“Madame, s’il vous pla?t, on vous demande au téléphone de l’Angleterre.”
“Moi?” ejaculated Claudia, in surprise.
“Mais oui, Madame.”
Claudia rose and hurried to the telephone, hardly having time to wonder who it could be. Then she heard Jack1’s voice on the other end.
“Claudia, is that you? Oh, for God’s sake, old girl, come back. I have blurted3 out the truth to Fay. She cornered me, and I confessed to her there wasn’t any chance.... It’s dreadful ... she wants you ... we can’t do anything with her. If you don’t come, I shall blow my brains out. I can’t stand it. Pat’s there, isn’t she? You can come, can’t you?”
Claudia thought rapidly. “Yes, I’ll come, Jack. By to-night’s boat. All right, you meet me at Charing4 Cross.”
[323]
She heard a sort of sob5 of relief from the other end, and he commenced to blab broken words of gratitude6, but she cut him short. “No good talking on the telephone, old boy. It was rather cruel of you ... you shouldn’t have let her corner you. Tell her I’m coming.”
She went back to the luncheon-table, but her appetite for lunch was gone.
She was half afraid Gilbert would make some objection to her going, but except by a shrug7 of his shoulders and the raising of his thick eyebrows8, he put no obstacles in her way.
“Oh! poor little kid!” ejaculated Pat, her high spirits momentarily sobered. “Fancy knowing that there is no hope. Ugh! it must be like those torture-chambers of old, when the victims watched the walls gradually close in on them. I hope I shall die quickly and suddenly when my time comes.”
“And yet there must be thousands at this very minute, as we sit here, who are knowingly being enclosed by those walls. I suppose we humans, on the whole, are a poor lot, and yet sometimes I am struck with amazement9 at the courage of men and women,” said Colin thoughtfully. “When I pass through the crowded suburbs, I marvel10 at the amount of quiet, unnoticed heroism11 those brick walls must contain. But Fay—You have a difficult task before you, Claudia. You can’t travel alone. I will take you back to London.”
Claudia was longing12 to accept the offer, but she shook her head. “Oh, no! thank you, Colin. You needn’t coddle me. Pat came over alone.”
“Yes; but she came in the day-time, and you are travelling at night. Can’t be done, madam. Pat will look after our patient.”
“I wish you wouldn’t fuss over me,” said Gilbert testily13. “Of course I am glad of your company, but I don’t need any kind of looking after. I’m not a hysterical14, nervy[324] woman. A man who is taking a rest isn’t a patient of anyone’s.”
“Gilbert, don’t be grumpy,” said Pat, who was never in the least overawed by Gilbert. “All men want looking after. If you are rude, I shall follow you round the links with a tin of Brand’s Essence and a spoon.”
Colin’s presence on the journey was a great comfort, for he was quietly thoughtful without being fussy15, and she did not feel under any necessity to talk to him, unless she had something to say. But she was pleasantly conscious of his sympathy with her miserable16 errand. He took her to the door of the flat and left her.
Claudia was startled when she saw her brother. She had never believed it possible that anyone could go to pieces so badly in such a short time. His young, unlined face was haggard, his eyes were sunken and dull.
“Claudia, if you hadn’t come, I should have put an end to myself. I can’t stand seeing her suffer so. I wish I hadn’t told her, but she’s too cute for me. She always was.”
“Why, we were sitting quietly together, and I was teaching her double-dummy, when she said, ‘Jack, isn’t it too bad, I shall never get better?’—quite quietly—just like I say it, and of course I—well, I gave the show away. She’d been suspicious for a long time, it seems. She remembers the case of a man in her profession that got hurt in the same way years ago. She knows how miserably17 he died a year afterwards.... She’d never said anything about it before. Must have been thinking it out. She raved18 it all out at me.” He shivered. “I shall never get over this, Claudia.”
She was silent, as she took off her gloves.
“She cries and cries, and then suddenly she screams in abject19 fright.... I keep on hearing those screams. I can’t sleep for them. Oh, God! it’s too awful.”
The nurse had quietly entered. “I’m so glad you have[325] come, Mrs. Currey. You always had such an influence over her. Will you come in? She’s been listening for your arrival.”
It was something resembling a very young child that threw itself with cries and sobs20 into her arms, when she went to the bedside. Claudia knelt down and held her tightly and silently to her breast. What words could she use to the poor, frightened soul, that did not sound puerile21 and meaningless? Even if she had herself believed in the orthodox Heaven, Fay was too fond of this world to have found any comfort in the visionary prospect22. If only the curtain had killed her outright23 on that fatal night! That moment of surprise would have been her only pang24, and now——
“I don’t want to die,” sobbed25 Fay. “I’m young. I’m only twenty-two. It’s wicked, it’s wicked.... I won’t be resigned. Nurse says I ought to be. But she isn’t going to die.”
“Fay, dear, I know it’s terribly hard.... I shan’t ask you to be resigned. But will you listen to me for a few minutes?”
“Yes, I will—if you don’t want me to be resigned. Young people can’t be resigned, can they?”
“No, but they can fight. Fay, have I ever told you how much I admire you for the way you’ve risen in your profession?” The sobbing26 grew quieter. “I’ve never had to do anything for my living, and I don’t suppose I can imagine one tenth part of the difficulty with which people do earn their living—the competition, the horrid27 spectres which people of my class never see, the fear of breaking down, of not having enough at the end of the week to pay the rent, to find food and clothing. You were earning a splendid salary when—the accident happened, but you didn’t always, did you?”
“Not much. The first few years after mother died I had precious little, an engagement here and there, and a[326] good many times I didn’t know where the tin was coming from to pay the landlady28.”
“I know. I guessed all that, because very few people ‘arrive’ without making a big fight. I’m sure you made a splendid fight. You hung on to the managers and agents till they gave you engagements, and you set your teeth together and said to yourself, ‘I won’t be done,’ didn’t you?”
“Yes, but how did you know?” She lifted the distorted, tear-stained face wonderingly.
“You were quite a child when you made that fight, at an age when I was still in the schoolroom. And you fought fairly, and made lots of friends. Look at the crowds of letters you get, asking how you are. Fay, go on fighting. Don’t give in now.”
There was complete silence. The dark head was motionless. Claudia knew she was taking in the idea, for whenever Fay wanted to reason with herself, she always thought in silence. She always took a special interval29 from life to do her thinking.
“But what am I to fight for?” she said at length.
“To keep your own respect and the respect and admiration30 of all who know you. Poor Jack loves you very much in his way, and he is distracted. Help to steady him, Fay. He is beginning to look at life more seriously. He admires you immensely as an artist, make him admire you as a woman. You told me once that you didn’t want to do him any harm by marrying him. You can do him a great deal of good.”
“Poor old Jumbo! I scared him out of his life.” She gave a ghost of her gay smile. “I knew I’d get it out of him. No one else would tell me.”
“He’s known all the time,” went on Claudia, stroking her hair, as she would have a child’s. “It’s been a terrible burden, Fay. You can see from his face how he has been brooding over it. Jack’s never had to bear any[327] kind of trouble in his life before. The world has been all rose-leaves for him. I think he’s been putting up a bit of a fight, too, because he hates trouble and illness, and all the uncomfortable things of life. He’s come pretty regularly to see you, hasn’t he?”
“Yes, he has. I see what you’re driving at. But why should I have to die? I swear to God I never did no one no harm that I know of. There was a chap once I was awful fond of, and him of me. We used to keep on meeting on the Stoll tour. One week his wife came along. She was a silly, soppy piece of goods; he liked a bit of a devil, like me, but she was dead stuck on him, and there was a baby coming. I sent him back to her, straight, I did. I wouldn’t have no truck with him. He sent me an awful nice letter when I got hurt. He’ll be sorry when—when he hears.”
“I’m sure he will.”
Fay was silent again, her blue eyes fixed31 on an absurd Teddy Bear on the chest of drawers. Then she said with a queer jumble32 of ideas that left Claudia speechless:
“I shan’t be able to do that American tour next year, and I shall never have a baby. Some people think kids are a nuisance, but I’d like to have had one. Babies are awful cute, aren’t they? Mabel Floyd’s got a kid of four years old, and she does all her mother’s songs. Makes you die with laughing. You should see her do the Bond Street strut33, with her mother’s monocle. She’ll make a hit on the halls one of these days. Got it in her, you know, same as I had.” She looked at a framed photograph which hung on one of the walls. “Mother died when she was thirty-two, but that was because she got soaking wet one night, going to the theatre. But she didn’t mind dying much. I remember that. She was dead tired, you know. My father took his hook when I was four years old, and he had knocked all the life out of her. I can remember her saying, ‘If it wasn’t for you, I’d be glad to[328] take a rest, Fay.’ But I don’t feel like that. I never allowed any man to make my life a misery34. If there was any misery going about, the men got it. I wasn’t taking any. Take my tip, my dear, don’t you let ’em squeeze everything out of you. Mother taught me that lesson. She had a thin time, poor thing.” Suddenly she commenced to cry again, but gently. “I’ve heard people say that those that are dead can look down on us. Do you think mother can see me now?”
“Perhaps, Fay. We know very little about the spiritual world.”
After a minute Fay took her head off Claudia’s shoulder, and pushed her away a little with one of her small, babyish hands. Her blue eyes, still wet, searched her face with such acuteness that Claudia was glad she had nothing to hide any longer.
“Claudia, did you think all this out—about the fighting—as you came to see me? Did you make it all up?”
Claudia shook her head, and her eyes were dark with her own thoughts as she replied:
“No, Fay. It wasn’t thought out at all. I’ll tell you the truth. I hadn’t the least idea what I could say to you. I kept on asking myself, ‘What shall I say? What shall I say?’ Then suddenly, as I came into your room and saw you crying among the pillows, I knew what life must mean for you, for me, for Jack, for everybody. A sudden light seemed to come to me. An answer came to some questions I have lately been putting to myself. I realized that it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, whether you are happy or unhappy, as long as you keep on fighting. I don’t understand life any more than you do, dear. Sometimes it seems a pretty dreary35 business. I’m hopelessly at sea. But—I see now—one must go on swimming. You mustn’t just let your arms fall to your side and sink. Perhaps, if you keep on swimming, a boat may pick you up, or you may find an unsuspected island,[329] and even if you don’t get rescued, I think one must die—swimming.”
Fay’s eyes opened widely, and her arms stole again round her sister-in-law’s neck.
“How sad your voice sounds,” she whispered. “Are you having a bad time? Aren’t you happy, either?”
Her sister-in-law’s voice was a little unsteady as she said, in a low voice, “Fay, shall I tell you a secret? Can you keep one?”
“Honour bright. May I be——”
“Listen, then.... No, I’m not happy.... I haven’t found anything that I wanted in life. It’s all makeshifts. I’m very restless, very dissatisfied, and just at the moment I don’t find life worth living. Only yesterday I was talking like a beastly coward. I was telling a friend that I was frightened of the future, that I could see only blank, empty, joyless days, and that I was going to develop into a nasty, soured, cold-hearted woman. Now I see how disgusting it was of me to say things like that, especially when I was making him unhappy too. I know I ought to brace36 up my muscles, and start swimming—like you. I don’t feel like it, any more than you do.... You’ll keep my secret, won’t you, Fay, and when I get tired, I’ll come to you and do a howl, and when you get tired you shall do the howling. And then we’ll make another effort and go on swimming again. We’ll help one another, won’t we? Somehow, I fancy the strong people of this world are not those who always achieve great things, but those who keep on fighting, who will not be downed by circumstances.”
Fay kissed her passionately37. “I love you. I’d do anything for you. And if I can help you—I didn’t know you had any troubles—I should be so proud of myself. I’ve always looked upon you as someone who didn’t want any help, who always found it easy to do”—vaguely—“the right thing.”
[330]
“No! No!” cried Claudia, thinking of the humiliating scene in the studio, “I don’t find it easy at all. I find everything horribly difficult and confusing.... I haven’t even got any fixed principles now. I hardly know what I believe or disbelieve. Sometimes I think I am only an artist, a pagan, merely craving38 for the beautiful, the perfect; sometimes I feel there is more in life and love than that ... there must be, there must be ... the whole fabric39 of life could not have been built upon such an insecure foundation. Passion is a big factor in life, but there must be a bigger.”
She was talking to herself now, talking out her own doubts, but Fay lay perfectly40 still, listening to the voice that she loved, and comprehending only that this woman she had always thought so favoured, so lucky, so above the storms that beset41 her own course, was in trouble, and that it eased her mind to talk to her—The Girlie Girl of the music-halls. She, Fay, had been entrusted42 with her secret, and her heart swelled43 with a pride that made her for a few minutes forget her own tragedy. “Dead common,” she called herself, she was Claudia’s confidante. If Claudia wanted her to keep on fighting—well, it must be done, somehow or other.
“Life can’t be a joke of the gods,” went on Claudia. “It’s the fashion nowadays to pretend that it is—but it can’t be. One can’t simply give way to every temptation with the excuse that one is unhappy, that life has cheated you. If nobody wants you to be loyal to them, you must be loyal to yourself. Oh! how I wish I understood things better.”
There was a click of the door-handle and the nurse came in.
“Mrs. Currey, the cook has got some soup and cold chicken for you in the dining-room. You must be tired after travelling. Won’t you take a little?”
“Yes,” said Fay, rubbing her fists in her eyes, “she[331] must. She’s a duck to come so quickly. Nurse, I’m going to be good after this; at least, I’m going to make a try. It isn’t much in my line, but I’m not so old I can’t learn a new song and dance.... Claudia, send old Jumbo to me.”
At that instant “old Jumbo” put his head dubiously44 round the door. He was the weakest of husbands and men, but helped by Colin’s lecture, he had almost overcome his repugnance45 to a sick-room. The last two days had frightened him out of his very limited wits. He had not heard Fay sobbing for the last quarter of an hour. Had Claudia got her asleep or——
“Hallo, Jumbo,” called out Fay. “Come over here and give me a kiss.”
His stupid, handsome face brightened, and some of the scared look disappeared from the eyes.
“Cheer oh, Fay, old girl!” he said huskily. “I’m glad you’re better.”
Claudia and the nurse left the strange married couple together.
At that same moment Colin was tearing open a telegram which his man said had arrived a couple of hours previously46. It was from Pat at Le Touquet, and Colin quickly mastered the disquieting47 contents.
“Come back quickly and bring Neeburg if possible. Gilbert has had a seizure48. Would play eighteen holes. Tried to stop him. Don’t alarm Claudia. No immediate49 danger.”
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收听单词发音
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1
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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2
blurt
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| vt.突然说出，脱口说出 | |
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3
blurted
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| v.突然说出，脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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4
charing
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| n.炭化v.把…烧成炭，把…烧焦( char的现在分词 )；烧成炭，烧焦；做杂役女佣 | |
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5
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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6
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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7
shrug
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| v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等) | |
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8
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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9
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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10
marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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11
heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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12
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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testily
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| adv. 易怒地, 暴躁地 | |
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14
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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15
fussy
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| adj.为琐事担忧的，过分装饰的，爱挑剔的 | |
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16
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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17
miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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18
raved
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| v.胡言乱语( rave的过去式和过去分词 )；愤怒地说；咆哮；痴心地说 | |
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19
abject
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| adj.极可怜的，卑屈的 | |
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20
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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21
puerile
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| adj.幼稚的，儿童的 | |
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22
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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24
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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25
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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26
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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28
landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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29
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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30
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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31
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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32
jumble
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| vt.使混乱，混杂；n.混乱；杂乱的一堆 | |
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33
strut
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| v.肿胀，鼓起；大摇大摆地走；炫耀；支撑；撑开；n.高视阔步；支柱，撑杆 | |
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34
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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36
brace
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| n. 支柱,曲柄,大括号; v. 绷紧,顶住,(为困难或坏事)做准备 | |
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37
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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38
craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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39
fabric
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| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
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40
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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41
beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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42
entrusted
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| v.委托，托付( entrust的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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44
dubiously
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| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
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45
repugnance
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| n.嫌恶 | |
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46
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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47
disquieting
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| adj.令人不安的，令人不平静的v.使不安，使忧虑，使烦恼( disquiet的现在分词 ) | |
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48
seizure
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| n.没收；占有；抵押 | |
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49
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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