Dear Sir—What is a Boob? Will you please discuss the subject a little? Perhaps I'm a boob for asking—but I'd like to know. Cynthia.
Two men and a woman talking
BE FRIENDLY WITH BOOBS
The Boob, my dear Cynthia, is Nature's device for mitigating1 the quaintly2 blended infelicities of existence. Never be too bitter about the Boob. The Boob is you and me and the man in the elevator.
THE BOOB IS HUMANITY'S HOPE
As long as the Boob ratio remains3 high, humanity is safe. The Boob is the last repository of the stalwart virtues4. The Boob is faith, hope and charity. The Boob is the hope of conservatives, the terror of radicals5 and the meal check of cynics. If you are run over on Market Street and left groaning6 under the mailed fist of a flivver, the Bolsheviki and I.W.W. will be watching the shop windows. It will be the Boob who will come to your aid, even before the cop gets there.
1653 BOOBS
If you were to dig a deep and terrible pit in the middle of Chestnut7 Street, and illuminate8 it with signs and red lights and placards reading, DO NOT WALK INTO THIS PIT, 1653 Boobs would tumble into it during the course of the day. Boobs have faith. They are eager to plunge9 in where an angel wouldn't even show his periscope10.
THE BOOB RATIO
But that does not prove anything creditable to human nature. For though 1653 people would fall into our pit (which any Rapid Transit11 Company will dig for us free of charge) 26,448 would cautiously and suspiciously and contemptuously avoid it. The Boob ratio is just about 1 to 16.
HE LOOKS FOR ANGELS
It does not pay to make fun of the Boob. There is no malice12 in him, no insolence13, no passion to thrive at the expense of his fellows. If he sees some one on a street corner gazing open-mouthed at the sky, he will do likewise, and stand there for half hour with his apple of Adam expectantly vibrating. But is that a shameful14 trait? May not a Boob expect to see angels in the shimmering15 blue of heaven? Is he more disreputable than the knave16 who frisks his watch meanwhile? And suppose he does see an angel, or even only a blue acre of sky—is that not worth as much as the dial in his poke17?
HE SEES THEM
It is the Boob who is always willing to look hopefully for angels who will see them ultimately. And the man who is only looking for the Boob's timepiece will do time of his own by and by.
HE BEARS NO MALICE
The Boob is convinced that the world is conducted on genteel and friendly principles. He feels in his heart that even the law of gravity will do him no harm. That is why he steps unabashed into our pit on Chestnut Street; and finding himself sprawling18 in the bottom of it, he bears no ill will to Sir Isaac Newton. He simply knows that the law of gravity took him for some one else—a street-cleaning contractor19, perhaps.
A DEFINITION
A small boy once defined a Boob as one who always treats other people better than he does himself.
HE IS UNSUSPICIOUS
The Boob is hopeful, cheery, more concerned over other people's troubles than his own. He goes serenely20 unsuspicious of the brick under the silk hat, even when the silk hat is on the head of a Mayor or City Councilman. He will pull every trigger he meets, regardless that the whole world is loaded and aimed at him. He will keep on running for the 5:42 train, even though the timetable was changed the day before yesterday. He goes through the revolving21 doors the wrong way. He forgets that the banks close at noon on Saturdays. He asks for oysters22 on the first of June. He will wait for hours at the Chestnut Street door, even though his wife told him to meet her at the ribbon counter.
HIS WIFE
Yes, he has a wife. But if he was not a Boob before marriage he will never become so after. Women are the natural antidotes23 of Boobs.
RECEPTIVE
The Boob is not quarrelsome. He is willing to believe that you know more about it than he does. He is always at home for ideas.
HE IS HAPPY
Of course, what bothers other people is that the Boob is so happy. He enjoys himself. He falls into that Rapid Transit pit of ours and has more fun out of the tumble than the sneering24 26,448 who stand above untumbled. The happy simp prefers a 4 per cent that pays to a 15 per cent investment that returns only engraved25 prospectuses26. He stands on that street corner looking for an imaginary angel parachuting down, and enjoys himself more than the Mephistopheles who is laughing up his sleeve.
NATURE'S DARLING
Nature must love the Boob, because she is a good deal of a Boob herself. How she has squandered27 herself upon mountain peaks that are useless except for the Alpenstock Trust; upon violets that can't be eaten; upon giraffes whose backs slope too steeply to carry a pack! Can it be that the Boob is Nature's darling, that she intends him to outlive all the rest?
Be sure you're a Boob, and then go ahead.
IN CONCLUSION
But never, dear Cynthia, confuse the Boob with the Poor Fish. The Poor Fish, as an Emersonian thinker has observed, is the Boob gone wrong. The Poor Fish is the cynical29, sneering simpleton who, if he did see an angel, would think it was only some one dressed up for the movies. The Poor Fish is Why Boobs Leave Home.
II. SIMPLIFICATION
Dear Sir—How can life be simplified? In the office where I work the pressure of affairs is very exacting30. Often I do not have a moment to think over my own affairs before 4 p.m. There are a great many matters that puzzle me, and I am afraid that if I go on working so hard the sweetest hours of my youth may pass before I have given them proper consideration. It is very irassible. Can you help me? Cynthia.
SALUTATION TO CYNTHIA
Cynthia, my child: How are you? It is very delightful31 to hear from you again. During the recent months I have been very lonely indeed without your comradeship and counsel with regard to the great matters which were under consideration.
THINKING IT OVER
Well, Cynthia, when your inquiry32 reached me I propped33 my feet on the desk, got out the corncob pipe and thought things over. How to simplify life? How, indeed! It is a subject that interests me strangely. Of course, the easiest method is to let one's ancestors do it for one. If you have been lucky enough to choose a simple-minded, quiet-natured quartet of grandparents, frugal34, thrifty35 and foresighted, who had the good sense to buy property in an improving neighborhood and keep their money compounding at a fair rate of interest, the problem is greatly clarified. If they have hung on to the old farmstead, with its huckleberry pasture and cowbells tankling homeward at sunset and a bright brown brook36 cascading37 down over ledges38 of rock into a swimming hole, then again your problem has possible solutions. Just go out to the farm, with a copy of Matthew Arnold's "Scholar Gipsy" (you remember the poem, in which he praises the guy who had sense enough to leave town and live in the suburbs where the Bolsheviki wouldn't bother him), and don't leave any forwarding address with the postoffice. But if, as I fear from an examination of your pink-scalloped notepaper with its exhalation of lilac essence, the vortex of modern jazz life has swept you in, the crisis is far more intricate.
TAKE THE MATTER IN YOUR OWN HANDS
Of course, my dear Cynthia, it is better to simplify your own life than to have some one else do it for you. The Kaiser, for instance, has had his career greatly simplified, but hardly in a way he himself would have chosen. The first thing to do is to come to a clear understanding of (and to let your employer know you understand) the two principles that underlie39 modern business. There are only two kinds of affairs that are attended to in an office. First, things that absolutely must be done. These are often numerous; but remember, that since they have to be done, if you don't do them some one else will. Second, things that don't have to be done. And since they don't have to be done, why do them? This will simplify matters a great deal.
FURTHER SUGGESTIONS
The next thing to do is to stop answering letters. Even the firm's most persistent40 customers will cease troubling you by and bye if you persist. Then, stop answering the telephone. A pair of office shears41 can sever42 a telephone wire much faster than any mechanician can keep it repaired. If the matter is really urgent, let the other people telegraph. While you are perfecting this scheme look about, in a dignified43 way, for another job. Don't take the first thing that offers itself, but wait until something really congenial appears. It is a good thing to choose some occupation that will keep you a great deal in the open air, preferably something that involves looking at shop windows and frequent visits to the receiving teller44 at the bank. It is nice to have a job in a tall building overlooking the sea, with office hours from 3 to 5 p.m.
HOW EASY, AFTER ALL!
Many people, dear Cynthia, are harassed45 because they do not realize how easy it is to get out of a job which involves severe and concentrated effort. My child, you must not allow yourself to become discouraged. Almost any job can be shaken off in time and with perseverance46. Looking out of the window is a great help. There are very few businesses where what goes on in the office is half as interesting as what is happening on the street outside. If your desk does not happen to be near a window, so much the better. You can watch the sunset admirably from the window of the advertising47 manager's office. Call his attention to the rosy48 tints49 in the afterglow or the glorious pallor of the clouds. Advertising managers are apt to be insufficiently50 appreciative51 of these things. Sometimes, when they are closeted with the Boss in conference, open the ground-glass door and say, "I think it is going to rain shortly." Carry your love of the beautiful into your office life. This will inevitably52 pave the way to simplification.
ENVELOPES WITH LOOP HOLES
And never open envelopes with little transparent53 panes54 of isinglass in their fronts. Never keep copies of your correspondence. For, if your letters are correct, no copy will be necessary. And, if incorrect, it is far better not to have a copy. If you were to tell me the exact nature of your work I could offer many more specific hints.
YOUR INQUIRY, CHILD, TOUCHES MY HEART
I am intimately interested in your problem, my child, for I am a great believer in simplification. It is hard to follow out one's own precepts55; but the root of happiness is never to contradict any one and never agree with any one. For if you contradict people, they will try to convince you; and if you agree with them, they will enlarge upon their views until they say something you will feel bound to contradict. Let me hear from you again.
点击收听单词发音
1 mitigating | |
v.减轻,缓和( mitigate的现在分词 ) | |
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2 quaintly | |
adv.古怪离奇地 | |
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3 remains | |
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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4 virtues | |
美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
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5 radicals | |
n.激进分子( radical的名词复数 );根基;基本原理;[数学]根数 | |
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6 groaning | |
adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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7 chestnut | |
n.栗树,栗子 | |
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8 illuminate | |
vt.照亮,照明;用灯光装饰;说明,阐释 | |
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9 plunge | |
v.跳入,(使)投入,(使)陷入;猛冲 | |
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10 periscope | |
n. 潜望镜 | |
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11 transit | |
n.经过,运输;vt.穿越,旋转;vi.越过 | |
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12 malice | |
n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋 | |
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13 insolence | |
n.傲慢;无礼;厚颜;傲慢的态度 | |
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14 shameful | |
adj.可耻的,不道德的 | |
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15 shimmering | |
v.闪闪发光,发微光( shimmer的现在分词 ) | |
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16 knave | |
n.流氓;(纸牌中的)杰克 | |
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17 poke | |
n.刺,戳,袋;vt.拨开,刺,戳;vi.戳,刺,捅,搜索,伸出,行动散慢 | |
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18 sprawling | |
adj.蔓生的,不规则地伸展的v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的现在分词 );蔓延;杂乱无序地拓展;四肢伸展坐着(或躺着) | |
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19 contractor | |
n.订约人,承包人,收缩肌 | |
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20 serenely | |
adv.安详地,宁静地,平静地 | |
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21 revolving | |
adj.旋转的,轮转式的;循环的v.(使)旋转( revolve的现在分词 );细想 | |
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22 oysters | |
牡蛎( oyster的名词复数 ) | |
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23 antidotes | |
解药( antidote的名词复数 ); 解毒剂; 对抗手段; 除害物 | |
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24 sneering | |
嘲笑的,轻蔑的 | |
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25 engraved | |
v.在(硬物)上雕刻(字,画等)( engrave的过去式和过去分词 );将某事物深深印在(记忆或头脑中) | |
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26 prospectuses | |
n.章程,简章,简介( prospectus的名词复数 ) | |
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27 squandered | |
v.(指钱,财产等)浪费,乱花( squander的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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28 maxim | |
n.格言,箴言 | |
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29 cynical | |
adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的,不信世道向善的 | |
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30 exacting | |
adj.苛求的,要求严格的 | |
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31 delightful | |
adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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32 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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33 propped | |
支撑,支持,维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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34 frugal | |
adj.节俭的,节约的,少量的,微量的 | |
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35 thrifty | |
adj.节俭的;兴旺的;健壮的 | |
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36 brook | |
n.小河,溪;v.忍受,容让 | |
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37 cascading | |
流注( cascade的现在分词 ); 大量落下; 大量垂悬; 梯流 | |
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38 ledges | |
n.(墙壁,悬崖等)突出的狭长部分( ledge的名词复数 );(平窄的)壁架;横档;(尤指)窗台 | |
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39 underlie | |
v.位于...之下,成为...的基础 | |
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40 persistent | |
adj.坚持不懈的,执意的;持续的 | |
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41 shears | |
n.大剪刀 | |
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42 sever | |
v.切开,割开;断绝,中断 | |
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43 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
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44 teller | |
n.银行出纳员;(选举)计票员 | |
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45 harassed | |
adj. 疲倦的,厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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46 perseverance | |
n.坚持不懈,不屈不挠 | |
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47 advertising | |
n.广告业;广告活动 a.广告的;广告业务的 | |
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48 rosy | |
adj.美好的,乐观的,玫瑰色的 | |
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49 tints | |
色彩( tint的名词复数 ); 带白的颜色; (淡色)染发剂; 痕迹 | |
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50 insufficiently | |
adv.不够地,不能胜任地 | |
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51 appreciative | |
adj.有鉴赏力的,有眼力的;感激的 | |
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52 inevitably | |
adv.不可避免地;必然发生地 | |
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53 transparent | |
adj.明显的,无疑的;透明的 | |
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54 panes | |
窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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55 precepts | |
n.规诫,戒律,箴言( precept的名词复数 ) | |
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