The so-called "attics" at Hortons are amongst the very handsomest flats in London, their windows command some of the very best views, and the sloping roof that gives them their name does not slope enough to make them inconvenient4, only enough to make them quaint5.
Miss Drake was lucky, and asked Mr. Nix whether he had any flats to let on the very day that one of the attics was vacated. But then, Miss Drake was always lucky, as you could see quite well if you looked at her. She was a tall, slim girl, with dark brown hair, an imperious brow, and what her friends called a "bossy6" mouth. It was, indeed, her character to be "bossy." Her father, that noted7 traveller and big-game hunter, had encouraged her to be "bossy"; the Drakes and the Bosanquets and the Mumpuses, all the good old county families with whom she was connected, encouraged her to be "bossy." Finally, the war had encouraged her to be "bossy." She had become in the early days of 1915 an officer in the "W.A.A.C." and since then she had risen to every[Pg 152] kind of distinction. She had done magnificently in France; had won medals and honours. No wonder she believed in herself. She was born to command other women; she had just that contempt for her sex and approval of herself necessary for command. She believed that women were greatly inferior to men; nevertheless, she was always indignant did men not fall down instantly and abase8 themselves before the women of whom she approved. "She bore herself as a queen," so her adoring friends said; quite frankly9 she considered herself one. The "W.A.A.C." uniform suited her; she liked stiff collars and short skirts and tight belts. She was full-breasted, had fine athletic10 limbs, her cheeks were flushed with health. Then the Armistice11 came, and somewhere in March she found herself demobilised. It was then that she took her attic2 at Hortons. Her father had died of dysentery in Egypt in 1915, and had left her amply provided for. Her mother, who was of no account, being only a Chipping-Basset and retiring by nature, lived at Dolles Hall, in Wiltshire, and troubled no one. Lois was the only child.
She could, then, spend her life as she pleased, and she soon discovered that there was plenty to do. Her nature had never been either modest or retiring; she had from the earliest possible age read everything that came her way, and five years at Morton House School, one year in Germany, and four months in East Africa with her father had left her, as she herself said, "with nothing about men that she didn't know."
The war took away her last reserves. She was a modern woman, and saw life steadily12 and saw it whole.[Pg 153] She also saw it entirely13 to her own advantage. The strongest element in her nature was, perhaps, her assured self-confidence in her management of human beings. She had, she would boast, never been known to fail with men or women. Her success in the war had been largely due to the fact that she had applied14 certain simple rules of her own to everybody alike, refusing to believe in individualities. "Men and women fall into two or three classes. You can tell in five minutes the class you're dealing15 with; then you act accordingly." Her chief theory about men was that "they liked to be treated as men." "They want you to be one of themselves." She adopted with them a masculine attitude that fitted her less naturally than she knew. She drank with them, smoked with them, told them rather "tall" stories, was never shocked by anything that they said, "gave them as good as they gave her."
After her demobilisation she danced a good deal, dined alone at restaurants with men whom she scarcely knew, went back to men's rooms after the theatre and had a "last whiskey," walked home alone after midnight and let herself into her "attic" with great satisfaction. She had the most complete contempt for girls who "could not look after themselves." "If girls got into trouble it was their own rotten fault."
She had developed during her time in France a masculine fashion of standing16, sitting, talking, laughing. Nothing made her more indignant than that a man should offer her his seat in a Tube. How her haughty17 glance scorned him as she refused him! "It's an insult[Pg 154] to our sex," she would say. How she rejoiced in her freedom! "At last," she said, "there is sex equality. We can do what we like."
She was, however, not quite free. The war had left her a legacy18 in the person of an adoring girl friend, Margery Scales. Margery was an exact opposite to herself in every way—plump and soft and rosy19 and appealing and entirely feminine. She had been "under" Lois in France; from the first she had desperately20 adored her. It was an adoration21 without qualification. Lois was perfect, a queen, a goddess. Margery would die for her instantly if called upon; not that she wanted to die. She loved life, being pretty and healthy, and allowed by loving parents a great deal of freedom.
But what was life without Lois? Lois would tell you, if you asked her, that she had made Margery. "Margery owed her everything." Others, who did not like Lois, said that she had ruined Margery. Margery herself felt that life had simply not begun in those years before Lois had appeared.
Lois had determined22 that "after the war" she would finish the Margery affair. It unsettled her, disturbed her, refused to fall into line with all the straightforward23 arrangements that were as easy to manage as "putting your clothes on." The truth was, that Lois was fonder of Margery than she wanted to be. She quarrelled with her, scolded her, laughed at her, scorned her, and at the end of it all had absurdly soft and tender feelings for her that were not at all "sensible."
Margery's very helplessness—a quality that infuriated Lois in others—attracted and held her. She had[Pg 155] too much to do to bother about people's feelings; nevertheless, were Margery distressed24 and unhappy, Lois was uncomfortable and ill at ease. "After the war I'll break it off.... It's sentimental26."
Nevertheless, here she was, four months, five months, six months after the Armistice, and it was not broken off. She would dismiss Margery with scorn, tell her that she could not be bothered with her scenes and tears and repentances, and then five minutes after she had expelled her she would want to know where she was, what she was doing.
She would not confess to herself the joy that she felt when Margery suddenly reappeared. Then, as the weeks went by, she began to wonder whether Margery were as completely under her control as she used to be. The girl seemed at times to criticise27 her. She said quite frankly that she hated some of the men whom Lois gathered round her in the attic.
"Well, you needn't come," said Lois; "I don't want you." Then, of course, Margery cried.
There was one occasion when Mr. Nix, the manager of the flat, very politely, and with the urbanity for which he was famous, warned her that there must not be so much noise at her evening parties. Lois was indignant. "I'll pack up and go. You'd think Nix was Queen Victoria." Nevertheless she did not pack up and go. She knew when she was comfortable. But deep down in her heart something warned her. Did she like all the men who now surrounded her? Was there not something in what Margery said? In France there had been work, heaps of it. Her organising gifts,[Pg 156] which were very real, had had full play there. The sense of the position that she had had unsettled her. She wanted to fill her life, to be still of importance, to be admired and sought after and talked of. Yet the men with whom she spent her time were not quite the right men, and sometimes that little voice of warning told her that they went too far, said things to her that they had no right to say, told stories....
But did she not encourage them? Was not that what she wanted? Perfect equality now; no false prudery: the new world in which men and women stood shoulder to shoulder with no false reserves, no silly modesties28. If Margery didn't like it, she could go....
But she did not want Margery to go.
Then "Tubby" Grenfell came and the world was changed. Grenfell was nicknamed "Tubby" by his friends because he was round and plump and rosy-faced. Lois did not know it, but she liked him at once because of his resemblance to Margery. He was only a boy, twenty-one years of age, and the apple of his mother's eye. He had done magnificently in France, and now he had gone on to the Stock Exchange, where his uncle was a man of importance and power. He had the same rather helpless appealing innocence29 that Margery had had. He took life very seriously, but enjoyed it too, laughing a great deal and wanting to see and do everything. His na?veté touched Lois. She told him that she was going to be his elder brother. From the very first he had thought Lois perfectly30 wonderful, just as Margery had done. He received her dicta about life with the utmost gravity. He came and went just as[Pg 157] she told him. He "ate out of her hand," his friends told him.
"Well, I'm proud to," he said.
Unfortunately he and Margery disliked one another from the very beginning. That made difficulties for Lois, and she did not like difficulties.
"What you can see in him," said Margery, "I can't think. He's just the sort of man you despise. Of course he's been brave; but anyone can be brave. The other men laugh at him."
He had a good-natured contempt for Margery.
"It's jolly good of you to look after a girl like that," he said to Lois. "It's just your kindness. I don't know how you can bother."
Lois laughed at both of them, and arranged that they should meet as seldom as possible.
Hortons was soon haunted by "Tubby" Grenfell's presence.
"Peace Day" came and went, and Lois really felt that it was time that she "settled her life." Here was the summer before her; there were a number of places to which she might go and she could not make up her mind.
Firstly, she knew that some of the time must be spent with her mother in Wiltshire, and she was dreading31 this. Her mother never criticised her, never asked her questions, never made any demands, and Lois had rather enjoyed spending days of her "leave" in that silly old-fashioned company. But now? Could it be that Lois was two quite different people and that one half of her was jealous of the other half?
[Pg 158]
Moreover, there was now a complication about Scotland. "Tubby" had begged her to go to a certain house in Northumberland; nice people; people she knew enough to want to know them more. He begged her to go there during the very month that she had planned to go away with Margery. She knew quite well that if she tried to break the Scottish holiday that would be the end—Margery would leave her and never return. Well, was not that exactly what she had been desiring? Was she not feeling this animosity between "Tubby" and Margery a great nuisance? And yet—and yet—— She could not make up her mind to lose Margery; no, not yet. Her hatred32 of this individual (she had never been undecided in France; she had always known exactly what she intended to do) flung her, precipitately34, into that final quarrel with Margery that, in reality, she wanted to avoid. It took place one morning in "the attic." It was a short and stormy scene. Lois began by suggesting that they should take their holiday during part of September instead of August, and that perhaps they would not go so far as Scotland.... What about the South Coast? Margery listened, the colour coming into her cheeks, her eyes filling with tears as they always did when she was excited.
"But we'd arranged——" she said in a kind of awe-struck whisper. "Months ago—we fixed——"
"I know, my dear," said Lois, with a carelessness that she by no means felt. "But what does it matter? September's as good as August, and I hate Scotland."
"You said you loved it before," said Margery slowly, staring as though she were a stranger who had brought[Pg 159] dramatic news. "I believe," she went on, "it's because you want to stay with Mr. Grenfell."
"If you want to know," cried Lois, suddenly urged on partly by her irritation35 at being judged, but still more by her anger at herself for feeling Margery's distress25, "it is. You're impossible, Margery. You're so selfish. It can't make any difference to you, putting our holiday off. You're selfish. That's what it is."
Then a remarkable36 thing occurred. Margery did not burst into tears. Only all the colour drained from her face and her eyes fell.
"No, I don't think I'm selfish," said Margery; "I want you to enjoy yourself. You're tired of me, and I don't blame you. But I won't hang on to you. That would be selfish if I did. I think I'll go now. Besides," she added, "I think you're in love with Mr. Grenfell."
Suddenly, as Margery said the words, Lois knew that it was true. She was in love, and for the first time in her life. A great exultation37 and happiness filled her; for the first time for many months she was simple and natural and good. Her masculinity fell from her, leaving her her true self.
She came over to Margery, knelt down by her side, put her arms around her and kissed her. Margery returned the kiss, but did not surrender herself. Her body was stiff and unyielding. She withdrew herself from Lois and got up.
"I'm glad," she said, her voice trembling a little. "I hope you'll be very happy."
Lois looked at her with anxious eyes.
[Pg 160]
"But this doesn't make any difference to us," she said. "We can be the same friends as before—more than we were. You'll like 'Tubby,' Margery darling, when you know him. We'll have a great time—we three."
"No," said Margery, "this doesn't make any difference. That's quite true. The difference was made before."
"You've been different," said Margery. "Since we came back from France, you've been changing all the time. It seemed right out there, your ordering everybody about. I admired it. You were fine. But now in London—I've no right to say so. But you're trying to do all the things men do; and it's—it's—beastly, somehow. It doesn't suit you. It isn't natural. I don't believe the men like it either, or at any rate not the nice men. I suppose it's silly, but I don't admire you any more, and if I don't admire you, I can't love you." With that last word she was gone, and Lois knew quite well that she would never come back again.
Lois stayed in the "attic" that morning in an odd confusion of mind. Margery was jealous, of course; that was what had made her say those things. Her discovery of her love for Grenfell filled her with joy, so that she could scarcely realise Margery; moreover the uncertainty39 that had been troubling her for months was over, but behind these feelings was a curious new sense of loss, a sense that she refused to face. Life without Margery—what would it be? But she turned[Pg 161] from that and, with joyful40 anticipation41, thought of her new career.
She decided33 at once to dismiss Margery from her thoughts—not only partially42, but altogether, so that no fragment of her should be left. That was her only way to be comfortable. She had on earlier occasions been forced to dismiss people thus absolutely; she had not found it difficult, and she had enjoyed in the doing of it a certain sense that she was finishing them, and that they would be sorry now for what they had done. But with Margery she saw that that would be difficult. Margery had been with her so long, had given her so much praise and encouragement, was associated in so many ways with so many places. She would return again and again, an obstinate43 ghost, slipping into scenes and thoughts where she should not be. Lois discovered herself watching the post, listening to the telephone, her heart beating at the sudden opening and shutting of a door ... but Margery did not return.
She centred herself then absolutely around young Grenfell. She demanded of him twice what she had demanded before because Margery was gone. There was something feverish44 now in her possession of him. She was not contented45 and easy as she had been, but must have him absolutely. She was anxious that he should propose to her soon and end this period of doubt and discomfort46. She knew, of course, that he would propose—it was merely a question of time—but there was something old-fashioned about him: a sort of na?veté which hindered him perhaps from coming forward too quickly.
[Pg 162]
She was not alone with him very much, because she thought it was good for him to see how other men admired her. She gathered around her more than before the men with whom she might be on thoroughly47 equal terms, as though in defiance48 of Margery's final taunt49 to her. It was as though she said to that perpetually interfering50 ghost: "Well, if you will come back and remind me, you shall see that you were wrong in what you said. Men do like me for the very things of which you disapproved51 ... and they shall like me more and more."
She thought Grenfell understood that it was because of him that Margery had gone.
"She was jealous of you," she said, laughing. "I'm sure I don't know why she should have been.... You never liked one another, did you? Poor Margery! She's old-fashioned. She ought to have lived fifty years ago."
She was surprised when he said, "Did she dislike me? Of course we used to fight, but I didn't think it meant anything; I didn't dislike her. I'm so sorry you've quarrelled."
He seemed really concerned about it. One day he amazed her by saying that he'd seen Margery. They had met somewhere and had a talk. Lois's heart leapt.
"I'm ready to forgive her," she said, "for what she did. But of course things can never be quite the same again."
"Oh, she won't come back!" Grenfell said. "I begged her, but she said, 'No.' You weren't as you used to be."
[Pg 163]
At this Lois felt an unhappiness that surprised her by its vehemence52. Then she put that away and was angry. "I don't want her back," she cried. "If she came and begged me I wouldn't have her."
But she felt that Grenfell had not reported truly. He was jealous of Margery, and did not want her to return. He seemed now at times to be a little restive53 under her domination; that only made her more dominating. She had scenes with him, all of them worked up by her. She arranged them because he was so sweet to her when they were reconciled. He was truly in despair if she were unhappy, and would do anything to make her comfortable again. Once they were engaged, she told herself, she would have no more scenes. She would be sure of him then. She was in a strange state of excitement and uncertainty; but then, these were uncertain and exciting times. No one seemed to know quite where they were, with strikes and dances and all the "classes" upside down. Although Lois believed that women should be just as men she resented it when Fanny, the portress, was rude to her. She had got into the way of giving Fanny little things to do; sending her messages, asking her to stamp letters, to wrap up parcels. Fanny was so willing that she would do anything for anybody; but the day came when Fanny frankly told her that she had not the time to carry messages. Her place was in the hall. She was very sorry.... Lois was indignant. What was the girl there for? She appealed to Grenfell. But he, in the charming, hesitating, courteous54 way that he had, was inclined to agree with Fanny. After all, the girl had her work[Pg 164] to do. She had to be in her place. At this little sign of rebellion Lois redoubled her efforts.
He must propose to her soon. She wished that he were not quite so diffident. She found here that this masculinity of hers hindered a little the opportunities of courtship. If you behaved just like a man, swore like a man, drank like a man, discussed any moral question like a man, scenes with sentiment and emotion were difficult. When you told a man a hundred times a day that you wanted him to treat you as he would a pal55, it was perhaps irrational56 of you to expect him to kiss you. Men did not kiss men, nor did they bother to explain if they were rude or casual.
She had, however, a terrible shock one night when Conrad Hawke, a man whom she never liked, seeing her back to the "attic" after the theatre, tried to kiss her. She smacked57 his face. He was deeply indignant. "Why, you've been asking for it!" he cried. This horrified58 her, and she decided that Grenfell must propose to her immediately. This was the more necessary, because during the last week or two he had been less often to see her—and had been less at his ease with her.... She decided that he wanted to propose but had not the courage.
She planned then that on a certain evening the event should take place. There was to be a great boxing match at Olympia. Beckett was to fight Goddard for the heavyweight championship of Great Britain. She had never seen a boxing match. Grenfell should take her to this one.
When she suggested it he hesitated.
[Pg 165]
"I'd love us to go together, of course," he said. "All the same, I don't think I approve of women going to boxing matches."
"My dear 'Tubby,'" she cried; "what age do you think you're living in?"
"Well, I don't know," he said, looking at her doubtfully.
"If that isn't too absurd!" she cried. "Has there been a war or has there not? And have I been in France doing every kind of dirty work or not? Really, 'Tubby,' you might be Mother."
"Oh, of course, if you want to go, I'll take you," he said. "All the same, I'd rather not."
She insisted. The tickets were taken. She was determined that that night he should propose to her.
The great evening had arrived, and they had a little dinner at the Carlton Grill60. Lois was wearing a dress of the very latest fashion—that is, a dress that showed all her back, that was cut very low in front, and that left her arms and shoulders quite bare. She seemed, as she sat at the table, to have almost nothing on at all. This, unfortunately, did not suit her. Her figure was magnificent, but the rough life in France had helped neither her skin nor her complexion61. The upper part of her chest and her neck were sunburnt. Her arms were brown. She had taken much trouble with her hair, but it would not obey her now as it had done in the old days.
"I'm a fright," she had thought as she looked at her[Pg 166]self in the glass. For a moment she thought she would wear one of her old less-revealing evening frocks. But no; she was worrying absurdly. All the women wore these dresses now. She would look a frump in that old dress. In colour the frock was a bright mauve. She was aware that all eyes followed her as she came into the grill room. She carried herself superbly, remembering how many girls—yes, and men too—had called her a queen. She saw at once that "Tubby" Grenfell was uneasy, and not his cheerful, innocent self. He seemed to have something that dragged his thoughts away from her. They both drank a good deal; soon they were laughing uproariously....
They started off in a taxi for Olympia. The wine that she had drunk, the sense of the crisis that this night must bring to her, the beautiful air of this May evening, through which in their open taxi they were gliding62, the whisper and the murmur63 of the Knightsbridge crowd—all these things excited her as she had never in all her life been excited before. Had she looked at herself she would have realised, from this excitement, the child that she really was.
She put her hand on "Tubby's" broad knee and drew a little closer to him. He talked to her eagerly, himself excited by the great event. He explained something of the fighting to her.
"There'll be a lot of 'in-fighting,'" he said; "there always is nowadays, they've caught it from America. You'll find that rather boring. But it isn't boring really. There's heaps of science in it; more than there used to be in the old boxing. They say that that's[Pg 167] where Beckett will be beaten—that he can't in-fight. I don't believe they're right, but we'll see.... That's what makes to-night so exciting. No one knows really what Beckett can do. He knocked out Wells too quickly, and he's improved so much that he's hardly the same man as he was before."
He chattered64 on, apparently65 now quite happy. What a dear he was! What a boy! How natural and good and simple! She felt maternal66 to him, as though he were her child. How happy they would be when they were married! how happy she would make him!
They drew near to Olympia. They were now in a great stream of cars and taxis. Crowds thronged67 the road. They got out and pushed their way along. The presence of the crowd thrilled Lois so that her eyes shone and her heart hammered. She clung to "Tubby's" strong arm. Soon they were through the gates, pushing up the Olympia steps, passing the turn-stiles. What strange faces there were on all sides of her! She could not see another woman anywhere. She gathered her cloak more closely about her. They passed into the arena68. For a moment she was dazzled by the light. The tiers of seats rose on every side of her, higher and higher. She followed "Tubby" meekly69, feeling very small and insignificant70. Soon they were seated close to the ring. Already men were boxing, but no one seemed to look at them. Everyone hurried to and fro; people were finding their seats. Around her, above her, beyond her, was a curious electrical hum of excitement, like the buzz of swarming71 bees. She herself felt so deeply moved that she was not far from[Pg 168] tears. She grew more accustomed to the place. She sat back in her chair, throwing her cloak behind her. "Tubby" talked to her in a low voice, explaining where everything was, who various celebrities72 were. There was Cochran; that was Eugene Corri; there was a famous actor; and so on. She began to be confident. She knew that men were looking at her. She liked them to look at her. She asked "Tubby" for a cigarette. Her eyes moved to the ring; she watched the boxing. She felt a renewed thrill at the sight of the men's splendid condition; and then, as she looked about her and saw the black cloud of men rising above and around her on every side, she could have clapped her hands with joy. Soon she was impatient of the boxing. She wanted the great event of the evening to begin. She felt as though she could not wait any longer, as though she must get up in her seat and call to them to come. She was aware then that "Tubby" was again uncomfortable. Was he distressed because men looked at her? Why should they not? Perhaps he did not think that she should smoke. Well, she would smoke. He was not her keeper.
The heat, the smoke, the stir, confused and bewildered her, but she liked the bewilderment. She was drunk with it—only this intense impatience73 for Beckett and Goddard to come was more than she could bear. "Oh, I do wish they'd come.... I do wish they'd come!" she sighed. Then, turning to "Tubby," she said: "Cheer up! What's the matter?"
"Oh, I'm all right." He moved uneasily. She fancied that he glanced with anger at a fat, black-haired,[Pg 169] be-ringed man near him who, as she already noticed, stared at her.
"Oh, I do wish they'd come!" she cried, speaking more loudly than she had intended. Some man near her heard her and laughed.
They came at last. The tall fellow was Goddard. The shorter man in the dull-coloured dressing-gown was Beckett. They walked about inside the ring; then they sat down and were hidden by a cloud of men with towels. A little man walked about the ring shouting something through a megaphone.
Lois could not hear what he said because of her own excitement. The ring was cleared; the fight had begun. The breathless silence that followed was almost more than she could bear. From the first moment she wanted Beckett to win. His grim seriousness fascinated her. The way that he stood crouching74 forward, his magnificent condition, the brown healthiness of his skin, appealed to her desperately. "I want him to win! I want him to win!" she repeated again and again to herself. He seemed to be having the best of it. Men shouted his name. The first round was over. In the pause of the interval75 she realised for a moment, as though she had come down from a great height, that the men near her were looking at her and smiling. She did not care; if only Beckett would win she cared for nothing. "The first round's Beckett's on points, anyway," she heard a man say near her. The ring was cleared again, the men moved cautiously, watching one another. Suddenly Beckett had sprung in. Before she could account to herself for what was happening God[Pg 170]dard was on the floor. Men rose in their seats, shouting. The referee76 could be seen counting the seconds. Goddard was up. Then Beckett was in to him again—right, left, tuned77 like a piece of music. Goddard was down again, and this time he lay his full length without moving. The vast building seemed to rise like the personification of one exultant78 man and shout. Lois herself had risen; she was crying she knew not what, waving her programme. A man had leaped forward and kissed Beckett. Goddard was dragged by his seconds like a sack to his chair. The roar continued; men shouted and yelled and cheered. Lois sat down. It was over; Beckett had won. She had had her desire. She felt as though she had walked for miles and miles through thick, difficult country.
She could only see, over and over again those quick blows—right, left, like a piece of music....
They sat there quietly for a little; then she said, "Let's go. I don't want to see any more after that."
Grenfell agreed.
Outside there was a strange peace and quiet. A large crowd waited, but it was silent. It was watching for Beckett.
The street was deliciously cool, and in the broad space beyond Olympia there was only a rumbling79 sibilant rustle80 that threaded the dusky trees. The stars shone in a sky of velvet81. They found a taxi.
"I'll see you to your door," "Tubby" said.
During the drive very few words were spoken. Lois was concentrating now all her effort on the scene that was to come. She was quite certain of her victory;[Pg 171] she felt strong and sure with the confidence that the thrill of the fight had just given her. Above all, she loved Grenfell. It was the first time in her life that she had known love, and now that it had come she was wrapped in the wonder of it, stripped of all her artifices83 and conceits84, as simply and naturally caught by it as any ignorant girl of her grandmother's day.
They were in Duke Street; the car stopped before Hortons.
Grenfell got out.
"No, you've got to come in. You have, really, 'Tubby.' It's very early—not ten yet. I'll make you some coffee."
He looked for a moment as though he would refuse. Then he nodded his head.
"All right," he said; "just for a bit." They went up in the lift superintended by young William, one of the Hortons officials, in age about fourteen, but dressed, with his oiled hair, high collar, and uniform, to be anything over twenty.
"Oh, sir, who won the fight?" he asked in a husky voice when he heard Lois make some allusion86 to Olympia.
"Beckett," said Grenfell.
The "attic" looked very comfortable and cosy88. Grenfell sank into the long sofa. Lois made the coffee. It was as though Beckett's victory had also been hers. She felt as though she could not be defeated. When[Pg 172] she saw him sitting there so comfortably she felt as though they were already married.
She knew that there was something on his mind. She had seen, ever since they left Olympia, that there was something that he wanted to say to her. She could not doubt what it was.... She stood there smiling at him as he drank his coffee. How she loved him! Every hair of his round bullet-shaped head, his rosy cheeks, his strength and cleanliness, his shyness and honesty.
"Oh, I've just loved to-night!"
"I'm so glad you have," he answered.
Another long silence followed. He smoked, blowing rings and then breaking them with his finger. At last she spoke82, smiling:
"'Tubby,' you want to say something to me."
"Well——"
"Yes, you do, and I know what it is."
"You know?" He stared at her, confused and shy.
"Yes," she laughed. "Of course I do. I've known for weeks."
"For weeks? But you can't——"
"Oh, you think you can hide things—you can't!" She suddenly came over to him, knelt down by the sofa, putting her hand on his arm.
"You ridiculous baby! You're shy. You're afraid to tell me. But, thank Heaven, all that old-fashioned nonsense is over. I can tell you what you want to say without either of us being ashamed ... 'Tubby,' darling ... I know. I've known for weeks, and it's all right. I'll marry you to-morrow if you want me.[Pg 173] I've loved you since first I set eyes on you. Oh, 'Tubby,' we'll be so happy! We——"
But she was stopped by the look in his eyes. He had moved away; his face was crimson89; his eyes wide with dismay. She knew at once that she had made a horrible mistake. He didn't love her. She rose; shame, misery90, anger, self-contempt, all struggling together in her heart. She would have liked to speak. No words would come.
"Lois!" he said at last. "I'm awfully sorry. I didn't know you were going to say that, or I'd have stopped you. We're the greatest pals91 in the world, of course, but——"
"You don't want to marry me," Lois interrupted. "Of course. It's quite natural. I've made a bit of a fool of myself, 'Tubby.' You'd better say good-night and go."
He got up.
"Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.... But I couldn't tell. I've had something else on my mind all these weeks—something that for the last three days I've been trying to tell you. Margery and I are engaged to be married."
That took the colour from her face. She stepped back, putting one hand on the mantelpiece to steady herself.
"Margery!... You! That stupid little idiot!"
There she made a mistake. He took her retort as a dog takes a douse92 of water, shaking his head resentfully.
"You mustn't say that, Lois. And after all, it was you that brought us together."
[Pg 174]
"I!" Her indignation as she turned on him was red-hot.
"Yes. I was sorry for her when you turned her off. I went to see her. We agreed about you from the beginning, and that was a bond."
"Agreed about me?"
"Yes. We thought it was such a pity that you went about with all these men. She told me how splendid you were in France. She had thought that I was in love with you, but I told her of course that I'd always thought of you as a man almost. Love was a different sort of thing.... Although to-night at the boxing you weren't a man, either. Anyway——"
She cut short his halting, confused explanation with contempt.
"You'd better go. You and Margery have treated me pretty badly between you. Good-night."
He tried to say something, but the sight of her furious eyes checked him. Without another word he went. The door closed; the room was suddenly intensely silent, as though it were waiting to hear the echo of his step.
She stood, fury, contempt, working in her face. Suddenly her eyes flooded with tears. Her brow puckered93. She flung herself down on the floor beside the sofa, and burying her face in it cried, with complete abandonment, from her breaking heart.
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1
attics
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| n. 阁楼 | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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inconvenient
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| adj.不方便的，令人感到麻烦的 | |
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5
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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6
bossy
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| adj.爱发号施令的，作威作福的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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8
abase
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| v.降低，贬抑 | |
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9
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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athletic
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| adj.擅长运动的，强健的；活跃的，体格健壮的 | |
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11
armistice
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| n.休战，停战协定 | |
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12
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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13
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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14
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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16
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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17
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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18
legacy
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| n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
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19
rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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20
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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21
adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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24
distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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27
criticise
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| v.批评，评论；非难 | |
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28
modesties
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| n.谦虚，谦逊( modesty的名词复数 ) | |
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29
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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30
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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31
dreading
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| v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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32
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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33
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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precipitately
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| adv.猛进地 | |
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35
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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36
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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exultation
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| n.狂喜，得意 | |
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38
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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40
joyful
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| adj.欢乐的，令人欢欣的 | |
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41
anticipation
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| n.预期，预料，期望 | |
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42
partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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43
obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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44
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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45
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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46
discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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47
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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48
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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49
taunt
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| n.辱骂，嘲弄；v.嘲弄 | |
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50
interfering
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| adj. 妨碍的 动词interfere的现在分词 | |
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51
disapproved
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| v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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52
vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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53
restive
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| adj.不安宁的，不安静的 | |
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54
courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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55
pal
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| n.朋友，伙伴，同志；vi.结为友 | |
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56
irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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57
smacked
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| 拍，打，掴( smack的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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59
chubby
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| adj.丰满的，圆胖的 | |
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60
grill
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| n.烤架，铁格子，烤肉；v.烧，烤，严加盘问 | |
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61
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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62
gliding
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| v. 滑翔 adj. 滑动的 | |
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63
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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64
chattered
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| （人）喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 )； 唠叨； （牙齿）打战； （机器）震颤 | |
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65
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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66
maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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67
thronged
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| v.成群，挤满( throng的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68
arena
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| n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台 | |
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69
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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70
insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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71
swarming
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| 密集( swarm的现在分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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72
celebrities
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| n.（尤指娱乐界的）名人( celebrity的名词复数 )；名流；名声；名誉 | |
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73
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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74
crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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75
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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76
referee
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| n.裁判员．仲裁人，代表人，鉴定人 | |
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77
tuned
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| adj.调谐的，已调谐的v.调音( tune的过去式和过去分词 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调 | |
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78
exultant
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| adj.欢腾的，狂欢的，大喜的 | |
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79
rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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80
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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81
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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82
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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83
artifices
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| n.灵巧( artifice的名词复数 )；诡计；巧妙办法；虚伪行为 | |
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84
conceits
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| 高傲( conceit的名词复数 )； 自以为； 巧妙的词语； 别出心裁的比喻 | |
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85
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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86
allusion
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| n.暗示，间接提示 | |
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87
piously
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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88
cosy
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| adj.温暖而舒适的，安逸的 | |
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89
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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90
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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91
pals
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| n.朋友( pal的名词复数 )；老兄；小子；（对男子的不友好的称呼）家伙 | |
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92
douse
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| v.把…浸入水中，用水泼；n.泼洒 | |
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93
puckered
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| v.（使某物）起褶子或皱纹( pucker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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