Stephen was now nearly twelve. Her range of friendships, naturally limited by her circumstances in life, was enlarged to the full; and if she had not many close friends there were at least of them all that was numerically possible. She still kept up to certain degree the little gatherings2 which in her childhood were got together for her amusement, and in the various games then instituted she still took a part. She never lost sight of the fact that her father took a certain pleasure in her bodily vigour4. And though with her growing years and the conscious acceptance of her womanhood, she lost sight of the old childish fancy of being a boy instead of a girl, she could not lose sight of the fact that strength and alertness are sources of feminine as well as of masculine power.
Amongst the young friends who came from time to time during his holidays was Leonard Everard, now a tall, handsome boy. He was one of those boys who develop young, and who seem never to have any of that gawky stage so noticeable in the youth of men made in a large pattern. He was always well-poised, trim-set, alert; fleet of foot, and springy all over. In games he was facile princeps, seeming to make his effort always in the right way and without exertion5, as if by an instinct of physical masterdom. His universal success in such matters helped to give him an easy debonair6 manner which was in itself winning. So physically7 complete a youth has always a charm. In its very presence there is a sort of sympathetic expression, such as comes with the sunshine.
Stephen always in Leonard’s presence showed something of the common attitude. His youth and beauty and sex all had their influence on her. The influence of sex, as it is understood with regard to a later period of life, did not in her case exist; Cupid’s darts8 are barbed and winged for more adult victims. But in her case Leonard’s masculine superiority, emphasised by the few years between their age, his sublime9 self-belief, and, above all, his absolute disregard for herself or her wishes or her feelings, put him on a level at which she had to look up to him. The first step in the ladder of pre-eminence had been achieved when she realised that he was not on her level; the second when she experienced rather than thought that he had more influence on her than she had on him. Here again was a little morsel10 of hero worship, which, though based on a misconception of fact, was still of influence. In that episode of the crypt she had always believed that it was Leonard who had carried her out and laid her on the church floor in light and safety. He had been strong enough and resolute11 enough to do this, whilst she had fainted! Harold’s generous forbearance had really worked to a false end.
It was not strange, therefore, that she found occasional companionship with the handsome, wilful12, domineering boy somewhat of luxury. She did not see him often enough to get tired of him; to find out the weakness of his character; to realise his deep-seated, remorseless selfishness. But after all he was only an episode in a young life which was full of interests. Term after term came and went; the holidays had their seasonable pleasures, occasionally shared in common. That was all.
Harold’s attitude was the same as ever. He was of a constant nature; and now that manhood was within hail the love of his boyhood was ripening13 to a man’s love. That was all. He was with regard to Stephen the same devoted14, worshipping protector, without thought of self; without hope of reward. Whatever Stephen wished Harold did; and Stephen, knowing their old wishes and their old pleasures, was content with their renewal15. Each holiday between the terms became mainly a repetition of the days of the old life. They lived in the past.
Amongst the things that did not change was Stephen’s riding dress. The scarlet16 habit had never been a thing for everyday wear, but had from the first been kept for special occasions. Stephen herself knew that it was not a conventional costume; but she rather preferred it, if on that account alone. In a certain way she felt justified17 in using it; for a red habit was a sort of tradition in the family.
It was on one of these occasions that she had gone with Harold into the churchyard where they had heard the discussion regarding God and the Angels.
* * * * *
When Stephen was about sixteen she went for a short visit to Oxford18. She stayed at Somerville with Mrs. Egerton, an old friend of her mother’s, who was a professor at the college. She sent back her maid who had travelled with her, as she knew that the college girls did not have servants of their own. The visit was prolonged by mutual19 consent into a duration of some weeks. Stephen fell in love with the place and the life, and had serious thoughts of joining the college herself. Indeed she had made up her mind to ask her father to allow her, knowing well that he would consent to that or to any other wholesome20 wish of hers. But then came the thought that he would be all alone at home; and following that came another thought, and one of more poignant21 feeling. He was alone now! Already, for many days, she had left him, for the first time in her life! Stephen was quick to act; well she knew that at home there would be no fault found with her for a speedy return. Within a few hours she had brought her visit to an end, and was by herself, despite Mrs. Egerton’s protest, in the train on the way back to Norcester.
In the train she began to review, for the first time, her visit to the university. All had been so strange and new and delightful22 to her that she had never stopped for retrospect23. Life in the new and enchanting24 place had been in the moving present. The mind had been receptive only, gathering3 data for later thought. During her visit she had had no one to direct her thought, and so it had been all personal, with the freedom of individuality at large. Of course her mother’s friend, skilled in the mind-workings of average girls, and able to pick her way through intellectual and moral quagmires25, had taken good care to point out to her certain intellectual movements and certain moral lessons; just as she had in their various walks and drives pointed27 out matters of interest—architectural beauties and spots of historic import. And she had taken in, loyally accepted, and thoroughly28 assimilated all that she had been told. But there were other lessons which were for her young eyes; facts which the older eyes had ceased to notice, if they had ever noticed them at all. The self-content, the sex-content in the endless tide of young men that thronged29 the streets and quads30 and parks; the all-sufficing nature of sport or study, to whichever their inclinations31 tended. The small part which womankind seemed to have in their lives. Stephen had had, as we know, a peculiar32 training; whatever her instincts were, her habits were largely boy habits. Here she was amongst boys, a glorious tide of them; it made now and again her heart beat to look at them. And yet amongst them all she was only an outsider. She could not do anything better than any of them. Of course, each time she went out, she became conscious of admiring glances; she could not be woman without such consciousness. But it was as a girl that men looked at her, not as an equal. As well as personal experience and the lessons of eyes and ears and intelligence, there were other things to classify and adjust; things which were entirely33 from the outside of her own life. The fragments of common-room gossip, which it had been her fortune to hear accidentally now and again. The half confidences of scandals, borne on whispered breaths. The whole confidences of dormitory and study which she had been privileged to share. All were parts of the new and strange world, the great world which had swum into her ken26.
As she sat now in the train, with some formulation of memory already accomplished34 in the two hours of solitude35, her first comment, spoken half audibly, would have surprised her teachers as much as it would have surprised herself, if she had been conscious of it; for as yet her thinking was not self-conscious:
‘Surely, I am not like that!’
It was of the women she had been thinking, not of the men. The glimpse which she had had of her own sex had been an awakening36 to her; and the awakening had not been to a pleasant world. All at once she seemed to realise that her sex had defects—littlenesses, meannesses, cowardices, falsenesses. That their occupations were apt to be trivial or narrow or selfish; that their desires were earthly, and their tastes coarse; that what she held to be goodness was apt to be realised only as fear. That innocence37 was but ignorance, or at least baffled curiosity. That . . .
A flood of shame swept over her, and instinctively38 she put her hands before her burning face. As usual, she was running all at once into extremes.
And above all these was borne upon her, and for the first time in her life, that she was herself a woman!
For a long time she sat quite still. The train thrilled and roared on its way. Crowded stations took and gave their quantum of living freight; but the young girl sat abstracted, unmoved, seemingly unconscious. All the dominance and energy of her nature were at work.
If, indeed, she was a woman, and had to abide39 by the exigencies40 of her own sex, she would at least not be ruled and limited by woman’s weakness. She would plan and act and manage things for herself, in her own way.
Whatever her thoughts might be, she could at least control her acts. And those acts should be based not on woman’s weakness, but on man’s strength!
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1
squire
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| n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅 | |
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gatherings
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| 聚集( gathering的名词复数 )； 收集； 采集； 搜集 | |
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3
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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exertion
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| n.尽力，努力 | |
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debonair
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| adj.殷勤的，快乐的 | |
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7
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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8
darts
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| n.掷飞镖游戏；飞镖( dart的名词复数 )；急驰，飞奔v.投掷，投射( dart的第三人称单数 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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9
sublime
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| adj.崇高的，伟大的；极度的，不顾后果的 | |
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morsel
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| n.一口，一点点 | |
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resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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13
ripening
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| v.成熟，使熟( ripen的现在分词 )；熟化；熟成 | |
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14
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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15
renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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retrospect
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| n.回顾，追溯；v.回顾，回想，追溯 | |
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enchanting
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| a.讨人喜欢的 | |
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quagmires
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| n.沼泽地，泥潭( quagmire的名词复数 ) | |
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ken
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| n.视野，知识领域 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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thronged
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| v.成群，挤满( throng的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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quads
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| n.四倍( quad的名词复数 )；空铅；（大学的）四周有建筑物围绕的方院；四胞胎之一 | |
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31
inclinations
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| 倾向( inclination的名词复数 )； 倾斜； 爱好； 斜坡 | |
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32
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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33
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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34
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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36
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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39
abide
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| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
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exigencies
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| n.急切需要 | |
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