One evening, at the Mechanics' Institution, Birmingham, I was told that Robert Owen, who had unexpectedly arrived in town, was likely to speak in Well Lane, Allison Street, and was asked "would I go?" Mistaking the name for Robert Hall, I said I would. Of Robert Owen I had scarcely heard; of the Rev5. Robert Hall (who had denounced all deflectors from the Baptist standard with brilliant bitterness) I had heard, admired (and do still), and much desired to see. Great was my disappointment when I discovered the mistake. As Mr. Owen passed me on entering the room, I—a mere6 youth—looked at the aged2 philosopher (who had been working for human welfare long before I was born) with an impertinent pity. I felt also some real terror for his future, as I thought what a "wicked old man" he must be. I had been assured by Robert Hall that morality without faith was of no avail in the eye of God.
Eventually it became known at the works where I was employed that I had been to hear Robert Owen, and remarks were made. In those days (1837-8) advocates of social reform were called "Socialists7." Some of the remarks made against them were unjust Some "Socialists" were fellow-students at the Mechanics' Institution. These commentators8 made the usual mistake of concluding that the social thinkers in question must hold the opinions it was inferred that they held. At that time I did not understand this way of reasoning, though no doubt I used it myself, as those among whom I was reared knew no better. Everybody was sure that an opponent must mean what you inferred he meant, and charged against him the inference as a fact—never thinking of inquiring whether it was so. If I was not misled by those confident arguments, it was because I knew that the persons accused were leal and kind in daily life. Out of mere love of fairness I defended them to my working associates, as far as my knowledge went. Being told that "I did not know what their principles were" caused me to read their pamphlets and to hear some lectures. For a year or more I used the knowledge thus gained against the uninformed impressions of their aspersers around me.
Well do I remember that one day, as I passed two workmen in the mill-yard, one said to the other, "That is young Holyoake the sceptic." They did not know that "sceptic" merely meant a doubter in search of evidence. They used the word in the brutal9 sense of one who disbelieved the truth, knowing it to be the truth. The term startled me, as I neither believed nor assumed to believe what I had reported as the opinions of my friends. For myself, I had no thought of holding their opinions. The heresy10 supposed to be included in them was, indeed, my aversion. Then I made the resolution to examine their principles, with a view to show what arguments I could myself bring against them. Great was my dismay when, after months of thought, I found that the questioned tenets seemed, on the whole, to be true. These tenets were that wise material circumstances were likely to have a better influence on men than bad ones; and that, men having general qualities which they have inherited, the treatment of the worst should be tempered by compassion11 for their ill-fortune. Then it concerned me no more what any one said of me. It was as though I had passed into a new country, leaving behind me the barren land of supplication12 for a land of self-effort and improvement; and entered into the fruitful kingdom of material endeavour, where help and hope dwelt. Heretofore doubt and perturbation as to whether I was of the "elect" had oft agitated13 me. Now, I had no bonds in the death of my disproved opinions—no struggle, no misgivings14. Without wish or effort of mine, I was delivered by reason alone from the prison-house in which I had dwelt with its many terrors. Not all at once did the terrors go. They long hovered15 about the mind like evil spirits tempting16 me to distrust the truth written in the Book of Nature, of which I believed God to be the author.
Some time before this change in my opinion occurred I had taken in, out of my slender savings17, the beautiful Diamond edition of the Rev. Mr. Stebbing's Bible in parts. The type was very fine, the outline illustrations seemed to me very beautiful; they affect me with admiration18 still. It was the first book with marks of art about it that I had possessed19. I had it bound in morocco, with silver clasps. It was quite a wonder in the workshop when I took it there. To possess many things I never cared, but if I had only one, and it had some beauty and finish in it, it was to me as though I had a light in my room at night, and the thought of it made me glad in the dark. A fellow-workman of sincere piety20, whom I respected very much, coveted21 this Bible, and induced me to sell it to him, which I did, as I had it in my mind to get another bound in a yet daintier way.
Simple and natural as was this transaction, it was misconstrued. It was said I had "sold" my Bible, as though it was my act instead of being the act of another. Next it was reported that I had "burnt" it. Thus I became a founder22 of myths without knowing it. Nevertheless, it gave me pain—for nothing was more alien to my mind, my taste and reverence23, than the act imputed24 to me. But what made a greater impression upon me, it being inconceivable, and unforeseen, was that he who induced me to part with my valued volume never came forward to say so. The inspiration of Christianism I had taken to be personal truth which could be trusted. In the noblest minds it is so still. But for the first time I found a Christian25 could be mean.
It was about this period that a poor woman I knew drew near to death from consumption. At times I visited and read the Scriptures26 to her. One night I asked her if she would like some one to pray with her. As she wished it, I induced one with whom I had been a Sunday school teacher to come with me one evening and pray by her side.
The consolation27 was very precious to her, and that is why I sought it for her. At no time did it seem to me that everybody should be of one opinion, since honesty of life consists in living and dying in that opinion of the truth of which you are convinced. This man whom I took with me was a workman, poor, mean, and utterly28 uninformed. In religious sympathy he inclined to the Ranters, who are not at all melodious29 Christians30. Yet heaven might respect his prayer as much as a bishop's, for he had given up his night, after a hard day's labour, to afford what humble31 consolation he could to this poor woman.
One sentiment that had always possessed me was a pleasure in vengeance32. I had quite a distinct passion of hatred33 where I was wronged, and had no means of resistance or redress34. A man in my father's employ did something very unfair to me when I was quite a youth, and during nine years that I worked by his side I did not forget it or forgive it. The Lord's prayer taught me that I should "forgive those who trespassed35 against me," and at times I thought I had forgiven him, but I never had. Christian as I was, the revengeful lines of Byron long influenced me:—
"If we do but watch the hour,
There never yet was human power,
The patient search and vigil long
Of him who treasures up a wrong."
No sermon, no prayer, no belief, no Divine command, rendered me neutral towards those I disliked. Neither authority nor precept37 had force which gave no reason for amity38. But when I came to understand Coleridge's saying that "human affairs are a process," I could see that patience and wise adaptation of condition was the true method of improvement, since the tendency to nobleness or baseness was alike an inheritance nurtured39 by environment. If tempest of the human kind came, precaution and not anger—which means ignorance taken by surprise—was the remedy. Pity takes the place of resentment40. Clearly, vengeance did but add to the misfortune of destiny.
I oft pondered Hooker's saying, that "anger is the sinew of the soul, and he that lacketh it hath a maimed mind." Nevertheless, I am content to be without that "sinew." Anger is rather the epilepsy of the understanding than the dictate41 of reason. I had come to see that there are no bad weeds in Nature—but much bad gardening. The reasons of amity had become clear to me, and that Helvetius was right. We should "go on loving men, but not expecting too much from them." Even Hooker could not win me back to the profitless pursuits of anger and retaliation42.
These bygone days left their instruction with me evermore. In them I learned consideration for others. Whatever my convictions, I was always the same to my mother. The wish to change her views never entered my mind. She had chosen her own. I respected her choice, and she respected mine. In after years, when I visited Birmingham, I would read the Bible to her. She liked to hear my voice again as she had heard it in earlier days. When her eyes became dim by time I would send her large type editions of the New Testament43, and of religious works which dwelt upon the human tenderness of Christ. The piety of parents should be sacred in the eyes of children. Convictions are the food of the soul, which perisheth on any other diet than that which can be assimilated by the conscience.
One of the bygones which had popularity in my day was silence, where explicitness44 was needed. Nothing is more grateful to the young understanding than clear, definite outlines. The Spectator (July 23, 1891) said that "Dean Stanley could not at any time have exactly defined what his own theology really was." George Dawson, who charmed so many audiences and was under no official restraint, never attempted it. Emerson, who criticised everybody who had an opinion, never disclosed his. Carlyle, who filled the air with adjurations to sincerity45 of conviction, carefully concealed46 his own. They who take credit for advising the public what to believe should avow47 their own belief. Otway, crossing the street to Dryden's house, wrote upon his door: "Here lives Dryden, a poet and a wit." Seeing these words as he came out, Dryden wrote under them: "Written by Otway opposite," which might mean: "This is but a partial and friendly estimate written by my neighbour who lives over the way, opposite to me"; or, it might mean that "It is written by Otway—the very 'opposite' of 'a poet and a wit.'" Janus sentences are the very grace of satire48, because they offer a mitigating49 or a complimentary50 construction; but in questions of conscience, ethics51, or politics, uncertainty52 is an evil—an evil worth remembering where it can be avoided.
"Socialists" were liable to indictment53 who officiated in a place not licensed55 as a place of worship. Such a license54 could be obtained on making a declaration on oath that their discourses56 were founded on belief in the cardinal57 tenets of the Church. Two social speakers were summoned to swear this. One was the father of the late Robert Buchanan. He and his colleague did so swear to avoid penalties, though they swore the contrary of the truth. I joined with other colleagues in protesting against this humiliation58 and ignominy. And in another way imprisonment59 came to all of us. Silence or the oath was the alternative from which there was no escape. The question then arose, "Was the existence of Deity60 so certainly known to men that inability to affirm it justified61 exclusion62 from citizenship63?" Thus it was of the first moment to inquire whether it was so or not, and what was regarded as an atheistical64 investigation65 became a political necessity in self-defence. Was there such conclusive66 knowledge of the Unknowable as to warrant the law in making the possession of it a condition of justice and civil equality? Thus the refutation of Theism became a form of self-defence, and without foreseeing it, or intending it, or wishing it, I was, without any act of my own, engaged in it.
This narrative67 concerns those who deplore68 the rise and popularity of independent thinkers, alien to received doctrine69. Few persons are aware how or why agnostic advocacy was welcomed and extended. Surely this is worth remembering. The tenet bore statute70 fruit, for the Affirmation Act came out of it.
It will be a satisfaction to students of spiritual progress to know that the extension and legalisation of the rights of conscience, brought no irreverence71 with it. The sense that the nature of Deity was beyond the capacity of dogmatism to define, created a feeling of profound humility72 in the mind; the incapacity which disabled me from asserting the infinite premises73 of Theism rendered denial an equal temerity74. What tongue can speak, what eye can see, what imagination can conceive the marvels75 of the Inscrutable? I think of Deity as I think of Time, which is with us daily. Who can explain to us that mystery? Time—noiseless, impalpable, yet absolute—marshals the everlasting76 procession of nature. It touches us in the present with the hand of Eternity77, and we know it only by finding that we were changed as it passed by us.
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1
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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rev
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| v.发动机旋转，加快速度 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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socialists
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| 社会主义者( socialist的名词复数 ) | |
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commentators
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| n.评论员( commentator的名词复数 )；时事评论员；注释者；实况广播员 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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heresy
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| n.异端邪说；异教 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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supplication
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| n.恳求，祈愿，哀求 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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hovered
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| 鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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savings
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| n.存款，储蓄 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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piety
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| n.虔诚，虔敬 | |
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coveted
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| adj.令人垂涎的；垂涎的，梦寐以求的v.贪求，觊觎(covet的过去分词)；垂涎；贪图 | |
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Founder
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| n.创始者，缔造者 | |
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reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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imputed
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| v.把（错误等）归咎于( impute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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scriptures
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| 经文，圣典( scripture的名词复数 )； 经典 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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melodious
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| adj.旋律美妙的，调子优美的，音乐性的 | |
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Christians
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| n.基督教徒( Christian的名词复数 ) | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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redress
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| n.赔偿，救济，矫正；v.纠正，匡正，革除 | |
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trespassed
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| （trespass的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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precept
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| n.戒律；格言 | |
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amity
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| n.友好关系 | |
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39
nurtured
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| 养育( nurture的过去式和过去分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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retaliation
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| n.报复，反击 | |
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testament
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| n.遗嘱；证明 | |
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explicitness
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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avow
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| v.承认，公开宣称 | |
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satire
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| n.讽刺，讽刺文学，讽刺作品 | |
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mitigating
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| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的现在分词 ) | |
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complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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indictment
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| n.起诉；诉状 | |
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license
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| n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许 | |
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licensed
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| adj.得到许可的v.许可，颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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56
discourses
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| 论文( discourse的名词复数 )； 演说； 讲道； 话语 | |
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cardinal
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| n.(天主教的)红衣主教；adj.首要的，基本的 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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imprisonment
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| n.关押，监禁，坐牢 | |
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deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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exclusion
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| n.拒绝，排除，排斥，远足，远途旅行 | |
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citizenship
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| n.市民权，公民权，国民的义务(身份) | |
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atheistical
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| adj.无神论（者）的 | |
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investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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conclusive
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| adj.最后的，结论的；确凿的，消除怀疑的 | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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deplore
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| vt.哀叹，对...深感遗憾 | |
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doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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statute
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| n.成文法，法令，法规；章程，规则，条例 | |
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irreverence
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| n.不尊敬 | |
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humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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temerity
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| n.鲁莽，冒失 | |
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marvels
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| n.奇迹( marvel的名词复数 )；令人惊奇的事物（或事例）；不平凡的成果；成就v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的第三人称单数 ) | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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