My life was now one continued series of deceptions1, as was also that of my husband, and we began habitually2 to wear the mask when in each other’s presence.
It may have been wrong, perhaps, but I confess that for my husband’s intended bride I felt such a detestation that I could not endure her presence, although I knew that she was not to blame. I believed that I should not have felt it so much if she had been a little older; but to have a mere3 child placed on a level with me, and to be compelled to treat her with all the respect due to a wife, was so terribly humiliating to me that at times I thought that I could not endure it another day. She, of course, expected to be treated with all the consideration which is proper to a wife, and to be consulted in everything by my husband, as a wife should be. She was not, however, competent to undertake any household duties or wifely cares, and was herself an additional responsibility to me. Young and inexperienced as she was, she had everything to learn; but, at the same time, she stood so much upon her dignity that it was anything but a pleasant task to teach her. It of course devolved upon me to instruct her in everything, and I found it anything but a congenial task. I soon began to look upon her simply as a boarder, and expected nothing more from her than I should if she had really been such.
She took very kindly4 to this position, and would spend her days in her own room, reading and otherwise amusing herself, and of course was always pleasant and well-dressed to receive her husband. But this did not suit me. In fact I do not know what would have suited me at that time, for I was disposed to be displeased5 with everything. And yet a visitor to our house would, I have no doubt, have, said, “How very pleasantly those two wives get along together!” This has been said of scores of women in Utah by casual observers—Gentiles, who thought[307] they “understood” the system. How little do they know the aching void and the bitter hatred6 which exists in the hearts of those wives—the detestation which they have of one another! How little can they know, when everything is so carefully hidden, even from their husbands! It is a shameful7 thing that women, faithful wives and mothers, should be placed in such a position.
How many times during the day have I been compelled to leave everything and rush to my chamber8, and there on my bended knees supplicate9 for strength to endure, thinking all the time that, in ordaining10 this Revelation, God had given us a burden greater than we could bear!
Then in the evening, when we were assembled together in our cosy11 parlour, as we were wont12 to be, all traces that remained of the terrible struggle which I had endured were a sad countenance13 and perhaps the deepening lines upon my brow, which contrasted unpleasantly with the bright and cheerful face of the young wife, and made my husband feel that I was getting very sour in my disposition14, as indeed was probably the case.
Things and actions, which at another time I should have considered too trifling15 to notice, had now a painful significance to me. On one occasion, not long after the wedding, my husband asked me to take a walk with him, and I consented. Among the Mormons it is a custom to take their wives out together very frequently. Their object, I presume, is to display the “jewels” in their crowns before the eyes of their less fortunate brethren. I had resolved that I would never submit to this; if my husband would not take me out alone, I would stay at home. On the occasion I mention, when I came out of my room ready dressed, I found him and his wife, Belinda, waiting and chatting pleasantly together, and looking unutterable love at each other—at least, so I thought—and I felt greatly insulted and annoyed, and told them I did not wish to go. I carefully avoided showing any outbursts of temper before the young lady, which I thought would be undignified, for I desired at least that she should respect me, though I did not want her love. If I had expected that they would urge me to accompany them, I should have been greatly mistaken, for my refusal appeared to be just what they wanted. They tripped off together as light-hearted and happy as children, while I remained rooted to the spot, tearing my pocket-handkerchief to pieces, and wishing I could do the same with them.
[308]
I used sometimes to wonder whether it would be the same in the Mormon heaven, where this Celestial16 Order of Marriage is expected to be carried out in all its fullness, and I felt troubled for myself. These dreadful feelings would, I believed, be the ruin of my soul, and I thought it was impossible for me to obtain salvation18 until I had entirely19 subdued20 them—and that I had not power yet to do. I had, however, so concealed21 what I felt, that my husband believed that I was becoming used to this new life.
Day after day my rebellious22 soul was agitated23 by the same troubled feelings. There was no rest for me—nothing upon which I could stay my mind. My husband was painfully aware that there was a coldness and restraint existing between his young wife and myself, and I know that he was grieved by it, for he had tried in every way to create a friendly feeling between us. I felt, however, that it was utterly24 impossible that I could ever be affectionate towards his other wife, much as I might strive. I would do my duty, but I could not love her, or, in fact, him either for that matter, when he was associated with her. I regret to be obliged to confess such a truth; but from that time, and as long as I remained in Mormonism, the sentiment that was uppermost in my mind was an utter detestation of the whole system. I despised myself for being the abject25 slave that I was. Why could I not have the moral courage to set everything at defiance—Revelation and all—and free myself from the bondage26 that enthralled27 me?
I know this day scores of women in Utah who think and feel exactly as I did then, who suffer wrongs against which their hearts daily and hourly rebel, but who, like me, dread17 to cast aside the yoke28 of the oppressor.
At that time, in respect to pecuniary29 matters, we were very comfortably off. Almost immediately after our arrival in Utah, Mr. Stenhouse had found employment on the staff of the Deseret News. Before long he obtained the appointment of postmaster for Salt Lake City, and before his marriage with Miss Pratt he had started the Telegraph, the first daily paper that was ever published in Utah. From the beginning it had been remarkably30 successful; for Brigham had counselled the people to sustain it, knowing very well that he himself would in return be supported by my husband. Brigham had no more devoted31 follower32 than Mr. Stenhouse was then, for the scales had not yet fallen from his eyes, and he believed the Prophet was really what he claimed to be—a faithful servant of God. True, we had frequently talked together of his very mean[309] actions; but my too generous, or perhaps too credulous33, husband had attributed all that to the weakness of his human nature, and would not believe that it affected34 his priesthood. He therefore sustained him strongly and consistently before the public; not for gain, for he had given too many instances of his devotion to be suspected of that; but I may say from pure attachment35, for I know too well that at that time he was almost ready to lay down his life for the sake of his religion.
The Telegraph soon became the leading journal in Utah, and in a little while we were surrounded by every comfort and luxury which at that time could be procured36 in Salt Lake City. No family in the Territory was better provided for than was ours, not excepting Brigham Young’s. I had always believed that if my husband were left alone, untrammelled by the Church, to make his own way, he would do so successfully. In this I was not mistaken. We now owned a fine dwelling-house, a valuable city lot and house, where the paper was printed, and also another very desirable lot, near to Brigham Young’s residence. This last lot was my own; it was very beautifully situated37, and we expended38 on it upwards39 of three thousand dollars. Everything that my husband undertook at that time seemed to prosper—not excepting his love affairs.
Just then a great deal was whispered privately40 about certain murders which had been committed, all knowledge of which was strenuously41 denied by the authorities. When any case was so notorious that it could not possibly be altogether hushed up, we were told that the murdered persons were dangerous people, and had been killed in self-defence by those whom they in the first instance had attacked.
My husband, like hundreds of others, was never in the confidence of the Church authorities in these matters. He believed firmly in the divine mission of Joseph Smith, and shut his eyes to the actions of Brigham Young, thinking that he alone would be responsible to the Lord for his misdeeds. When I drew his attention to the inconsistency of Brigham’s conduct, as on more than one occasion I did, he said we had enough to do to look at home and see that we ourselves did what was right. This, of course, was true; but I thought, nevertheless, that a little more consistency42 on Brigham’s part would not be amiss.
My talkative friend called one day to speak of a very serious subject.
“I have come, Sister Stenhouse,” she said, “to talk to you about a matter of great importance, but I don’t want to[310] offend you, and you must promise beforehand to forgive me.”
I readily promised, and she added: “I thought I should find you very unhappy, Sister Stenhouse, about poor dear Carrie Grant, and I think if you are so you deserve it, but I don’t like you to be miserable43, and so I came to comfort you.”
“But, Sister Ann,” I said, “I don’t want to be comforted in the way you seem to mean. I have been very sad indeed at losing Carrie; but you know I did everything I could for her, poor girl, and I have nothing to blame myself for.”
“Nothing to blame yourself for?” she exclaimed. “Why, Sister Stenhouse, you have everything to blame yourself for. If poor Carrie has less glory, it is all your fault.”
“How so?” I said.
“Why,” she answered, “if you had not held back and expressed your dislike, Carrie would have married your husband, and would most likely have been alive now. She would have had her family, and would have added to your husband’s glory; while now, although she is your husband’s wife, she has no children, and, of course, must have less glory in the Kingdom.”
“Well, Sister Ann,” I said, “I never thought of it in that light. I loved Carrie very much, and I tried to make her love me. It was not until almost the last that I knew of her love for my husband; but if I had known before, I am sure my own heart would have rebelled against my husband taking another wife. I did, however, ask him to marry her, and after she was dead I was married to him for her.”
“That’s all very well, Sister Stenhouse,” she replied, “but for all that I think you have committed a great wrong against that poor orphan44 girl. You ought to be thankful that at last you were able to repair a little of the mischief45 which you did. I don’t want to vex46 you, but I am really sorry that you had such an antipathy47 to your husband having Carrie. However, I suppose, now he has really got another wife, you are not so much set against Polygamy. You must find it quite a blessing48 to have Miss Pratt—I beg pardon, I mean Mrs. Stenhouse number two—with you now.”
I did not answer her, for I had my own opinion about the matter. She went on without hesitation49: “Well, you must not be vexed50 with me, dear; I say it all for your good, you know; but I do wish you felt a little more as I do about these matters. Why, do you know, I have been trying to show my faith and zeal51 in every possible way ever since we came to Utah. It was only last week I was baptized for Queen Anne.”
[311]
“Queen Anne!” I exclaimed. “What can you possibly mean?”
“Exactly what I say, Sister Stenhouse; I was baptized for Queen Anne, and if you like I’ll tell you all about it. It is only just what every one else has been doing, only they were baptized for other people. I don’t think you’ve ever thought much of this, and so I’ll explain myself. You see, Sister Stenhouse, the Elders teach us that the whole world is lying in darkness and sin, and has been so ever since the apostolic gifts were lost ages ago. Now there is no salvation outside the Church, and you may remember that Christ Himself went and preached to the miserable souls in Paradise.”
“In Paradise?” I said, “why I thought that was a happy place.”
“Oh, no, Sister Stenhouse,” she said, “not very happy. The souls of those who have not heard the gospel, and have not been baptized, go there, and it’s a sort of prison for them until they are brought out again through the kindness of some believer. The thief on the cross went there, and Christ went there and preached to the spirits in prison; and when the Elders die, they go on mission to Paradise and preach to them also. All your people and my people, our fathers, and mothers, and grandfathers, and so on, right up to the apostolic times, are waiting in Paradise with millions and millions of souls to be released and be admitted into the Celestial Kingdom. All the good brethren and sisters have been doing their best to get out their relations and friends, and I know many of them who have sent over to England and have spent large sums of money in tracing their pedigrees and genealogies52, in order to find out the right names and to be baptized as proxies53 for the dead who owned those names. I have been baptized for a good many of my own relations, and I mean to be baptized for scores more; and many of the brethren, too, have been married as proxies for their own friends, and for distinguished54 people besides, so that they might be admitted into the Celestial Kingdom, and raise up patriarchal families of their own. The poor souls, if they were released from Paradise by a proxy55 baptism, could not, of course, have been married in heaven, as there is no giving in marriage there; so some one was married for them as proxy to some one else, and now they can begin to establish their own celestial kingdoms.”
“And have you been proxy in this way, Sister Ann?” I asked.
“No, and yes,” she replied; “I haven’t yet been proxy in[312] marriage for any one, but I was proxy in baptism. When we were children, I remember we used to have some rhymes about Queen Anne, and, as it was my own name, I always thought a great deal of her. It seemed to me that it would be very nice, and at the same time very charitable, if I were to help her out of Paradise. It quite struck my fancy, for it was no small thing to have a real queen thankful to you for so much. So I went and was baptized for her, and now she is out of Paradise and has entered the Celestial Kingdom. But that isn’t all. There was my old friend, George Wilford, who heard all about the matter, for I see him frequently, and he at once said that he would be baptized for Prince George of Denmark, Queen Anne’s husband, and he means to do so; and after that we’ll be married by proxy for them here on earth, and then they’ll both be happy.”
“Sister Stenhouse,” she replied, quite seriously, “it’s very wrong of you to talk so. Some of the best Saints have stood proxy in this way. There was one lady who stood proxy for the Empress Josephine, and her son stood for Napoleon, and some one else for Washington. Queen Elizabeth, too, has been baptized by proxy. And now Napoleon and Washington are both Mormon Elders, and I suppose some one will be married for Queen Elizabeth, and she’ll enter into Polygamy. Do you know, Sister Stenhouse, there was one brother who, out of pure kindness, said he would be baptized for the thief on the cross, for he supposed that no one else would take pity on him, and a sister who was present said she would be baptized for his wife, if Brother Brigham thought he ever had one. I’ve been persuading my Henry to be baptized for Henry the Eighth, for I’m sure he needed baptism for the remission of sins; and he—I mean my Henry—has promised me to do so; but he says that he means to ask Brother Brigham first before he is married for him—if ever he is—as King Henry was almost a polygamist in his way, and my husband thinks there is not much need to be married for him at all.”
“I can’t help being amused,” I said. “Of course I have often heard of being baptized for the dead, and I know the Elders say that St. Paul spoke57 of it in one of his epistles, but I never thought of it in that light; I always thought we should have to wait till the Temple was finished.”
“That’s true, Sister Stenhouse,” she replied; “all the marriages of all the Saints—of every one, in fact, on the face of the earth—ought to be solemnized in the Temple here in[313] Salt Lake City, and every one ought to receive their Endowments in it; but as it is not yet finished, the Lord permits us to be married, and everything else, in the Endowment House. But you know yourself that there’s a record kept, and that, when the Temple is finished, the ceremony will be all gone through with again. I’ve heard it said that many of the Elders and their wives will live there, and that day and night perpetually the ceremonies will be going on. You ought to be baptized, however, now for as many relations as you can think of.”
“I think I shall wait, Sister Ann,” I said, “until I can find a Queen Fanny, and then I’ll be baptized for her.”
She did not like me saying this, for she evidently thought I was jesting. I was not jesting, however, but I felt greatly amused, for this peculiar58 doctrine59 of the Saints had never struck me in such an odd light before. Sister Ann was shocked at the way in which I viewed her strange stories, but “I’ll come again in the course of a day or two, Sister Stenhouse,” she said, “and put you all straight.”
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1
deceptions
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| 欺骗( deception的名词复数 )； 骗术，诡计 | |
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habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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8
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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supplicate
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| v.恳求；adv.祈求地，哀求地，恳求地 | |
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ordaining
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| v.任命（某人）为牧师( ordain的现在分词 )；授予（某人）圣职；（上帝、法律等）命令；判定 | |
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cosy
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| adj.温暖而舒适的，安逸的 | |
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wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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celestial
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| adj.天体的；天上的 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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18
salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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abject
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| adj.极可怜的，卑屈的 | |
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bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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enthralled
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| 迷住，吸引住( enthrall的过去式和过去分词 )； 使感到非常愉快 | |
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yoke
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| n.轭；支配；v.给...上轭，连接，使成配偶 | |
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pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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follower
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| n.跟随者；随员；门徒；信徒 | |
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credulous
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| adj.轻信的，易信的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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expended
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| v.花费( expend的过去式和过去分词 )；使用（钱等）做某事；用光；耗尽 | |
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upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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41
strenuously
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| adv.奋发地，费力地 | |
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42
consistency
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| n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度 | |
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43
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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44
orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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45
mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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46
vex
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| vt.使烦恼，使苦恼 | |
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47
antipathy
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| n.憎恶；反感，引起反感的人或事物 | |
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48
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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49
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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50
vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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51
zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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52
genealogies
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| n.系谱，家系，宗谱( genealogy的名词复数 ) | |
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53
proxies
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| n.代表权( proxy的名词复数 )；（测算用的）代替物；（对代理人的）委托书；（英国国教教区献给主教等的）巡游费 | |
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54
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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55
proxy
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| n.代理权，代表权；（对代理人的）委托书；代理人 | |
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56
droll
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| adj.古怪的，好笑的 | |
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57
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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58
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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59
doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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