About twenty minutes after leaving Cape2 Girádeau, the above was growled4 out over his shoulder by the Missourian to a chance stranger who had just accosted5 him; a round-backed, baker-kneed man, in a mean five-dollar suit, wearing, collar-wise by a chain, a small brass6 plate, inscribed7 P. I. O., and who, with a sort of canine8 deprecation, slunk obliquely9 behind.
"How did you come to dream that I wanted anything in your line, eh?"
"Oh, respected sir," whined10 the other, crouching11 a pace nearer, and, in his obsequiousness12, seeming to wag his very coat-tails behind him, shabby though they were, "oh, sir, from long experience, one glance tells me the gentleman who is in need of our humble13 services."
"But suppose I did want a boy—what they jocosely15 call a good boy—how could your absurd office help me?—Philosophical Intelligence Office?" [177]
"Look you—come up here—how, by philosophy or physiology17 either, make good boys to order? Come up here. Don't give me a crick in the neck. Come up here, come, sir, come," calling as if to his pointer. "Tell me, how put the requisite18 assortment19 of good qualities into a boy, as the assorted20 mince21 into the pie?"
"Respected sir, our office——"
"You talk much of that office. Where is it? On board this boat?"
"Oh no, sir, I just came aboard. Our office——"
"Came aboard at that last landing, eh? Pray, do you know a herb-doctor there? Smooth scamp in a snuff-colored surtout?"
"Oh, sir, I was but a sojourner22 at Cape Girádeau. Though, now that you mention a snuff-colored surtout, I think I met such a man as you speak of stepping ashore23 as I stepped aboard, and 'pears to me I have seen him somewhere before. Looks like a very mild Christian24 sort of person, I should say. Do you know him, respected sir?"
"Not much, but better than you seem to. Proceed with your business."
With a low, shabby bow, as grateful for the permission, the other began: "Our office——"
"Look you," broke in the bachelor with ire, "have you the spinal25 complaint? What are you ducking and groveling about? Keep still. Where's your office?" [178]
"The branch one which I represent, is at Alton, sir, in the free state we now pass," (pointing somewhat proudly ashore).
"Free, eh? You a freeman, you flatter yourself? With those coat-tails and that spinal complaint of servility? Free? Just cast up in your private mind who is your master, will you?"
"Oh, oh, oh! I don't understand—indeed—indeed. But, respected sir, as before said, our office, founded on principles wholly new——"
"To the devil with your principles! Bad sign when a man begins to talk of his principles. Hold, come back, sir; back here, back, sir, back! I tell you no more boys for me. Nay26, I'm a Mede and Persian. In my old home in the woods I'm pestered27 enough with squirrels, weasels, chipmunks28, skunks29. I want no more wild vermin to spoil my temper and waste my substance. Don't talk of boys; enough of your boys; a plague of your boys; chilblains on your boys! As for Intelligence Offices, I've lived in the East, and know 'em. Swindling concerns kept by low-born cynics, under a fawning30 exterior31 wreaking32 their cynic malice33 upon mankind. You are a fair specimen34 of 'em."
"Oh dear, dear, dear!"
"Dear? Yes, a thrice dear purchase one of your boys would be to me. A rot on your boys!"
"But, respected sir, if you will not have boys, might we not, in our small way, accommodate you with a man?"
"Accommodate? Pray, no doubt you could accommodate [179] me with a bosom-friend too, couldn't you? Accommodate! Obliging word accommodate: there's accommodation notes now, where one accommodates another with a loan, and if he don't pay it pretty quickly, accommodates him, with a chain to his foot. Accommodate! God forbid that I should ever be accommodated. No, no. Look you, as I told that cousin-german of yours, the herb-doctor, I'm now on the road to get me made some sort of machine to do my work. Machines for me. My cider-mill—does that ever steal my cider? My mowing-machine—does that ever lay a-bed mornings? My corn-husker—does that ever give me insolence35? No: cider-mill, mowing-machine, corn-husker—all faithfully attend to their business. Disinterested36, too; no board, no wages; yet doing good all their lives long; shining examples that virtue37 is its own reward—the only practical Christians38 I know."
"Oh dear, dear, dear, dear!"
"Yes, sir:—boys? Start my soul-bolts, what a difference, in a moral point of view, between a corn-husker and a boy! Sir, a corn-husker, for its patient continuance in well-doing, might not unfitly go to heaven. Do you suppose a boy will?"
"A corn-husker in heaven! (turning up the whites of his eyes). Respected sir, this way of talking as if heaven were a kind of Washington patent-office museum—oh, oh, oh!—as if mere39 machine-work and puppet-work went to heaven—oh, oh, oh! Things incapable40 of free agency, to receive the eternal reward of well-doing—oh, oh, oh!" [180]
"You Praise-God-Barebones you, what are you groaning41 about? Did I say anything of that sort? Seems to me, though you talk so good, you are mighty42 quick at a hint the other way, or else you want to pick a polemic43 quarrel with me."
"It may be so or not, respected sir," was now the demure44 reply; "but if it be, it is only because as a soldier out of honor is quick in taking affront45, so a Christian out of religion is quick, sometimes perhaps a little too much so, in spying heresy46."
"Well," after an astonished pause, "for an unaccountable pair, you and the herb-doctor ought to yoke47 together."
So saying, the bachelor was eying him rather sharply, when he with the brass plate recalled him to the discussion by a hint, not unflattering, that he (the man with the brass plate) was all anxiety to hear him further on the subject of servants.
"About that matter," exclaimed the impulsive48 bachelor, going off at the hint like a rocket, "all thinking minds are, now-a-days, coming to the conclusion—one derived49 from an immense hereditary51 experience—see what Horace and others of the ancients say of servants—coming to the conclusion, I say, that boy or man, the human animal is, for most work-purposes, a losing animal. Can't be trusted; less trustworthy than oxen; for conscientiousness53 a turn-spit dog excels him. Hence these thousand new inventions—carding machines, horseshoe machines, tunnel-boring machines, reaping machines, apple-paring machines, boot-blacking machines, [181] sewing machines, shaving machines, run-of-errand machines, dumb-waiter machines, and the Lord-only-knows-what machines; all of which announce the era when that refractory54 animal, the working or serving man, shall be a buried by-gone, a superseded55 fossil. Shortly prior to which glorious time, I doubt not that a price will be put upon their peltries as upon the knavish56 'possums,' especially the boys. Yes, sir (ringing his rifle down on the deck), I rejoice to think that the day is at hand, when, prompted to it by law, I shall shoulder this gun and go out a boy-shooting."
"Oh, now! Lord, Lord, Lord!—But our office, respected sir, conducted as I ventured to observe——"
"No, sir," bristlingly settling his stubble chin in his coon-skins. "Don't try to oil me; the herb-doctor tried that. My experience, carried now through a course—worse than salivation—a course of five and thirty boys, proves to me that boyhood is a natural state of rascality57."
"Save us, save us!"
"Yes, sir, yes. My name is Pitch; I stick to what I say. I speak from fifteen years' experience; five and thirty boys; American, Irish, English, German, African, Mulatto; not to speak of that China boy sent me by one who well knew my perplexities, from California; and that Lascar boy from Bombay. Thug! I found him sucking the embryo59 life from my spring eggs. All rascals60, sir, every soul of them; Caucasian or Mongol. Amazing the endless variety of rascality in human nature of the juvenile61 sort. I remember that, having discharged, [182] one after another, twenty-nine boys—each, too, for some wholly unforeseen species of viciousness peculiar62 to that one peculiar boy—I remember saying to myself: Now, then, surely, I have got to the end of the list, wholly exhausted63 it; I have only now to get me a boy, any boy different from those twenty-nine preceding boys, and he infallibly shall be that virtuous64 boy I have so long been seeking. But, bless me! this thirtieth boy—by the way, having at the time long forsworn your intelligence offices, I had him sent to me from the Commissioners65 of Emigration, all the way from New York, culled66 out carefully, in fine, at my particular request, from a standing67 army of eight hundred boys, the flowers of all nations, so they wrote me, temporarily in barracks on an East River island—I say, this thirtieth boy was in person not ungraceful; his deceased mother a lady's maid, or something of that sort; and in manner, why, in a plebeian68 way, a perfect Chesterfield; very intelligent, too—quick as a flash. But, such suavity69! 'Please sir! please sir!' always bowing and saying, 'Please sir.' In the strangest way, too, combining a filial affection with a menial respect. Took such warm, singular interest in my affairs. Wanted to be considered one of the family—sort of adopted son of mine, I suppose. Of a morning, when I would go out to my stable, with what childlike good nature he would trot70 out my nag71, 'Please sir, I think he's getting fatter and fatter.' 'But, he don't look very clean, does he?' unwilling72 to be downright harsh with so affectionate a lad; 'and he seems a little hollow inside the [183] haunch there, don't he? or no, perhaps I don't see plain this morning.' 'Oh, please sir, it's just there I think he's gaining so, please.' Polite scamp! I soon found he never gave that wretched nag his oats of nights; didn't bed him either. Was above that sort of chambermaid work. No end to his willful neglects. But the more he abused my service, the more polite he grew."
"Oh, sir, some way you mistook him."
"Not a bit of it. Besides, sir, he was a boy who under a Chesterfieldian exterior hid strong destructive propensities73. He cut up my horse-blanket for the bits of leather, for hinges to his chest. Denied it point-blank. After he was gone, found the shreds74 under his mattress75. Would slyly break his hoe-handle, too, on purpose to get rid of hoeing. Then be so gracefully76 penitent77 for his fatal excess of industrious78 strength. Offer to mend all by taking a nice stroll to the nighest settlement—cherry-trees in full bearing all the way—to get the broken thing cobbled. Very politely stole my pears, odd pennies, shillings, dollars, and nuts; regular squirrel at it. But I could prove nothing. Expressed to him my suspicions. Said I, moderately enough, 'A little less politeness, and a little more honesty would suit me better.' He fired up; threatened to sue for libel. I won't say anything about his afterwards, in Ohio, being found in the act of gracefully putting a bar across a rail-road track, for the reason that a stoker called him the rogue79 that he was. But enough: polite boys or saucy80 boys, white boys or black boys, smart boys or lazy boys, Caucasian boys or Mongol boys—all are rascals." [184]
"Shocking, shocking!" nervously81 tucking his frayed82 cravat-end out of sight. "Surely, respected sir, you labor83 under a deplorable hallucination. Why, pardon again, you seem to have not the slightest confidence in boys, I admit, indeed, that boys, some of them at least, are but too prone84 to one little foolish foible or other. But, what then, respected sir, when, by natural laws, they finally outgrow85 such things, and wholly?"
Having until now vented86 himself mostly in plaintive87 dissent88 of canine whines89 and groans90, the man with the brass-plate seemed beginning to summon courage to a less timid encounter. But, upon his maiden91 essay, was not very encouragingly handled, since the dialogue immediately continued as follows:
"Boys outgrow what is amiss in them? From bad boys spring good men? Sir, 'the child is father of the man;' hence, as all boys are rascals, so are all men. But, God bless me, you must know these things better than I; keeping an intelligence office as you do; a business which must furnish peculiar facilities for studying mankind. Come, come up here, sir; confess you know these things pretty well, after all. Do you not know that all men are rascals, and all boys, too?"
"Sir," replied the other, spite of his shocked feelings seeming to pluck up some spirit, but not to an indiscreet degree, "Sir, heaven be praised, I am far, very far from knowing what you say. True," he thoughtfully continued, "with my associates, I keep an intelligence office, and for ten years, come October, have, one way or other, been concerned in that line; for no small period [185] in the great city of Cincinnati, too; and though, as you hint, within that long interval92, I must have had more or less favorable opportunity for studying mankind—in a business way, scanning not only the faces, but ransacking93 the lives of several thousands of human beings, male and female, of various nations, both employers and employed, genteel and ungenteel, educated and uneducated; yet—of course, I candidly94 admit, with some random95 exceptions, I have, so far as my small observation goes, found that mankind thus domestically viewed, confidentially96 viewed, I may say; they, upon the whole—making some reasonable allowances for human imperfection—present as pure a moral spectacle as the purest angel could wish. I say it, respected sir, with confidence."
"Gammon! You don't mean what you say. Else you are like a landsman at sea: don't know the ropes, the very things everlastingly97 pulled before your eyes. Serpent-like, they glide98 about, traveling blocks too subtle for you. In short, the entire ship is a riddle99. Why, you green ones wouldn't know if she were unseaworthy; but still, with thumbs stuck back into your arm-holes, pace the rotten planks100, singing, like a fool, words put into your green mouth by the cunning owner, the man who, heavily insuring it, sends his ship to be wrecked—
'A wet sheet and a flowing sea!'—
and, sir, now that it occurs to me, your talk, the whole of it, is but a wet sheet and a flowing sea, and [186] an idle wind that follows fast, offering a striking contrast to my own discourse101."
"Sir," exclaimed the man with the brass-plate, his patience now more or less tasked, "permit me with deference102 to hint that some of your remarks are injudiciously worded. And thus we say to our patrons, when they enter our office full of abuse of us because of some worthy52 boy we may have sent them—some boy wholly misjudged for the time. Yes, sir, permit me to remark that you do not sufficiently103 consider that, though a small man, I may have my small share of feelings."
"Well, well, I didn't mean to wound your feelings at all. And that they are small, very small, I take your word for it. Sorry, sorry. But truth is like a thrashing-machine; tender sensibilities must keep out of the way. Hope you understand me. Don't want to hurt you. All I say is, what I said in the first place, only now I swear it, that all boys are rascals."
"Sir," lowly replied the other, still forbearing like an old lawyer badgered in court, or else like a good-hearted simpleton, the butt104 of mischievous105 wags, "Sir, since you come back to the point, will you allow me, in my small, quiet way, to submit to you certain small, quiet views of the subject in hand?"
"Oh, yes!" with insulting indifference106, rubbing his chin and looking the other way. "Oh, yes; go on."
"Well, then, respected sir," continued the other, now assuming as genteel an attitude as the irritating set of his pinched five-dollar suit would permit; "well, then, sir, the peculiar principles, the strictly philosophical [187] principles, I may say," guardedly rising in dignity, as he guardedly rose on his toes, "upon which our office is founded, has led me and my associates, in our small, quiet way, to a careful analytical107 study of man, conducted, too, on a quiet theory, and with an unobtrusive aim wholly our own. That theory I will not now at large set forth108. But some of the discoveries resulting from it, I will, by your permission, very briefly109 mention; such of them, I mean, as refer to the state of boyhood scientifically viewed."
"Then you have studied the thing? expressly studied boys, eh? Why didn't you out with that before?"
"Sir, in my small business way, I have not conversed110 with so many masters, gentlemen masters, for nothing. I have been taught that in this world there is a precedence of opinions as well as of persons. You have kindly111 given me your views, I am now, with modesty112, about to give you mine."
"Stop flunkying—go on."
"In the first place, sir, our theory teaches us to proceed by analogy from the physical to the moral. Are we right there, sir? Now, sir, take a young boy, a young male infant rather, a man-child in short—what sir, I respectfully ask, do you in the first place remark?"
"Sir, if passion is to invade, surely science must evacuate114. May I proceed? Well, then, what, in the first place, in a general view, do you remark, respected sir, in that male baby or man-child?"
The bachelor privily115 growled, but this time, upon the [188] whole, better governed himself than before, though not, indeed, to the degree of thinking it prudent116 to risk an articulate response.
"What do you remark? I respectfully repeat." But, as no answer came, only the low, half-suppressed growl3, as of Bruin in a hollow trunk, the questioner continued: "Well, sir, if you will permit me, in my small way, to speak for you, you remark, respected sir, an incipient117 creation; loose sort of sketchy118 thing; a little preliminary rag-paper study, or careless cartoon, so to speak, of a man. The idea, you see, respected sir, is there; but, as yet, wants filling out. In a word, respected sir, the man-child is at present but little, every way; I don't pretend to deny it; but, then, he promises well, does he not? Yes, promises very well indeed, I may say. (So, too, we say to our patrons in reference to some noble little youngster objected to for being a dwarf119.) But, to advance one step further," extending his thread-bare leg, as he drew a pace nearer, "we must now drop the figure of the rag-paper cartoon, and borrow one—to use presently, when wanted—from the horticultural kingdom. Some bud, lily-bud, if you please. Now, such points as the new-born man-child has—as yet not all that could be desired, I am free to confess—still, such as they are, there they are, and palpable as those of an adult. But we stop not here," taking another step. "The man-child not only possesses these present points, small though they are, but, likewise—now our horticultural image comes into play—like the bud of the lily, he contains concealed120 rudiments121 of others; that is, [189] points at present invisible, with beauties at present dormant122."
"Come, come, this talk is getting too horticultural and beautiful altogether. Cut it short, cut it short!"
"Respected sir," with a rustily123 martial124 sort of gesture, like a decayed corporal's, "when deploying125 into the field of discourse the vanguard of an important argument, much more in evolving the grand central forces of a new philosophy of boys, as I may say, surely you will kindly allow scope adequate to the movement in hand, small and humble in its way as that movement may be. Is it worth my while to go on, respected sir?"
"Yes, stop flunkying and go on."
Thus encouraged, again the philosopher with the brass-plate proceeded:
"Supposing, sir, that worthy gentleman (in such terms, to an applicant126 for service, we allude127 to some patron we chance to have in our eye), supposing, respected sir, that worthy gentleman, Adam, to have been dropped overnight in Eden, as a calf128 in the pasture; supposing that, sir—then how could even the learned serpent himself have foreknown that such a downy-chinned little innocent would eventually rival the goat in a beard? Sir, wise as the serpent was, that eventuality would have been entirely129 hidden from his wisdom."
"I don't know about that. The devil is very sagacious. To judge by the event, he appears to have understood man better even than the Being who made him." [190]
"For God's sake, don't say that, sir! To the point. Can it now with fairness be denied that, in his beard, the man-child prospectively130 possesses an appendix, not less imposing131 than patriarchal; and for this goodly beard, should we not by generous anticipation132 give the man-child, even in his cradle, credit? Should we not now, sir? respectfully I put it."
"Yes, if like pig-weed he mows133 it down soon as it shoots," porcinely rubbing his stubble-chin against his coon-skins.
"I have hinted at the analogy," continued the other, calmly disregardful of the digression; "now to apply it. Suppose a boy evince no noble quality. Then generously give him credit for his prospective one. Don't you see? So we say to our patrons when they would fain return a boy upon us as unworthy: 'Madam, or sir, (as the case may be) has this boy a beard?' 'No.' 'Has he, we respectfully ask, as yet, evinced any noble quality?' 'No, indeed.' 'Then, madam, or sir, take him back, we humbly134 beseech135; and keep him till that same noble quality sprouts136; for, have confidence, it, like the beard, is in him.'"
"Very fine theory," scornfully exclaimed the bachelor, yet in secret, perhaps, not entirely undisturbed by these strange new views of the matter; "but what trust is to be placed in it?"
"The trust of perfect confidence, sir. To proceed. Once more, if you please, regard the man-child."
"Hold!" paw-like thrusting put his bearskin arm, "don't intrude137 that man-child upon me too often. He [191] who loves not bread, dotes not on dough138. As little of your man-child as your logical arrangements will admit."
"Anew regard the man-child," with inspired intrepidity139 repeated he with the brass-plate, "in the perspective of his developments, I mean. At first the man-child has no teeth, but about the sixth month—am I right, sir?"
"Don't know anything about it."
"To proceed then: though at first deficient140 in teeth, about the sixth month the man-child begins to put forth in that particular. And sweet those tender little puttings-forth are."
"Very, but blown out of his mouth directly, worthless enough."
"Admitted. And, therefore, we say to our patrons returning with a boy alleged141 not only to be deficient in goodness, but redundant142 in ill: 'The lad, madam or sir, evinces very corrupt143 qualities, does he? No end to them.' 'But, have confidence, there will be; for pray, madam, in this lad's early childhood, were not those frail144 first teeth, then his, followed by his present sound, even, beautiful and permanent set. And the more objectionable those first teeth became, was not that, madam, we respectfully submit, so much the more reason to look for their speedy substitution by the present sound, even, beautiful and permanent ones.' 'True, true, can't deny that.' 'Then, madam, take him back, we respectfully beg, and wait till, in the now swift course of nature, dropping those transient moral blemishes145 [192] you complain of, he replacingly buds forth in the sound, even, beautiful and permanent virtues147.'"
"Very philosophical again," was the contemptuous reply—the outward contempt, perhaps, proportioned to the inward misgiving148. "Vastly philosophical, indeed, but tell me—to continue your analogy—since the second teeth followed—in fact, came from—the first, is there no chance the blemish146 may be transmitted?"
"Not at all." Abating149 in humility150 as he gained in the argument. "The second teeth follow, but do not come from, the first; successors, not sons. The first teeth are not like the germ blossom of the apple, at once the father of, and incorporated into, the growth it foreruns; but they are thrust from their place by the independent undergrowth of the succeeding set—an illustration, by the way, which shows more for me than I meant, though not more than I wish."
"What does it show?" Surly-looking as a thundercloud with the inkept unrest of unacknowledged conviction.
"It shows this, respected sir, that in the case of any boy, especially an ill one, to apply unconditionally151 the saying, that the 'child is father of the man', is, besides implying an uncharitable aspersion153 of the race, affirming a thing very wide of——"
"—Your analogy," like a snapping turtle.
"Yes, respected sir."
"But is analogy argument? You are a punster."
"Yes, you pun with ideas as another man may with words."
"Oh well, sir, whoever talks in that strain, whoever has no confidence in human reason, whoever despises human reason, in vain to reason with him. Still, respected sir," altering his air, "permit me to hint that, had not the force of analogy moved you somewhat, you would hardly have offered to contemn155 it."
"Talk away," disdainfully; "but pray tell me what has that last analogy of yours to do with your intelligence office business?"
"Everything to do with it, respected sir. From that analogy we derive50 the reply made to such a patron as, shortly after being supplied by us with an adult servant, proposes to return him upon our hands; not that, while with the patron, said adult has given any cause of dissatisfaction, but the patron has just chanced to hear something unfavorable concerning him from some gentleman who employed said adult, long before, while a boy. To which too fastidious patron, we, taking said adult by the hand, and graciously reintroducing him to the patron, say: 'Far be it from you, madam, or sir, to proceed in your censure156 against this adult, in anything of the spirit of an ex-post-facto law. Madam, or sir, would you visit upon the butterfly the caterpillar157? In the natural advance of all creatures, do they not bury themselves over and over again in the endless resurrection of better and better? Madam, or sir, take back this adult; he may have been a caterpillar, but is now a butterfly." [194]
"Pun away; but even accepting your analogical pun, what does it amount to? Was the caterpillar one creature, and is the butterfly another? The butterfly is the caterpillar in a gaudy158 cloak; stripped of which, there lies the impostor's long spindle of a body, pretty much worm-shaped as before."
"You reject the analogy. To the facts then. You deny that a youth of one character can be transformed into a man of an opposite character. Now then—yes, I have it. There's the founder159 of La Trappe, and Ignatius Loyola; in boyhood, and someway into manhood, both devil-may-care bloods, and yet, in the end, the wonders of the world for anchoritish self-command. These two examples, by-the-way, we cite to such patrons as would hastily return rakish young waiters upon us. 'Madam, or sir—patience; patience,' we say; 'good madam, or sir, would you discharge forth your cask of good wine, because, while working, it riles more or less? Then discharge not forth this young waiter; the good in him is working.' 'But he is a sad rake.' 'Therein is his promise; the rake being crude material for the saint.'"
"Ah, you are a talking man—what I call a wordy man. You talk, talk."
"And with submission160, sir, what is the greatest judge, bishop161 or prophet, but a talking man? He talks, talks. It is the peculiar vocation162 of a teacher to talk. What's wisdom itself but table-talk? The best wisdom in this world, and the last spoken by its teacher, did it not literally164 and truly come in the form of table-talk?" [195]
"To shift the subject, since we cannot agree. Pray, what is your opinion, respected sir, of St. Augustine?"
"St. Augustine? What should I, or you either, know of him? Seems to me, for one in such a business, to say nothing of such a coat, that though you don't know a great deal, indeed, yet you know a good deal more than you ought to know, or than you have a right to know, or than it is safe or expedient166 for you to know, or than, in the fair course of life, you could have honestly come to know. I am of opinion you should be served like a Jew in the middle ages with his gold; this knowledge of yours, which you haven't enough knowledge to know how to make a right use of, it should be taken from you. And so I have been thinking all along."
"You are merry, sir. But you have a little looked into St. Augustine I suppose."
"St. Augustine on Original Sin is my text book. But you, I ask again, where do you find time or inclination167 for these out-of-the-way speculations168? In fact, your whole talk, the more I think of it, is altogether unexampled and extraordinary."
"Respected sir, have I not already informed you that the quite new method, the strictly philosophical one, on which our office is founded, has led me and my associates to an enlarged study of mankind. It was my fault, if I did not, likewise, hint, that these studies directed always to the scientific procuring169 of good servants of all sorts, boys included, for the kind gentlemen, our patrons—that [196] these studies, I say, have been conducted equally among all books of all libraries, as among all men of all nations. Then, you rather like St. Augustine, sir?"
"Excellent genius!"
"In some points he was; yet, how comes it that under his own hand, St. Augustine confesses that, until his thirtieth year, he was a very sad dog?"
"A saint a sad dog?"
"Not the saint, but the saint's irresponsible little forerunner—the boy."
"All boys are rascals, and so are all men," again flying off at his tangent; "my name is Pitch; I stick to what I say."
"Ah, sir, permit me—when I behold170 you on this mild summer's eve, thus eccentrically clothed in the skins of wild beasts, I cannot but conclude that the equally grim and unsuitable habit of your mind is likewise but an eccentric assumption, having no basis in your genuine soul, no more than in nature herself."
"Well, really, now—really," fidgeted the bachelor, not unaffected in his conscience by these benign171 personalities172, "really, really, now, I don't know but that I may have been a little bit too hard upon those five and thirty boys of mine."
"Glad to find you a little softening173, sir. Who knows now, but that flexile gracefulness174, however questionable175 at the time of that thirtieth boy of yours, might have been the silky husk of the most solid qualities of maturity176. It might have been with him as with the ear of the Indian corn." [197]
"Yes, yes, yes," excitedly cried the bachelor, as the light of this new illustration broke in, "yes, yes; and now that I think of it, how often I've sadly watched my Indian corn in May, wondering whether such sickly, half-eaten sprouts, could ever thrive up into the stiff, stately spear of August."
"A most admirable reflection, sir, and you have only, according to the analogical theory first started by our office, to apply it to that thirtieth boy in question, and see the result. Had you but kept that thirtieth boy—been patient with his sickly virtues, cultivated them, hoed round them, why what a glorious guerdon would have been yours, when at last you should have had a St. Augustine for an ostler."
"Really, really—well, I am glad I didn't send him to jail, as at first I intended."
"Oh that would have been too bad. Grant he was vicious. The petty vices14 of boys are like the innocent kicks of colts, as yet imperfectly broken. Some boys know not virtue only for the same reason they know not French; it was never taught them. Established upon the basis of parental177 charity, juvenile asylums178 exist by law for the benefit of lads convicted of acts which, in adults, would have received other requital179. Why? Because, do what they will, society, like our office, at bottom has a Christian confidence in boys. And all this we say to our patrons."
"Your patrons, sir, seem your marines to whom you may say anything," said the other, relapsing. "Why do knowing employers shun180 youths from asylums, [198] though offered them at the smallest wages? I'll none of your reformado boys."
"Such a boy, respected sir, I would not get for you, but a boy that never needed reform. Do not smile, for as whooping-cough and measles181 are juvenile diseases, and yet some juveniles182 never have them, so are there boys equally free from juvenile vices. True, for the best of boys' measles may be contagious183, and evil communications corrupt good manners; but a boy with a sound mind in a sound body—such is the boy I would get you. If hitherto, sir, you have struck upon a peculiarly bad vein184 of boys, so much the more hope now of your hitting a good one."
"That sounds a kind of reasonable, as it were—a little so, really. In fact, though you have said a great many foolish things, very foolish and absurd things, yet, upon the whole, your conversation has been such as might almost lead one less distrustful than I to repose185 a certain conditional152 confidence in you, I had almost added in your office, also. Now, for the humor of it, supposing that even I, I myself, really had this sort of conditional confidence, though but a grain, what sort of a boy, in sober fact, could you send me? And what would be your fee?"
"Conducted," replied the other somewhat loftily, rising now in eloquence186 as his proselyte, for all his pretenses187, sunk in conviction, "conducted upon principles involving care, learning, and labor, exceeding what is usual in kindred institutions, the Philosophical Intelligence Office is forced to charge somewhat higher than [199] customary. Briefly, our fee is three dollars in advance. As for the boy, by a lucky chance, I have a very promising188 little fellow now in my eye—a very likely little fellow, indeed."
"Honest?"
"As the day is long. Might trust him with untold189 millions. Such, at least, were the marginal observations on the phrenological chart of his head, submitted to me by the mother."
"How old?"
"Just fifteen."
"Uncommonly191 so, for his age, his mother remarked."
"Industrious?"
"The busy bee."
"Do you think now, candidly, that—I say candidly—candidly—could I have some small, limited—some faint, conditional degree of confidence in that boy? Candidly, now?"
"Candidly, you could."
"A sound boy? A good boy?"
"Never knew one more so."
The bachelor fell into another irresolute192 reverie; then said: "Well, now, you have suggested some rather new views of boys, and men, too. Upon those views in the concrete I at present decline to determine. Nevertheless, for the sake purely193 of a scientific experiment, I will try that boy. I don't think him an angel, [200] mind. No, no. But I'll try him. There are my three dollars, and here is my address. Send him along this day two weeks. Hold, you will be wanting the money for his passage. There," handing it somewhat reluctantly.
"Ah, thank you. I had forgotten his passage;" then, altering in manner, and gravely holding the bills, continued: "Respected sir, never willingly do I handle money not with perfect willingness, nay, with a certain alacrity194, paid. Either tell me that you have a perfect and unquestioning confidence in me (never mind the boy now) or permit me respectfully to return these bills."
"Put 'em up, put 'em-up!"
"Thank you. Confidence is the indispensable basis of all sorts of business transactions. Without it, commerce between man and man, as between country and country, would, like a watch, run down and stop. And now, supposing that against present expectation the lad should, after all, evince some little undesirable195 trait, do not, respected sir, rashly dismiss him. Have but patience, have but confidence. Those transient vices will, ere long, fall out, and be replaced by the sound, firm, even and permanent virtues. Ah," glancing shoreward, towards a grotesquely-shaped bluff196, "there's the Devil's Joke, as they call it: the bell for landing will shortly ring. I must go look up the cook I brought for the innkeeper at Cairo."
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1
philosophical
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| adj.哲学家的，哲学上的，达观的 | |
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cape
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| n.海角，岬；披肩，短披风 | |
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growl
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| v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣 | |
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growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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accosted
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| v.走过去跟…讲话( accost的过去式和过去分词 )；跟…搭讪；（乞丐等）上前向…乞讨；（妓女等）勾搭 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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inscribed
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| v.写，刻( inscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；内接 | |
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canine
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| adj.犬的，犬科的 | |
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obliquely
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| adv.斜； 倾斜； 间接； 不光明正大 | |
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whined
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| v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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12
obsequiousness
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| 媚骨 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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jocosely
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| adv.说玩笑地，诙谐地 | |
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strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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17
physiology
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| n.生理学，生理机能 | |
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requisite
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| adj.需要的，必不可少的；n.必需品 | |
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19
assortment
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| n.分类，各色俱备之物，聚集 | |
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assorted
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| adj.各种各样的，各色俱备的 | |
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21
mince
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| n.切碎物；v.切碎，矫揉做作地说 | |
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sojourner
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| n.旅居者，寄居者 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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spinal
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| adj.针的，尖刺的，尖刺状突起的；adj.脊骨的，脊髓的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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pestered
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| 使烦恼，纠缠( pester的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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28
chipmunks
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| n.金花鼠( chipmunk的名词复数 ) | |
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29
skunks
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| n.臭鼬( skunk的名词复数 )；臭鼬毛皮；卑鄙的人；可恶的人 | |
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30
fawning
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| adj.乞怜的，奉承的v.（尤指狗等）跳过来往人身上蹭以示亲热( fawn的现在分词 )；巴结；讨好 | |
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exterior
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| adj.外部的，外在的；表面的 | |
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32
wreaking
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| 诉诸（武力），施行（暴力），发（脾气）( wreak的现在分词 ) | |
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33
malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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34
specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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35
insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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38
Christians
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| n.基督教徒( Christian的名词复数 ) | |
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39
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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40
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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41
groaning
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| adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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42
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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43
polemic
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| n.争论，论战 | |
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44
demure
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| adj.严肃的；端庄的 | |
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45
affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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46
heresy
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| n.异端邪说；异教 | |
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47
yoke
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| n.轭；支配；v.给...上轭，连接，使成配偶 | |
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48
impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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49
derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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50
derive
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| v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自 | |
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51
hereditary
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| adj.遗传的，遗传性的，可继承的，世袭的 | |
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52
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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53
conscientiousness
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| 责任心 | |
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54
refractory
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| adj.倔强的，难驾驭的 | |
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55
superseded
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| [医]被代替的，废弃的 | |
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56
knavish
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| adj.无赖（似）的，不正的；刁诈 | |
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57
rascality
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| 流氓性，流氓集团 | |
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58
rascal
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| n.流氓；不诚实的人 | |
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59
embryo
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| n.胚胎，萌芽的事物 | |
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60
rascals
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| 流氓( rascal的名词复数 )； 无赖； （开玩笑说法）淘气的人（尤指小孩）； 恶作剧的人 | |
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61
juvenile
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| n.青少年，少年读物；adj.青少年的，幼稚的 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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63
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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64
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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65
commissioners
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| n.专员( commissioner的名词复数 )；长官；委员；政府部门的长官 | |
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66
culled
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| v.挑选，剔除( cull的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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67
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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plebeian
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| adj.粗俗的；平民的；n.平民；庶民 | |
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69
suavity
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| n.温和；殷勤 | |
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70
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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71
nag
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| v.(对…)不停地唠叨；n.爱唠叨的人 | |
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72
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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propensities
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| n.倾向，习性( propensity的名词复数 ) | |
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74
shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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mattress
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| n.床垫，床褥 | |
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gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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77
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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industrious
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| adj.勤劳的，刻苦的，奋发的 | |
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rogue
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| n.流氓；v.游手好闲 | |
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saucy
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| adj.无礼的；俊俏的；活泼的 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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82
frayed
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| adj.磨损的v.（使布、绳等）磨损，磨破( fray的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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83
labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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prone
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| adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的 | |
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outgrow
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| vt.长大得使…不再适用；成长得不再要 | |
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vented
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| 表达，发泄（感情，尤指愤怒）( vent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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plaintive
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| adj.可怜的，伤心的 | |
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dissent
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| n./v.不同意，持异议 | |
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89
whines
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| n.悲嗥声( whine的名词复数 )；哀鸣者v.哀号( whine的第三人称单数 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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groans
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| n.呻吟，叹息( groan的名词复数 )；呻吟般的声音v.呻吟( groan的第三人称单数 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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91
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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93
ransacking
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| v.彻底搜查( ransack的现在分词 )；抢劫，掠夺 | |
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candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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confidentially
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| ad.秘密地，悄悄地 | |
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everlastingly
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| 永久地，持久地 | |
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glide
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| n./v.溜，滑行；(时间)消逝 | |
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riddle
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| n.谜，谜语，粗筛；vt.解谜，给…出谜，筛，检查，鉴定，非难，充满于；vi.出谜 | |
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planks
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| （厚）木板( plank的名词复数 )； 政纲条目，政策要点 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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102
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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103
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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104
butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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105
mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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107
analytical
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| adj.分析的；用分析法的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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110
conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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111
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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112
modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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113
prospective
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| adj.预期的，未来的，前瞻性的 | |
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114
evacuate
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| v.遣送；搬空；抽出；排泄；大(小)便 | |
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115
privily
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| adv.暗中，秘密地 | |
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116
prudent
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| adj.谨慎的，有远见的，精打细算的 | |
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117
incipient
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| adj.起初的，发端的，初期的 | |
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118
sketchy
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| adj.写生的，写生风格的，概略的 | |
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119
dwarf
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| n.矮子，侏儒，矮小的动植物；vt.使…矮小 | |
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120
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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121
rudiments
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| n.基础知识，入门 | |
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122
dormant
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| adj.暂停活动的；休眠的；潜伏的 | |
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123
rustily
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| 锈蚀地，声音沙哑地 | |
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124
martial
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| adj.战争的，军事的，尚武的，威武的 | |
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125
deploying
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| （尤指军事行动）使展开( deploy的现在分词 )； 施展； 部署； 有效地利用 | |
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126
applicant
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| n.申请人，求职者，请求者 | |
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127
allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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128
calf
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| n.小牛，犊，幼仔，小牛皮 | |
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129
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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130
prospectively
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| adv.预期； 前瞻性； 潜在； 可能 | |
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131
imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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132
anticipation
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| n.预期，预料，期望 | |
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133
mows
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| v.刈，割( mow的第三人称单数 ) | |
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134
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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135
beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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136
sprouts
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| n.新芽，嫩枝( sprout的名词复数 )v.发芽( sprout的第三人称单数 )；抽芽；出现；（使）涌现出 | |
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137
intrude
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| vi.闯入；侵入；打扰，侵扰 | |
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138
dough
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| n.生面团；钱，现款 | |
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139
intrepidity
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| n.大胆，刚勇；大胆的行为 | |
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140
deficient
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| adj.不足的，不充份的，有缺陷的 | |
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141
alleged
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| a.被指控的，嫌疑的 | |
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142
redundant
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| adj.多余的，过剩的；(食物)丰富的；被解雇的 | |
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143
corrupt
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| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
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144
frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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145
blemishes
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| n.（身体的）瘢点( blemish的名词复数 )；伤疤；瑕疵；污点 | |
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146
blemish
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| v.损害；玷污；瑕疵，缺点 | |
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147
virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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148
misgiving
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕 | |
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149
abating
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| 减少( abate的现在分词 )； 减去； 降价； 撤消（诉讼） | |
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150
humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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151
unconditionally
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| adv.无条件地 | |
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152
conditional
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| adj.条件的，带有条件的 | |
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153
aspersion
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| n.诽谤，中伤 | |
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154
aggrieved
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| adj.愤愤不平的，受委屈的；悲痛的；（在合法权利方面）受侵害的v.令委屈，令苦恼，侵害( aggrieve的过去式)；令委屈，令苦恼，侵害( aggrieve的过去式和过去分词) | |
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155
contemn
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| v.蔑视 | |
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156
censure
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| v./n.责备；非难；责难 | |
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157
caterpillar
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| n.毛虫，蝴蝶的幼虫 | |
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158
gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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159
Founder
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| n.创始者，缔造者 | |
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160
submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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161
bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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162
vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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163
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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164
literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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165
rattling
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| adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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166
expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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167
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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168
speculations
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| n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 )；思考；投机活动；推断 | |
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169
procuring
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的现在分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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170
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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171
benign
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| adj.善良的，慈祥的；良性的，无危险的 | |
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172
personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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173
softening
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| 变软，软化 | |
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174
gracefulness
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175
questionable
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| adj.可疑的，有问题的 | |
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176
maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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177
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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178
asylums
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| n.避难所( asylum的名词复数 )；庇护；政治避难；精神病院 | |
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179
requital
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| n.酬劳；报复 | |
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180
shun
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| vt.避开，回避，避免 | |
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181
measles
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| n.麻疹，风疹，包虫病，痧子 | |
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182
juveniles
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| n.青少年( juvenile的名词复数 )；扮演少年角色的演员；未成年人 | |
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183
contagious
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| adj.传染性的，有感染力的 | |
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184
vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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185
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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186
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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187
pretenses
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| n.借口（pretense的复数形式） | |
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188
promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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189
untold
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| adj.数不清的，无数的 | |
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191
uncommonly
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| adv. 稀罕(极，非常) | |
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192
irresolute
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| adj.无决断的，优柔寡断的，踌躇不定的 | |
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193
purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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194
alacrity
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| n.敏捷，轻快，乐意 | |
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195
undesirable
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| adj.不受欢迎的，不良的，不合意的，讨厌的；n.不受欢迎的人，不良分子 | |
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196
bluff
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| v.虚张声势，用假象骗人；n.虚张声势，欺骗 | |
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