He envied the children, who lay upstairs sprawled18 under their mosquito nettings. Immersed in living, how happily unaware19 of being alive! He saw, with tenderness, how naively20 they looked to him as the answer and solution of their mimic21 problems. But where could he find someone to be to him what he was to them? The truth apparently22 was that in his inward mind he was desperately23 lonely. Reading the poets by fits and starts, he suddenly realized that in their divine pages moved something of this loneliness, this exquisite24 unhappiness. But these great hearts had had the consolation25 of setting down their moods in beautiful words, words that lived and spoke26. His own strange fever burned inexpressibly inside him. Was he the only one who felt the challenge offered by the maddening fertility and foison of the hot sun-dazzled earth? Life, he realized, was too amazing to be frittered out in this aimless sickness of heart. There were truths and wonders to be grasped, if he could only throw off this wistful vague desire. He felt like a clumsy strummer seated at a dark shining grand piano, which he knows is capable of every glory of rolling music, yet he can only elicit27 a few haphazard28 chords.
He had his moments of arrogance29, too. Ah, he was very young! This miracle of blue unblemished sky that had baffled all others since life began—he, he would unriddle it! He was inclined to sneer30 at his friends who took these things for granted, and did not perceive the infamous31 insolubility of the whole scheme. Remembering the promises made at the christening, he took the children to church; but alas32, carefully analyzing33 his mind, he admitted that his attention had been chiefly occupied with keeping them orderly, and he had gone through the service almost automatically. Only in singing hymns34 did he experience a tingle35 of exalted36 feeling. But Mr. Poodle was proud of his well-trained choir37, and Gissing had a feeling that the congregation was not supposed to do more than murmur38 the verses, for fear of spoiling the effect. In his favourite hymns he had a tendency to forget himself and let go: his vigorous tenor39 rang lustily. Then he realized that the backs of people's heads looked surprised. The children could not be kept quiet unless they stood up on the pews. Mr. Poodle preached rather a long sermon, and Yelpers, toward twelve-thirty, remarked in a clear tone of interested inquiry40, “What time does God have dinner?”
Gissing had a painful feeling that he and Mr. Poodle did not thoroughly41 understand each other. The curate, who was kindness itself, called one evening, and they had a friendly chat. Gissing was pleased to find that Mr. Poodle enjoyed a cigar, and after some hesitation42 ventured to suggest that he still had something in the cellar. Mr. Poodle said that he didn't care for anything, but his host could not help hearing the curate's tail quite unconsciously thumping43 on the chair cushions. So he excused himself and brought up one of his few remaining bottles of White Horse. Mr. Poodle crossed his legs and they chatted about golf, politics, the income tax, and some of the recent books; but when Gissing turned the talk on religion, Mr. Poodle became diffident.. Gissing, warmed and cheered by the vital Scotch44, was perhaps too direct.
“What ought I to do to 'crucify the old man'?” he said.
Mr. Poodle was rather embarrassed.
“You must mortify45 the desires of the flesh,” he replied. “You must dig up the old bone of sin that is buried in all our hearts.”
There were many more questions Gissing wanted to ask about this, but Mr. Poodle said he really must be going, as he had a call to pay on Mr. and Mrs. Chow.
Gissing walked down the path with him, and the curate did indeed set off toward the Chows'. But Gissing wondered, for a little later he heard a cheerful canticle upraised in the open fields.
He himself was far from gay. He longed to tear out this malady46 from his breast. Poor dreamer, he did not know that to do so is to tear out God Himself. “Mrs. Spaniel,” he said when the laundress next came up from the village, “you are a widow, aren't you?”
“Yes, sir,” she said. “Poor Spaniel was killed by a truck, two years ago April.” Her face was puzzled, but beneath her apron47 Gissing could see her tail wagging.
“Don't misunderstand me,” he said quickly. “I've got to go away on business. I want you to bring your children and move into this house while I'm gone. I'll make arrangements at the bank about paying all the bills. You can give up your outside washing and devote yourself entirely48 to looking after this place.”
Mrs. Spaniel was so much surprised that she could not speak. In her amazement49 a bright bubble dripped from the end of her curly tongue. Hastily she caught it in her apron, and apologized.
“How long will you be away, sir?” she asked.
“I don't know. It may be quite a long time.”
“But all your beautiful things, furniture and everything,” said Mrs. Spaniel. “I'm afraid my children are a bit rough. They're not used to living in a house like this—”
“Well,” said Gissing, “you must do the best you can. There are some things more important than furniture. It will be good for your children to get accustomed to refined surroundings, and it'll be good for my nephews to have someone to play with. Besides, I don't want them to grow up spoiled mollycoddles50. I think I've been fussing over them too much. If they have good stuff in them, a little roughening won't do any permanent harm.”
“Dear me,” cried Mrs. Spaniel, “what will the neighbours think?”
“They won't,” said Gissing. “I don't doubt they'll talk, but they won't think. Thinking is very rare. I've got to do some myself, that's one reason why I'm going. You know, Mrs. Spaniel, God is a horizon, not someone sitting on a throne.” Mrs. Spaniel didn't understand this—in fact, she didn't seem to hear it. Her mind was full of the idea that she would simply have to have a new dress, preferably black silk, for Sundays. Gissing, very sagacious, had already foreseen this point. “Let's not have any argument,” he continued. “I have planned everything. Here is some money for immediate51 needs. I'll speak to them at the bank, and they will give you a weekly allowance. I leave you here as caretaker. Later on I'll send you an address and you can write me how things are going.”
Poor Mrs. Spaniel was bewildered. She came of very decent people, but since Spaniel took to drink, and then left her with a family to support, she had sunk in the world. She was wondering now how she could face it out with Mrs. Chow and Mrs. Fox-Terrier and the other neighbours.
“Oh, dear,” she cried, “I don't know what to say, sir. Why, my boys are so disreputable-looking, they haven't even a collar between them.”
“Get them collars and anything else they need,” said Gissing kindly52. “Don't worry, Mrs. Spaniel, it will be a fine thing for you. There will be a little gossip, I dare say, but we'll have to chance that. Now you had better go down to the village and make your arrangements. I'm leaving tonight.”
Late that evening, after seeing Mrs. Spaniel and her brood safely installed, Gissing walked to the station with his suitcase. He felt a pang53 as he lifted the mosquito nettings and kissed the cool moist noses of the sleeping trio. But he comforted himself by thinking that this was no merely vulgar desertion. If he was to raise the family, he must earn some money. His modest income would not suffice for this sudden increase in expenses. Besides, he had never known what freedom meant until it was curtailed54. For the past three months he had lived in ceaseless attendance; had even slept with one ear open for the children's cries. Now he owed it to himself to make one great strike for peace. Wealth, he could see, was the answer. With money, everything was attainable55: books, leisure for study, travel, prestige—in short, command over the physical details of life. He would go in for Big Business. Already he thrilled with a sense of power and prosperity.
The little house stood silent in the darkness as he went down the path. The night was netted with the weaving sparkle of fireflies. He stood for a moment, looking. Suddenly there came a frightened cry from the nursery.
“Daddy, a keeto, a keeto!”
He nearly turned to run back, but checked himself. No, Mrs. Spaniel was now in charge. It was up to her. Besides, he had only just enough time to catch the last train to the city.
But he sat on the cinder-speckled plush of the smoker56 in a mood that was hardly revelry. “By Jove,” he said to himself, “I got away just in time. Another month and I couldn't have done it.”
It was midnight when he saw the lights of town, panelled in gold against a peacock sky. Acres and acres of blue darkness lay close-pressing upon the gaudy57 grids58 of light. Here one might really look at this great miracle of shadow and see its texture59. The dulcet60 air drifted lazily in deep, silent crosstown streets. “Ah,” he said, “here is where the blue begins.”
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1
wheedling
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| v.骗取（某物），哄骗（某人干某事）( wheedle的现在分词 ) | |
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vibration
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| n.颤动，振动；摆动 | |
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incessant
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| adj.不停的，连续的 | |
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throb
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| v.震颤，颤动；(急速强烈地)跳动，搏动 | |
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locust
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| n.蝗虫；洋槐，刺槐 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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7
sonorous
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| adj.响亮的，回响的；adv.圆润低沉地；感人地；n.感人，堂皇 | |
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8
bruit
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| v.散布；n.（听诊时所听到的）杂音；吵闹 | |
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9
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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10
eddy
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| n.漩涡，涡流 | |
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drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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12
minutiae
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| n.微小的细节，细枝末节；（常复数）细节，小事( minutia的名词复数 ) | |
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13
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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14
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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15
appalled
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| v.使惊骇，使充满恐惧( appall的过去式和过去分词)adj.惊骇的；丧胆的 | |
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16
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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17
ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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18
sprawled
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| v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的过去式和过去分词)；蔓延；杂乱无序地拓展；四肢伸展坐着（或躺着） | |
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19
unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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naively
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| adv. 天真地 | |
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21
mimic
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| v.模仿，戏弄；n.模仿他人言行的人 | |
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22
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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23
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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24
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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25
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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26
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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27
elicit
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| v.引出,抽出,引起 | |
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28
haphazard
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| adj.无计划的，随意的，杂乱无章的 | |
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arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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30
sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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31
infamous
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| adj.声名狼藉的，臭名昭著的，邪恶的 | |
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32
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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33
analyzing
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| v.分析；分析( analyze的现在分词 )；分解；解释；对…进行心理分析n.分析 | |
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34
hymns
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| n.赞美诗，圣歌，颂歌( hymn的名词复数 ) | |
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35
tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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36
exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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37
choir
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| n.唱诗班，唱诗班的席位，合唱团，舞蹈团；v.合唱 | |
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38
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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39
tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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40
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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41
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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42
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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43
thumping
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| adj.重大的，巨大的；重击的；尺码大的；极好的adv.极端地；非常地v.重击(thump的现在分词)；狠打；怦怦地跳；全力支持 | |
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44
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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45
mortify
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| v.克制，禁欲，使受辱 | |
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46
malady
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| n.病，疾病(通常做比喻) | |
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47
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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48
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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49
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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50
mollycoddles
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| v.娇养，宠坏( mollycoddle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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51
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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52
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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53
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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54
curtailed
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| v.截断，缩短( curtail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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55
attainable
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| a.可达到的，可获得的 | |
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56
smoker
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| n.吸烟者，吸烟车厢，吸烟室 | |
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57
gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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58
grids
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| n.格子( grid的名词复数 )；地图上的坐标方格；（输电线路、天然气管道等的）系统网络；（汽车比赛）赛车起跑线 | |
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59
texture
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| n.(织物)质地；(材料)构造；结构；肌理 | |
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60
dulcet
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| adj.悦耳的 | |
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