The second case was that of an exacting6 duke whom I had to visit at regular periods and, according to the ducal pleasure, I should be at the door at least one minute before the appointed hour struck. I was now hopelessly late and consequently flurried. On reaching the ducal abode8 I flew upstairs prepared to meet the storm. His Grace ignored my apologies and suggested, with uncouth9 irony10, that I had been at a cricket match. He added that it was evident that I took no interest in him, that his sufferings were nothing to me, and concluded by asserting that if he had been dying I should not have hurried. I always regard remarks of this type as a symptom of disease rather than as a considered criticism of conduct, and therefore had little difficulty in bringing the duke to a less contentious11 frame of mind by reverting12 to that topic of the day—his engrossing13 disorder14.
The duke never allowed his comfort to be in any way disturbed. He considered his disease as a personal affront15 to himself, and I therefore discussed it from the point of view of an unprovoked and indecent outrage16. This he found217 very pleasing, although I failed to answer his repeated inquiry17 as to why His Grace the Duke of X should be afflicted18 in this rude and offensive manner. It was evident that his position should have exempted19 him from what was quite a vulgar disorder, and it was incomprehensible that he, of all people, should have been selected for this insult.
The interview over, I made my report to the duchess, who was in a little room adjacent to the hall. She followed me out to ask a final question just as I was on the point of taking my hat. The hat handed to me by the butler was, however, a new hat I had never seen before. It was of a shape I disliked. The butler, with due submission20, said it was the hat I came in. I replied it was impossible, and, putting it on my head, showed that it was so small as to be absurd. The duchess, who was a lady of prompt convictions, exclaimed, “Ridiculous; that was never your hat!” The butler could say no more: he was convicted of error. The duchess then seized upon the only other hat on the table and held it at arm’s length. “Whose is this?” she cried. “Heavens, it is the shabbiest hat I ever saw! It cannot be yours.” (It was not.) Looking inside, she added, “What a filthy21 hat!218 It is enough to poison the house.” Handing it to the butler as if it had been an infected rag, she exclaimed, “Take it away and burn it!”
The butler did not at once convey this garbage to the flames, but remarked—as if talking in his sleep—“There is a pianoforte tuner in the drawing-room.” The duchess stared with amazement22 at this inconsequent remark. Whereupon the butler added that the new hat I had rejected might possibly be his. He was at once sent up to confront the artist, whose aimless tinkling23 could be heard in the hall, with the further message that if the dirty hat should happen to be his he was never to enter the house again. The butler returned to say that the musician did not “use” a hat. He wore a cap, which same he had produced from his pocket.
While the butler was away a great light had illumined the mind of the duchess. It appeared that Lord Andrew, her son-in-law, had called that afternoon with his wife. He had just left, his wife remaining behind. It was soon evident that the duchess had a grievance24 against her son-in-law. When the light fell upon her she exclaimed to me, “I see it all now. This horrible hat is Andrew’s. He has taken yours by mistake and has left this disgusting thing219 behind. It is just like him. He is the worst-dressed man in London, and this hat is just the kind he would wear.”
At this moment the daughter appeared. She had overheard her mother’s decided25 views, and was proportionately indignant. She disdained26 to even look at the hat, preferring to deal with the indictment27 of Andrew on general grounds. She defended her husband from the charge of being unclean with no little show of temper. Without referring to the specific hat, she said she was positive, on a priori grounds, that Andrew would never wear a dirty hat. Her mother had no right to say such things. It was unjust and unkind.
The duchess was now fully28 roused. She was still more positive. This, she affirmed, was just the sort of thing Andrew would do—leave an old hat behind and take a good one. She would send him at once a note by a footman demanding the immediate29 return of my hat and the removal of his own offensive headgear.
The daughter, deeply hurt, had withdrawn30 from the discussion. I suggested that as Lady Andrew was about to go home she might inquire if a mistake had been made. Her Grace, however, was far too moved to listen to such220 moderation. She wanted to tell Andrew what she thought of him, and it was evident she had long been seeking the opportunity. So she at once stamped off to write the note. In the meanwhile I waited, gazing in great melancholy31 of mind at the two hats. The silent butler also kept his eyes fixed32 upon them with a gloom even deeper than mine. I had hinted that the new hat might belong to Lord Andrew, but the duchess had already disposed of that suggestion by remarking with assurance that Andrew never wore a new hat. The note was produced and at once dispatched by a footman.
I have no idea of the wording of the note, but I was satisfied that the duchess had not been ambiguous, and that she had told her son-in-law precisely33 what were her present views of him in a wider sense than could be expressed in terms of hats. The writing of the letter had relieved her. She was almost calm.
She now told the silent butler to fetch one of the duke’s hats, so that I might have at least some decent covering to my bare head thus unscrupulously stripped by the unclean Andrew. The butler returned with a very smart hat of the duke’s. It had apparently34 never been worn. It fitted me to perfection. In this vicarious coronet221 I regained35 my carriage. I felt almost kindly36 towards the duke now that I was wearing his best hat.
Next day I placed the ducal hat in a befitting hat-box and, having put on another hat of my own, was starting for the scene of the downfall of Lord Andrew. At my door a note was handed me. It was from the suburban37 doctor. He very courteously38 pointed7 out that I had taken his hat by mistake, and said he would be glad if I would return it at my convenience, as he had no other, and my hat came down over his eyes. It was a dreadful picture, that of a respected practitioner39 going his rounds with a hat resting on the bridge of his nose; but at least it cleared up the mystery of the new hat. The butler was right. In my anxiety at being late on the previous afternoon I was evidently not conscious that I was wearing a hat which must have looked like a thimble on the top of an egg.
On reaching the ducal residence I was received by the butler. He said nothing; but it seemed to me that he smiled immoderately for a butler. The two hats, the new and the dirty, were still on the table, but the duchess made no appearance. I returned the duke’s hat with appropriate thanks and expressed regret for the stupid mistake222 I had made on the occasion of my last visit. I then placed the doctor’s new hat I had repudiated40 in the hat-box ready for removal.
The full mystery was still unsolved, while the butler stood in the hall like a hypnotized sphinx. I said, in a light and casual way, “And what about Lord Andrew? Did his lordship answer the note?” The butler replied, with extreme emphasis, “He did indeed!” Poor duchess, I thought, what a pity she had been so violent and so hasty.
Still the dirty hat remained shrouded41 in mystery, so, pointing to it, I said to the butler, “By the way, whose hat is that?” “That hat, sir,” he replied, adopting the manner of a showman in a museum, “that hat is the duke’s. It is the hat His Grace always wears when he goes out in the morning.” “But then,” I asked, “why did you not tell the duchess so yesterday?” He replied, “What, sir! After Her Grace had said that the hat was enough to poison the house! Not me!”
The End
The End
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1
consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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portico
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| n.柱廊，门廊 | |
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perspiring
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| v.出汗，流汗( perspire的现在分词 ) | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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6
exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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7
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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8
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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9
uncouth
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| adj.无教养的，粗鲁的 | |
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irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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11
contentious
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| adj.好辩的，善争吵的 | |
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12
reverting
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| 恢复( revert的现在分词 )； 重提； 回到…上； 归还 | |
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13
engrossing
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| adj.使人全神贯注的，引人入胜的v.使全神贯注( engross的现在分词 ) | |
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14
disorder
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| n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调 | |
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15
affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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16
outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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17
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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18
afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
exempted
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| 使免除[豁免]( exempt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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20
submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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21
filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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23
tinkling
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| n.丁当作响声 | |
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grievance
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| n.怨愤，气恼，委屈 | |
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25
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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disdained
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| 鄙视( disdain的过去式和过去分词 )； 不屑于做，不愿意做 | |
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indictment
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| n.起诉；诉状 | |
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28
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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29
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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30
withdrawn
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| vt.收回；使退出；vi.撤退，退出 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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32
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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33
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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34
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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35
regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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37
suburban
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| adj.城郊的，在郊区的 | |
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38
courteously
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| adv.有礼貌地，亲切地 | |
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39
practitioner
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| n.实践者，从事者；(医生或律师等)开业者 | |
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40
repudiated
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| v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务） | |
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shrouded
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| v.隐瞒( shroud的过去式和过去分词 )；保密 | |
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