CONFESSIONS OF A “COLYUMIST”

 I can not imagine any pleasant job so full of pangs¹, or any painful job so full of pleasures, as the task of conducting a newspaper column.

 

The colyumist, when he begins his job, is disheartened because nobody notices it. He soon outgrows² this, and is disheartened because too many people notice it, and he imagines that all see the paltriness³ of it as plainly as he does. There is[Pg 35] nothing so amazing to him as to find that any one really enjoys his “stuff.” Poor soul, he remembers how he groaned⁴ over it at his desk. He remembers the hours he sat with lack-lustre eye and addled⁵ brain, brooding at the sluttish typewriter. He remembers the flush of shame that tingled⁶ him as he walked sadly homeward, thinking of some atrocious inanity⁷ he had sent upstairs to the composing-room. It is a job that engenders⁸ a healthy humility⁹.

 

I had always wanted to have a try at writing a column. Heaven help me, I think I had an idea that I was born for the job. I may as well be candid¹⁰. There was a time when I seriously thought of inserting the following ad in a Philadelphia newspaper. I find a memorandum¹¹ of it in my scrap-book:

 

Humorist: Young and untamed, lineal descendent¹² of Eugene Field, Frank Stockton, and Fran?ois Rabelais, desires to run a column in a Philadelphia newspaper. A guaranteed circulation-getter.

 

Said Humorist can also supply excellent veins¹³ of philosophy, poetry, satire¹⁴, uplift, glad material and indiscriminate musings. Remarkable¹⁵ opportunity for any newspaper desiring a really unusual editorial feature. Address Humorist, etc.

 

So besotted was I, I would have paid to have this printed if I had not been counselled by an older and wiser head.

 

I instance this to show that the colyumist is likely to begin his job with the conception that it is to be a[Pg 36] perpetual uproar¹⁶ of mirth and high spirits. This lasts about a week. He then learns, in secret, to take it rather seriously. He has to deal with the most elusive¹⁷ and grotesque¹⁸ material he knows—his own mind; and the unhappy creature, everlastingly¹⁹ probing himself in the hope of discovering what is so rare in minds (a thought), is likely to end in a ferment²⁰ of bitterness. The happiest times in life are when one can just live along and enjoy things as they happen. If you have to be endlessly speculating, watching, and making mental notes, your brain-gears soon get a hot box. The original of all paragraphers—Ecclesiastes—came very near ending as a complete cynic; though in what F. P. A. would call his “lastline,” he managed to wriggle²¹ into a more hopeful mood.

 

The first valuable discovery that the colyumist is likely to make is that all minds are very much the same. The doctors tell us that all patent medicines are built on a stock formula—a sedative²², a purge²³, and a bitter. If you are to make steady column-topers out of your readers, your daily dose must, as far as possible, average up to that same prescription²⁴. If you employ the purge all the time, or the sedative, or the acid, your clients will soon ask for something with another label.

 

Don Marquis once wrote an admirable little poem called “A Colyumist's Prayer.” Mr. Marquis, who is the king of all colyumists, realizes that there is[Pg 37] what one may call a religious side in colyumizing. It is hard to get the colyumist to admit this, for he fears spoofing worse than the devil; but it is eminently²⁵ true. If I were the owner of a newspaper, I think I would have painted up on the wall of the local room the following words from Isaiah, the best of all watchwords for all who write:

 

Woe²⁶ unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!

 

The most painful privilege of the colyumist's job is the number of people who drop in to see him, usually when he is imprecating his way toward the hour of going to press. This is all a part of the great and salutary human instinct against work. When people see a man toiling²⁷, they have an irresistible²⁸ impulse to crowd round and stop him. They seem to imagine that he has been put there on purpose to help them solve their problems, to find a job for their friend from Harrisburg, or to tell them how to find a publisher for their poems. Unhappily, their victim being merely human, is likely to grow a bit snappish under infliction²⁹. Yet now and then he gets a glimpse into a human vexation so sincere, so honest, and so moving that he turns away from the typewriter with a sigh. He wonders how one dare approach the chronicling of this muddled³⁰ panorama³¹ with anything but humility and despair. Frank[Pg 38] Harris once said of Oscar Wilde: “If England insists on treating her criminals like this, she doesn't deserve to have any.” Similarly, if the public insists on bringing its woes³² to its colyumists, it doesn't deserve to have any colyumists. Then the battered³³ jester turns again to his machine and ticks off something like this:

 

We have heard of ladies who have been tempted³⁴ beyond their strength. We have also seen some who have been strengthened beyond their temptation.

 

Of course there are good days, too. (This is not one of them.) Days when the whole course of the news seems planned for the benefit of the chaffish and irreverent commentator³⁵. When Governor Hobby of Texas issues a call for the state cavalry³⁶. When one of your clients drops in, in the goodness of his heart, to give you his own definition of a pessimist³⁷—a pessimist, he says, is a man who wears both belt and suspenders. When a big jewellery firm in the city puts out a large ad—

 

Bailey, Banks & Biddle Company

Watches for Women

Of Superior Design and Perfection

of Movement

all that one needs to do to that is to write over it the caption

1 pangs   

突然的剧痛( pang的名词复数 )； 悲痛

参考例句：

• She felt sudden pangs of regret. 她突然感到痛悔不已。
• With touching pathos he described the pangs of hunger. 他以极具感伤力的笔触描述了饥饿的痛苦。

2 outgrows   

长[发展] 得超过（某物）的范围( outgrow的第三人称单数 )； 长[发展]得不能再要（某物）； 长得比…快； 生长速度超过

参考例句：

• This variety of tomato outgrows all others. 这种品种的西红柿生长得比所有其他品种快。
• That boy outgrows his clothes every few months. 那男孩生长发育很快，每隔几个月他的衣服就穿不下了。

3 paltriness   

n.不足取，无价值

参考例句：

4 groaned   

v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦

参考例句：

• He groaned in anguish. 他痛苦地呻吟。
• The cart groaned under the weight of the piano. 大车在钢琴的重压下嘎吱作响。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 addled   

adj.（头脑）糊涂的，愚蠢的；（指蛋类）变坏v.使糊涂( addle的过去式和过去分词 )；使混乱；使腐臭；使变质

参考例句：

• Being in love must have addled your brain. 坠入爱河必已使你神魂颠倒。
• He has addled his head with reading and writing all day long. 他整天读书写字，头都昏了。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 tingled   

v.有刺痛感( tingle的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• My cheeks tingled with the cold. 我的脸颊冻得有点刺痛。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The crowd tingled with excitement. 群众大为兴奋。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

7 inanity   

n.无意义，无聊

参考例句：

• Their statement was a downright inanity.他们的声明是彻头彻尾的废话。
• I laugh all alone at my complete inanity.十分无聊时，我就独自大笑。

8 engenders   

v.产生（某形势或状况），造成，引起( engender的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• Sympathy often engenders love. 同情常常产生爱情。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• Some people believe poverty engenders crime. 有人认为贫困生罪恶。 来自辞典例句

9 humility   

n.谦逊，谦恭

参考例句：

• Humility often gains more than pride.谦逊往往比骄傲收益更多。
• His voice was still soft and filled with specious humility.他的声音还是那么温和，甚至有点谦卑。

10 candid   

adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的

参考例句：

• I cannot but hope the candid reader will give some allowance for it.我只有希望公正的读者多少包涵一些。
• He is quite candid with his friends.他对朋友相当坦诚。

11 memorandum   

n.备忘录，便笺

参考例句：

• The memorandum was dated 23 August,2008.备忘录上注明的日期是2008年8月23日。
• The Secretary notes down the date of the meeting in her memorandum book.秘书把会议日期都写在记事本上。

12 descendent   

adj. 下降的, 降落的, 世袭的 n. 后代，子孙 =descendant

参考例句：

• With no direct descendent, who will succeed to the title? 没有直系后裔，谁来继承爵位呢？
• He is a descendent of Queen Victoria. 他是维多利亚女王的后代。

13 veins   

n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理

参考例句：

• The blood flows from the capillaries back into the veins. 血从毛细血管流回静脉。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• I felt a pleasant glow in all my veins from the wine. 喝过酒后我浑身的血都热烘烘的，感到很舒服。 来自《简明英汉词典》

14 satire   

n.讽刺，讽刺文学，讽刺作品

参考例句：

• The movie is a clever satire on the advertising industry.那部影片是关于广告业的一部巧妙的讽刺作品。
• Satire is often a form of protest against injustice.讽刺往往是一种对不公正的抗议形式。

15 remarkable   

adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的

参考例句：

• She has made remarkable headway in her writing skills.她在写作技巧方面有了长足进步。
• These cars are remarkable for the quietness of their engines.这些汽车因发动机没有噪音而不同凡响。

16 uproar   

n.骚动，喧嚣，鼎沸

参考例句：

• She could hear the uproar in the room.她能听见房间里的吵闹声。
• His remarks threw the audience into an uproar.他的讲话使听众沸腾起来。

17 elusive   

adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的

参考例句：

• Try to catch the elusive charm of the original in translation.翻译时设法把握住原文中难以捉摸的风韵。
• Interpol have searched all the corners of the earth for the elusive hijackers.国际刑警组织已在世界各地搜查在逃的飞机劫持者。

18 grotesque   

adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物）

参考例句：

• His face has a grotesque appearance.他的面部表情十分怪。
• Her account of the incident was a grotesque distortion of the truth.她对这件事的陈述是荒诞地歪曲了事实。

19 everlastingly   

永久地，持久地

参考例句：

• Why didn't he hold the Yankees instead of everlastingly retreating? 他为什么不将北军挡住，反而节节败退呢？
• "I'm tired of everlastingly being unnatural and never doing anything I want to do. "我再也忍受不了这样无休止地的勉强自己，永远不能赁自己高兴做事。

20 ferment   

vt.使发酵；n./vt.（使）激动，（使）动乱

参考例句：

• Fruit juices ferment if they are kept a long time.果汁若是放置很久，就会发酵。
• The sixties were a time of theological ferment.六十年代是神学上骚动的时代。

21 wriggle   

v./n.蠕动，扭动；蜿蜒

参考例句：

• I've got an appointment I can't wriggle out of.我有个推脱不掉的约会。
• Children wriggle themselves when they are bored.小孩子感到厌烦时就会扭动他们的身体。

22 sedative   

adj.使安静的，使镇静的；n. 镇静剂，能使安静的东西

参考例句：

• After taking a sedative she was able to get to sleep.服用了镇静剂后，她能够入睡了。
• Amber bath oil has a sedative effect.琥珀沐浴油有镇静安神效用。

23 purge   

n.整肃，清除，泻药，净化；vt.净化，清除，摆脱；vi.清除，通便，腹泻，变得清洁

参考例句：

• The new president carried out a purge of disloyal army officers.新总统对不忠诚的军官进行了清洗。
• The mayoral candidate has promised to purge the police department.市长候选人答应清洗警察部门。

24 prescription   

n.处方，开药；指示，规定

参考例句：

• The physician made a prescription against sea- sickness for him.医生给他开了个治晕船的药方。
• The drug is available on prescription only.这种药只能凭处方购买。

25 eminently   

adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地

参考例句：

• She seems eminently suitable for the job. 她看来非常适合这个工作。
• It was an eminently respectable boarding school. 这是所非常好的寄宿学校。 来自《简明英汉词典》

26 woe   

n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌

参考例句：

• Our two peoples are brothers sharing weal and woe.我们两国人民是患难与共的兄弟。
• A man is well or woe as he thinks himself so.自认祸是祸，自认福是福。

27 toiling   

长时间或辛苦地工作( toil的现在分词 )； 艰难缓慢地移动，跋涉

参考例句：

• The fiery orator contrasted the idle rich with the toiling working classes. 这位激昂的演说家把无所事事的富人同终日辛劳的工人阶级进行了对比。
• She felt like a beetle toiling in the dust. She was filled with repulsion. 她觉得自己像只甲虫在地里挣扎，心中涌满愤恨。

28 irresistible   

adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的

参考例句：

• The wheel of history rolls forward with an irresistible force.历史车轮滚滚向前，势不可挡。
• She saw an irresistible skirt in the store window.她看见商店的橱窗里有一条叫人着迷的裙子。

29 infliction   

n.（强加于人身的）痛苦，刑罚

参考例句：

• Don't immerse yourself in the infliction too long.不要长时间沉浸在痛苦经历中。
• Instead of rivets there came an invasion,an infliction,and a visitation.但是铆钉并没有运来，来的却是骚扰、混乱和视察。

30 muddled   

adj.混乱的；糊涂的；头脑昏昏然的v.弄乱，弄糟( muddle的过去式)；使糊涂；对付，混日子

参考例句：

• He gets muddled when the teacher starts shouting. 老师一喊叫他就心烦意乱。
• I got muddled up and took the wrong turning. 我稀里糊涂地拐错了弯。 来自《简明英汉词典》

31 panorama   

n.全景，全景画，全景摄影，全景照片[装置]

参考例句：

• A vast panorama of the valley lay before us.山谷的广阔全景展现在我们面前。
• A flourishing and prosperous panorama spread out before our eyes.一派欣欣向荣的景象展现在我们的眼前。

32 woes   

困境( woe的名词复数 )； 悲伤； 我好苦哇； 某人就要倒霉

参考例句：

• Thanks for listening to my woes. 谢谢您听我诉说不幸的遭遇。
• She has cried the blues about its financial woes. 对于经济的困难她叫苦不迭。

33 battered   

adj.磨损的；v.连续猛击；磨损

参考例句：

• He drove up in a battered old car.他开着一辆又老又破的旧车。
• The world was brutally battered but it survived.这个世界遭受了惨重的创伤,但它还是生存下来了。

34 tempted   

v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词）

参考例句：

• I was sorely tempted to complain, but I didn't. 我极想发牢骚，但还是没开口。
• I was tempted by the dessert menu. 甜食菜单馋得我垂涎欲滴。

35 commentator   

n.注释者，解说者；实况广播评论员

参考例句：

• He is a good commentator because he can get across the game.他能简单地解说这场比赛，是个好的解说者。
• The commentator made a big mistake during the live broadcast.在直播节目中评论员犯了个大错误。

36 cavalry   

n.骑兵；轻装甲部队

参考例句：

• We were taken in flank by a troop of cavalry. 我们翼侧受到一队骑兵的袭击。
• The enemy cavalry rode our men down. 敌人的骑兵撞倒了我们的人。

37 pessimist   

n.悲观者；悲观主义者；厌世

参考例句：

• An optimist laughs to forget.A pessimist forgets to laugh.乐观者笑着忘却，悲观者忘记怎样笑。
• The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.悲观者在每个机会中都看到困难，乐观者在每个困难中都看到机会。