."
He had always admired beyond expression that touch of half-forgetful, pensive37 calmness in her voice and eyes, but he did not enjoy it just now.
"It is a matter of temperament38, I suppose," was his thought; "but, after all, we have been friends."
Neither could it be said that he enjoyed the pretty and picturesque39 stories of German life she told afterward40. They were told so well that they brought very near the life he might expect to lead, and he was not exactly in the mood to care to stand face to face with it. But he controlled himself sufficiently41 to make an excellent audience, and never had been outwardly in better spirits than he was after the stories were told. He was cool and vivacious42; he told a story or two himself; he was in good voice when he went to the piano and sang. They were all laughing when Agnes left the room to put on her wraps to return home.
When she was gone the laugh died down with odd suddenness.
"Larry," said Bertha, "do you really want to go?"
[Pg 539]
"No," he answered, turning sharply, "I don't want to go. I loathe43 and abhor44 the thought of it."
"You want," she said, "to stay here?"
"Yes, I do," was his reply, "and that decides me."
"To go?" she asked, watching his pale, disturbed face.
"Yes, to go! There is nothing to stay here for. I need the change. I have been here long enough—too long!"
"Yes," she returned, "I think you have been here too long. You had better go away—if you think there is nothing to stay for."
"When a man has nothing to offer"—he broke off and flushed up hotly. "If I had a shadow of a right to a reason for staying," he exclaimed, "do you suppose I should not hold on to it, and fight for it, and demand what belonged to me? There might be a struggle—there would be; but no other man should have one jot45 or tittle that persistence46 and effort might win in time for me! A man who gives up is a fool! I have nothing to give up. I haven't even the right to surrender! I hadn't the right to enter the field and take my wounds like a man! It is pleasant to reflect that it is my own—fault. I trifled with my life; now I want it, and I can't get it back."
"Ah!" she said, "that is an old story!"
And then Agnes returned, and he took her home.
On their way there they talked principally of Tom and Kitty.
"They will miss you greatly," Agnes said.
"They will be very kind to do it," was his reply.
"We shall all miss you," she added.
"That will be kinder still," he answered. "Might I be permitted to quote the ancient anecdote47 of the colored warrior48, who, on running away in battle, was reproached and told that a single life counted as nothing on such great occasions, and that if he had fallen he would not have been missed,—his reply to this heroic statement[Pg 540] of the case being, that he should have been likely to miss himself. I shall miss myself, and already a gentle melancholy49 begins to steal over me. I am not the gleesome creature I was before good luck befell me."
But, despite this lightness of tone, their walk was not a very cheerful one; indeed, after this speech they were rather quiet, and they parted with few words at the door, Arbuthnot declining to go into the house.
When Agnes entered alone Mrs. Merriam looked up from her novel in some surprise.
"I thought I heard Mr. Arbuthnot," she said.
"He left me at the door," Mrs. Sylvestre answered.
"What!" said Mrs. Merriam, "without coming to say good-night to me! I wanted to tell him what a dissipated evening I have been spending with my new book."
"He has been telling us good news," said Agnes, standing before the fire and loosening her furs. "He has been offered a consulship50."
Mrs. Merriam closed her book and laid it on the table.
"Will he accept it?" she asked.
"He could scarcely refuse it," Agnes replied. "It is a decided51 advance; he likes the life abroad, and it might even lead to something better in the future; at least one rather fancies such things are an opening."
"It is true," reflected Mrs. Merriam, "that he seems to have no particular ties to hold him in one place rather than another."
"None," said Agnes. "I don't know whether that is his fortune or his misfortune."
"His fortune," said Mrs. Merriam. "He is of the nature to know how to value them. Perhaps, after all, he may form them if he goes abroad. It is not too late."
"Perhaps so," said Agnes. "That would be another reason why it would be better for him to go."
"Still," remarked Mrs. Merriam, "for my own part, I don't call it good news that he is going."
[Pg 541]
"I meant," said Agnes, "good news for him."
"It is bad news for us," Mrs. Merriam replied. "He will leave a gap. I have grown inconveniently52 fond of him myself."
But Agnes made no response, and soon afterward went to her room in silence. She was rather silent the next day when she made her visit to Bertha. Mrs. Merriam observed that she was rather silent at home; but, having seen her retire within herself before, she was too just to assign a definite reason for her quiet mood. Still she watched her with great interest, which had a fashion of deepening when Laurence Arbuthnot appeared upon the scene. But there was no change in her manner toward Arbuthnot. She was glad to see him; she was interested in his plans. Her gentle pleasure in his society seemed neither greater nor less than usual; her gentle regret at his approaching absence from their circle said absolutely nothing. In the gayeties of the closing season they saw even more of each other than usual.
"It will be generous of you to allow me a few additional privileges," Arbuthnot said; "an extra dance or so, for instance, on occasion; a few more calls that I am entitled to. Will you kindly, if you please, regard me in the light of a condemned53 criminal, and be lenient54 with me in my last moments?"
She did not refuse to be lenient with him. Much as he had been in the habit of enjoying the evenings spent in her parlor, he had never spent evenings such as fell to him in these last days. Somehow it happened that he found her alone more frequently. Mrs. Merriam had letters to write, or was otherwise occupied; so it chanced that he saw her as it had not been his fortune to see her very often.
But it was decided that he was to spend no more winters in Washington, for some time, at least; and, though he spent his evenings thus agreeably, he was making daily preparation for his departure, and it cannot[Pg 542] be said that he enjoyed the task. There had been a time, it is true, when he would have greeted with pleasure the prospect55 of the change before him; but that time was past.
"I am having my bad quarter of an hour," he said, "and it serves me right."
But as the days slipped by he found it even a worse quarter of an hour than he had fancied it would be. It cost him an effort to bear himself as it was only discretion56 that he should. His one resource lay in allowing himself no leisure. When he was not otherwise occupied, he spent his time with his friends. He was oftenest with the professor and Bertha. He had some quiet hours in the professor's study, and in the parlor, where Bertha sat or lay upon the sofa before the fire. She did not allow herself to lie upon the sofa often, and refused to be regarded as an invalid57; but Arbuthnot never found himself alone with her without an overpowering realization58 of the change which had taken place in her. But she rarely spoke of herself.
"There is nothing more," she said, once, "to say about me."
She was willing enough to speak of him, however, and of his future, and her gentleness often moved him deeply.
"We have been such good friends," she would say,—"such good friends. It is not often that a man is as true a friend to a woman as you have been to me. I wish—oh, I wish you might be happy!"
"It is too late," he would reply, "but I shall not waste time in complaining. I will even try not to waste it in regretting."
But he knew that he did waste it so, and that each passing day left a sharper pang behind it, and marked a greater struggle.
"There is a great deal of trouble in this world," the professor said to him, simply, after watching him a few minutes one day. "I should like to know what you are carrying with you to Germany."
[Pg 543]
"I am carrying nothing," Arbuthnot answered. "That is my share."
They were smoking their cigars together, and through the blue haze59 floating about him the professor looked out with a sad face.
"Do you," he said,—"do you leave anything behind you?"
"Everything," said Arbuthnot. The professor made a disturbed movement.
"Perhaps," he said, "this was a mistake. Perhaps it would be better if you remained. It is not yet too late"—
"Yes, it is," Arbuthnot interposed, with a faint laugh. "And nothing would induce me to remain."
It was on the occasion of a reception given by Mrs. Sylvestre that he was to make his last appearance in the social world before his departure. He had laid his plans in such a manner that, having made his adieus at the end of the evening, half an hour after retiring from the parlors60 he would be speeding away from Washington on his way to New York.
"It will be a good exit," he said. "And the eye of the unfeeling world being upon me, I shall be obliged to conceal61 my emotions, and you will be spared the spectacle of my anguish."
There were no particular traces of anguish upon his countenance62 when he presented himself, the evening in question having arrived. He appeared, in fact, to be in reasonably good spirits. Nothing could have been more perfect than the evening was from first to last: the picturesque and charming home was at its best; Mrs. Sylvestre the most lovely central figure in its picturesqueness63; Mrs. Merriam even more gracious and amusing than usual. The gay world was represented by its gayest and brightest; the majority of those who had appeared on the night of the ball appeared again. Rather late in the evening Blundel came in, fresh from an exciting debate in the Senate, and somewhat flushed[Pg 544] and elated by it. He made his way almost immediately to Bertha. Those who stood about her made way for him as he came. She was not sitting alone to-night; there seemed no likelihood of her being called upon to sit alone again. She had not only regained64 her old place, but something more. The professor had accompanied her, and at no time was far away from her. He hovered65 gently about in her neighborhood, and rarely lost sight of her. He had never left her for any great length of time since the night Tredennis had gone away. He had asked her no questions, but they had grown very near to each other, and any mystery he might feel that he confronted only made him more tender of her.
When Senator Blundel found himself standing before her he gave her a sharp glance of scrutiny66.
"Well," he said, "you are rested and better, and all the rest of it. Your pink gown is very nice, and it gives you a color and brightens you up."
"I chose the shade carefully," she answered, smiling. "If it had been deeper it might have taken some color away from me. I am glad you like it."
"But you are well?" he said, a little persistently67. He was not so sure of her, after all. He was shrewd enough to wish she had not found it necessary to choose her shade with such discretion.
She smiled up at him again.
"Yes, I am well," she said. "And I am very glad to see you again."
But for several seconds he did not answer her; standing, he looked at her in silence as she remembered his doing in the days when she had felt as if he was asking himself and her a question. But she knew it was not the same question he was asking himself now, but another one, and after he had asked it he did not seem to discover the answer to it, and looked baffled and uncertain, and even disturbed and anxious. And yet her pretty smile did not change in the least at any moment while he regarded her. It only deserted her entirely[Pg 545] once during the evening. This was when she said her last words to Arbuthnot. He had spent the previous evening with her in her own parlor. Now, before she went away,—which she did rather early,—they had a few minutes together in the deserted music-room, where he took her while supper was in progress.
Neither of them had any smiles when they went in together and took their seats in a far corner.
Bertha caught no reflected color from her carefully chosen pink. Suddenly she looked cold and worn.
"Laurence!" she said, "in a few hours"—and stopped.
He ended for her.
"In a few hours I shall be on my way to New York."
She looked down at her flowers and then up at him.
"Oh!" she said, "a great deal will go with you. There is no one now who could take from me what you will. But that is not what I wanted to say to you. Will you let me say to you what I have been thinking of for several days, and wanting to say?"
"You may say anything," he answered.
"Perhaps," she went on, hurriedly, "it will not make any difference when it is said; I don't know." She put out her hand and touched his arm with it; her eyes looked large and bright in their earnest appeal.
"Don't be angry with me, Larry," she said; "we have been such good friends,—the best, best friends. I am going home soon. I shall not stay until the evening is over. You must, I think, until every one is gone away. You might—you might have a few last words to say to Agnes."
"There is nothing," he replied, "that I could say to her."
"There might be," she said tremulously, "there might be—a few last words Agnes might wish to say to you."
He put his head down upon his hand and answered in a low tone:
"It is impossible that there should be."
[Pg 546]
"Larry," she said, "only you can find out whether that is true or not, and—don't go away before you are quite sure. Oh! do you remember what I told you once?—there is only one thing in all the world when all the rest are tried and done with. So many miss it, and then everything is wrong. Don't be too proud, Larry; don't reason too much. If people are true to each other, and content, what does the rest matter? I want to know that some one is happy like that. I wish it might be you. If I have said too much, forgive me; but you may be angry with me. I will let you—if you will not run the risk of throwing anything away."
There was a silence.
"Promise me," she said, "promise me."
"I cannot promise you," he answered.
He left his seat.
"I will tell you," he said. "I am driven to-night—driven! I never thought it could be so, but it is—even though I fancied I had taught myself better. I am bearing a good deal. I don't know how far I may trust myself. I have not an idea about it. It is scarcely safe for me to go near her. I have not been near her often to-night. I am driven. I don't know that I shall get out of the house safely. I don't know how far I can go, if I do get out of it, without coming back and making some kind of an outcry to her. One can't bear everything indefinitely. It seems to me now that the only decent end to this would be for me to go as quickly as possible, and not look back; but there never was a more impotent creature than I know I am to-night. The sight of her is too much for me. She looks like a tall, white flower. She is a little pale to-night—and the look in her eyes—I wish she were pale for sorrow—for me. I wish she was suffering; but she is not."
"She could not tell you if she were," said Bertha.
"That is very true," he answered.
"Don't go away," she said, "until you have said good-by to her alone."
[Pg 547]
"Don't you see," he replied, desperately68, "that I am in the condition to be unable to go until I am actually forced? Oh," he added, bitterly, "rest assured I shall hang about long enough!" But when he returned to the supper-room, and gave his attention to his usual duties, he was entirely himself again, so far as his outward bearing went. He bore about ices and salads, and endeared himself beyond measure to dowagers, with appetites, who lay in wait. He received their expressions of grief at his approaching departure with decorum not too grave and sufficiently grateful. He made himself as useful and agreeable as usual.
"He is always ready and amiable69, that Mr. Arbuthnot," remarked a well-seasoned, elderly matron, who recognized useful material when she saw it.
And Agnes, who had chanced to see him just as his civilities won him this encomium70, reflected upon him for a moment with a soft gaze, and then turned away with a secret thought her face did not betray.
At last the rooms began to thin out. One party after another took its departure, disappearing up the stairs and reappearing afterward, descending71 and passing through the hall to the carriages, which rolled up, one after another, as they were called. Agnes stood near the door-way with Mrs. Merriam, speaking the last words to her guests as they left her. She was still a little pale, but the fatigues72 of the evening might easily have left her more so. Arbuthnot found himself lingering with an agonizing73 sense of disgust at his folly74. Several times he thought he would go with the rest, and then discovered that the step would cost him a struggle to which he was not equal. Agnes did not look at him; Mrs. Merriam did.
"You must not leave us just yet," she said. "We want your last moments. It would be absurd to bid you good-night as if we were to see you to-morrow. Talk to me until Agnes has done with these people."
He could have embraced her. He was perfectly[Pg 548] aware that, mentally, he had lost all his dignity, but he could do nothing more than recognize the fact with unsparing clearness, and gird at himself for his weakness.
"If I were a boy of sixteen," he said inwardly, "I should comport75 myself in something the same manner. I could grovel76 at this kind old creature's feet because she has taken a little notice of me."
But at length the last guest had departed, the last carriage had been called and had rolled away. Agnes turned from the door-way and walked slowly to the fireplace.
"How empty the rooms look!" she said.
"You should have a glass of wine," Mrs. Merriam suggested. "You are certainly more tired than you should be. You are not as strong as I was at your age."
Arbuthnot went for the glass of wine into the adjoining room. He was glad to absent himself for a moment.
"In ten minutes I shall be out of the house," he said; "perhaps in five."
When he returned to the parlor Mrs. Merriam had disappeared. Agnes stood upon the hearth77, looking down. She lifted her eyes with a gentle smile.
"Aunt Mildred is going to ask you to execute a little commission for her," she said. "She will be down soon, I think."
For the moment he was sufficiently abandoned and ungrateful to have lost all interest in Mrs. Merriam. It seemed incredible that he had only ten minutes before him and yet could retain composure enough to reply with perfect steadiness.
"Perhaps," he thought, desperately, "I am not going to do it so villanously, after all."
He kept his eyes fixed78 very steadily79 upon her. The soft calm of her manner seemed to give him a sort of strength. Nothing could have been sweeter or more unmoved than her voice.
"I was a little afraid you would go away early," she[Pg 549] said, "and that we could not bid you good-by quietly."
"Don't bid me good-by too quietly," he answered. "You will excuse my emotion, I am sure?"
"You have been in Washington," she said, "long enough to feel sorry to leave it."
He glanced at the clock.
"I have spent ten years here," he said; "one grows fond of a place, naturally."
"Yes," she replied.
Then she added:
"Your steamer sails"—
"On Wednesday," was his answer.
It was true that he was driven. He was so hard driven at this moment that he glanced furtively80 at the mirror, half fearing to find his face ashen81.
"My train leaves in an hour," he said; "I will bid you"—
He held out his hand without ending his sentence. She gave him her slender, cold fingers passively.
"Good-by!" she said.
Mrs. Merriam was not mentioned. She was forgotten. Arbuthnot had not thought once of the possibility of her return.
He dropped Agnes' hand, and simply turned round and went out of the room.
His ten minutes were over; it was all over. This was his thought as he went up the staircase. He went into the deserted upper room where he had left his overcoat. It was quite empty, the servant in charge having congratulated himself that his duties for the night were over, and joined his fellows downstairs. One overcoat, he had probably fancied, might take care of itself, especially an overcoat sufficiently familiar with the establishment to outstay all the rest. The garment in question hung over the back of a chair. Arbuthnot took it up and put it on with unnecessary haste; then he took his hat; then he stopped. He sank into the[Pg 550] chair and dropped his brow upon his hand; he was actually breathless. He passed through a desperate moment as he sat there; when it was over he rose, deliberately freed himself from his coat again, and went downstairs. When he re?ntered the parlor Agnes rose hurriedly from the sofa, leaving her handkerchief on the side-cushion, on which there was a little indented82 spot. She made a rapid step toward him, her head held erect83, her eyes at once telling their own story, and commanding him to disbelieve it; her face so inexpressibly sweet in its sadness that his heart leaped in his side.
"You have left something?" she said.
"Yes," he answered, "I left—you."
She sat down upon the sofa without a word. He saw the large tears well up into her eyes, and they helped him to go on as nothing else would have done.
"I couldn't go away," he said. "There was no use trying. I could not leave you in that cold way, as if our parting were only an ordinary, conventional one. There is nothing conventional about my side of it. I am helpless with misery84. I have lost my last shred85 of self-respect. I had to come back and ask you to be a little kinder to me. I don't think you know how cold you were. It was like death to drop your hand and turn away like that. Such a thing must be unendurable to a man who loves a woman."
He came nearer.
"Beggars should be humble86," he said. "I am humble enough. I only ask you to say good-by a little more kindly."
Her eyes were full and more beautiful than ever. She put out her hand and touched the sofa at her side.
"Will you sit here?" she said.
"What!" he cried,—"I?"
"Yes," she answered, scarcely above her breath, "no one else." He took the place and her slender hand.
"I have no right to this," he said. "No one knows that so well as I. I am doing a terrible, daring thing."
[Pg 551]
"It is a daring thing for us both," she said. "I have always been afraid; but it cost me too much when you went out of the door."
"Did it?" he said, and folded her hand close against his breast. "Oh!" he whispered, "I will be very tender to you."
She lifted her soft eyes.
"I think," she said, "that is what I need."
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1
eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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3
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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5
lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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6
unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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7
wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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8
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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9
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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10
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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11
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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12
necessitated
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| 使…成为必要，需要( necessitate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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14
ornament
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| v.装饰，美化；n.装饰，装饰物 | |
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15
seclusion
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| n.隐遁，隔离 | |
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16
fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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17
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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18
conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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19
parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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20
divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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21
procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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22
bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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23
advent
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| n.(重要事件等的)到来，来临 | |
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24
injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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25
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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26
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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27
deft
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| adj.灵巧的，熟练的（a deft hand 能手） | |
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28
derided
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| v.取笑，嘲笑( deride的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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30
vainglorious
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| adj.自负的；夸大的 | |
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31
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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32
fatigued
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| adj. 疲乏的 | |
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33
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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34
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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35
bestowing
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| 砖窑中砖堆上层已烧透的砖 | |
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36
acrid
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| adj.辛辣的，尖刻的，刻薄的 | |
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37
pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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38
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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39
picturesque
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| adj.美丽如画的，（语言）生动的，绘声绘色的 | |
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40
afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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41
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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42
vivacious
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| adj.活泼的，快活的 | |
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43
loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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44
abhor
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| v.憎恶；痛恨 | |
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45
jot
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| n.少量；vi.草草记下；vt.匆匆写下 | |
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46
persistence
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| n.坚持，持续，存留 | |
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47
anecdote
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| n.轶事，趣闻，短故事 | |
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48
warrior
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| n.勇士，武士，斗士 | |
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49
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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50
consulship
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| 领事的职位或任期 | |
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51
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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52
inconveniently
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| ad.不方便地 | |
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53
condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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54
lenient
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| adj.宽大的，仁慈的 | |
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55
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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56
discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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57
invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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58
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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59
haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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60
parlors
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| 客厅( parlor的名词复数 )； 起居室； （旅馆中的）休息室； （通常用来构成合成词）店 | |
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61
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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62
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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63
picturesqueness
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64
regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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65
hovered
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| 鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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66
scrutiny
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| n.详细检查，仔细观察 | |
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67
persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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68
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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69
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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70
encomium
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| n.赞颂；颂词 | |
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71
descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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72
fatigues
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| n.疲劳( fatigue的名词复数 )；杂役；厌倦；（士兵穿的）工作服 | |
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73
agonizing
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| adj.痛苦难忍的；使人苦恼的v.使极度痛苦；折磨(agonize的ing形式) | |
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74
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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75
comport
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| vi.相称，适合 | |
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76
grovel
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| vi.卑躬屈膝，奴颜婢膝 | |
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77
hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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78
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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79
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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80
furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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81
ashen
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| adj.灰的 | |
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82
indented
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| adj.锯齿状的，高低不平的；缩进排版 | |
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83
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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84
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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85
shred
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| v.撕成碎片，变成碎片；n.碎布条，细片，些少 | |
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86
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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