It was not for a philosopher like himself to display astonishment1. He was, however, undeniably feeling it. When, a few minutes before, he had encountered Freddie in this same room, he had received a distinct shock; but a rough theory which would account for Freddie’s presence in his home-from-home he had been able to work out. He groped in vain for one which would explain Eve.
“It was nice of you,” he said, rising courteously3, “to look in. Won’t you sit down? On the sofa, perhaps? Or would you prefer a brick?”
Eve was not yet equal to speech. She had been so firmly convinced that he was ten miles away at Shifley that his presence here in the sitting-room4 of the cottage had something of the breath-taking quality of a miracle. The explanation, if she could have known it, was simple. Two excellent reasons had kept Psmith from gracing the County Ball with his dignified5 support. In the first place, as Shifley was only four miles from the village where he had spent most of his life, he had regarded it as probable, if not certain, that he would have encountered there old friends to whom it would have been both tedious and embarrassing to explain why he had changed his name to McTodd. And secondly6, though he had not actually anticipated a nocturnal raid on his little nook, he had thought it well to be on the premises7 that evening in case Mr. Edward Cootes should have been getting ideas into his head. As soon, therefore, as the castle had emptied itself and the wheels of the last car had passed away[p. 297] down the drive, he had pocketed Mr. Cootes’s revolver and proceeded to the cottage.
Eve recovered her self-possession. She was not a girl given to collapse8 in moments of crisis. The first shock of amazement9 had passed; a humiliating feeling of extreme foolishness, which came directly after, had also passed; she was now grimly ready for battle.
“Where is Mr. Threepwood?” she asked.
“Upstairs. I have put him in storage for a while. Do not worry about Comrade Threepwood. He has lots to think about. He is under the impression that if he stirs out he will be instantly shot.”
“Oh? Well, I want to put this lamp down. Will you please pick up that table?”
“By all means. But—I am a novice10 in these matters—ought I not first to say ‘Hands up!’ or something?”
“Will you please pick up that table?”
“A friend of mine—one Cootes—you must meet him some time—generally remarks ‘Hey!’ in a sharp, arresting voice on these occasions. Personally I consider the expression too abrupt11. Still, he has had great experience . . .”
“Will you please pick up that table?”
“Most certainly. I take it, then, that you would prefer to dispense12 with the usual formalities. In that case, I will park this revolver on the mantelpiece while we chat. I have taken a curious dislike to the thing. It makes me feel like Dangerous Dan McGrew.”
Eve put down the lamp, and there was silence for a moment. Psmith looked about him thoughtfully. He picked up one of the dead bats and covered it with his handkerchief.
“Somebody’s mother,” he murmured reverently13.
Eve sat down on the sofa.
[p. 298]“Mr. . . .” She stopped. “I can’t call you Mr. McTodd. Will you please tell me your name?”
“Ronald,” said Psmith. “Ronald Eustace.”
Psmith eyed her with a pained expression.
“I may be hyper-sensitive,” he said, “but that last remark sounded to me like a dirty dig. You seem to imply that I am some sort of a criminal.”
Eve laughed shortly.
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. There’s not much sense in pretending now, is there? What is your name?”
“Psmith. The p is silent.”
“Well, Mr. Smith, I imagine you understand why I am here?”
“I took it for granted that you had come to fulfil your kindly15 promise of doing the place up a bit. Will you be wounded if I say frankly16 that I preferred it the way it was before? All this may be the last word in ultra-modern interior decoration, but I suppose I am old-fashioned. The whisper flies round Shropshire and adjoining counties, ‘Psmith is hide-bound. He is not attuned17 to up-to-date methods.’ Honestly, don’t you think you have rather unduly18 stressed the bizarre note? This soot19 . . . these dead bats . . .”
“I have come to get that necklace.”
“Ah! The necklace!”
“I’m going to get it, too.”
Psmith shook his head gently.
“There,” he said, “if you will pardon me, I take issue with you. There is nobody to whom I would rather give that necklace than you, but there are special circumstances connected with it which render such an action impossible. I fancy, Miss Halliday, that[p. 299] you have been misled by your young friend upstairs. No; let me speak,” he said, raising a hand. “You know what a treat it is to me. The way I envisage20 the matter is thus. I still cannot understand as completely as I could wish how you come to be mixed up in the affair, but it is plain that in some way or other Comrade Threepwood has enlisted21 your services, and I regret to be obliged to inform you that the motives22 animating23 him in this quest are not pure. To put it crisply, he is engaged in what Comrade Cootes, to whom I alluded24 just now, would call ‘funny business’.”
“I . . .”
“Pardon me,” said Psmith. “If you will be patient for a few minutes more, I shall have finished and shall then be delighted to lend an attentive25 ear to any remarks you may wish to make. As it occurs to me—indeed, you hinted as much yourself just now—that my own position in this little matter has an appearance which to the uninitiated might seem tolerably rummy, I had better explain how I come to be guarding a diamond necklace which does not belong to me. I rely on your womanly discretion26 to let the thing go no further.”
“Will you please . . .”
“In one moment. The facts are as follows. Our mutual27 friend Mr. Keeble, Miss Halliday, has a stepdaughter who is married to one Comrade Jackson who, if he had no other claim to fame, would go ringing down through history for this reason, that he and I were at school together and that he is my best friend. We two have sported on the green—ooh, a lot of times. Well, owing to one thing and another, the Jackson family is rather badly up against it at the present . . .”
Eve jumped up angrily.
“I don’t believe a word of it,” she cried. “What is the use of trying to fool me like this? You had[p. 300] never heard of Phyllis before Freddie spoke28 about her in the train . . .”
“Believe me . . .”
“I won’t. Freddie got you down here to help him steal that necklace and give it to Mr. Keeble so that he could help Phyllis, and now you’ve got it and are trying to keep it for yourself.”
Psmith started slightly. His monocle fell from its place.
“Mr. Keeble asked me to try to get the necklace for him.”
Psmith replaced his monocle thoughtfully.
“This,” he said, “opens up a new line of thought. Can it be that I have been wronging Comrade Threepwood all this time? I must confess that, when I found him here just now standing30 like Marius among the ruins of Carthage (the allusion31 is a classical one, and the fruit of an expensive education), I jumped—I may say, sprang—to the conclusion that he was endeavouring to double-cross both myself and the boss by getting hold of the necklace with a view to retaining it for his own benefit. It never occurred to me that he might be crediting me with the same sinful guile32.”
Eve ran to him and clutched his arm.
“Mr. Smith, is this really true? Are you really a friend of Phyllis?”
“She looks on me as a grandfather. Are you a friend of hers?”
“We were at school together.”
“This,” said Psmith cordially, “is one of the most gratifying moments of my life. It makes us all seem like one great big family.”
“But I never heard Phyllis speak about you.”
“Her what?”
“I must explain,” said Psmith, “that until recently I was earning a difficult livelihood34 by slinging35 fish about in Billingsgate Market. It is possible that some snobbish36 strain in Comrade Jackson’s bride, which I confess I had not suspected, kept her from admitting that she was accustomed to hob-nob with one in the fish business.”
“Good gracious!” cried Eve.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Smith . . . Fish business . . . Why, it was you who called at Phyllis’s house while I was there. Just before I came down here. I remember Phyllis saying how sorry she was that we had not met. She said you were just my sort of . . . I mean, she said she wanted me to meet you.”
“This,” said Psmith, “is becoming more and more gratifying every moment. It seems to me that you and I were made for each other. I am your best friend’s best friend and we both have a taste for stealing other people’s jewellery. I cannot see how you can very well resist the conclusion that we are twin-souls.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“We shall get into that series of ‘Husbands and Wives Who Work Together.’”
“Where is the necklace?”
Psmith sighed.
“The business note. Always the business note. Can’t we keep all that till later?”
“No. We can’t.”
“Ah, well!”
Psmith crossed the room, and took down from the wall the case of stuffed birds.
[p. 302]“The one place,” said Eve, with mortification37, “where we didn’t think of looking!”
Psmith opened the case and removed the centre bird, a depressed-looking fowl38 with glass eyes which stared with a haunting pathos39. He felt in its interior and pulled out something that glittered and sparkled in the lamp-light.
“Oh!”
Eve ran her fingers almost lovingly through the jewels as they lay before her on the little table.
“Aren’t they beautiful!”
“Distinctly. I think I may say that of all the jewels I have ever stolen . . .”
“HEY!”
Eve let the necklace fall with a cry. Psmith spun40 round. In the doorway41 stood Mr. Edward Cootes, pointing a pistol.
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1
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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2
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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3
courteously
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| adv.有礼貌地，亲切地 | |
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4
sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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6
secondly
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| adv.第二，其次 | |
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premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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8
collapse
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| vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷 | |
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9
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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10
novice
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| adj.新手的，生手的 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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12
dispense
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| vt.分配，分发；配(药)，发(药)；实施 | |
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13
reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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14
alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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15
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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16
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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17
attuned
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| v.使协调( attune的过去式和过去分词 )；调音 | |
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18
unduly
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| adv.过度地，不适当地 | |
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soot
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| n.煤烟，烟尘；vt.熏以煤烟 | |
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20
envisage
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| v.想象，设想，展望，正视 | |
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21
enlisted
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| adj.应募入伍的v.（使）入伍， （使）参军( enlist的过去式和过去分词 )；获得（帮助或支持） | |
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22
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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23
animating
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| v.使有生气( animate的现在分词 )；驱动；使栩栩如生地动作；赋予…以生命 | |
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24
alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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28
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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29
corps
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| n.(通信等兵种的)部队；(同类作的)一组 | |
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30
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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allusion
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| n.暗示，间接提示 | |
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guile
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| n.诈术 | |
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33
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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livelihood
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| n.生计，谋生之道 | |
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35
slinging
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| 抛( sling的现在分词 )； 吊挂； 遣送； 押往 | |
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36
snobbish
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| adj.势利的，谄上欺下的 | |
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37
mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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38
fowl
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| n.家禽，鸡，禽肉 | |
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pathos
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| n.哀婉，悲怆 | |
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40
spun
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| v.纺，杜撰，急转身 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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