"I would have her locked up and punished!" the reader undoubtedly1 exclaims as he notes our title. It is hardly likely, however, that he realizes the possible significance of such an undertaking2. For the edification, therefore, of those who have cooks and teapots, and in order to be forewarned, if not fore-armed, let us suppose that the worthy3 Mr. Appleboy has not only the domestic necessary for our case, but also a family heirloom which is worth more than twenty-five dollars, the requisite4 value to make its abstraction, with felonious intent, grand larceny5 in the second degree.
Mr. Appleboy, after a moderately hard day's work, has been for an hour at the club, and is now ascending6 his front steps. As he is about to place the key in the door, he observes his cook, Maria, making her exit from the area with some large object concealed7 beneath her shawl. A flash from the dying sun, setting over the elevated railroad tracks of Sixth Avenue, betrays a telltale protruding8 spout9. Maria does not perceive her master, but the latter, being of an inquiring disposition10, descends12 the steps and follows her down the street. She hurries along upon her journey until, reaching[Pg 103] Eighth Avenue, she turns the corner and enters a pawnshop. Mr. Appleboy, puffing13, follows hard, and opens the door just as Maria is in the act of receiving from the pawnbroker14 the sum of ten dollars. She has the money in one hand, the teapot in the other; she is caught in flagrante delicto, or, in the modern equivalent, "with the goods on."
Maria shrieks15 and calls upon the saints. Appleboy, purple from his exertions16, pounds the floor with his gold-headed cane17 and fiercely inquires what she means by going off with his silver teapot. In reply Maria falls on her knees, breaks into tears, and confesses her crime, offering no excuse, and suggesting no palliating circumstance. She implores18 his forgiveness, but Appleboy, righteously indignant, is obdurate19. She could have stolen anything but his grandmother's teapot, and he would have overlooked it. The pawnbroker, who takes but a mild interest in the proceedings20, merely seizes the opportunity to remove from the cook's unresisting fingers the roll of bills.
Appleboy resolves to do his duty. He will set an example of good citizenship—he will have her arrested, locked up, and sent to prison.
"Summon a policeman!" he cries to the indifferent pawnbroker.
"Get one yourself!" replies the other.
Appleboy starts for the door, keeping one eye on the prostrate22 Maria. Two blocks distant he sees a stalwart officer in the act of conversing23 affably with a street cleaner. At this moment an urchin24 notices Maria couchant upon the floor. An expansive grin takes possession of his features, and, placing his fingers to his mouth, he emits a shrill25 whistle.[Pg 104] Instantly, like a flight of vultures, a small army of boys descend11 upon Appleboy, who now decides that the only way to procure26 the policeman is to shout for him. In his embarrassment27 he yells: "Stop thief! Stop thief! Police!" but the officer pays no attention. He is discussing Tommy Sullivan's chowder party of the night before.
"Say, mister, I'll get the copper28 for ye," shouts some little fellow, and starts on a run up the avenue. A few follow him and quickly corral the officer, who, protesting, dawdles29 slowly in the direction of Mr. Appleboy, swinging his club, and apparently30 taking little interest in their remarks. Meantime, the pawnbroker has shut and locked the door. Maria, within, is still in a state of coma31. The much-annoyed old gentleman is fast being surrounded by a dense32 throng33 of loafers, tradesmen, ladies of the neighborhood and pedestrians34, while the street is blocked with vagrant35 cabs and grocery carts. He wishes he were at home in his comfortable library, but realizes that he is in for it now, and must stick it out.
"Well, what do you want?" demands the officer, pushing his way through the crowd until he confronts the innocent cause of the disturbance36. "What are yer makin' all this row about, and blockin' up the street fer?"
"Maria, my cook, stole my silver teapot," answers Mr. Appleboy. "I caught her trying to sell it in there. I ask that you place her under arrest."
"What's yer name?" asks the policeman. "Who are yer anyway?" The crowd cheers delightedly, for while the copper is not popular in the neighborhood, an old swell37 like this is "nuts" for everybody.
"I am a citizen and a taxpayer38," replies Mr.[Pg 105] Appleboy stiffly, "and I insist upon your doing your duty and arresting this woman."
"Aw, come on now and give us yer name," continues the officer. "You can't expec' me t'arrest a person unless I know who I'm doin' it fer. How do I know yer ain't throwin' some game into me?"
At this moment one of the boys shies a banana peel at Mr. Appleboy's tall hat. The latter, seeing his disadvantage, responds:
"My name is Silas Appleboy, and I am a taxpayer and a freeholder. I demand that you arrest this woman." The policeman, somewhat impressed by the other's vehemence39 and the statement that he is a freeholder (the meaning of which the official naturally does not understand), inquires a little more genially40 where the lady is.
"In that shop," replies her master. The crowd, with a whoop41, rushes at the door, but the pawnbroker is standing42 inside in an attitude of defence. The policeman, closely followed by Appleboy, pushes his way through the mob, and raps loudly.
"Stand back there, now," shouts the officer, waving his club. The small boys shrink back, leaving Appleboy in the centre of the ring. The pawnbroker opens the door. Maria is upon her knees, calling vaguely43 upon Heaven to defend her. The silver teapot reposes44 upon the counter. The officer grasps Maria roughly by the shoulder and yanks her to her feet.
"Get up there and pull yerself together!" he exclaims. "What's yer name?"
"Me name is Maria Holohan," she replies hysterically45.
[Pg 106]
"Do yer know that man?" continues the officer, pointing at Appleboy.
"Shure, I know him," is the answer. "Haven't I worked for him for fourteen years?"
"Did you steal his teapot?" asked the officer.
"Oh, Holy Mother! Holy Mother!" wails46 Maria. "I took a dhrop too much, an' shure I didn't know what I was doin' at all, at all."
"Well, the first thing you'll do," remarks the officer, "'ll be to walk to the house. Come on, now!" And forthwith he drags Maria to the door, and, holding her firmly by the wrist, marches her upon the sidewalk. Mr. Appleboy, the teapot clasped to his bosom48, follows immediately behind. Their appearance is greeted with vociferous49 approval by the waiting crowd, who fall in and escort the group towards the police station. But Maria's strength fails her, and, presently, with a groan50 she collapses51. Perhaps the drop too much has taken effect in her legs. At all events, despite the efforts of the officer, she refuses to move, and remains52 limp. The crowd has now become so dense as entirely53 to obstruct54 all traffic in the street, long lines of electric cars leading in each direction up the avenue, motor-men and conductors forming a strong adjunct to those giving gratuitous55 advice. Two grocery wagons56 get their wheels locked in the throng. Some one telephones to the station house. At last the distant clanging of the patrol is heard. The crowd scatters58, the carts and cabs extricate59 themselves, and the "hurry-up wagon57" backs to the sidewalk with a flourish, two more coppers60 swinging on behind. They bundle Maria unceremoniously inside, escort her erstwhile employer with hardly more courtesy[Pg 107] into the same vehicle, and toss in the teapot: the gong rings: and Mr. Appleboy starts upon his task of bringing an evil-doer to justice, and proving himself worthy of the proud title of citizen.
The drive to the station seems hours long, and the fumes61 of whiskey are very evident upon Maria. The officers are taciturn. The nose has been knocked off the teapot. Mr. Appleboy, holding himself tense in his seat, endeavors not to be jostled against the lady who has, previously63, cooked his meals. Now and again she addresses him in no complimentary64 terms. She has by this time reached the belligerent65 stage, although she has no thought of denying her guilt66.
The wagon draws up with a jerk in front of the precinct station house. Into a second crowd of gamins and loafers, Appleboy, still clutching the noseless teapot, emerges. He is followed by two policemen, half carrying, half supporting Maria. The doorman allows the party to enter, while repelling67 the inquisitive68 throng who would like to accompany them.
Once inside, Maria and her master, little distinction being made between them, are brought before the sergeant69, who reclines behind a desk upon an elevated platform. This official interrogates70 Mr. Appleboy somewhat brusquely as to his name, address and the charge which he makes against the defendant71, laboriously72 copying the answers in the "blotter." Maria, petrified73 with terror, absolutely refuses to answer any questions, and mutters incoherently to herself. The sergeant, satisfied of Mr. Appleboy's respectability by reason of his highly polished hat and gold-headed cane, commits the[Pg 108] prisoner to a cell to await the hearing before the magistrate74 on the following morning. As the charge is one of felony, and as none of her friends as yet know of her detention75 or arrest, the question of her release upon bail76 does not arise, and after the sergeant has directed Mr. Appleboy to attend at the nearest police court the next morning at half-past eight punctually, that gentleman escapes down the steps of the precinct house, feeling that he has lived through untold77 ages of misery78. The crowd cheers him as he descends, and he hastens homeward, the joy of release tempered only by the prospective79 agony of the morrow. The noseless teapot remains in the custody80 of the sergeant at the station house.
We can imagine Appleboy telling the story to his wife and children. How heroically he figures in his own account of the proceedings! How picturesquely81 penitent82 is Maria! How dramatic her capture in the very act of disposing of the stolen property! How the policemen cower83 at the majestic84 Appleboy's approach! By the time the old fellow has taken his coffee and lighted his perfecto he is almost restored to his former condition of pompous85 dignity. His intention to vindicate86 his position as a freeholder and to see that the law shall take its course is revived, and he dreams of Maria hurtling through the abyss with dozens of silver teapots tied about her ample neck.
DELAY THE FIRST
The next morning Appleboy orders his carriage and drives in state to the police court. His tall hat secures him easy access to a long room with a[Pg 109] low ceiling, in which the air is full of strange odors.
Across the end of the court, two-thirds of the way towards the front, stretches an iron grating through which a gate admits police officers, local politicians, lawyers and the witnesses in any examination actually in progress. He enters the room exactly at eight-thirty. Already it is crowded, and, having no business inside the gate, he is forced to sit upon a bench in company with various friends of the divers87 defendants88 who have been committed during the night.
It is early as yet, and a substantial breakfast has put Mr. Appleboy in an optimistic frame of mind. Once the judge arrives how quickly the case will be disposed of and our hero receive the thanks of the magistrate for acting89 as he has done! But alas90! Already a long file of officers is forming at the left of the desk behind the grating. Each officer has located at a safe distance one or more "drunks" or "disorderlies" whom he has gathered in during the preceding evening, and who have spent the night in the station house. The officers have recently come off post and now are waiting sleepily for the arrival of the magistrate to dispose of "The Watch."
By a quarter to nine the line has reached immense proportions. Twenty officers stand in single file and the procession of prisoners reaches to the doorway91 of the cells. In the meantime the jam in the room itself has become greater, and the heat and odors more oppressive. Mr. Appleboy wipes his brow with his silk handkerchief. He wishes he had brought his wife's smelling salts.
[Pg 110]
Presently he discerns amid the crowd inside the railing the now familiar features of Pat, the officer, who beckons92 him to come within.
Our friend rises to his feet to obey, but instantly another officer bawls93: "Sit down there, you!" and Appleboy collapses.
"Hi, there, Rounds, let that old guy in, will ye?" asks Pat good-naturedly.
The roundsman94 condescendingly nods to the grizzled guardian95 of the gate, who holds it open just wide enough to allow our hero to squeeze through.
"Mornin'," remarks Pat, chewing vigorously.
"Good-morning, officer," replies Appleboy. "Where is the prisoner?"
"She came in the wagon half an hour ago," says Pat. "Step up while he makes out the complaint. After that we'll arrange her."
So Pat and his complainant join the mob which is besieging97 the clerk's desk, and finally secure enough of that functionary's scattered98 attention to induce him to draw up a brief statement of the facts in the case. Pat disappears into the cells to emerge in a few minutes, escorting the bewildered Maria. She is then "arranged," which in police parlance99 is to say she is arraigned100. She has no counsel, and evidently supposes her interrogator101 to be the judge, for she insists on addressing him as "Yer onner." The clerk briefly102 warns her of her rights and puts the few necessary questions, which Maria answers in a quavering voice. It is obvious that she expects to be at once deported103 to Sing Sing or the "Island."
"Name?"
"Maria Holohan, yer onner."
[Pg 111]
"Address?"
"Two East Seventy-first Strate, yer onner, wid this man here." (Indicating Appleboy.)
"Occupation?"
"Shure, 'tis his cook, Oi am." ("Housework" puts down the clerk.)
"How long have you lived at this last address?"
"Fourteen year, yer onner, come St. Michael's Day."
"What have you to say, if anything, relative to the charge against you?"
(Maria mutters incoherently) "Shure Oi took the taypot, all right, all right."
"Guilty?" asks the clerk.
"Guilty," whispers Maria.
"That's all," says the other. "Stand back there and give some one else a chance."
Pat, holding the papers in his hands, escorts Maria to the end of the line, and Appleboy returns to his seat. In his deposition104 he has stated that his occupation is that of "Bank President" and he has instantly observed a change of attitude in those about him. "Rounds" even expels two unsavory characters for the purpose of making room for him in the front row.
In a moment more the judge enters hurriedly, takes his seat at the desk, and begins rapidly to dispose of the file of prisoners before him. One after another the officers press forward, make a brief statement of the circumstances of the arrest, and the prisoner is led away with a fine, a lecture, or a sentence of a few days in the workhouse. There is no opportunity for other cases until all the "disorderlies" and street-walkers have been dealt with.[Pg 112] Half-past nine comes, quarter of ten and ten o'clock, the hour at which Mr. Appleboy usually makes a leisurely105 descent to his office, but still there is no respite106. The monotonous107 business continues. But Mr. Appleboy's time is valuable, and he begins to fume62 and fidget. He thinks of the dollars he is losing by performing his duty as a citizen.
Pat has gradually neared the desk. At length there is but one more case to be heard, and the "Rounds" summons our hero once more inside. Maria is thrust in front of the platform and stands with her hands on the rail. It has seemed an easy thing to Mr. Appleboy for a complainant to tell his story, and he has smiled scornfully to himself at the wandering and unconvincing statements he has heard during the morning, but as he is pushed upon the platform under the sharp eye of the magistrate, his courage begins to ooze108 out of him. He wishes again for the hundredth time he had let Maria go off with the old teapot. The very thought of tea sickens him.
Pat hands up the papers.
"Maria Holohan," mutters the judge, running his eye over the "information." "Stole a teapot,—um—um—Is this the defendant?"
"He indentifies her," answers Pat.
The judge turns to Appleboy.
"Are you the complainant?" he asks briskly.
"Y-e-e-s," answers our hero, "I am. This is my cook."
"That will do," says the magistrate. "Answer only the questions that are put to you. Do you[Pg 113] swear that the statements contained in this complaint are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?"
Luckily for Appleboy, no lawyer appears for the delinquent110 Maria. Unfamiliar111 with all the vagaries112 and devices of the criminal law, this lady, realizing that she has been caught red-handed, foolishly supposes that there is nothing for her to do but to cry for forgiveness and beg for mercy.
"Do you desire counsel?" asks the judge.
Maria stares vaguely.
"Have ye got a lawyer?" interprets the nearest copper.
"Don't want no lawyer!" snaps Maria.
"I see you plead guilty," says the judge.
"Shure," she answers.
"Well," says the magistrate, "as she pleads guilty, I will not detain you further. Your cook, eh? Well, well, it's too bad! Why will they do such things? I am glad you did not lose the teapot. That is all."
Maria is led away, while Mr. Appleboy descends from the platform, to be followed by some other righteously indignant complainant.
The whole transaction has occupied less than a minute and a half. In order to accomplish it, Mr. Appleboy has remained in court from half-past eight in the morning until a quarter to twelve.
"Thank goodness," he says to himself, "it is all over now. The rest will be plain sailing." Ah, how little do the Appleboys know of the administration of criminal justice! Pat accompanies him to his carriage, expressing regret that the matter could not[Pg 114] have been disposed of more speedily. Appleboy is not ungenerous. He always tips the colored porter in the sleeping-car most liberally, but although it is obvious, possibly, that Pat would like a drink and some cigars, Appleboy, believing that by accommodating him he would be committing a felony or, at least, a misdemeanor, coldly bids him good-afternoon, and Patrick, crestfallen113, returns to the precinct house.
Meanwhile the magistrate fixes bail for Maria at five hundred dollars, and the teapot is tagged and returned to the custody of the sergeant at the station. Tired out, but feeling that "a duty well performed is a rainbow to the heart," Mr. Appleboy seeks the bosom of his family.
DELAY THE SECOND
Cookless, the Appleboys struggle through the following week. It is in the height of the season and cooks are scarce; they are also ill-tempered; and in five days Mrs. Appleboy has tried and dismissed three. The family, dinnerless, nightly seek a neighboring restaurant, and endeavor to console themselves with the theatre. But after the fourth night this bores them. They begin to long for Maria's omelets and Irish stew114. After fourteen years one gets used to a particular kind of pudding.
"I almost wish," said Appleboy to his wife when they are alone, "that I had not done anything about Maria, but just let her come back and cook for us. I don't think she would have tried to steal the teapot a second time."
"But how do you know, Silas?" replies his wife. "Think of the orgies that may have been going on in the kitchen in the last fourteen years!"
[Pg 115]
"True, true," answers Appleboy, and again renews his determination to see the thing through to the bitter end. Then Mr. Appleboy receives at his office a green slip calling for his attendance on the morrow before the grand jury of the County of New York, promptly115 at ten o'clock. He has never been to the Criminal Courts building in his life. He only supposes vaguely that it is situated116 somewhere near the "wholesale117 district" and not far from the Italian quarter. He associates it with trips to Chinatown, the East Side and the Bowery.
After being thoroughly118 shaken up by a long journey over the cobblestones in his carriage, Mr. Appleboy finds himself on Franklin Street, between the Tombs, on the one hand, and the Criminal Courts building upon the other. Over his head runs "The Bridge of Sighs." A congregation of loafers, lawyers, runners, policemen and reporters linger upon the sidewalk. Unfamiliar with the means of entrance and exit, Appleboy turns the corner and climbs two long flights of stone steps upon the outside of the building instead of utilizing119 the side entrance upon the ground floor and taking the elevator. He enters an enormous hall around which, on all four sides, corridors reach to the top of the building. A motley collection of people are hurrying hither and thither120. After some difficulty, Appleboy discovers a lift packed with odoriferous Italians, men with bandaged eyes and faces, small, half-clad children, and divers persons smoking enormous, evil-smelling cigars, whom he later discovers to be members of the legal profession. The car stops at the third floor.
[Pg 116]
"District attorney and grand jury," calls the elevator man. "Grand jury to the right."
Appleboy gets off with the rest of the mob, and wanders down a narrow corridor past rows of offices, until he comes to a policeman standing by the door of a small room crowded with people. There is hardly space to breathe, much less to sit down. From time to time a bell jingles121 in the distance, a door into another room opens, somebody comes out, and an officer calls out a name. Its owner hastily responds, is shot through the door into the other room, and the door closes again. This process goes on interminably. In a corner, clerks separated by a railing are busily engaged in making out subp?nas and filling in certificates of attendance. Police officers are everywhere. Appleboy takes his stand by the door. It is half-past ten o'clock. He has no means of knowing when he will be summoned before the august body who are deliberating in the next room. He has a craving122 to smoke, although he makes it a rule never to do so before six o'clock in the afternoon. He has left his newspaper at home, and has yielded up his subp?na to the officer at the door. There is nothing to occupy his attention except the sour visages of those about him. They belong to a class of people who instinctively123 fill him with disgust, being representatives of what Appleboy and his wife are accustomed to term the "masses."
Person after person is summoned into the other room, but no one seems to want the banker. Pat is there, to be sure, but he is at his usual pastime, enjoying the delights of mastication124. He no longer has any "use" for Appleboy. At about a quarter-[Pg 117]past eleven, the officer beside the outer door calls the name of Silas Appleboy. Our hero, believing that at last his turn has arrived, starts from his seat, only to be directed to "Come here!" by the officer. He discovers that he has been summoned to confer with a representative of the district attorney, who invites him into a neighboring office.
"Mr. Appleboy," says this young gentleman when the two are comfortably seated, "I see by the papers in the case that a Maria Holohan stole a teapot from you. Under what circumstances was the theft committed?"
Mr. Appleboy, who supposes that the merits of his case have been long since known personally to the district attorney, commences at the beginning and rehearses all his woes125 and difficulties. The assistant listens courteously126, and then, without comment, bows Appleboy out, who returns once more to the ante-chamber127 of the grand jury. His seat has, meanwhile, been usurped128 by a corpulent lady in deep mourning, and its former occupant is forced to stand in the corridor for an hour longer. During this period he perchance has the annoyance129 of hearing Pat remark to a fellow officer in no uncertain tones that "the old guy is no good—a 'dead one'—I didn't even get a smoke off him."
The ante-chamber gradually has been thinning out. Finally Appleboy gets a seat. The bell keeps on ringing until only he and a man with a broken nose are left. At last a policeman hurries out of the open door, the bell rings again, and the clerk at the desk shouts "Appleboy! Appleboy!" Appleboy arises.
"Right in through that door," directs the clerk,[Pg 118] and Mr. Appleboy, shrinking, enters timidly the chamber of horrors and finds himself in the centre of a semi-circle of gentlemen of varying ages and appearance. To Appleboy a thousand eyes seem peering at him from every side. The silence is appalling130. He stands, silk hat in hand, feeling like a very small boy who has been called before the head master to be punished for some offence. A man in the middle of the semi-circle and directly in front of him, is scratching busily with his pen. The grand jurors whisper among themselves. Presently the foreman looks up, observes Appleboy standing, and remarks: "Sit down, sir." Mr. Appleboy sinks into a chair beside the stenographer131. The foreman glances at the indictment132 already prepared, and then says sharply: "Stand up, sir,—and be sworn!"
A Bible is forced into his unenthusiastic hand.
"You do solemnly swear the evidence you shall give to the Grand Inquest upon the complaint against Maria Holohan shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: So help you, God!"
Mr. Appleboy replies faintly: "I do," and makes an ineffectual attempt to kiss the Bible.
"Sit down!" directs his interlocutor. "Ahem! You had a teapot worth over fifty dollars, and your cook stole it? Did you see her?"
"Yes," answers Appleboy, and in a few words describes the occurrence. The foreman sweeps the grand jury with his eye.
"Any questions?" he asks. There is no response from the others.
"That is all, sir," says the foreman. "I see that[Pg 119] the woman pleaded guilty in the police court. Good-morning."
Appleboy takes his hat and retires. Two hours' wait for an examination occupying thirty seconds! He has heard of the "law's delays," now he knows what they are. The bell rings again as he is making his way out into the corridor, and the man with the broken nose stumbles in through the door by which our friend has made his exit.
DELAY THE THIRD
Mr. Appleboy now believes that his troubles are over, for he has consulted his family lawyer in order to make sure that everything is all right, and has learned that since Maria has pleaded guilty in the police court, she will, after her indictment, undoubtedly do likewise in the General Sessions.
Two days later Appleboy receives a subp?na to attend in "Part I of the Court of General Sessions of the Peace" as complainant in the case of "The People of the State of New York against Maria Holohan." Down he goes and sits for a full hour in an ice-cold court-room which is thronged133 with policemen, irate134 complainants, and sympathizing friends of the defendants, until, among the line of bedraggled prisoners, who are brought in batches135 of from four to six from the Tombs through a little door in the back of the room, he recognizes the erstwhile queen of his kitchen—Maria, the unapproachable. She looks much the worse for wear. The feathers of her hat hang disconsolate136. In addition she is minus her collar and goes clumping137 around the room after the policeman as if she had never broiled138 a lobster139 or tossed a flapjack. As she turns the cor[Pg 120]ner by the jury box she spies her lawyer, and immediately brightens. They hold an animated140 conversation in whispers as he takes his place beside her at the bar.
"Maria Holohan," says the clerk severely141, "you have been indicted142 by the grand jury for grand larceny in the first degree. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"
Appleboy starts from his seat almost ready to call out in explanation: "She pleads guilty, your honor," but before he has an opportunity to do so, or to suffer any of the uncomfortable consequences of such an act, the weazened-faced little attorney representing Maria responds sharply: "Not guilty."
Appleboy is stunned143. Why, the woman has already confessed her guilt, after having been caught in the act! What absurdity144! What nonsense! But the plea is taken; the lawyer asks that a date be set for trial not nearer than a week on the ground that he may conclude upon investigation145 to advise his client to change her plea, and because he has a witness living outside the State; and the court grants this application.
Not guilty! As Maria tramps out in company with other defendants, Appleboy makes up his mind that he will see what all this means, and steps forward through the gate to speak in person to the representative of the district attorney. A hand is laid upon his shoulder, and he is hauled back unceremoniously.
"Here! Where are you going?"
"Sit down," replies the officer. "He can't speak[Pg 121] to you now. Look him up in his office after court adjourns148."
Mr. Appleboy, chastened by experience, makes no protest and retires from the room. He has lost too much money already by absence from his office to make it worth his while to wait until the adjournment149 of the court, so he goes down town to attend to his business, and at the first opportunity calls up his attorney to inquire what it all means. The lawyer responds briefly that the mere21 fact that the defendant has pleaded guilty in the police court does not preclude150 her from changing her mind and denying her guilt later when called upon to plead to an indictment. He regrets the inconvenience to which his client has been put, and suggests by implication that it would have been well if Mr. Appleboy had consulted him before taking any action in the matter. Appleboy has already come to this conclusion himself.
DELAY THE FOURTH
A week later Appleboy receives another subp?na which commands him under penalty to call at the district attorney's office at half after ten o'clock and "Ask to see" Mr. John Smith, whom he finds, after some difficulty, in a little office in the same building and corridor through which he passed when he appeared before the grand jury.
"Is this Mr. Smith?" he inquires.
"Yes," answers the young man. "What do you want?"
"I have a subp?na," replies the other, "to see you this morning."
"Oh, yes, I remember," remarks the assistant.[Pg 122] "You're in the Holohan case, aren't you? Woman stole your teapot, didn't she?"
"Yes," mutters Mr. Appleboy, "she did, some time ago. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I want you to tell me about the case," mildly explains the assistant. "Who's Maria Holohan, anyway?"
So Appleboy begins at the beginning and tells the whole story through, while, from time to time, the assistant laughs softly to himself. When the history is concluded, the young man leans back in his chair, blows a ring of smoke towards the ceiling and exclaims: "That's always the way! Some miserable151 little shyster gets hold of 'em in the Tombs and swears that he can get 'em off, no matter how plain the facts are, or even if they have pleaded guilty in the police court. Well, I'll make a note of the case, and when it comes up for trial you'll get a subp?na. Sorry to have had to bother you. Good-morning!"
DELAY THE FIFTH
Appleboy departs. Three days later he gets another subp?na to appear before the Court of General Sessions. When the case is called, however, Maria's lawyer gets up and moves for an inspection152 of the grand jury minutes upon the ground that there was not sufficient evidence before that body to warrant the finding of an indictment. The judge denies this motion peremptorily153, since there has already been a hearing in the police court. Upon this the attorney states that he is actually engaged in a trial of another action elsewhere. The case therefore "goes over," of necessity. Nearly three weeks have now elapsed since the theft. Presently[Pg 123] Appleboy gets another subp?na. He trots154 down to court half an hour before the opening. The case is marked "Ready." He is told to remain in court, but some other case is already on trial, having lasted over from the day before, and at noon it is still in full swing. The court adjourns for an hour, from one to two. Appleboy returns obediently at that time, but the case which was on trial in the morning continues throughout the entire afternoon. He departs at four o'clock, furious.
Next morning he is dragged down again. This time, however, the case against Holohan is adjourned155 without date, owing to the fact that Maria's counsel has applied156 to the court for a commission to take testimony157 in Boston. They intimate that they may interpose the defence of insanity158, or at least dipsomania, and evince an unaccountable eagerness to examine Maria's great aunt, who is acting as general housework girl for a minister's family in Roxbury, Mass. The district attorney strenuously159 opposes this motion. The judge, however, "takes the papers," as he is obliged to assume that the request is made in good faith.
DELAY THE SIXTH
Appleboy hears nothing of the case for another week. At the end of that time he gets a subp?na of a different color, and again journeys down to court. But this time he first seeks out Smith in his office and asks if there is any likelihood of the case being tried that day. Mr. Smith, whose room is thronged with witnesses, tells Mr. Appleboy that he is no longer assigned to that part of the General Sessions on whose calendar the case appears, and[Pg 124] that another assistant, Mr. Jones, will have to try the case. He therefore conducts Mr. Appleboy to an adjoining office and presents him to Jones.
The latter receives Appleboy courteously and assures him that he will try the Holohan case the very first of all. They talk the matter over and unite in their objurgations against defendants' lawyers in general. Jones, however, is confident that this time they will succeed in disposing of the matter. They adjourn147 together to the court-room. But on the call of the calendar Maria's lawyer claims that one of his most material witnesses is absent, and that without him his client's interests would be jeopardized160. The judge, who by this time has correctly gauged161 the situation, nevertheless directs him to go on with the case. The lawyer then states that he has had a bad night and feels very unwell. The judge continues unsympathetic. The assistant is openly skeptical162. The attorney thereupon is suddenly taken with great pain and retires for air to the corridor outside the court-room. Nothing can be done. Perhaps the lawyer really has a pain.
The assistant shrugs163 his shoulders and announces that he will move the case of Michael Angelo Spaghetti, indicted for assault; the defendant is ordered to the bar, and the court directs the clerk to announce that "no other case will be tried" that day.
Appleboy drags himself with the rest of the throng through the door into the corridor. This is the third time he has practically given up an entire morning to appearing as complainant in a case which seems fated never to be tried. He goes downstairs swearing vengeance164 against Maria and her[Pg 125] lawyer. This performance is repeated possibly some four or five times more with variations. But he never gets nearer than having the case marked "ready," and something always intervenes, Maria's lawyer exhibiting an almost supernatural cleverness in the invention of excuses.
On all these occasions, while awaiting the call of the calendar, Appleboy is likely to sit in close proximity165 to the defendant, who has been released on bail pending166 her trial, and who casts withering167 glances in his direction. Her brother Terence also seizes the opportunity presented by the various adjournments to tell Appleboy what he thinks of him and what he intends to do to him after the case has been disposed of.
The district attorney has done everything in his power to force the defence to trial, but his every attempt has been unavailing. Nevertheless, Appleboy blames him personally for every idiosyncrasy of the law and for every delay procured168 by the defence.
DELAY THE SEVENTH
It was now the end of June. Mr. Appleboy has planned to take his family abroad, but, although the annual adjournment of court for vacation is at hand, through the dilatory169 tactics of Maria's pettifogging counsel, the case is still untried.
Appleboy had been in attendance at court eleven separate times, but the only satisfaction which he receives is the assurance that he will be paid fifty cents for each one of his subp?nas. He is by this time so disgusted with the whole business and has taken such a fierce dislike to all judges, district at[Pg 126]torneys, policemen and lawyers, that he would long ago have thrown up the case had it not been for the fact that he has a vague idea that in so doing he might be compounding a felony. His desire to set an example as a model citizen has long since evaporated. Countless170 members of the Holohan family beset171 him at home and at the office, beseeching172 him for clemency173.
It is possible that without consulting the district attorney, and under the assumption that he must remain at hand as a witness, he gives up Europe and takes a house on the mosquito coast instead. His wife is very unpleasant about it. She hints that Appleboy need not have been so vindictive174 in the first place. After he has cancelled his passage, and the whole family are safely ensconced for the summer, Appleboy discovers that cases in which the defendants have been released upon bail are not tried during July, August, and September. Appleboy's feeling can be easily imagined. It is needless to say that he does not impart the information to his lady.
The summer proves generally unsatisfactory. The visits of Maria's family and their efforts to persuade him not to prosecute175 are redoubled. Most of them are domestics on their evenings "out," plentiful176 of tears and reproaches. It is impossible to escape them. He also receives numerous letters from the lady's attorney suggesting that he call at the latter's office. These he has systematically177 ignored.
DELAY THE EIGHTH
October comes. The family return. Once more the familiar subp?na is served upon our hero at his office. At the sight of it he scowls178 fiercely as he[Pg 127] watches the white smoke sailing up the air shaft179 into the azure180 of the sky. It is a beautiful autumn day. He recalls the police court, and the grand jury, the Criminal Courts building, the General Sessions, and Maria and Terence, and his miserable summer! Vestryman Appleboy mutters something very much resembling profanity. He thinks: "If I had not tried to punish that cook for stealing the teapot, why!—I might be spending to-day in Rome or Paris!" The next morning, however, finds him once more on his dreary181 way to court.
He consults Jones again upstairs, who promises by all that is holy that nothing shall prevent a trial. The case is marked "Ready," without opposition182, and the assistant district attorney moves the indictment.
"Maria Holohan to the bar!" calls the clerk, as a jury is rapidly empanelled.
Appleboy is exultant183. He is to reap the reward of virtue184 and fidelity185 to principle. At last the criminal is to be made to pay the penalty. He looks eagerly for Maria.
"Holohan! Maria Holohan!" reiterates186 the clerk.
But Maria comes not.
"Call her in the corridor," directs the judge to the officer at the door.
There is a sudden silence in the court-room. No response is heard outside.
The assistant district attorney says something to the judge, who nods to the clerk.
"Maria Holohan, come forth47 and answer pursuant to the terms of your recognizance or your recognizance will be forfeited," shouts that official.
There is no reply.
[Pg 128]
"Terence Holohan, bring forth Maria Holohan, for whom you are bound pursuant to the terms of your recognizance, or your recognizance will be forfeited," solemnly intones the clerk.
Terence arises and comes slowly forward from where he has been sitting.
"Are you the bondsman in this case?" asks the clerk.
"Oi am!" replies Terence.
"Where is the defendant?"
Terence looked sheepish.
"Where is the defendant?" repeats the clerk sharply.
"In Ireland! Bad cess to her!" answers Terence. "And divil a bit can Oi bring her forth," he murmurs188, "whin she's in the ould country!"
Appleboy grasps the arm of the assistant.
"What's the trouble?" he asks anxiously.
"She's skipped!" answers the other with a grim laugh. "That's all."
"H—l!—I mean, thank God!" exclaims Vestryman Appleboy.
This, gentle reader, is what might happen to you if your cook should steal the teapot.
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1
undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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undertaking
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| n.保证，许诺，事业 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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requisite
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| adj.需要的，必不可少的；n.必需品 | |
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larceny
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| n.盗窃（罪） | |
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ascending
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| adj.上升的，向上的 | |
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7
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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protruding
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| v.（使某物）伸出，（使某物）突出( protrude的现在分词 )；凸 | |
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spout
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| v.喷出，涌出；滔滔不绝地讲；n.喷管；水柱 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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descends
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| v.下来( descend的第三人称单数 )；下去；下降；下斜 | |
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13
puffing
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| v.使喷出( puff的现在分词 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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pawnbroker
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| n.典当商，当铺老板 | |
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shrieks
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| n.尖叫声( shriek的名词复数 )v.尖叫( shriek的第三人称单数 ) | |
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exertions
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| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
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cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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18
implores
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的第三人称单数 ) | |
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obdurate
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| adj.固执的，顽固的 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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21
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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22
prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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23
conversing
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的现在分词 ) | |
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24
urchin
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| n.顽童；海胆 | |
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shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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26
procure
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| vt.获得，取得，促成；vi.拉皮条 | |
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27
embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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28
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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29
dawdles
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| v.混（时间）( dawdle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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30
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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31
coma
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| n.昏迷，昏迷状态 | |
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32
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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33
throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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34
pedestrians
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| n.步行者( pedestrian的名词复数 ) | |
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vagrant
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| n.流浪者，游民；adj.流浪的，漂泊不定的 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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37
swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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38
taxpayer
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| n.纳税人 | |
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39
vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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40
genially
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| adv.亲切地，和蔼地；快活地 | |
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41
whoop
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| n.大叫，呐喊，喘息声；v.叫喊，喘息 | |
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42
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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43
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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44
reposes
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的第三人称单数 ) | |
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45
hysterically
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| ad. 歇斯底里地 | |
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46
wails
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| 痛哭，哭声( wail的名词复数 ) | |
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47
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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48
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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49
vociferous
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| adj.喧哗的，大叫大嚷的 | |
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50
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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51
collapses
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| 折叠( collapse的第三人称单数 )； 倒塌； 崩溃； （尤指工作劳累后）坐下 | |
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52
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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53
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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54
obstruct
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| v.阻隔，阻塞(道路、通道等)；n.阻碍物，障碍物 | |
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55
gratuitous
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| adj.无偿的，免费的；无缘无故的，不必要的 | |
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56
wagons
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| n.四轮的运货马车( wagon的名词复数 )；铁路货车；小手推车 | |
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57
wagon
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| n.四轮马车，手推车，面包车；无盖运货列车 | |
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58
scatters
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| v.（使）散开， （使）分散，驱散( scatter的第三人称单数 )；撒 | |
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59
extricate
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| v.拯救，救出；解脱 | |
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60
coppers
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| 铜( copper的名词复数 )； 铜币 | |
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61
fumes
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| n.(强烈而刺激的)气味，气体 | |
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62
fume
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| n.(usu pl.)(浓烈或难闻的)烟，气，汽 | |
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63
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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64
complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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65
belligerent
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| adj.好战的，挑起战争的；n.交战国，交战者 | |
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66
guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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67
repelling
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| v.击退( repel的现在分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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inquisitive
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| adj.求知欲强的，好奇的，好寻根究底的 | |
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69
sergeant
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| n.警官，中士 | |
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70
interrogates
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| n.询问( interrogate的名词复数 )；审问；（在计算机或其他机器上）查询v.询问( interrogate的第三人称单数 )；审问；（在计算机或其他机器上）查询 | |
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71
defendant
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| n.被告；adj.处于被告地位的 | |
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72
laboriously
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| adv.艰苦地；费力地；辛勤地；（文体等）佶屈聱牙地 | |
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73
petrified
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| adj.惊呆的；目瞪口呆的v.使吓呆，使惊呆；变僵硬；使石化(petrify的过去式和过去分词) | |
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74
magistrate
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| n.地方行政官，地方法官，治安官 | |
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75
detention
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| n.滞留，停留；拘留，扣留；(教育)留下 | |
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76
bail
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| v.舀（水），保释；n.保证金，保释，保释人 | |
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77
untold
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| adj.数不清的，无数的 | |
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78
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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79
prospective
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| adj.预期的，未来的，前瞻性的 | |
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80
custody
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| n.监护，照看，羁押，拘留 | |
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81
picturesquely
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82
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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83
cower
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| v.畏缩，退缩，抖缩 | |
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84
majestic
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| adj.雄伟的，壮丽的，庄严的，威严的，崇高的 | |
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85
pompous
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| adj.傲慢的，自大的；夸大的；豪华的 | |
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86
vindicate
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| v.为…辩护或辩解，辩明；证明…正确 | |
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87
divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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88
defendants
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| 被告( defendant的名词复数 ) | |
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89
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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90
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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91
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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92
beckons
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的第三人称单数 ) | |
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bawls
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| v.大叫，大喊( bawl的第三人称单数 )；放声大哭；大声叫出；叫卖（货物） | |
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94
roundsman
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| n.推销员；稽查员 | |
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95
guardian
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| n.监护人；守卫者，保护者 | |
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96
vigor
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| n.活力，精力，元气 | |
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97
besieging
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| 包围，围困，围攻( besiege的现在分词 ) | |
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98
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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parlance
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| n.说法；语调 | |
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100
arraigned
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| v.告发( arraign的过去式和过去分词 )；控告；传讯；指责 | |
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101
interrogator
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| n.讯问者；审问者；质问者；询问器 | |
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102
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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103
deported
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| v.将…驱逐出境( deport的过去式和过去分词 )；举止 | |
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104
deposition
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| n.免职，罢官；作证；沉淀；沉淀物 | |
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105
leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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106
respite
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| n.休息，中止，暂缓 | |
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107
monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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108
ooze
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| n.软泥，渗出物；vi.渗出，泄漏；vt.慢慢渗出，流露 | |
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109
dowdy
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| adj.不整洁的；过旧的 | |
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110
delinquent
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| adj.犯法的，有过失的；n.违法者 | |
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111
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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112
vagaries
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| n.奇想( vagary的名词复数 )；异想天开；异常行为；难以预测的情况 | |
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113
crestfallen
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| adj. 挫败的，失望的，沮丧的 | |
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114
stew
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| n.炖汤，焖，烦恼；v.炖汤，焖，忧虑 | |
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115
promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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116
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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117
wholesale
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| n.批发；adv.以批发方式；vt.批发，成批出售 | |
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118
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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119
utilizing
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| v.利用，使用( utilize的现在分词 ) | |
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120
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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121
jingles
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| 叮当声( jingle的名词复数 )； 节拍十分规则的简单诗歌 | |
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122
craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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123
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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124
mastication
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| n.咀嚼 | |
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125
woes
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| 困境( woe的名词复数 )； 悲伤； 我好苦哇； 某人就要倒霉 | |
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126
courteously
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| adv.有礼貌地，亲切地 | |
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127
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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128
usurped
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| 篡夺，霸占( usurp的过去式和过去分词 )； 盗用； 篡夺，篡权 | |
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129
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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130
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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131
stenographer
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| n.速记员 | |
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132
indictment
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| n.起诉；诉状 | |
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133
thronged
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| v.成群，挤满( throng的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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134
irate
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| adj.发怒的，生气 | |
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135
batches
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| 一批( batch的名词复数 )； 一炉； （食物、药物等的）一批生产的量； 成批作业 | |
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136
disconsolate
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| adj.忧郁的，不快的 | |
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137
clumping
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| v.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的现在分词 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声 | |
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138
broiled
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| a.烤过的 | |
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139
lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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140
animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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141
severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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142
indicted
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| 控告，起诉( indict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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143
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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144
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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145
investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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146
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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147
adjourn
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| v.（使）休会，（使）休庭 | |
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148
adjourns
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| （使）休会， （使）休庭( adjourn的第三人称单数 ) | |
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149
adjournment
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| 休会； 延期； 休会期； 休庭期 | |
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150
preclude
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| vt.阻止，排除，防止；妨碍 | |
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151
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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152
inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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153
peremptorily
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| adv.紧急地，不容分说地，专横地 | |
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154
trots
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| 小跑，急走( trot的名词复数 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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155
adjourned
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| （使）休会， （使）休庭( adjourn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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156
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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157
testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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158
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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159
strenuously
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| adv.奋发地，费力地 | |
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160
jeopardized
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| 危及，损害( jeopardize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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161
gauged
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| adj.校准的；标准的；量规的；量计的v.（用仪器）测量( gauge的过去式和过去分词 )；估计；计量；划分 | |
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162
skeptical
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| adj.怀疑的，多疑的 | |
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163
shrugs
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| n.耸肩（以表示冷淡，怀疑等）( shrug的名词复数 ) | |
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164
vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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165
proximity
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| n.接近，邻近 | |
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166
pending
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| prep.直到，等待…期间；adj.待定的；迫近的 | |
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167
withering
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| 使人畏缩的，使人害羞的，使人难堪的 | |
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168
procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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169
dilatory
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| adj.迟缓的，不慌不忙的 | |
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170
countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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171
beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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172
beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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173
clemency
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| n.温和，仁慈，宽厚 | |
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174
vindictive
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| adj.有报仇心的，怀恨的，惩罚的 | |
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175
prosecute
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| vt.告发；进行；vi.告发，起诉，作检察官 | |
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176
plentiful
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| adj.富裕的，丰富的 | |
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177
systematically
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| adv.有系统地 | |
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178
scowls
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| 不悦之色，怒容( scowl的名词复数 ) | |
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179
shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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180
azure
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| adj.天蓝色的，蔚蓝色的 | |
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181
dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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182
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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183
exultant
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| adj.欢腾的，狂欢的，大喜的 | |
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184
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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185
fidelity
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| n.忠诚，忠实；精确 | |
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186
reiterates
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| 反复地说，重申( reiterate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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187
forfeit
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| vt.丧失；n.罚金，罚款，没收物 | |
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188
murmurs
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| n.低沉、连续而不清的声音( murmur的名词复数 )；低语声；怨言；嘀咕 | |
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