THE foundations of Felix’s existence seemed to crack and fall apart, the whole edifice1 of thought and emotion in which he lived to topple and tumble in ruins.
“No,” he said slowly, “——I didn’t know.”
They turned, and walked down the street toward the corner, side by side. At the corner they paused, and looked at each other helplessly.
“Yes, I do too know,” Felix said. “I must have always known.”
They stood looking at each other for a moment, and then turned back, walking along the street in silence, past the door of the house, to the corner, where they stopped again.
“I couldn’t stand it,” Phyllis said, “not to tell you. It hurt so—to have to keep it a secret, as if it were something to be ashamed of. And I thought—if there is anything in this modernism—this talk—if it really means anything, if it isn’t all just a damned fake—I could tell you. I wanted to. I had to, Felix.”
Yes ... of course. That was the meaning of it all....
“You aren’t angry at me, Felix, for telling you?”
No——he wasn’t angry. It seemed to him magnificent——the simplicity3, the bravery, the candour of that confession4. She was to him in that moment a person more quietly sure of herself, more nobly honest, than anything in all this tangled5 insincerity of modern life——a creature out of some poem of the world’s youth. Beside him, as she walked, her very person seemed magnified—her soft brown hair, her dark quiet eyes, her serene6 mouth, seemed the features of an 318epic heroine, who faced life strong-limbed, clear-eyed and unafraid. She was the embodiment of that calm, serene, strong girl-goddess who had been with him a recurring7 love-dream since childhood. The beauty, the simplicity, of that confession of love stirred him to the depths of his emotions.... And he realized that he had something to confess in return—something that this honesty of hers required of him. But they had turned again and walked back to the other corner before he could say it. It came with difficulty, with an effort that took all his courage, all his strength. And yet it must be said....
“I love you, too, Phyllis.”
She looked up at him, as if puzzled, startled, incredulous.
“I didn’t know it till just this moment—but it’s true.”
“But—why?” She put her hand as if defensively to her bosom8, to ward2 off a danger she had not apprehended9.
“Why should you love me?”
He pondered. “I don’t know. Why do people love each other? I don’t know.”
“You love me!” she repeated, as if it were a problem for which she were seeking the answer.
“Yes,” Felix said soberly.
“But then—”
She did not finish her sentence, and they turned and walked again slowly back to the other corner.
“That makes a difference,” she said. “I never thought of that. It was all so simple before.”
“Are you sorry I—love you?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I don’t dare realize it. Of course I’m glad—and sorry, too—and frightened. Oh, Felix, what shall we do?”
Felix had no sense of the street upon which he walked. He was detached from everything, except the knowledge of what had happened—that little cleared space of certainties, 319about which was a whirling chaos12 in which all things fell confusedly into nothingness....
He realized that he had to adjust this thing that had happened, to all the rest of his life, to Rose-Ann, to his marriage, to his career. The sense of those things, even of Rose-Ann, came slowly; his mind was reluctant to face them. He wanted to stay here, in this cleared space in which one thing was beautifully true. But already that moment was passing. With the sense of those other things, this that had happened was no longer beautiful, but terrible—a burden, a problem....
He shook his head as if to free it from heaviness, the intolerable weight of thought. But he must think.... Was it true that he cared for nothing but this moment of mad beauty? Rose-Ann, his marriage, his home, his plans, his future—was it true that these things meant nothing to him? Could he forget them all in an instant? Had a word, a phrase, shattered the whole edifice of his life? Was all this elaborate structure of plans and ambitions, this sober adjustment to the world of solid reality, a bubble that vanished at a touch?
That was what he had been afraid of, that day in the hospital, when he had tried to tell Rose-Ann about himself. He had wanted to tell her what a fool he was. He had wanted to assure her that he would be such a fool no longer. And he had not had the courage. She had taken him as he was. She had exacted no promises.... Well, this was what he was like—this!
No—he must be sane13. Just because this moment seemed the only thing in the world worth holding to, just because he wanted to stay in this dream-world, just because he cared about nothing else, he must fight his way back to reality. He must not surrender. This was the test: whether he could be a sane man, or must spend his whole life in the following of disconnected impulses, a vagabond and a fool. He wanted to keep this beauty: well, then, he must give it up.
320They had stopped again, at the other corner. Phyllis regarded him quietly with troubled eyes. “Rose-Ann....” she said.
“Yes. I know. Rose-Ann. And everything.”
“No. We can’t,” she said.
“No. We mustn’t.”
They looked at each other bravely, and a little pitifully, and recommenced their silent promenade14 along the deserted15 street.
At the door, she stopped firmly, and held out her hand. “You must go,” she said. “Good night. I’m—glad, in spite of everything. Good night.”
He held her hand in his, desperately16 anxious to keep this moment’s beauty a little longer, before he returned to the world of reality. “Will you—kiss me?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“Not even in good-bye?” he urged.
She laughed, with a sudden resumption of lightness. “A good-bye kiss? There’s no such thing, Felix! A kiss is always the beginning of things.—Good night!” She held his hand a moment, and added in the most friendly way, as if they were almost strangers, “I shall see you at the ball tomorrow night?”
2
He turned away, glad that she had been so sane—and sorry. Angry at her, for no reason. Happy that he was going home to Rose-Ann—to Rose-Ann, lovely and real now in his mind—out of all this madness!
He commenced to whistle tunelessly....
And then, as if brought by the night-breeze, a breath of dream-nostalgia overwhelmed him, making him dizzy and faint. He stopped, trembling all over....
By God, he must get over this.... He must get back to reality.
And Rose-Ann must help him. He would tell her everything.... He opened the door of the studio and cried out 321her name, like a frightened child come back to its mother.
“Yes?” she called back. She was sitting up in bed, sewing spangles on her costume for the ball tomorrow night.
He suddenly realized that everything was all right—that there was nothing to tell.
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收听单词发音
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1
edifice
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| n.宏伟的建筑物(如宫殿，教室) | |
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2
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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3
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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4
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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5
tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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6
serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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7
recurring
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| adj.往复的，再次发生的 | |
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8
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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9
apprehended
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| 逮捕，拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 )； 理解 | |
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10
awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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12
chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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13
sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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14
promenade
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| n./v.散步 | |
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15
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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16
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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