THE memory of that portrait left Felix bewildered and irritated. It seemed that no one else saw in it quite what he had seen. Rose-Ann praised it—but with some reserve which made him feel that she did not really like it. Clive was delighted with the certainty with which the painter had captured his characteristic gesture.... Only he himself, apparently1, saw it as a criticism, profound and harsh....
The painter herself least of all saw it as a criticism. “Is that what you really think of me?” he had asked her.
“I don’t think when I paint pictures,” she had said. “I’m too busy working out the problems of form and colour. Don’t you like it?”
“I like it as a picture. I don’t like it as a—a prophecy,” he said.
“A prophecy? Oh, there you come with your literary interpretations3. Can’t you forget that stuff, and learn to look at a picture as a picture?”
She had ceased to be the Sybil, and become again the careless bohemian girl-artist, talking the talk of her tribe.... Pictures were just pictures—yes, he had heard that before.
Morose4 and fretful, he walked up and down in the studio in the evening, rejecting Rose-Ann’s plans for other entertainment; or sat at his desk, exasperatedly trying to force himself to begin work on some half-formed idea for a play. He was angry at himself for being the indecisive, inadequate5 figure of that painting. He saw now what being an artist meant—the calm energy, the technical erudition, the vast patience that was needed. He wished to be that kind of 260person. And the more he wished it, the more weak and petulant6 he seemed to himself. And what must he seem to Rose-Ann? She must despise him in her heart....
For a week he fidgeted and fumed7 about the studio, ashamed of his childish behaviour and yet unable to control it. He wondered why Rose-Ann did not tell him what she really thought of him.... It was as if he were trying, by a more and more outrageous9 parade of his weakness, to force her to break silence and speak out.
Late one afternoon, when he had crumpled10 up the sheet of paper on which he had been trying to write, and thrown it on the floor with a silly gesture of failure, she put down her sewing and came up to him.
She put her hand on his shoulder.
“What is the matter, Felix, dear?” she asked.
He drew himself away. “I wish you would let me alone,” he said.
“Very well,” Rose-Ann said gently, and went and put on her hat and cloak and left the studio.
2
For a moment he sat there, looking at the door through which she had gone with a sudden sense of utter desolation.
They had had quarrels before, but this was different. He had driven her away.... It would serve him right if she never came back....
Why had he been making such a fool of himself? Why had he been behaving like a silly child?
And all at once he felt that he knew the answer.... He was worrying about that damned job of his.
Rose-Ann had taken it for granted that he was secure in his position. He had pretended to weigh his chances, pro2 and con8.... And all the while he had been deeply convinced that he was about to lose his momentary11 distinction. Hawkins’s play was being tried out again, this week. It would fail, he would give up his foolishness, return to Chicago, and Felix would be back precisely12 where he had started. That, of course, though he had not told Rose-Ann, 261was why he had felt she was right in not wanting to have children right away.
It was this impending13 crisis in his career that secretly worried him. For nearly a year he had been a dramatic critic—and he was about to lose his job. It was a degradation14 intolerable to contemplate15, but impossible to prevent. How could he prevent it? In romantic novels, the hero wins his spurs. But there were, so to speak, only one pair of critical spurs at the disposal of the Chronicle, and they belonged to Hawkins! In a magazine story, Felix would go over to another paper and get a better job. But Felix disbelieved in his ability to hold with any distinction any ordinary reporter’s job. By some fluke he had made good as a dramatic critic. He saw people on the elevated turning the paper inside out to read first of all his column about the new play. He knew he had made good. But—dramatic editorships do not grow on blackberry bushes; dramatic critics die in their shoes at an advanced age. Hawkins’s folly16 had given him such a chance as would never happen again in a hundred years.
A chance? A brief hour of glory. An hour for Rose-Ann to be proud of him, to believe that he had risen by force of character to these heights, that he would continue to rise.... She would find out that it had been mere17 luck. She would find out that he could not even keep a job as a dramatic critic, let alone become a playwright18. She would discover him for what he was—a weak, helpless, scared child.
That was why he had been behaving like a fool before her—to show her beforehand that he didn’t amount to anything.
Suddenly he commenced to laugh. The mood of the last week had vanished—it merely seemed funny now. Another attack of moon-calfishness, that was all! That painter-girl had awed19 him with her astounding20 technique, made him feel incompetent21 and helpless—thrown him back into a state of adolescent self-distrust. Yes, it was her fault, the pretentious22 hussy! And what, after all her fussing, did that picture of hers amount to? An ordinary portrait, that was 262all, with a touch of easy caricature in it.... Damn her!
And what if Hawkins did come back and take away his laurels23? There were other jobs in the world. If not in Chicago, then—
Yes, in New York....
It didn’t make any difference what happened. He had been silly to worry about things. He would never worry again about anything. Rose-Ann was right. One must live fearlessly....
He wished Rose-Ann would come back....
3
The door opened, and she was there. He sprang up.
She shut the door behind her and put her back against it, and her hands, as if to support herself.
Felix stood staring at her in surprise. She was pale, and she had a heroic air, somehow. She tried to speak—twice—and made no sound, only a movement of the throat and lips.
“What’s the matter?” he asked anxiously, going up to her.
She put out her hands, as if to hold him away, and let them rest on his shoulders. She looked at him earnestly.
“Felix,” she said. “Felix.... I know what is troubling you.”
“Yes?” he said, confusedly.
“It’s that girl. You’re in love with her, Felix. Well—I keep my promise. You—you can—”
“What girl?” he asked, amazed.
“Dorothy!” she cried. “You’re in love with her. I knew it all along.”
“What!”
“Yes. I can’t bear to see you unhappy. I’d rather—”
He laughed and took her in his arms. “Little fool!” he said. “Little silly child! Dear little idiot!”
She burst out crying, and put her head on his shoulder.
“I’m not in love with anybody, you goose, except you,” he said. “What made you think I was? I suppose I have 263been acting24 crazy. I know I have. But it’s a different kind of craziness. I was worrying about—my job.”
“Your job?” She looked up from his shoulder. “Have you heard already? I just left Clive at the corner.”
“Clive? Heard what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“He was coming down to tell you the news. You don’t know it? Well—a telegram came this afternoon. From Hawkins. He’s resigned. And you’ve been appointed in his place.”
“Really!”
“Yes, of course. I knew that was what would happen. But Felix—are you sure?” She meant about Dorothy.
“You’re crazier than I am, Rose-Ann—that’s all.”
“Well—” and she dried her tears. “I guess I am a fool.... But Felix—I left Clive at the corner drug-store. I was very mysterious, and said he mustn’t come here to the studio, but that he was to wait there for me.”
“What for?”
“I—told him I wanted him to help me celebrate an—occasion. But—”
“What kind of occasion?” Felix asked sternly. “Did you tell him any of this nonsensical—”
“No, Felix, I didn’t tell him anything. But—but we can still celebrate an occasion, Felix.”
“You mean my job?”
“No—I mean the—the anniversary of our marriage....”
“You poor abused darling! What an idiot I am!” And he took her in his arms again.
“I’ll wash my face, and be sensible now,” she said. “You go and get Clive, and—and we’ll celebrate!”
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收听单词发音
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1
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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2
pro
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| n.赞成，赞成的意见，赞成者 | |
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3
interpretations
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| n.解释( interpretation的名词复数 )；表演；演绎；理解 | |
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4
morose
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| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
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5
inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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6
petulant
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| adj.性急的，暴躁的 | |
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7
fumed
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| 愤怒( fume的过去式和过去分词 )； 大怒； 发怒； 冒烟 | |
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8
con
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| n.反对的观点，反对者，反对票，肺病；vt.精读，学习，默记；adv.反对地，从反面；adj.欺诈的 | |
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9
outrageous
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| adj.无理的，令人不能容忍的 | |
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10
crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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11
momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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12
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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13
impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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14
degradation
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| n.降级；低落；退化；陵削；降解；衰变 | |
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15
contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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16
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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17
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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18
playwright
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| n.剧作家，编写剧本的人 | |
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19
awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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20
astounding
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| adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊，使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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21
incompetent
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| adj.无能力的，不能胜任的 | |
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22
pretentious
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| adj.自命不凡的，自负的，炫耀的 | |
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23
laurels
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| n.桂冠，荣誉 | |
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24
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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