Terence, forced to stay at Wallingford a day longer than he had intended, tried to put the added time to profit.
Her life had been turned upside down with joy, its dulness was on fire with an undreamed-of satisfaction; and she neither knew nor cared what might come next, so long as it kept the flame that was lit in her alive.
She lived for the unexpected, and she would show no discrimination in accepting it. Everything in that land was so new to her that no one thing seemed more alien than another; nothing had a special air of peril4 or of safety, of warning or of promise: all things were equally and perturbingly5 improbable, and supreme6.
Terence realized how vague suddenly had become all her boundaries of conduct, and desired without delay to fix a frontier beyond which neither of them should go.
He would withdraw from nothing that his kiss had even seemed to promise; but he wished to put what it had not inalterably beyond her reach.
The optimism of such a hope can only be accounted for by his absolute ignorance of women; but her shyness, in a situation so strange to her, seemed to justify7 it while he remained at Wallingford.
But later, as her letters began to multiply, he realized how profound was his mistake. She rode her fancy wherever it led her, and he might as well have tried to fix a frontier for the north wind.
She wrote persistently8 of his love, of its greatness, its gladness, its splendid illumination of her life.
Her exultation10 in a thing which had no real existence was terrible to Terence.
Her dull unhappy being was transformed by a miracle as wonderful as that which creates the glory of painted wings from a withered11 chrysalis.
And he had wrought12 it. He, by some ignorant magic, had set her life afloat on pinions13 frailer14 and more resplendent than a butterfly's, to touch which roughly was to destroy her.
That was, of course, too brutal15 to be thought of. He must accept what he had done, however little he had meant to do it; must trust to time to dull its marvel16 and bring the woman back to earth.
But there seemed little likelihood of that at first, and with the increasing rapture17 of her letters Terence grew ever more dismayed.
Yet if he tried to lure18 her down to sanity19, an agonized20 reply would be flung at him by the post's return, only to make his fears more vivid, and to compel from him, in sheer abasement21, an expression of sentiment which he not only did not possess, but would have shrunk from possessing.
"Swear," she had written, not once, nor twice; "swear that you love no other woman; that you have never loved another woman; that I fill all your thoughts!"
Those were easy oaths, and true; but they did not content her. It was not enough that no other woman had a lien3 upon his past: his whole existence must be proscribed22 for her.
"Tell me," she prayed, "that I shall be everything to you always! It kills me to think that any love could move you after mine. I cannot have renounced23 my pride, my honour, my self-respect, for less than that."
He could but smile unmirthfully at her renunciations. His were privileges, it seemed, to her thinking, that any man might sigh for; though apparently24 they were to include a monastic seclusion25 from the world of sense, a virginity devoted26, not to her passion—and for passion a man might be content to live or die—but to her sentimental27 fancies.
"Say," she pleaded, unsatisfied by his replies, which to such extortionate demands could be but vague, "say that I alone of all the women in the world can ever satisfy all your longings28; that it would seem a degrading sacrilege to let any other woman come after me even in your thoughts! Tell me, even though I die, that my memory must keep you true."
He gazed at that for a day to get his breath, but the delay was all too long for hers.
"Write, write," she panted, on the morrow; "I cannot live unless I hear from you. Have you no feeling for a woman's dignity that you can give me over in this way to its scorn? I fling everything that I possess before you, and you find it not even worth acknowledgment."
What could he say? How could he answer her? Her blindness was sublime29, detestable, ridiculous, as you were pleased to view it; but to blindness one could never refuse a hand.
Distressed30 by a necessity of which he had been the unwitting cause, Terence extended his. But his ignorance mitigated31 his foreboding; he still trusted to time.
Time, however, brought him but little comfort. If her letters became saner32, it was only since he had thrown her insanity33 a sop34. When they met a month later his difficulties were increased.
He was to be as other men were not, to keep her staunch by an undreamed-of virtue37. The lover's heart must animate38 to her perception only the unimpeachable39 kindness of the friend.
She had her wish, but had it, perhaps, in a perfection for which she was not prepared.
She seemed determined40 to leave no doubts as to his fortitude41. She hung upon him so literally42 that he had to exert not moral fibre only to support her.
But she drew no consolation44 from his strength. It was not strength, she told him, but indifference45; she had asked for a sentry46, and he had given her a statue.
She tried to soften47 the statue by every feminine artifice48, even, at last, by kissing its irresponsive face.
He, invincibly49 simple, smiled at the wiles50 he thought were used to try him; and stiffened51 himself into the pose he had been convinced was her desire.
If it ever had been, she outlived it before long. Its end was advertised by an hysterical52 outbreak, which Terence never could recall without a shudder53.
They were both, at the time, in town, where they met two or three times a week, and he had called to bring her some tickets.
She was sitting on a lounge in a remote corner of the room, and gave him her hand with blank indifference.
Unequal always to resolve her moods, he sustained a monologue54 from the fireplace on the trifles of the hour, until her persistent9 silence compelled him to ask its cause.
She replied listlessly, after some pressing, that it must be of no importance since he could ignore it.
She had merely been deceived in him, that was all: a common thing with a woman. He had proved himself to be just a man, like every other; and not the man of men she had supposed him.
It had amused him, no doubt, to win her love; now, it seemed, he was tired of it.
He had spoilt her life, he had destroyed her faith; but such things, of course, weren't worth mentioning: the great matter was, naturally, that a man should not be bored.
Now, she supposed, they might as well end the farce55 between them, so that he could amuse himself elsewhere. All she had lived for was over for ever, and she did not care what became of her.
She poured out the indictment56 to his bewildered ears in the level tones of utter apathy57; but when it was done she flung herself violently across the head of the lounge in a tempest of passionate58 tears.
Terence, despairing of any further fitness or sanity in the affair, resigned himself to the situation with a sigh, and knelt beside her for an hour, until she appeared to draw from his caresses59 a renewed confidence in life.
He left her, sufficiently60 depressed61 himself, and expecting anything but a letter which reached him on the morrow by the earliest post.
It must have been written very shortly after his departure, which she had done her utmost to delay, yet it proclaimed her as too shamed by what had happened ever to meet him again, unless he felt himself strong enough to prevent such scenes in the future.
Feeling strong enough for nothing, he left her letter unanswered for a day, and received, on the next, eight pages of aggrieved62 reproaches for having forsaken63 her in the hour of her greatest need.
That was but the prelude64 to many meetings of as strange a kind. He never knew in what mood he should find her, nor in which she might wish to find him.
He believed her revulsions of propriety65 to be sincere, but felt she had no business with so many, especially since he offered her every assistance to avoid the need of them. He respected her for the first, pitied her for the second, endured the third in silence, and then began to hate them.
He did not expect a woman to know her own mind, but he thought her ignorance might be more agreeable.
So passed what was for Terence a very melancholy66 winter. He bore it with a resignation nerved by the near prospect67 of escape to a berth68 in Paris, which had been as good as promised him when it became vacant. Meanwhile Downing Street saw more of him than usual, and he took every opportunity of immersing himself still deeper in his work.
The post he had been expecting became available in March, and, too modest to urge his claim or to remind his patron, he was mortified69 to find one morning that it had been filled by another.
He accepted his ill-fortune silently, and only learnt a month later to whom he owed it.
He was enlightened then by accident, the peer, in whose gift the appointment practically lay, happening to express a regret that Terence had not seen his way to accept it.
"To accept it!" he replied, laughing. "It wasn't offered me."
"It wasn't offered you," said the other slowly, "because a certain friend of yours told me you had determined definitely, for the present, not to leave England."
Terence met the speaker's searching glance, which smouldered with admonition.
He understood to whom the "certain friend" referred, as well as the warning against feminine influence in his chief's eye; and, for a moment of sick disappointment, he burned to confront the woman who had betrayed him with his knowledge of her perfidy71, to fling this piece of unimagined baseness in her face, and so be rid of her.
But he realized ruefully within an hour that no such release was possible, at least for him. She had but done this thing to keep him near her.
She would plead that to stoop to such an act of treachery to the one who was dearest to her only proved how ungovernable was her love. There would be another horrible scene. She would threaten again to kill herself. And in the end he would succumb72. Each sacrifice he had made for her only committed him to a fresh one. She had cultivated weakness in order to revel73 in his strength; he had pauperized her with his soul. Had she been a woman of rages, of pride, of resentments74, it would have proved another matter; but how was it possible to hurt a thing that clung about one's neck.
So he said no more of his discomfiture75, bitter as it was to his ambition as well as to his hopes of freedom. Her querulous exactions had already alienated76 his sympathies, so that it was no harder now to be kind to her than it had been before.
And he was glad to know definitely what he had to fear from her, even though the definition was so inclusive. He determined to loosen, slowly and gently, those tendrils of sentiment by which she clung to him, which were so enfeebling her self-support.
But he saw that he had little to hope for save from time and the natural infidelity of her sex.
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1
appreciable
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| adj.明显的，可见的，可估量的，可觉察的 | |
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hazy
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| adj.有薄雾的，朦胧的；不肯定的，模糊的 | |
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lien
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| n.扣押权，留置权 | |
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peril
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| n.(严重的)危险；危险的事物 | |
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perturbingly
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| 使（某人）烦恼，不安( perturb的现在分词 ) | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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exultation
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| n.狂喜，得意 | |
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withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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12
wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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13
pinions
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| v.抓住[捆住]（双臂）( pinion的第三人称单数 ) | |
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14
frailer
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| 脆弱的( frail的比较级 )； 易损的； 易碎的 | |
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15
brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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16
marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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17
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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18
lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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19
sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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agonized
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| v.使（极度）痛苦，折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 )；苦斗；苦苦思索；感到极度痛苦 | |
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21
abasement
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| n.滥用 | |
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22
proscribed
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| v.正式宣布（某事物）有危险或被禁止( proscribe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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23
renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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24
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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seclusion
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| n.隐遁，隔离 | |
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26
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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28
longings
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| 渴望，盼望( longing的名词复数 ) | |
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29
sublime
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| adj.崇高的，伟大的；极度的，不顾后果的 | |
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30
distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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31
mitigated
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| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
saner
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| adj.心智健全的( sane的比较级 )；神志正常的；明智的；稳健的 | |
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33
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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sop
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| n.湿透的东西，懦夫；v.浸，泡，浸湿 | |
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35
entreated
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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36
repression
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| n.镇压，抑制，抑压 | |
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37
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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38
animate
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| v.赋于生命，鼓励；adj.有生命的，有生气的 | |
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39
unimpeachable
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| adj.无可指责的；adv.无可怀疑地 | |
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40
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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41
fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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42
literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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43
drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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44
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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45
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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46
sentry
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| n.哨兵，警卫 | |
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47
soften
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| v.(使)变柔软；(使)变柔和 | |
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48
artifice
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| n.妙计，高明的手段；狡诈，诡计 | |
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49
invincibly
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| adv.难战胜地，无敌地 | |
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50
wiles
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| n.（旨在欺骗或吸引人的）诡计，花招；欺骗，欺诈( wile的名词复数 ) | |
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51
stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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52
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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53
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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54
monologue
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| n.长篇大论，（戏剧等中的）独白 | |
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55
farce
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| n.闹剧，笑剧，滑稽戏；胡闹 | |
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56
indictment
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| n.起诉；诉状 | |
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57
apathy
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| n.漠不关心，无动于衷；冷淡 | |
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58
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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59
caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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60
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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61
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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62
aggrieved
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| adj.愤愤不平的，受委屈的；悲痛的；（在合法权利方面）受侵害的v.令委屈，令苦恼，侵害( aggrieve的过去式)；令委屈，令苦恼，侵害( aggrieve的过去式和过去分词) | |
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63
Forsaken
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| adj. 被遗忘的, 被抛弃的 动词forsake的过去分词 | |
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64
prelude
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| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
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65
propriety
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| n.正当行为；正当；适当 | |
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66
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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67
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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68
berth
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| n.卧铺，停泊地，锚位；v.使停泊 | |
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69
mortified
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| v.使受辱( mortify的过去式和过去分词 )；伤害（人的感情）；克制；抑制（肉体、情感等） | |
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70
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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71
perfidy
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| n.背信弃义，不忠贞 | |
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72
succumb
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| v.屈服，屈从；死 | |
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73
revel
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| vi.狂欢作乐，陶醉；n.作乐，狂欢 | |
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74
resentments
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| （因受虐待而）愤恨，不满，怨恨( resentment的名词复数 ) | |
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75
discomfiture
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| n.崩溃；大败；挫败；困惑 | |
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76
alienated
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| adj.感到孤独的，不合群的v.使疏远( alienate的过去式和过去分词 )；使不友好；转让；让渡（财产等） | |
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