He had intended to return by Slowbridge, but when the morning came he changed his mind and went to Beetham. His reason for doing so was hardly plain, even to himself. He tried to make himself believe that the letter had better be written from Beetham,—hot, as it were, from the immediate4 neighbourhood,—than from London; but, as he thought of this, his mind was crowded with ideas of Alice Dugdale. He would not propose to Alice. At this moment, indeed, he was averse5 to matrimony, having been altogether disgusted with female society at Brook Park; but he had to acknowledge a sterling7 worth about Alice, and the existence of a genuine friendship between her and himself, which made it painful to him to leave the country without other recognition than that raising of his hat when he saw her at the corner of the lane. He had behaved badly in this Brook Park affair,—in having been tempted8 thither9 in opposition10 to those better instincts which had made Alice so pleasant a companion to him,—and was ashamed of himself. He did not think that he could go back to his former ideas. He was aware that Alice must think ill of him,—would not believe him to be now such as she had once thought him. England and London were distasteful to him. He would go abroad on that foreign service which he had proposed to himself. There was an opening for him to do so if he liked, and he could return to his present duties after a year or two. But he would see Alice again before he went. Thinking of all this, he drove himself back to Beetham.{383}
On that morning tidings of the successful festivities at Brook Park reached the doctor’s house. Tidings of the coming festivities, then of the preparations, and at last of the festal day itself, had reached Alice, so that it seemed to her that all Beetham talked of nothing else. Old Lady Deepbell had caught a cold, walking about on the lawn with hardly anything on her old shoulders,—stupid old woman,—and had sent for the doctor the first thing in the morning. “Positively settled,” she had said to the doctor, “absolutely arranged, Dr. Dugdale. Lady Wanless told me so herself, and I congratulated the gentleman.” She did not go on to say that the gentleman had denied the accusation,—but then she had not believed the denial. The doctor, coming home, had thought it his duty to tell Alice, and Alice had received the news with a smile. “I knew it would be so, father.”
“And you?” This he said, holding her hand and looking tenderly into her eyes.
“Me! It will not hurt me. Not that I mean to tell a lie to you, father,” she added after a moment. “A woman isn’t hurt because she doesn’t get a prize in the lottery11. Had it ever come about, I dare say I should have liked him well enough.”
“No more than that?”
“And why should it have come about?” she went on saying, avoiding her father’s last question, determined12 not to lie if she could help it, but determined, also, to show no wound. “I think my position in life{384} very happy, but it isn’t one from which he would choose a wife.”
“Why not, my dear?”
“A thousand reasons; I am always busy, and he would naturally like a young lady who had nothing to do.” She understood the effect of the perambulator and the constant needle and thread. “Besides, though he might be all very well, he could never, I think, be as dear to me as the bairns. I should feel that I lost more than I got by going.” This she knew to be a lie, but it was so important that her father should believe her to be contented13 with her home duties! And she was contented, though very unhappy. When her father kissed her, she smiled into his face,—oh, so sweetly, so pleasantly! And the old man thought that she could not have loved very deeply. Then she took herself to her own room, and sat awhile alone with a countenance14 much changed. The lines of sorrow about her brow were terrible. There was not a tear; but her mouth was close pressed, and her hand was working constantly by her side. She gazed at nothing, but sat with her eyes wide open, staring straight before her. Then she jumped up quickly, and striking her hand upon her heart, she spoke aloud to herself. “I will cure it,” she said. “He is not worthy15, and it should therefore be easier. Though he were worthy, I would cure it. Yes, Bobby, I am coming.” Then she went about her work.
That might have been about noon. It was after their early dinner with the children that the Major came up{385} to the doctor’s house. He had reached the parsonage in time for a late breakfast, and had then written his letter. After that he had sat idling about on the lawn,—not on the best terms with his mother, to whom he had sworn that, under no circumstances, would he make Georgiana Wanless his wife. “I would sooner marry a girl from a troop of tight-rope dancers,” he had said in his anger. Mrs. Rossiter knew that he intended to go up to the doctor’s house, and therefore the immediate feeling between the mother and son was not pleasant. My readers, if they please, shall see the letter to Lady Wanless.
“My Dear Lady Wanless,—It is a great grief to me to say that there has been, I fear, a misconception between you and me on a certain matter. This is the more a trouble to me because you and Sir Walter have been so very kind to me. From a word or two which fell from you last night I was led to fear that you suspected feelings on my part which I have never entertained, and aspirations16 to which I have never pretended. No man can be more alive than I am to the honour which has been suggested, but I feel bound to say that I am not in a condition to accept it.
“Pray believe me to be,
“Dear Lady Wanless,
“Yours always very faithfully,
“John Rossiter.”
The letter, when it was written, was, to himself, very{386} unsatisfactory. It was full of ambiguous words and namby-pamby phraseology which disgusted him. But he did not know how to alter it for the better. It is hard to say an uncivil thing civilly without ambiguous namby-pamby language. He could not bring it out in straightforward17 stout18 English: “You want me to marry your daughter, but I won’t do anything of the kind.” So the letter was sent. The conduct of which he was really ashamed did not regard Miss Wanless, but Alice Dugdale.
At last, very slowly, he took himself up to the doctor’s house. He hardly knew what it was that he meant to say when he found himself there, but he was sure that he did not mean to make an offer. Even had other things suited, there would have been something distasteful to him in doing this so quickly after the affair of Miss Wanless. He was in no frame now for making love; but yet it would be ungracious in him, he thought, to leave Beetham without seeing his old friend. He found the two ladies together, with the children still around them, sitting near a window which opened down to the ground. Mrs. Dugdale had a novel in hand, and, as usual, was leaning back in a rocking-chair. Alice had also a book open on the table before her, but she was bending over a sewing-machine. They had latterly divided the cares of the family between them. Mrs. Dugdale had brought the children into the world, and Alice had washed, clothed, and fed them when they were there. When the Major entered the room, Alice’s mind was, of course, full of{387} the tidings she had heard from her father,—which tidings, however, had not been communicated to Mrs. Dugdale.
Alice at first was very silent while Mrs. Dugdale asked as to the festivities. “It has been the grandest thing anywhere about here for a long time.”
“And, like other grand things, a great bore,” said the Major.
“I don’t suppose you found it so, Major Rossiter,” said the lady.
Then the conversation ran away into a description of what had been done during the day. He wished to make it understood that there was no permanent link binding19 him to Brook Park, but he hardly knew how to say it without going beyond the lines of ordinary conversation. At last there seemed to be an opening,—not exactly what he wished, but still an opening. “Brook Park is not exactly the place,” said he, “at which I should ever feel myself quite at home.” This was in answer to some chance word which had fallen from Mrs. Dugdale.
“I am sorry for that,” said Alice. She would have given a guinea to bring the word back after it had been spoken. But spoken words cannot be brought back.
“Why sorry?” he asked, smiling.
“Because—Oh, because it is so likely that you may be there often.”
“I don’t know that at all.”
“You have become so intimate with them!” said{388} Alice. “We are told in Beetham that the party was got up all for your honour.”
So Sir Walter had told him, and so Maria, the naughty girl, had said also—“Only for your beaux yeux, Major Rossiter, we shouldn’t have had any party at all.” This had been said by Maria when she was laughing at him about her sister Georgiana. “I don’t know how that may be,” said the Major; “but all the same I shall never be at home at Brook Park.”
“Don’t you like the young ladies?” asked Mrs. Dugdale.
“Oh, yes; very much; and Lady Wanless; and Sir Walter. I like them all, in a way. But yet I shall never find myself at home at Brook Park.”
Alice was very angry with him. He ought not to have gone there at all. He must have known that he could not be there without paining her. She thoroughly20 believed that he was engaged to marry the girl of whose family he spoke in this way. He had thought,—so it seemed to her,—that he might lessen21 the blow to her by making little of the great folk among whom his future lot was to be cast. But what could be more mean? He was not the John Rossiter to whom she had given her heart. There had been no such man. She had been mistaken. “I am afraid you are one of those,” she said, “who, wherever they find themselves, at once begin to wish for something better.”
“That is meant to be severe.”
“My severity won’t go for much.{389}”
“I am sure you have deserved it,” said Mrs. Dugdale, most indiscreetly.
“Is this intended for an attack?” he asked, looking from one to the other.
“Not at all,” said Alice, affecting to laugh. “I should have said nothing if I thought mamma would take it up so seriously. I was only sorry to hear you speak of your new friends so slightingly.”
After that the conversation between them was very difficult, and he soon got up to go away. As he did so, he asked Alice to say a word to him out in the garden, having already explained to them both that it might be some time before he would be again down at Beetham. Alice rose slowly from her sewing-machine, and, putting on her hat, led the way with a composed and almost dignified22 step out through the window. Her heart was beating within her, but she looked as though she were mistress of every pulse. “Why did you say that to me?” he asked.
“Say what?”
“That I always wished for better things and better people than I found.”
“Because I think you ambitious,—and discontented. There is nothing disgraceful in that, though it is not the character which I myself like the best.”
“You meant to allude23 specially24 to the Wanlesses?”
“Because you have just come from there, and were speaking of them.”
“And to one of that family specially?”
“No, Major Rossiter. There you are wrong. I{390} alluded25 to no one in particular. They are nothing to me. I do not know them; but I hear that they are kind and friendly people, with good manners and very handsome. Of course I know, as we all know everything of each other in this little place, that you have of late become very intimate with them. Then when I hear you aver6 that you are already discontented with them, I cannot help thinking that you are hard to please. I am sorry that mamma spoke of deserving. I did not intend to say anything so seriously.”
“Alice!”
“Well, Major Rossiter.”
“I wish I could make you understand me.”
“I do not know that that would do any good. We have been old friends, and of course I hope that you may be happy. I must say good-bye now. I cannot go beyond the gate, because I am wanted to take the children out.”
“Good-bye then. I hope you will not think ill of me.”
“Why should I think ill of you? I think very well,—only that you are ambitious.” As she said this, she laughed again, and then she left him.
He had been most anxious to tell her that he was not going to marry that girl, but he had not known how to do it. He could not bring himself to declare that he would not marry a girl when by such declaration he would have been forced to assume that he might marry her if he pleased. So he left Alice at the gate, and{391} she went back to the house still convinced that he was betrothed26 to Georgiana Wanless.
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1
brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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purport
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| n.意义，要旨，大要；v.意味著，做为...要旨，要领是... | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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5
averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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aver
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| v.极力声明；断言；确证 | |
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7
sterling
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| adj.英币的(纯粹的，货真价实的)；n.英国货币(英镑) | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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9
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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lottery
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| n.抽彩；碰运气的事，难于算计的事 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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13
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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14
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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16
aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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binding
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| 有约束力的，有效的，应遵守的 | |
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20
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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25
alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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betrothed
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| n. 已订婚者 动词betroth的过去式和过去分词 | |
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