"We had better say to-morrow. There would be nothing to eat to-day. The house isn't now what it used to be." It was therefore expedient14 that Lopez should drop his anger when he got home, and prepare his wife to dine in Manchester Square in a proper frame of mind.
Her misery had been extreme;—very much more bitter than he had imagined. It was not only that his displeasure made her life for the time wearisome, and robbed the only society she had of all its charms. It was not only that her heart was wounded by his anger. Those evils might have been short-lived. But she had seen,—she could not fail to see,—that his conduct was unworthy of her and of her deep love. Though she struggled hard against the feeling, she could not but despise the meanness of his jealousy16. She knew thoroughly17 well that there had been no grain of offence in that letter from Arthur Fletcher,—and she knew that no man, no true man, would have taken offence at it. She tried to quench18 her judgment19, and to silence the verdict which her intellect gave against him, but her intellect was too strong even for her heart. She was beginning to learn that the god of her idolatry was but a little human creature, and that she should not have worshipped at so poor a shrine21. But nevertheless the love should be continued, and, if possible, the worship, though the idol20 had been already found to have feet of clay. He was her husband, and she would be true to him. As morning after morning he left her, still with that harsh, unmanly frown upon his face, she would look up at him with entreating22 eyes, and when he returned would receive him with her fondest smile.
At length he, too, smiled. He came to her after that interview with Mr. Wharton and told her, speaking with the soft yet incisive23 voice which she used to love so well, that they were to dine in the Square on the following day. "Let there be an end of all this," he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her. Of course she did not tell him that "all this" had sprung from his ill-humour and not from hers. "I own I have been angry," he continued. "I will say nothing more about it now; but that man did vex10 me."
"I have been so sorry that you should have been vexed24."
"Well;—let it pass away. I don't think your father is looking very well."
"He is not ill?"
"Oh no. He feels the loss of your society. He is so much alone. You must be more with him."
"Has he not seen Everett yet?"
"No. Everett is not behaving altogether well." Emily was made unhappy by this and showed it. "He is the best fellow in the world. I may safely say there is no other man whom I regard so warmly as I do your brother. But he takes wrong ideas into his head, and nothing will knock them out. I wonder what your father has done about his will."
"I have not an idea. Nothing you may be sure will make him unjust to Everett."
"Ah!—You don't happen to know whether he ever made a will?"
"Not at all. He would be sure to say nothing about it to me,—or to anybody."
"That is a kind of secrecy25 which I think wrong. It leads to so much uncertainty26. You wouldn't like to ask him?"
"No;—certainly."
"It is astonishing to me how afraid you are of your father. He hasn't any land, has he?"
"Land!"
"Real estate. You know what I mean. He couldn't well have landed property without your knowing it." She shook her head. "It might make an immense difference to us, you know."
"Why so?"
"If he were to die without a will, any land,—houses and that kind of property,—would go to Everett. I never knew a man who told his children so little. I want to make you understand these things. You and I will be badly off if he doesn't do something for us."
"You don't think he is really ill?"
"No;—not ill. Men above seventy are apt to die, you know."
"Oh, Ferdinand,—what a way to talk of it!"
"Well, my love, the thing is so seriously matter-of-fact, that it is better to look at it in a matter-of-fact way. I don't want your father to die."
"I hope not. I hope not."
"But I should be very glad to learn what he means to do while he lives. I want to get you into sympathy with me in this matter;—but it is so difficult."
"Indeed I sympathise with you."
"The truth is he has taken an aversion to Everett."
"God forbid!"
"I am doing all I can to prevent it. But if he does throw Everett over we ought to have the advantage of it. There is no harm in saying as much as that. Think what it would be if he should take it into his head to leave his money to hospitals. My G––––; fancy what my condition would be if I were to hear of such a will as that! If he destroyed an old will, partly because he didn't like our marriage, and partly in anger against Everett, and then died without making another, the property would be divided,—unless he had bought land. You see how many dangers there are. Oh dear! I can look forward and see myself mad,—or else see myself so proudly triumphant27!" All this horrified28 her, but he did not see her horror. He knew that she disliked it, but thought that she disliked the trouble, and that she dreaded29 her father. "Now I do think that you could help me a little," he continued.
"What can I do?"
"Get round him when he's a little down in the mouth. That is the way in which old men are conquered." How utterly30 ignorant he was of the very nature of her mind and disposition31! To be told by her husband that she was to "get round" her father! "You should see him every day. He would be delighted if you would go to him at his chambers32. Or you could take care to be in the Square when he comes home. I don't know whether we had not better leave this and go and live near him. Would you mind that?"
"I would do anything you would suggest as to living anywhere."
"But you won't do anything I suggest as to your father."
"As to being with him, if I thought he wished it,—though I had to walk my feet off, I would go to him."
"There's no need of hurting your feet. There's the brougham."
"I do so wish, Ferdinand, you would discontinue the brougham. I don't at all want it. I don't at all dislike cabs. And I was only joking about walking. I walk very well."
"Certainly not. You fail altogether to understand my ideas about things. If things were going bad with us, I would infinitely33 prefer getting a pair of horses for you to putting down the one you have." She certainly did not understand his ideas. "Whatever we do we must hold our heads up. I think he is coming round to cotton to me. He is very close, but I can see that he likes my going to him. Of course, as he grows older from day to day, he'll constantly want some one to lean on more than heretofore."
"I would go and stay with him if he wanted me."
"I have thought of that too. Now that would be a saving,—without any fall. And if we were both there we could hardly fail to know what he was doing. You could offer that, couldn't you? You could say as much as that?"
"I could ask him if he wished it."
"Just so. Say that it occurs to you that he is lonely by himself, and that we will both go to the Square at a moment's notice if he thinks it will make him comfortable. I feel sure that that will be the best step to take. I have already had an offer for these rooms, and could get rid of the things we have bought to advantage."
This, too, was terrible to her, and at the same time altogether unintelligible34. She had been invited to buy little treasures to make their home comfortable, and had already learned to take that delight in her belongings35 which is one of the greatest pleasures of a young married woman's life. A girl in her old home, before she is given up to a husband, has many sources of interest, and probably from day to day sees many people. And the man just married goes out to his work, and occupies his time, and has his thickly-peopled world around him. But the bride, when the bridal honours of the honeymoon36 are over, when the sweet care of the first cradle has not yet come to her, is apt to be lonely and to be driven to the contemplation of the pretty things with which her husband and her friends have surrounded her. It had certainly been so with this young bride, whose husband left her in the morning and only returned for their late dinner. And now she was told that her household gods had had a price put upon them and that they were to be sold. She had intended to suggest that she would pay her father a visit, and her husband immediately proposed that they should quarter themselves permanently37 on the old man! She was ready to give up her brougham, though she liked the comfort of it well enough; but to that he would not consent because the possession of it gave him an air of wealth; but without a moment's hesitation38 he could catch at the idea of throwing upon her father the burden of maintaining both her and himself! She understood the meaning of this. She could read his mind so far. She endeavoured not to read the book too closely,—but there it was, opened to her wider day by day, and she knew that the lessons which it taught were vulgar and damnable.
And yet she had to hide from him her own perception of himself! She had to sympathise with his desires and yet to abstain39 from doing that which his desires demanded from her. Alas40, poor girl! She soon knew that her marriage had been a mistake. There was probably no one moment in which she made the confession41 to herself. But the conviction was there, in her mind, as though the confession had been made. Then there would come upon her unbidden, unwelcome reminiscences of Arthur Fletcher,—thoughts that she would struggle to banish42, accusing herself of some heinous43 crime because the thoughts would come back to her. She remembered his light wavy44 hair, which she had loved as one loves the beauty of a dog, which had seemed to her young imagination, to her in the ignorance of her early years, to lack something of a dreamed-of manliness45. She remembered his eager, boyish, honest entreaties46 to herself, which to her had been without that dignity of a superior being which a husband should possess. She became aware that she had thought the less of him because he had thought the more of her. She had worshipped this other man because he had assumed superiority and had told her that he was big enough to be her master. But now,—now that it was all too late,—the veil had fallen from her eyes. She could now see the difference between manliness and "deportment." Ah,—that she should ever have been so blind, she who had given herself credit for seeing so much clearer than they who were her elders! And now, though at last she did see clearly, she could not have the consolation47 of telling any one what she had seen. She must bear it all in silence, and live with it, and still love this god of clay that she had chosen. And, above all, she must never allow herself even to think of that other man with the wavy light hair,—that man who was rising in the world, of whom all people said all good things, who was showing himself to be a man by the work he did, and whose true tenderness she could never doubt.
Her father was left to her. She could still love her father. It might be that it would be best for him that she should go back to her old home, and take care of his old age. If he should wish it, she would make no difficulty of parting with the things around her. Of what concern were the prettinesses of life to one whose inner soul was hampered48 with such ugliness? It might be better that they should live in Manchester Square,—if her father wished it. It was clear to her now that her husband was in urgent want of money, though of his affairs, even of his way of making money, she knew nothing. As that was the case, of course she would consent to any practicable retrenchment49 which he would propose. And then she thought of other coming joys and coming troubles,—of how in future years she might have to teach a girl falsely to believe that her father was a good man, and to train a boy to honest purposes whatever parental50 lessons might come from the other side.
But the mistake she had made was acknowledged. The man who could enjoin51 her to "get round" her father could never have been worthy15 of the love she had given him.
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1
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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abominable
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| adj.可厌的，令人憎恶的 | |
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marital
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| adj.婚姻的，夫妻的 | |
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scowls
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| 不悦之色，怒容( scowl的名词复数 ) | |
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7
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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8
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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10
vex
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| vt.使烦恼，使苦恼 | |
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11
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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12
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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13
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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14
expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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15
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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17
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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18
quench
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| vt.熄灭，扑灭；压制 | |
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19
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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idol
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| n.偶像，红人，宠儿 | |
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shrine
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| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
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22
entreating
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的现在分词 ) | |
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23
incisive
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| adj.敏锐的，机敏的，锋利的，切入的 | |
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vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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25
secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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27
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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28
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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29
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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30
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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31
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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32
chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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33
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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unintelligible
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| adj.无法了解的，难解的，莫明其妙的 | |
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belongings
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| n.私人物品，私人财物 | |
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honeymoon
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| n.蜜月（假期）；vi.度蜜月 | |
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permanently
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| adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地 | |
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38
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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abstain
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| v.自制，戒绝，弃权，避免 | |
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40
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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41
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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42
banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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43
heinous
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| adj.可憎的，十恶不赦的 | |
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44
wavy
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| adj.有波浪的，多浪的，波浪状的，波动的，不稳定的 | |
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45
manliness
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| 刚毅 | |
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46
entreaties
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| n.恳求，乞求( entreaty的名词复数 ) | |
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47
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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48
hampered
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| 妨碍，束缚，限制( hamper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
retrenchment
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| n.节省，删除 | |
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50
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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51
enjoin
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| v.命令；吩咐；禁止 | |
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